Weakly Humerus News 11-27-04

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Stan Kegel

Nov 28, 2004, 1:26:17 AM11/28/04


As you may remember from school. The Constitution creates a system of checks
and balances. However, currently the government seems to be writing more
checks than it ca balance. (Sean Carter)

There's talk in some political circles of amending the United States
Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger could be President. But the Democrats
are against it. First, they want the Constitution changed so maybe a
Democrat can maybe be President again. (Jay Leno)

Sir Paul McCartney was hired Monday to perform at half-time of the Super
Bowl in February. It's come to this. Popular culture is so debased that the
troubadour of the sexual revolution is now the family-friendly choice for
Sunday entertainment. (Argus Hamilton)

After being found guilty of killing his pregnant wife and unborn son, the
penalty phase in Scott Peterson's trial begins today. Experts believe he
could get the death penalty, but will avoid the most severe punishment of
being banned for the rest of the NBA season. (Jake Novak)

"Dan Rather's quitting the CBS Evening News ending an era of biased,
unbalanced, untruthful television journalism after being caught red-handed
secretly conspiring with John Kerry and Bin Laden to contaminate our
President's vital fluids and hand this country over to the terrorists!"
"Where did you hear that?" "Fox News!" (Kevin Siers, The Charlotte Observer)

Apparently the French supplied Saddam Hussein with 37 tanks and other
armored vehicles , covering it up with a paper trail under the Oil For Food
program. It sounds like a clear case of Tanksgiving. (Alex Ramirez)

K-Mart which has been in bankruptcy just bought Sears. I have a suggestion
for the name of the new company: "Sears and No-bucks" (Jerry Clark)


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it anymore (This was
originally by Jay Leno)


Leno interviews President Bush:

Cows with Guns by Dana Lyons:

Arafat & Sharon: "You Don't Bring Me Flowers"


Hispanic teacher to class: "The pilgrims came to America to escape religious
persecution. They then persecuted the Indians for having their won cultural
and religious beliefs." Student: "What are they doing now?" Teacher: "Moving
in on the rest of us." (La Cucaracha: Luis Alcaraz)


Bush denied today that he had blocked the intelligence bill on Friday. "I
didn't block it," said Bush. "I asked ranking House leaders to pass it while
making absolutely sure that they knew that I didn't want it to be passed,"
he said. "That's totally different." (Tom Burka)

Big gossip in Washington today. It's all Bush about kissing his cabinet
secretary. First he kissed Condoleezza Rice twice on the cheek. Then he
kissed his new education secretary right on the lips. One day Bush goes to
the Clinton library and comes back the tongue. Now he is Bush the tongue.
(Jay Leno)

President Bush says he regrets he could only spend 4 hours in Colombia
yesterday. The President says he had hoped to stay longer to talk about
fighting terror, work on trade agreements, and he really wanted to visited
the coca bean fields he "personally endowed" in the 1970's. (Jake Novak)

Most Americans are thankful this holiday that they don't have to be fighting
in Iraq like our brave soldiers. Of course the best part about not being in
the armed forces is you don't have to worry about President Bush showing up
unannounced to serve you a Turkey. (Jake Novak)

There was another White House resignation today -- Laura Bush. That's right.
Laura Bush is stepping down. She is going to be replaced by Mary Tyler
Moore. (David Letterman)

The White House Thanksgiving dinner features the usual fare, although the
turkey being served will have no left wing. (Alan Ray)

President Bush was going to pardon the presidential turkey, but before he
could ... (it) resigned. (David Letterman)

President George W. Bush broke with White House tradition today, killing the
ceremonial White House turkey and pardoning House Majority Leader Tom DeLay
instead. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush personally wrestled aside South American police who tried to
bar his Secret Service agent from following him into a banquet hall in Chile
Sunday night. His aggression was widely applauded at home. How dare these
countries try to stop an American from crossing a border. (Argus Hamilton)


Clinton on the MNF promo: "I think I'll have to expand the Desperate
Housewives Wing of my library." (Chortler)

