Groaners of the Weak 01-25-05
Stan Kegel
THE GROANERS
It is often presumed that the Carthaginian military strategist, Hannibal
invaded Italy by crossing the Alps on pachyderms because he wished to have a
tactical advantage over his enemy. The simple truth was that he had so much
equipment and ammunition to haul there would be no other way for him to
accomplish the journey. Hannibal knew that in order to be certain of a
victory, it was important that he maintain the elephant of supplies. (Gary
Hallock)
A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not
parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to
feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he
enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature
story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for
himself. His reply? "I have no egrets." (Cynthia MacGregor)
Reservists like myself always had a hard time parking on base, as most
spaces were set aside for the brass. My wife never had this problem. I
finally found out why, after she drove me to the PX and parked in a space
marked "Reserved." "See?" she said. "Just look at all the spaces they've
set aside for you 'Reserves'." (Renee from Napa)
Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing surgery
because of his poor record? The police busted him for attempting to operate
on a sick bird. But the case was thrown out on a technicality: It was an ill
eagle surgeon seizure! (Marsha Coleman)
My husband, Jim was trying to fix our carousel CD player. For some reason it
would not release any of the CDs after pressing the button. Jim said he
couldn't figure out what was wrong with it and I said I know exactly what's
wrong. It suffers from ejectile disk-function. (Tiff Wimberly)
During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with
his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much
better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music
Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the
band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." (Phill
Rock)
A more enterprising farmboy converted his parents' country place into a
tourist attraction by stocking it with African lions. He was so successful
that he had to control traffic on the dirt road leading to it by putting up
a sign that read "Please Wait Your Turn. The Lion Farm's to the Right."
(John S. Crosbie)
A Thai emigrant to England, named Pred, became very active in British
politics till an incident in a bar late one night, when he was thrown out
for hitting on woman after woman after woman in a most persistent and
insistent manner. The matter made the next day's paper, and the scandal
threatened to ruin his political career. "What on earth were you thinking
of?" asked a senior politico, who was astonished at such flagrant
misbehavior. "I was just living up to my name," the émigré answered. "I'm
Pred, a Tory." (Cynthia MacGregor)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before
shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service
were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his
youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and
declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is
black toast intolerant."
It's easy to get separated when shopping at a large store, so when a
co-worker of mine was asked by a woman please to page her missing husband,
he gladly obliged. Loudly and clearly over the PA system, he announced, "If
there is a Rich Hooker in the store, please come to the customer-service
desk. Your party is waiting for you." (Gail S. Angel)
A guy bought a pair of parrots and decided to go into the parrot breeding
business. He didn't think much of the fact that both birds were named Polly,
but unfortunately both birds were actually female. Thus his plans for parrot
breeding hit a snag until he got the idea of cloning them. After many months
of work he was eventually able to produce a half dozen fertilized eggs. When
they hatched, three of them were normal healthy females, but the other three
were male, and the little guys had very malformed wings and legs. Little
wonder that they say, "Polly chicks makes strange bred fellows." (Gary
Hallock)
A Great Dane complained to the London subway authorities that he couldn't
get a train on the Underground. "There are always scores of small dogs in
front of me!" he protested. "Well," replied the official huffily, "You
shouldn't be trying to travel during the peke hour!"
They called the stupid jerk "Wade Shoes" because he wore big spongy clown
shoes while wading in pools, fountains, mud puddles and such, and then he
would traipse all over people's papers or whatever they had on the ground. I
saw a musician in the park writing words and music to a blues tune, with his
papers scattered all around, and I can attest that it did no good for the
musician to yell, "Don't step on my blues, Wade Shoes!" (Michael Bass)
It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age.
When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly
blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the
wind got the best of her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few
minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her
pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said.
"What in the world are you doing?" The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down
to sweep."
An enterprising entomologist strapped an insect trap to the back of a
farmer's horse. After the horse had been out in the pasture a few days, the
entomologist went back to check the trap. To his sorrow, he found that a
strolling roan gathers no moths.
