Puns of the Weak 06-14-03
Stan Kegel
CORRECTION
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntosh Apples. When questioned about this cache
she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's
being charged with "In-cider" trading (This is by Gary Hallock)
IN THE NEWS
Seventy-six long bats led the big charade
With a hundred and ten or more bats changing hands
As to whether Sosa’s bat was filled with this or that
Like bits of cork, although he knew they were banned.
(Charles L. Zetterberg)
Yesterday on CBC radio the Toronto morning show host was interviewing
one of the men who was involved in the court case leading to the
legalization of same-sex marriages in Ontario. At the end of the
interview, after the interviewee announced his intention to get married
that afternoon, the host finished up by saying "well congratulations,
it's a fairy tale come true." Much apologizing ensued. (Jill K.)
This Sunday is Father's Day -- a little hint for President Bush's twin
daughters. If you haven't gotten your dad a present yet, I know he'd
love it if you could find some weapons of mass destruction. (Jay Leno)
I think more people voted on "American Idol” than voted for president.
Well sure, at least on "American Idol” you got to pick from two guys you
liked. (Jay Leno)
Saturday’s victory in the Belmont Stakes was the fourth major win for
Empire Maker after previous victories over Al Gore, the Taliban and
Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)
Martha Stewart is under indictment. She's detailing new rules about
living decor. Track lights can brighten up a room. But the warden says
they must be out by 10pm. (Alan Ray)
Washington football coach Rick Neuheisel is fired for winning $15,000
betting on NCAA basketball. So what? Any major college coach will tell
you that kind of money won’t last you a hour in a decent strip club.
(Argus Hamilton)
Philip Morris is suing five importers over counterfeit cigarettes.
Contraband tobacco is hurting the company's market share. In the past it
just lost customers to cancer. (Alan Ray)
Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. will buy DirectTV. The new DBS system would
be changed to resemble his Fox News Channel. The satellites will all be
tilted to the right. (Alan Ray)
A startling expose in this week's "U.S News and World Report." It seems
our elite Secret Service counter assault team has been watching
pornography on the White House satellite system instead of watching
President Bush. That's the great thing about Clinton. When he was in
office, they could do both. (Jay Leno)
Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha
Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the
Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out. (Jay Leno)
President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and
said “Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this." (Craig Kilborn)
Most people say they don't want Martha Stewart to serve time in jail.
The bad news: they want the death penalty. (Jay Leno)
Residents of Michigan want Toronto to stop trucking its garbage into
their state. Toronto mayor Mel Lastman did some checking around before
calling them back to say he was sorry but there were no other options,
as it seems that New Jersey is full. (Brad Osberg)
Chicago Cubs all-star slugger Sammy Sosa claims that his use of an
illegal corked bat in a game was "an accident." In a possibly related
story, Pfizer is denying reports that Viagra spokesperson and baseball
star Rafael Palmeiro uses K-Y Jelly on his bat. (Tristan Fabriani)
Major League Baseball is now issuing stiffer penalties on crazed fans
who run onto the field. Under this new policy, the only shirtless fans
allowed on the field are Jennifer Aniston, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and
whomever Darek Jeter is dating. (David Letterman)
The U.S. Open is in a suburb of Chicago. When a player is putting, fans
are told to act like Sammy Sosa. "Put a cork in it." (Alan Ray)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one (Yahooligans)
Why didn't the girl go to work in the wool factory?
Because she was too young to dye (Kid's Jokes)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it! (Matt, 10 )
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
How are you, bud? (Meagan, 8 )
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point! (Foot Long Hot Dog)
Why did the pony have a sore throat?
Because he was a little horse. (Daily Groaner)
Did you hear about the octopus soldier?
He went into battle well-armed. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the doctor keep his bandages in the refrigerator?
Because he wanted to use them for cold cuts. (Kid's Jokes)
Why can't a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed (Yahooligans)
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory. (Gary Geist)
What did the bald man get at the pet store?
A little hare (Dona, 8)
What do you call a cold canine?
A chili dog (Nicole, 9)
How do chickens bake a cake ?
From scratch! (Yahooligans)
Why did the lion feel sick after he'd eaten the priest?
Because it's hard to keep a good man down. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the street light say to the driver?
Don’t look at me, I’m changing. (Carly, 7)
What happened when some coins fell in to the cake batter.