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and cost seven dollars
to get in. On the bright side, every night is ladies' night. (Conan O'Brien)

The Clinton library will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal,
just like the Oval Office did. (Tina Fahy)

Did you see the library? They said it's really something. They said the most
popular attraction is the viewing booth where you pay a quarter and you get
to watch.(Jay Leno)

The Bill Clinton Presidential Library opened to the public on Friday. The
property includes his future burial site. Every year on the anniversary of
his death there will be a candlelight vigil by tens of thousands of his
supporters in the adultery community. (Argus Hamilton)

Little Rock drew tens of thousands of tourists Thursday for the Bill Clinton
Presidential Library, which drew rave reviews from visitors. Many exhibits
are interactive. If you insert a two- dollar token you can ride the
mechanical secretary. (Argus Hamilton)

You know what today was? The official opening of the Clinton library in
Little Rock, Arkansas. You probably saw it on the news. Poured -- nothing
but rain, which is kind of ironic because a lot of dresses got ruined. (Jay

President Bush actually was excited to be there because he had never been to
a library before. (David Letterman)

Bill Clinton was very excited. What made him very excited was the appearance
of Dick Cheney's hot, lesbian daughter. (David Letterman)

There were 4 presidents there, standing side by side. Presidents Carter,
Bush I, Clinton and of course George W. Bush. Kind of looked like the 99
cent store version of Mt. Rushmore. (Jay Leno)

Not everyone is happy about the library. Some architectural critics say that
the library look like a double wide trailer. ... In fact there is even a
sign outside that says: "If the library is rocking don't come a knocking."
(Conan O'Brien)

The Bill Clinton Presidential Library opened to the general public on Friday
with a ticket price of seven dollars for entry. The business so far is
pretty slow. The gift shop hasn't been open for a week and already men's
pants are half off. (Argus Hamilton)

The Clinton Library was opened last Thursday. And today the city council in
Little Rock voted to shut it down. Turns out, the area is not zoned for
adult businesses. (Jay Leno)

The Clinton Library is filled with more than 80 million presidential items,
many that vibrate. (Jay Leno)


Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced his resignation today but
said he had łno specific information˛ about when or where his resignation
would take place. (Andy Borowitz)

Colin Powell is downplaying the importance of a discussion he had with
Iran's foreign minister during a dinner this week in Egypt. The outgoing
Secretary of State insists they didn't talk about Iran's nuclear program,
mostly because Powell spent most of the time asking him for a job. (Jake

Liberal and openly democratic CIA operatives and analysts are to be
designated enemy combatants today and immediately shipped to a detention
center in Guantanamo, Cuba, pursuant to orders from the White House that
were vetted and approved by counsel Alberto Gonzalez. "It's a natural
extension of what we're now calling the 'Plame doctrine,'" said Gonzales.
"We're not just outing them -- we're taking them out." Gonzalez said that
summarily interning liberal and allegedly disloyal employees was not a
denial of due process under the Constitution. "Sometimes, when you've got a
mandate, the Constitution just doesn't apply." (Tom Butka)


Kerry on the Desparate Housewives promo: "I have a plan to bring even more
breasts to the American public." (Chortler)

John Kerry discussed the election with Geraldo Rivera Thursday. The reporter
empathized with him. Last year Geraldo was one of only four men who were
asked by the U.S. military to leave Iraq, the other three being Saddam
Hussein and his two sons. (Argus Hamilton)


George Bush (Sr.) on the Desparate Housewives promo: "Clearly it is a
failure in the intelligence community to alert us to the fact that naked
females look like this." (Chortler)

Republican Congressional leaders started off Thanksgiving today outraged
that Spongebob Squarepants, who they called "an obviously and flagrantly gay
cartoon character" was prominently featured in today's Macy's Thanksgiving
Day Parade.The allegation that Spongebob Squarepants, a cartoon character
who appears on the Nickelodeon TV Network, is homosexual, caused a great
deal of controversy among fans. "Spongebob is not gay," said Anita Physic, a
viewer from Oklahoma. "He's just a kid, really." Republicans scoffed at the
assertion. "Oh, please," said Santorum. "It's obvious. He lives in a
pineapple under the sea." (Tom Burka)


