The Horror of finding a Penis in your Breakfast Cereal

[federal.police...@usfederal.gov]

The Horror of finding a Penis in your Breakfast Cereal....

* This is an Official Warning Message *

Dont get too worried, this only occurs in approximately 100 households
per year in America. While the odds are against this happening in
your home, remember it can happen.

The frightening part is that the owners of these penises are never
found. One morning you wake up, crawl out of bed to the kitchen
table, and find a severed and bloody penis buried in the milk beneath
your corn flakes.

You scream at your wife, and soon discover that she knows nothing
about the arrival of this penis. It's as if they just fall from the
sky, penetrate your roofing and ceiling, and intentionally drop into
your bowl of cereal.

The good news is that no man or woman has even been known to die from
accidentally eating this penis in their cereal. They are edible, even
if they are never desirable. They are most often consumed by men who
wake up with hangovers from too much drinking the night before.
Either way, they generally cause a man to have a bad day, and make him
conterproductive on the job. This effect alone can have serious
implications if the penis finder happens to be someone of importance
in society, such as the President or other leader of a country or
nation. Just one cereal penis in the bowl of a leader could lead to a
world war, and kill millions of people all around the world.

If you ever find a penis in your breakfast cereal, call 911
immediately and notify local law enforcement. Be sure they begin an
investigation to find the suspect(s) responsible. This plague
continues to trouble Americans and others around the world each and
every year. This will not stop until the guilty party is found.

Do your part to stop cereal penises.

Here are several suggestions from investigators.

1. Contact the authorities as soon as you find a penis in your cereal
bowl.

2. Install a surveilance camera in your kitchen and have your cereal
bowl in clear view of this camera at all times.

3. Monitor everyone who enters your home, being sure to check their
police records and know their full legal name and mailing address.

4. DO NOT allow salesmen, solicitors, or anyone you do not know into
your kitchen at any time.

5. If you MUST hire a plumber, electrician, or anyone else in the
construction business to work in your kitchen, have at least two
persons watch them at all times while they are working, and video
everything they do.

6. DO NOT toss any penises in the trash. If you find one in your
cereal bowl, DO NOT remove it. Just dial 911, and do not touch it.

7. DO NOT panic. It's ugly, but it's not going to jump out of your
cereal bowl and attack you. Keep your cool, dial 911 and leave the
kitchen until the police arrive.


Together we can put an end to Breakfast Cereal Penises.