_Battlefield Earth_ - it should've been called "Yor: The Hunter From The Future Part 2"

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Tyrannorabbit

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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I wish this movie had been released a week earlier than it was;
it's hard to think of a more perfect event to hail the long-feared
alignment of the planets which unfortunately came to pass without
disaster or global panic.

Some movies I deliberately avoid hearing anything about before
seeing them, because I want very much to enter the theater with fresh
eyes; _The Blair Witch Project_ was such a movie. Other movies, I read
about regularly in the months leading up to release; script reviews,
teaser pics, spot-the-shill, you name it, I'm scouring Dark Horizons
and Corona for it. Which brings me to _Battlefield Earth_.

_Battlefield Earth_ has attracted my curiosity like no other
film scheduled to come out this summer. I've never cared much about
comic-book adaptations so my interest in _X-Men_ is limited, and even
John Woo at the helm has sparked little more than cautious anticipation
for _Mission: Impossible 2_. But _Battlefield Earth_, for whatever
reason, I just couldn't wait for. Surely, at the end of the year,
it'll be one of the most-discussed films (largely for the wrong
reasons), and I was sure even before I saw it that it was destined to
be this year's most hated film. Again, largely for the wrong reasons.
So I wanted to rush out and see it quickly before I heard too much
about it from the people who hate it for the RIGHT reasons. (and if
half of what I'd heard about the script was true, usenet would be
choked with these people)

I've been keeping an eye on _Battlefield Earth_ for a while,
and I don't really know why. I guess it's mostly the morbidly
attractive Scientology connection; if there was anything I was keeping
an eye out for while watching this, it was echoes of that _Scientology:
A New Slant On Life_ book I read a couple of years ago. (I don't know
how L. Ron Hubbard keeps churning out books, seemingly inconvenienced
by being fourteen years dead.) And reading people's opinions on the
film as it proceeded from script to screen, there seemed to be two
distinct camps: Scientology-hating people who had nothing nice to say
about it at all, but were so agenda-driven they were hard to take
seriously, and hilariously transparent Scientology shills (my favorite
of which actually said things like "Sometimes, clichés are the truest
things of all" and compared the film's detractors to the film's
villains). With star/producer John Travolta vehemently saying for a
LONG time now that this was NOT an ad for his church, I hoped he was
right and I'm trying, though not that hard, to look at this movie apart
from the Scientology connection.

(For the record, I really don't care one way or another about
Scientology or Scientologists past my instant knee-jerk reaction to
religion/corporations, despite how I found that book I mentioned to be
total crap from beginning [before the introduction!] til end. There
are weirder religions around, and I have to admit to a certain respect
for Travolta for being so forthright in the defense of his church in
the face of a lot of public hostility while other Hollywood
Scientologists just kinda dodge the question on that one, reaping the
rewards of its influence without taking any of the heat. And then
there's Jenna Elfman, don't get me started on Jenna "AIDS isn't a
disease, it's a state of mind" Elfman. Anyways, like I was saying, if
the worst crime this movie can be accused of is being a Scientology
propaganda vehicle, then it'll be in good company with any number of
other religious propaganda vehicles, many of which people keep
insisting are classics.)

Based on the unbelievably long Hubbard book of the same name
(never read it, never knew anybody who got even halfway through),
_Battlefield Earth_ opens up with the ominously cheesy subtitle "A Saga
Of The Year 3000". Barry Pepper as Johnny "Goodboy" Tyler; nice of Ron
to label his characters just in case you might be confused as to who to
root for. (admittedly, I don't remember him being called "Goodboy" in
the movie) Johnny is easy to call a caveman, since he lives in a cave,
but in actuality he and his people seem to be about on a technological
par with pre-Colonial American Indians (but they've got horses).
Johnny gets tired of living in the caves and heads off on his own to
seek greener pastures. He hooks up with some other cavemen and
eventually happens on the blasted ruins of a strange city called
Denver, which has been largely enclosed in a big glass dome. There, he
runs afoul of nine-foot Earth-dominating aliens called Psychlos,
specifically, their head of security, Terl (John Travolta). In the
book, I think they were ten feet tall. Ten feet, year 3000, Ron had a
thing for round numbers.

Terl has a use for this resourceful human; he wants to train
him to mine gold that's out in them thar hills. Just why a galaxy-
crossing alien species would value gold in particular, I don't know;
sure, it has its uses, but like diamonds, the only thing that makes it
REALLY valuable is that chicks love it. In working his insidious gold-
mining plan, Terl unfortunately unleashes doom upon his people's
stranglehold on the planet, for Johnny is inspired to lead a revolt
against the tyrannical aliens!

If you're thinking that this plot sounds a lot like that of
_Yor: The Hunter From The Future_, you're not alone.

Travolta's been trying to get a Hubbard book made into a film
for some time. I cannot really say what would be a better choice; when
I was a teen I read the whole _Mission Earth_ series (ten, yes ten,
very long books – I was young and thought that if it was THAT long, it
HAD to be good), but I'm not familiar with the rest of his work. I
hear his work most often dismissed as pulp, but pulp isn't a bad thing
if it's done well; even Harlan Ellison admitted that Hubbard wrote some
great pulp in his day, though I never did read any of it. (Ellison
singled out _Fear_, which had an admittedly intriguing premise and was
actually Travolta's first choice to be filmed) But if this movie is
any indication of the quality of its source material, this is one book
that viewers of the film are going to be quite unconcerned about
reading.