A rich cake came out of the oven. (Mike Bull)
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness. (Gary Geist)
How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and they wash ashore. (Kid's Jokes)
What money do you use under the sea?
Sand dollars! (Lauren, 7)
What did one tonsil say to the other?
You better get dressed. The doctor is taking us out tonight. (MyStacy)
Who makes a million dollars a day?
Someone who works in a mint. (Kid's Jokes)
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat. (Gary Geist)
What do you call a freight train loaded with bubblegum?
A chew-chew train (Rakael, 8)
What happened to the ostrich that kept his head buried in the sand too
long?
He got burned in the end. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?
Ali Baa Baa (Daily Groaner)
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree! (Megan, 8)
What did the doctor say to the woman who swallowed a spoon?
Sit still and don’t stir (Alex, 12)
What is an astronaut's favourite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar. (Gary Geist)
What did the lawyer get at the dentists office?
A retainer (Stan Kegel)
Why was the mosquito limping?
He came out through a screen door and strained himself (Lederer &
Ertner)
What do acrobats like to eat?
Well balanced meals (Stan Kegel)
What is a ghost's position in soccer?
A ghoulie! (Mary, 7)
Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they have no glove compartments. (Bennett Cerf)
What do people do in clock factories?
They make faces all day (Yahooligans)
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the baa-baa shop! (Tate, 8)
What do you get when you cross a giant with a skunk?
A big stink! (Michael, 10)
Why do groups of lions tend to migrate just before the autumn?
Because pride goeth before the fall. (Lederer & Ertner)
What is Dracula's favorite candy?
An all day sucker! (Sara, 13 )
Why was the Marine sergeant discharged?
Because he was rotten to the Corps. (Kid's Jokes)
Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink. (Yahooligans)
“Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a fruit cake!“
“Whats gotten into you?“
“Oh you know, eggs, flour, dry fruit, the usual ingredients.” (Miranda 12)
“My dog can jump higher than your house!”
“I bet he can’t”
“I win. Your house can’t jump at all.” (Stan Kegel)
RIDDLES
Which state means "sick and bothered"?
Ill-annoy (Scott Ryan)
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter. (William Brabant)
Why couldn't Phillip Nolan be a forester?
He was a man without a cut tree (Stan Kegel)
What device did the Vatican auto mechanic install on the Popemobile's
engine to increase the pontiff's chances of attracting followers from
other religions?
A Catholytic Converter (Gary Hallock)
What were the principal singers of nineteenth century operas called?
Pre-Madonnas? (Shirley Outen)
Why didn't the mouse run in the open window?
Because he's a dormouse. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What animal does your father's sister's electric blanket remind you of?
An ant-heater . (Tyler Kaus)
A man went to work for a contractor who specialized in remodeling
kitchens. His brother became a criminal, made a lot of money but wound
up in federal prison. What was their common job title?
They were both counter-fitters (Ken Pinkham)
COMICS
Spring days are like new operating systems. They bring about change, you
can’t wait for them to arrive, but the bugs drive you crazy (PC & Pixel:
Bui & Johnson)
“Both your college roommates were named Maureen?” “Yup! Matter of fact,
they’re in town right now!” “Where are they?” “The Maureens are looking
for a few good men. (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Sign: Au Revior “Lew Miserables”We’ll miss you!” “So few people
appreciate what Victor Hugo did for musical theater.” “Don’t be sad. I
have a ‘hunch’ it will be ‘back’.” (Heart of the City: Mark Tatulli)
A PresiDENTAL Problem: “Does G. W. have inDENTURED servents?” “Yeth
–– but I WOODEN TEETH him about it” “ Look, The George Washington
BRIDGE” (Puntoons: Rowe & Shawen)
People with all the angles rarely use the try angle. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
“My dentist is so wonderful. Could you present him with an award?” “What
do you have in mind?” “Some sort of plaque seems appropriate.” (Wizard
of Id: Parker & Hart)
“My dog barks every time I get into the shower.” “Maybe he’s howling at
the moon.” (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)
Horace Greeley was Occident prone. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Support Hose: “We’re stocking up on hitters!” “Well, argyle never gave
up a run!” “The whole team sox!” (Puntoons: Rowe & Shawen)
Judge: “I just granted him a full release from the penalty of his
offense. Why is he so sad?” Lawyer: “Post-pardon depression” (When
Words Collide: Michael Croce)
Computer: “You type too slowly, you have a big nose, and your mother
dresses you funny” Student: “Next time we must get a more user-friendly
computer.” (Working Daze: Miller & Zakour)
ONE-LINERS:
In theory, housebreaking your puppy may seem like a fine idea, but it
doesn't look good on paper. (Foot Long Hot Dog)
If you don't use punctuation there is no point in what you write (Timo Salmi)
Loretta had been working as the tattoo artist's assistant for only two
weeks and already he had designs on her. (Hugh B. King)
