Puns of the Weak 03-14-03
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS
What's the difference between Little Miss Muffet and Little George Bush ?
One suffered from arachnophobia. The other suffers from Iraqnophobia.
(Gunjan Saraf)
Michael Jackson defends sleeping with children. Around kids, he’s known
to be a saint. Well, maybe a priest. (Alan Ray)
Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are debating on “60 Minutes” They take quite
opposite viewpoints on issues they are passionate about. Bob Dole says
Viagra “tastes great.” Bill Clinton says Viagra “is less filling.”
(Argus Hamilton)
Thousands of Catholics flocked to Boston to devise a strategy to break
U.S. Bishops' grip on church finances. Next on the agenda is getting
them to break their grip on altar boys. (Barach)
In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying
on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace." Right idea, wrong
president." (Jay Leno)
Southern Californians protested the record-high cost of gasoline at the
pump Saturday. The stations don't even bother to post prices. The sign
in front of the Chevron station in Beverly Hills reads, “If You Have to
Ask, You Can't Afford It. “ (Argus Hamilton)
A California congressman was reporting back on his trip from Baghdad. He
said that almost no one spoke English, poison gas filled the sky, and he
saw people firing guns in the street and that was on the way to the L.A.
airport. (Jay Leno)
President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was
reported that if the plan passes, the president himself would save
$44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford
to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job
applications. (Tina Fey)
President Bush says he's optimistic about the economy. He adheres to an
old philosophy his dad once taught him. "When the going gets tough, the
tough bomb Iraq." (Alan Ray)
Bayer released a brand-new anti-impotence drug called Levitra in England
on Tuesday. It's advertised to be good for five to six hours at a time.
Tony Blair bought up the entire first shipment to keep the Labor Party
from going soft on Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)
A lawsuit brought by a New York family claiming that McDonald's food
made them obese was thrown out of court by a judge. Afterwards, the
overweight family said it could've been worse, they could've been thrown
out of a food court. (Conan O'Brien)
T HOLIDAY PUNS
Ides of March was a murderous day
For J. Caesar in Shakespeare's big play.
Caesar wanted to know
Who'd delivered the blow.
So he took a wild stab, "Et tu, Bruté?"
(Kirk Miller)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy Saint Patrick’s Day (Crystal Jasmine and BooBoo)
A conspiring young waitress named Faye
Took his order of seafood that day.
Said, "What do you want, Sir?"
Then stabbed with a dagger.
Caesar grimaced and said, "Et-ou-ffé!" (Et tu, Faye!)
(Kirk Miller)
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn’t afford plane fare. (Berta)
"Be on the lookout, my friends, for the enemy which shows up every War
God Month. She is known by the mortal name, Marjorie Swayed. She is
roaming around selling inferior sheepskins, substandard calf skins and
pony skins, so ill-produced that they cannot be cured. .Beware the hides
of Marge, seize her." (Leo Munro)
Two boy Hyde cousins, Marc an' Tony, are going to a Roman Toga party
with intent to woo the same girl. One cousin puts on lavish jewelry to
impress the girl, a diamond clasp for his toga, and a ruby studded crown
on his Roman pompadour. The other cousin dresses plainly, intent to
impress the girl with personality and not with accessories. Which cousin
gets to date the girl the next day? Why of course, the Jewel-less sees
her. (Guy Ben Moshe)
Guglielmo Marconi, an Italian, is generally credited with the invention
of radio. However, scientists from all over the world had to make
contributions before radio could be a reality. For instance, an American
Joseph Henry and an Englishman, Michael Faraday proved that currents in
one wire could produce currents in another. Edouard Branly, a Frenchman,
invented a devise that could receive Marconi's transmissions and ring a
bell. John Fleming, an Englishman, invented the vacuum tube necessary to
receive radio waves which was later improved by another American, Lee de
Forest. But none of this would have been possible without a means to
collect the sounds for transmissions. The common belief is that the
microphone was invented by an Irishman. But this is purely a patent mike
story. (Stan Kegel)
If you would be like Johnny Appleseed, you would be well advised to
visit Maryland because that's where Annapolis. Unless you wish to try
the native variety, in which case you'll need to visit Indiana, because
that's where Indianapolis. (Sandy Siebert)
