Adam and Eve

[Mike]

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and
Eve.
"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The
Englishman says.
"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be
French."
"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing
an apple between two, they're being watched, and they're told this is
paradise. They are definitely Russian."

Michael LeVine
mle...@redshift.com

Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

[Don Stockbauer]

Darlene says I have Russian hands and Roman fingers.

[Mike]

On Nov 4, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<5d26b8c5-9b76-4583...@googlegroups.com>):

And greece-y palms

[Don Stockbauer]

Of course I have greasy palms I'm a hard-working pecan harvester and when you're harvest pecans you have to fix the harvesting Equipment quite often and they have grease on them and so I have a greasy palms QED

[Mike]

On Nov 4, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<67e42a68-b2e4-423c...@googlegroups.com>):

And not from greasing the palms of politicians??

[Don Stockbauer]

greasing the palm I got interested in a similar phrase which is to "cross one's poem with silver" and I thought they meant that was derived from when Judas excepted the 30 pieces of silver from the Romans to betray Christ but in actuality it stems from going to a gypsy and the gypsy demanding payment you just learn something every day don't you

[Mike]

On Nov 5, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<8d3a7f2f-04c7-4643...@googlegroups.com>):

You do roma off topic

[Don Stockbauer]

Tony?

[Mike]

On Nov 6, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<9ea17c2d-7944-43e2...@googlegroups.com>):

Do you really have enough hair left for a home permanent??? Even one by
Toni???

[Don Stockbauer]

i'm afraid I don't have much hair left , especially in the pubic region so I had to go out and buy a Merkin which is a pubic hair wig: If you buy a merkin it helps greatly with our balance of trade deficit. also eye wants went to this hair guy he was a hair club for men person or something like that and I told him I'm getting bald then the guy says "well it's in your genes " I said no I have plenty of hair in my jeans which contradicts the previous statement but that's what life is all about: contradictions.

[Mike]

On Nov 7, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<4e7f9acf-d86a-4039...@googlegroups.com>):

Were you at least patriotic about it and bought one that was a - merkin
made???

[Don Stockbauer]

this lady I'm married to and I won't mention her name because you're getting tired of it and I wanted a child and since she's sterile from having been a prostitute before I met her we had a surrogate couple make us a baby and it was right here in America we didn't have to go to Taiwan or anything so that's where they got that line for that country song "my baby is American made"

[Mike]

On Nov 7, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<77eeea72-f951-44c6...@googlegroups.com>):

> made”

Yes, you always have been on the make

[Don Stockbauer]

I went down to a used car lot and they had Fords and Chevys and Chryslers and Buicks, so I got a little sleepy so I lay across the hood of one of them and the salesman came over and said "you must be on the
make"

[Mike]

On Nov 8, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<7a71a2fd-a00b-449d...@googlegroups.com>):

> make”
If you could only a- ford it.

[Don Stockbauer]

I have to be able to afford it because to get to town I have to drive through a creek with pretty deep water so the only way to do that is to ford it.

[Mike]

On Nov 8, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<6934ef75-5372-4390...@googlegroups.com>):

And that joke is creek-ing

[Don Stockbauer]

You're right. I had the joke printed up , tore it into pieces and threw it in the creek.

[Mike]

On Nov 9, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<66680e3b-bd6b-45bf...@googlegroups.com>):

> On Wednesday, November 9, 2022 at 5:20:53 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > On Nov 8, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > (in article<6934ef75-5372-4390...@googlegroups.com>):

> > > I have to be able to afford it because to get to town I have to drive
> > > through
> > > a creek with pretty deep water so the only way to do that is to ford it.
> > And that joke is creek-ing
>

> You're right. I had the joke printed up , tore it into pieces and threw it in
> the creek.

I will brook no littering in our pristine waters.

[Don Stockbauer]

And of course we know what song was inspired by Dolly Parton lying face up in a creek nude ; it was Islands in the Stream.

[Mike]

On Nov 9, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<1a62f1e3-e0a4-416d...@googlegroups.com>):

It looked so inviting you fell into the stream??

[Don Stockbauer]

And I streamed our activities directly to Live Cleo just to prove to her that more than just she is in this game.

