Weakly Humerus News 12-11-04
Stan Kegel
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE
IN THE NEWS * TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY
Hereąs a quick rundown of whatąs happened this week in sports. Tyrone
Willingham was fired by Notre Dame after he dropped his towel in front of
Barry Bonds during a ŚMonday Night Footballą intro and showed him steroids
that he was given by the BCS. And then Ron Artest came on-screen and punched
both of them. (Sport's Pickle)
Realizing that one way to prevent abortions is by preventing pregnancies,
the Catholic Church is seeking to help believers enhance the efficiency of
the one birth-control method it sanctions. Priests are now advising the
faithful that, in addition to being mindful of the wife's reproductive
cycle, they should also be listening to B.B. King records while having sex.
This is known as the "rhythm 'n' blues" method. (Doug Robarchek, Charlotte
Observer)
Texas's BCS fate is too close to Cal. (Austin American-Statesman before BBC
announcement)
50% of American companies give their employees some kind of Christmas
bonus... the other 50% of American companies only have Chinese and Indian
employees who don't know what Christmas is. (Newsweek/Jake Novak)
Treasury Secretary John Snow is expected to be forced out sometime this
week. Republicans are angry about his lack of support for privatizing Social
Security, Democrats are furious that he called U.S. job losses a "myth," and
President Bush is mad because Snow let Nicolas Cage steal the Declaration of
Independence and find that buried treasure. (Jake Novak)
When Justice Antonin Scalia, who did an energetic job of reinforcing the
state's argument at every turn, told Mr. Waxman that the state had an
explanation for each juror and that "a buckshot attack" on the jury
selection "has to be examined pellet by pellet," the lawyer responded: "This
should have gone to a pellet court instead." (Interguru)
After a surprisingly testy exchange with troops in Iraq, the Pentagon
announced the immediate withdrawal of Donald Rumsfeld. (Andy Borowitz)
"Egypt and Israel hope to improve relations by trading prisoners." "Maybe
that would work for the Pacers and Pistons." (Steve Kelley, The New Orleans
Times-Picayune)
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S WEB SITES
Capital Steps: Speaker of the House:
<http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/hastert.mp3>
Or go to: http://www.capsteps.com for the last 5 weeks songs
IN THE NEWS * TODAY'S COMIC STRIPS
"Winslow, you have a cabinet appointment. You can't replace Dan Rather,
too!" "Why not?" "Because you can't be a partisan and pretend to be an
objective journalist at the same time!" "That's a joke, right?" "It's
becoming one." (Prickly City: Scott Stantis)
IN THE NEWS * THE HOLIDAYS
The Christmas season is here. Neighborhoods adorned with millions of lights
send a message of great cheer and goodwill. Among power company
shareholders. (Alan Ray)
Here's a winter travel tip if you are traveling during the holidays: book
your flight later in the day - that way, you give the airport security
people a chance to warm up their hands on other people."(Jay Leno)
Doesn't Clay Aiken have a holiday special on? I only mention it because I
saw the worst holiday song special over the weekend. The Airport Screeners
Glee Club sang "Do You Feel What I Feel?" (Jay Leno)
This year the White House Christmas decorations feature a gingerbread White
House that is authentic down to the smallest detail; it even has dust on the
unopened dictionary in the Oval Office. ( Alex Kaseberg)
A holiday classic was on CBS: "Frosty The Snowman." We all know Frosty. He
has a snow-white face, the button eyes and a carrot nose ... wait, that's
Michael Jackson. (David Letterman)
How many of you are going Christmas tree shopping this weekend? Seems to be
the weekend. Picking out a Christmas tree is a lot like getting married to a
trophy wife in Beverly Hills. You bring her home, put a lot of fancy jewels
on her, then after a couple of weeks you kick her to the curb. "So long, see
you later." (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * PRESIDENT BUSH
The President and Laura Bush sent out a record two million Christmas cards
this year. President Clinton only sent half a million Christmas cards. To be
fair President Clinton did send out nearly five million valentines cards.