Screenwriter Corey Mandell was handed a difficult task, since
while I have no idea if he's a member of the Church of Scientology
(let's see...80-megabuck movie, but it's his first job writing on
spec...you do the math), surely Travolta was hovering over his shoulder
throughout his writing of this script, and his responsibilities in
adapting the novel must have been twofold. First, as little overt
Scientological philosophizing as possible was, again I'm just assuming,
to have made it into the script, because the world is gonna go over
this movie with an electron microscope looking for it and even the
Scientologists know they're just gonna catch hell if it's there. And
second, it's my understanding that actually altering the words of
Hubbard is tantamount to blasphemy in the CoS, so he had to remain word-
for-word faithful to the source material. (this unfortunately means
that the Psychlos keep calling people "rat-brain", and taking human
clichés and applying them to themselves by substituting "man" with
"Psychlo", and all these permutations on the word "crap")

I don't know how much like the book this movie is, but if
they're even remotely similar, I'm glad I've held off my morbid
curiosity for a read. (were it a shorter book I would already have
read it) As for the Scientology traces, there's not much but it's
there, mostly in the form of the Psychlos. For Scientologists,
psychiatrists are like the ultimate enemy, and the Psychlos represent
them in more ways than just their name. For example, they refer to
humans as "man-animals" and treat them accordingly, like the
stereotypical Scientological view of psychiatrists, motivating people
with Pavlovian reward systems.

Oh, the Psychlos are lame badguys, but they somehow manage to
look even worse. Imagine Klingons without the bumpy heads, but with
really tall ski boots. And noseplugs. Expect it to be a long time
before you hear the end of Battlefield Earth noseplug jokes. Psychlos
are a galaxy-hopping species that can conquer worlds, but still have
far worse oral hygiene than humans which have been living in caves for
a thousand years. The Psychlos are, astonishingly, more interesting
when they're speaking their native language and we can't understand
what they're saying. It is my sincere hope that the script refers to
this language as "Psychlobabble".

All this, and somehow, SOMEHOW, the character of Terl STILL
manages to come across as what must be a below-average example of his
species. The sheer, towering idiocy of this character gives him an
instant place of honor in the grand hall of stupid cinema badguys.
Where do I begin? His plan to loot this gold for himself is dependent
upon many things, not the least of which is blackmail he has on his
assistant (Forrest Whittaker); Terl actually shows this guy where he
keeps the videotape. Then he trains Johnny with a "teaching machine"
which is like the instant-upload thingy in _The Matrix_ (I'm still, to
my surprise, waiting for the claim that this rips off that film, though
such a claim would of course be way off-base). What does he aim to
teach Johnny? The Psychlo language - and yet, somehow, this comes (at
no extra cost) with information on Psychlo weaknesses, details of how
to destroy the Psychlo homeworld, you name it. Then he teaches Johnny,
in person, how to fly a Psychlo transport because he's going to leave
Johnny and his pals alone in the woods for two weeks while they gather
gold.

Things spiral even further into inanity from there, Terl only
briefly questioning why the gold they get (looted from Fort Knox) is
smelted, pressed into bars, and presumably has "U.S. MINT" stamped into
the underside. Terl is supposed to be head of security for the whole
planet (which does not appear to extend very far outside of Denver),
and yet the conclusions he draws about humans are hilariously silly.
Despite using them as slave labor regularly, he's so convinced that
they're too stupid to handle Psychlo firearms that he actually gives
Johnny one to demonstrate. He gets into a fight with his assistant as
to whether or not humans can fly. (in this rare instance, Terl is
right) Ancient satellite pictures of dogs riding in the back seat of
convertibles suggest to him that dogs were the dominant species on
earth, although he admits to having experience with them and notes
their uselessness. I think my favorite has to be the explosive neck
collar. How can you NOT notice that you're wearing an explosive neck
collar that's four inches thick?

Pepper is fine in his role, I guess, although this movie is
going to be hell for his fledgling career to recover from. Minor
players say their lines and look grateful to have their exits.
Whittaker looks deeply ashamed of himself. And Travolta turns in
possibly his worst performance ever, never believable for half a
second, VERY often giving us his "evil laugh" which is the fakest,
worst evil laugh I've ever heard. Poor Travolta has believed in this
project from day one, and even though his performance sucks, you can
see on screen that he's totally unaware of the fact that this movie is
terrible.

Hilariously stupid actions on the part of characters aside
(since we can always just argue that the characters ARE stupid), the
plot of this movie is so inane it's like it reaches a new level of
summer sci-fi absurdity. Harrier jets, left sitting around for a
thousand years without oiling, work perfectly, ditto a flight simulator
with a mysterious power source. (think you could train a group of
fifteenth-century American Indians to fly a Harrier within a week?)
The Psychlos language-teaching device teaches Johnny Euclidian
geometry, which Johnny refers to by just that label; from this, we can
only conclude that the Psychlos learned this from Euclid just like we
did. Then it teaches him to read English. (although it's not entirely
necessary, since if you squint at the written Psychlo language, it
becomes clear that it's just stylized English and standard Arabic
numerals) By the end of this movie, even the bitterest ID4-hating
curmudgeon is likely to cry out to it "Come back! All is forgiven!"

