OT: BBQ'ing satire (aka Brandon's satire gets re-published)
Lethal Injectn
thought I would post his satirical, tongue-in-cheek look at the American
passion for BBQ'ing. It just got republished in an LA-based paper (S. Calif.
is his home turf) and I'm in a hugely affectionate, mushy mood so either click
on by or read what I think is a very witty piece:
=====================================
"Pyromania and the Great American Pastime
by Brandon XXXXXXXXXX
After a long and inexorable sabbatical, spring has arisen once again in the
glade. Winter has finally decided to slowly gyre and gimble into the wabe once
more. The birds are chirping, those tender green shoots are jutting forth from
the rich soil, and the IRS has begun gently rapping, rapping at your chamber
door. It’s that time of the year when every man, be he old, young,
middle-aged, or biologically defunct, pulls out the old grill and “We love
the Chef” apron while the kids scurry off to the garage to grab the tongs and
fire extinguisher. The wife puts 911 on speed-dial, makes sure the life
insurance is up to date and hoses down the roof tiles. Yes, folks! Barbecue
Season has now officially begun.
Barbecuing has long been an American tradition steeped in lore and occult
mysticism since the dawn of time when the first Homo Neanderthal set his
chest-hairs on fire while trying to roast a few mammoth kabobs over an
open-flame. Every year the call of primordial instinct beckons like a fine
high-pitched dog whistle and no man can ignore its cry. At the drop of a hat we
will stop everything and rush to our garages to pull out that revered holy
relic handed down from father to son since the dawn of SEARS: The Barbecue. We
all know what I’m talking about. It’s that time when Dad gets that gleam in
his eyes that you only see in the corneas of presidential candidates,
environmentalists, revolutionaries, and raving lunatics. One minute he’s
diligently mowing the lawn, performing open-heart surgery, or watching World
Championship Figure-Skating on the tube; the next he’s strapping on the
spatulas, apron, first aid kit and fire-retardant asbestos shield. It’s as if
he has suddenly metamorphosed into a whole different person. He doesn’t
recognize you anymore. You are merely another pawn in his grandiose scheme to
grill the perfect hamburger and anything else that’s remotely flammable.
Don’t even think about trying to stop him. He’s gone completely mad with
delusions of power and lighter fluid. Just back off, leave him alone, and toss
him that bag of Chernobyl-grade charcoal.
There are certain unspoken rules that one must follow when at the grill. You
can’t just do any old thing your way. What do you think this is Burger King?
As every master chief grill-man first class knows, the fuel with which one sets
one’s grill ablaze is the most important aspect of professional barbecuing.
Anything less than industrial-grade charcoal with mesquite chips or uranium 235
is considered heresy and is punishable by death or in extreme cases, remote
control deprivation. Some of you out there might even wish to argue the case
for “gas” grills. Let me tell you something, gas grills are for wussies.
This of course, I quote directly from the words of our first president himself,
the esteemed George Washington, who stated at the Post-Revolutionary War
victory barbecue: “My fellow country men, closet loyalists, and bovines. Gas
grills are for wussies…and furthermore, I did not chop down that cherry
tree…”
While the consensus on barbecue fuel is highly inflexible, the method of
grilling, on the otherhand, is quite diverse and varied according to the
barbecuer’s own personal preference. In fact, in some parts of the country it
has boiled down to a fine art. Competing schools of thought and instruction
have popped up all over the country with various disciplines of grilling. One
such example is the Two-Hand Grill Ryu School founded by wandering Buddhist fry
chefs, which specializes in the art of simultaneous flipping and the Fiery-Palm
Method of grill ignition. Each year, hordes of spectators turn out for the
National Barbecue & Burn Prevention Tournament to watch these daredevil grill
masters show off their deadly array of culinary skills and pyrotechnics. Forget
Baseball. Forget Football. Forget Shuffleboard. Barbecuing is fast becoming the
great American national pastime. Nowhere on earth can one watch grown men set
themselves and nearby foliage ablaze AND receive a meal gargantuan enough to
feed a small country at the same time. Yes, my friends…only in America.
