PUNS OF THE WEAK 12-05-03 Part 2 The Puns
Stan Kegel
JEST FOR KIDS
What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
It totally cracks up! (Lynsay, 11)
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted. (Dave's Daily)
When is a man like a dog?
When he is a boxer. (Kids Jokes)
A nickel, dime and quarter were on the table. The nickel and dime jumped
off. Why didn’t the quarter?
It had more cents (Jake, 10)
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old. (Carol Silver)
What did the teddy bear say after it ate?
I'm stuffed! (Hayley, 12)
What’s good for a cold car?
A muffler (Cassie)
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fire?
So that he could sleep like a log. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet. (Carol Silver)
Why were the strawberries so upset?
Because they were in a jam! (Linda, 11)
What kind of music do most mountains like best?
Rock music. (Mike Artell)
Why are diapers like $20 bills?
Because you have to change them. (Kids Jokes)
What is the superheroes favorite part of a joke?
The punch line (Tyler, 7)
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny. (Carol Silver)
Why didn't the mountain believe the cliff?
It thought the cliff was bluff-ing. (Mike Artell)
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop. (Carol Silver)
What did the skeleton buy at the market?
Spare ribs! (Yijia, 12)
'Where do jellyfish get their jelly?
From ocean currants. / (Lederer & Ertner)
How do they say "goodbye" at the North Pole?
With a cold wave. (Mike Artell)
What did Tarzan say to Jane after coming home from a hard day at the branch
office?
"It's a jungle out there." (Lederer & Ertner)
Why couldn’t the guy open the jar?
Because it was jammed (Devery, 9)
What do you call a snowman in June?
A puddle! (Barbra, 9)
When is a man like a dog?
When he is a boxer. (Kids Jokes)
How do jackals in the jungle see at night?
They use jackal lanterns. (Lederer & Ertner)
Who has friends for lunch?
A cannibal. (Kids Jokes)
What kind of coffee does Dracula like to drink in the morning?
Decoffinated (Ken Kegel)
How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch! (Daily Groaner)
What do you call an aged tailor?
An old sew-and-sew. (Mike Benny)
Where do mountains cook their food?
On mountain ranges. (Mike Artell)
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and
then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead. (Carol Silver)
What does Dracula take when he's sick?
Coffin drops! (Holly, 8)
“My brother is in the candy business”.
“Is he doing well?”
“So far he's made a mint.” (Mike Benny)
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
He didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket. (Mighty Funnies:
Betty Debnam)
Who gave tickets to dinosaur?
Triceracops. (Eli, 8)
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
Because she wanted to mail a litter. (Dave's Daily)
A shepherd drove his flock through town, and got a traffic ticket for
making a ewe turn. (Simon Champion)
When Napoleon woke up from a long nap, he found that the rest was history
(Rephah Berg)
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
(Douglas Helsel)
COMICS
If your tires are bald, expect hairy driving. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Pages falling out of a book taken from a shelf with sign, “Books on Low
Self Esteem” Boy says, “Its spineless” (Reality Check: Dave Whamond)
I quit my job at the plant that makes Velcro. I was always bringing work
home with me. (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)
”Rose never misses ‘Judge Judy’ does she?” “Nope. She’s her favorite
Judycator.” (Crankshaft: Batiuk & Ayers)
On some diets, you can get a little behind. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Thanksgiving: The Aftermath: “Owmigosh! You must’ve gained 20 pounds!” “I
tried to tell you its impossible to quit cold turkey!” (Pardon My Planet:
Vic Lee)
You need acupuncture for a headache like a hole in the head (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Give me an example of extreme salinity?
Lot’s wife (Ginger Meggs: James Kemsley)
“This wildlife book you sold me is nothing but pictures of animals!”
(Herman: Jim Unger)
We are open 24 hours. Only not consecutively (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
A running mate is the one who got away with the bank account. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
ONE-LINERS:
I called the plumber on the phone, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen
sink again?" His encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at your disposal."
(Gary Hallock)
She: "Before we were married, you told me you were 'well off'".
He: "Actually, I was. I just didn't know it at the time." (Gag-O-Matic)
The captain involved in the Staten Island Ferry accident did not show up
for a scheduled interrogation last week making it the second time he failed
to a pier. (J.J. Gertler)
The Marine batallion was out on maneuvers. The cook couldn't find a ladle
to stir with but finally borrowed an arrow. Thus was born his famous
Marine arrow sauce. (Cynthia MacGregor)
In penmanship class they always stressed doing it write. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
Change is inevitable except when you put a dollar in a balky vending
machine. (Frank Stewart)
I accidentally put a wet colander into my freezer and now I'm suffering
from ice strain. (Gary Hallock)
What was Roe vs. Wade?
The decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the
Delaware." (Andrea)
One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said,
SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in the car. We were through
there in no time. (Geechy Guy)
The farmer encouraged egg productivity by feeding his hens café au lait.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
What loyal British subjects always say: Into each life some reign must
fall. (Joseph Harris)
An undertaker always puts a customer in his place. (Douglas Helsel)
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive. (Mike Bull)
The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent. (Mike Bull)
Terri Garr made some unusually flavored lollipops. She called them
Garlics. (Ken Pinkham)
Archeologists will date any old thing. (Douglas Helsel)
I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and
formed a splinter group. (Simon Champion)
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at words
for a loss. (Marsha Coleman)
"When he accidentally killed his neighbor's sheep, he had to spin a yarn.
(Pun of the Day)
A father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is
the Gross National Product?". The little boy replied "Spinach?" (Gail S. Angel)
In the Canadian forests, it's sometimes hard to cedar wood for the trees.