'There was considerable consternation among the cats in the Coliseum
when it was learned that the tigers were taking the lions' share of the
prophets. (Gary S. Dunbar)
The boy took his girlfriend skating to the lake to break the ice. (Timo Salmi)
They built a tree house together but then had a falling out. (Pun of the
Day)
The trial lawyer asked a loaded question about guns. (Mike Bull)
The old doctors practice of bloodletting was all in vein. (Pun of the Day)
A baker's job is a piece of cake. (Mike Bull)
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay
attention. (Pun of the Day) ß
After a day off, a home run hitter can have an off day. (Jumble: Arnold
& Argirlon)
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end
is in sight. (MyStacy)
When testing out a new drink you have to have a first draft. (Mike Bull)
To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests (Pun of the
Day)
A weatherman broke all his limbs and was in hospital with the four
casts. (Mike Bull)
Speeches should be patterned after a woman's skirt, just long enough to
cover the subject, but short enough to make it interesting.
(Gag-O-Matic)
The manager said the winning southpaw was his right-hand man.” (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
A gymnast with unbalanced thinking was floored by an unparalleled
accident. (Mike Bull)
What does a Finnish mason do on weekends? Why, gets plastered, what
else. (Timo Salmi)
The first court held in the air was on a trial balloon. (Pun of the Day)
In 1932 The first diet club was formed, but it was a losing proposition.
(Daryl Stout)
She won the dance competition by leaps and bounds. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
I intended to have my appendix removed, but I didn't have the guts.
(Timo Salmi)
A beer recipe is a kind of brew print, (Pun of the Day)
El Nino is being blamed for an increase in spiders. There are so many,
in fact, it's been difficult for many spiders to find a Web site.
(Gag-O-Matic)
A couple of ex-cons started to refinish kitchens and became counter
fitters. They took a gun into the kitchen at took a pot shot. It was in
France, and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. (Mike Bull)
When he became engaged, he became a belle ringer. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
He wanted to become a pilot but decided that it was over his head. (Pun
of the Day)
The forecaster was away because he was under the weather. (Pun of the
Day)
The lawyer felt as if he had lost his appeal.(Mike Bull)
She was a baseball player's wife and had a ball park figure. (Pun of the
Day)
An effeminate Indian checked in at the Waldorf-Astoria. He registered as
"Homo the Brave." (Bennett Cerf)
GROANERS:
When Noah's wife saw what a wonderful big boat her husband had made in
order to survive the coming flood, she remarked, "What a beautiful work
of ark!" (Tyler Kaus)
When my friend John came from Philadelphia to visit us in Kentucky, it
took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents. One
morning we were having breakfast at a local diner, and he ordered an egg
platter that came with grits. "Hominy?" inquired our waitress. "Just
two," John replied. (Gail S. Angel)
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Doug and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed
the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Doug leaned
over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, right?" (Jill's Joke Line)
In the big top tent, Coco and Fuzzy were talking about their laundry.
After Coco had pressed his new costume and placed it to the side, Fuzzy
asked about the colour of the garment. "Why did you choose a shiny grey
coloured costume? Why did you press it so perfectly? I don't press my
costume at all! It doesn't seem the sort of thing a circus fool would
do", Fuzzy questioned. "Well, I've been listening to the radio, and the
guy on the show gave me some advice," he replied. "Apparently, every
clown has silver ironing." (Phil Hudson)
The manager of a baseball team was excited about one of his new pitchers
because he had an awesome fastball. But, his curveball didn't break
sharply enough to fool the better hitters. He told the youngster that if
he expected to pitch a successful, complete 9-inning game, he really
needed to improve his curve. After working hard with the pitching coach,
the player finally developed a superb, sharp-breaking curveball. Soon
thereafter, he pitched a winning, complete game, with his curve working
to perfection. His manager congratulated him "You see, my boy, ball's
swell that bends swell." (Tyler Kaus)
The attractive young secretary returned to her office after a weekend at
the beach sporting a beautiful tan. "How did you get that gorgeous all
over tan?" someone asked. "I just did everything under the sun," she
declared. (Jill's Joke Line)
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I
believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the
patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a
problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second
session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient
completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the
man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man
wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the
psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed. (Gail S.