Barbecuing has gotten so big; in fact, that it has been predicted to supplant
Bingo and Strip Poker as the number one favorite thing Americans enjoy most by
the year 2005. This is a far cry from several centuries ago when fine
barbecuing was limited only to the powerful, wealthy and clergy. Even that was
confined specifically to ultra-special occasions such as royal state dinner
parties and the burning of heretics at the stake.
So how has this ancient trend propelled itself into the forefront of modern day
Americana and claimed such a significant piece of the great national pie, you
ask? Barbecuing as a serious discipline is said to have begun somewhere around
the 4th and 5th century BC as a nomadic tradition specific to the
middle-eastern/Saharan regions of what is now modern day Saudi Arabia and
Detroit. Warring nomadic desert tribes, through much research and deliberation,
would stake their captured foes to the ground and allow the refreshing rays of
the treacherous desert sun to bake the bodies to a nice brown crisp or on much
lazier days they’d just simply burn them at the stake. However, it wasn’t
until the consolidation of the desert tribes by Saladin Musharef Bayabar, III,
Sultan of Izbehkistan in 241 AD that barbecuing actually caught on as something
other than a form of slow, painful torture. The Sultan, after having observed a
tribe of cannibals devouring the barbecued remains of their enemies, hit upon a
brilliant idea. Barbecuing could also be used as a method of cooking food! This
would soon pave the way for hundreds of Internet start-ups promoting non-lethal
barbecuing for the common nomadic household. Unfortunately, the Internet had
not yet been invented. Thus, most of these fledgling companies wound up failing
miserably, indirectly causing the great economic depression of 247 AD.
It was also around this time that King Richard the Poultryhearted, the ruling
monarch in England by default and bribery, decided that it was high time
somebody began a Crusade and got those lazy loafing knights to do something
productive for once. Thus began the legendary Quests for the Holy Grail,
Teacup, Saucer and Holy Bedpan. In 272 AD, at the sacking of the Great Library
of Alexandria in Egypt, thousands of ancient texts on the art of Barbecuing
were destroyed by roving bands of dyslexic Knights Templar and the art of
barbecuing was thought to have been lost forever. Fortunately, a few of the
sacred texts survived the fire and were brought back to medireview Europe by an
order of the Knights Nerdicus Scholasticus. Along with the use of spices and
salting methods brought back from the Crusades, barbecuing soon began to catch
on in the great royal courts of Western Europe and its colonies abroad. In
1492, Christopher Columbus and crew discovered Palm Beach, Florida. After a
botched vote over a mutiny by disenfranchised sailors delayed the expedition
for a few months, the Nina, Pinto, and Cadillac Bonneville finally set sail
once again and discovered the Bahamas. The tourism industry was suddenly
thriving and in no time a small Internet start-up called SEARS-Roebuck & Co.,
which had somehow miraculously survived the Great Depression of 247 AD, began
importing barbecue grills to the Americas.
The barbecue soon made its indelible mark on the British colonies abroad,
specifically on the American continent. It would play a tremendous part in the
final days of the Revolutionary War in the Thirteen Colonies of the British
Empire. The Continental Army, entrapped by a terrible blizzard in the depths of
Valley Forge, tested the durability of the barbecue grill to its limits. Entire
defensive barriers and heat ovens solely constructed of barbecue grills were
devised to fight the extreme frigid conditions and repel the British onslaught.
