Puns of the Weak 12/20/02
Stan Kegel
IN THE NEWS:\
For cook-out, the bold old Saddam
Prepared a large Iraq of lamb
But boneless ewes juice less
When heated, produce less
Meat. He's mistreating Islam (Gary Hallock)
"What is causing this traffic congestion? According to a report from the
U.S. Department of Transportation, which recently completed a six-year,
$187.3 million study of the problem, the root cause is, quote, 'a whole
lot of people driving.'" (Dave Barry)
The Pentagon deployed twenty ABM missiles in Alaska Monday for defense.
Yet three tests of the system have failed. Apparently the missiles
belong to the government worker's union because you can't fire them and
you can't make them work. (Argus Hamilton)
A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is
rising rapidly. Those Canadians--always trying to copy us. But the good
news for Canadians: 280 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds American.
(Jay Leno)
Among all the other things evil things the Iraqis have been caught
doing, it seems their most recent document reveals that they've
converted some of their chemical weapons facilities into denim mills,
presumably to manufacture cheap knock-offs of the popular American
brands of blue jeans. Yes, it's true, they are in material breeches.
This is a clear violation of our peace o'corduroy. (Gary Hallock)
HOLIDAY PUNS
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" "What
denomination?" the clerk asks. " O my God! Has it come to this?" says
the blonde. "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist." (Les
Pourciau)
There is a provision in the lease between a regional shopping center
owner and its major department store tenant calling for the former to
provide a Santa Claus every year to ride on the store's escalators. This
provision could be referred to as an 'escalator clause.' (Syman Hirsch)
One way of getting rid of all that matted fabric I have lying around, is
to make my presents felt. (David Reihmer)
My friend's kid is so adept at kicking people that he can deliver truly
painful blows with just the first digit of his foot. We call it his
missile toe. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Last week my wife came home from the grocery store with a tube of
bake-'em-yourself Pillsbury's Red Nosed Reindeer cookies. It didn't cost
much, only a couple of bucks. When the cookies came out of the oven and
she set them on the rack to cool, I saw they were a little overcooked
antler kind of hart. I said, Oh deer! Even though it was very Rudolph me
to herd her feelings this way, I suddenly realized that I'd missed
making one of the most obvious puns. - D'oh! (Gary Hallock)
A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long standing. (Henny Youngman)
Here it is December again; stores trim their windows as they do their
customers. (Syman Hirsch)
What do they use to clean their toilets at the North Pole?
Santa-Flush. (Corny Puns)
My local theater group was in trouble when the lead actor, Christopher,
couldn't make the premier performance of "The Hound of the
Baskervilles". So as his understudy, I told the young lady director,
"I'll be Holmes for Chris, miss." (Robert Hampson)
Christmas is the season when all good men and true have the presence of
mind and presents in mind. (Anom.)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
Sir Lancelot borrowed from Silas a garment that Lance wanted to see
Guenevere wear that night. But Lancelot became enraged when he
discovered the garment was torn, which led to a big feud. The cause of
the uproar was characterized in a five-word headline in the local paper.
How did it read?
Si lent knight holey nightie. (Cynthia MacGregor)
What is the term for a train ticket for a sleeping compartment?
A Berth Certificate (Stan Kegel)
Marital bliss is amiss in the treehouse. Tarzan has begun to realize
how marriage really affects his mobility. In fact, just the other day
he referred to his mate as this...
"The Ol' Ball and Jane" (Tiff Wimberly)
Why doesn't Diana Ross allow her beau to come calling until the first
Monday in October?
That's when the Supreme court(ing) session begins (Gary Hallock)
After working continuously for many days and nights on a particularly
troublesome problem for the king, the pioneer mathematician Archemedes
became a hero to his king when he finally worked out the laws of fluid
displacement while sitting in his bathtub. Why was he bathing?
You reek-a (Gary Hallock)
What did the Martian say to the liquor store owner?
"Take me to your Liter's!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
How do frogs spread rumors?
By wart of mouth. (Gary Hallock)
During the Depression, what musical instruments were used by the
Salvation Army to call the listless needy to their soup kitchens?
Dole drums (Lars Hanson)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What do you call an eye doctor that lives on an island in the Bering Sea?
An optical Aleutian (Daily Groaner)
What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan came in and
asked for a lemon lime drink?
He gave the Devil his Dew. (Daily Groaner)
What happens when you fall in love with an artist?
He gives you the brush. (Gigglylady)
Explain the difference between a man going upstairs and a man looking upstairs."
One man is stepping up the stairs, the other is staring up the steps.
(LAB Laffs)
Why is it dangerous for a farmer to plant peas during a war?