What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
Sham rock (Patrick and Marianne )
It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab wounds
by Brutus ... but rather he was poisoned. At the huge banquet on that
fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some poisonous hemlock leaves onto
Julius's salad. (This was the world's first Caesar's salad!) When Julius
slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and asked: "My dear
friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?" To which Julius
gasped in reply: "Ate two, Brutus." (Archives)
There was a farmer who grew a monster strawberry and was certain that it
must be a world record. He called the county agricultural agent to come
out and see it and confirm if it was indeed the largest strawberry ever
seen. That afternoon the farmer looked out his window just in time to
see the county agent stuffing the enormous strawberry into the trunk of
his car. He ran outside in a rage and demanded that the agent give a
reason why he was making off with his prized berry. "Oh you don't
understand," explained the county agent. "I came to seize your berry,
not to appraise it." (Gary Hallock)
Seamus and Mick were walking in the woods when they came across a sign
saying, 'Tree Fellers Wanted.' Seamus said, "Ye know Mick, it's a shame
Paddy isn't here... We could ha' gotten the job."
Until Julius, ladies wanted to be married in March, that was considered
a lucky month and allowed them to have their first children in the dead
of winter, near the solstice, a time when they wouldn't be leaving their
houses anyway. After Caesar, however, June became the best month because
nobody wanted to be one of the "Brides of March". (Clynch Varnadore)
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of
Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and
deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the
country's capitol was always Dublin. (Archives)
JEST FOR KIDS
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants! (Ronette, 7)
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
So he could break out. (Kevin. 10)
What kind of tooth is worth a dollar?
A buck tooth! (George, 17)
Why did the kid eat his homework?)
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! (Kevin, 9
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14 carrot ring! (Dominic, 13)
How do ugly ducklings live?
Swan day at a time (Mini Jokes)
Why did the shark laugh after it ate the clown?
Because he tasted funny (Gustavo)
Why did the students flunk the final exam at the Magician's School?
They were all trick questions. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
What are the best letters to read when its hot?
Fan Mail (Mini Jokes)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese. (Crazy Puns)
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It's too far to walk. (Ty, 9)
What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
At the quack of dawn (Mini Jokes)
Why did everyone like to buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
Because they knew she was a medium. (Archives)
Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip. (Anita, 8)
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?
Nothing, they just waved. (James, 8)
Why does a pencil seem heavy when you write with it for a long time?
Because it is full of lead. (Trudy, `13)
Where do you buy metal leashes for dogs?
In a chain store (Lederer & Ertner)
Mother: “Eat your spinach. It's good for growing kids.”
Child: “Who wants to grow kids?” (Kids Jokes)
What kind of doctor has ducks for patients?
A quack (Mini Jokes)
How much is that duck?
Ten dollars
Okay, could you please send me the bill?
I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird (Archives)
Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?
Her baby is a little Bigger.(Stephanie, 7)
Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn't do
What was that
My homework! (Sue, 9)
Where do young dogs sleep when camping?
In pup tents.(Rachel, 7)
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s been nice gnawing you! (Crazy Puns)
What kind of tree is always ready to shake hands?
A palm tree (Mike Artell)
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide! (Kathleen, 8)
What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
A baseball team. (Kyle, 11)
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. (Pastor Tim)
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones. (Crazy Puns)
What do bees use to make their hair look nice?
Honey combs (Mike Artell)
Q: Where can you find a salad in a clothing store?
In the "dressing" room! (Elizabeth, 10)
Why is it that the hearing of people who work on the railroad is
different from other's people hearing?
Because they have engine ears. (Daily Groaner)
Hey, Grandpop! Why did you give me four quarters instead of a dollar bill?