[Mike]

On Nov 10, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<6dc51981-7da1-435b...@googlegroups.com>):

Even thou she smells rather gamey???

[Don Stockbauer]

How did you know? She's an ardent gamer!

[Mike]

On Nov 11, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<5f72a1e2-93de-4188...@googlegroups.com>):

Since she is game, will, you shoot her???

[Don Stockbauer]

No, it's a basic rule of humanity that just because you can do something you don't have to do it . In the movie Schindler's List a concentration camp leader was shooting inmates as they walked across the grounds , Schindler told him just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to do it.

[Mike]

On Nov 11, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<0b790e8f-c8dd-43bd...@googlegroups.com>):

> On Friday, November 11, 2022 at 2:33:26 PM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > On Nov 11, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > (in article<5f72a1e2-93de-4188...@googlegroups.com>):

> > > How did you know? She's an ardent gamer!
> > Since she is game, will, you shoot her???
>

> No, it's a basic rule of humanity that just because you can do something you
> don't have to do it . In the movie Schindler's List a concentration camp
> leader was shooting inmates as they walked across the grounds , Schindler
> told him just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to do it.

Tell that to those yahoo’s who think roadsigns are legitimate targets for
their guns.

[Don Stockbauer]

On Saturday, November 12, 2022 at 5:12:32 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> On Nov 11, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> (in article<0b790e8f-c8dd-43bd...@googlegroups.com>):
> > On Friday, November 11, 2022 at 2:33:26 PM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > > On Nov 11, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > > (in article<5f72a1e2-93de-4188...@googlegroups.com>):
> > > > How did you know? She's an ardent gamer!
> > > Since she is game, will, you shoot her???
> >
> > No, it's a basic rule of humanity that just because you can do something you
> > don't have to do it . In the movie Schindler's List a concentration camp
> > leader was shooting inmates as they walked across the grounds , Schindler
> > told him just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to do it.
> Tell that to those yahoo’s who think roadsigns are legitimate targets for
> their guns.
> Michael LeVine
> mle...@redshift.com
>
> Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
> finding it everywhere,
> diagnosing it incorrectly,
> and applying the wrong remedies.
> Groucho Marx

Most of those people use Hotmail instead of Yahoo .

Anyway you didn't provide a very good example : the penultimate example is the Target sign , it's a perfect target so what you do is you go down to a Target store and you start shooting at one of their signs because it's a perfect target and then when the police come for you just tell them "Officer, I'm easily confused , it's a perfect target and what does it say right under the target in English? There's the word "TARGET" in big capital letters , it's a target , you can't weasel your way out of this."

The most common response I get to this set of instructions from sane people is the next thing you'll see after the police is going to be the men in the white suits.

[Mike]

On Nov 12, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<d37ba7dc-be64-4861...@googlegroups.com>):

With the proverbial butterfly nets

[Don Stockbauer]

I was hiking through a field one time and five guys in white suits came at me with butterfly nets , I told them "hey , can I have any specimens you catch? I've got a butterfly collection at home."

[Mike]

On Nov 13, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<41e0d3c7-aca3-4f9e...@googlegroups.com>):

> I've got a butterfly collection at home.”

I have a milk churn that can really make the butter fly.

[Don Stockbauer]

In Houston there's a restaurant called Madam Butterfly's, a Chinese place ; however we called it Madame Batter Fries'.

[Mike]

On Nov 13, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<506991e7-44b4-4e70...@googlegroups.com>):

The old lady who lived in the shoe had little trouble keeping her numerous
brood in line,
She knew which side her brood should be battered on

[Don Stockbauer]

I've always heard that "A little bit of butter makes the batter better" or words to that effect.

[Mike]

On Nov 14, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<f069ce9e-e6fd-445d...@googlegroups.com>):

If you can find a whey to make a profit on it --- do it.

[Don Stockbauer]

I'd need to sell a lot of curds and whey together to make a lot of money.

[Mike]

On Nov 14, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<6977dd27-81e8-41c2...@googlegroups.com>):

The markey for it may be bad now but you can tuffet out till things improve.

[Don Stockbauer]

No, instead of gambling on the stock market I go to Las Vegas and gamble there because after I gamble away all my money I can sneak into one of those shows featuring pretty dancing girls (story told before).