Back in primitive days, there was a very gentle tribe which, unfortunately,
encountered some cannibals. The cannibals chased them and ripped off parts
of their bodies, even their thighs and shins. Those who managed to escape
finally came upon another peaceable tribe whose chief invited them to relax
and enjoy themselves until they were healed. He welcomed them proudly to a
"first" in the world's cultural history; the presentation of a play. Alas,
since it was the first play in the world, the acting was pretty bad. The
embarrassed chief told the wounded visitors that they could throw rocks if
they wished. As he strode away in disgust, he muttered, "He that is without
shins among you, let him stone the first cast!" (John S. Crosbie)
A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving along in their car after
the couple has come from the golf club. Because of his movements, the tees
in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things
that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my
balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly
answer."
Revan's family was celebrating and in a good mood at a fancy steakhouse. As
their waiter stood there ready to take their orders, Revan was caught up in
listening to the background music that was piped throughout the restaurant.
"What 'CD' is this?" she asked him. Apparently her East Texas accent
confused him, because he looked at her for a moment, leaned over, and
answered, "Fort Worth." (Marsha Coleman)
In 1975, the CTA got President Thieu out of Vietnam and put him up at an
apartment in Paris where they had formerly housed Argentina's deposed
president, Juan Peron. Fortunately for the CIA's budget, the rent for the
apartment had not increased since Peron had been there. In fact, Thieu could
live as cheaply as Juan! (John S. Crosbie)
The new Vice Principal made an announcement, over the school intercom "The
staff and students would like to congratulate Mr. Spenser on his forthcoming
marriage." Later, when she saw him he thanked her for the special attention.
He added, that perhaps, for grade school, she should use smaller words. It
seems 2 or 3 students had asked him about his 3 earlier marriages.
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific
problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed
lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she
replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor
answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in
men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much
do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After
calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight
hundred dollars, I guess!"
John Jacob Astor, the wealthy19th-century New York businessman, had seven
children, the youngest of which was Eliza (1801-1838). When Eliza and her
older sister, Dorothee, were of courting age, it seemed that the older
sister was the one who always turned the heads of the eligible bachelors
while Eliza was dangerously clumsy to the point of absurdity and no one
wanted to date her. Word got around that several chaperoned dates with Eliza
had ended in a fire, a buggy with a broken wheel, and one of her beaux had
even broken his leg. The gossipers around Manhattan claimed that Eliza was
jinxed and that anyone wishing to court her would just end up having a date
with Liz Astor. (Tiff Wimberly)
Women can have the same name as states. Georgia and Virginia, of course are
women's names, and Carolina can be too (although without the geographical
direction.) I have seen people of both sexes named Dakota, although it is
rare. Florida, too, is a rare name. However, I doubt if too many women want
to be named "I da ho." (Barry Austern)
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait
here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs
this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The
other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was
just checking my pee-mail messages."
There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure
the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral
formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he
takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. You may tag him as a
frost-free reef ridge rater. (By Gary Hallock)
There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the Kangaroos have
developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them
down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are
hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos
suddenly change direction and veer towards the vehicle. The driver then has
to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials. Drivers
are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.
(Dave's Daily)
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the
resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and
he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was
join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers). He
tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English
language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together
while going to English classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very
good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an
artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him
specialize in giving shaves. Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian
THE SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES
Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the
loading dock with this warning printed on it: Danger! Do Not Touch!
Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it
could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and
gloves, and then he carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that
read: Danger! Do Not Touch! (Gail S. Angel)
In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I
work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little
different from our own. One day, after parking across the street in an
attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do
you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are
an excellent person, and I love your hair." (Gail S. Angel)
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some
shopping. All of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started
swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to
the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" To which
the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around." (Fred Barling)
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.
He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung
up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he
shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The
politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like
this?"
A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a
train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each
time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a
fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears
and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He
told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling
the rough and rocky road to damnation." To which the drunk replied: "Don't
tell me I'm on the wrong train again!" (William Brabant)
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes
one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up
of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senators plead to the
angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the
remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.
"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of
cowards and corrupt politicians!"
Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it
proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?" "No Morris, a man
should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi. "Are you
sure Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi
"Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars
I gave you for marrying me to my wife.?" (William Brabant)
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of suckling his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats,
warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is
going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park,
mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old
considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I
know what you've been doing."