U.S. Senator Ernest Hollings gave his farewell speech Friday after
forty-eight years. He complained there are no drunks left in the Senate.
Last year Teddy Kennedy spent St. Patrick's Day as the designated driver for
a church softball league. (Argus Hamilton)

An provision in the current spending bill giving Republican Senator Ted
Stevens and Republican Congressman Bill Young the right to personally review
any American's tax returns is being attacked by politicians and civil
libertarians everywhere. Actually, the angriest people about the measure are
Senator Stevens and Congressman Young, who insist that if they wanted to do
the kind of hard work it takes to understand tax returns, they obviously
wouldn't be in Congress. (Jake Novak)


A bogus princess is suing American Express for Ł1.2million for "letting" her
spend Ł600,000. Wall Street worker Antoinette Millard, 40, cannot afford to
pay the debt. She says the credit card firm should have spotted her
"irrational" spending reports The Sun. Millard, from Buffalo, US, claimed to
be a Saudi princess on her application. She faces trial on fraud charges.

Congress passed a bill Sunday enshrining the nation's first oil well, which
was drilled near Pittsburgh a hundred fifty years ago. The well was a
gusher. This explains far better than any fifth-grade teacher could why
Robert E. Lee invaded Pennsylvania. (Argus Hamilton)

Most Americans are thankful this holiday that they don't have to be fighting
in Iraq like our brave soldiers. Of course the best part about not being in
the armed forces is you don't have to worry about President Bush showing up
unannounced to serve you a Turkey. (Jake Novak)


It was on this date in 1963 that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
You know when I was growing up, everyone would always say "Where were you
when Kennedy was shot?˛ Today the new head of the CIA said, "Kennedy has
been shot?˛ (Jay Leno)


Critics are attacking a new ad campaign from the Department of Homeland
Security that urges parents to inform their kids about terrorism. But
experts say it's okay to tell children the terrorists are out there, but
under no circumstances should we terrify our kids by letting them know about
the existence of Congress. (Jake Novak)


The world's leading nations have agreed to forgive 80% of Iraq's outstanding
debt, but that's leading to mixed results. Iraq's economy will improve, but
now Donald Trump wants to run for president of that country. (Jake Novak)

Here's some good news - U.S. forces have taken Fallujah. But experts say it
will be hard to keep Iraq's insurgents from going after people in other
cities. It will be hard, hey, we can't even keep the Indiana Pacers from
going after people in other cities. (Jay Leno)

Saddam Hussein, it was reported Tuesday, will be tried in Iraq under Iraqi
law for capital crimes which may have been committed by subordinates in his
name. He could get the death penalty for something he didn't do. He didn't
run fast enough. (Argus Hamilton)


The United Nations vetoed a White House proposal to ban cloning Friday. The
practice of cloning was first successfully tested on sheep. It's only
natural for parents to want offspring who are healthy, who are athletic and
who can produce wool. (Argus Hamilton)

Over the weekend, a British soldier miraculously survived a 3000-foot fall
after his parachute failed to open properly. British military brass
immediately ordered all the remaining parachutes be pulled from service and
mothballed until they can be dry-cleaned and sold to the Canadian military.
(Brad Osberg)

Prince Charles was sued Thursday by a palace secretary for unfair dismissal
and sex discrimination. She says the prince's household is hierarchical and
elitist. She was fired when she asked him who died and made him king of
England. (Argus Hamilton)

The Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit had just begun in Chile on
Saturday when an earthquake struck. There were a lot of guilty looks around
the table when it hit. The North Koreans blamed the Iranians and the
Iranians blamed the North Koreans. (Argus Hamilton)

Fidel Castro is imposing strict restrictions on Cubans who want to surf the
internet or buy a computer. It's not that Castro is afraid of the spread of
free information, but because too many Cubans are using their empty computer
boxes to make boats. (Jake Novak)

