Kids Puns of the Weak 12-28-04
Stan Kegel
I will be on vacation without internet access. This will be the last edition
of "Jkids Puns of the Weak" until January 11th, 2005.
HOLIDAY PUNS
I know a man, his name is Lang,
And he has a neon sign.
And Mister Lang is very old,
So they call it Old Lang's Sign.
(By Alan Sherman based on a poem by Robert Burns)
God rest ye merry merchants
May ye make the Yuletide pay!
Angels we have heard on high
Urge us to go out and buy!
(Tom Lehrer)
The Four Stages of Man
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus. (Archives)
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest.
And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do
something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a
plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However it
wasnąt his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud of his
nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive
about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the
average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he
let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since
that time, January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Why did the boyąs mother knit him three socks for Christmas?
Because since last Christmas he has grown another foot. (Andy, 8)
Rudolph the Red was sitting in his cabin in the heart of Russia eating his
supper with his wife. Looking out of the window his wife remarked that it
was snowing outside. "No it isn't," said Rudolph, "It's raining". His wife
convinced that she was right went outside to check the weather. Finding that
what looked like snow was really only rain, she came back indoors and told
Rudolph that he was right. "How did you know?" she asked. He replied,
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" (Venky)
What does St. Nick's appearance signify?
The presents of Christmas. (Lam Hanson)
I don't think I'll attend this year's Christmas dinner. My wife gave me a
haircut this morning. And now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner
with all the trimmings. (Pastor Tim Davis)
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
ts true. .Comet cleans sinks! (Sandy Sibert)
Who brings toys to good little dogs?
Santa Paws! (Amy, 10)
What do Spanish landlords say when they wish each other a Merry Christmas?
Fee-Lease Navidad (Conrad L. Macina)
What do you call an undressed Santa?
A Nudenik (Stan Kegel)
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "What's wrong with me? I'm afraid
of Santa." The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrophobic." (Jon, 9)
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and
horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" (Archives)
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with
it, it flew away. (Rodney Dangerfield)
Christmas is the time of year when mother has to separate the men from the
toys. (Leopold Fechtner)
Sir Lancelot borrowed from Silas a garment that Lance wanted to see on
Guenevere that night. But Lancelot became enraged when he discovered the
garment was torn, which led to a big feud. The cause of the uproar was
characterized in a five-word headline in the local paper. How did it read?
Si lent knight holey nightie. (Cynthia MacGregor)
łSee! Says right here thereąs a 100% chance of snow on Christmas Morning!˛
łWell, sure! Thatąs the Nome, Alaska web page!˛ łOK, but you gotta like
their slogan - ŚNome for the holidaysą˛ (Adam: Brian Basset)
What is the unique attribute that makes this paragraph appropriate for the
Christmas season? Be sure to use your imagination and your powers of
observation but be specific and brief or you might miss the insidious
feature that provides the answer to this question.
No L (Stan Kegel)
Whatąs the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth ! (Kids Jokes)
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him ! (Kidąs Jokes)
And what do Spanish sailors whose wives have just given birth say when they
wish each other a Merry Christmas?
Feliz Navy Dad (Conrad L. Macina)
What do you call a ghost hanging around Santaąs Workshop?
A North Pole-tergiest (Craig, 14)
"
Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers Make out your Chopin Liszt early before
Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can
still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have
time to give Bach things you decide you don't want. (Marsha Coleman)
If you go shopping early you will surely be baroque, because you can shop at
each store Purcell. Yule be saying, "I wish I Haydn't did it, I guess my sin
is Grieg". I bought too many 3 Stooges paraphernalia, but I couldn't resist
Mozart. Now all I see at the bottom of my checkbook are those big, bad
Berlioz. But don't worry, after shopping, yule just say, "Schumann, let's go
eat some Mexican crocodile named 'Elgar' and then we can top it off with
some Shubert". Afterwhich, I can give you a ride home in my station Wagner.
(David Williams)
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles (Daily Groaner)
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it! (Daily Groaner)
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple! (Daily Groaner)
Why did the boy take the Christmas tree to the barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed. (Kyle, 9)
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
(Daily Groaner)
In 1884 Holly was first used for holiday decoration, and everyone had a
Berry Christmas. (Daryl Stout)
Before he sold Christmas trees, he got himself spruced up (Pun of the Day)
When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only Christmas gift and found two
baby teeth inside, she ran upstairs bawling. Funny, that's *all* she raved
about wanting last year. (Brad Simanek from Ruminations)
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the
door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye,
the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer,
and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed
the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the
first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the
hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At
these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." (Tom Evans)
A few years ago my husband and I were invited to a very small dinner party
in honor of Christmas. The hostess was one of those "Martha Stewart" types
and had squares of cheese with a toothpick topping looking like little
trees. "Sam," she says, "why aren't you eating any cheese?" Knowing my
husband couldn't find an elephant in the tub, I explained, "He can't see
the cheese for the forest." (Archives)
As soon as Mary finished with the swaddling clothes, she turned to Joseph
and said "That's a wrap." (Norm Stevenson)
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his
watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it
from." (David Letterman)
What brings a big smile to a ram's face?
Happy Ewe Near! (Johann von Haupkopf)
A Choir: I always A CHOIR many useless gifts on Christmas. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
This fella passed away, and he arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter is
waiting there to check him in, and the guy questions St. Peter as to how he
determines who gets in and who doesn't. "Frankly," St. Peter replies, "we
rely a lot on the list we get from Santa Claus." (Douglas Helsel)
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
What happened when the cannibal ate a missionary?
