Popbitch 158: "Sir Henry von Hasselhof"
Jaime Jeske
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|_| |_| 01.04.03 *ISSUE 158*
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Email: he...@popbitch.com
* Pump up your labia
* Hammer Time in the Gulf
* Charts: Room 5 still number one
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>> Getting Whiggy with it <<
What happened to the one-hit lovely?
Anyone know what Whigfield's up to these days?
Saturday Night was a hit way back in 1994.
We've had a report from a stag night in
Copenhagen where a groom swears he got a
"fantastic" blowjob from a professional lady...
whom he then recognised as Whigfield.
Can't be true, can it?
Email he...@popbitch.com
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Pandas compete with each other to see who can
take a piss highest up a tree.
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>> Hot new cosmetic surgery! <<
Girls - get yourself a pair of nuts
Labia reduction, parts tightening and asshole
bleaching are old hat in LA now. The new
genital modification to boast about is Labial
Saline Infusion.
Saline is injected into the labia to swell them
up, so a woman can feel what its like to have
bollocks. And if the clitoris is also injected,
a small penis too. The swelling lasts for
several hours.
http://www.bmezine.com/extreme/free/cmhurt/labial.html
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What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and
a sperm? One comes from Baghdad, the other comes
from Dad's bag.
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>> Big Questions <<
Gay Hollywood special
Which sci-fi action star controls his weight
between movies through a rigorous programme of
vomiting, amphetamines and gym training? He's
gay but can't come out as he fears the studios
wouldn't back him so he lives a sad fake life
in which he feels increasingly uncomfortable.
Which litigious leading man likes to spend time
in London because he's got a black male lover
stashed away in a cheap flat here in the capital?
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We hear from Kuwait City that sex-starved male war
hacks are getting their only "relief" by watching
the lingerie segments on Fashion TV.
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>> Injunction Bitch <<
The unbeautiful game
It's harder and harder to print stories about
footballers these days, as they're so keen
to use their lawyers. So we're sticking to
bringing you the stories in their own words:
"It's getting harder to play away" - Michael Owen.
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US military briefings in Qatar take place on a $250k
set, designed by David Blaine's art director, George
Allison. It cost $50,000 to fed-ex from Chicago.
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>> The Golden Light Of Ricky <<
Bastard amber and cosmetic chocolate
Ever wondered how Ricky Martin always looks
shiny and golden in interviews? Well, its
because his people always bring specific colour
gels to put over the lights for his TV
appearances. The gels are called "cosmetic
chocolate" and "bastard amber".
Ricky also has a painting which has to be used
as his interview backdrop. Its grey with orange
flecks - It's designed to bring out his skin
tone and highlights on camera.
Anyone know what Ricky's doing now?
email he...@popbitch.com
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American Idol charity record: What The World Needs
Now Is Love has been ditched in favour of I'm
Proud To Be An American/God Bless The USA.
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>> Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em <<
Admiral Keating: can't touch this
At the start of Gulf War II, US Naval Rear
Admiral Timothy Keating of USS Constellation
found a novel way to encourage his troops
on to war.
He got everyone together on deck, played
Queen's We Will Rock You really, really loud,
and announced...
"It's hammer time!"
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In Gulf War I, we hear the most popular songs were
Chesney Hawkes' I Am The One And Only, and Oleta
Adams' Get Here. So Enrique's Hero is not so bad.
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>> Celebrity parasites <<
No 34: the positioner
Mariah Carey has a "Positioner" on her staff.
He accompanies her everywhere, and his only job
is to get her into the right position every
time she's on camera.
(FYI: her correct "position" while doing interviews
is: leg nearest camera out straight, other leg bent,
one arm over chair/sofa, tits out, pointed at camera.
Watch next time and check)
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Claire from Steps has finally found her place in life
- starring in I'm In The Mood For Dancing, a musical
based on the Nolan Sisters. With Lionel Blair.
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>> Hot Vixen Nuns.... ZZZZZTTTT! <<
Pervy pensioner goes out in style
Manfred Lubitz was a German pensioner who moved
to a Spanish holiday resort in search of a more
exciting life. Unfortunately his search for
thrills lead to him electrocuting himself last
week with a home-made sex toy.
Manfred wired himself up to a gadget which
had a vibrating mat, massage pads and electrodes
attached to his genitals, and then settled back
to watch porn movies while receiving an electric
jazzing.
His body was found by the local police. "There
seems to have been a power surge while he was
watching a film called Hot Vixen Nuns," they
said. "The flat was damp."
Prior to his death, Lubitz boasted to friends that
his Orgasmatron, named after a sex machine in
the Woody Allen film Sleeper, "was better than
a woman, and a lot cheaper".