The Thirteen Colonies won their independence with the signing of the
Declaration of Incontinence in 1776, and thus stamped the barbecue into the
annals of history for all time. From the periods between 1789 to the tragic
beginnings of the American Civil War in 1861, the art of grilling began to
slowly lose its hold upon the interests of the American populace. It wasn’t
until the advent of the old ironclads on Feb. 6th, 1862 that the barbecue
reemerged into the American psyche. History retells of the taking of Fort Hood,
a Confederate stronghold, by four great Ironclads under the command of General
Ulysses S. Grant, USA, and Commodore Andrew H. Foote, USN. Hurling hot
uranium-tipped charcoals from two .55mm barbecue grills, one each, mounted on
the starboard and aft sections of the Union vessels, the outgunned fort fell
before Confederate reinforcements could arrive. The barbecue grill had again
proven itself, without a doubt, in the field of battle and beyond.
It would, however, have to prove itself once more and with brutal finality
decades later with the rise of the Third Reich (version 6.0) and the advent of
the Second World War; from the invasion of Poland, New Jersey in 1939 to the
last major allied offensive in the Bahamas at Midway in the summer of 1945. On
Sept. 17, 1944 in tandem with the last massive allied airborne assault in
Arnhem, Holland called Operation Market Garden, allied forces air-dropped
hundreds of thousands of hot barbecue grills upon the heads of unsuspecting
axis troops causing massive property damage, migraine headaches, and
indigestion.
With the end of the Second World War, the barbecue returned once again to its
traditional role as culinary device and art form. In the years to follow it
would reach the height of its popularity and finally seal its claim on
mainstream American culture. The 1960’s were a time of strife, confusion,
hippies and barbecuing. Nature was in fashion and outdoor grilling was the
latest craze to hit the American middle-class family. Then came Woodstock and
everybody forgot about the barbecue as they stumbled around in strange
hallucinogenic hazes whilst mumbling incoherently amongst themselves about
magic dragons named Puff and Strom Thurmond. Finally, in the late 1980’s, the
Internet was created and Americans embarked upon a new Fiber-optic Revolution
into the 21st century. Suddenly thousands of long dormant Internet start-ups
that had failed centuries before under the Great Depression of 247 AD, sprung
up like Green Peace at a Captain Ahab harpoon christening party. Through
diligence, around the clock telemarketing, and crowbar-enhanced persuasion
tactics these “new companies” helped to permanently etch barbecuing into
the American Psyche once and for all.
That, folks, is how we came to stand here today in our “We Love the Chef”
aprons with spatula in hand and fire extinguisher at the ready. Thus ends the
great saga on the illustrious origins of the Barbecue and the art of grilling.
So when dear old Dad gets that twinkle in his eye and nervous twitch in his
upper left temple, just steer clear and remember it’s tradition. Well,
don’t just stand there! Hurry up, man. Toss those briquettes onto the fire
and start up your grills! It’s Barbecue Season!
About Brandon XXXXXXXXXX
Brandon XXXXX is a freelance writer, military analyst and professional pokemon
trainer. After having served time in service as a certified bullet sponge for
US corporate interests, he was struck by a brilliant idea and decided to join a
traveling dance troupe and circus. Having colossally failed at improvisational
dance and finding himself hopelessly unemployable in any real career; he soon
settled upon the writing profession. A literary genius in his own mind and
within two feet of his own desk, you can usually find him outside mucking it up
with the locals and holding a "Will Write For Food" sign. Did somebody say
Pikachu!?
Jean Sue Libkind
lethal...@aol.com wrote on 9/19/03 3:40 PM:
> the Knights Nerdicus Scholasticus
One can only imagine their shield..... have at it, Andy.
js
Andy.3rd
Shield: Gyronny of eight sable and gules on a chief argent three books shreded
gules overall an excutcheon argent charged with a dunce cap sable enflamed
For Crest: Arising from a wreath of the colors a gauntlet or holding erect a
sign or lettered sable "What-Me Worry?"
For motto: Flambus Ninius Semper Fi
WARNING TO NEW READERS: The poster known as Karen Martin has shown herself to
be grossly misinformed and unreliable concerning Royal matters. She also
pretends to be current on things British and to know more than people who live
there. Be Wary.