Puns of the Weak 03/08/02

[Stan Kegel]

PUNS OF THE WEAK: for the week ending 03/08/02

IN THE NEWS:

Have a "Happy Army Day" as we all march forth. (Karen Hamilton)

In 1999, heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield announced he was entering
the record business with a label called Real Deal Records. But ever
since the Tyson fight he has no ear for music! (Thieving Joker)

For Georgian owner
Of bogus cremation site
Honor up in smoke
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

There is now talk on Capitol Hill of cutting the national beer tax in
half. Today, Bush's daughters said, 'Dad Rules!" (Jay Leno)

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness (Gary Hallock)

Why would the dragon never attack a Crusader on Saturday or Sunday
evenings?
He only preyed on weak knights. (Stan Kegel)

What do they call the Jewish Mafia?
Kosher Nostra (Scott Ryan)

What single word of advice could you give a mathematician to help
him/her lose weight fast?
Trinomials (Gary Hallock)

In all probability, what would a Mafia recruit be called?
A Likely Hood (Stan Kegel)

What movie starring Tom Hanks tells the story of how a Urologist cures a
famous fast ball pitcher from Texas after a line drive hits him in the
crotch?
Saving Ryan's Privates? (Ken Pinkham)

A young woman who was forever going on diets to no avail was sure that
her latest plan would result in a quick loss of many pounds, but her
mother was far less confident, pending the actual outcome. How would
you describe her mother’s attitude?
Wait. Watch Her. (Cynthia MacGregor)

What is the title given to the Bishop of Notre Dame?
Pastor of Paris (Stan Kegel)

This Christmas tune reminds us of what happens when Christmas shoppers
go crazy at local shopping centers, leaving a trail of destruction
behind them.
Wreck The Malls (Jim Van Camp)

OTHER RIDDLES:

What do you get if you cross oil with an ape
A grease monkey (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why did the archaeologist insist on taking a trip to Egypt?
He wanted to pyramid the ruins. (Cynthia MacGregor)

What do you get if you cross a shrub with a pig?
A hedgehog (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan?
He had two brothers in the same racket. (Marsha Coleman)

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a grasshopper?
A bunny hop (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What's the difference between a Jewish wife and most other wives?
Most other wives tell their husbands: Go buy Viagra. The Jewish wife
tells her husband: Go buy Pfizer. (Ian Miller)

DEFINITIONS:

Primate: The number one wife in those cultures which permit polygamy.
Usually only the children of your primate can inherit your property or
be given your title. (Stan Kegel)

Catalyst: A record of your cows and bulls (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)

Internist - Where you will find tern eggs (Gary Hallock)

Alternation: Change the country. (Joseph Leff)

Advice: Phone book pages for massage parlors and escort services (Stan
Kegel)

Prizefight Promoter: Sock broker (Robert Meyers)

Furlong: Desire for a fur coat (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Deride: Get off the bus (Stan Kegel)

Mad money: The fee charged by a psychiatrist. (Henny Youngman)

Earwig: Something to keep your head warm on cold nights. (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)

Accordian: Peace-keeper (Willie Meikle)

Uncanny: A house without a toilet. (Lexicon)

Artifact: Authenication of a piece of art. (Stan Kegel)

Undercover agent: A spy in bed. (Lexicon)

Psychoceramic: Crack pot (Robert Meyers)

Bulldozer: A sleeping steer (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Dissenter: The tallest man on the basketball team (Stan Kegel)

Prune: Plum tuckered out (Robert Meyers)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"Henry VIII was very fat," said Tom unthinkingly. (Robin Johnson)

"I'm talking to you," said the mute bicycle repair man as he fixed his
wheel and spoke. (Dave Campbell)

"The souffles are perfect," Tom said, rising to the occasion. . (Stan
Kegel).

"Rats, it's going to rain again today," Tom stormed. (Weber & Bryan)

"He has a fecal impaction," was the pediatrician's gut feeling. (Stan Kegel)

"Edward, you're my best friend in these parts, I gar-ron-tee!" said Tom
ed-u-cajun-ally. (Gill Krebs)

"We have to leave the ship even though it did not hit the iceberg," Tom
said with reckless abandon. (Stan Kegel).

"I'm trying to do something about my bad breath," Tom asserted (Weber & Bryan)

BLOOPERS:

Commercial: "So try Vick's 44 Cough Syrup and we guarantee that you will
never get any better." (Kermit Schaffer)

They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the
beer. (Richard Lederer)

The per-capita consumption of mussels has doubled in the past five years
from 40 million pounds to 80 million pounds, according to Great Eastern
Mussel Farms in Maine. (Columbus Dispatch 3/6/02) to which Harry Farkas
comments: "Them's a lot of mussels for one person"

The company will decide whether or not to recognize same-sects
marriages. (Richard Lederer)

News Broadcast: "And from France comes word that action will not be
taken on this important matter until after their general erections."
(Kermit Schaffer)

You are invited to Sally Curtis's retirement party. No gifts, just the
honor of your presents. (Richard Lederer)