Angel)
I have a friend who works in the kitchen of one of the restaurants in
the Red Lobster seafood chain. He said they'd been experimenting with
ways to improve the taste of the fried fish entrees. They'd found that
if they mixed herbs and spices in with the shortening they use for
frying, it made a wonderful difference. Of course, timing is still
critical, and the frying process must be closely monitored so that the
food isn't overcooked or undercooked. That would explain why when I
called him at work the other day, he said he couldn't talk right then
because (deep breath) … he'd left his carp in saffron Crisco.
Two neighbors had underground heated coils installed in their driveways
to keep the snow and ice off in the winter. They employed different
contractors to do the jobs. After the first freezing rain, neighbor
number one promptly fell on the ice in his driveway. Neighbor number two
didn't fall, because his driveway was completely free of ice. This only
goes to prove that the proof of the footing is in the heating. (Tyler Kaus)
Medically these days, we have to worry not only about human diseases,
but diseases of our companion and service animals. The possibility of
the prions responsible for mad cow disease being transmitted to humans
is of considerable recent notoriety in the media. Oprah has just been
the tip of the iceberg, to mix a metaphor. Iowa pig farmers have an
additional worry -- that the mad cow disease may be transmitted to pigs
resulting in mad pig disease. In other words, they are worried about . .
. the daze of swine neurosis. (By Patrick Hester)
My six-year-old son, Nathaniel, and I were discussing the ultrasound
picture taken of him a few months into my pregnancy. "It's hard to
imagine that little bean-shape is actually you, isn't it?" I asked him.
Nathaniel pondered this for a moment, then declared, "Maybe that's why
they call us human beans." (Ian Miller)
Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for
himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford,
some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." "Holy Cow," interrupted his
friend, "What did he end up with?" Fred replied, "Four years with time
off for good behaviour." (MyStacy)
After a naughty little boy had done something particularly bad, it was
his mother, Helen, who administered the punishment, usually a sound
spanking. One evening, when his father returned from work, he saw his
son sobbing hysterically and holding his sore bottom. Since he didn't
approve of this kind of severe punishment, he couldn't resist saying,
loud enough for his wife to hear, "I see you've been to Helen back."
(Tyler Kaus)
Phil the carpenter was feeling depressed over how he was all alone
during Christmas. So, the next morning while in his workshop, he decided
to take his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a
horrible end but a beautiful finish. (Steve Preston)
It was during the war. A soldier was found lashed to the train tracks
and his remains were spread widely when he was run over. The police with
the assistance of the F. B. I., and Army intelligence rapidly
investigated the incidence. A press conference was called and the police
chief was asked if this were part of a foreign plot. "No," said the
chief, "We believe there was a local motive." (Stan Kegel/Daily Groaner)
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large
meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said. "Thanks," his
friend said."I'm gonna miss her." (Michael Rogers)
As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in
her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling like
a temperamental souffIe, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the
sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, "I don't know what to make of
her." (Laurel Fortuner)
A young boy was accompanying his aunt to the mall to do some shopping.
Before they went, his aunt stopped by her workplace to pick up her
wages. While they were in the mall parking lot, a purse snatcher ran up,
grabbed her purse and disappeared between the cars. The young boy
spotted a mall security guard and ran up to him and said, "Somebody
stole my aunt's pay!" The security guard looked the young boy up and
down and said, "Cut out the foolish Pig-Latin and tell me what really
happened." (Gill Krebs)
An inventor created a new sanitary napkin making machine which he
claimed was 10 times faster than the current model. Industry spokesmen
expressed skepticism, so he invited a group of them to inspect his
factory and observe the process. But when the inspectors arrived, the
machine malfunctioned and nothing happened. It was later reported that
the inspectors could find no evidence of tampons of fast construction.
