[rec.arts.sf.written] Re: If LOTR had been written by someone else ...

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Danny Sichel

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Jan 31, 2003, 8:00:17 PM1/31/03
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Subject: Re: If LOTR had been written by someone else ...
From: "Brenda W. Clough" <clo...@erols.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

[The setting is the Last Homely House east of the Sea, where Elrond has
convened the Council.]

GANDALF rises to address the Free Peoples of Middle Earth. He sounds
like Robert Preston:

Well, ya got trouble, my friends.
Right here, I say trouble, right here in Middle Earth.
Why sure I'm a wizard, certainly mighty proud to say it.
I consider the hours I spent with a wand in my hand are golden!
Help you cultivate horse sense, and a cool and, and a keen eye.
Did you ever take and try and give a hot-foot
To trolls in a three-way attack?
But just as I say, it takes judgment, brains and maturity to score in an
orc raid
I say that any boob can take and shove a Ring in his pocket
And I call that reckless!
The first big step on the road to the depths of degrada --
I say, first miruvor from a teaspoon, then ale from a pint tankard,
And the next thing you know your hobbit is toting a Ring in a mithril coat!
Listenin' to some black-clad Rider, hearin' him tell about winged beasts --
Not a wholesome riding steed, no
But a beast with bat-wings and a bad overbite!
Like to see some stuck-up Rohirrim sitting on it?
Makes your blood boil, well I should say!

Now, dwarves, let me show you what I mean.
You got one, two, three four, six, seven Rings for the dwarf lords.
Rings that mark the difference between a dwarf and a slave
With a capital S and that's before R and that stands for Ring!

And all during the Third Age Elrond, your youth'll be frittering away,
I say your young Elves will be fritterin',
Fritterin' away their daylight, moonlight, starlight too.
Get the Ring in the pocket!
Never mind gettin' the lembas baked or the hithlain spun or the armor
polished.
Till your elders are caught without a ship at the Grey Havens!
And that's trouble, oh you got lots and lots of trouble
I'm thinkin' of the Elves in Lorien an' Mirkwood
Young ones, borrowin' Dad's Ring after school!

Ya got trouble, Elves, right here in Rivendell
With a capital T and that's after R and that stands for Ring!

Now I know all you hobbits got no truck with Sauron.
I'm gonna be perfectly frank.
Would you like to know what kind 'o conversation goes on
While they're loafing with these Ringwraiths?
They'll be tryin' on black cloaks, tryin' out Morgul blades
Braggin' all about how they're gonna help track down the One by sniffin'!
Now one fight night they leave the Shire,
Headin' for a showdown at Osgiliath
Libertine orcs and blastin' fire and batterin' rams
Shameless aggression that'll grab Gondor and Rohan
Send 'em into a spiral of destruction!
Friends, the idle hobbit is the devil's playground!

ELROND and COUNCIL:
Oh, we got trouble!

GANDALF:
Right here in Middle Earth!

COUNCIL:
Right here in Middle Earth!

GANDALF:
With a capital T and that's after R which stands for Ring!

COUNCIL:
It's that One Ring!

GANDALF:
We surely got trouble!

COUNCIL:
We surely got trouble!

GANDALF:
Right here in Middle Earth!

COUNCIL:
Right here!

GANDALF:
Gotta figure out a way to keep the Swertings in Harad!

COUNCIL:
Our children's children gonna have trouble!

GANDALF (winding up for the finale):
With a capital T!

COUNCIL:
With a capital T!

GANDALF:
And that's after R!

COUNCIL:
And that's after R!

(Everyone suddenly falls silent except for FRODO, who finds himself
singing solo):
And that stands for Ring!

ELROND (speaking without missing a beat):
If I understand aright all I have heard, I think this task is appointed
for you, Frodo!

GANDALF: Whew!

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