(Jay Leno)
The president and Laura Bush sent a record two million Christmas cards. One
for each resigning member of his cabinet. (Jay Leno)
President Bush visited with soldiers yesterday in an effort to f*ck up
morale. I'm sorry, that's buck up morale. ... [Video of President Bush:
"Today's war on terror will not end with a ceremony on the deck of a
battleship."] Mr. President, if you're asking me not to trust ceremonies on
the deck of battleships, I'm way ahead of you. (Jon Stewart)
President Bush signed the $388 billion budget approved by Congress into law
Wednesday. His staff was really asleep at the switch. Whose idea was it for
the president to approve this much pork the same day he issues his Hanukkah
greetings? (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush was in California today. He was addressing the troops at Camp
Pendelton. While there Bush took a moment to thank all the people in
California who voted for him. That is all it took; a moment (Jay Leno)
President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on
schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with
the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards. (Jay Leno)
President Bush visited Canada to thank the Canadians for helping stranded
U.S. airline passengers after the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. He went on
to say that it still did not make up for Celine Dion. (Kris Bernard)
IN THE NEWS * THE CLINTONS
The New York Post reported rumors Friday that Bill Clinton might be named
Mideast peace envoy. It's an extremely dangerous job. To train for the
mission he's going to referee the next NBA game between the Detroit Pistons
and the Indianapolis Pacers. (Argus Hamilton)
The Bill Clinton Presidential Library was reported Friday to be doing a slow
tourist and visitor business in Little Rock. There is no mistaking his place
in American history. Women consider him the father of the airport security
patdown. (Argus Hamilton)
Bill Clinton helped to launch a new Chinese Internet search engine company
Tuesday after it made a donation to his library. It's an example of
networking in Arkansas. The company is backed by the government of China, a
division of Wal-Mart. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * THE ADMINISTRATION
Tommy Thompson, the Secretary of Human Health and Human services has
resigned. And when he resigned he said, "I can't understand why terrorists
have not attacked our food supply because it's so easy to do." And today
Osama Bin Laden said, "Tommy thanks for the tip." (Jay Leno)
Tommy Thompson resigned as Secretary of HHS. He said he can't understand why
the terrorists haven't attacked our food supply. As many Americans as there
are keeling over from obesity, the terrorists don't see any reason to tamper
with success. (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush has now nominated Bernard Kerik to be the next Secretary of
Homeland Security. Kerik is a former prison warden. See Bush wanted him
around to make sure no one else in the cabinet tries to escape. (Jay Leno)
President Bush announced that the new head of Homeland security is Bernard
Kerik, the former New York City police commissioner. You can actually tell
he's a New Yorker because now the color coded warning system will go from
green, to yellow to orange to forget about it. (Conan O'Brien)
Don Rumsfeld was asked to stay at his post Monday, joining Dick Cheney as
the only survivors from the first term. It's hilarious. The only men
retained by the president who was elected for his moral values are the men
trained by Richard Nixon. (Argus Hamilton)
New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik was named to head Homeland
Security last week. It's safer to have a New Yorker running the watch. The
World Trade Center wasn't even struck by the Janitors Union when John Gotti
was in charge of protection. (Argus Hamilton)
The new commerce secretary is the former CEO of Kellogg's. After the
announcement, President Bush said that maybe he shouldn't make nominations
on an empty stomach. (Conan O'Brien)
Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson resigned from
President Bush's cabinet. In his resignation speech he said he can't
understand why terrorists haven't attacked our food supply because it is so
easy to do. He also said the rear kitchen door to the White House is always
left unlocked, the guard at the Statue of Liberty falls asleep at 3 am, oh
and Bush's likes to sleep with the window open. (Jay Leno)
President Bush says Ambassador Jim Nicholson is the perfect person to become
the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs. That's because after three years of
being the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican, Nicholson should have no trouble
dealing with lots of frustrated and angry men. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * THE DEMOCRATS
John Kerry joined a lawsuit Thursday seeking a recount in Ohio. He's getting
a high percentage of votes from previously uncounted provisional ballots.