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Two pandas in San Diego Zoo have surprised keepers
by having sex three times in one day. Normally they
live in Geri Halliwell-esque chastity.
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>> Madonna [hearts] Zaldy <<
Old drag queen buys clothes from old drag queen
Madonna is unveiling a new fashion direction.
She's just bought up the debut collection
from New York designer Zaldy.
Zaldy is a former vogueing drag queen who now
lives in the Chelsea Hotel. She was the drag
queen featured in the gender-bending Levis
taxi advert in 1995. And used to design
outfits for RuPaul.
(FYI: you can see Madonna wearing Zaldy in the
new issue of Nylon)
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Moroccan government has offered 2000 trained
monkeys to US to help detonate landmines. Bet
they're useless and just hump each other.
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>> War Pigs <<
Make time for swine
Belgian actor Benjamin Verdonck protested against
war by living in a cage with a pig for three days,
in a museum in Ghent.
Verdonck said: "I'm very troubled by the many
conflicts in the world, especially the one
between Iraq and the USA. And because humans
can't tell me what is really going on, I'm
trying to find an answer from a pig."
The performance was called "I love America and
America loves me."
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Notorious BIG is billed as executive producer on
Lil Kim's new album. Biggie died March 1997.
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>> Let's go crazy... <<
... Prince is back!
The Prince Revival starts here? Time Warner are
secretly re-editing and adding songs deleted from
Purple Rain, in a secret Arizona studio.
The new songs are believed to be Electric
Intercourse, Extra Lovable, These Things, Take
Me God! and The Dance Electric.
Prince seems to have cooled down from his
dispute with label Warners, and is even talking
of recording an album of 80s-style new material
ready for the cinema release of Purple Rain:
The Truth next summer.
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Clubbing is dead, part 234... even London superclub
Fabric appears to have gone into administration.
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>> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
Otters, body parts, sick bags
Great TV coming soon: Queer Eye for a Straight Guy
Gay men get to makeover a straight guy - teaching
him personal grooming, fashion, food and wine,
etiquette, culture and interior design. Creator
David Collins says: "its not about gay or
straight. We all want to look good, feel good
and have great shoes, of course."
Sick Bags virtual museum:
http://www.airsicknessbags.com/
Buy us a chocolate otter:
http://www.otterbaygifts.com/shop/singles/1024.htm
Still time to bid for Brian Backstreet's BMW:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2409163204
Which one of Justin Timblerlake's body parts
are you? Popbitch is Justin's chest: a smooth
operator and well defined.
http://www.jujucrew.com/quiz/justinbp/index.html
First synopsis of popbitch - the movie:
http://www.lazycinema.com/
David Hasselhof has a lovely new puppy called
Sir Henry Von Hasselhof:
http://www.davidhasselhoff.tv/puppy.html
>> Chart predictions <<
New entries for Sunday 6th April
++ Number One
ROOM 5 Feat OLIVER CHEATHAM Make Luv
Excellent cover artwork on Oliver's last album:
http://www.xs4all.nl/~mroyen/oliver_cheatham02.htm
++ Top Ten
ATOMIC KITTEN Love Doesn't Have To Hurt
Written by The Bangles' Susanna Hoffs, the tart.
AVRIL LAVIGNE I'm With You
Brian May and Busted spotted at
Avril's London gig this week.
++ Top Twenty
MARIO J Just A Friend
16 year-old Clive Davis prodigy
from Baltimore.
EVE Satisfaction
Producer Dr Dre's career was launched in late
1980s when in return for $900 from Eazy-E to
pay parking tickets he agreed to produce
a record for him.
++ Top Forty
JESSY Look At Me Now
Belgian dance, aided by Reggie and
Filip, the men behind Milk Inc.
ROOTS The Seed (2.0)
Won a grammy for the 1999 album
Things Fall Apart.
SAINT Show Me Heaven
Maria McKee cover: Maria's brother
Bryan co-founded Love with Arthur Lee.
ROC PROJECT Never (Past Tense)
DJ Ray Roc features Tina Arena on vocals.
Tiesto remix is best.
>> End Bit <<
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Old Jokes' Home:
Two residents in an old people's home are
getting it on when the woman stops and says
to the old man,
"I think I ought to warn you that I've
got acute angina".
The old man looks at her and says:
"Yeah and your tits aren't bad either"
Still bored?
Why not join the army? Check out the FAQ -
(includes "Can I go straight into the SAS when
I join?", "Which soldiers are issued with night
vision goggles?" and "I have a number of
convictions - can I still join up?")
http://www.metafaq.com/faq/mycamouflage/armyjobs
Jaime