_Battlefield Earth_ is directed by Roger Christiansen, and boy
does he do a sloppy job. He keeps tilting his camera at 45 degrees,
and every scene change comes with the same center-to-sides wipe, which
gets old really fast. Action scenes are clumsy at best, like our first
scene with a Psychlo which barely shows us what's going on; at worst,
they're like that one where Pepper just runs in one direction while
Psychlos demonstrate all the firearm accuracy of bad guys on The A-
Team. There's one scene where Terl demonstrates his cruelty on a herd
of cows; if you blink, you'll miss just what it is he's doing, and if
you don't, you'll probably bust a gut laughing at these placid "Moo!"'s
in the background.

This movie isn't a total crapwagon (one permutation on the word
"crap" which is unfortunately left unused by the script), and a few
moments slow (but do not prevent) its slide into atrociousness. I
liked the jet- and transport-flown trips over domed Denver, and there
are a number of lines which appear to be intentionally amusing. ("I'm
not going to put 'killed by man-animal' in my report!") But stuff like
this can't buoy the film for very long, and at most point, it sinks
under its own preposterousness.

This is gonna tank and tank BAD; a sequel (covering the second
half of the book; this film only covers the first) is (according to
Travolta) in development as we speak, though I suspect that's one
project that'll mysteriously dry up, leaving Travolta to hem and haw a
lot like Garth "Yes, we're still planning to make the movie!" Brooks in
the wake of the colossal failure of his Chris Gaines project. Now that
I've actually stared this hopelessly, bizarrely awful movie in the eye
and come out intact, what I'm curious about now is how Travolta is
going to a) live it down, and b) keep claiming that it's a good film,
because I don't see Scientology's most vocal living proponent ever
admitting the obvious on this one. If changing Hubbard's words is
blasphemy, what would calling bullshit on them be? I almost feel bad
for Travolta. Almost. It took him sixteen years to get out from under
_Saturday Night Fever_, and that's considered a GOOD film. God help
the man getting out from under this.

As for the Church of Scientology, their interest in this film
is mostly in that they hope for it to arouse interest in Hubbard's
writings, and thus bring people in that way. Again, I almost feel bad
for them, because by making them even more the laughing stock, this
movie is going to do more damage to them than any accusations of the
sinister could ever do. I've even heard there are subliminal messages
in this movie, which I doubt but I do hope is true; that would only add
to this movie's sure-to-be-enduring bizarro mystique.

Since this movie is going to crash and burn, living on only in
infamy for a VERY long time (much like _Dune_ and _Highlander II_), I
wouldn't feel too guilty about tossing a few bucks at it and seeing it
for yourself. Oh, it's horrible, and it doesn't even earn points for
being so astonishingly awful that it's unlike anything you've ever
seen, like _Armageddon_ did. But eventually, you're going to want to
know what it is people are making fun of. If you're not curious, then
save yourself and stay away; if you are, won't you want to be able to
join in on the conversation when people are asking whatever happened to
John Travolta?

--
-Brian J. Wright
"Bone meal, better than no meal at all!" -GWAR
550 REVIEWS AT THE CAVALCADE OF SCHLOCK:
http://www.geocities.com/tyrannorabbit


Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.

MST3KPIMP

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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I knew this was bad news when I saw the Trailer back in January. Travolta with
the Boogers cumin out of his nose.. And the that incredibly stupid laugh which
was to invoke fear? I didnt even know about the Scientology connection but it
just looked so incredibly tacky and a total miss in the realm of Sci fi.. I
think people are seeing why Travolta went away in the first place.. Go fly
planes John not make crappy movies. pimp

LArry Stanley

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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In article <8fi6nr$6k7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>, Tyrannorabbit
Some very good stuff about a very bad movie.

I really wanted to like this movie. I have been waiting for it for a
long time. I loved the book, in fact, I am reading it for the 3rd time
now.

When I found out they were doing just the first half of the book, I
figured this would be fine. They could keep the excitement going for
most of the film. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

I could not believe how many movies they stole from.

MAtrix, Superman, I was a Teen Age Caveman, ID4...I swear the list was
endless. On top of that, the crappy makeup job on Travolta...everyone
else looks like Klingon or Star Wars rejects, but ole Johnny looks
pretty good.

The film was a waste from the beginning. Even the human patriotism that
was so prevalent in the book was missing.

To me, Yor was a great film compared to this piece of crap.

LArry

WideScreenPig

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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On Sat, 13 May 2000 02:59:07 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com>
wrote:

Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where
exactly?) in SEVEN days. The proper words have yet to be invented to
fully and properly describe the sheer dumbness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
It defies you to suspend disbelief at every turn. Brian Wright
compared it to ARMAGEDDON, but I don't think that's exactly right.
ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.

______________________________________
WideScreenPig


"We have front row seats for this
Theater of Mass Destruction. The
Demolitions Committee of Project
Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns
of ten buildings with blasting
gelatin. In two minutes, primary
charges will blow base charges, and
those buildings will be reduced to
smoldering rubble. I know this
because Tyler knows this."

Tyrannorabbit

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
to
In article <391cfe95.209659553@news>,
ws...@home.com (WideScreenPig) wrote:

>
> Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
> love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
> spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
> Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where
> exactly?) in SEVEN days. The proper words have yet to be invented to
> fully and properly describe the sheer dumbness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
> It defies you to suspend disbelief at every turn. Brian Wright
> compared it to ARMAGEDDON, but I don't think that's exactly right.
> ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
> mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.

A very qualified comparison; _Armageddon_, I thought was awful and
couldn't go thirty seconds without demonstrating that, but I could see
why it would be a hit. This...as I said, it's gonna tank. As
pessimistic as I can be about the moviegoing public, I don't see them
swallowing this movie.

