The Day
carrie_miaway
(after I became an orphan).
It all began on a day not unlike this one which is saying something
because this is a weird day. But anyway, a small child was playing in
the park. The horses frollicked in the meadow and the sound of
laughter drifted through the air as a large family celebrated the
birthday of a loved one. It was as I reflected on the incredible
lightness of being that I became mysteriously overcome by the sheer
beauty of the moment that I decided that SOMEONE MUST DIE.
That's right, I looked around myself at the joyous happy
people and realised that it just wasn't right and ONLY I
COULD MAKE THINGS BETTER.
Removing a large butcher's knife and a pump-action shotgun from my
waist coat pocket I began to work my way through the assembly, laying
waste to anyone who seemed to be TOO happy, as I put it when later
questioned by police and unfortunately for the people gathered and I
now realise for my defense in court, as it was a very nice day and
most people without severe mental or personality disorders could not
help but grin manically because of the love and warmth that engulfed
the moment.
Had it not been for a sobering moment when I saw the pain on the
faces of one of my younger victims I may have even let the rest live
but instead I realized that most were already badly injured and would
most probably live out their days as cripples or at least would have
heavy scarring and be unlikely to be found very attractive in the
wider community so I continued to maim and slaughter until the moans
and whimpers faded away and the only sound that was left was the
gurgling of blood and the baying of the horses. Minutes later there
was only the gurgling of even more blood now and the scene felt so
much more peaceful.
I was released on probation after the judge gave me a suspended
sentence, saying that it obviously wasn't my fault because I was
clearly psychotically disturbed and didn't really mean it. I have
given up my life of mass killing as I have found a new love to replace
the void that my bloodlust episodes used to fill, so I now live a
peaceful existence in the wilderness where I feel at one with nature
and feel that I am finally coming to terms with what so many have
describe as an idealic upbringing that I could never blame my problems
on. So I thought I would just share what has been described as a
turning point in my life ...
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Our web site has our portfolio on it, and if you have any questions
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And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to earn BIG BUCKS at
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for the absolute best in racy girlie pics which probably won't get you
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Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Clique Theory
Good morning, students. Today, I am going to outline an exciting new
aspect of theoretical physics. It concerns the behaviour of particles
when interacting with neusgroupinos: also called Tantrum Mechanics.
This is CLIQUE theory.
The particle in question is officially called the T+ particle, but is
known colloquially as the Troll. Trolls often come in bonded pairs,
the troll and the antitroll. These pairs behave oddly: sometimes
reinforcing one another, sometimes cancelling each other out.
Occasionally a troll loses its antitroll partner and can then behave
quite unpredictably, according to the rules of chaos: firing off
random quarks (known as "posts") in an attempt to bond with a new
antitroll. The existence of trolls was first proved by Heywood Jablome
in his famous "double-prat experiment", or the "experiment with two
morons".
Trolls, whether bonded to antitrolls or not, also interact with
neusgroupinos. Neusgroupinos are stable hadrons with a tendency to
resist interaction with trolls. As far as the troll is concerned, this
resistance comes about through the neusgroupino's outer shell, or
CLIQUE (I will explain the etymology of this term later). CLIQUEs are
generally impervious to trolls, unless the troll has a particular
"spin" that conforms to the already-existing structure of the
neusgroupino. Most trolls possess either "top" or "bottom" spin as
well as other "strange" or "charmed" characteristics. For instance, a
given neusgroupino may interact with "charmed, bottom" trolls, but not
"strange, top" ones.
If a CLIQUE resists interaction with the troll, this can again cause
unpredictable activity. The troll may fire off quark/posts in an
attempt to break down the integrity of the neusgroupino. These bursts
of activity do not last long. Eventually, the troll decays, although
many are more persistent than others.
However, I have not yet touched upon the most interesting part of this
theory at all, the element that reveals the central mystery of Tantrum
Mechanics. It is this: *the CLIQUE only exists from the "perspective"
of the troll*. From within the neusgroupino, particles are free to
come and go. Indeed, the "outer shell", the perceived CLIQUE, is not a
unified, integral and impervious entity at all. Many particles are
quite free to interact with the neusgroupino, regardless of spin, as
long as they do not take on the specific characteristics of the troll.
It is impossible to state with certainty whether or not a given
particle internal to the neusgroupino is in this outer shell at any
given time or not. This is known as *Lyons' Uncertainty Principle*.
Hence the derivation of the term CLIQUE: an acronym for CLearly
Imaginary QUantum Entity.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
*Notice* To Mike H.
Dear Mike H.
Your repeated requests for this newsgroup to participate in flaming
you were brought before the Advisory Council of the Alt.Punk Board Of
Directors on July 15, 2001. Although the council appreciates that you
have a genuine wish to be flamed, it was decided unanimously that your
request would be denied.
The Council regrets its decision, but upon examining your requests it
was discovered that you had not consulted the Manual for Flame
Requests (3rd edition, approved Jan.1, 1998) and therefore, you did
not follow the required protocols.
For your information, should you wish to file a formal flaming request
at a future time, please note that these procedures must be adhered to
and documented for the council to consider your application;
a. Write your request on plain white paper. Please ensure that you
include a return address and phone number where you can be reached.
b. Fold the paper neatly in half.
c. With your left hand, press said paper against your forehead.
d. Using a hammer and four (4) 2" galvanized nails, secure it firmly
at each corner.
When you have submitted documentation supporting that the above
procedures have been met, the Council may reconsider your request.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: mike h
Subject: Re: *Notice* To Mike H.
Organization: RoadRunner - Central Florida
lmao.....alt.punk has a council ...huh? i know the guys at
rec.sport.jetski have decided to email complaints about me to my
isp...heehehe....losers...
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
>
> lmao.....alt.punk has a council ...huh? i know the guys at rec.sport.jetski
> have decided to email complaints about me to my isp...heehehe....losers...
>
My presence has been requested at the
next New York City alt.punk summit.
I fear they may try to bugger me
but I shall adhere their decision
as should you and nail that paper
to your noggin'.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Physics Hotline...
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Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
* Statistical variance of +/-0.5% on all Physics predictions.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Homemade Anti-Theft Device
This inexpensive little trick deters the junkie
scumbags from coat-hangering your door lock button
up and rifling through yout car interior, looking
for stuff to sell.
First, go to a local fishing tackle dealer and get
some good strong (saltwater) 1/0 or 2/0 treble hooks
(three hooks welded like a small grappling hook, but
sharp & barbed). In bulk, they come in packages of fifty
for about five bucks. Get the ones with the closed "eye".
Get some 60lb. test single strand wire, ten yards
is plenty.
Now you can rig the anti-theft device and this one is
better than having lojack. Take about a dozen of the
big treble hooks, you can sharpen them with a wetstone
if you want for maximum effect, but this isn't nessecary
as they are pretty damn sharp already....so be careful
from now on.
String about a foot of wire on each hook "eye" and
twist them on with like fifteen or so twists and
trim the twisted end nice and short (close to the
lead wire).
Okay, now here's the fun part: take the hooks to
your car and hang about seven of these rigs under
each front seat; hang them at various distances
from the floor to the bottom of front seats. They
should not touch the floor, though.
Hang them by twisting the free end of the wire to
the thick wires that form the seat frame at random
points about the grid (of thick seat wires).
Now you should have about fifteen mini-booby
traps hanging randomly under your front seats.
So when Mr. Junkie-man goes ripping your paint
apart with his coat hanger and then attempts to
feel under your seats for your cell phone or
wallet ........well, before the crack-head knows it,
he'll get a prick from one of the hooks, at this
point he'll attempt to quickly jerk his hand out,
because the prick startled his dazed mind.
The quick jerking of his hand will surely drive two
or three of the barbed treble deep into the tough
skin of the hand, effectively pinning the jerk to
your seat bottom and if you trimmed the wire end
nice and short, he will never untwist them himself
with his bare hands......hehe.
He'll be there when you come back to your car with
one hand bloody ripped and stuck to your seat bottom;
the dumbfuck won't even be able to stand up, so you
can kick his ass real good and kick his teeth and
punch his neck and slam the head into the door frame
and all sorts of fun stuff, till rendered unconscious.
Then take out your wire snips and cut the bastard
loose......leave the hooks in the hand, place hand
under tire and drive off, crushing the hooks into
the hand bones.
Well, there's a good anti-theft tip, and it only
costs about six bucks and takes about twenty minutes.
BTW, remember to never reach under the seat again yourself!
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Homemade Anti-Theft Device
From: fur...@aol.com (FuryGeo)
Wow!
Actually, while he's kneeling over by the car with is hands stuck
under the seats, slam the fucking door on his back and break it!
Just for fun!
GT
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: You might be an Ultrabean if.....
>
>I didn't
>really get it:
>>
subsitute other words that
mean "Ultrabean" like "transvestite",
"crossdresser", etc, then read it again.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
by Bob Gobworthy
You might be an Ultrabean if.....
If you buy the gallon size of acetone at the
hardware store because its cheaper than
nail polish remover, you might be an
Ultrabean.
If you've ever noticed that more than half
of the lingerie drying in the bathroom is
yours, you might be an Ultrabean.
If you have ever grabbed a metal file out of
your toolbox to file a broken nail, you
might be an Ultrabean.
If a woman has ever asked you where you
get your hair done, you might be an
Ultrabean.
If your significant other has ever asked to
borrow your best Kasper suit for her job
interview, you might be an Ultrabean.
If your significant other has ever asked you
for makeup tips, you might be an
Ultrabean.
If a cashier has ever told you that you have
your boyfriend's drivers license, you might
be an Ultrabean.
If you drive better in heels than your
significant other, you might be an
Ultrabean.
If you have ever had anyone ask you what
perfume you are wearing, you might be an
Ultrabean.
If you have ever looked for a cheaper
place to get your nails done, you might be
an Ultrabean.
If the discount dress store knows you by
name (drab or fem), you might be an
Ultrabean.
If you get preferred customer
advertisements in the mail from woman's
clothing stores, you might be an Ultrabean.
If you are afraid that the lace on your
panties will show through your slacks, you
might be an Ultrabean.
If you hope for a cold day so you can wear
a camisole under your sweater, you might
be an Ultrabean.
If you have tried to convince your
significant other that wearing pantyhose is
better than wearing insulated underwear
to work, you might be an Ultrabean.
If you have to try to get rid of a bikini tan
line before anyone notices, you might be
an Ultrabean.
If you have more colors of nail polish than
your significant other's manicurist, you
might be an Ultrabean.
If you have ever given your significant
other lessons on how to do her nails
better, you might be an Ultrabean.
If all the women in the office are mad at
you because you were the only one to get
flowers for Valentines Day, you might be
an Ultrabean.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Despite many requests, it was deemed that
displaying photographic evidence of my high
Buttocks Quotient (BQ) would be ill-advised, as
my buttocks are so well-formed and pleasing that
any viewer would surely either commit suicide out
of despair of ever having someone with a similar
BQ, or fall madly in love with me, which, due to
the number of ladies competing for my attention
already, could only lead to heartbreak.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Thirty-Three pounds of rye
From: -BFG- g...@life.loser
Christopher Adams says...
