Most "Unsexy" Men and Women on the Planet?

[Coco]

1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to
Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing, but that still can't
save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what
Kryptonite is to Superman.

2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour,
Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled off into a
squad car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis
Nixon?

3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn't
<censored> him.

4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who
is also a bald-headed <censored> is downright horrid.

5. Prince Charles: Not really fair, since he clearly got a good swat
with the ugly stick through no fault of his own (the entire family is
homely). With a horse face and one eye, this 90 pound weakling dumped a
darling for someone of the same species (we think). Grrrrr!

6. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad
hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since
the dawn of music.

7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM.
Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.

8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn't on the
list). But this 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass-murdering douche-bag is not
getting any style points.

9. Jay Leno: "It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a
good way," was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed
comic.

10. Don Imus: "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but
not in a good way," was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of
skin and bones.

Okay, I'll admit this was just a ruse to list the most unsexy women on
the planet, not that I notice such things. But if I did, the list would
include:

1. Helen Thomas: It's almost unfair to even mention her. I hope no one
is reading this just before intimacy. I could have just ruined a few
marriages.

2. Madeline Albright: Arrg! I did it again. Sorry.

3. Janet Reno: You'll never get that loving feeling back. Remember that
time Janet Reno threw that net on Charleton Heston and he said, "Get
your paws off me you damn dirty ape!?" That was awesome.

4. Camilla Parker Bowles: All the taxpayer's money in the world cannot
buy pretty! Kind of like Alfred Hitchcock in drag. Goooood Evening! She
fecked off with another member of the list. Giddy up!

5. Richard Simmons: Not fair that it's on both lists, but I thought I
would throw a bone to the confused. Even they have to have a list of
those they wouldn't go near. I'm sure Richard is at the top.

Now, the main rule for this list is that no amount of beer or tequila
mixed with Viagra and steroids would ever make these women attractive.

My Mind is Clean.