FrMerrin

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
to
On Sat, 13 May 2000 06:16:40 GMT, ws...@home.com (WideScreenPig) wrote:

>On Sat, 13 May 2000 02:59:07 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com>
>wrote:
>
>>In article <8fi6nr$6k7$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>, Tyrannorabbit
>>Some very good stuff about a very bad movie.
>>
>>I really wanted to like this movie. I have been waiting for it for a
>>long time. I loved the book, in fact, I am reading it for the 3rd time
>>now.
>>
>>When I found out they were doing just the first half of the book, I
>>figured this would be fine. They could keep the excitement going for
>>most of the film. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.
>>
>>I could not believe how many movies they stole from.
>>
>>MAtrix, Superman, I was a Teen Age Caveman, ID4...I swear the list was
>>endless. On top of that, the crappy makeup job on Travolta...everyone
>>else looks like Klingon or Star Wars rejects, but ole Johnny looks
>>pretty good.
>>
>>The film was a waste from the beginning. Even the human patriotism that
>>was so prevalent in the book was missing.
>>
>>To me, Yor was a great film compared to this piece of crap.
>>
>>LArry
>

>Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
>love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
>spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
>Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where
>exactly?) in SEVEN days. The proper words have yet to be invented to
>fully and properly describe the sheer dumbness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
>It defies you to suspend disbelief at every turn. Brian Wright
>compared it to ARMAGEDDON, but I don't think that's exactly right.
>ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
>mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.

Do you remember about twenty years ago when the Scientologists were going to
take us all over ? Then they faded into the background and the Moonies were
going to recruit us all into service. Nowadays, cults don't seem to have that
international ambition, they just lock the door and top themselves.

Mike

FrMerrin

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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Excellent review, Brian. While we may have our occasional differences, you write
about terrible films with great style !!! I really want to see it now, though.

Mike

synthuser

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
to
WideScreenPig wrote:

> ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
> mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.

<LMAO!!!>

--
http://www.sonic.net/~bnsdias/page5.html

Chris Owen

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
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In article <391cfe95.209659553@news>, WideScreenPig <ws...@home.com>
writes

>On Sat, 13 May 2000 02:59:07 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com>
>wrote:
>
>Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
>love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
>spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
>Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where
>exactly?) in SEVEN days.

I kind of liked the way everything was conveniently labelled, like
"FLIGHT SIMULATOR", "DYNAMITE", etc. It probably isn't a coincidence
that Scientology also believes in sticking labels on everything in
sight.

--
| Chris Owen - chr...@OISPAMNOlutefisk.demon.co.uk |
|---------------------------------------------------------------|

wild damonials

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
to

Tyrannorabbit wrote:
>
> In article <391cfe95.209659553@news>,

> ws...@home.com (WideScreenPig) wrote:
>
> >
> > Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
> > love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
> > spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
> > Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where

> > exactly?) in SEVEN days. The proper words have yet to be invented to
> > fully and properly describe the sheer dumbness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
> > It defies you to suspend disbelief at every turn. Brian Wright
> > compared it to ARMAGEDDON, but I don't think that's exactly right.

> > ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
> > mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.
>

> A very qualified comparison; _Armageddon_, I thought was awful and
> couldn't go thirty seco


armegeddon was a specacular but vapid film.


as bad as people think bay is, he's quite good at getting people
emotionally involved in films.

--
"I bruise the air,
with little sharp words as grey as stones."
Area, "Our Corner Drowning"

Martin Nike

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May 13, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/13/00
to
> I really wanted to like this movie. I have been waiting for it for a
> long time. I loved the book, in fact, I am reading it for the 3rd time
> now.

I'm sorry, but you're demented.

Seek help!


Jeff Leach292931

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
to
It is totally possible that John Travolta could kill his resurgent career with
this turd. Not that I really care. There's always a Kotter reunion.


Jeff Leach

"I'll kill you and I'll kill your families. And I'll do it in pieces."

Drug dealer Donatelli from "An Innocent Man"


Lynch4ever

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
to

I read the book several times when I was in junior high. Don't know what I'd
think of it now.

jason

Cheryl Deering

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
to

Tyrannorabbit wrote:

> (I don't know
> how L. Ron Hubbard keeps churning out books, seemingly inconvenienced
> by being fourteen years dead.)

Now, now--that hasn't stopped V. C. Andrews, neither--g!

C.
**


Martin Nike

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
to
>
> I read the book several times when I was in junior high. Don't know what
I'd
> think of it now.
>

Unless you're demented, you'd think it was unreadable crap!
Having said that, "Fear" by L.Ron is an interesting book. Mercifully
small, as well. His writing style was terrible, but he did seem to have
some ideas in his noggin.

alex crouvier

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
to
people with emoticon buttons instead of something more human


"wild damonials" <dcru...@mdo.net> wrote in message
news:391DB152...@mdo.net...