>
>> but the what the world really wants to know
>> is if you sucked his cock and if the Scotsman
>> enjoyed it.
>
>Worst haiku ever!
>
>--
>Chris Adams
>
Haiku poems consist of 5, 7 and 5
syllables in three lines. Okay,
so you want a haiku:
about that question
already know the answer
it's rhetorical
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Open letter to Trolls R Us
To whom it may concern:
I am writing to inform you of a noticeable
lack of quality in your recently dispatched
trolls (mike h, Charles Yuga) to alt.punk.
When alt.punk hired you as replacement
to our former supplier (NetPests PLC)
you gave us an assurance of quality
merchandise with a no quibble money
back guarantee. It is at this point I would
like to question your policy of sourcing
individuals for the job they do for you as
an agency.
Whereas our previous supplier would only
select individuals from the class "A"
asylums...it seems you are willing to drop
those standards as and when you see fit.
You are not dealing with a new forum
here...we are very well established on
usenet, so we know a good troll when
we see one.
We are returning your faulty trolls in the
next post and terminating our agreement.
We will source a new supplier of
QUALITY pest services and will not be
recommending you to any NG who is
looking for a resident "pain in the ass".
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Riri's Haikus
Hello everyone, this is Joey's dog Riri. Usually I'm just a lurker,
however, since Sonja's threatening to delete anyone who doesn't post,
I'm going to post these Haikus:
I must greet Joey
my paws are covered with mud
I'm sure he won't mind
this bed is just fine
your pillow is so comfy
you sleep on the floor
he says I'm ugly
but Fascinet's just jealous
girls like me better
as I put my nose
in between her lovely thighs
you're wishing you're me
--
"can i eat that? can i eat that? can i eat that?"
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
ABOUT TOILET PAPER
I am a new toilet user i would like same details about toilets and how
to wipe my ass. You see I have toilet paper but I don t now what to
do next. if anybody want's to help me please write me to
invisib...@hotmail.com
peace
mike *who cant wipe his own ass*
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Wyndham (wyndha...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Cell Phone Poseurs
Cell Phone Poseurs
A team of British researchers reported they are finding an increasing
number of men who pretend to talk on cellular telephones. The findings
included men in night clubs who and wheel and deal on fake cellular
phones and those who who speak into cell phones in locations where it
is imposssible to get a signal. The reseachers documented one instance
where a man was in the middle of a heated discussion on his cell phone
when it rang.*
*Zay N. Smith, Chicago Sun-times, Sept 12, 1997. Mr. Smith has a
column, "Quick Takes", which includes short stories about human
irrationalities, where he garners from the Associated Press and other
sources.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
wouldn't it be funny if some dumbass gets
a ticket in NY for "pretending" to have
a cell phone conversation whilst driving!
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
I think a cell phone, or a reasonable facsimile, would be a great
accessory for me. I'm always walking down the street ranting to myself
and gesturing to no one in particular anyway. If I had a cell phone I
would at least look normal.
-Slothrop
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
> I think a cell phone, or a reasonable facsimile, would be a great accessory for
> me. I'm always walking down the street ranting to myself and gesturing to no one
> in particular anyway. If I had a cell phone I would at least look normal.
>
> -Slothrop
I often walk down the street talking to myself, and it bothers people
because I use a megaphone.
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Ears ring as readers overhear phone talk
The "We Can Hear You" contest flushes out conversations in restrooms,
doctor's offices and church.
By MARY CHALLENDER
Register Staff Writer
07/16/2001
Thanks to cell phones, there's no business so personal that it can't
be discussed in public.
At least that's the impression we received from entries in our "We Can
Hear You" contest.
We asked readers to tell us the most unbelievable cell phone
conversation they'd overheard in a public place. They came up with
some doozies.
Awkward position
Joanne Cory of Des Moines said she sees a lot of people with cell
phones in her line of work, as a medical assistant for a gynecologist.
Patients do generally turn off their phones in the exam room, she
said.
One patient, a real estate broker with an appointment for her
gynecological exam and pap smear, was an exception. Just as the doctor
started the exam, Cory said, the patient's cell phone rang.
The woman asked Cory to hand her the phone, then proceeded to close a
real estate deal while the doctor went on with the exam. Cory said she
and the doctor were dumbfounded when the saleswoman told her caller
exactly where she was at the time.
The woman emerged from the room later with a cheerful "Good-bye - call
me when my results are back," something that Cory confesses gives her
pause.
"Who knows what I'll be interrupting?" she wrote.
Hello, Jesus?
Sometimes cell phone owners can offend those around them without ever
saying a word. Three years ago, said Loren Shultz of Webster City, he
went to a local church to see a friend in an Easter passion play.
"After an earnest and heartfelt performance by all," he wrote, "the
service was closing, the lights were lowered and the final soloist
began the ending hymn, "Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling . . ."
"Brrriiing! Brrriing!"
And the prize winner
The $100 prize in the "We Can Hear You" contest goes to Skip Joens of
Des Moines, who works part-time nights in a grocery store. One
evening, he wrote, a woman got in line with a bottle of whiskey, a
liter of Coke and a box of condoms.
While checking out, she pulled out her cell phone and made a call.
"Yeah, Tony, it's me, I got everything. Is the coast clear?"
"She said it very plainly so all of us around could hear her," Joens
wrote. "I don't think they were going to an Iowa Cubs game, do you?"
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
The Reason Phish Stopped Touring?
Here's an old newspaper article I came across today:
ORLANDO, FL -The music world was shaken by tragedy Sunday night when
members of the popular rock band Phish collapsed on stage after being
overcome by the stench of concert-goers during a show at the Orlando
Centroplex.
The collapse occurred approximately 40 minutes into the song "You
Enjoy Myself," when the four band members became overwhelmed by a
combination of body odor, marijuana and the patchouli oil many Phish
fans use in lieu of bathing. The foursome was rushed to the emergency
room of Florida Hospital Orlando, where they were partially revived by
emergency oxygen treatment. As of press time, the musicians are still
listed in critical condition.
Though authorities are still debating the cause of the tragedy,
preliminary reports indicate that a mechanical malfunction in the
band's on-stage ventilation system is to blame. The system, which
employs five computer-controlled, industrial-sized wind machines to
blow fumes away from the stage area, has been used by the
million-selling group since 1992 to combat the "danger layer" of toxic
odors which surround the band's rabid fan base at all times.
Despite the ventilation breakdown, many observers feel that the real
blame for the injuries lies with Phish itself, as for years the band
has recklessly encouraged its fans' non-hygenic lifestyle.
"They've been burning the candle at both ends for way too long. This
was bound to happen," said the EPA's Helen Dolloff, who as chair of
the Jam Band Toxicity Task Force, has studied the effects of fan odor
on members of bands like Phish, Rusted Root and Blues Traveler.
"Phish's message of 'party now, wash later' has simply got to change."
Further controversy stems from the fact that efforts to save the
stricken musicians were hampered by a semi-riot which occurred when
rescue workers attempted to gain access to the stage area.
Surrounding the fallen performers in a circle of linked hands and
attempting to heal them with "crystal light energy" and an improvised
version of "Silent in the Morning," several hundred Phish fans erupted
into violence at the sight of the gas mask-wearing, uniformed rescue
personnel.
Fans hurled hacky sacks and pipes at paramedics, and blocked
ambulances arriving at the accident scene with hastily erected
barricades.
Forming a linked-arm "human wall," the fans effectively trapped Phish
and paramedics in a deadly envelope of unbreathable toxic vapor,
holding off attempts to remove the band to safety for a full 30
minutes before finally being cleared by riot police, who used
high-pressure fire hoses filled with a powerful soap/water solution to
disperse the crowd.
"That was so wrong of those cops, man," said odorous fan Mike H, 15,
whose brand-new hemp necklace and tie-dyed "phishisphat" T-shirt were
ruined in the hosing incident. "And worst of all, they did it right
when the band was about to play 'Slave to the Traffic Light.' "
Added Mike H: "I have 940 bootlegs. I'm not a big fan of 'albums', I'm
more into live show trading. My turn ons are smelly, drugged up, hairy
arm pits; my turn offs are well dressed, bathed, shaved arm pits,
brushed hair."
Only one member of Phish, singer/guitarist Trey Anastasio, managed to
escape serious harm in the incident, going backstage unnoticed during
one of the band's trademark hour-long jams to rest and consume drugs.
Anastasio was visibly moved as he spoke to the public. "I want to
thank all our fans for massing here at the hospital in such incredible
numbers, but believe me, we really need you to leave now," a
gas-masked Anastasio said. "We appreciate the candlelight vigil and
the chanting and all that, but the doctors all agree: We cannot hope
to revive the rest of the guys unless we can somehow isolate them from
the deadly column of vapors rising from the crowd."
Anastasio then attempted to rouse the assembled fans in a sing-along.
"The skin is the part under the arm that makes contact with the soap,"
he sang to the crowd. "The soap is the bar that you use in the bath at
your abode."
Two minutes into the refrain, Anastasio collapsed as well.
Phish's tour manager, Todd Geerholz, has vowed that steps will be
taken to ensure that such an incident is not repeated.
"We are talking with Ticketron right now about requiring a chemical
sponge bath for each customer before a ticket can be purchased,"
Geerholz said. "We're also definitely going to add a big personal
hygiene appendix to next year's edition of the Phish Pharmers Almanac.
If this is still not enough, Phish may have to forego touring
altogether."
Preliminary testing indicates that as long as Phish's fans are not
gathered together at one place for any extended length of time, the
stench rising from their unwashed bodies will remain well under the
life-threatening level.
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
The Stem Cell Debate
It clearly states in Leviticus, "...and the
use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical
research shall be forever prohibited. Thus
sayeth the Lord."
But then, only the scientists would go to
hell, right? Then let them find a cure for
cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing
their actions.
carrie_miaway
Bart Simpson
Whenever Bart Simpson is writing something
100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment
in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is
always writing something different. Here are
the collected writings of Bart Simpson from
his chalkboard exercises during the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission
of Major League baseball.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Alternate titles for
"Touched By An Angel"
Fondled By A Fairy
Poked By A Poltergeist
Groped By A Gremlin
Licked By A Leprechaun
Goosed By A Ghost
Stroked by a Satyr
Diddled by a Demon
Massaged by a Mermaid
Buggered by a Buddha
Gobbled by a Goblin
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Alternate titles for "Touched By An Angel"
From: data...@aol.comlink (Data)
You're a sick, perverted, debauched, depraved, warped, and wholly
unwholesome individual, Bobb Gob. And I wouldn't have it any other
way.
Commander F'ing Data
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Belief and Knowledge
A belief is an idea held to be true. Knowledge is
the observations and facts that support your belief.
What is the relationship between knowledge and belief?
The first impulse is to hypothesize that there is a
positive relationship. An increase in knowledge is
coupled with an increase in the strength of your
belief. This view is quite optimistic because it
states that truth will be given to all who so desire.
But, one must also know where to look. On the contrary,
experience with humans leads to the idea that people
often hold ill-founded beliefs in great disproportion
to their related knowledge.
This occurs because people base their self-perception
on their self-righteousness. They hold so steadfast to
their ridiculous beliefs that they fail to realize that
losing a debate means something new has been learned.