He's gaining so much ground that Hillary Clinton's hair has begun falling
out in clumps. (Argus Hamilton)
Al Gore's former campaign manager Donna Brazile says that the Democratic
Party isn't dead it's just "gone fishing." But most Democrats think "gone
fishing" means making reservations at sushi bar. (Jake Novak)
New York's Village Voice is reporting that of the $86,000 the Democratic
National Committee paid to Al Sharpton to campaign for John Kerry, $35,000
of it went right into Sharpton's pocket. But Sharpton denies that and
insists it actually went right into his stomach (Jake Novak)
Howard Dean urged Democrats Wednesday to campaign on their convictions.
They've been copying Republicans. Democrats think they can win the Red
States by proposing a constitutional amendment that defines adultery as a
union between a man and a woman. (Argus Hamilton)
IN THE NEWS * CONGRESS
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist predicted that Congressional Republicans
will improve security by coming up with a big compromise on the intelligence
bill this week. Of course Congress is always the best place to go for a
compromise on intelligence. (Jake Novak)
Congress passed a reform bill Tuesday which creates the post of Intelligence
Czar. The question is who? The way the Drug Czar ended the drug trade and
the Energy Czar reduced gasoline prices, the Intelligence Czar could only be
Dan Quayle. (Argus Hamilton)
Senator John McCain thinks that congress may have to step in to control the
use of steroids in sports. The Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig agrees. Is
this congressą number one priority now? Baseball players. Did we win the
war? How about global warming. Have we fixed that already? (Jay Leno)
There is good news back home. Congress finally signed a bill approving a
bill completely reorganizing America's intelligence community. And all is
took was three years of nagging from grieving 9/11 widows. Cause you know,
it was a back burner thing for Congress. It ain't Freedom Fries, people.
(Jon Stewart)
Rather than take a chance of being embarrassed again, I'm going to start
buying colored handkerchiefs. (Senator Howell Heflin, after pulling a pair
of his wife's underwear out of his pocket)
Congressional leaders expressed hope that the just-passed intelligence
reform bill would provide accurate, up-to-date intelligence reports for the
president not to read. (Andy Borowitz)
Congress has signed an overhaul of the intelligence community. Itąs the
first time in history this has happened. The words łCongress˛ and
łintelligence˛ used in the same sentence. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * THE COURTS
The Supreme Court will decide the fate of medical marijuana. Proponents cite
the benefits of prescription pot. It makes hospital food taste a whole lot
better. (Cheez Mistress)
Alabama joined California in court efforts to legalize medical marijuana on
Sunday. It's like old times. When the government declared that California is
acting in defiance of United States law, Alabama filed a friend of the
defiant brief. (Argus Hamilton)
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the city of San Diego was right to fire
a policeman who sold sexually explicit videotapes of himself in uniform.
When are these defense lawyers going to learn that when you're defending
porn in front of Justice Thomas, don't tell him it's gay porn. He's cool
with all the other stuff! (Jake Novak)
The Supreme Court ruled this week that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot
protest in New York City wearing their hoods and must show their faces. Of
course, the Klan already demonstrated without their masks in New York this
summer... but that was when they were delegates to the Republican National
Convention. (Jake Novak)
The Canadian Supreme Court has ruled that the government can make same-sex
marriage legal. But it's not clear if the court made that decision because
it really supports gay rights or because it wants the Conservatives to
retake control of Parliament. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * THE ARMED FORCES
Rumsford: "Settle down! Enough questions! Now, why don't you people just be
quiet and support our troops? " "We are the troops, Sir!" (J. D. Crowe, The
Mobile Register)
Rumsfeld Questioned During a televised event in Kuwait yesterday, a National
Guard soldier asked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld some tough questions
about the lack of adequate vehicle armor. The soldier may not get more armor
for his unit, but he is now the front-runner to replace Dan Rather at CBS.