The eight nations with artic territory have agreed to implement serious
policies to keep temperatures cool enough to avoid further melting of the
polar ice caps. The first measure is to make Martha Stewart their new queen.
(Jake Novak)

Thousands of Ukrainians are protesting the questionable results of their
presidential election. Actually, the demonstrators are mostly angry that
after going through all the trouble to attain democracy, the truth is
they're still living in the Ukraine. (Jake Novak)

Pro Western leaders in the Ukraine say their election was rigged. Russiaąs
President Vladimir Putin may have had a hand in the outcome. One of the area
power brokers is his brother Jeb. (Jake Novak)


A federal lawsuit has been brought against New York City by protesters
during the Republican National Convention who say they were arrested and
hoarded into a dangerously crowded room without access to food, water, or
bathrooms. Actually, it's not clear if the suit has been filed by the
demonstrators or people who have to ride the subway every morning. (Jake


Murdock on the promo: "I can't believe ABC would show something so crude and
degrading before Fox." (Chortler)

Dan Rather announced today that he's stepping down as anchor of the CBS
News. Though rather said he hasnąt been able to verify it yet. So it's not
official. (Jay Leno)

With Rather and Tom Brokaw going, ABC's Peter Jennings is expected to become
the dominant news anchor for people who watch network evening news. That's
kind of like being the guy who leads the "sing-a-long" at the nursing home.
(Jake Novak)

Rather uses all those Texas expressions. He said, "He'd leave when the
kettle starts whistling at the frying pan." What does that mean?" (Jay Leno)

The London Daily Mirror fired its editor on Friday for running hoax photos
of British troops apparently urinating on Iraqi prisoners. It's a bitter
lesson for all tabloid editors. Live by the unauthorized leak, die by the
unauthorized leak. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill O'Reilley on the Desperate Housewives promo: "Women need to be trained
so that they'll be equipped and ready to go when a real man shows up."


Jury selection for the Robert Blake case has begun. Under law Blake is to be
judged by a jury of his peers - which would be 12 unemployed homicidal
actors." (David Letterman)

A federal lawsuit has been brought against New York City by protesters
during the Republican National Convention who say they were arrested and
hoarded into a dangerously crowded room without access to food, water, or
bathrooms. Actually, it's not clear if the suit has been filed by the
demonstrators or people who have to ride the subway every morning. (Jake


Researchers have created a strain of mice that have all the ills of old
people. There have been negative side effects to the experiment. The TV in
the lab is now too damn loud. (Alan Ray)


Several spectators at last night's Detroit Pistons game got into a
punch-throwing, chair-tossing fight with some of the players for the
visiting Indiana Pacers. Police say the fans were all obviously deranged,
not because of the fight, but because they paid more than $100 each to see a
regular season NBA game in November. (Jake Novak)

The NBA has taken the extreme step of suspending Pacers' star Ron Artest for
the rest of the season because of Friday's night near-riot on the court in
Detroit. But the league is giving the fans involved in the fight an even
more severe punishment: season tickets to the Knicks. (Jake Novak)

The NBA has suspended 4 players for fighting with the crowd in Detroit. Ron
Artest faces further ramifications. As a result of his involvement in the
fracas, he will host next year's Vibe Awards. (Alan Ray)

The NBA has suspended Ron Artest for the remainder of the season. He is best
known for two types of shots. The circle hook and the right hook. (Alan Ray)

National Basketball Association commissioner David Sternąs take-no-prisoners
policy toward violence in the sport took another leap forward today as Mr.
Stern announced that the league was instituting a total ban on fans in all
NBA arenas. The fan ban, seen by many in the league as an unnecessarily
draconian measure, was the NBAąs łonly option˛ for restoring order to the
sport, Mr. Stern said today. (Andy Borowitz)

Ron Artest has been suspended for the incident. The good news - he has been
chosen to host the Vibe Awards next year. (David Letterman)

NBA Commissioner David Stern on Sunday suspended the players who incited the
violent and lawless mayhem in Detroit Friday night. Not everyone is upset.
Michigan houses the largest population of Iraqis in the United States and
for them it was like old home week. (Argus Hamilton)