[Mike]

On Nov 15, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<4942995c-2ca5-4d1d...@googlegroups.com>):

Just be sure it is not a show by one of the magicians performing there
because
they would make freeloaders like you vanish.

[Don Stockbauer]

I once had a job loading pecans onto a truck but then the freeloaders came along and put me out of a job.

[Mike]

On Nov 15, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<0a3be16b-19e6-49fd...@googlegroups.com>):

So you told your boss to take your job and shovel it...

[Don Stockbauer]

> Groucho Marx luhttps://groups.google.com/g/alt.humor.puns/c/1vX29nENCQc

Yes, shovelling it is correct since my next job was starring in the Locomotive Breath video by Jethro Tull.

[Mike]

On Nov 15, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<b7e6048e-c45d-4b7e...@googlegroups.com>):

What Loco motive got you to do that???

[Don Stockbauer]

His name was Crazy Horse.

[Mike]

On Nov 16, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<f6e7c182-4014-47e5...@googlegroups.com>):

Sounds more like a Psycho - Ceramic (cracked pot) to me

[Don Stockbauer]

We had a teacher in eighth grade and somebody asked him why does crackpot mean insane and he said well it's because the pot is analogous to someone's brain case and a cracked pot let's all the content run out.

[Mike]

On Nov 16, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<2e4a485c-5210-4998...@googlegroups.com>):

I am content with that explanation.

[Don Stockbauer]

All these people keep saying "I have to create more content in my posts " well that's easy the content for a post is wood

[Mike]

On Nov 17, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<6baa2fc0-c393-440f...@googlegroups.com>):

> On Thursday, November 17, 2022 at 3:48:45 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > On Nov 16, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > (in article<2e4a485c-5210-4998...@googlegroups.com>):

> > > We had a teacher in eighth grade and somebody asked him why does crackpot
> > > mean insane and he said well it's because the pot is analogous to someone's
> > > brain case and a cracked pot let's all the content run out.
> > I am content with that explanation.

> All these people keep saying "I have to create more content in my posts "
> well that's easy the content for a post is wood

Then you need to get busy doing it --- post haste

[Don Stockbauer]

> finding it everywhere, https://biobridgeglobal.org/donors/blood-donation/resources-for-donors/

> diagnosing it incorrectly,
> and applying the wrong remedies.
> Groucho Marx

I try to hurry on a job for the first part of it but it never works , I always have to do posthaste.

[Mike]

On Nov 17, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<1d261759-b5d9-4bc2...@googlegroups.com>):

Just so you are not playing post office with the secretary --- Darlene could
catch you at it.

Michael LeVine
mle...@redshift.com

Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere,

[Don Stockbauer]

I have been playing post office with the secretary; that involves throwing mail into the bushes.

[Mike]

On Nov 18, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<ca71c89d-126c-41a9...@googlegroups.com>):

So at the end off the day you could say truthfully that you are bushed???

[Don Stockbauer]

Yes, also during the sessions with Live Cleo she has a strange cat that comes in wielding a cat o' nine tails. So I was Pussywhipped.

[Mike]

On Nov 18, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<8dd75477-4c46-4ac9...@googlegroups.com>):

A strap- ing big cat I assume.

[Don Stockbauer]

One of my most enjoyable evenings was playing mumbly-pegging with Tom Selleck.

[Mike]

On Nov 19, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<8dd3eebc-7238-437c...@googlegroups.com>):

What is the mutter with your voice??? Speak up.

[Don Stockbauer]

When I was 10 years old, my father went to my mother beaming with pride. He told her "Honey, Don has just learned to say half a word ; he's learned
to say "Mother."

[Mike]

On Nov 19, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<a5ca51c4-49bb-4bc5...@googlegroups.com>):

> to say "Mother.”

Thats the difference between the have and have-nots...

[Don Stockbauer]

So if you have a rope that has a bunch of knots in it, does that mean you're a have-knots?

[Mike]

On Nov 19, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<cf07bc9f-48f9-4d15...@googlegroups.com>):

But they lead a very knot--y life

[Don Stockbauer]

Knotty? So do two dogs who are mating that get hung up.