(Jake Novak)
Donald Rumsfeld held a question and answer session with soldiers on their
way to Iraq and one soldier asked why a lot of their vehicles still don't
have the proper armor and Rumsfeld said, "You go to war with the army you
have. Not the armor your wish for." And then he got into his armored car and
drove away. (Jay Leno)
Note to Donald Rumsfeld, you might want to cancel the next question and
answer session with the troops. Unlike our media, they ask real questions
apparently, (Jay Leno)
A U.S. military appeals court has overturned a conviction of a gay soldier
for sodomy. The ruling is seen as a victory for everyone; gays in the
military can breathe easier, and the Pentagon can continue having Iraqi
prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison gang-raped. (Jake Novak)
The FBI says prisoners have been abused by the military at Guantanamo Bay.
Evidence of torture is everywhere. Inside inmate cells, agents found copies
of Clay Aikenąs new CD. (Alan Ray)
IN THE NEWS * TERRORISM
After an attack at the American consulate, Saudi Arabia has renew their
fight against terrorism, and they're serious; this time they may actually
stop funding them. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * IRAQ
Iraq's interim president Ghazi Yawar warned Iran today against meddling in
Iraq's elections and trying to force a religious government on its own
people... oh wait, he actually sent that warning to the U.S. (Jake Novak)
In Saddam's palaces, marines found lots of pornography a.k.a "Weapons Of
Mass-turbation" (William Brabant)
IN THE NEWS * INTERNATIONAL
Princess Diana alleged on newly-found tapes played on NBC Monday that the
palace bumped off one of her favorite lovers. They included a palace guard
and a Royal Marine and a cavalry officer. Over the years only Bob Hope
entertained more troops than she did. (Argus Hamilton)
The Pentagon revealed Friday that China launched a nuclear submarine capable
of firing intercontinental ballistic missiles into the United States. In
case of attack, take cover inside a Wal-Mart. China would never bomb their
best customer. (Argus Hamilton)
Princess Diana accuses the palace of bumping off her favorite lover in
newly-surfaced tapes on NBC tonight. Her taste in men varied. Princess Diana
once went to a bar in Houston, and before she left she gave the mechanical
bull her phone number. (Argus Hamilton)
After being inaugurated as Afghanistan's first freely elected president
today, Hamid Karzai says the truly "hard task" lays ahead. Of course that
would be the task of trying not to become Afghanistan's first freely-elected
assassinated president. (Jake Novak)
Statistics show India was the world's top tea producer this year followed by
China. Actually, India and China have been the world's top two tea producers
for 100 years, but the Democrats are still blaming outsourcing. (Jake Novak)
The U.S. extradited a leading cocaine exporter from Colombia Sunday. The
bust ended tons of weekly cocaine transshipment. White House called the
arrest progress in the War on Drugs, a sideshow in the War on Terror, a
resounding victory in the Culture War on Hollywood, and an unfortunate
setback in the War on Obesity. (Argus Hamilton)
Iran has reportedly agreed in principle to halt its nuclear program. In
return, President Bush has promised to downgrade it from being part of the
"Axis of Evil" to the "Axis of Vaguely Sinister." (Rob Bates)
Afghan President Hamid Karzai urged tribal warlords in a speech Thursday to
give up the heroin trade. However, business is just too good. The warlords
were assembled in Kabul to bid for the catering contract for this year's
Grammy Awards. (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush entered the fray surrounding criticism of U.N. Chief Kofi
Annan today, saying that he was not as concerned about problems with the
oil-for-food program as he was with the U.N.'s inability to promote
international peace. Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Negroponte
agreed with President Bush. "Kofi Annan knew the inspections were working in
Iraq-- yet he utterly failed in his mission to stop the President from just
riding roughshod over him. It's time for him to go." (Tom Burka)
IN THE NEWS * THE POLLS
A new Newsweek poll found that 55% of Americans believe every word in the
Bible is literally true. The other 45% voted for John Kerry. (Jake Novak)
A new Newsweek poll found that 79% of Americans believe Jesus was born to
the Virgin Mary with no human father. The other 21% believe Mary's story is
proof that abstinence-based sex ed classes will never work.(Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * CRIME & THE LAW
As you know they started the penalty phase of the Scott Peterson trial.