It's such a great move for the NBA to step in and fill the void created by
the hockey lockout. (Jim Barach on the recent fight between Detroit Piston
fans and the Indiana Pacers)

The NBA Players Association blamed Detroit fans for Friday night's brawl.
It's gotten out of control. Los Angeles fans had to be warned by the public
address announcer Monday not to throw cocaine on the players no matter how
tired they look. (Argus Hamilton)

Indiana Pacer Ron Artest sounded mentally unhinged on the Today Show Tuesday
as he told what triggered Friday's brawl. It's sad. Perhaps the toughest
time in any young man's life is when he has to slug somebody because they're
the devil. (Argus Hamilton)

Indiana Pacers star Ron Artest was suspended on Sunday for fighting with
fans in Detroit. He clobbered two guys in the stands after they threw a cup
at him filled with warm beer and peanut shells. They stole the recipe from
an airline chef. (Argus Hamilton)

Did you see that melee at the Pacers and Pistons game? There was screaming,
shoving, rioting - it was like Arafat's funeral. (David Letterman)

Colts quarterback Peyton Manning put on a show this Thanksgiving Day with
six touchdown passes as Indianapolis beat the Lions in Detroit, 41-9.
Manning was so accurate with his throws, he even hit a few rowdy Detroit
fans as they tried to charge the field and start another riot. (Jake Novak)

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is a dad for the first time, as his wife Cynthia
gave birth to a baby girl. Looks like A-Rod finally did come through in the
clutch! (Jake Novak)

New York City leaders are now making their final push for the Summer
Olympics in 2012. They're reminding everyone that the games would create new
parks and housing, expand the subways, and finally bring people to the city
who understand what the Hell the cab drivers are saying. (Jake Novak)


Janet Jackson on the Desparate Housewives promo: "What a cheap publicity
stunt." (Chortler)

Have you been watching the show Desperate Housewives? You know what I don't
understand? What neighborhood do these women live in? All these sexy women
on the same block? Where is this block? And what town is this? Hooterville?
(Jay Leno)

łKinsey˛ is out in theaters. Dr. Alfred Kinseyąs honest discussion of sex
was regarded as taboo and extreme in the 1940ąs. Today it would be just
another opening on łMonday Night Football˛. (Alan Ray)

Ozzy Osbourne will reunite this summer with Black Sabbath. It's a benefit
concert of sorts. Much of the money the band earns will go directly to the
Colombian economy. (Alan Ray)

What do the price of gold and Anna Nicole Smith have in common? Earlier this
week they both hit a ten-year-high." (Jay Leno)

The Desert Inn in Las Vegas was imploded last week to make room for another
super-casino. They weren't built by people who won at the tables. The only
sure way to win in Las Vegas is to get off the plane and walk straight into
the propeller. (Argus Hamilton)

Many Greeks are outraged by the portrayal of Alexander the Great as bisexual
in Oliver Stone?s new epic Alexander. Stone has asserted that Alexander?s
love for his male friend Hephaestion is historically accurate; a group of
Greek lawyers is threatening to sue. (Anisa)

New York fashion mannequins are being modeled after Jennifer Lopez and
Beyonce, with larger rear ends. You know we are getting overweight when even
fake people are getting fatter asses. (Jim Barach)

There won't be a wardrobe malfunction this evening. If there is, I'm gonna
wipe out the first three rows! (Dolly Parton at the Country Music Awards)

Hugh Grant says he finds acting a miserable experience. Has he tried
sitting through one of his movies? (Jim Barach)

A new video game that allows players to re-enact the assassination of
President John F. Kennedy is now on sale. Previously, the only way you could
take shots at JFK was to get a job writing editorials for the New York Post.
(Jake Novak)

Here's a sign of the times... A video company is coming out with porn that
features only married couples having sex. See that's when you know the
Republicans have won. When we have married porn. (Jay Leno)