After Governor Baldwin watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main
Street and fed 25 pounds of raw meat in front of the Cross Keys Theater.
(Jim Mica)

The contractor shall provide uninformed police officers for traffic
control. (Richard Lederer)

POETRY

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'
(Spike Milligan)

A gator lover was nobody's jerk
Researching reptiles was his perk
Without apology
He chose Zoology
And now he's happily swamped in work
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Belly dancing star
With pierced "inny" now whistles
Joined Navel Air Force
(Gary Hallock)

Your Sunbather Club
Membership fees are past due
Have you renude yet?
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

When into cold water I sink,
Some parts soon turn deep blue, some pink,
And if just by habit,
I look down to grabbit,
I find just how rabbit ice rink.
(Gary Reeves)

Belly dancing star
Used her "inny" for profit
Now has an Audi
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

DAILIES:

Britain is a wet place because the queen has had a long reign? (Pun of
the Day)

The electrician gave the home owner a “bright” idea. (Jumble)

When the server ignored them, the diners turned into waiters. (Jumble)

Did you know that autopsy is a dying practice? (Pun of the Day)

If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler (Pun of
the Day)

A city worker who campaigned for new sewer pipes finally had to go
underground (Pun of the Day)

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic! (The Daily Groaner)

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. (Pun of the Day)

When a doctor got a bad cut the nurse said, 'suture self' (Pun of the Day)

The old doctors practice of bloodletting was all in vein. (Pun of the Day)

When traffic stalled, the bus driver and passengers shared “idle” talk. (Jumble)

Coronation: The reigny day a monarchy saves for. (E4Fun)

What did the man who was just cloned say?
I'm beside myself! (The Daily Groaner)

Kings sometimes found that uprisings were a peasant surprise (Pun of the Day)

The honest cabbie charged the passengers a fair fare. (Jumble)

Kings worry about a receding heir line (Pun of the Day)

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster (Very Punny)

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?
You can't trim your nostril rabbit (The Daily Groaner)

There was an orchestra conductor who threw tempo tantrums (Pun of the
Day )

Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
The sailors were marooned! (The Daily Groaner)

Cold war: The state of suspended ammunition (Padmakumar/ Very Punny)

When carrying your musical instrument over ice if you don't C sharp you
will B flat (Pun of the Day)

ONE-LINERS:

I'm clueless when it comes to the life of Henry VIII. Someone needs to
Tudor me. (Daniel Reihs)

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's
how I lost my mind. (Steve Allen)

Most divorce is a result of incompatibility. Either he looses his
income, or she her patability. (JerLyn F.)

It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds, otherwise, it would
be "curtains" for everyone. (Marsha Coleman)

Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his
patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her. (Syman Hirsch)

An ancient Greek shoemaker ran home when there was an earthquake, only
to discover he had fallen arches. (Bree Schultz)

My sister wanted to marry a ghost, I can't think what possessed her.
(Whimsical Wit)

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes. (Jerry Ulett)

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're
out if you're caught stealing. (Alli B)

The depraved poet is paid perverse (Daniel Reihs).

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
(Douglas Helsel)

Dentists have the same old grind day after day. (Bree Schultz)

The holistic algebra teacher required every student to keep a natural
log. (Daniel Reihs)

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. (Jerry Ulett)

If cats could read they would paws after each claws. (Bree Schultz)

Beethoven died in a castle without restrooms. The place was positively
uncanny. (Harold Clark)

A woman's expensive wardrobe has often started with just a little slip.
(Henny Youngman)

She burns her scandals at both ends. (Louis A. Safian)

Pi are round, cornbread are squared! (Clean Laughs)

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. (Jerry Ulett)

The crooked psychologist was paid per jury. (Daniel Reihs)

I saw my doctor. He told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front
of a mirror. (Rodney Dangerfield)

For 'smart rose bushes' water them with beer It makes the bud wiser.
(John Glover)

There was big trouble at "Bob's Discount Eyewear" the other day. Bob was
making glasses, slipped, and fell into the lens-grinding machine. He
made quite a spectacle of himself. (Tim Davis)

Which drug scheme was our hero in? (Daniel Reihs)

I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin
underwear, fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do
it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love. (John McGovern/ Bill Rayborn)

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. (Douglas Helsel)

A backwards poet writes inverse. (Jerry Ulett)

An old-maid is a woman with un-alter-able views. (Henny Youngman)

She's the type of eavesdropper that gets in your hear (Louis A. Safian)

For every woman with a curve there are several men with angles. (Ken M.)

