Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
Why didn't the invisible teen-ager hang out with his friends?
Too much disappear pressure
What do you call a skeleton that won¹t get out of bed?
Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches
How can you tell if a ghost is lying?
You can see right through him
Why did the Vampire subscribe to USA Today?
He heard it had great circulation.
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Why was there an electric spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
He couldn't resistor
Why is a witch like a candle?
They are both wicked.
What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
Where does a one-armed man shop?
At a second hand store.
Is it okay to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No, the fingers should be eaten separately.
A friend of mine asked me if my Halloween costume was a pun. I told her it
was. I had a shirt and tie, camouflage pants and combat boots. I was a lower
Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor?
Because he was in high spirits (Kyle, 9)
What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
What do birds say on Halloween?
Where does the Wolfman live?
In a werehouse!
In the early days of New England, everybody went around wondering which was
The actors get stage fright.
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a
Where does Dracula water ski?
In Lake Eerie, off course.
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
What kind of food do math teachers eat?
Square meals! (Marsha Coleman)
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does
to run from first base to second?
Because there is a shortstop between second and third. (John S. Crosbie)
Why did the teacher throw homework into the ocean?
She wanted to test the water (Allan, 10)
What happened to the girl who swallowed a spoon?
She couldn't stir.
How did the bowler pay for his acupuncture?
With pin money (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where do frogs borrow money?
From the river bank! (Jenelle)
Why didn't he cowboy join his pals in the saloon?
Because he was on the wagon. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
Because she did a ewe-turn! (Betty, 8)
Why do they put telephone wires so high?
To keep up the conversation! (Jeremy, 9)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear (Viviana, 10)
What was the film called where Luke Skywalker got a manufacturer's recall
notice on his Volkswagen?
Return of the Jetta (Paul Cooper)
Why did the moron bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. (LAB
What do you call the horse the runs the city?
The mare (John, 8)
Why do lumberjacks like computers?
Because they get to log on. (Natalie, 9)
What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
Use a pencil instead! (Lee Hogan)
What do ants take when they're sick?
Ant-ibiotics! (Bob, 11)
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet. (Lee Hogan)
What do you call a computer superhero?
A screensaver (Justin, 9)
How do you paint a rabbit purple?
With purple hare spray (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
What did the boy shoe say to the girl shoe?
"You will always be in my sole!" (Alice, 10)
If H20 if water, what is H204?
For drinking, washing, and cleaning (Dosti Yaari)
How do hockey players kiss?
They just pucker up! (Jennifer, 8)
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funnies)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
When a new baby comes into the family, a lot of changes are needed. (Mike
When he tripped and fell in the wet concrete he left a bad impression. (Tony
My uncle called my grandfather a deer when he let my antelope? (Pun of the
Robinson Crusoe is responsible for the forty-hour week. He had all his work
done by Friday.
When the recruit was assigned a top bunk, he was up all night. (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
It is dangerous to leave a clock at the head of the stairs because it might
Your sense of touch suffers when you are ill because you don't feel well.
There is no such thing as a quiet game of tennis; every player has to raise
a racket. (John S. Crosbie)
He told a story about his eight-foot-three grandfather. It was a tall tale.
(Pun of the Day)
When she refused to kiss him at midnight, he realized the date was over.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
On laundry day, the neighbors liked to hang out. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
After entering the sewing contest a lady was on pins and needles. (Pun of
The striking janitors sought sweeping changes. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
When a musician plays a scale on a newly cleaned piano, he goes from C to
shining C. (Pun of the Day)
An undertaker always puts a customer in his place. (Douglas Helsel)
I went skiing and broke a bunch of bones when I hit a tree so hard that it
knocked the bark off. I called the lodge on my cell phone. An hour later, a
tree surgeon arrived! (Mike Bass)
A pastry shop sign: Come to us for your just desserts.
A golf course sign: School around the bend-Drive carefully!
I've always had my feet on the ground-but it sure makes it tough to take off
my pants. (Anne Kostick)
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the
circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber?"
(Steven Alan Green)
When the storm ruined his picnic, the King said, "The rain reigns." (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)
Do you believe kissing is unhealthy.
I don't know. I've never been sick (Anna Kostick)
A musician tripped over a chord, which resulted in a nasty note. So he
decided to go to home suite home. (Mike Bull)
Have you heard of the downfall of the bungee suppliers? (Joan DeGrave)
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical. (Tony Thoennes)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Doorman to bar: "Hey, where are you going with those?" Man trying to go in:
"I need to give these jumper cables to my buddy in there." Doorman: "OK,
take them in. But don't start anything." (Mike Donovan)
Sherlock Holmes: The Retired Years: "So, what are you planting now? "The
same as always. a lemon tree, my dear Watson." (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)
"You're suing your fortune teller, Madame Zoo Doo, because you think she
swindled you? What would you call that, a seer sucker suit?" (Shoe: Cassett
& Brookins) "
Automatic transmissions are shiftless (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Two cows talking with many calves running around: "Children should be seen
and not herd." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Bank robber with midget sitting on his shoulder: Caption: Big Bob knew it
was wrong, but gosh darn it, someone had to stick-up for the little guy.
(Cornered: Mike Baldwin)
"Did you read about the busboy who went berserk? Apparently, he was whipping
down tables qnd just snapped, took off all his clothes and ran through the
restaurant naked. Then he tripped and skewered himself in the mouth on a
piece of cutlery. See. There in the paper, 'Wired man streaks with forked
tongue." (Mullets: Stronoski & McGarry)
"This is ridiculous!" "What?" "How expensive these 'Wonderbras' are."
"Inflation!" (Geech: Jerry Bittle)
Outside the Swiss Cheese Factory: "Did you get the job?" "Yes. I finally
found an employer who's impressed by all the holes in my resume!" (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Two birds talking: "'Why don't we get married', she says. 'You know, two can
live as cheeply as one.'" (Pardon My Planet: Vic Lee)
Mr. Wilson must have a hard time learning his numbers. Mrs. Wilson is always
telling him to count to ten." (Dennis The Menace: Hank Ketcham)
"My mom's not fair. She won't let me watch TV until I clean up my room."
"You'd better get used to it, kiddo. The world isn't fair. Take this number
2 pencil for example. The number 2 pencil is the most popular, widely used
pencil, for example." "So?" "So, why is it still number 2?" (Pickles: Brian
Fish: "Seems to me 90 percent of seafood salad is crab."
Sturgeon: "Sure, 90 percent of everything is crab."
(Frazz: Jeff Mallet)
Crocodile Band singing: "Egrets, I've had quite a few." (Mixed Media: Wills
Flattery is someone's candied opinion. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
I'm watching an Oprah tape backwards. So she's Harpo. (Frank & Ernest: Bob