Cause change is good for people. (Dim Wit)
Pet Owner: Doc, I have a problem, every time a bell rings my dog goes
and sits in the corner!
Vet: That's perfectly normal; after all, he's a boxer! (Marsha
Coleman)
“Excuse me, sonny—can you direct me to the nearest bank?”
“ I’ll tell you for five dollars”.
“Well, now.. .that’s a lot of money, isn’t it?”
“Not for a bank director!” (Marty Dee)
RIDDLES
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation.
A He Then (By Stan Kegel)
What do you call the study of names of mythical dwarflike creatures who
live underground?
Gnomenclature (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why did the otter go in and out of the lake?
He went in for diverse reasons, and he came out for sundry reasons.
(Alan B. Combs)
What do you call those leather containers that Frenchmen carry their
wine in?
Gaul bladders (Stan Kegel)
A scientist took a machine used to measure light emissions and modified
it to detect ghosts instead. What might he have called it?
Spectre-Graph (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call medieval torture in a French Church?
Rack in Rouen, (David Reihmer)
What do many big companies have in common with certain religious church groups?
They have prophet sharing plans (Scott Ryan)
COMICS
The mating game is never called because of darkness. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
“Last night I discovered that my date wore dentures.” “How did you learn
that?” “It came out during a conversation.” (Mother Goose and Grimm:
Mike Peters)
“Since this is a carpool, are you the lifeguard, Mom?” (Dennis the
Menace: Hank Ketcham)
"Then I hurt my back in Egypt's biggest city." "I hope you saw a
Cairopractor!" (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Some antiques aren’t as old as they’re cracked up to be.” (Graffiti:
Gene Mora)
“I blew my driver test because I put make-up on while driving. Let’s
see. Lipstick. Eye shadow. Mascara. O K, I’m all set for the makeup
exam.” (Potluck Parish: Mark O’Neill)
Doctor examining patient covered with welts: “My goodness, what
happened?” “I dated a women because I thought she said she had a lot of
money.” “Yes,” “She really said ‘Honey.’ She was a beekeeper” (Bull$ &
Bear$: Wells & Lindstrom)
Your brain is as strong as your weakest think (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
What did the duck hunter say to the hungry pacifist?
“Hey, Buddy, no harm, no fowl!” (Get Fuzzy: Darby Conley)
Wife: “How can you stand to drink all that beer every night at the
tavern?” Drunk husband: “I don’t stand. I sit on a bar stool!” (Hager
the Horrible: Chris Browne)
I’ve retired to become chairman of the bored. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Waitress: “I sure don’t want to wind up an old maid.” Customer: I don’t
blame you. But quite frankly, I didn’t know they needed winding.”
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
ONE-LINERS:
I don't care what anyone says, I think George W. Bush is a shining wit.
-- But then I am prone to spoonerising. (My Stacy)
Lately my friend has been daydreaming about have another baby. She has
all these infantasies. (Cynthia MacGregor)
My roof leaks—due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun)
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying (Renee from Napa)
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the
“stainless stealer.” (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up
her credit cards. (Haust Javeri)
Anna has bad team spirit. I want to banana from the team (Cynthia
MacGregor)
When the racing sculls approached, the spectator pulled for them. (Jumble)
I believe in circumcision. After all, it's no skin off my nose. (Renee
from Napa)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Pun of the Day)
The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job to
buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to watch TV
without a re-moat. (Daniel Riehs)
I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills.
It's labeled "Due unto others." (J. Wilson)
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache (D. A. Funk)
She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from
Mourning Sickness! (Johann von Haupkopf)
Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many earthquakes?
(Lawrence Brotherton)
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment
with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the
solution. (Daryl Stout)
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and how about one for the road." (Clean Laughs)
Victoria’s Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian
slips. (Norm Gilbert)
The Life Savers candy company decided to call their latest flavor
Refresh Mint (Cynthia MacGregor)
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past, but never
the present. (Renee from Napa)
Auto body-shop sign: “We come highly wreck-a-mended” (Anita M. Gard)
As a high school student, Lenin was obsessed with his Marx. (Daniel Riehs)
Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein. (Daryl Stout)
"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. "It's
walking between those two buildings--it's obviously an alleygator."