(Charlie Plato}
Two Catholic boys pass an Episcopalian minister. At the sight of the
reversed collar, one of them says, "Hello, Father." The other boy elbows
him in the ribs. "He's no Father, you dummy. He's married and has three
kids!" (Foot Long Hot Dog)
After losing his two watchdogs to a hungry coyote, a sheep farmer
obtained two lions and had them rotate their watch standing duties. The
next time a coyote tried to have some sheep for dinner, it was devoured
by the lion on watch. 'When the game warden asked where the coyote was,
the farmer replied, "It's all in the lion of duty." (Lederer & Ertner)
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." Amy piped up,
"They must be bored again Christians." (Naveed Lahore)
Andrew goes to a friend's place. He wakes up in the night to find his
friend floating in the air. Next day he goes to his aunt's place, where
he witnesses his aunt floating in the air. A few days later he goes to
his relatives place and sees the same thing. The conclusion? He who
levitates is host. (Percy Panthaki/Very Punny)
DEFINITIONS:
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official (Stan Kegel)
Corset: A waist basket. (Joseph Leff)
American: A happy metal container (Cynthia MacGregor)
de Gaul: a seagull that doesn't want to fight. (Mike Wheeler)
Suspended animation: Pausing the Disney movie on your V. C. R. (Stan Kegel)
Divest: To change the color of a waistcoat. (Sandy Sibert)
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death (Stan Kegel)
Toupe: GB letter without postage. (J. A. Mc.)
Leotard: A feeble-minded lion. (David Reihmer)
Antecedent: Why Aunt Millie was angry with the parking attendant (Ken Pinkham)
Accounting: a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four. (Gail S. Angel)
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport (Stan Kegel)
Wanderer: Magician (J. A. Mc.)
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston. (Irene A. Mystery)
Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the Queen (Ken Pinkham)
Tax Collector: A man looking for untold wealth (Stan Kegel)
Useless: Conservation (J. A. Mc.)
Clothesline: A seam. (Joseph Leff)
Administration: To put what happens to a woman monthly onto her other
list of woes (Cynthia MacGregor)
POETRY
O'er the turtle depression befell.
To a shrink all his woes he did tell.
"You are simply too shy,"
Said the doc, "And that's why
You should really come out of your shell."
(Kirk Miller)
A Briton who shot at his king
Was doomed on the gallows to swing.
When the rope was made fast
He cried out, "At last!
I'm getting the hang of the thing!"
(David Ross)
Quasimodo was hurting a bunch.
Saw the doctor; his spine had gone Crunch!
"Something's wrong with your back."
"Doc, what makes you say that?"
The physician replied, "Just a hunch."
(Kirk Miller)
Said one "Ra-2" sailor to Thor
"The work ain't what's making me sore
This craft is more leaky
Than was the Kon-Tiki
We'll soon be washed up, that's for shore"
(Gary Hallock)
Actress McLain lived in the west
And had an ongoing request
When she made a joke,
Her friends then all spoke
And would say, "Shirley, you jest."
(Kirk Miller)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"You will pay for eating that apple," God said adamantly.(Weber & Bryan)
"Let's all play an A, a C sharp, and an E," cried Tom's band with one
accord. (Stan Kegel)
"Don't add too much water," said Tom with great concentration. (Stan Kegel)
"This exam is the toughest of the year," Tom attested. (Weber & Bryan)
"Do you play golf?" Tom asked as a matter of course..(Weber & Bryan)
"I bought myself fifty hamburgers and ate eight," said Tom with
fortitude. (Stan Kegel)
"I am awfully sunburned" was Tom's blistering remark. (Weber & Bryan)
"My wife is emotionally unstabile," hissed Eric. (Stan Kegel)
"Let's buy some of that fresh fruit," Tom said with aplomb. (Weber & Bryan)
"I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled. (Stan Kegel)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
NEWSCASTER: You have just heard the news from in and around the nation
... and now to Pauline Fredericks for the latest news from a broad!