Because the enemy might come around and shell them (Bob Phillips)
JEST FOR KIDS
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him ! (Kid’s Jokes)
What kind of a beach would you find Santa surfing?
One with a Yule tide (Stan Kegel)
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
Who is the patron saint of actors?
Saint Applause. (JerLynn F.)
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said," No L!" (Gail S. Angel)
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth! (Archives)
What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?
Sandy Claws (Renee, 11)
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him. (Gail S. Angel)
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle (Maurizio Mariotti)
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph (Maurizio Mariotti)
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering
presents ?
Santa pause !
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve. (Daily Groaner)
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite ! (Kids Jokes)
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it ! (Kids Jokes)
What did one penny say to the other penny?
We make perfect cents! (Liz, 6)
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14 carrot ring! (Chalis, 11)
Why does a reporter always carry a ruler with him?
Because he wants to get the story straight. (Stan Kegel)
Why is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
Because he is a stage coach. (Jaclyn, 15)
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction ! (Kid’s Jokes)
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt?
Hopscotch. (Archives)
What happened when the couple tried to kiss in the thick fog?
Oops, they mist! (Mini Jokes)
What kind of horse do you ride at night?
A nightmare! (Michelle, 12)
What did one eye say to the other?
There's something between us that smells. (Harold Clark)
What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?
A carpet. (Stan Kegel)
What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an orange?
" Look what Marma-Lade!” (Jokes Galore)
On his first day on the job as a butcher, Frank backed into the meat
grinder and, before he knew it, he had gotten a little behind in his
orders. (Jeff Ottney)
What is the most dangerous part of a car?
The nut that holds the steering wheel. (Daily Groaner)
What did the jack say to the car?
I know you're in a hurry so don't let me hold you up too long. (Daily Groaner)
Why are men going bald at an older age these days?
Because they're wearing their hair longer. (Stephen, 10)
Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turnover (Bob Phillips)
When is a baby good at basketball?
When it dribbles! (Ashleigh 9)
What did the whisk get arrested for?
Beating the eggs (Sam, 8)
Why did the Invisible Man’s girlfriend understand him so well?
Because she could see right through him (Miguel, 9)
What did the potato say after he was attacked by the headhunters?
"i've been scalloped!" (Daily Groaner)
What kind of pet did Aladdin have ?
A flying car-pet ! (Kids Jokes)
What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'?
You can 't 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'! (Peter Bergt)
Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?
Because he rode the range. (Anne, 9)
What did the wig say to the head?
"I've got you covered." (Trent, 6)
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time. (Lisa 9)
Is this water healthy for swimming?
Absolutely! It's well water. (Harold Clark)
What do you call a song about a car?
A cartoon (LAB Riddles)
"As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, 'All You Can
Drink For A Dime.' So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink
a glass, and then say, 'Refill it.' "I'd say, 'That'll be another dime.'
"How come? Your sign says--" "Well, you had a glass, didn't you? That's
all you can drink for a dime." (Clean Laffs)
DAILIES:
Two weather forecasters fell down the stairs and each broke an arm and
a leg; they phoned from the hospital about the four casts. (Pun of the Day)
Pennies from heaven are a blessing in de skies. (Pun of the Day)
Whenever I go near my bank I get withdrawal symptoms? (Pun of the Day)
A mathematics professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating
(Pun of the Day)
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was
Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished
I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another
bite'. If you told me that donuts were made in Greece I wouldn't
Bolivia. (Pun of the Day)
When the fortune teller went shopping, the saleslady said she was a
medium. (Jumble)
On the road, the Paris musicians listened to French horns. (Jumble)
Roll down this hill—if you are so inclined. (The Big Pun)
Tennis players rarely get married because LOVE means NOTHING to them.
(Pun of the Day)
Sometimes people argue about the weather. But it blows over. (Pun of the Day)
When the customer complained, the hairdresser blew her top. (Jumble)
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. (Pun of the Day)
A music store was robbed, and the thief made away with the lute. (Pun of
the Day)
The museum of executions seemed to favor crucifixions, but, then again,
I was only able to view a small cross section of the exhibits. (The Big Pun)
Every oven in the restaurant was broken. The patrons got a raw deal.
(Pun of the Day)
Inside a hot dog factory you never sausage a sight before. (Pun of the Day)
Some people wonder whether puns are for children or groan-ups (Pun of
the Day)
The director considered the lighting expert’s suggestion illuminating. (Jumble)
Rearranging our schedule can bias time. (Pun of the Day)
Fortune tellers have to work on their prophetability? (Pun of the Day)
When two single people who have been given power of attorney over
several prominent citizens—but cannot currently remember their gambling
losses for the 2001 fiscal year—meet, they have no choice but to proxy
mate. (The Big Pun)
How can you tell a milkmaid?