(Cynthia MacGregor)
I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot.
(Lee Daniel Quinn)
Stable relationships are for horses (Renee from Napa)
Astronauts work in a nice atmosphere. (Mike Bull)
As sharp as women have become today, a husband trying to pull the wool
over his wife's eyes better have some damn good yarn. (Gag-O-Matic)
I know a counterfeiter so cheap that he still has the first dollar he
ever made. (Stan Kegel)
Some men view marriage as a matter of wife and debt. (Mike Bull)
The art exhibit gave the museum a big draw. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
An artist's joke may be off-color (Pun of the Day)
A family joker is jest having fun with his elations? (Mike Bull)
There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound. (Pun of the Day)
The priest hadn't set out to use the communion table, but was soon
forced to altar his plan. (Daniel Riehs)
Some daze I just can't seem to focus. (Crazy Puns)
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. (D. A. Funk)
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted. (Pun of the Day)
GROANERS:
The brilliantly colored, large-billed bird was very elusive. No matter
how hard the hunter tried, the bird got away. Over and over the hunter
set traps that the bird eluded. Finally the bird set a trap for the
hunterand he fell for it. As he realized he'd become the hunted instead
of the hunter, the man yelled, "What the hell!" And the bird laughed,
thinking, "Toucan play at that game." (Cynthia MacGregor)
A Smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their
pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls,
terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island...
there wasn't... a tern unstoned. (Gunjan Saraf)
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We
felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The
communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work
on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the
error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up
the wrong tree!" (Pastor Tim)
Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the
expensive double-insulated energy efficient <windows.This> week I got a
call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a
year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go round and
round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old' lady. Even though
I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman
told me last year: " In one year they will pay for themselves."
(Lorraine Harper)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had
come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and
Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a
legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem
arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric
chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of history
tactfully. The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied
a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution,
was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death
came as a real shock." (Big Al)
It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children. When
one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more difficult. One
young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The father, a Hispanic
National was a traveling salesman for one of the major insurance
companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not give any more
information. The mother was from a Native American tribe in Northeastern
Arizona. She called the boy Juan, after his father it was believed, and
she gave him up for adoption. She left it to the kind people at the
orphanage to take care of the baby, including completing his name.
Eventually they arrived at a name that tied together all of his roots.
People always bugged the child about his name, but he liked it. They
asked how he could put up with such a motley melange, but he would stand
tall and say with great pride, "I am Juan Hopi Kemper. (Bill Brabant)
An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to
get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He
pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.
(Firesong Funnies)
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket. (JokeNite)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I
introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met
over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick
me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K
modem." (Reader's Digest)
This psychic was jailed for false prophecies, but because he was only
4'7" tall and extremely slender, he was able to slip under the bars and
make his escape. Newspaper headline the next day stated, "SMALL MEDIUM
AT LARGE" The psychic was really happy he had escaped, and soon was back
in business in a new location. His first customer, however, was a
plainclothesman who had been searching for him. Before the psychic could
escape, the detective hit the psychic with his fist to subdue him. After
the arrest, the policeman was commended for striking a happy medium. (Archives)
One Sunday, after church, Mom asked her very young daughter what the
Sunday school lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared,
you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in
the day, the pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that
morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, thy
Comforter is coming." (LAB Laffs)
My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The bathrooms
had excessively mirrored walls and his wife preferred not to look at
herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to
place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view. Now I don't think
there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my
uncle: "You should be able to sit and reflect" (Archives)
Two asparagus are walking down the road when one is hit by a car. The
other goes in the ambulance with his friend, sits in the emergency room,
waits for some news. A doctor comes to him. "I have good news and bad
news. The good news - he'll make a full recovery. The bad news - he'll
be a vegetable for life." (Daily Groaner)
DEFINITIONS:
Lemonade: Government program to repair defective automobiles (Stan Kegel)
Blue jeans: Very depressed chromosomes (Jay Christie)
Coronation: The reigny day a monarchy saves for (E4Fun)
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death (Pastor Tim)
Ballet Slippers: Clumsy dancers (Sandy Sibert)
Lesson: A thong bikini (Stan Kegel)
Lambent: A specialist doctor for the ears, noses etc of young sheep.