Scott's lawyer, Mark Geragos, described Scott as a smiling happy athlete who
loved to play golf. Which is ironic that's exactly how they used to
describe O.J. (Jay Leno)
Scott Peterson's golf buddy testified on his behalf yesterday. They wanted
to have his fishing buddy testify but they couldn?t find him. (Jay Leno)
Robert Blake's murder trial could be delayed after someone stole his
attorney's computer containing what the defense calls "the heart and soul of
their case." But it's unclear how 500 games of video solitaire factored into
Robert Blake's defense. (Jake Novak)
Two men have been arrested for dumping dirt in a national forest in Colorado
The U.S. Forest Service confirmed that it was illegal to dump anything,
including dirt, on the federal land. (Gard Webster)
The Robert Blake trial is once again being delayed. I think God's going to
give him the death penalty before the jury can. (Jay Leno)
Did you hear about that woman in Tampa? The 24-year-old former reading
teacher Debra Lafave is on trial for having sex with a 14-year-old male
student. The boy is said to be illiterate but very happy. Can you imagine
that? Fourteen years old having sex with the teacher. When I was a
14-year-old student, I was afraid to raise my hand. (Jay Leno)
I'm sure you heard about this - on Friday, authorities in Santa Barbara
searched Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch looking for new DNA evidence on
Michael's bed. I don't want to say it looks bad for Michael, but from what
they gathered, they were able to clone three little boys. That is not good.
(Jay Leno)
It's been reported that Martha Stewart wants her company to reimburse her
for the $4 million she paid in legal fees. Apparently, Martha explained,
"the money's not just for me. I have a wife now." (Conan O'Brien)
Jenny Paulino, a 44 year-old Manhattan woman, was arrested Tuesday on
charges she ran a high-price prostitution service on the East Side. Paulino
says she's learned her lesson and from now on she will do only what police
and state prosecutors want... by running a low-priced prostitution service
on the East Side. (Jake Novak)
A jury found a New York City landlord guilty of using violence to force out
two brothers who were living in a 3-bedroom rent-controlled apartment for
$400 a month. The big question in this case is: how the Hell did they get 12
New Yorkers to sympathize with people living in an apartment for $400 a
month?!? (Jake Novak)
Dog in witness chair, Judge bored. Lawyer: "Let the record show that this
sweet puppy's tail wags uncontrollably at the mere mention of Scott
Peterson's name." (Larry Wright, The Detroit News)
IN THE NEWS * HEALTH & SCIENCE
The Labor Department says Detroit has the largest number of nightshift
workers, leading to a population filled with people with health and mental
problems. But it's not clear if those people are having problems because
they work overnight, or because they live in Detroit (Jake Novak)
A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now for allegedly
stealing a herpes virus from the university lab. Thatąs when you know youąre
a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus instead of going out and
catching it in the wild like everyone else. (Jay Leno)
Scientists are now saying that the heat generated by laptop computers can
potentially affect sperm quality and quantity in men... though not as much
as the internet porn most men look at on their lap top computers. (Jake
Novak)
Smoke arising from man in airport with laptop on his lap, Newspaper
headline: "Scientists link lap-tops to mail infertility." Woman sitting
nearby: "Excuse me, but I think your genes are on fire." (Mike Lester, Rome
News-Tribune)
Flu Shots Coming Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson
announced that 1.2 million additional flu shots are being shipped to
Washington D.C. this month. Usually you don't have that many pricks coming
to the nation's capital until they swear in the new members of Congress.