She's the one with the prominent dairy air. (Very Punny)
Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. (Very Punny)
COMICS
“So you quit your job as a trapeze artist when you lost your partner?”
“That’s right. I didn’t want to work without Annette.” (Frank & Ernest:
Bob Thaves)
“Our next guest developed software that determines the age of
artifacts.” “Ah, a computer dating service!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob
Thaves)
ONE-LINERS:
My wife emailed me about her holiday plans: “I hope to be back for yoga
on Monday night, but that may be a stretch.” (Harry Farkas)
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there. (Simon
Champion)
When I heard the story about the dog that ran two miles just to pick up
a stick, I thought it was a little far-fetched. (Syman Hirsch)
She thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
(Marsha Coleman)
In 1621 a pilgrim band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth
Rock. (Daryl Stout)
The student who said his bible had been run over by a steamroller was
stretching the truth. (Simon Champion)
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. (Kevin Raynek)
The nice thing about being an unemployed proctologist is that you can
always find another opening. (Kevin Freels)
The local barber, who was giving away wigs was arrested for tress
passing. (Guy Ritchie)
Cross Jimmy Durante with an employment agency and you get a nose job.
(David Frost)
In 1910 A Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha
Pest.(Daryl Stout)
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade! (Kevin Raynek)
Ghost stories are extremely popular and are often told to children
because they're heir raising tales. (Gunjan Saraf)
I was walking along a beach in Greece with a young woman when we came
upon a the body of a sting ray washed up on shore. "OOOh" she exclaimed,
"Is it dead?" "Yes," I assured her, "It's an ex-ray!" (Ed Kotler)
When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is
reversing himself? (Marina)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Pastor Tim)
First Roman: ( at Christian massacre ) We've got a capacity crowd, but
still we're losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty heavy.
Second Roman: Yes, sir, these lions sure do eat the prophets. (Carol's Humor)
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. (Jerry Ulett)
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck (Kevin Raynek).
It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing.. (Irene A. Mystery)
My mother told me not to yell through the screen door.... she did not
want me to strain my voice. (Marina)
A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing but
dried grass. It was never going to work; I think he was clutching at
straws. (Simon Champion)
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant. (Silly Stuff)
When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham
Lincoln, I went down in history. (Irene A. Mystery)
Did you hear that she thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth
control. (Marsha Coleman)
"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking!?" "Nope, I wooden kid you!" (Simon Champion)
Quack doctors are for curing lame ducks. (Art Linkletter)
The Janitor's Union called for sweeping reforms. (Daryl Stout)
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under (Jerry Ulett)
If you visit the Pentagon in Washington D.C. for two days in a row is
that called repenting? (Marina)
Sir Factant is deter gent knight. (Johann von Haupkopf)
I was driving by a pet shop when I noticed a sign saying, 'All birds
going cheap.' (Cathleen Shoemaker)
It seems like back in biblical times a lot of people sat on their asses
and rode everywhere, not much different than nowadays. (Jill’s Jokeline)
GROANERS:
In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the
glamorous movie queen, "I understand you were courted by many European
noblemen during your four weeks abroad." "That's right, honey," she
replied, hiking her skirt still higher and smiling into the flashing
cameras. "I managed to make every second count." (Playboy)
Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown
and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over
again throughout the evening. Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment
he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You
called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it
again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here
alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?" (Playboy)
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready
to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off the neighbor's wife." (Gail S. Angel)
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the
doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the
nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor
liked to call the shots around here. (Daily Groaner)
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name
for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football
wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says,
"She's waiting for him to kick off!" (Adult Jokes 4U)
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do
in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp
too." (Clean laughs)
A young lady applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother
asked how the interview went. She said, "Pretty good, but if I get the
job, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married." Her mother had never
heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"The young
lady replied, "No, they didn't tell me that, but on the application it
said that vacation time is not available until after your first anniversary."
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had
completed his' tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to
come back after your wedding." "Why can't I have them now?" the girl
asked. "Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't believe in
specs before marriage." (Richard Guttman)
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have
his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But
last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his
left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic
surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length
now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I
told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said,
... "I stand corrected."
