Advisory for American travellers heading for France]
Erasor
State Department,the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of
Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease
Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know
about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.
General overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly
as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne,
Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the
people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak
Englishif shouted at.
As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People:
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke
a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those
are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it
from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is
common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups
and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual
recognition.
Safety:
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of
Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock
market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been
opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to
London.
History:
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
many years and is now an airport.
Government:
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments,
districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and
floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the
most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone
named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture:
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see
why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie
that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except,
perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).
Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word.
In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading
hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy:
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are
not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, Exocet missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade
launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, Antoine de Caunes,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public holidays:
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361
national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as
if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest
of the World is Crap Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear
Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and
National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion:
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't
inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that
it is not Germany.
A word of warning:
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely
for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you
are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of
a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and
5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely
indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or
something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our
holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck. God bless America
Bjorn Beheydt
Erasor wrote:
>
> France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
> historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
> Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
> many years and is now an airport.
Is inspector Clouseau geen Belg???
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely
for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you
are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of
a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and
5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely
indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or
something similarly useless.
En Pizza Hut is tot voor kort altijd in handen geweest van GIB, welk onstaan is
uit GB en Innovation...
Borniet
Filip Vanheer
Bjorn Beheydt schreef:
Erasor wrote:
>
> France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
> historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
> Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for
> many years and is now an airport.
Neen, je verwart met Hercule Poirot.Is inspector Clouseau geen Belg???
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely
for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you
are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of
a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and
5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely
indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or
something similarly useless.
In België is Pizza Hut inderdaad een onderdeel van resto-GB. Maar zij betalen Pepsico ( de eigenaar van de naam en het concept "Pizza Hut") een jaarlijkse fee om hier in België Pizza Hut-restaurants te mogen uitbaten.En Pizza Hut is tot voor kort altijd in handen geweest van GIB, welk onstaan is
uit GB en Innovation...
en voor de rest vind ik dit een schitterende persiflage.Borniet
Filp
Rutger van der Linden
>
Nee. Dat is de popgroep Clouseau. Inspecteur Clouseau is de franse alter ego
van Peter Sellers in o.a. "Return of the Pink Panther".
>
> En Pizza Hut is tot voor kort altijd in handen geweest van GIB, welk
onstaan is uit GB en Innovation...
Tot voor kort? De overname door Tricon is toch al twee jaar geleden? Tricon
is trouwens een Yank.