(Jake Novak)
According to "Men's Health" magazine, 71% of men feel their dog understands
them at some telepathic level. That's because men and dogs have the same
interests --- eat, sleep, play ball, and hump. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT
The Weather Channel reported Sunday that a huge Alaskan cold front swept
down the West Coast, sending California temperatures plunging. The Bay Area
was hit the hardest. It was so cold in San Francisco that Barry Bonds was
sticking to his story. (Argus Hamilton)
Welcome to beautiful sunny California. Man, it's been cold in L.A. I was on
the freeway today and I got cut off by a herd of caribou. (Jay Leno)
IN THE NEWS * SPORTS
Barry Bonds told the grand jury that he had "no idea" the substances his
trainer was giving him were steroids. So despite overwhelming evidence,
Bonds just trusted him... well at least the Republicans have a perfect
replacement for President Bush! (Jake Novak)
New York Yankee Jason Giambi was revealed Wednesday to have told a grand
jury he took steroids. The drug makes you bigger and stronger and
hyper-aggressive. It makes you wonder if President Bush swiped anything from
the locker room when he owned the Texas Rangers. (Argus Hamilton)
Major League Baseball players' union counsel Gene Orza maintained Sunday
that the current steroid crackdown is working. It's not that strict. The
first year you get counseling, the second year you get fined, and the third
year you get the MVP. (Argus Hamilton)
Sotheby's sold the bat Babe Ruth used to hit his first homer in Yankee
Stadium. He was a role model for today. Babe Ruth would have flunked every
test they gave him for banned substances when you remember he hit his home
runs during Prohibition. (Argus Hamilton)
San Diego's Petco Park has announced they are going to start selling organic
hot dogs. So now when you go to a baseball game, the hot dogs are clean
it's just the players that are packed with artificial fillers. (Jay Leno)
President Bush tossed the opening coin at the annual Army-Navy football
game. 'Heads' would go to Iraq, and 'Tails' to Afghanistan. (Jim Barach)
Brawl Indictments In response to last month's brawl, county prosecutors
charged 5 Indiana Pacers with 6 criminal offenses and 7 fans with 7 separate
offenses of their own. The indictment actually contains more offense than
we've seen from the Knicks all season. (Jake Novak)
The White House pressured Major League Baseball Wednesday to require steroid
testing for all players. This would force them to take regular urine tests.
Bud Selig did not know how right he was when he said this is the Golden Era
of Baseball. (Argus Hamilton)
The baseball players union agreed to confront the use of steroids to bulk up
players. One look at old videotape of baseball sluggers in the Seventies
makes clear the difference between now and then. Cocaine was nothing if not
slenderizing. (Argus Hamilton)
Bud Selig vowed Tuesday to achieve strict steroid testing in baseball. Don't
worry about the culprits. Five years from now Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi
and Sammy Sosa will be inducted into the Bill Clinton Presidential Library
for cheating. (Argus Hamilton)
Congress is threatening to regulate the steroid problem in baseball. The
players union protested, saying if they wanted an entity who knew nothing
about the game dictating the rules, they'd hire Bud Selig. (Alan Ray)
John McCain labeled steroids a health danger to players Monday. The sluggers
show the effects. If their voices had gotten any higher or their genitals
any smaller Gloria Allred would be on the Larry King Show defending them as
wronged women. (Argus Hamilton)
The New York Yankees considered releasing Jason Giambi on Tuesday for taking
steroids. The side effects are embarrassing. Last year he made twelve
million dollars playing baseball and a hundred fifty dollars winning wet
tee-shirt contests. (Argus Hamilton)
After Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle was arrested for soliciting a prostitute
over the weekend he paid $40 for oral sex the team terminated his
contract; a contract that had $19 million left on it. So, essentially, he
paid $19,000,040.00 for oral sex. I hope it was good. (Sports Pickle)
Angry viewers flooded Chicago's ABC station with complaints when the station
preempted the first half of "Monday Night Football" with continuous coverage
of this week's LaSalle Bank building fire. The callers had a point, if
people in Chicago wanted to see a disaster they would have been watching the
Bulls game. (Jake Novak)
Very muscular Santa Claus posing at mirror. One elf to another: "I don't buy
it either but he insists that as far as he knows, the stuff he's been taking
is flaxseed oil not steroids" (Jeff Parker, Florida Today)
IN THE NEWS * ENTERTAINMENT
Actress Julia Roberts today suggested renaming the Department of Homeland
Security "Aloysius." (Andy Borowitz)
Comedian Joe Piscopo says that he wants to change the way Italian-Americans
are negatively portrayed in movies and on TV...so, he's agreed never to act
in movies or on TV again (Jake Novak)
The movie "Alexander the Great" is not doing too well at the box office. In
fact, by the weekend it may be downgraded to "Alexander the Video. (Jay
Leno)
The first English-speaking Muslim lifestyle cable channel debuted today.
