Who Were The Maccabees?
Leon
> Who were the Maccabees?
>
> A Litvish Haredi father explains:
>
> -Abba, how did we beat the Greeks?
> -With the help of G-d.
>
> -So what were the Maccabees for?
> -They were only soldiers. G-d helped them, thank G-d, and blessed be
> G-d, they won.
>
> -The Maccabees were soldiers?
> -Uh... soldiers of G-d. Armies of G-d.
>
> -So the Maccabees were Lubavitchers?
> -No! No! G-d forbid! They were Litvaks.
>
> -Did Judah Maccabee carry a weapon?
> -Yes.
>
> -So was Judah Maccabee secular or a non-Jew?
> -G-d forbid! What is this secular or non-Jew stuff?
>
> -But only secularists and non-Jews go to the army.
> -Religious Jews used to also go to the army.
>
> -Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don't?
> -Because today, the Torah protects us.
>
> -And the Torah didn't protect them then?
> -Maybe go read some Mishnah with Moishey?
>
> -Did the Maccabees learn Mishnah?
> -They learned Torah. Lots of Torah.
>
> -And they didn't work?
> -G-d forbid.
>
> -So Antiochus gave them money.
> -No. They worked and made money here and there.
>
> -Off the books, like Uncle Yanky?
> -Yanky doesn't work off the books!
>
> -So what did Matitiyahu do for a living?
> -He was a farmer.
>
> -Matitiyahu was a Thai?
> -G-d have mercy! What's this Thai business?
>
> -So how did he work in the fields with a white shirt?
> -Where did you get that he wore a white shirt?
>
> -Moishey told me that a real Jew wears a white shirt.
> -You get mixed up too much with this Moishey. But he's right.
>
> -What did the Maccabees want?
> -They wanted an independent Jewish state that they would run.
>
> -Is that what we want, too?
> -Yes, but we can't tell anyone. We aren't Zionists.
>
> -Abba, I want to be a Maccabee, a Zionist, a soldier!
> -Gevalt! What happened to you?
>
> -Just kidding, Abba. I'm going to see a Schwacky show with Moishe.
> -Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishey's family.
>
> A secular father explains:
>
> -Abba, why did the Maccabees fight against the Greeks?
> -Not now.
>
> -Why not now?
> -I'm watching basketball now.
>
> -Come on, Abba!
> -Uh... what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.
>
> -Abba, in the encyclopedia, it says that it was because the Maccabees
> didn't want to eat pork.
> -Could be.
>
> -And for that, there was such a war?!
> -Look, pork is full of cholesterol; maybe the Maccabees were into
> health and all that.
>
> -And because of that there was a war?
> -These Maccabee health nuts can be really extreme.
>
> -Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?
> -Because the religious Jews make an issue out of everything.
>
> -Were the Maccabees religious?
> -Are you kidding? Religious Jews don't go to the army.
>
> -So how did they beat all the Greeks?
> -G-d helped them.
>
> -But you said there is no G-d.
> -True, there isn't.
>
> -So is there or isn't there?
> -There isn't. But they thought there was.
>
> -Abba, I don't understand.
> -What don't you understand?
>
> -If there's a G-d.
> -So ask Ima.
>
> -Whenever you don't know something, you send me to Ima.
> -I know important things. Whether there's a G-d isn't important.
>
> -It says that Judah Maccabee beat the Greeks at Beit Horon.
> -If it says it, it says it.
>
> -Where is Beit Horon?
> -Far away. It's not in Israel; it's in America.
>
> -Abba, Columbus only discovered America in 1492.
> -You know you're a pain? It's in the West Bank.
>
> -What? Abba, were the Maccabees settlers?
> -I knew it. Maybe go play with Sean?
>
> -Abba, next time we're at Tiv Taam, are they going to force me to eat
> pork, too?
> -If you continue with these questions, there'll be no Festigal this
> year!
>
> -But Abba, I'm afraid. I only have one sister.
> -So what?
>
> -The Maccabees were five brothers, and they all fought together.
> -Maybe go watch Dora?
>
> -I want to watch Maccabee.
> -Good, watch Maccabee.
>
> -Abba, where are the Maccabees?
> -Here in yellow. [note: Maccabee is the name of a sports team]
>
> -Those are Maccabees?
> -Yes.
>
> -What are their names?
> -Fizer, Bynum, Batista, Blumenthal and Cummings.
>
> -Abba, you're being annoying. Those aren't the Maccabees' names.
> -Where are you going?
>
> -To fight the Greeks!
> -You aren't going anywhere!
>
> -I want to be a Maccabee, religious, a settler!
> -Are you crazy?? You aren't leaving this house, do you hear!!
>
> -Just kidding, Abba, relax. I'm going with Sean to McDonalds.
> -Ah. Good. Pick me up a cheeseburger.
>
>
Polly the Parrot
>Does this sound familiar?
Very good!