Early this morning Dillon, my sleepy three year old grandson came out of
the bedroom carrying his blanket. I was sitting on the sofa reading the
morning newspaper. Dillon crawled up snuggling very close to me. He
pulled his blanket over his head covering his whole body. Willy, my Shi
Su dog quickly climbed on top of Dillon, making himself very
comfortable. Dillon let out a yell, "Grandma! I can't get up!" I
replied, "Doggone you, Dillon." (Sonya Schali)
Two piles of vomit, one nice and neatly tucked into the corner, another
sprayed across the bar and floor with wild abandon. The well-splattered
one turns to the other and asks mournfully, "How come you're so neat and
tidy, while I'm such a mess?" The tidy one in the corner replies, "It
was the way I was brought up." (Dot’s Comedy)
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening
and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened
this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like
it." "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the
canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you
do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
(Very Punny)
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other
detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But
it sure made a hole in Juan. (Laff A Day)
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess
with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them. (Clean Laffs)
Consider the young blond woman and her boyfriend who are cleaning out
the trunk of her car. The man notices a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Curious, he opens it and finds a stick of dynamite inside. "What's
that for?" he asks. "It's part of my emergency repair kit." "I can see
that," he says, "but why dynamite?" "Well, the instruction book says
that in case I have a flat I need to blow up one of my tires." (LOL)
Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that
he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in
Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even
the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.
Then one day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita
named Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her
picture. You see, Miguel has known from his early childhood that when
you see Esta, you sleep. (Kathleen Shoemaker)
An American and a German have a small-talk about renowned people. "In
America," the American says to his German fellow,"we have Bob Hope,
Stevie Wonder and Johnny Cash." The German chuckled, "In Germany we have
Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder - no hope, no wonder, no cash." (Curly David)
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in
the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would
you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes later,
Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's
fine, except that now shes angry with you." "At me?" the woman exlaimed.
"Whatever for?" She said "It's none of your business how old she is." (Archives)
DEFINITIONS:
X-Mas: North Pole: Political survey spearheaded by chief figure in
Iran-Contra scandal (Cynthia MacGregor)
X-Mas: Sleigh Ride: Drive by shooting in South Central L.A. (Ken Pinkham)
X-Mas: Shopping Maul: Vicious competition for bargains at the department
store. (Gary Hallock)
X-Mas: Nutcracker Suite: Another name for a Chinese almond cookie (Stan Kegel)
X-Mas: Blitzen: Jewish crepes (Cynthia MacGregor)
X-Mas: Christmas Carol: "All in the Family" star dressed as Santa (Stan Kegel)
X-Mas: Tannenbaum: Suntan oil. (Lars Hanson)
X-Mas: Vixen: About to, as in "I'm vixen to go play cards with the
guys" (Cynthia MacGregor)
X-Mas: Snow: It is not any, as in, "Snow fun shoveling this stuff"
(Cynthia MacGregor)
X-Mas: Creche: A devise to help you walk with a broken leg. Usually used
in pairs (Stan Kegel)
X-Mas: Saint Nicholas: The saint who didn't own any five-cent pieces
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Computer: Browser : A fellow reading PLAYBOY in the drug store
Musical: Cadenza: That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off
of when company comes.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction (Geoff Tibballs)
Medical: Cauterize: Made eye contact with her (Richard Lederer)
Musical: Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work (Geoff Tibballs)
Medical: Coronary Bypass: If Prince Charles were to abdicate and his son
would be named king. (Gary Hallock)
Musical: Clef: What you try never to fall off of
Undertaker- The last guy to let you down (Geoff Tibballs)..
Musical: Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll
Cream!
Hypochondriac: Someone who won't let well enough alone. (Geoff Tibballs)
Musical: Quarter Tone: What most standard pickups can haul
Parents: The only thing that children wear out faster than shoes (Lee
Daniel Quinn)
Moonlighting: The sun's other job. (Geoff Tibballs)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"If I throw away my Two of Clubs, I can draw one card," Tom deduced.
(David Reihmer)
"It has zero height, zero width, and -- well, maybe I'll allow it to
have a bit of depth," said Tom, stretching the point. (Gill Krebs)
"My next novel will be the greatest thing since 'Finnegan's Wake,' " Tom
rejoiced. (Gill Krebs)
"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Red Sea," Moses said dividedly. (Asa Sparks)
"2 bdrm furn w/appl," said Tom aptly. (Gill Krebs)
"Is it true that some animals will eat their own babies?" asked Tom
literately (Gill Krebs).
"There are the pieces of the Ten Commandments," Moses said stonily. (Asa
Sparks)
POETRY
We were passing a football in grass
By the side of the highway. Alas,
A patrolman did stop;
Gave a ticket. The cop
Said, "The sign clearly states 'Do Not Pass'." (Kirk Miller)
Where was murderer caught son?
Give it a wee bit of thought son...