Homer

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
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Interesting review. It raises a few thoughts:

1) Psychlo chicks probably do like gold. It seems like a universal
chick thing.
2) If the thingie tought Johnny Be Good or whatever the hell he's
called Euclidian geometry, then how to read English, he would probably
know it was called Euclidian geometry in his language. Sounds like the
screenplay accidentally got one right.
3) The director's a Buddhist, so it's safe to assume that this was a
'grab the cash' project for him.
4) The good guys on the A-Team couldn't aim worth a damn, either.
5) Scientologists are like Disney; they never admit failure. I wouldn't
be surprised if there WAS a sequel.
6) I hope that this DOESN'T destroy Travolta's career, since I like a
lot of his work. He just needs to stop the 'one good film and three bad'
ratio that he seems to be locked in.
7) Of COURSE I have to see a film this bad. I don't even have to worry
about sending bucks to the Hubbard-hags; I read my old roomie's
Scientology books for free, so I'm ahead of their game.
--
"It's all right. Just a simple nerve reflex reaction." --Doctor in
PATRICK,
explaining why the supposedly dead title character has just leapt out of
bed
screaming and crashed into a glass cabinet across the room.
Homer
aka Home...@yahoo.com

wild damonials

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May 14, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/14/00
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alex crouvier wrote:
>
> people with emoticon buttons instead of something more human

oooh! buttons! pretty!

LArry Stanley

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May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
In article <391cfe95.209659553@news>, WideScreenPig <ws...@home.com>
wrote:

> On Sat, 13 May 2000 02:59:07 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com>
> wrote:

> >
> >To me, Yor was a great film compared to this piece of crap.
> >
> >LArry
>

> Never read Hubbard, never particularly wanted to. But you've gotta
> love the balls of a movie that posits, without question, that
> spear-chucking cave dwellers can teach themselves to fly 1000-year-old
> Harrier jump jets (using flight simulators that get power from where
> exactly?) in SEVEN days. The proper words have yet to be invented to
> fully and properly describe the sheer dumbness of BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
> It defies you to suspend disbelief at every turn. Brian Wright
> compared it to ARMAGEDDON, but I don't think that's exactly right.
> ARMAGEDDON was an ignorant film; BE can more accurately described as
> mentally retarded. It's like watching the Special Olympics.
>

> ______________________________________
> WideScreenPig
That was the great thing about the book. It gave a time reference that
was almost (almost) believable for the training of the humans. The
movie could have done the same thing, but I think they copped out for
some reason.

Personally, I think if your life is on the line, you could learn almost
anything in 7 days. But learning to pilot a Harrier in combat is
pushing it a bit.

I mean, I could do it, but I am modest, and don't want to admit that.

The book was better.

LArry

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
In article <9ocqhsgnng75j5bdf...@4ax.com>, FrMerrin
> Do you remember about twenty years ago when the Scientologists were going to
> take us all over ? Then they faded into the background and the Moonies were
> going to recruit us all into service. Nowadays, cults don't seem to have that
> international ambition, they just lock the door and top themselves.
>
> Mike

Well, I am going to start my own religion. We will follow a combination
of christianity, zen and worship of the ancient god Janus. Let me know
if anyone want in on the ground floor...

Uhm...wants salvation as soon as possible. Yeah, that sound better.

Reverend LArry

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
In article <20000513221040...@ng-mb1.aol.com>, Lynch4ever
<lynch...@aol.comnospam> wrote:

> >> I really wanted to like this movie. I have been waiting for it for a
> >> long time. I loved the book, in fact, I am reading it for the 3rd time
> >> now.
> >
> >I'm sorry, but you're demented.
> >
>

> I read the book several times when I was in junior high. Don't know what I'd
> think of it now.
>

> jason

I am having a hard time finishing it. I got past the first 600 or so
pages, then I started having trouble. I keep picking out back issues of
Miracle Man to read.

Much better.

LArry

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
In article <T8yT4.1127$2k.1...@nnrp4.clara.net>, Martin Nike
<si...@clara.net.NOSPAM> wrote:

> >
> > I read the book several times when I was in junior high. Don't know what
> I'd
> > think of it now.
> >
>

> Unless you're demented, you'd think it was unreadable crap!
> Having said that, "Fear" by L.Ron is an interesting book. Mercifully
> small, as well. His writing style was terrible, but he did seem to have
> some ideas in his noggin.

I'm sorry; when I read Fear, I was very disappointed. Actually,
everything else I have ever read of his was boring and rather silly.
Fear was so unsurprising, it shocked me.

LArry

Fred Q

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
From what I read in the book ( I did about 400pages before forgetting about
it), the Terl character is a lot like Soltan Gris from Mission earth. He is
so overconfident that he clearly makes mistakes that are apparent to the
reader. He also thinks that he is way smarter than everyone that he is in
contact with. Battlefield Earth definately had a bit of the sense of humor
that was in the Mission Earth Series (I read about 6 of those before I got
burned out).
Anyway, Considerint that you are the only person that I have ever talked to
that finished Mission Earth, how did it end?

Tyrannorabbit

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to
In article <6aYT4.63524$g4.18...@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net>,

"Fred Q" <fre...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> From what I read in the book ( I did about 400pages before forgetting
about
> it), the Terl character is a lot like Soltan Gris from Mission earth.
He is
> so overconfident that he clearly makes mistakes that are apparent to
the
> reader. He also thinks that he is way smarter than everyone that he
is in
> contact with. Battlefield Earth definately had a bit of the sense of
humor
> that was in the Mission Earth Series (I read about 6 of those before
I got
> burned out).
> Anyway, Considerint that you are the only person that I have ever
talked to
> that finished Mission Earth, how did it end?