[Mike]

On Nov 20, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<4c98f439-72d4-4f55...@googlegroups.com>):

Have a strong connection

[Don Stockbauer]

There were these two dogs that were dating and they were establishing a good connection between the two of them , one evening he showed up on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers , he told her "You
sure are looking good tonight, Lassie, and whatever you rolled in sure does stink."

[Mike]

On Nov 20, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<210e2796-cc16-426e...@googlegroups.com>):

> On Sunday, November 20, 2022 at 11:50:08 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > On Nov 20, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > (in article<4c98f439-72d4-4f55...@googlegroups.com>):

> > Have a strong connection

> There were these two dogs that were dating and they were establishing a good
> connection between the two of them , one evening he showed up on her doorstep
> with a bouquet of flowers , he told her "You
> sure are looking good tonight, Lassie, and whatever you rolled in sure does

> stink.”
Another oldie

One flea says to the other “Do you want to walk or take a dog?"

[Don Stockbauer]

On Monday, November 21, 2022 at 1:47:50 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> On Nov 20, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> (in article<210e2796-cc16-426e...@googlegroups.com>):
> > On Sunday, November 20, 2022 at 11:50:08 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > > On Nov 20, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > > (in article<4c98f439-72d4-4f55...@googlegroups.com>):
> > > Have a strong connection
> > There were these two dogs that were dating and they were establishing a good
> > connection between the two of them , one evening he showed up on her doorstep
> > with a bouquet of flowers , he told her "You
> > sure are looking good tonight, Lassie, and whatever you rolled in sure does
> > stink.”
> Another oldie
>
> One flea says to the other “Do you want to walk or take a dog?"
> Michael LeVine
> mle...@redshift.com
>
> Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
> finding it everywhere,
> diagnosing it incorrectly,
> and applying the wrong remedies.
> Groucho Marx

One of them says "I feel like doing my yo-yo ; I want to walk the dog"

[Mike]

On Nov 21, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<1d47fb34-bc5a-456b...@googlegroups.com>):

> One of them says "I feel like doing my yo-yo ; I want to walk the dog”
Thats one way of duncan the issue

[Don Stockbauer]

I am literally the most generous philanthropist on the face of the earth. When a county fair comes
here I always offer myself up to the Duncan booth.

[Mike]

On Nov 21, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<024dbebc-263f-4ea2...@googlegroups.com>):

Yes, you do love duncan those doughnuts.

[Don Stockbauer]

I was just about to walk into church on Sunday and my friend Kevin came walking up and he said "Don, to heck with this , let's go to the First Church of the Dunkin' Donut"

[Mike]

On Nov 22, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<5301a235-66b4-4f78...@googlegroups.com>):

> of the Dunkin' Donut” As a glutton for punishment --- how about the First Church of Buster???

[Don Stockbauer]

I knew this guy , he would only have sex with virgins; his name was Buster Hymen.

[Mike]

On Nov 23, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<4cbcfa7e-0769-4153...@googlegroups.com>):

Which reminds me that a Brassiere is also known as a bust stop

[Don Stockbauer]

And the German term for brassiere is "Holz em frum Floppin".

[Mike]

On Nov 23, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<8ea54c5d-5e97-4c1b...@googlegroups.com>):

No, its “Stopenz floppin"

[Don Stockbauer]

No, "Stop End Floppen" refers to a special brassiere made for the woman's ass.

[Mike]

On Nov 24, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<581fed85-519a-40fe...@googlegroups.com>):

I thought PETA got them banned for abuse of Donkeys???

[Don Stockbauer]

PETA has been diverted from its original cause of protecting animals and now they just make a certain type of bread.

[Mike]

On Nov 25, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<8a862fe9-1a89-426d...@googlegroups.com>):

Just so the Secret Service does not catch them at it

[Don Stockbauer]

I went up to Dad one time and I said "dad I'm going to join the Secret Service "'and he said "well Don , when do you plan to join?" and I told him "just as soon as I can find out anything about them."

[Mike]

On Nov 25, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<859d6ec0-b3b1-45dd...@googlegroups.com>):

> "just as soon as I can find out anything about them.”

So you want to be an agency for change???