(Kermit Schafer)
ARMLESS MUSICIAN TOUCHES AUDIENCE (Richard Lederer)
"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as
the dead man was crossing the intersection." (JoLene)
NATIONAL HUNTING GROUP TARGETING WOMEN (Richard Lederer)
The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was
announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to
correct. (Pastor Tim)
HIGH COURT TO HEAR MARIJUANA CASE (Richard Lederer)
"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump." (JoLene)
Olympics commentator Sally Gunnel: The girls are all very tired; they
have already had six big events between their legs already. (Jill's Joke Line)
LEGISLATORS TAX BRAINS TO CUT DEFICIT (Richard Lederer)
WFIL radio in Philadelphia gave its listeners this surprising bit of
public service information: "So hurry folks, and deposit your letters
now. We'll be waiting for your droppings in the box." (Kermit Schafer)
IThere was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that
Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been
trap shooting. (Pastor Tim)
There are two important corrections to the information in the update on
our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program
will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not
experimental. (Pastor Tim)
TEEN ATTEMPTS TO QUIT SMOKING COLD TURKEY (Richard Lederer)
COMMENTATOR: "Ronald Reagan was expected to make a personal pee to the
G.O.Plee Platform Committee." (Kermit Schafer)
"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for
pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be
$1.50." (JoLene)
In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation
as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the
error. (Pastor Tim)
This has been reported to be on a tombstone in Yarmouth:
"OWEN MOORE HAS GONE AWAY
OWIN' MORE THAN HE CAN PAY" (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What's more profitable, a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fucking overhead. (Archives)
This is an age of speed. It is no wonder that the effects are seen in
affairs of the heart. A fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before
midnight they are engaged. Next morning he presents her with the ring.
That afternoon he buys her a mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon
stockings, silk undies, and a revealing silk negligee. And that same
night everything is off.. (Archives)
I don't need cyber-sex. AOL goes down on me all the time! (E4Fun)
There was a beautiful model who stuttered. She was at a shooting one day
and the photographer started making advances. Before she could say "I'm
not that kind of a girl," she was. (Stan Kegel)
What's the definition of oral sex?
The taste of things to come. (Gard Webster)
Monica Lewinsky will market a super premium cigar this summer. While
most super premium cigars are soaked in brandy, whiskey or cognac;
Monica will soak hers in cider. (Foot Long Hot Dog)
The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working. At
this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago. (Lucy Ratcliff)
A man asked the little boy, "Do you want a cocker spaniel?" The little
boy thought for a moment and said, "I think I'll take the spaniel."
(William Brabant)
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. (Curly David)
Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to
whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking
up old girlfriends. (Jill K.)
Attractive men are supposed to have better quality sperm. Well, that
doesn't make sense. The sperm of unattractive men must be of better
quality. It's handmade! (Jay Leno)
We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our
"Wooden" Anniversary. I asked her to give me a blow job and she
"wooden." (Curly David)
Certain medical authorities maintain that Sex is bad for one. And I
agree, heartily! Sex is bad for one. But it's great for two. (Archives)
A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives
all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport
office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling
her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder
and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space
labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't
matter," the blonde answers. (Curly David)
"I'm not coming tonight," said the prude maiden.. (Timo Salmi)
Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were
talking about their respective married lives. I had sex with my wife
before we were married," said Don, "did you?" "Gee, I don't know,"
answered Arty. "What was your wifes maiden name?" (LAB Laughs)
Sex is what makes the world go round. And with sex the world is a
merrier-go-round. (Archives)
The attractive woman, admired by all the husbands at the club, was
talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to
being used by men as a sex object." The wife grinned and replied,
"That's not surprising darling... considering the number of times you've
been inoculated." (Gag-O-Matic)
What do you call a blonde who can't find the string to her tampon?
A cotton picker. (Curly David)
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are
there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes
through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for
decoration only." (B Lovey)
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." (Woody Allen)
George was trying to convince his buddy Rick that the new girl in town
was better than any of her predecessors. "I tell you, Rick, this girl is
as good as my own wife." "That so?" Rick asked. "All right. Let's go
over there." So they went to see the Jenny-come-lately, and they paid
her for a visit. On the way out Rick was asked for his opinion. "Well,"
he said, "she's good, all right, but not as good as your wife."
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him
this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and
done immediately.One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play
with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most
important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks,
she won't have to leave home to do it! (MyStacy)
How do you know when a woman is getting old?
Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long. (Jill K.)
An old farmer was walking past a neighbor's farm one day when he noticed
him in the process of digging a very large and deep hole. "What are you
doing?" the farmer asked. "I'm burying my faithful old plow mule."
replied the neighbor. The farmer bid his neighbor adieu, and turned away
shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself... "Man, what an ass
hole." (Dean Rackley)
My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house. I keep a couple of
them with me at all times. In case someone starts playing classical
music, I'll jam them in my ears. … I hate music from that period! (Archives)