Man, it's been so long...all I remember about the end was that,
remember how at the beginning of each book was a map of earth
punctuated with many notes insisting that EARTH DOES NOT EXIST?!?!?
Well, at the end of the series, our alien hero (I don't remember his
name, I wouldn't even remember that there was a character named Soltan
Gris if you hadn't just said so) saves the earth by convincing his
people that it doesn't exist.

Rev. Evil Ed

unread,
May 15, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/15/00
to

Normally, I'm not one to listen to film critics. However, there is
something to be said when the majority of critics I've found are
blasting a film as hard as they're blasting this one. I plucked some
of the funnier review snippets from Rotten-Tomatoes.com. Check these
out:

"So overwrought, overacted, and overwhelmingly inept that it must be
seen to be believed."
-Nuvo Newsweekly

"Battlefield Earth should be shown only at maximum-security prisons
when a prisoner is tossed in solitary for bad behavior."
-Filmcritic.com

"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has
needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in
a hostile way."
-Roger Ebert

"Average story. Awful score. Awful sound effects. Awful editing.
Awful sound. Average visual effects. Godawful scenery chewing
acting. If ever a movie was meant to be shown at midnight, it is this
one."
-The Cranky Critic

"Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the
kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights."
-The Orgonian

"Battlefield Earth is dumb."
-Dallas Morning News

"Battlefield Earth has the feel of a movie made by a precocious 8-year-
old with access to too many leftover costumes from Clan of the Cave
Bear and Star Trek: The Next Generation."
-Citysearch

"A noisy, chaotic, sloppily edited and embarrassingly banal and
derivative saga."
-Detroit News

"Battlefield Earth is just a lumbering, poorly photographed piece of
derivative sci-fi drivel, full of grunting extras scampering around in
animal pelts and more dank, trash-strewn sets than I ever care to see
again."
-Entertainment Weekly

"The words 'so bad it's good' strain to make themselves heard through
the film's coarse bluster and grimy din."
-Newsday

"In the post-apocalyptic adventure genre, Battlefield Earth makes
Waterworld look like a masterpiece."
-L.A. Times

"Sitting through the summer's first monolithic monstrosity, Battlefield
Earth, was one of the most painfully excruciating experiences of my
life."
-Sacramento Bee

"And after about 20 minutes of this amateurish picture, extinction
doesn't seem like such a bad idea."
-NY Times

"Battlefield Earth saves its scariest moment for the end; a virtual
guarantee that there will be a sequel."
-Washington Post

"You don't watch it, you survive it."
-Denver Post
(my favorite so far)

"If filmmaking has ever been less thrilling and more disengaging, I'd
like to see it."
-San Francisco Examiner

"The dialogue is inane, the acting is wooden."
-Newsweek

"Younger, less discriminating viewers (5-year-old boys) will eat it up."
-Mr. Showbiz

"Battlefield Earth falls short of even being a guilty pleasure."
-11th Hour

"How did this stinkbomb get made?"
-Film.com

"This movie could not be stupider."
-The Daily Herald

"It's so unbelievable and egregiously bad, you have to wonder if they
really meant it to turn out this way."
-Need Coffee.com

"Big budget, little-intelligence entertainment."
-Popcorn

"Okay, folks, we've got a winner for worst film of the year, and the
year isn't even half over yet."
-Greenwich Village Gazette

"Kevin Costner should send a thank-you note to the producers of
Battlefield Earth because they have single-handedly eclipsed the
memories of Waterworld and The Postman for post-apocalyptic bombast."
-Fox News

"At about the one hour mark, a portion of the audience split the scene
and I don't blame them. They were fed-up with being taken for complete
and utter morons."
-Jam! Showbiz

"It will no doubt take a place of honor in the proud pantheon of "What
Were They Thinking?" cinema, right alongside The Postman and Howard the
Duck."
-Culturevulture.net

--
Rev. Evil Ed (evi...@NOSPAMwaste.org)
(remove NOSPAM to reply)

"I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have
tried to behave decently without any expectation of
rewards or punishments after I'm dead."
-Kurt Vonnegut

Fred Q

unread,
May 16, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/16/00
to
I am glad that I gave up reading it when I did ;) Although, I remember the
first book being really funny.

FQ

Jeff Gauld

unread,
May 16, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/16/00
to
On Mon, 15 May 2000 20:32:18 GMT, Rev. Evil Ed
<evi...@my-deja.com> wrote:

>
>"Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the
>kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights."
>-The Orgonian


I wish I had written that.


-----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =-----
http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----== Over 80,000 Newsgroups - 16 Different Servers! =-----

Chris Owen

unread,
May 16, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/16/00
to
In article <Dn8hOdCij4IqR+...@4ax.com>, Jeff Gauld
<jga...@norlink.net> writes

>On Mon, 15 May 2000 20:32:18 GMT, Rev. Evil Ed
><evi...@my-deja.com> wrote:
>
>>
>>"Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the
>>kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights."
>>-The Orgonian
>
>
>I wish I had written that.

You know, the reviews are actually better entertainment than the
original film. Maybe BE wasn't a total waste of time after all?

Jeff Gauld

unread,
May 16, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/16/00
to
On Tue, 16 May 2000 18:50:13 +0100, Chris Owen
<chr...@lutefisk.OISPAMNOdemon.co.uk> wrote:

>In article <Dn8hOdCij4IqR+...@4ax.com>, Jeff Gauld
><jga...@norlink.net> writes
>>On Mon, 15 May 2000 20:32:18 GMT, Rev. Evil Ed
>><evi...@my-deja.com> wrote:
>>
>>>
>>>"Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the
>>>kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights."
>>>-The Orgonian
>>
>>
>>I wish I had written that.
>
>You know, the reviews are actually better entertainment than the
>original film. Maybe BE wasn't a total waste of time after all?

