"Puns of the Weak" 3/30/01
Stan Kegel
"Puns of the Weak" for the week ending 3/30/01
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it! (LAB)
What Biblical character was fatherless? Joshua -- who was the son of
Nun! (James D. Ertner)
Obi Wan Kenobi had strong views about most of the major social and
political issues of his day and was never afraid to express those views.
It should not be difficult to remember what Obi Wan had to say about
marriage: May De Vorce be with you (Stan Kegel)
He was only a novice at cooking, but he was a halavah baker. (Rowena Brandruo)
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
(Syman Hirsch)
Undertakers usually have a grave attitude even if they are dying to get
your business. (Pun of the Day)
The judge dismissed the litigation involving a handbag made out of a
sow’s ear as being a trivial purse suit. (Lloyd Clark).
To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts. (Jumble)
Two blonds froze to death at the drive in. They went to see closed for
winter! (Daily Groaner)
With Gramps I went hunting somewhere
Some whiskey he'd also brought there
If we should meet grizzly
Although Gramps walks dizzily
No sweat. He's a loaded forebear
(Gary Hallock)
Circular arguments often make the rounds. (Pun of the Day)
On the same frigid wintry day in Europe, two different people, one in
France and the other in England, both jumped into the water totally
naked despite the elements and swam around till they were removed by the
authorities. But only one of these people was turned over to the local
mental health facility. Which one was committed and why? The Frenchman
because he was in Seine (Cynthia MacGregor)
With all the dfferent types and sizes of light bulbs offered in those
giant hardware stores, how to you pick the right one for you? By the
process of illumination. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
I must be a promising actor. They offered me two bits to perform. (Scot Nelson)
"The Nudist Store," is a shop in suburban Toronto that caters to people
interested in nudism. The proprietor of the shop greets customers
wearing only shoes, socks, and a wristwatch. The store is located in a
"strip mall." (Robert E. Lewis)
When I called my doctor for help, he said "Ice down your rotator cuff
immediately." That hurt my feelings, for he had given me the cold
shoulder. (Jim E. Snibbler)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Lars Hanson)
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on
the other. (Randall Woodman)
Dark Ages: Knight Time (Stan Kegel)
"The well-endowed women paddled the boat," Tom said robustly. (Garrett Stanley)
Intermission: Walking through the gates of San Juan Capistrano. (Robert
E. Lewis)
What do the Eiffel Tower, tapeworms and deadbeat in-laws all have in
common? They are all parasites (Paris sites) (Ken Pinkham)
Don't pluck with harpists
Fiddle with violinists
Or anyone's beau
(Gary Hallock)
What happens if you throw a centigrade thermometer up in the air? It
becomes fair in height. (David Allen / The International Save the Pun Foundation)
The student who said his bible had been run over by a steamroller was
stretching the truth. (Stan Kegel)
Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair? Too much fun!
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!
(Kirk Miller)
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid in an area out of
sight. Mel had his share stored but there was still some left for Mal
who was busy with other things. When Mel was asked why he had not just
stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide." (Lloyd Horton /
Tim Davis)
July 26, 1923 Cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi
River. They travelled on Cattle Logs. (Bob Weaver)
A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called Frisky
whenever it was in her room and Ballpoint whenever it was in the sty. He
asked her, “Why do you have two names for your pig?” 'She replied,
“Ballpoint is just his pen name.” (Syman Hirsch)
Earning his major in music and minor in geology, the youthful graduate
looks for a job in a big rock band. (Cryptograms)
Change is inevitable, except in vending machines. (Danny Perry)
Dunking: A ruler who abdicates his throne. (Stan Kegel)
KGB: A bee you can't get a straight answer out of. (Chris Freestone)
“I think I’ll make this statue look more like the Venus de Milo,” the
sculptor said disarmingly. (Richard Freedman)
The bridge-playing musician, pondering whether to take the trick or let
it go, finally decided to trumpet. (Allen Warren/The International Save
the Pun Foundation)
For some singing groups, an encore is re-choired. (Pun of the Day)
The census taker was hired because he could be counted on. (Jumble)
If a clock maker owns a cat it will probably have tics. (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi (Daily Groaner)
My obstetrician moonlights as a stand-up comic. His jokes are not very
funny but I love his delivery. (Madeline Ruehlicke)
What do you get when you cross a wolf with a polyester jacket? A
wash-and-wearwolf. (Dave Coble)
If you cross LSD with birth control pills, do you win a trip without the
kids? (Elliot Shubin)
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. (The Pun Page)
What are the parts of speech? The parts of speech are lungs and air.