(Simon Champion)
A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo." The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while,
then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me." (LOL Lewd Lines)
There's a Mohel in Lousianna who works out of a storefront. His sign
reads, "Alter Cajuns done while Jew wait." (Gary Hallock)
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. (Tim Davis)
They have just developed a new golf club designed to be used when you are
not sure which club is best. This new club is called the waffle iron.
(Norm Stevenson)
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there. (Simon Champion)
Dermatologists often make rash statements. (Mike Bull)
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work
anymore? (Curly David)
Bob Dylan once had a pet chicken by the name of Lady, who inspired him to
write his famous song 'Lay, Lady, Lay'. (Rose Katz)
When the vegetarian yelled at the server, he had a real beef. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
While eyeballing a Chippendale dancer: "Don't you sometimes wish you were
single again?" "Yes, I do. Every time I look at my husband." (Jill K.)
Baseball players have to stay in line or they will be afoul of the rules.
(Pun of the Day)
I want my steak rare'n to go. (Ken Pinkham)
The Mexican farmer exclaimed to his chickens, "Ole!" (James Ertner)
Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show. (Pun
of the Day)
The chicken wanted to enter the prizefight till she learned the winner got
only a poultry sum. (Cynthia MacGregor)
My dog Minton just ate two of my expensive shuttlecocks! "Bad Minton!"
(Simon Champion)
Wong Fu and Russel Wong were going to an oscar party at Tom Hanks' house.
They missed the poorly lit right-hand turn and got lost because two Wongs
don't make a right. (Jason Dias)
I baked my sweetie a pie, but he left with a tart (William Brabant)
Lettuce get dressed while we think about dinner. (Ken Pinkham)
My daughter asked if she could help cook the hot dogs so I let her open up
and toast the bread. You know what they say, "Grills just want two half
buns." (Gary Hallock)
DEFINITIONS:
Classic: When all your students are ill. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Pathological: Being able to figure out how to get out of a maze. (Simon
Champion)
Rodeo: Where cowboys will do most anything for a buck. (Gary Hallock)
Buckshot: A wasted dollar (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Regiment: Explaining a statement by Mr. Jackson, White or Saunders. (Stan Kegel)
Bobby Socks: Blows delivered by a London Policeman. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Lesbian Cocktail Lounge: A Her-She Bar (Haust Javeri)
Somersault: Seasoning used during the warm months of the year. (Doug Drill)
Ecstacy: A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling
you never felt before. (Still More Over Sexteen)
Speculate - You are three weeks overdue with delivering my new pair of
glasses.(Simon Champion)
Marriage: The evil "aye." (Hershy)
Rampart: The bone placed on the table during a sedar dinner (Stan Kegel)
Champagne: Artificial window glass. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Futile - I don't have enough slate to finish building the roof (Simon
Champion)
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil. (Hershy)
Poppycock: The rooster who is head of the family. (Doug Drill)
Recede: The spring planting (Stan Kegel)
OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS
Eureka: EUREKA that cheap cologne (Stan Kegel)
Exclaim: Watch my EXCLAIM more than he's entitled to in the divorce!
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Flatulent: "Do you still own the FLATULENT me when I was in London?" (Ken Pinkham)
Exercise: After the divorce she gained 80 pounds. I’m ashamed to admit I
have an EXERCISE. (Stan Kegel)
Forensics: FORENSICS is ten. (Gary Hallock)
Fixture: Did you call the plumber to FIXTURE leaking sink? (Stan Kegel)
Escape: What does Batman wear under ESCAPE? (Cynthia MacGregor)
Evil: The Lord said, “EVIL be alright if she doesn’t eat the apple.” (Stan Kegel
Fornication: FORNICATION like this you think they would serve champagne.
(William Brabant)
Expectoration: You can EXPECTORATION when you go to a political convention.
(Ken Pinkham)
Emboss: I had to tell my secretary I EMBOSS around here. (Stan Kegel)
Farce: This is as FARCE the bus goes. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Ganglion: Leo left the pride, fell into bad company and became a GANGLION.
(Ken Pinkham)
"Tiger Woods was lost on the golf course, but I've located him," said Tom
profoundly. (Simon Champion)
"Let's eat kosher tonight", Tom said judiciously (Archives)
"I am wrongly accused," said Tom with conviction. (Simon Champion)
"My bicycle wheel is melting", Tom spoke softly. (Archives)
"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those
passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events," said Tom with
considerable fanfare. (Simon Champion)
"The executioner has received the tool he needs," said Tom with a heavy
accent. (Simon Champion)
"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgementally. (Simon Champion)
"My arm!", said Captain Hook offhandedly. (Archives)
Western talk show host: Chuck Wagon (J. A. Mc.)
History Teacher: Ira Call (Bree Schultz)
Dermatologist: Lance Boyles (Cybyl)
Sex ed teacher: Jen Italia (Belinda M. Paschal)
Ethyl Waters: The area where a tanker sank. (Stan Kegel)
Peter Trousseau: Fashion condoms for the honeymoon. (Stan Kegel)
W. C. Fields: Area of camping grounds used for urinating and defecating.
(Stan Kegel)
Chevy Chase: A cross-country rally of Chevolets (Stan Kegel)
JIM'S RADIATOR REPAIR A GREAT PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK (Tony Thoennes)
Confucius says, "man who throw away watch, wasting time." (Curly David)
Confucius says, "He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands."
(Curly David)
Confucius says, "all men eat, but Fu Manchu." (Curly David)
She was only a grape picker's daughter, but she was never chablis dressed.
(Richard Lederer)
She was only a Cab driver’daughter, but the fellows all think they auto
meet her. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Chimney sweep‘s daughter, but she soots me fine. (Richard Lederer)
She was only a Artist’s daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.*
(Richard Lederer)
She was only a Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
(Richard Lederer)