O/T - 21st Century Sex Dictionary
Rick in Oz
iteid=50143_headline=-THE-SEX-LEXICON-name_page.html
THE SEX LEXICON Mar 3 2004
Bill Borrows
IT USED to be so simple, but the language of love in the 21st century is
growing more impenetrable by the week.
As a service to readers who find themselves bewildered by terms such as
roasting, dogging, piking and chubby chasing, BILL BORROWS presents his
concise dictionary to some of today's bizarre sex jargon.
ACROTOMOPHILIA
THIS is a sexual preference for those without a full set of limbs, amputees
usually. Traditionally, there are "devotees" and "wannabes".
The former are dedicated to the pursuit of sex with people unable to either
skateboard or perform handstands without the use of a prosthetic aid.
The latter actually want to become amputees. As one case study from the John
Hopkins University in Baltimore reported: "One man, fairly well known within
the fraternity, has shot off his right leg with a shotgun. His only regret
now is that he did not do it years sooner."
BRANDING
A BIT of a new entry in the body modification charts. Branding does exactly
what it says on the tin. Admittedly at the extreme end of BDSM (bondage,
discipline and sado-masochism), it involves the use of a branding iron. And
is believed to be extremely painful.
CHUBBY CHASING
THIS is popular with both homosexuals and heterosexuals and is based on the
enduring sexual attraction of plump sexual partners. It was, in the minds of
most practitioners, a black day when Victoria Wood and The Great Soprendo
eventually called it a day. Nicole Kidman is not regarded as desirable by
most people in this category. Kate Winslet is borderline.
DOGGING
SUDDENLY very fashionable, this activity usually takes place in suburban car
parks - or near beauty spots such as Alderley Edge in Cheshire. A couple
will arrange to be in a certain place at a certain time and post the
information on one of the "dogging sites" on the internet.
Subsequently, gentlemen whose wives believe them to be walking the dog
(perhaps the reason for the name), will turn up and take some measure of
enjoyment from the spectacle. "Piking", otherwise known as "passive
dogging", involves spectators watching the doggers working out.
EPROCTOLAGNIA
THERE is no delicate way to put this, but fans of the practice delight in
the by-products of flatulence. Particularly popular in the Netherlands and
Germany (along with several other things we are unable to print in a family
newspaper), it remains something of a niche pastime in the UK. And we should
be grateful for that.
FLUFFER
(See also: Worst job in the world)
THIS is somebody employed on a porn film to make sure that the male lead, if
you will, is constantly and therefore visibly entertained off screen. Also
used to describe a woman who excites a man with no intention of going to the
next stage.
GLORY HOLE
AH, yes. Well, this would be the practice of inserting an extremity into a
hole in the wall in a public toilet. Initially conceived by the "cottaging"
fraternity, this is now popular with those who are prepared to stand flat
against an MDF partition with their life in somebody else's hands.
HARMATOPHILIA
HARD to define. Depending upon the source material, it is either a "penchant
for partners who are useless in bed" or, according to the Encyclopedia Of
Sexual Records, "fear of sexual incompetence or making a mistake". It really
rather depends upon which side of the fence you fall.
INFANTILISM
IMAGINE a High Court judge wearing a nappy and being fed heated milk from a
bottle by a Romanian prostitute in an exclusive block of flats in Mayfair.
And then winded while he talks about his unrequited love for his nanny.
JEMIMA SUIT
NOTHING to do with Playschool. I can only quote from The Sex Book by Suzi
Godson: "[A Jemima Suit is] A leather or rubber suit with holes over the
erogenous zones." Your imagination will have to do the rest.
LIPSTICK LESBIAN
THIS is a monstrous conceit perpetrated by the people who put together
glossy smutty magazines of the type that change hands for vastly inflated
sums on school buses. The women in the pictures are "acting".
Proper lesbians, as I'm sure most of us are aware, favour haircuts
championed by the Grenadier Guards and/or play football for the Doncaster
Belles.
QUEENING
THE act (usually undertaken by a woman) of sitting on a man's head as though
it might be a throne. The woman will usually be fully dressed. It is
designed to underline who is in charge and is believed to have been very
popular with ex-public schoolboy Cabinet ministers during Margaret
Thatcher's time as Prime Minister.
RAMPANT RABBIT
SINCE they were first advertised in the Sunday Times as "Personal Massage
Devices" they have... ahem, come full circle. Sex And The City has made the
Rampant Rabbit the first celebrity vibrator, but if Ann Summers sold a
million PMDs last year, think about this: at least one very close friend has
either bought or seen one in the last month.
REFLECTOPORN
THE practice of putting naked pictures of oneself on the internet by making
sure that the photograph of the item you are selling on e-bay has a
reflective surface. Believed to have been started by a naked man taking a
picture of a stainless steel kettle (NB: if photographing a spoon, bear in
mind you will appear upside-down).
ROASTING
FORMALLY referred to as "Spit-Roasting". The pre-match warm-up as favoured
by overpaid, over-sexed, idiot Premiership footballers. Typically, the
dramatis personae will include the midfield playmaker, a star striker and a
starstruck nightclubber. And then up to half the youth team. Suffice it to
say the young woman concerned will be caught in the middle and more busy
than either of them.
XENOPHILIA
THIS is a bit like dogging and involves being sexually attracted to
strangers. Occasionally referred to as "Doing a Ron Davies." Try to resist
going to cash tills.
ZOOPHILE
PEOPLE who really like animals more than the rest of us. The non-militant
wing are called "Furries" (and they like to pretend they are animals), the
extremist faction are called "Zoophiles". And they like having sex with
animals.
A celebrated recent case involved 23-year-old Stephen Hall from Hull. He was
sent to prison for six months for being caught in a compromising position
with a goat in front of a train-load of commuters on their way to
Bridlington. His defence counsel claimed it was a "spontaneous act".