I did say this to a friend in an e-mail. The only good to
come out of BE was the fun had in trashing it. Still I am
ashamed at how I wasted $9.50!

D'Oh!

Shane "Remo D" Dallmann

unread,
May 17, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/17/00
to
Hey, I originally had no intention of seeing it whatsoever....but AFTER
reading these reviews, I knew I had to "invest" $5.00 in a matinee.

I may be a masochist, but I feel like part of an exclusive club now...I even
held on to my (losing) sweepstakes ticket...
--
_____________________________________________

"What a day!"
The Baron--"Flesh For Frankenstein"
_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

______________________________________________
Jeff Gauld wrote in message ...

Jeff Gauld

unread,
May 17, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/17/00
to
On Wed, 17 May 2000 02:49:18 GMT, "Shane \"Remo D\"
Dallmann" <Shane.D...@gte.net> wrote:

>Hey, I originally had no intention of seeing it whatsoever....but AFTER
>reading these reviews, I knew I had to "invest" $5.00 in a matinee.
>
>I may be a masochist, but I feel like part of an exclusive club now...I even
>held on to my (losing) sweepstakes ticket...

Perhaps we should onsider starting a support group of some
kind. "Battlefield: EARTH survivors" or some such thing.

Hold me. Feel my pain. <sob>

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 18, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/18/00
to
In article <LM4iOfILl=EYd73pGJB...@4ax.com>, Jeff Gauld
<jga...@norlink.net> wrote:

> On Wed, 17 May 2000 02:49:18 GMT, "Shane \"Remo D\"
> Dallmann" <Shane.D...@gte.net> wrote:
>
> >Hey, I originally had no intention of seeing it whatsoever....but AFTER
> >reading these reviews, I knew I had to "invest" $5.00 in a matinee.
> >
> >I may be a masochist, but I feel like part of an exclusive club now...I even
> >held on to my (losing) sweepstakes ticket...
>
> Perhaps we should onsider starting a support group of some
> kind. "Battlefield: EARTH survivors" or some such thing.
>
> Hold me. Feel my pain. <sob>
>
>

I think it would be best if we just let the whole thing fade into
obscurity.

SWBoyett

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to

> Well, I am going to start my own religion. We will follow a combination
> of christianity, zen and worship of the ancient god Janus. Let me know
> if anyone want in on the ground floor...

I'd rather join Alan Sherman's religion. His only has one commandment: "Thou
shalt not stuff 37 tennis balls into thine toilet."

Check it out (if you can find it): "The Rape of the A*P*E (American Puritan
Ethic)(The Unofficial History of the Sexual Revolution)" by Alan Sherman;
published by the Playboy Press. Alan Sherman is the '50s comedian who wrote
the song "Hello mother, hello father...".

If you should find a copy of this historic work, it should only be read in
the company of a competent psychiatric staff because the book is extremely
mind-warping!

Stan Boyett a.k.a. "Sap"
za...@bellsouth.net

SWBoyett

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to

Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield
Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?

Stan Boyett
za...@bellsouth.net

Geoff

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
On Sun, 21 May 2000 20:55:18 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com> dropped into this here newsgroup

>>You know, I'm pretty good at this. That's what scares me. :-)

Larry, it's not the fact that you're good at it that should scare you. It's
the fact that there are a bazillion knuckleheads out there who will willing
accept your statements as bald fact.

THAT'S the scary part.

Regards,
Geoff "Remember what Babbitt said."

"Words, words. They're all we have to go on."
--Guildenstern, in Tom Stoppard's "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead"

Geoff

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
On Mon, 22 May 2000 08:08:09 -0500, "SWBoyett" <za...@bellsouth.net> dropped into this here
newsgroup
>>

>>Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield
>>Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?

No! You'd been warned already!

Regards,
Geoff "Mr. Tough Love."

Dr Walpurgis

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
SWBoyett wrote:

> Alan Sherman is the '50s comedian who wrote the song "Hello
> mother, hello father...".

# Hello muddah...hello faddah,
Here I am at...alt.horror.
Group is very...entertaining,
Would be more-so if the Scots could stop complaining... #

--
"Oh, the times we have to live in . . . TAXI!!!"
Lucio Fulci - QUELLA VILLA ACCANTO AL CIMITERO
http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/3390/


LMCorp

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
You sat through the whole thing too? How about I slap you on the back of
the head if you slap me on the back of the head. ho boy.

> Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield
> Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?
>

> Stan Boyett
> za...@bellsouth.net

Eric F.

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
SWBoyett wrote:

> Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel > so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?

If you saw the matinee, you're forgiven... ;)

Later,

Eric F., Film Freak

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
In article <X9aW4.2536$dR1....@news4.atl>, SWBoyett
<za...@bellsouth.net> wrote:

> > Well, I am going to start my own religion. We will follow a combination
> > of christianity, zen and worship of the ancient god Janus. Let me know
> > if anyone want in on the ground floor...
>
> I'd rather join Alan Sherman's religion. His only has one commandment: "Thou
> shalt not stuff 37 tennis balls into thine toilet."
>
> Check it out (if you can find it): "The Rape of the A*P*E (American Puritan
> Ethic)(The Unofficial History of the Sexual Revolution)" by Alan Sherman;

> published by the Playboy Press. Alan Sherman is the '50s comedian who wrote


> the song "Hello mother, hello father...".
>

Truly an excellent comedien. I have always loved his work. He had
another song, "My Son the Vampire" or something like that.