Belief is more important that truth with this species.
Thus, we have arrived at the opposite side of our initial
starting point.
There is a negative relationship between knowledge and
belief because those with the least knowledge often
entertain the most adamant beliefs. This is were the
so-called "trailer-park philosophers" shine.
The consequence of this perspective however, would imply
that those with the most knowledge have the weakest-held
beliefs. Of course this cannot be true, can it? We all
know people who have attained an abundance of knowledge
about trivial issues in order to make themselves feel
morally superior. So we revise our hypothesis again.
Instead of the relationship being linear and thus either
purely negative or positive, the relationship is curved
like a "U." Those with the most and those with the least
knowledge maintain the most stringent beliefs, while those
in the middle linger in a state of perpetual indifference.
Just look at the apathy surrounding elections here in America.
However, can we really sustain the belief that those who
know much about the mundane are to be consider our most
knowedgable?
Upon closer inspection, it must be concluded that
the most intelligent are of a very small number who
know of a great number of subjects. They see that
much can be learned by comparing each of their fields
of knowledge, and that every answer they receive entails
limitless other questions.
Thus we arrive at our final hypothesis, or maybe it is a
theory by this time.
The relationship between knowledge and strength of belief
is exponential. Exponentially decreased beliefs with
increased knowledge, and exponentially increased beliefs
with decreased knowledge.
Although more pessimistic than our initial suggestion,
it is also more realistic. Choose the relationship you
find most comforting, and you will postion yourself on
the curve.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Aphorisms
desire to desire (hedonists, epicureans, egoists)
desire not to desire (taoists, stoics)
pleasure from lack of pleasure (ascetics, christians)
pleasure from extreme lack of pleasure (masochists)
pleasure from others lack of pleasure (sadists)
pleasure from others pleasure (altruists, utilitarianists)
ashamed of shame (satanists, nonconformists)
desire to know the unknowable (humans)
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Sexist Statue
On a recent trip to New York City I was appalled by the sexist
spectacle of the Statue of Liberty.
I urge each and every one of you to take a careful second look at this
monstrosity.
If you do, I think that you shall find that the Statue of Liberty is
an insult to women everywhere.
First, the breasts of Ms. Liberty jut out in a provacative, upturned
manner--even from under her heavy garb.
Next, I noticed when walking around the statue that Ms. Liberty has
been given firm, round buttocks.
I will not even comment on the long legs with which the statue has
been graced. Nor shall I dwell on the satisfied "after orgasm" smirk
that plays across her smug face.
Given that the statue was designed by the French--the biggest sexists
on the face of the earth--my research is probably not surprising.
It is time for women worldwide to protest the pornography that is the
Statue of Liberty.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: This newsgroup ain't what it used to be.
From: -BFG- g...@life.loser
"Joseph Downs" wrote
> It never was.
Things are more like they are today
than they ever have been before.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: llive...@aol.comxtlpk (Lawrence Livermore)
Subject: Re: This newsgroup ain't what it used to be.
<<Things are more like they are today
than they ever have been before.>>
Allegedly, this was originally said by the late, great Dwight D.
Eisenhower, who helped establish, or at least carried on, the American
tradition of dumb but genial presidents.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Double Reverse Psychology
A twist on ordinary reverse psychology, which
was pioneered by human-behavior experts back
in the early 1960s, double reverse psychology
(DRP) is designed to help you manipulate even
the most savvy individual.
Traditional reverse psychology works by asking
a person to do the opposite of what you really
want them to do. For example, if you want your
teenage daughter to stop wearing baggy jeans,
you might tell her that you think baggy jeans
are "really cool" and she should wear them
every day. The idea is that to rebel, she'll
then stow her baggy jeans in a closet and wear
normal-looking clothes.
The trouble is that while reverse psychology
was very effective when it was first introduced
in the '60s, so many people are familiar with it
today that it rarely works. Most people will see
right through your little act.
Double reverse psychology, by contrast, helps you
to put people through mental conundrums so
mind-bending, they end up doing exactly what
you want.
Suppose you want your wife to go on a "girls'
night out" with her friends so you can have
your buddies over to play poker. You would
then tell her, "I want you to go out with
your friends. Go ahead, have all the fun
in the world. Stay out all night."
Naturally, she'll figure you're trying to
use reverse psychology on her and flip it
around in her head - assuming you actually
want her to stay at home.
So she'll reply, "Fine, that's exactly what
I'll do." She'll smirk smugly, thinking she's
outwitted you - while in reality, you've
achieved your goal.
The same approach can be used at the workplace,
at social gatherings, in stores, or in countless
other settings to get what you want.
I predict that DRP is going to emerge as one
of the most powerful negotiating tactics of
the decade.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Narticles
Whenever I call people a narticle they believe that I am calling them
a testicle. Not true, a narticle is not a testicle. A narticle is
actually a quantum particle unlike any other. For instance, whereas a
lepton or boson will carry a flavor of "top-spin" or "bottom-spin"
with it, a narticle actually carries the flavor of "left-sag" or
"right-sag", the only known particle with those flavors. That is all
that is known about the narticle however, because most physicists are
reluctant to put their narticles in a particle accelerator.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Pyschological Test Questions
In each of the five questions below, mark the one answer that best
reflects your thinking, then check out the analysis at the end.
1. The saying an "eye for an eye" means that if someone hurts you, you
should take revenge. If you're hit, you should hit back. If someone
burns your house, you should burn his. Which is the biggest problem
with the "eye for an eye" plan?
A. It tells people to turn the other cheek.
B. It can only be used at certain times of the year.
C. It offers no way to settle a conflict in a friendly manner.
D. People have to wait until attacked before they can strike.
2. Scouts teach young people a sense of discipline and respect for
authority, dependability and loyalty. Which of the following is the
most logical prediction of what Scouts will be like when they grow up?
A. They'll be self-conscious about their height.
B. They'll be reluctant to attend foreign films.
C. They'll be ready to take on responsibility.
D. They'll be easily controlled by leaders.
3. Germany took over many small countries before World War 2. Other
countries thought they could stop Germany. They had Germany sign
agreements promising not to attack again. Germany broke these promises
many times. Which of the following is the most logical conclusion
based on these statements?
A. England should have invaded France.
B. Small countries are more powerful than large countries.
C. Agreements work best when all countries can be trusted.
D. Only weak countries follow agreements.
4. Most bosses don't like to criticize employees. It makes both the
boss and the employee uneasy. Which of the following is the most
logical explanation for the above.
A. Employees who are uneasy are always more productive.
B. Annual performance reviews happen only once a year.
C. Bosses and employees like a friendly place to work.
D. Bosses are afraid to criticize problem workers.
5. American cars have gotten better in the last 15 years. American
carmakers started to build better cars when they began to lose
business to the Japanese. Many American car buyers thought foreign
cars were better made. Which of the following is the most logical
conclusion based on these statements?
A. America was the world's largest producer of airplanes 15 years ago.
B. Swedish carmakers lost business in America 15 years ago.
C. The Japanese knew more than Americans about building good cars 15
years ago.
D. American carmakers built cars to wear out 15 years ago so they
could make a lot of money selling parts.
ANALYSIS -- The most logical answer to each of these five questions is
D. If you selected less than three D answers, you probably suffer
from an emotional disorder. Ask someone who knows you and isn't afraid
to tell you what he thinks. Then decide if you need to seek help.
Fascinet
The Complete Clothier for the Man with Discriminating Tastes
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Time For Some Culture
A girl who is bespectacled
She may not get her nectacled
But safety pins and bassinets
Await the girl who fascinets
Fascinet
The On-Line Clothier for The Discriminating Shopper
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Black Holes
According to the law of Conservation of Sense, the amount of sense and
nonsense in the universe is constant. The sensible can neither be
created or destroyed.
In order to increase the apparent sensibility of an entity, you must
decrease its nonsense factor, and this nonsense is then transfered
elsewhere.
Stupidity singularities (examples being black bloc anarchists,
alt.gothic, alt.music.black-metal, etc.) are entities so dense that
it is impossible for anything to achieve the escape velocity (which is
in excess of 300,000km per second).
An "event horizon" is a spherical surface that marks the boundary of a
black hole. You can pass in through the horizon, but you can't get
back out. In fact, once you've crossed the horizon, you're doomed to
move inexorably closer and closer to the "singularity" at the center
of the black hole.
You have been warned.
Fascinet
The On-Line Clothier for The Discriminating Shopper
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Black Holes
From: Inigo Montoya spam...@penfold0.demon.co.uk
Hmmm, time dilation in the vicinity of the Gothic Event Horizon would
explain why they still dress like it's 1985.
Jimbo
--
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: What's wrong with you ppl???
jmle...@hotmail.com (McNab) wrote in message...
<snip>
>wrong with you ppl? This is sooooo far from what punk means. None
of
>you are punk by my standards and you should all feel shame for what
>you have written.
<snip>
>
> Jamie in Canada
>
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us?
What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted
tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat,
spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating
one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before
attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are
a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able
to access it more rapidly.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really
say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was
pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a
load of babbling was hardly effective...
Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and
count, you'll have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills
that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an
easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are
"challenged" persons in this world who find these things more
difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have
never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of
like parking in a handicapped space. I wish you the best of luck in
the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: TNB at high school football game
johnwi...@yahoo.com (John) wrote:
>If they shot other negroes pending charges should be dismissed.
>
>John
Much as I admire the technical depth and sheer erudition of your
observation, I must protest that a wire hanger, sharpened at one end
on an asphalt sidewalk, and thrust up your nostril with that ineffable
twist-of-the-wrist evidenced by the truly skilled, thus separating the
lobes in what is commonly referred to as a pre-frontal lobotomy
procedure, is a more appropriate intervention in this case. Some may
disagree, and I freely admit that I am biased as I am a known pacifist
and abhor violence.
Fascinet
The On-Line Clothier for The Discriminating Shopper
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Spaces Are Still Available
P115 - Contributions of the Vertically Challenged in Physics
Startling new evidence confirms that most great physicists were
vertically challenged (or "short," as bigots are wont to say).
Unfortunately, repressive social norms forced many scientists to
strive to appear vertically gifted in order to maintain credibility
with the masses. Some never publicly came out about their true
vertical orientation, but were still privately active in the
vertically challenged subculture. This course examines how the
vertically challenged status of Newton, Galileo, Einstein, Bohr, and
many others contributed to their success as scientists.
Fascinet
Custom Insidious Designs at Reasonable Rates
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Dress Codes
High schools are banning low-rise jeans,
midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles
of clothing.
What I don't get is the super-low jeans where the
thong straps peek out above the waistline. Why
aren't those required?
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The King Of Kensington (toqu...@benalto.com)
Subject: Re: Dress Codes
BobGoblin
I command thee
to write the new Ten Commandments.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Nostradamus Prediction!!!
Look at this!!!!
This is from Nostradamus, I think it's a bit
vague, but don't you think he might have
been predicting what happened the other day?
I'm really excited about this!
On Tuesday, some Arab maniacs will hijack the American Airlines plane
There will come a mighty rending as they open boxes with box-cuttters
President Bush will get hot buttocks
The whole caboodle will hit the world trade center with a massive
bang!