[Don Stockbauer]

I went into an agency and I told them "I want to be an agent, see " and they told me "you can be an agent but you can't be the whole agent, see."

[Mike]

On Nov 25, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<ed75ea23-b7cb-4336...@googlegroups.com>):

> told me "you can be an agent but you can't be the whole agent, see.”

So they filed your application in a bureau -- but that does not make you a
bureau - crat.

[Don Stockbauer]

And I applied to get into Arista , that super Duper high intelligence group much smarter than Mensa , but they told me I'll never be an Arista-crat.

[Mike]

On Nov 26, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<7132bdee-82dd-438f...@googlegroups.com>):

> lOn Saturday, November 26, 2022 at 3:52:51 AM UTC-6, Mike wrote:
> > On Nov 25, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
> > (in article<ed75ea23-b7cb-4336...@googlegroups.com>):
> >

> > So they filed your application in a bureau -- but that does not make you a
> > bureau - crat.
>

> And I applied to get into Arista , that super Duper high intelligence group
> much smarter than Mensa , but they told me I'll never be an Arista-crat.

The Arisians were indeed quite smart but then again so were the Eddorians
and look what happened to them in the end

[Don Stockbauer]

Science fiction. Yuck. It got on me.

[Mike]

On Nov 26, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<dd4ac52c-c5fb-4af4...@googlegroups.com>):

Shall I call a doctor?? I can call either Asimov or Smith...

[Don Stockbauer]

they have these drones that fly around in the Middle East killing people and I thought man what a dream job you sit in a little air conditioned office somewhere and push some buttons and you can kill people so I was doing that one day and then Henderson came up to me and asked "what invention are you working on now" and I told him "well this is a new model killing drone , this one you just type in someone's name and it goes out and kills them " so then Harrison said "you just typed in John Smith "

[Mike]

On Nov 27, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<62abaa4e-b969-442d...@googlegroups.com>):

> Harrison said "you just typed in John Smith “

A variation on the Crunch bird.

[Don Stockbauer]

The possibilities are endless ; for example , you could say "crunch bird , Nestlé crunch " and it' would go crunch a Nestles crunch , or "Crunch bird, captain crunch " and it would go crunch the captain.

[Mike]

On Nov 27, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<accd5930-7283-4804...@googlegroups.com>):

How about the zoo keeper who found that his Boa Constrictor had escaped.
He hung a sign on the cage saying “Out to Crunch"

[Don Stockbauer]

Gary Larson drew a cartoon which he could never make public ;
it showed a boa constrictor in a baby crib with a huge lump in its middle.

[Mike]

On Nov 28, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<c4377924-0f0a-4d86...@googlegroups.com>):

I still prefer the one of the boy practicing his tuba behind the outhouse

[Don Stockbauer]

I like the one which I guess was by Larson ,one of the greatest scientific cartoons of all time , it showed some fish in the water playing baseball right up by the shoreline and one of them has batted the ball up onto the beach and they're all wondering what to do.

[Mike]

On Nov 28, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote

(in article<4fab591f-8c1d-4f80...@googlegroups.com>):

Not his, b ut --- picture of Dung Beetle Motivational Seminar with sign
saying
“When Shit Happens -- be Sure it Happens to You"

[Don Stockbauer]

Dung Beatles display some amazingly human-like behavior ; often you'll see one of them rolling a ball of dung along and there's a second one riding on it just waiting to steal it.

[Mike]

On Nov 30, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<e295a170-eaa8-4e8e...@googlegroups.com>):

And by succeeding -- he dung him wrong!

[Don Stockbauer]

I like that scene in the movie "A Clockwork Orange" where Little Alex's crew pillaged a home and then Dim insisted on dunging on the front porch , which even Alex thought was a bit too much.

[Mike]

On Dec 1, 2022, Don Stockbauer wrote
(in article<e40dcab6-a969-412e...@googlegroups.com>):

Dun was the pillage idiot.

[Don Stockbauer]

There's this really great sketch by the Monty python flying circus where John Cleese is playing a village idiot and he walks around the Village running into lampposts, getting hit by cars, and dogs biting him . At the end of the sketch it shows him in the company of five luscious babes and he said "I may be an idiot, but I'm no fool."