The man was a genius.

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
In article <39294c0c$0$73...@news.voyager.net>, Geoff
<gbur...@erinet.com> wrote:

> On Sun, 21 May 2000 20:55:18 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com> dropped
> into this here newsgroup
>

> >>You know, I'm pretty good at this. That's what scares me. :-)
>
> Larry, it's not the fact that you're good at it that should scare you. It's
> the fact that there are a bazillion knuckleheads out there who will willing
> accept your statements as bald fact.
>
> THAT'S the scary part.
>
> Regards,
> Geoff "Remember what Babbitt said."

Yes, Geoff. That does scare me. A lot.

The only comfort is the thought of what those donations will buy. Rolls
Royces, an air conditioned dog house. Ass shaped hedges and a heart
shaped swimming pool.

Of course, all of those things will be needed for my ministry.

LArry
>

LArry Stanley

unread,
May 22, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/22/00
to
In article <39297690...@aracnet.com>, Eric F. <er...@aracnet.com>
wrote:

I did not pay for it, and I still feel dirty.

LArry

the damoned

unread,
May 23, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/23/00
to

Geoff wrote:
>
> On Sun, 21 May 2000 20:55:18 GMT, LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com> dropped into this here newsgroup
>
> >>You know, I'm pretty good at this. That's what scares me. :-)
>
> Larry, it's not the fact that you're good at it that should scare you. It's
> the fact that there are a bazillion knuckleheads out there who will willing
> accept your statements as bald fact.
>
> THAT'S the scary part.
>


scary and wonderful at the same time.....

hmmmm.....

--
George W. Bush has vowed to overrule FDA approval
of a cancer fighting drug. Apparently McCain's not the only
one soft on fighting cancer.

John Donaldson

unread,
May 23, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/23/00
to
LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Truly an excellent comedien. I have always loved his work. He had
>another song, "My Son the Vampire" or something like that.
>
Written & performed as the title song for the U.S. release of the 1952
British film "Old Mother Riley meets the Vampire" with Arthur Luncan..

The U.S. release was 1963.

(IMHO) very tired cheese......the film, not the song

KSK

unread,
May 23, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/23/00
to
In article <pnaW4.2560$dR1....@news4.atl> , "SWBoyett"
<za...@bellsouth.net> wrote:

>
> Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield
> Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?
>

> Stan Boyett
> za...@bellsouth.net
>
>

1. You may have a hug.

2. Your filth can be mitigated -if- you paid for another film and sneaked
into "BE."

3. Take a really hot shower with lots of soap. It'll help.

_______________
Kevin S. Kirby
k...@airmail.net

The Brisket in Your All-You-Can-Eat, Texas-Sized, Bar-B-Que Buffet of Love


M Merced

unread,
May 24, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/24/00
to

SWBoyett <za...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:pnaW4.2560$dR1....@news4.atl...

>
> Hi, I'm Stan...I...I...(sob)...I sat through *all* of "Battlefield
> Earth"...(sob) (moan)(snort)...I feel so...*dirty*! Can I get a hug?
>
> Stan Boyett
> za...@bellsouth.net
>

I had a morbid curiosity to see it, so that years from now I could say where
I was when it happened.....just like the JFK assassination, or the
Challenger accident. People that weren't around when Battlefield Earth
opened will never understand us, those few(the operative word), who had to
endure the gutwrenching horror. The movie will live in infamy.

>

Paul Hager

unread,
May 24, 2000, 3:00:00 AM5/24/00
to
LArry Stanley <ufb...@yahoo.com> writes:

>In article <X9aW4.2536$dR1....@news4.atl>, SWBoyett
><za...@bellsouth.net> wrote:

>> > Well, I am going to start my own religion. We will follow a combination
>> > of christianity, zen and worship of the ancient god Janus. Let me know
>> > if anyone want in on the ground floor...
>>
>> I'd rather join Alan Sherman's religion. His only has one commandment: "Thou
>> shalt not stuff 37 tennis balls into thine toilet."
>>
>> Check it out (if you can find it): "The Rape of the A*P*E (American Puritan
>> Ethic)(The Unofficial History of the Sexual Revolution)" by Alan Sherman;
>> published by the Playboy Press. Alan Sherman is the '50s comedian who wrote
>> the song "Hello mother, hello father...".
>>

>Truly an excellent comedien. I have always loved his work. He had
>another song, "My Son the Vampire" or something like that.

>The man was a genius.

True enough...

On the subject of starting up a religion, this is my opportunity to
once again inform the cyber-world of the religion I started back in the
1970s. I call it THE CHURCH OF GOD THE NAKEDLY SINGULAR. It is based
upon the quantum mechanics of black holes. I discussed it at some
length several years ago on the alt.atheism newsgroup.

To my great surprise, a number of years after I started up my religion,
a physicist named Frank Tipler offered up something he called Omega-Point
Theory, based upon a closed universe collapsing to a singularity.
Needless to say, I was shocked to find that there was a heretic spreading
a false religion (I was also surprised since I wasn't serious and Tippler
apparently was).

--
paul hager hag...@cs.indiana.edu

"I would give the Devil benefit of law for my own safety's sake."
--from A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS by Robert Bolt

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