(Gunjan Saraf)
Acting up: Pretending to be awake. (Joseph Leff)
Exotic Dancer: A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
(Sandy Sibert)
Liposuction: The way some teen-agers kiss (Stan Kegel)
Lucidity: A comical song performed by Ms. Ball. (Gary Hallock)
Circus: The knight in charge of profanity. (Sandy Sibert)
Expansion slots: The extra holes in your belt buckle. (Aaron Dragushan)
Lieutenant: Renter of apartment from a guy named Lou (Ken Pinkham)
Lieutenant: Attendant in rest rooms in fancy restaurants (Stan Kegel)
Label: A french feminine object that sounds a clear musical note when
struck. (Gunjan Saraf)
Class Act: Telling drama students to begin. (Joseph Leff)
Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work. (Geoff Tibballs)
Liquidate: Two boozers go out on the town (Ken Pinkham)
Letter box: Permission for a woman to fight (Stan Kegel)
Admissions: To increase military sorties. (Joseph Leff)
Clothes horse: Order to the last soldier to attack Troy.(Sandy Siebert)
POETRY
Rules say each "Q" needs a "U" at its back
But that's something Qatar and Iraq lack
But don't worry young man
Our Dubya has a plan
Very soon he'll put a "you" in Iraq.
(Ken Pinkham)
A logger on top of Mt. Hood
Saw a bigfoot quite near where he stood.
As the creature drew near,
The man trembled with fear,
As only the petrified wood.
(Gerry Busch)
A man who was losing his vision,
Said "It's all 'cause I watch television."
He said, "It's not fair!"
"Both my eyes have gone square,"
"And the pupils are changing position."
(Don Mulford)
With limerick writing I'm cursed.
While in other forms I'm quite well-versed,
My limericks are minor,
There are others much finer;
Like Germans, I have the knackwurst.
(Gerry Busch)
Electricians are masters of trade,
But they certainly don't have it made.
The news is quite jolting,
To them it's re-volting,
'Cause they say, "We re-fuse to get paid."
(Kirk Miller)
TOM SWIFTIES:
“They shipped the extra large hatchet,” said Tom with a heavy accent.
(Stan Kegel)
"You and Patricia deserve each other," said Tom meretriciously. (Gil Krebs)
“I’m can’t help thinking about about the number of students not
attending class,” Tom professed absentmindedly. (Stan Kegel)
"I should have written down the proposed food supplies," Tom said
listlessly. (Daniel Riehs)
"You don't see the point, do you?" asked Tom, making a stab in the dark.
(Stan Kegel)
"I like pi," Tom said irrationally. (Daniel Riehs)
"Henry the Eighth weighed over 300 pounds!" Tom stated unthinkingly.
(Stan Kegel)
BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :
LINGERIE SHIPMENT HIJACKED; THIEF GIVES POLICE THE SLIP (Richard Lederer)
Wanted: Poof reader. (Make U Grin)
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.. (Ms. Kitty)
4-H GIRLS WIN PRIZES FOR FAT CALVES (Richard Lederer)•
NEWSCASTER: "Mayor John Lindsay said he will keep an eye on the topless
situation in New York; he further said that the courts will also take a
close look at the girls." (Kermit Schafer)
"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them
serious." (Alan Minter)
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.. (Ms. Kitty)
BIG BUSTS INDICATE DRUG WAR WORKING (Richard Lederer)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely
round." (Tony Crozier)
FRESHMEN WOMEN OUTSTRIP MEN AT I.U. (Richard Lederer)
COMMERCIAL: ". . . and so, ladies, on your next trip to your grocer be
sure to order Peanut Pan Peter Butter."(Kermit Schafer)
BLIND BISHOP APPOINTED TO SEE (Richard Lederer)
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: "So when you drive, be sure to keep a safe
distance from the car in front of you; tailgetting will get you nowhere
... that should be tail-gating." (Kermit Schafer)
Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. (Ms. Kitty).
