Barmitzvah jokes
Simon Masters
Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
Many thanx in advance,
--
Simon Masters
Fred Kasner
and welcome to this afternoon's technical seminar.'"
FK
Fred Kasner
that's what my accountant said I should use as a greeting to you."
Fred Kasner
Fred Kasner
J. Hill
"Jay would like to thank you for your presence - ending with ce, not
presents ending with TS"
Jay Hill <999...@worldnet.att.net>
Simon Masters wrote in message ...
Michael Lee Spivak
first three, of course, being 13 years, nine months ago, the second being
thirteen years ago, and the third being thirteen years less 8 days ago.
Let me know if you use it!
Mike
----------
In article <xvimhAAm...@chictochic.demon.co.uk>, Simon Masters
bac...@vms.huji.ac.il
> Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's
> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
The Cohen's want to impress all their friends so for their son's Bar Mitzvah
they charter a Boeing 747 and fly all the guests to a safari in Kenya. At
first they're placed on jeeps; then when the brush gets thick, are placed
on elephants. When the brush gets even thicker, they all start walking
single file. Suddenly the guide stops and Cohen asks why. The guide replies,
"We have to wait until the Bar Mitzvah party ahead of us leaves the clearing".
Josh
Joe Levy
Simon Masters wrote:
>
> Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's
> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
>
> Many thanx in advance,
> --
> Simon Masters
I am reminded of the old Sam Levenson story about the Bar Mitzvah boy.
As he prepares himself for Bar Mitzvah, he is constantly hounded by his
parents, reminding him, "You'll get presents, you'll get presents." He
is so spooked that, when he finally finishes his Torah portion, and
faces the audience to deliver the obligatory speech, he announces,
"Today I am a fountain pen!"
Well it was quite funny around the time of my Bar Mitzvah (1951), but
might fall a bit flat with a modern audience.
Dr.Matt
Right, in my time it would have been "Today I am a calculator", but I'm
afraid nowadays it's "Today I am a cell-phone".
--
Matt Fields, DMA http://listen.to/mattaj TwelveToneToyBox http://start.at/tttb
"If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread,
they can sure make something out of you."
- Muhammad Ali | Spammers go to: http://e-scrub.com/cgi-bin/wpoison/wpoison.cgi
Marvin Margoshes
>Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
>
>Many thanx in advance,
>--
>Simon Masters
>
was being done too often, so the father of the boy arranged to rent the
shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a
lot of attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went. The
first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters asked, "How
was the service?" Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
Kempenich
Three rabbis are discussing a problem common to all of their synagogues:
mice infestation.
Rabbi Moishe: Oy, I have a terrible problem with mice. I tried mousetraps. I
kill some of the mice, but there are so many that I can't deal with them
all.
Rabbi Isaac: Oy, I have the exact same problem. I hired an exterminator. He
killed many, many mice. But they always come back!
Rabbi Shlomo: Yes, I had the same problem. But I found a solution: I put a
big piece of cheese on the bimah. When all the mice were around the cheese,
I bar-mitzvahed them all. After that they left the shul and never came back.
Ztlog
done like a Dr. Suess rhyme. I know this is last minute but if you need
something I promise it's funny and very good.
meirm...@erols.com
fie...@zip.eecs.umich.edu (Dr.Matt) posted:
>In article <36C9D38B...@mitre.org>, Joe Levy <lev...@mitre.org> wrote:
>>
>>
>>Simon Masters wrote:
>>>
>>> Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's
>>> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
>>>
>>> Many thanx in advance,
>>> --
>>> Simon Masters
>> I am reminded of the old Sam Levenson story about the Bar Mitzvah boy.
>>As he prepares himself for Bar Mitzvah, he is constantly hounded by his
>>parents, reminding him, "You'll get presents, you'll get presents." He
>>is so spooked that, when he finally finishes his Torah portion, and
>>faces the audience to deliver the obligatory speech, he announces,
>>"Today I am a fountain pen!"
>> Well it was quite funny around the time of my Bar Mitzvah (1951), but
>>might fall a bit flat with a modern audience.
>Right, in my time it would have been "Today I am a calculator", but I'm
>afraid nowadays it's "Today I am a cell-phone".
A boy in the 50's might would get several fountain pens. It was a
popular gift in the right price range and it got to be a joke.
My cousin got 3 or 4 cheap record players and I got 3 or so folding
pocket size binoculars. Depends on the year.
>--
>Matt Fields, DMA http://listen.to/mattaj TwelveToneToyBox http://start.at/tttb
> "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread,
> they can sure make something out of you."
>- Muhammad Ali | Spammers go to: http://e-scrub.com/cgi-bin/wpoison/wpoison.cgi
e-mail by removing QQQ
I don't read all posts so email me
if you want me to see your reply.
Geoffrey Shisler
Mr Cohen wanted something outstandingly memorable for his son's Bar
Mitzvah. He went to all the best venues, and all the most expensive
caterers and eventually settled on the plushest dining suite and the
most outrageously expensive cater there was. The caterer promised him a
great surprise on the night, one that people would talk about for years
to come.
On the night of the function, everyone sat down at the table to eat, the
lights dimmed, and to a tremendous fanfare from the symphony orchestra,
spotlights shone on the centre of the ceiling. And slowly the most
lifelike model of the Bar Mitzvah boy descended.
But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped
liver.
To gasps of delight the MC announced that this effigy had been sculpted
by none other than the great Henry Moore himself.
At the end of the evening, after everyone had gone home, Mr Cohen met
with the caterer to settle the bill.
'That was a great meal you made,' he said, 'but there's only one thing
that really upset me. As you know we're Jews and I reckon that
practically everyone here was a Jew. Did you really have to get that
Gentile Henry Moore to make the model? Couldn't you have asked Epstein?
'Well, to tell you the truth, 'the caterer replied, 'I tried Epstein,
but he only works in egg and onion.'
Rabbi Geoffrey L. Shisler
Bournemouth (Orthodox) Hebrew Congregation RavG...@TheOffice.net
England UK
Stephen Lazer
meirm...@erols.com
<si...@chictochic.demon.co.uk> posted:
>Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's
>Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
>Many thanx in advance,
>--
>Simon Masters
Today I am a fountain pen.
I think that one has lost its punch.
Simon Masters
England and have lived in Wales for the past 11 years, the joke I
finally included in my speech reads as below:
In the beginning G-d turned to Adam and said "I am going to create a
beautiful part of the earth and I will call it Wales. I will make it
beautiful and green, and underneath the land, I shall lay rich seams of
coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast I will make beautiful
beaches and in the waters there will be an abundance of sea life. The
people who live there will be called The Welsh and will be the
friendliest people around."
"Excuse me," said Adam to G-d, "Don't you think you are being a bit too
generous to these Welsh?"
"Don't talk rubbish" replied G-d, "Wait till you see the bloody
neighbours I'm giving them!!!"
Once again many thanks. I enjoy reading all the postings from around the
world.
Simon :)
elymar...@gmail.com
davidrich...@gmail.com
davidrich...@gmail.com
donnaands...@googlemail.com
igor....@gmail.com
> I don't have any jokes but I do have a great speech I wrote for my sons. It's
> done like a Dr. Suess rhyme. I know this is last minute but if you need
> something I promise it's funny and very good.
>
> zt...@aol.com
eko...@wbais.net
> Does anyone have any Barmitzvah jokes that I could use at my son's
> Barmitzvah this Saturday (20th Feb)?
>
> Many thanx in advance,
> --
> Simon Masters
sholom...@gmail.com
Thank you