(Richard Lederer)
Internal Revenue agent to worried taxpayer being audited: "Yes, Mr.
Smith, I'm afraid we do want to make a federal case out of it." (Gag-O-Matic)
Have you ever hunted bear ? No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
(Phillip Thompson)
I was momentarily distracted, you weren't paying attention, he is lost
in space. (Matt Blaisdell)
Parking: Top golfer at the country club (Stan Kegel)
According to a New Jersey poll, 92% of married women say they would
marry the same man - Mel Gibson. (Jay Leno)
They call her “Appendix” because you only take her out once. (Stephen Stewart)
“I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.” “Sheer?” “No, she’s
at home.” (Danny Perry)
Have you heard about the new computer TV that fixes itself? It's a
Christian Science monitor. (Gag-O-Matic)
A cannibal invited a friend over for supper one evening. While enjoying
the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a mean soup!" The host
replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her." (Twisted Humor)
Average: The average person has one ovary and one testicle. (Joe Lex)
As I was crossing the border, custom officials asked it I was bringing
in any pornographic material. “Heck, no!” I replied, “I don’t even own a
pornograph.” (Jessie Horne)
Problem: Engine making unfamiliar noise. Solution: Ran engine for 30
minutes. Noise is now familiar. (Mule)
Elixir: What her dog does when she comes home (Stan Kegel)
“I’m leaving you all my worldly possessions,” said the dying man
willingly. (Sidney Soanes)
Massenet
Never wrote a “Mass in A”.
It would have been just too bad
If he had.
(Ron Davis)
"I think I'll drive Howard Hughes back out into the desert and leave him
there," said Melvin with recluse abandon. (Gary Hallock)
If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself. (Pun
of the Day)
“I just can’t seem tl lose weight. I think it’s glandular.” “Yeah,
salivary glandular” (Wise and Aldrich)
I asked my speech recognition program "Can you recognise speech?" Its
response was "No I can't wreck a nice beach." (Jeff Goris)
Bald guys never have a bad hair day. (Jill’s Joke Line)
Sign at a nudist camp: Sorry - Clothed for the winter. (Apiarist)
Which of the five senses tends to diminish as you get older? My sense of
decency. (Charley Weaver)
Aardvark: Strenuous labor (Ray Hand)
"What goes around, comes around," reviewed Tom with a circular saw. (Sam Buttrey)
What might you say to tell the cows and sheep it is time to sleep? It's
pasture bedtime (Lars Hanson)
Mr. Cram lives with his wife, his high school sweetheart, and three
sons. (Richard Lederer)
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. (Paul Croft)
Two women were sitting at a bar having drinks. One woman said, "Are you
having another one?" "No," she replied, "it's just the way my dress is
buttoned." (Gil Krebs)
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he
leads a dog's life is well founded. She said, "He comes in the house
with muddy feet, tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls
at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture." (Daily Detour)
Burglarize: What a crook sees with (Crosswalks)
After returning from the podiatrist, I told my husband I had a neuroma
(damaged nerve between the toes). My husband replied, "I could have told
you your toes have an aroma." (Tamara Thomas)
A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if
I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you
think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing a
psychiatrist?" "Whoah!" says the doc. "One at a time." (Gag-O-Matic)
Fat chance I'll join Weight Watchers! (Lisa Bundy)
A TV antenna installer met a lady TV antenna installer on a rooftop They
fell in love and decided to get married. The wedding was nothing
special, but the reception was fantastic! (Paul Benoit)
They had wanted to hold the reception on the moon, but decided against
it as there would be no atmosphere (Stan Kegel)
"According to this sonograph, the average frequency of my speaking voice
is 160 Hz," said Tom in measured tones. (Gil Krebs)
"Look over there!" said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a
human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going
to do?" To which the second skunk calmly replied, "Let us spray."
(Beckie Shiles)
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on
the first floor. (Richard Lederer)
What might you call a one-eyed baby doctor who got all of his training
from reading volumes of Britanica? An encyclopspediatrician (Gary Hallock)