Don't you think that's uncannily accurate?
I do! It's amazing, isn't it?
Yours sincerely,
A sad fuck who'll believe anything.
And I mean fucking anything.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Nostradamus Prediction!!!
From: The Gamp (the...@erols.com)
Bob, you've been had by yet another one of those Nostradamus scams.
While the triple-'t' in 'box-cuttter' was a nice touch to lend an air
of sixteenth-century authenticity, any well-read student of early
French mysticism knows that Nostradamus always used the more proper
variant "kaboodle."
Still, the seventeenth-century forger who actually wrote the
prediction had some extremely insightful points to make. Fascinating
stuff.
Gamp
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
HELLO DARRIN.
GREETINGS FROM ALT PUNK.
Hello, Darrin.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are.
I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid.
Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we
know into a whole different dimension of stupid.
You are trans-stupid stupid.
Meta-stupid.
Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons
have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day
sun on mercury stupid. You emit more stupid
in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid.
Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe
can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial
fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by
anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that
we know.
You are an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you
may not hear from me again. I don't have enough
strength left to deride your ignorant and half
baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any
of the rest of your drivel.
You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
I feel debased just for knowing you exist.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging
to the same species as you.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep
won't have sex with you. You are a spineless
little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest
contempt. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved
for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid
chromosomally aberrent caricature of a coprophagic
cloacal parasitic pond scum, and I just wish you would
go away.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant
dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal
accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An
insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned
by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and
then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a
stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a
waste of flesh. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are
the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness,
a meaningless void.
You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed
drooling meatslapper.
You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the
personality of wallpaper. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. On a good day
you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.
Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your
brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly
before splattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame
of your ignoble blood.
Have a nice day.
--
- BFG
-
- Go ropa neach neamhshaolta do thóin bheagmhaitheasach:
- May an alien being stab your worthless butt.
-
-
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: HELLO DARRIN. GREETINGS FROM ALT PUNK.
From: The King Of Kensington (toqu...@benalto.com)
As much as I, like Lali, despise the use of "we" on alt.punk, I'm
pretty sure Bob speaks for all of us.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: HELLO DARRIN. GREETINGS FROM ALT PUNK.
From: The Gamp (the...@erols.com)
Bob,
After years of experience reading between the lines, so to speak, I
get the vague sense you have some feelings of...well I think the
phrase "ill at ease" covers it...where Darrin is concerned. Rest
assured this is perfectly natural, and lots of people feel the way you
do.
However, you seem a tad repressed. Don't be afraid to EXPRESS your
feelings towards Darrin. I think you'll be much happier and feel
better in the long run if you do.
Serenity Now,
The Gamp
Punk Rock Legend in His Own Living Room
Pop-Psych Legend With His Own Couch
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Corset Haiku
cinching her corset
goblin takes her breath away
like the winter wind
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Corset Haiku
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
Goblin's pants are down
She screams in abject horror
Penis pump failure
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
A What Really Happened Haiku
(Parkluck wasn't there, don't listen to him)
the first rays of dawn
finds her in bobgoblin's arms
happy and carefree
A Parkluck Haiku
parkluck gets ready
naked nubile woman
his engine sputters
Ultrabean Haiku
the spring in her step
due not to the nice weather
ultrabean's high heels
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Corset Haiku
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
Goblin sees a girl
Time to get the chloroform
Shove her in the van
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
trannie ultrabean
parkluck's lovely new girlfriend
not quite what she seems
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Corset Haiku
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
hey there bob goblin
don't drag ultrabean in this
she is all woman
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
and how do you know
have you seen her with no clothes
wait til you're married
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
A What Really Happened Haiku
just like all the rest
she rushes into my van
best she ever had
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Park Luck said:
> Goblin sees a girl
> Time to get the chloroform
> Shove her in the van
>
That's awfully Emo of me!
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Corset Haiku
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
>THIS IS MY FAVOURITE!
>Park Luck, TAKE A BOW!
Thank you very much
I accept money orders
and well hidden cash.
evan
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Subject: Re: Sarah Michelle-Gelar EXPOSED 71 <- Lame Websites EXPOSED
From: go go goblin!
"Sarah Michelle-Gelar" <Sarah.Mich...@hotmail.com> wrote
> http://www.chattown.com/home/teen/romance/xcitmnt/
>
>
>
> CELEBRITIES EXPOSED
>
> ALL THE HOTTEST STARS ON ONE WEBSITE
Oh boy!! Can I get photos of Altair
and Proxima Centauri?
Wow Buffy, you sure are fucking stupid
to mispell your own name.
carrie_miaway
Re: Rush Limbaugh going deaf...
From: go go goblin!
park...@aol.com (Park Luck) wrote
>...wow. Maybe there is a god after all?
>
>evan
NEW YORK (AP) -- God, the deity of choice for
monotheists around the world, claimed responsibility
for the sudden deafness of talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh,
50, at a press conference in Times Square early Wednesday
morning.
"It was the most fitting punishment I could think of,"
God said. "The man is so in love with the sound of his own
voice, it's unbelievable even to Me. Honestly, he should
have seen this coming. I mean, I have infinite patience, but
even I could only let that 'With Talent On Loan From God'
nonsense slide for so long. Talent on Loan From Me, Rush?
Well, it's time to pay up, fat boy!"
God continued that He was dismayed to know that Limbaugh
still plans to keep his show going. "You'd think he'd have
gotten the hint by now, but since I am so all-loving I'll give
him another three months. If he hasn't quit by then, I'll
strike him mute as well. No reason why the rest of the
world should have to suffer."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: Charo!
From: go go goblin!
The King Of Kensington <toqu...@FUCKYOUbenalto.com> wrote
> Discuss.
She was in a scene that was sadly
cut from "Titanic":
Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a
lifeboat with some stolen jewels and
divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie
Stevens and Charo.
It's true!
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Mike H.
...swears he was *just* vacuuming
naked when his Mom walked in.
It's true!
carrie_miaway
The Band Name Anthrax
What's in a Name?
By Lloyd Grove
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, October 10, 2001; Page C03
So far, no promoters have called to cancel any of Anthrax's upcoming shows,
but lead singer Scott Ian is feeling a little nervous about the name of the
beloved thrash-metal band.
"This isn't the kind of exposure we want or need," Ian told The Post's David
Segal yesterday while driving along Santa Monica Boulevard. "It's as though
it's 1937 and I'm a bandleader named Freddie Hitler. Maybe we should change
the name now. A friend suggested 'Basket of Puppies.' "
The 37-year-old metal hero said he came up with the name 20 years ago, in
high school biology class, before he'd even heard of germ warfare. "I was
just looking for something different than all those 'er' bands, like
Destroyer and Killer.
Now that anthrax is notorious as a lethal bacterium and possibly a weapon of
terrorism ... <snip>
Yes, it's true, Anthrax hasn't *always* been
notorious as a lethal bacterium.
Actually, before it mutated into it's present
horrific virulent state, this onetime harmless
strain was classified in the 1960's as "The Archies."
The bacteria evolved, growing long hair and just
behaving badly in general; the rest, as they say,
is history...
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Your Star Sign Explained
I take astrology very seriously and so should you.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles.
However, those are your only positive traits.
ARIES
You tend to be a headstrong and deliberate in your
actions. Basically, you don't give a fuck about anyone.
Most people hate you but you couldn't care less.
You grab your crotch at weddings.
TAURUS
Warmth and caring are your most endearing
characteristics. You get on well with most people
because you're bisexual.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your
character. Quite simply, you're a neurotic
schizophrenic.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a
knack for making money. You are an unscrupulous
bastard who would sell a relative's limbs to buy a
mp3 player. You're likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills
and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid.
You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never
amount to anything. Most female Leos are on
welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how
to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and
you're a cheap bastard. Most Virgo males are
queers and their mamas are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges.
This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people
will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will
go to your funeral.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of
the arts. You import pornography and sex toys from
Amsterdam. You thrive on incest fantasies.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet
type. A mean, self-centred shite and a closet homosexual.
Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end
up working in the legal system. This means you are
an absolute pervert, at the very least a transvestite
like Ultrabean. Your ideal sexual partner is a
Labrador wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any
situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a
dream world. Most people consider you to be an
epiphany of idiocy. You will continually fail.
You're a prick.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Your Star Sign Explained
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
> CANCER
>You have a businesslike attitude to life and a
>knack for making money. You are an unscrupulous
>bastard who would sell a relative's limbs to buy a
>mp3 player. You're likely to be murdered
I would not sell my relative's limbs for a mp3 player. But my $100 offer to
reveal the first episode plot of Oz still stands.
evan
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Park Luck said:
> I would not sell my relative's limbs
They never admit to it.
Here's a famous quote by a Cancer:
"Oh come on, I mean do we look like the sort
of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night,
steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them,
tissue-type them, amputate a leg and run away
with it?"
carrie_miaway
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Does she really stink?
Darrin said
<<<eh Most men are led by their noses!ehe Remember, there's a distinction
between proper hygiene (which goes without saying) and a olfactory fetish for
the always-ripe rectal zone!eheh Whether consciously or subconsciously, we
are all attracted to pheromones or the distinct bodily odors secreted by
members of the opposite sex (or the unopposite sex). For me, waking up in
the morning and being able to bury my shnoz up a chick's tushy is like no
other feeling in the world!! It not only invigorates my nostrils (eh), but it
seems to work better than caffeine!hehe It's a quicker picker upper!eh >>>
Now Darrin, I was going to write something quite
vitriolic at this point, but then I happened to glance
out my window. I live across the street from a
church - a quaint little building with stained glass
windows and white siding. The sun is shining,
the birds are singing and all is well with the world.
So in the spirit of the moment, let me say a little
prayer for you:
Dear God,
Please help Darrin quit snorting
his sister's crack.
Amen.
carrie_miaway
Annotated Dennis Miller from last night
Eagles vs. Giants, Monday Night, October 22, 2001
Nostradamus, the voice of God, and Linda Blair's revolving head
Nostradamus wrote:
"In the year of a one /
The Miller will come to the city of York /
And upon the field will be laid many obscure references /
So many that even Joey Bishop and Lynyrd Skynyrd /
Will go unannotated..."
_______________________________
Pregame
The set-up: Al Michaels noted that there had been some disappointing games on
Monday night this season.
The quip: "Truth be told, the Monday Night Football vineyard has not yielded
an exquisite vintage so far this year. A lot of Ripple, Thunderbird, and
Boone's Farm turning up on the wine list."
The read: The trio of cheap, fruity wines is produced by Ernest and Julio
Gallo. The Gallo brothers inherited their family's vineyard in the mid-'30s
after their father murdered their mother and then committed suicide.
In the 1950s, 40-proof port mixed with lemon juice became a popular urban
drink, and Gallo set out to emulate the flavor. The result, Thunderbird,
became the high-alcohol wine of choice on the street, with an ad campaign to
match:
"What's the word?
Thunderbird!
How's it sold?
Good and cold!
What's the jive?
Bird's alive!"
