Date: Thursday, October 12, 2000 5:58 PM
Subject: Fw: Holiday Party
Sad, but true.
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols . . .feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often
coincides
with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table . . you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy
to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?
**************************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date:December 4
Re: Holiday Party
I have just recieved a very polite interoffice memo from the
McKitricks
who, it turns out, are Mormons. Since these fine and upstanding people
have
somethign called a "word of wisdom" which prohibits tea, coffee, and
alcoholic beverages, as well as colas and Mountain Dew, it occurs to
me that
we will change the egnog to milkshakes, and non alcoholic milk shakes
at
that.
This holday party is really shaping up nicely, now. I wonder if our
former CEO might be able to be Santa, he really has a very nice, rich
laugh.
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
It has been brought to my attention that certain members of the
"green
party" object to the outdoor pig roast, since the charcoal and oak
fire will
have to be lit with kerosene, and that there is no catalytic converter
or
smoke stack scrubber mounted on the chimney of the grill. We have
checked
with EPA, and found that such older equipment may be grandfathered in,
if
the smoke stack is higher than 20 feet above the prevailing height of
the
neighboring buildings, and if the usage is occasional and
noncommercial.
I took a copy of the reply email to Luigi's last night, and showed
it to him. Luigi showed me his old Naval tattoo (you really should see
how
nicely the colors have remained from his old Navy days. He has a very
handsome anchor, and a lifelike Marilyn Monroe, on his left butt
cheek.
Luigi then demonstrated that he can use Navy language and tone, both
in English and Italian. I sensed that he was unhappy about something.
I
couldn't quite make out what he was saying. His wife kept crying and
holding
his arm, and begging him not to have another heart attack. When I
suggested
that I have the EPA guy come down to the grill to talk with him about
the
smoke stack regulations, his wife picked up very large knife, and
waved it
at me, while pointing to the door. I realized I was missing ER, and so
I
left. I hope he can have the smoke stack modified in time.
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
We have been considering having a pork roast, along with the beef
and
kabobs, and plenty of french fries. However, I've been informed that
pork is
not Kosher, and so our fine Jewish members of the company won't be
able to
enjoy this. It also has something about cloven hoofs, though I've
never used
cloves (or left the hoofs on) when I am preparing pork. In any case,
our
fine Muslims won't be able to enjoy this.
I am thinking more along the lines of a buffet style dinner with
something for everyone. Certainly, everyone likes buttered rolls,
french
fries, and tunafish on crackers?
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how
a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the
end
of
the party. The days are so short this time of year. Or else package
everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from
the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
rest
rooms. Did I miss anything?
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice what do you expect me to do,
a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning
of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll
try
to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up
like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan,"
there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep
this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you
can
sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
when
you
slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right
now!
********************************************************
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 12
RE: Holiday Party
I have sadly been informed that the butter on the rolls will affect
several members of our company who are lactose intolerant. We have
made
arrangements with Luigis to serve only corn oil based margarine, which
will
mean that y ou can leave your Lactaid home, you will be in no danger
from
lactose as you drink your milkshakes and eat cheese and crackers.
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 13
RE: Holiday Party
I am simply going crazy with this impossible task. I wish all of you
idiots would just simply jump off the tallest building and get it over
with.
Why don't you take your pork roast, corn oil margarine, and non
alcoholic
milk shakes and go to Paris and get out of my life! You have got to be
the
rudest and most intolerant group of people I have ever met. Our CEO is
not
plump and jolly, he is a big fat bowl of lard, and really needs to go
on a
diet. And you people are really making me sick with all your whining
and
complaining. All right, you have had enough pampering, I am going to
serve
alcoholic flaming pork legs with butter and whiskey and coffee, and I
tell
you I am going to serve it at high noon, and without a blessing by any
priest, elder, or rabbi. Anyone who doesn't like this is just going to
have
to tough it out, I am THROUGH with you people. And where did I put my
Extra
Strength Midol, anyway? Who is the pimple faced mealy wormed shit that
hid
my Midol? God, I could just shoot your ass.
************************************************************
******
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to
her
at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full
pay.
Jane
______
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