Good timing. It's called bridges TV. Their top rated program is a reality
show about life in Baghdad, called, "Same Shiite, Different Day". (Jay Leno)
A Las Vegas casino has announced a deal with Barry Manilow. Manilow will get
$60 million. Now when in Vegas not only can you shoot crap, you can now
listen to it. (Conan O'Brien)
Powerball winner Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was arrested driving drunk
Monday. The former deacon tours strip bars since he won three hundred
million. Democrats can take heart in the fact that moral values are no match
for human nature. (Argus Hamilton)
A holiday classic was on CBS tonight, "Frosty The Snowman". We all know
Frosty. He has snow white face, the button eyes and a carrot nose. Wait,
that's Michael Jackson. (David Letterman)
New York City salespeople can be sort of snooty during the holidays. I went
into F.A.O. Schwartz and asked a salesman for something that would appeal to
a one year old and he said, "How about your show?" (Dave Letterman)
NBC said that after she gets out prison, Martha Stewart will star in a new
show where she will interact with guests in the studio audience. Experts say
the show may not do so well because women who liked to get verbally abused
while they learn new recipes usually just go to visit their Mothers-in-Law.
(Jake Novak)
Donald Trump negotiated a free wedding ring for his January wedding in
return for a plug for the jeweler on his show. He's a lucky guy. Donald
Trump wound up with a girl who married him for his money and his fame and
not for who he really is. (Argus Hamilton)
Donald Trump is getting a million dollar, 13 carat engage- ment ring for his
fiancé free of charge in return for showing the ring on "The Apprentice."
He's got all the angles covered. They're not going to have a wedding, he's
just going to bring her in the boardroom and say, 'You're married.' (Jay
Leno)
They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75. They've also put
up a new sign that says "Your wallet must be this big to get in." (Jay Leno)
Michael Jackson defends sleeping with children. Around kids, heąs known to
be a saint. Well, maybe a priest. (Alan Ray)
John Travolta has reportedly bought an $11 million zeppelin for Christmas
from the Neiman-Marcus catalogue. Of course Travolta should feel comfortable
in his own blimp because it can't possibly crash and burn as often as his
career. (Jake Novak)
Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label... Democrats are
demanding a recount. (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * BUSINESS
IBM may stop making PC's in order to focus on its consulting and tech
support business. But experts say this isn't a smart move since 99% of the
company's consulting and tech support business comes from the fact that
nobody can figure out how to use IBM PC's. (Jake Novak)
IBM Sale IBM is selling its PC manufacturing business to a Chinese computer
company. At least now all the executives and factory employees will be able
to speak to each other without an interpreter. (Jake Novak)
Walt Disney World is opening a new attraction where kids can learn about the
business world. The top ride is "The Eisner," where you rush to keep more
talented employees than you from ever running the company. (Jake Novak)
WalMart is expanding into China. Store execs were shocked at first with the
minimum wage rules and anti-women policies of the government. They seem much
too lenient. (Alan Ray)
Retailers are noticing a drop-off in sales since a strong post-Thanksgiving
weekend. Experts say consumers will return to the mall just as soon as they
save up enough money to fill their cars with gas. (Jake Novak)
A new report predicts that outsourcing white-collar jobs to countries like
India and China will ultimately lower inflation and create new jobs. In
other words, your pay will stay low and you'll have to take a second job at
McDonald's. (Jacob Novak)
The Gallup Poll said Monday that Americans most admire pharmacists and least
admire car salesmen. It pretty much sums up our culture. In America nothing
is so overrated as a good set of wheels and nothing is so underrated as
access to drugs. (Argus Hamilton)
Colgate-Palmolive will slash 4,400 jobs. The termination notices were tacky.