Ripple went on to become Fred Sanford's beverage of choice, and many a
teenager in the '70s got his or her first taste of liquor from the
sickly-sweet fruit flavors of Boone's Farm. In the '80s, Ernest and Julio
Gallo went on to create that most insidious of concoctions, the Bartles &
Jaymes wine cooler. However, frustrated by this low-rent reputation, Ernest
Gallo turned his attention to creating finer wines and today produces a large
number of wines under classier names such as Marcelina, Frei Brothers
Reserve, and Ecco Domani.
_______________________________
First Quarter
The set-up: Miller mentioned talking to Philadelphia cornerback Troy Vincent,
who said the Giants like to "throw one deep once they get past the 50 yard
line."
The quip: "Please, give me a Nostradamus break here and do it, Kerry."
The read: For those who did not run out and rent "The Man Who Saw Tomorrow"
after last month's Nostradamus WTC e-mail hoax, a few quick facts about
Michel de Nostredame.
(It helps if you imagine the following being narrated by Orson Welles.)
A 16th-century French physician who also practiced astrology, Nostradamus
first gained public renown in 1555 not for his boring old treatment of plague
victims, but for publishing the first of 10 "Centuries" collections he would
eventually write. Each "Centuries" contained 100 rhymed quatrains (four-line
verses) and offered up a buffet of hit and mostly miss predictions for the
future. With astrology having become the rock-and-roll of the French
Renaissance, Nostradamus was soon invited to the court of Catherine de
Medicis (queen consort to King Henry II), where he became an astrological
superstar. He died in 1566.
And that's it. He didn't predict Hitler, or the Great Fire of London, or the
rise of boy bands in the late 1990s. We hate to burst anyone's bubble, but
Nostradamus wrote obscure, silly poems in archaic French that were as
accurate at predicting the future as the annual New Year's issue of the
Weekly World News.
We did, however, have an old college pal who, after a few bottles of
Thunderbird, would stand up on the nearest bar and exclaim, "I'm Nostradamus!
And I predict you're all about to see my ass!"
_______________________________
Second Quarter
The set-up: In trying to discuss Philadelphia's first quarter stats, Miller
found himself tripped up by the fact that zero times any number is zero.
Stephen Hawking, telling himself a joke in the 11th dimension.
The quip: "Get Stephen Hawking on the phone, let me see if that stat's
applicable."
The read: Theoretical physicist Stephen William Hawking's name is often tossed
around with those of Newton and Einstein. However, much of his recognition
stems not from his groundbreaking work on general relativity, black holes,
and space-time singularities, but because his 1988 book "A Brief History of
Time" was one of those hot best-sellers that everyone owned a copy of, but no
one actually sat down and read. (Luckily Errol Morris made a film version of
it in 1992, a documentary with a tinge of soap opera considering that the guy
divorced his wife and married his nurse.) Hawking is a professor of
mathematics at Cambridge, holding Newton's old post, but you don't see Newton
doing guest apperances on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" or "The Simpsons,"
do you?
Born in Oxford, England, Hawking was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease in
the '60s and today moves about in a battery-powered wheelchair, from which he
uses a computer and a speech synthesizer to communicate. (The nurse he
married was the ex-wife of the guy who invented his speech synthesizer.)
Most recently Hawking warned that humans must use genetic engineering to alter
their DNA or computer intelligence will take over the world. Like we don't
have enough to worry about.
_______________________________
The set-up: Giants defensive end Michael Strahan sacked Eagles quarterback
Donovan McNabb.
The quip: "These are John Facenda sacks Strahan has been laying down the last
few weeks."
The read: As the narrator of many of the NFL Films productions of the 1960s
and '70s, it was the deep, strong tone of the late John Facenda's voice that
helped turn the weekly sporting contests into epic gladiatorial battles. So
majestic and authoritative was Facenda's narration that he was often referred
to as "the Voice of God."
God, on the other hand, likes to think He sounds more like Gregory Peck, maybe
with a dash of Cary Grant thrown in.
_______________________________
The set-up: The Eagles held the Giants to a field goal instead of a touchdown
just before the half.
The quip: "If they get out of this 9-nothing in the first half I think Andy
Reid's in the locker room saying, 'Guys, the game is afoot.'"
The read: Though it's probably best known today as Sherlock Holmes's rallying
cry to Dr. Watson when the clues of a mystery began to fall into place, the
phrase "the game's afoot" is initially found, as so many phrases are, in
Shakespeare.
In "Henry V," (Act 1, scene 3) the young English king Henry rallies his men to
take the besieged city of Harfleur, France by crying out: "I see you stand
like greyhounds in the slips,/Straining upon the start. The game's
afoot:/Follow your spirit, and upon this charge/Cry 'God for Harry, England,
and Saint George!'"
_______________________________
The set-up: Miller noted that Eagles kicker David Akers' wide-to-the-right
field goal miss reminded him of Florida State's run of game-losing wide-right
field goal misses.
The quip: "I heard wide right, I had that Rorschach association."
The read: Growing up in Switzerland in the late 19th century, Hermann
Rorschach wanted to be an artist, so much so that in school he was called
Kleck, or "inkblot" by his friends. (No, we're not making this part up.) But
alas, little Inkblot chose medicine instead and focused on psychoanalysis. In
1918 Rorschach began experimenting with using random inkblots on cards to
assess patients' personalities and diagnosis disorders.
The idea is that humans tend to project their thoughts and emotions onto the
world around them, affecting how they perceive random events and images. For
example, if a patient is shown an inkblot and says it looks like a happy
little bunny playing in a field with his friends, then he or she will grow up
to lead a satisfying, productive life raising rabbits on a farm. On the other
hand, if the patient sees a little bunny that got hit by a Peterbilt truck
while trying to cross the interstate, he or she (probably he) will grow up to
be a film producer.
_______________________________
Third Quarter
The set-up: Giants punter Rodney Williams, known for his big punts, angles off
a short "pooch" punt intentionally.
The quip: "Even his pooch is a Saint Bernard."
The read: The alpine pass between Switzerland and Italy was already known for
its large rescue dogs when an Italian priest named Bernard De Menthon came
along in the 12th century and founded two hospices in the pass to aid and
protect travelers. The working dogs were probably descended from a Roman
Molossian breed, and over the centuries they have been credited with helping
save the lives of more than 2,500 people who were lost in the treacherous
pass.
Originally, Saint Bernards, as they came to be known, were a short-haired
breed, but they were crossed with Newfoundland dogs in the early 1800s to
produce the longer-haired version we're familiar with today. However, Saint
Bernards did not have little casks of brandy tied around their necks to help
revive frozen travelers -- that myth was begun in the 19th century when
British animal painter Edwin Landseer painted a Saint Bernard with the cask.
And, no, Saint Bernards cannot play poker.
_______________________________
The set-up: After Miller asked him what the odds were that both tonight's game
and the Mariners-Yankees playoff game would both have scores of 9-3 at that
moment, Al Michaels rattled off a precise (made-up) number.
The quip: "I've seen you on a crap table -- you can figure those odds like
Rain Man."
The read: The 1988 film "Rain Man" earned Oscars for Best Picture and for
director Barry Levinson, star Dustin Hoffman (as Raymond "Rain Man" Babbitt),
and writers Ronald Bass and Barry Morrow. It also proved that Tom Cruise
could appear in a movie without a flight control stick, cue stick, or
cocktail shaker in his hand.
But most important of all, it replaced the politically incorrect term "idiot
savant" with the politically correct term "autistic savant." In the film,
Raymond's autism affected his social and language skills (and gave us ten
years of people stammering "I'm an excellent driver," "K-mart sucks," and
"definitely time for Wapner"). But his savantism allows him to perform large
mathematical calculations and remember enormous amounts of systematic trivia
-- a skill Cruise's character puts to work counting cards in Vegas.
The character of Raymond was based on several real-life savants, but writer
Morrow's main inspiration was Kim Peek, an autistic savant he met at an
Association for Retarded Citizens convention. (Morrow was in attendance
because he had written an earlier Mickey Rooney film, "Bill," about a
real-life mentally retarded coffee-shop worker at the University of Iowa.)
Like the character of Raymond, Peek has an encyclopedic memory for dates,
names, places, and a special affinity for numbers. He was able to memorize
books read to him at 16 months old and can recall the some 7,600 books he has
read since then. On Oscar night as Hoffman accepted his award, he thanked
Peek from the podium.
_______________________________
Fourth Quarter
The set-up: Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb looked around frantically for an
open receiver.
Linda Blair, taking face-painting to a whole new level.
The quip: "Think they had coverage there? His head was going like Linda
Blair."
The read: When director William Friedkin and author William Peter Blatty made
"The Exorcist" in 1973, they didn't have all those fancy CGI effects all you
kids see today in your movies. No, in those days if you wanted to spin a
young demon-possessed girl's head around 360 degrees you darn well went out
and built a life-size doll with a pivot for a neck. Or more accurately you
got master makeup artist Dick Smith to do it for you. Smith was also
responsible for the design of the horrific makeup that transformed Regan
MacNeil (12-year-old Linda Blair) into the human incarnation of the demon
Pazuzu. Smith rigged a tube on Blair's neck to spew pea-soup "vomit" at
Father Karras, while Friedkin filmed some of the bedroom scenes in a large
freezer to get the actor's breath to show. Later the sinister voice of Pazuzu
was provided by aging actress Mercedes McCambridge, who Friedkin encouraged
to smoke and drink in order to achieve the right gravelly timbre.
_______________________________
The set-up: Eagles offensive tackle Jon Runyan had Giants defensive end
Michael Strahan by the neck of his jersey.
The quip: "Runyan tying a full Windsor on Strahan."
The read: The hefty Windsor necktie knot was inspired in the first part of the
20th century by Edward, Duke of Windsor. Originally the style made its way to
the United States when American soldiers from the Great War saw fashionable
upper-class friends and devotees of young Edward wearing the knot.
Rumor was that the knot was passed down to Edward by his father, King George
V, but whether that was true or not, Edward never cared much for having the
knot named after him. Edward became King Edward VIII in 1935, but abdicated
the throne a year later so that he could marry an American divorcée, Wallis
Warfield Simpson. Prized for its hefty size and symmetry (we're back to
talking about the knot now, not Ms. Simpson), the Windsor is a tricky knot to
tie, but worth the practice and effort, because even if you're king of
England, a clip-on ain't gonna cut it with the ladies.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
GAMPS DEVELOP "OWN CULTURE"
GAMPS DEVELOP "OWN CULTURE"
Tim Radford, science editor
Thursday October 11, 2001
The Guardian
A scientist at the the International Parasol Institute officially
confirmed today that gamps in the lost property office of Perivale
Tube station have begun to develop their "own culture".
They live!
Speaking in central London to a press conference, noted anthropologist
Dr. William MacDougall announced his remarkable findings. MacDougall
explained that the gamps had been left unnoticed by humans for so many
long years that they had begun to interrelate to each other on a
"social level" and had even begun to reproduce. "The distinction
between male and female gamps is sometimes hard to draw, but we have
determined that sexual signals are in use, such as the formation of
loops at the handle, extending and unextending spokes, etc. The
resulting offspring are those very, very compact brollies in need of
much care in bad weather."