Robin: [Gazing at a female criminal's legs] "Her legs sort of remind me
of Catwoman's." Batman: "You're growing up Robin, but remember: ‘In
crimefighting, always keep your sights high.’ " (A scene from the
Batman TV series)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Birthdays only come once a year. Aren't you glad you're not a birthday?
(Fun 4U)
What's the difference between an expired hillbilly and someone you can't
stand? An expired hillbilly is a hick dead. (Richard Lederer)
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. (D. A. Funk)
The backwards hillbilly girl walked into the drugstore to buy tampons
for the first time. After looking at shelf opon shelf of feminine
hygiene products, she timidly approached the pharmacist with her
dilemma, “I'm confused by all these different brands and sizes,” she
confessed, “I don't know which ones to buy.” “I see,” said the
pharmacist, “tell me, what's your flow like?” Puzzled the girl replied,
“It's linoleum,why?” (Sidewalk Jokes)
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me! (Sea Girl)
What's the difference between a thief and a pimp? A thief is a purse
snatcher (Richard Lederer)
"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all
these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?" He smiled
and replied, "Test me." (Jill's Jokeline)
David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he
replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time." (Scott Sexton)
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask
her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly
agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and
put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't
have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that
hinge?'' She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for
that toaster in the window.'' (Gutter Jokes)
What has six balls and screws rednecks?
The Kentucky Lottery! (Curly David)
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny lady? A
counterfeit dollar is a phony buck. (Richard Lederer)
"I used to call my ex "Superman" when we were in bed." "How flattering!"
"Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet." (Jill's Jokeline)
"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his
bride–to–be finally consented to sex. "What a silly question..." giggled
the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet." (Foot
Long Hot Dog)
What's 69 and 69?
Dinner for four. (Sea Girl)
The reason the modern girl's bathing suit is real cool is that most of
it is real gone. (Playboy)
A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman
in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes
I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure
you're going to ask me anyway..." "OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent
young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!"
snapped the woman. "Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realise you
made a living at it! (Catherine Shoemaker)
Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night." (Scott Sexton)
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock (Archives)
Having received a return from a bachelor executive who claimed a
dependent son, an income-tax inspector sent the form back with a note
saying, "This must be a stenographic error." Back came the report with
the added notation: "You're telling me!" (Playboy)
Nina and Rosey hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat
down to lunch, Nina was stunned at how trim and healthy Rosey looked.
"My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?" "Well," answered
Rosey, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Nina, looking her friend up and down. "You simply
must tell me who does your catering!" (Jill's Jokeline)
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her. (Sea Girl)
Michael Buerk watching Phillip Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." (Scott
Sexton)
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then
closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car for several minutes. (Bob Sachae)
There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again." William Brabant
When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he
looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a
beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather
forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec.
"I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my
lunch hour." (Myrddin)
Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water. (Archives)
My name is Sergeant Friday. I work on Tuesday. Tuesday is my partner.
One night we went to a party. On our way there, we had a flat tire. I
jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped; Then she got out of the car to
fix the tire. When we got to the party, we all felt merry. Merry got mad
and left. We all jumped for Joy. Joy got mad and left too. Then a lady
jumped out of the party cake. We all had a piece. Then we had some cake.
I dropped my keys under the couch. I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt;
Then I looked under the couch for the keys. Then I took her home and we
sat on the porch. Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit. Broke
three of my fingers. I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she closed her
legs and broke my glasses. Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.
So I did; Then I left. (Anon.)