A company called castaway travel is now offering an all-nude vacation to
Mexico which they say starts with a nude airline flight. Well that should
speed things up at security. (Jay Leno)

Oliver Stone's new movie about Alexander the Great is getting mostly bad
reviews. Critics say there's nothing wrong with the film, except for the
part where Stone tries to prove that Alexander was really killed by the CIA.
(Jake Novak)

Ozzy Osbourne tried to fight off a burglar in his English country mansion
but he escaped with a large amount of jewelry. Experts say Ozzy could have
subdued the man if he had just breathed on him. (Jake Novak)

Paul McCartney will be the lead act at this January's Super Bowl halftime
show. McCartney was chosen because he's still a huge star, was a hit when he
did the show 3 years ago, and he's probably too old and slow to rip Janet
Jackson's shirt off. (Jake Novak)

Here's something we mentioned the other night - there's a new generation of
porno films coming out featuring married couples. Married people are
appearing together in these porno films. And you can really tell their
married. During foreplay one couple was talking about refinancing their
house. (Jay Leno)

Actress Patti Lupone says she was "shocked" by the aggressive way she was
patted down during a recent upper-torso body search at the Fort Lauderdale
airport. Judging by the way Lupone looks these days, we're shocked that
anyone would feel her up too. (Jake Novak)


K-Mart bought Sears. Maybe Martha will be getting something nice from
Craftsman this Christmas. (Bard Webster)

Merck Pharmaceuticals is under fire over reports that the company knew Vioxx
was dangerous. The executives told Congress they thought it was safe. They
knew people were dropping dead at the company picnic but they thought it was
the hamburgers. (Argus Hamilton)


The head of the United States Catholic Bishops said yesterday that 'It?s
been a very tough time for bishops'...Not as tough as it?s been for altar
boys. (Jay Leno)


32 top American college students have won Rhodes Scholarships and will
attend Britain's Oxford University next year. Experts hope that each of the
winners will use their expertise in science, literature, and philosophy to
explain to the Europeans how the Hell George W. Bush got re-elected (Jake


Millions of Americans are already clogging the highways this afternoon. But
it's not clear if they want to get out of town for Thanksgiving, or just
trying to get a decent parking spot at the mall in time for tomorrow. (Jake

The Consumer Product Safety Commission said Tuesday that cell phones are
exploding. The batteries overheat and they burst into flames. It looks like
politicians can stop worrying about the youth vote and give the seniors the
drug benefits they want. (Argus Hamilton)

Another Thanksgiving has passed. Experts say after a couple of days certain
things lose their appeal and should be tossed. Dressing, cranberry sauce,
and relatives. (Jake Novak)


Thursday is Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims inviting the Indians for that first
dinner is symbolic of the white manąs relationship with Native Americans. He
gave them the bird. (Alan Ray)

Thanksgiving is Thursday. Historians say some of the Pilgrims found their
dinner guests to be uncivilized and not able to communicate with. And those
were their relatives. (Alan Ray)

Revisionist historians, angry at Condoleezza Rice for casting revisionism in
a negative light, threatened to remove her from future history books if she
did not retract the reference. This past Sunday, Rice called accusations
against the White House's manipulation of intelligence data "revisionist
history," and derided those who were "rewriting history to suggest that the
White House went to war because of Hussein's WMD. Professor Demetri
Gazpacho, the President of the Revisionist History Association of America
pointed out, "Revisionists have simply revised views of history which
misrepresent what actually occurred. By associating the word "revisionism"
with falsehood, Rice is essentially recasting the meaning of revisionism,"
(Tom Burka)


Texas was flooded by storms that dumped twelve inches of rain on the Lone
Star State Monday. It resulted in a lot of lawlessness. When residents of
Austin were told to go to higher ground, the Democrats moved the party over
to Willie Nelson's house. (Argus Hamilton)

The Grand Canyon was flooded Sunday to help repair its ecosystem. Scientists
say there's value in restoring beaches and plants and wetlands. For starters
it will give this generation and future generations of Knievels a softer
place to crash. (Argus Hamilton)

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