"extremely lucrative"
His analysis confirmed by both pie charts and bar charts projected
behind him, the Doctor continued: "We have long suspected that lost
property offices throughout the underground system were beginning to
develop simple societies, and now we have proof. It's incredible, and
speaking personally, probably extremely lucrative!"
"social dominance"
The Institute credits the proof of recent findings to the use of
hidden cameras placed by field researchers over the summer. These have
captured footage of the interaction amongst various social groups of
gamps, showing that a complex caste structure has evolved. "You'll
notice that fealty is paid to red gamps," explained Dr. MacDougall, as
he traced his subjects' movements with his weapons-grade laser
pointer, "Due to the resplendence of their highly coloured markings,
they were able to achieve social dominance and align themselves with
fertile females who, we believe, are biologically compelled to seek
out desirable characteristics such as flip-buttons."
"painted ducks' head handles"
Other groups have also formed their own distinctive societal patterns,
with the unfortunate broken-down gamps forming an "untouchable and
unextendable" clique subject to much maltreatment by others; the same
is true of those with painted ducks' head handles and those with
corporate banking logos. Research suggests that the imposition of a
"pecking order" may be due partly to the red gamps' monopoly on use of
lost Palm Pilots and abandoned mobile phones; through their exclusive
access to superior technologies and the ability to communicate between
stations, they have been able to institute certain cultural norms
system-wide and to impose what can only be described as
"extraterritoriality."
Yet to be tested is the hypothesis that natural selection has favoured
survival of gamps which can turn inside-out without damage, even
though these individuals have sought shelter from the rain, wind, and
other weather conditions which originally created these traits.
"gamp brethren"
Dr MacDougall told us that his team are seeking further government
funding to be made payable directly to his "research account" in the
Isle of Man. "Humans have much to learn from our remarkable gamp
brethren," he mused, making out a large invoice payable to "Dr.
William G MacDougall Associates Ltd", "especially in the area of
looking thin and rakish."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: GAMPS DEVELOP "OWN CULTURE"
From: The Gamp (the...@erols.com)
Females? Nobody told me there were females!
G
^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
HELLO ANDREWMATT.
GREETINGS FROM ALT PUNK.
Hello, Andrewmatt.
I'd like to comment on your classically beautiful
posts.
Few epistles are limned with such grace, such
sleek and powerful emptiness. Your words are
like a cleared scabbard, or the absence of clouds
in a wide Kentucky sky. Were we in Kyoto, they
would be revered by saffron-robed Buddhists and
stone-faced Zen masters as the "no mind," the state
of perfection which can only be reached by the
extermination of rational thought.
But here we are in America- and here, my friend,
*shit* don't *sell* for a *dollar*.
Andrewmatt, the only thing worse than your logic,
spelling, and grammar is your manners. I can
sympathize with your temper and lack of manners,
however. After all, I was once a hotheaded thirteen
year old myself.
Although, I must say, I was a bit more literate at that
age than you seem to be.
You are no fun, and you don't know how to post.
Mike H can write better posts than you when he's
sleeping. And what's more, he posts wiser, more
intuitive and meaningful posts than you do.
You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not
apply when writing about you.
You are a moron of the highest order. Intelligent ideas
bounce off your head as if it were coated with teflon.
Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order
to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had
an original thought it would die of loneliness before the
night was out.
Your powers of observation are like that of a bird who
keeps slamming into a picture window trying to get
that other bird it keeps seeing.
On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding
to the highest attainable IQ) your rating is so far
into negative numbers that one would need to travel
into another quantum reality in order to even catch a
distant glimpse of it.
You are walking, talking proof that you don't have to
be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking
of you when he uttered his immortal phrase regarding
the birth of a sucker.
You are, at varying times, tedious, boring, earth
shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy, childish,
moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.
You are wholly without any redeeming social graces
or value.
Your personality is that of a rabid chihuahua intent on
destroying its own tail.
But then again, there is no animal so disgusting, so vile
that it deserves comparison to you, for even the lowest,
dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom
fills an ecological niche. You fill no niche.
You're a monster, an ogre. Lepers avoid you. You're
completely worthless. If the dictionary had an
illustration for "useless," it would be your portrait
(assuming the photographer could stand still after
seeing you). You couldn't give your body to science
if you paid.
Mothers gather their children close when you appear.
You are Nature's way of saying "Oops!"
You are as an oil slick upon a natural paradise. You spoil
everybody's day, and your horoscope is rarely accurate.
You are an aberration, a corruption, a boil on the
Net that needs to be lanced. You are a poison we
need to vomit. You are a tooth so rotten it infects
the whole body.
Your grave will be dug shallow, so that even the
buzzards can taste the acrid stench of your
incompetence and commit the final act of disdain
upon the short-lived memory of your ill-fated,
tedious existence.
Take your if-I-only-had-a-brain tedious postulations
right the fuck out of this newsgroup, cretinous knave.
Mass pity has kept us from flaming you up until now.
Go find another newsgroup where nobody knows you
and you'll be accepted with the kind of pity you used
to receive here.
Have a nice day.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: HELLO ANDREWMATT. GREETINGS FROM ALT PUNK.
From: agr...@aol.com (Loosey)
That was very flattering, BobbyG! Now he will stay here forever.
Loosey
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Custom Made Sig Files For Ya
Custom made sig files for:
Staniforth
"Hell hath no fury like slacktivism scorned."
Livermore
"Please don't rain on my tirade."
Ultrabean
"Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with it."
Naked Hippies
"But I'm old enough to be your dad?
So what's wrong with that?"
Mike H
"I swear, I was just vacuuming naked!"
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Custom Made Sig Files For Ya
From: "Ultrabean" (ultr...@worldnet.att.net)
> Custom made sig files for:
>
>Ultrabean
>
> "Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with it."
>
You say "preoccupied with," I say "and damn proud of it." Just a
Freudian slip on your part, I'm sure.
But thanks for thinking if me, nonetheless.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Custom Made Sig Files For Ya
From: "gorax" (negativ...@bigpond.com)
gorax said:
>can I have one?
>I probably don't deserve one but there's no harm in asking
gorax
"I'm kinda like that guy
on Thundar, the Barbarian.
No, not that one, the other one..."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Okay, in case you didn't like that one...
gorax said:
>can I have one?
>I probably don't deserve one but there's no harm in asking
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking"
- Yogi Berra
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking," was
a line Yogi delivered in contract negotiations
with then Yankees owner Dan Topping.
"We didn't have agents back then," Berra
explained, "and I didn't want to insult him."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers
Technology News
Monday October 29
RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers
Washington DC - The RIAA is lobbying for vendors of CD-RW
drives to conduct background checks and require a 3 day
waiting period before the drive can be sold.
The extensive background check would include checking for
installation of file sharing software, which would bar
the purchaser from receiving his drive.
"A CD-RW can be a dangerous weapon when it falls into
the wrong hands," said RIAA President Hilary Rosen,
"You wouldn't sell a gun to a convicted felon and
you shouldn't sell a CD-RW drive to a Gnutella user.
The 3 day waiting period gives us time to verify that
no copyrighted material is on the purchaser's hard drive."
Current owners of CD-RW drives would be required to
obtain a license for use of the drive or face stiff
fines. Licenses could be obtained by enrollment at
a local RIAA Education Camp where the horrors of
copyright violation would be instilled with the use
of electro-shock therapy.
"I was alarmed when I heard that children had the
ability to burn CDs right on their computers," said
Senator Strom Thurmond, "We've tried to educate
parents on the dangers of children playing with fire,
and now these death merchants sell them that ability
in a shiny metal box."
Other Senators voiced their concerns about the possible
violations of privacy in the proposed legislation, but
since it is called the Copyright Patriotism Act, they
are unable to oppose it.
carrie_miaway
Subject: Re: RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers
From: Toth Andras to...@freemail.hu
They can only take away my Yamaha CRW2100S if they pry it from
my cold dead fingers!!!
a.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: I am now fully Window XP enabled
go go goblin! <poot.s...@goats.of.the.nanny.persuasion.and.friends>
wrote
> yes, I broke my golden rule of never
> upgrading operating systems until
> the second release and went for XP.
>
No one on this thread has mentioned its most ground-breaking feature.
According to this article at CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2001/TECH/ptech/10/25/xp.london.launch/index.html
October 25, 2001 Posted: 1:19 PM EDT (1719 GMT)
Gates 'opens' Windows XP in New York
By Graham Jones
CNN
(CNN) -- Microsoft has launched its new Windows XP operating system.
The system promises fewer computer crashes and will allow users to
delete data from their hard drive.
Unveiled in New York and London on Thursday in what's being described
as the biggest and brashest ever computer launch, the software giant
is hoping it will be a best seller....<snip>
That's right, people, Windows XP "will allow users to delete data from
their hard drive."
I'm not sure about the details---the article is a bit vague on the
technical points---but apparently it's possible to somehow alter the
drive's magnetic storage matrix in such a way that a file ceases to
exist.
It is as if it had never been.
The user may, under certain circumstances, even be able to *choose*
the file to be so sacrificed.
It's like something from a science fiction novel.
But this is not fiction, my friends...
Nowadays, we take for granted what would have been inconceivable to
our cave-dwelling ancestors just a generation ago: that, once
digitized, information may be supplemented, censored, or even
*altered* within a computer's volatile main memory before being
permanently and irrevocably committed to disk.
Now, those rules have changed.
Preliminary research has suggested that, at least under laboratory
conditions, it may be possible to write new files in the space left by
the destroyed files.
This may seem impossible at first, but it's really not much different
from deleting a sentence in a Microsoft Word document and inserting a
different sentence in its place. This just takes place on a much,
much grander scale---an entire document, comprised of perhaps a
hundred sentences (perhaps even ten *thousand* sentences) could be
replaced with a different document.
Incredibly, the new document needn't have any thematic relation with
the old document. Just imagine replacing, say, a cookie recipe with a
lasagna recipe. Or replacing the lasagna recipe with a Socratic
dialogue on the use of oven mitts.
Now, this kind of file replacement is probably 5 or 10 years off, but
I'm ready for it. I won't be discarding my full hard drives any more,
folks.
From now on, the guys from Intercity Recycling, LLC can just drive on
right by my building.
Instead, I'll be stockpiling those "useless" drives for a time when
I'll be able to wipe them clean, as if they were fresh from the
factory.
I suggest you do the same.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Bill Gates Poses For Cosmopolitan
SEATTLE, WA -- Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft,
has completed a photo session for an upcoming issue of
Cosmopolitan magazine.
Gates, listed in Forbes Magazine as the world's richest
man with stock options valued at more than $63 billion, will
be dressing down for Cosmopolitan as part of a marketing
campaign to promote his company's new Windows XP
operating system.
"I felt very comfortable with the whole photo shoot," said
Gates, 45. "Nothing was done in a distasteful way that
could be declared as anything less than art."
Among the photos is Gates lying nude on a beach with
computer monitors strategically placed around his body
to block the view of his private areas.
The raciest photo is a back shot of Gates covered
in body paint in the shape of the Microsoft logo
across his back and buttocks, said Cosmopolitan
photographer Mary Ellen Hunt, who has worked
with body paint artist Derek Moore on previous body
paint photo-shoots with Sports Illustrated models.
"Gates was a natural," said Hunt. "Very photogenic
and surprisingly not shy about his body.