Sour expression on face
makes it easy to trace ...
A lemon tree my dear Watson ! (Gunjan Saraf)
The birds incurred debts they did rue,
And last week the bills had come due.
In the morn, when they ate,
They did not feel too great,
'Cause the birds had their bills over dew.(Kirk Miller)
Heading the list of the people who try us
Are husbands who blissfully sleep on the bias. (Ogden Nash)
If a maple tree's hurt, deep-six it.
If a bur oak tree's hurt, don't nix it.
It is not just my word,
But an adage you've heard:
"If it isn't bur oak, don't fix it." (Kirk Miller)
BLOOPERS:
The infant was handed to the pediatrician, who cried spontaneously.
(Richard Lederer)
Pasteurized milk comes from cows which graze in pasteurs. (Art Linkletter)
The patient was side-swiped by a car riding a motorcycle. (Richard
Lederer)
Well water is water that won’t make you sick. (Art Linkletter)
Another delicious combination for these hot days, also by Kraft, is a
chilled grease sandwich and a choke. (Ed Herlihy)
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (Richard Lederer)
The Mnemonic Plague is remembered to this day. (Art Linkletter)
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. (Richard
Lederer)
HEADLINES:
BEAUTY QUEEN UNVEILS BUST AT DEDICATION CEREMONY (Richard Lederer)
Older blacks have edge in longevity (Randall Woodman)
BE SURE TO EAT RIGHT BEFORE SURGERY (Richard Lederer)
DEAN OF MEN, DEAN OF WOMEN PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING ON CAMPUS (Richard Lederer)
PARTIAL JURY CHOSEN FOR TYSON CASE (Richard Lederer)
Lack of brains hinders research (Randall Woodman)
SOME PIECES OF ROCK HUDSON SOLD AT AUCTION (Richard Lederer)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Two fisherman would pull on their gators,
Then insert in their rectums vibrators.
Erect cocks they then took,
And impaled on a hook,
Because they were both master baiters.
(Nina’s naughty newsletter)
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks. (Judy’s Jokes)
When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a
terrified sheik. (Playboy)
She was only an apple-grower's daughter, and she couldn't wait to get it
in cider. (Richard Lederer)
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun ... just
don't get into the habit. (Nina)
Why couldn't the Leper tie his new running shoes?
They cost him an arm and a leg. (Gordon Freeman)
The discovery of an ocean shaped like a penis turned out to be a phallus
sea. (David Reihmer)
Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always screw up. (Red/Gutter Jokes)
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! (Biker Lynn)
She was only a cyclist's daughter, and she peddled it all over town.
(Richard Lederer)
Man who lays woman on hill not on level. (Buzkil)
Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo?
He was doing great until business fell apart (Gordon Freeman)
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have
sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know
of is standing up in a hammock." (Classic Laff a Day)
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary. (Buzkil)
What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over?
Doughnuts. (Marina)
I used to consider myself a member of the Mile High Club, until I found
out that masturbating in Denver doesn't count. (Tom Sullivan)
So, these three guys walk into a bar: a priest, a pedophile, and a porn
addict, and he's with two other men. (John Hedtke)
She was only an ornithologist's daughter, and, with her parakeets, she
loved to play with a cockatoo. (Richard Lederer)
Man who lays woman on ground get "piece on earth". (Buzkil)
A man approached a female clerk in the department store: "Excuse me," he
said, "but do you have notions?" "I do," she replied, "but I try to
suppress them until 5:00." "Oh, no," stammered the embarrassed shopper.
"You misunderstood. I need to know if you keep stationery." "Just until
the very end," she replied, "Then I just go wild." (Archives)
A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold. Just wait
until guys get hold of this. A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey,
I got something for that." (Biker Lynn)
She thought that peter pan was something for under the bed. (Marsha Coleman)
Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister. (Caboom)
A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged divorcee to her car
with her groceries. As they get to the parking lot, she smiles at him
and says, "I've got an itchy pussy." He replies, "Well, you better point
it out, lady. All them Japanese cars look the same to me. (Myrrdin)
Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
He forgot his Head and Shoulders. (Gordon Freeman)
She lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him. (Marsha Coleman)
She was only a pianist's daughter, and when she wasn't upright, she was
grand. (Richard Lederer)
Woman who fly plane upside-down have crack up. (Buzkil)
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets
the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could
start by buying me a drink." (Laff A Day)
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it. The
bartender says, "You mean a cherry." She says, "No, I mean a plum." The
bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and
you're the first person that's ever asked for a manhattan with a plum.
Where did you ever get that idea?" She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I
lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!" (Paul Croft)