"Toothpaste now come in three styles. Travel size, family size, and your new
area, down size." (Alan Ray)
AT&T has won a $1 billion contract to provide super-high speed
communications to the Treasury Department. The new system is expected to
help President Bush inform the next few Treasury Secretaries the exact
moment when they're fired. (Jake Novak)
The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise
machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used
a Bowflex. (Jay Leno)
Retailer Toys ŚRą Us reported lower-than-expected numbers for the holiday
season thus far, blaming disappointing sales of łBlow It Out Your Ass Elmo.˛
(Andy Borowitz)
IN THE NEWS * RELIGION
10 pre-teens slept in cardboard boxes outside a Berkshries Church last night
to see what it's like to be homeless. The kids all learned two very
important lessons: 1) It's really tough to be homeless. 2) Sleeping
overnight outside in a box is still better than sleeping overnight inside
Michael Jackson's house. (Jake Novak)
Orthodox Jews in New York have become concerned that the city's drinking
water may not be kosher because it contains tiny crustaceans known as
copepods. The organisms, which measure about a millimeter long, pose no
threat to human health, but Orthodox teaching bars the eating of crustaceans
-Ń aquatic animals with skeletons outside their bodies, including shrimp and
lobsters. The city's water department is looking into the matter and has
decided to drop its "Free seafood in every sip!" ad campaign. (James Floyd)
IN THE NEWS * EDUCATION
Denver public schools have a new idea. They are offering a course for
teenagers in losing weight. Didn't we have this for years? Wasn't it called
'gym class'? Here's a new idea... Maybe they can run around. (Jay Leno)
The University of Oklahoma banned alcohol Wednesday at all fraternity houses
and dormitories. It threatens the school's number-one ranking. No beer on
campus could put Oklahoma at risk of losing its status as a certified Betty
Ford pre-school. (Argus Hamilton)
A new study says a Florida policy that holds back third graders who can't
read significantly benefits the kids forced to repeat the same grade. Not
because they learned more, but because they were able to beat up all the
younger kids in their class. (Jake Novak)
The Pennsylvania attorney general's office is suing the online Trinity
Southern University for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees --
including an MBA awarded to a cat. But in their defense, the school
correctly points out that the cat is already showing more business sense
than the contestants on "The Apprentice." (Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * CULTURE
I read in the paper today about a restaurant opened in Philadelphia that
serves nothing but cereals. An all cereal restaurant! There's a way to
impress a date. "I'll have the Count Chocula, the lady will have the
Frankenberry." (Jay Leno)
In the wake of their clear losses in in the November elections, leaders of
the gay rights movement are thinking about scaling back their goals. But
most rank-and-file members still want to try to date Matt Damon.(Jake Novak)
The January issue of W magazine will feature elephants wearing clothes made
by some of today's top designers... but enough about Kirstie alley and Liza
Minnelli.(Jake Novak)
IN THE NEWS * HISTORY
A new discovery indicates that the Chinese had been drinking alcohol as
early as 9000 years ago. The news has the entire nation of Ireland drinking
even more heavily to catch up. (Jake Novak)
Remnants of 9,000 year old vino have been found in China. The ancient drink
was buried along side emperors. It is believed to be the first example of
box wine. (Alan Ray)
Under a deal announced by New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, the History Channel
will help improve the city's image by fixing up historical landmarks. But
the History Channel pulled out of the deal when it found out the city has no
statues of Hitler.(Jake Novak)