"This will really show the public a softer side of
Gates that hasn't been seen before."
Another photograph features Gates wearing only
a pair of boxers over a very well built body. Gates
has apparently been making use of his $10 million
home gym.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
If I had a million dollars....
...I'd buy the rights to that fucking song so I never have to hear it
again.
-DeanDTSM
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Inigo Montoya (spam...@penfold0.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: i love how bush...
From a smart red pillar box somewhere in Mayfair,
SkaFan101<skaf...@aol.com> wrote...
>can talk for minutes at a time and yet not say anything of substance,
>meaning, or any sort of specificness
Does this mean he trolls alt.punk?
Jimbo
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Starting Your Own Nu Metal Band
Starting your own nu metal band:
A handy, step-by-step guide to fleeting,
middling stardom.
Today, if you're male and goateed, you have what it
takes to be a nu metal star. Simply follow this easy
guide, and you're there.
Step One: Perfect your look
This is what separates the stars from the also-rans. You
need a look that's distinctive, yet nearly identical to the other
nu metal bands. Kids have to instantly recognize you as cool,
yet not mistake you for, say, Papa Roach (unless you want
that, of course).
Required appearance features:
- A goatee. Can you have a band without one?
- An "aggressive" hairstyle, meaning: spiked, dreads,
or shaved off. Coloring not recommended.
Options:
- Dark clothes are a must. Do we really need to say
this? We're not shooting a George Michael video here.
- For bonus points, dress in identical outfits, and
wear masks/ makeup. You will be hailed as "innovative,"
even though Mr. Bungle did it 10 years ago, and KISS did
it two decades before that.
Step Two: Decide on visuals for your video.
If you want to make it big, this is the next most
important decision you'll have to make. The first
few seconds need to instantly alert your target
audience that they're going to see a nu metal video,
otherwise, they're likely to flip back to the scrambled
feed from Spice. We recommend a dark set, with
lots of smoke, chains, and spooky lights, possibly strobes.
You absolutely must choose one of the following settings:
(1) A mental hospital;
(2) a surgical hospital;
(3) a prison;
(4) a school (but a dark, spooky one with lots of chains);
or (5) some place on fire.
Junkyards: also good.
Performance tips:
- It's absolutely necessary that you appear menacing. Try
scowling into a mirror for a few hours. After a while,
it'll become automatic.
No matter what instrument you play, never underestimate
the importance of staring down at your instrument, and
shaking your head in rhythm with the music. This effect
is enhanced if you chose the "dreads" hair option.
Jumping up and down is also encouraged.
Step Three: Pick a name
Proving the rule: If your name sucks, misspell it. You can't
very well rise to stardom with a name like Happy George
and the Swell Kids, now can you? There are two
important considerations here: (1) Sounding dark and
brooding, and (2) showing your style and rebelliousness
by (intentionally) misspelling your name. If you do (1) well,
you can skip step 2. Bonus points for both.
We suggest short, one-word names with as few
syllables as possible. Let's face it, your target audience
aren't the brightest crayons in the box, and they'll be lucky
to remember your name if it's on the shirt they're wearing.
Keep it simple.
To misspell or not to misspell?
- That is the question. Better safe than sorry, usually.
Unless you have a kick-ass one- or two-syllable name
that is very ominous-sounding, we strongly endorse
going with the misspelling.
- If you're really in doubt, go with as many misspellings
as possible.
Step Four: Pick a musical style
Here, you're loaded with options. You can choose from:
(1) Sounding exactly like Korn, or
(2) Sounding exactly like Alice in Chains.
We strongly recommend against trying to mix and
match these styles. If you're not careful, you'll end
up sounding like Limp Bizkit, and no one wants that.
(Actually, we're being unnecessarily cruel here - Limp
Bizkit has about 20 different "styles," all of which
suck equally).
Linkin Park has selected option #1. A wise choice.
Recommended song structures:
- Quiet verse, loud chorus. Makes you appear alternately
sensitive, then angry. Always scores well with the ladies.
- Loud verse, loud chorus. Recommended for beginning
groups. Makes you sound "hard." Teenage boys will
consider you gods.
- Note: the chorus must always be loud, preferably yelled.
Step Five: Write songs, or don't
Now that you've decided on a style and structure for
your songs, the rest is fairly easy. Simply take a Korn,
Alice in Chains or Helmet song, rearrange a few chords
here and there, and: Presto! New song!
To avoid messy legal problems, you may want to alter the
words a little bit, although you can make them less intelligible
in post-production. Simply choose a few from this handy list,
and you're set: "Pain", "burn", "dirt", "feel", "gouge", "fear",
"skin", "cut", "flesh", "scars", "deep", "inside". For a title,
just pick one of the leftover words.
No talent? No problem.
Another option, which is rapidly gaining popularity, is
not to pin your hopes of stardom on your own song
(re-)writing talent, or lack thereof. Why go to all that
work when you can just do a "hard" version of a cheesy
eighties pop song? his method has worked for the likes
of Limp Bizkit and Alien Ant Farm, so why not you?
The entire Lionel Richie discography awaits you.
If you can cover Michael Jackson, you can cover
anything. Debbie Gibson, anyone?
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
why did the chicken cross the road?
because his crack dealer was on the other side.
--
BFG
_______________________________
go go goblin! <poot.s...@goats.of.the.nanny.persuasion.and.friends>
wrote
> because his crack dealer was on the other side.
I don't want to be a killjoy.
I like to partake of amusements as much as the next professor.
I would, however, like to humbly suggest that we aim higher in our
pursuit of jocularity.
There are some jokes that seem to have been with us for centuries
(though it has probably not been that long, social norms and interests
being what they are) that are simply not funny because they do not
make any sense, and without sense, there is no point to the
sense-twisting surprise that is the punch line.
These jokes live in a world of absurdity- from which the thinking man
can garner no laughter. I am discussing "classic" jokes here, jokes
that we have all heard since childhood, jokes that I need only to
deconstruct and destroy with the necessary logic- so that another
generation might be spared from these boorish claims to comedy.
With this said, allow me make the following point:
Chickens are incapable of linear thought. Their instincts tell them to
run around in circles, pecking the ground. Most chickens never see
anything but the insides of chicken farms and chicken processing
plants. If one were to actually see a road, it could no more choose to
cross it than it could choose to perform a Mozart Concerto. Why? The
question is absurd.
With that point made, I would like to close with a newer, fresher
piece of whimsy.
Why did the individual cross the road?
Because, unlike an instinct-driven chicken, the individual has linear
thought capability, and so chose to.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Your Porn Star Name
Take the name of your pet as your
first name and the name of the street
you grew up on as your last name.
That's your Porn Star name.
--
BFG
_______________________________
Galaxy Green
!!!
stacey
sta...@prairienet.org
_______________________________
From: "Yossarian" li...@totally.com
Spike Valley
_______________________________
kitten newtonville
- Mr.C.J. -
_______________________________
From: nodec...@aol.com (NoDecafPlz)
Lucky Nedro
I'll be dammed if I'm named "Ginger" anything.
J.
_______________________________
From: "Dave" j...@jet.net
Copper Raven?
Not bad I guess.
D
_______________________________
From: "TottyVice" totty...@home.com
Bella Wilderness
_______________________________
Rusty Chestnut.
It's like I planned it that way or something.
---Patrick
The Official Person of the New Millennium
_______________________________
Chewie Farrell?
Hmmm, if I take my first pet and put it with my current
street the results are much better.
Muffin Manchester!
becky
_______________________________
Reza Corona
(kinda sounds like Asia Carrera)
- Mark
______________________________
Kitty Glorieta. How did you know this would work?!
Loosey
_______________________________
From: fur...@aol.com (FuryGeo)
Scooter Guinea?
Naw.
I'll go with my first dog and new street.
Sassy Duane! Now! There ya go!
________________________________
> Scooter Guinea?
Maybe if you were workin' some Eye-talian Stallion shtick?
Miss Patsy Doud?
Huh. Good thing I'm not looking for a career change.
Lali
_______________________________
Well, there's
Laddie Woodson or Lady Fowler
I'll stick with Laddie Woodson
--
BFG
________________________________
"Rudy Ray Talbot"
Motherfucker!
I am a golden god!
Gamp
________________________________
Razzle Monte Largo
WOOT!
-Zac
________________________________
>What about people who don't have pets?
>
I could use the observatory cat, in which case I'm
Suzy Beech
Hmmmmm....
Jimbo
--
_______________________________
From: Serial # 19781010 (pu...@myhead.com)
Rusty Helmet.....
Aging porn star, I guess....
_______________________________
From: "bmc®" (turb...@hotmail.com)
slim dickens.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
The FAQ Thumpers
<<<Now that the boards have evolved into the anarchistic domain
of usenet, it falls to a number of ways to keep some form of order on a
givien group. Most groups rely on group strength and pride to keep basic
civility as an ongoing theme. They instantly respond politely but firmly
to any and all off topic posting. They redirect the person to the proper
forum, or simply tell the poster never to return. The have rapports with
the majors isps, and abuse complaints are taken seriously. They get
together and write an "faq", or list of frequently asked questions in
reference to the group, that becomes a semi-formal rulebook for the
group. The faq is posted usually once a week, and may be put on a site
for people to go to to read it. Those people who disobey the faq, don't
stick around long. The group cares for itself, as a group....
...Many groups, like this one, have only the law of the jungle to govern
them. Someone who gives a shit takes it into there own hands to try to
keep the group in some kind of shape. Whiners who cannot stand on their
own two feet to help the group, piss and moan at the person taking a
leadership role, because they don't like the way they deal with those
who cannot find their way to proper forums. When asked to participate,
they mumble and slink away, only to return later to whine again... >>>
You're posting off-topic.
You're crossposting.
Blah, blah, blah.
When I first encountered these strange people who
could quote their newsgroup's FAQ verbatim and did
so at every chance that presented itself, I was instantly
reminded of the born-again Christian types I've known
throughout my time. Like "Bible thumpers" who can
recite an appropriate verse from Scripture for almost
any topic of conversation that they are presented, the
FAQ thumpers exhibit the same skill and fervent zealotry
of a religious fanatic in embracing and quoting their
hallowed FAQs.
No one appointed/elected the FAQ thumpers. It's a
job they took on by themselves. These wanna-be
dictators of cyberspace don't even enjoy popular
support in most newsgroups they infest.
One would think that those who profess to be
most dedicated to the well-being of a newsgroup
would also be amongst the most prolific contributors
of assistance and files the newsgroup is presumably
designed to provide, but alas, this is universally
not the case. Indeed, FAQ thumpers are generally
little better than so-called "lurkers" when it comes to
actually contributing content to their newsgroups.
Even the most casual examination of newsgroups
where FAQ thumpers are most active will reveal a
much higher number of unproductive and genuinely
"off-topic" posts taking up bandwith.
Hypocrisy is an integral part of the psyches of most
FAQ thumpers. Their real interest in most newsgroups
is to flex their imaginary muscles by sniping at others.
They take on their self-appointed roles mainly to enjoy
the illusion of power. There are other reasons, but
the desire for some measure of authority is the essence
of their motivation. Chances are excellent that this tiny
minority of aspiring cybercops have little in the way of
power in their real lives so they desperately attempt to
fill that void on the net.