He got a taste of religion (Pun of the Day)
Where do cars get the most flat tires?
Where there is a fork in the road. (Daily Groaner)
What did one palm tree say to the other palm tree?
"Let's have a date". (Mike Bull)
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple. (Ellen, 8)
What do you call a temperamental poodle?
A hot dog (Dylan, 7)
Where should you put the officers in a military orchestra?
In the brass section (Daily Groaner)
Why can't you tell a joke to the ice?
It will crack up. (TJ, 11)
What happened when my cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens. (Julie, 5)
What are the best letters to read when its hot?
Fan Mail (Mini Jokes)
Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
No, I skipped it! (Sarah, 12)
What did the shark say when he bumped into the whale?
I didn't do it on porpoise. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
Why doesn't the piano work?
Because it only knows how to play. (Joseph Rosenbloom)
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer (James, 7)
How is an engaged woman like a telephone?
They both have rings! (Abigail, 11)
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine. (Harry, 7)
What number does a pig dial when it needs help?
Swine-One-One. (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
What do you call a witch with chicken pox?
An itchy witchy! (Lauren, 8)
Why did the mouse take a bath?
To get squeaky clean! (Alexis, 9)
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
A peeping Tom (Rita)
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with suitcases! (Rachel, 9)
Why was the clock banned from the library?
Because it tocked too much. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam)
What did the firefly say to the other firefly?
"You glow girl!" (Cristina, 9)
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste! (Jezebell, 11)
Why did the karate expert wear a black belt?
To keep his pants up. (Joe Rosenbloom)
Why did the baker stop baking bread?
Because he wasn't making enough dough. (Daily Groaner)
What did the baseball player do when the coach said to steal second?
He stole the base and went home. (Fred , 9)
What did the first casket say to the second casket?
Is that you coffin? (Brittany, 12)
Did you hear about the deadly serpent with a lovely singing voice?
It was a choral snake. (Lederer & Ertner)
A man who worked in the butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair and wore
size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?
Meat. (Roberto, 11)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
Counterfeit money is homemade dough. (Archives)
If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence? (Stan
Kegel)
When the pigeons invaded the town square, they brought a flock of trouble.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money
William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing scales, which
proves that where there's a Will, there is a weigh.
An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the
gravity of the situation. (Mike Bull)
When mealworms bore their way into boxes of Puffed Rice, Wheaties and Corn
Flakes at the supermarket, the manager stated they were dealing with cereal
killers. (Cryptograms)
He was going to step into a bucket of ice, but got cold feet (Pun of the
Day)
When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for granite.
(Mike Bull)
When Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the flag
that she had made. It was the first flag poll. (Richard Lederer)
Show me a blacksmith who is making hardware for a bathroom, and I'll show
you a man who is forging a head. (Archives)
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
(Imbaldira)
The gambler bet on the 300 pound wrestler because he was a heavy favorite.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
When it comes to family, is everything relative? (Tony Thoennes)
The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release. (Haust Javeri)
The hospital lab is recruiting. They're looking for new blood. (Pun of the
Day)
Dew knot trussed you're spell chequer too fined awl mistakes. (Fred Barling)
She went on a diet because she was big on sweets. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)
The waiter was six foot eight, and handled many a tall order. (Pun of the
Day)
The gambler bet on the 300 pound wrestler because he was a heavy favorite.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
In 1909 Rodent traps were invented. It was hoped that many people would
gopher them. (Daryl Stout)
There's a guy at the police station who draws pictures of suspects. He's a
con artist. (Mike Bull)
To learn how to walk down a fashion runway takes a model student. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.
He had to learn what the measles was from scratch. (Pun of the Day)
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was
Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I
told the waiter, Spain good, but there is Norway I could eat another bite.
(Mike Bull)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
I've retired to become chairman of the bored. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Editor: "Got anything interesting for the front page?" Reporter: "Apparenty
a guy broke into a little shop downtown that specializes in rare coins.
While he was ransacking the place, he tripped an alarm. He panicked when he
heard sirens, swallowed all the evidence and tried to make a break for it.
When the cops caught him, all they could charge him with was breaking and
entering. Then, on a hunch, one of the cops slipped him a laxative." Editor:
"Geez, talk about loose change." (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
The bitter dispute continued with the elevator operators walking off the job
and vowing not to back down. Or up. (Cornered: Mike Baldwin)
Most beauty is like a salad It all depends on the dressing. (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
"So he lives at the North Pole and he brings toys to every little girl and
boy, but to some kids, he just gives a lump of coal." "Santa sounds a little
bipolar to me." (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)
My supervisor says I'm too negative ‹ but I doubt it." (Bottom Liners: Eric
& Bill Teitelbaum)
A fat Euclid drawing triangles and circles on blackboard. Student: "The
irony is Euclid himself is way out of shape. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Woman carrying many packages of gifts: "Veni, Vidi, Visa! I came, I saw, I
spent." (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)
Angels passing a booth. Sign: "Get A Life! Reincarnation Applications"
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
When giving Christmas jewelry, make sure it won't turn green by springtime.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"If Santa has to carry toys up and down chimneys to every kid in the world,
I betcha he's really achy and sore the next morning." "Good thing he has
Tannen-baum. (Soup to Nutz: Rick Stromoski)
Remember when a depression was a dent in your car fender? (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)