They say you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Well, maybe
but lots of women can get a mink out of an old goat. (Gag-O-Matic)

LONGER PUNS:

Scientists have discovered who invented the world's first musical
instrument. Apparently, it was a caveman who bent a long stick and tied
a strip of hide to it. As his neighbors happily twanged away, he was
wont to smile to himself and exclaim in joy, "They're playing my thong."
(Teen Jpkes)

The eminent lady surgeon was an imperious, aloof type and she finally
left her husband. He was suffering from a serious internal complaint and
had undergone a series of difficult operations at the hands of a team of
other eminent surgeons. She left him after the fifth operation,
explaining, "I'm sick and tired of other people constantly opening up my
male." (Douglas Helsel)

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of
tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5
boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price
so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a
dollar." She said "That can't be right!" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's
right! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached." (Archives)

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready
to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." (Gail S. Angel)

"Terrible day," said the Great Dane as he complained to his master.
"Work was bad, but then I got on the bus and it was completely packed
with small dogs."' "Well," replied the master, "that's what you get for
riding during peke hours." (Whimsical Wits)

A drunk who had been indulging fairly steadily staggered into a funeral
parlor. "I need a stiff drink." he said. When the undertaker explained
where he was, the imbiber said, "In that case, I'll have a bier." (Stan Kegel)
Dr Doolittle's visage darkened as he dissected the diseased duodenum of
the deceased male sheep, declaring that the malady was critically
contagious and that it was our patriotic duty to guard the severed
specimens from possible biological terrorists, so all through the night
o'er the ram parts we watched.(Glenn Wasson)

Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her
bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party
celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant,
an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is
the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is
that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman
said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because
one more would make it too farty." (Rollo Tomasi)

We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!" screech Igor, the
doktor's right and left hand man, his little body quivering with
delight, and before the good doctor could stop him Igor waved various
human limbs and organs in the patchwork face of the giant, howling,
"Tell me, stranger, are you from these parts? (John L. Ashman)

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney
transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen
transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all
these" "Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my
job I needed to get reorganised." (Archives)

My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We
checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten the
moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives
for half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the
whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth." (Bree Schultz)

FOR THE CHILDREN:

What animal took the most luggage on the ark?
The Elephant. He took his trunk. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind. It’s over your head. (Raquel, 10)

What kind of bank has no money?
A river bank (Kieran, 6)

What is the capital of Wisconsin?
'W' (Harold Clark)

Why is a bloodhound like a tall basketball player
They are both scenters (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What animal took the least luggage onto the ark?
The rooster. He took only his comb. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What do you call spiders that just got married?
Newly webs (Brianne, 9)

I'm on a seafood diet. Whenever I see food I eat it. (Richard Lederer
and James Ertner)

How do you know that your tiger is telling the truth?
He's not a lion (The Daily Groaner)

What happened to the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens! (The Daily Groaner)

What do you get if you cross chilli pepper, a shove and a collie
A hot diggity dog (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
He only had one pupil (Arturo, 12)

Why did the rooster cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken. (Briana, 10)

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum (Marsha Coleman)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

She was only a wallflower's daughter, and she was dandelion in bed.
(Richard Lederer)

What is better than getting roses on your piano?
Getting tulips on your organ. (JerLyn F.)

What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get
knocked up.(The Daily Joke)

Balderdash: Screw-and-run. (Richard Lederer)

Being old is like being an army sergeant. Most of the time you’re trying
to get your privates to stand at attention. (Marina)

The Little Dutch Boy: “Never stick your finger in a Dyke unless you are
absolutely sure that you can outrun her. (Carol Silver)

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard. (The Placebo Page)

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip. (Very Puny)

She was only a wallflower's daughter, and she was dandelion in bed.
(Richard Lederer)

What do you call male prostitutes?
Peter Sellers (Richard Lederer)

"And just was the extent of the defendant's amorous involvement?" asked
the woman's attorney during the paternity suit trial. "Well, from what I
could tell," replied the shapely plaintiff, "I'd say 4... maybe 5
inches, tops." (Ed Hexter)

Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?
She blows your mind. (Richard Lederer)

The class was studying the Middle Ages, and all the kids were having fun
learning about chivalry and knights and such. It came time for all the
Knights to become 'Knighted' when Terry asked the teacher, "Do all the
ladies get 'Laid' tomorrow?"(Marsha Coleman)

She was only a dentist's daughter, and everybody wanted to fill her
cavity (Richard Lederer)

Sorry I can't be at the wedding. Please send me a photo of the bride and
groom mounted (H. Aaron Cohl)

Balsam: To screw around a little. (Richard Lederer)

What did the German bisexual woman do?
Went down on her Hans and niece. (Tom’s Burlesque)

There is a part time dancer in Las Vegas who makes big money as a call
girl when she is not filling in at one end of the chorus line or the
other. In other words, some nights she dances on her right leg, other
nights she dances on her left leg and in between she makes a living.
(Harvey C. Gordon)

She was only a rancher's daughter, and she couldn't keep her calves
together. (Richard Lederer)

Balled: Getting more head than other men. (Richard Lederer)

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice
sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
that colony is cockeyed." (Gag-O-Matic)

Birth control: An issue that attempts to avoid the issue. (Richard
Lederer)

Did you hear about the rabbit who just washed her thing and couldn't do
a hare with it? (Jerry Ulett)

Blowjob: Lip service. (Richard Lederer)

A fat man is in the bathroom taking a piss, he complains I am so fat I
can't see my dick. Guy next to him says "Why don't you diet?" He
replies, "Why, what colour is it this time?" (Silly Stuff)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. (H.
Aaron Cohl).