weekly horoscope with a twist

[aralia]

Aries Next time you go shopping, do make sure to buy a toothbrush,
strong menthol toothpaste and stacks of chewing gum, and when you get those
items home, don't be afraid to put them to some good use. Because you see,
and I hate being the one to tell you this, but your breath smells not unlike
a wet dog aged 20 suffering from four different lung and stomach diseases,
three of which were previously completely unknown to the vet.

Taurus A little bird will whisper some startling news in your ear,
probably the left one (face it, that's the cleaner one). This will impress
you so much that you develop a sudden and keen passion for ornithology. So
most of your conversation this week will be on the following topics:
sparrows and how to attract them to your garden or balcony, budgies and what
to feed them for a treat or the dodo and why people shouldn't have eaten
that very last one. And certainly not with lima beans instead of proper
vegetables. Lima beans!

Gemini I don't know what kind of activities you have planned this
week, but I do know you're likely to overdo most of them. That means you
should put off plucking your eyebrows for at least a week. I suggest going
for a walk in the park or reading every available newspaper instead. Just
calm down and if people ask, nay beg you to please shut up for a while, just
smile gracefully and put a sock in it, will you?

from: http://www.weirdosweeklyhoroscope.bravehost.com