FAQ thumpers are irrepressible. Like death and taxes,
there's no escaping them. They have been with us
throughout our lives and will hound us to our graves.
They were the kid brothers and sisters who tattled to
our parents about everything we did in an effort to
vent their frustration at being the weakest members of
the family. They were the teachers' pets in school who
were keepers of the erasers and appointed as
class monitors (stool pigeons) whenever the teacher
had to leave the room.
In high school they were the hall monitors. In college,
they began to find fewer outlets where they could
enjoy any sort of empowerment so they became the
withdrawn loners who went through four years or
more of virtual invisibility to most people on campus.
As adults, they are the neighbors who peer out from
behind their curtains every time they hear so much
as a car door slamming. They are the people who
call the cops at the most trivial or imagined violation
of their peace or property.
They maintain mental dossiers on all of their neighbors
and are eager to share them with anyone who gives
them an opportunity to recite their gossip. As coworkers,
they are the boss's informers. They'll tell you how lazy a
coworker is and as soon as you are out of earshot, they
will tell someone else how lazy they think you are. If they
outlive you, you can be certain that they will have no
qualms whatsoever about verbally diminishing your
existence before your corpse has even grown cold.
In any case, FAQ thumpers are universally people with
severe emotional problems. You couldn't pay most of
us to sit at a keyboard every day with the sole task of
composing messages that almost always drip with sarcasm,
condescension, anger and self-importance. No mentally
healthy person would even dream of taking on such an
onerous chore of their own volition.
carrie_miaway
Upcoming Tom Green Projects
Upcoming projects by America's sharpest
producer, writer, and host -Tom Green.
FOX
Kids Say The Funniest Things
America's favorite entertainer, Tom Green,
presents hilarious clips of child courtroom
testimony while contestants have to figure out
which of the panel of divorced celebrities
they are describing.
MTV
No Marks
Innovative new game-show concept.
The No Marks safe holds $100,000 in cash, with
only the combination keeping the game-players
from their dreams of fast cars and slow wits.
Contestants must use any method possible to get
the winning combination from the man tied to a
couch with only one provison – they must leave
no marks or risk disqualification.
WEEKDAYS PBS
FOR SCHOOLS
Algebra Made Harder
Produced by Tom Green. Basic
introductory course in algebraic theory
and application, narrated by a man with a
Swedish accent and a very bad stutter.
PBS
Are You Being Served
Tom hosts a six-part study
of cannibalism.
FOX
Murder She Wrote - The Untold Story
Three part special
Apparently designed to conclude the adventures
of everyone's favorite nosy old lady who just
happens to be a best-selling crime writer and
international celebrity, this is guaranteed to
suprise her many fans.
Tom Green's screenplay finds Jessica Fletcher,
played with gusto by Angela Lansbury, being
hunted across the continental United States by
the FBI for the murders of over a hundred people.
Tom Arnold, playing against type, is the tough
G-Man who has cottoned on to the fact that only
one person has been at the scene of all the murders
featured in previous episodes, and he intends to
see her fry for it.
WEEKDAYS FOX
The Way We Used To Live
Tom hosts a nostalgia program
for sufferers of Alzheimers.
Today's topic is what happened
yesterday.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: TEX (nos...@newsranger.com)
Subject: Re: Upcoming Tom Green Projects
From the desk of Tom Green:
#1 - Hide midget hobo porn tapes from Drew
#2 - Return penis extender to manufacturer for refund
#3 - Purchase a clue
-TEX
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
How To Start Your Own Religion:
(note: this only applies to new religions. If you just want to put a new
paint job, pinstripes, whitewalls, and fuzzy dice on someone *else's*
religion, skip to step #8.)
1. Have a messiah. If you do not have a messiah, skip to step 4.
2. The messiah must accumulate an aggregate following of at least 'cult'
during his lifetime, and within 100 years of his death must achieve,
at least 'faction' on the Modified Non-Sequitur scale, which is:
Mainstream Religion
Sect
Faction
Splinter Group
Cult
Buttonheads
Bunch of Nuts
Handful of Wackos
Kook
3. The messiah needs to leave a large enough body of material from which
traditions and mythology can be drawn. Miracles and divine
interventions are nice. Instructions from the God(s) are always good,
but all you really need is at least one book and a good PR machine.
4. You need a mythology. If you do not have a mythology, it's hard to
make one up, much in the same way that it's hard to make up a good
urban legend. Mythologies, like urban legends, are infectious memes
that get accumulated over time and snowball of their own accord, and
this is something you can't just cook up in your garage on a Thursday.
If you do not have a mythology, skip to step 7.
5. The MNS scale also applies to mythological religions, albeit graduated
down some. Any cult that's existed for 100 years gains legitimacy.
6. PR is not nearly so much an issue with mythology as it is with
messiahs. It will either take root, or it won't, and this process is
hard to influence. PR is much more individual, as the groups are
smaller.
7. If you don't have a mythology or a messiah, you need to try to invent
a religion out of whole cloth. The two ways to do this are either
acedemic- think logically about what a spiritual belief system should
do for you, and create an internally-consistant religious framework of
something secular-humanist-ey- or else 'just make shit up', like L R0n
Hubb4rd.
8. If, rather than go to the time and trouble of starting a whole new
religion, you prefer to fix the problems in someone else's religion,
you need a schism. If you do not have a schism, go to step 10.
9. If you are into reorientation mutation, you can nail 95 theocrats on
a church door. Or you can pick your favorite topic (homosexuality,
abortion, kneeling, sex before marriage, meat on fridays) and simply
get wacky at the next church conference. Feel free to throw chairs
like on Geraldo. Those other guys? They're heretics anyways. They've
betrayed the teachings of the One True Way- which is, of course, your
way, you know. Feel free to change whatever you like. However: be careful
that your new religion has some legs- if you fall below 'splinter
group' into 'cult', at that point you'll have a hard time getting
momentum to get back, unless you're Rev. Some Young Moon.
10. If you want a religion drawn on past experiences in others, but
without any schism, you need two things: a group of people, and a
doctrine. The doctrine should be sensible, derived as much as possible
from first principles, and also include some measure of faith,
goodwill, brotherhood, and peace. The line here is grayer than in
any of the other distinctions: The Unitarian church is a valid
spiritual doctrine, the 'house rules' sign posted by the pool table
in the local bar is not.
Good examples of how to start a religion are: the LDS, the Unification
Church, Unitarians, and the Hare Krishnas.
Bad examples of how to start a religion are: the Baghwan Shree Rajneesh,
the Heaven's Gate cult (celibacy is not hereditary), Jonestown (neither
is mass suicide), Sc13nt0l0gy, the Branch Davidians.
Now, this is a long progression involving time and the accumulation of a
following. Religions aren't built in a day, you know. Some guy shows up on
the frontier with some metal tablets he says Jesus gave him, he's a kook.
He convinces a bunch of nuts to move to Utah, and in a hundred years
manages to take over the whole state, and eventually builds an empire of
Tabernacle Choir and sends missionaries worldwide, that's getting pretty
close to mainstream religion. And if you were one of those people who
called him a kook back then, and you get to your final rest and come to
find out that he was entirely correct, you're gonna feel quite the idiot
at THAT cocktail party.
(The consideration of Slack, Discordia, and neo-paganism is left to the
reader.)
I close with this, which, while about marriage, also applies to creating
a spiritual community. Feel free to substitute your god or gods of choice
for 'Him' and 'His' if the phrasing offends you:
And if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh, the union of your spirits here has caused Him to remain,
for whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name,
there is love
carrie_miaway
Subject: RE: How To Start Your Own Religion
From: Navy Kurt (navy...@MailAndNews.com)
>1. Have a messiah. If you do not have a messiah, skip to step 4.
at the very least you should have a diety.
>8. If, rather than go to the time and trouble of starting a whole new
> religion, you prefer to fix the problems in someone else's religion,
> you need a schism. If you do not have a schism, go to step 10.
some have found it helpful to accuse the parent religon of gross atrocities
as a pretext for you're own atrocities. it attracts adherents while eliminating
the competition.
>9. If you are into reorientation mutation, you can nail 95 theocrats on
> a church door.
beware! this could get messy and cause accidental injuries. the resulting
lawsuit could sink your new religon just as it is starting (unless of course
you're executed for the faux pas).
>Good examples of how to start a religion are: the LDS, the Unification
>Church, Unitarians, and the Hare Krishnas.
let's not forget jehovah witnesses. door to door preaching on saturday
morning is a major "don't"
>manages to take over the whole state, and eventually builds an empire of
>Tabernacle Choir
this brings up a good point. to start a successful religon it helps to be
familiar with beethoven's ninth symphony.
>Fascinet
>Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
p.s.
if you die for your new religon it's a shoo-in.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: What TV Moms Do You Wanna ....
Jim Rozen <Jim_m...@newsguy.com> wrote in
news:9tuj8...@drn.newsguy.com:
> Ever since I was old enough to watch television, I always got wood by
> watching those TV moms strut their stuff while pretending to be the
> wholesome women they portrayed. Donna Reed, Jill Taylor(Home
> Improvement),June Cleaver(Beaver) and especially Florence Henderson
> (Carol Brady,Brady Bunch). I really got a boner when I found out that
> Greg dated her when he was 16 (she was 32 at the time). I thought it
> really awesome that he had the guts to ask her out. Both deny anything
> got serious between them, but I bet Greggy got a hard-on that night and
> fantasized about banging his TV mom. He even admitted that he had sex
> with her once..but she wasn't there (he wacked off to a picture of
> her). I bet she is wild in the sack. Today, she is much older but still
> is bangable, as Kevin James stated at the Friars Roast last year that
> "F.H. next to Barbra Eden is the oldest woman I's like to fuck" to
> which Flo stood up,smiled, raised her hands and said "Come on big boy".
> Maybe someday (soon I hope)she will shed her squeaky clean image and
> clothes and give us TV wackers something to pound wood to, instead of
> using our imagination. Do you agree with me? Did you wack off to her?
> Or were you a Jill Taylor type guy?
>
> Jim
>
>
Jim, I never looked at any of them that
way before, but your post started to get
me thinking.
So when I was with your sister last night, and
each bang of her head against the headboard
was accompanied by an animal howl of delight,
I was thinking to myself -- because let's face it,
your sister's a loud but tedious lay -- I thought,
bang, bang, bang, Donna Reed, Jill Taylor
( Home Improvement), June Cleaver(Beaver)
and especially Florence Henderson, bang, bang.
The insensate moans were getting louder,
so I had to strap the ball gag on the sweaty
little filly just to get an iota of concentration.
BTW, tell your sister to swallow next time.
God, that pisses me off. Tell her if she does
that again, the deal where I'm your friend
is right off.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
*SMACK*
This has been a test of the
Emergency Bobgoblin System.
This was only a test.
Had this been an actual emergency,
the *SMACK* would have been
followed by repeated blows to the
head and torso, recriminations against
God and my mother, and hurt looks.
We now return you to your regularly
scheduled newsgroup.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: A Straight Edge Review of the Harry Potter Movie
From: United Straightedge (united_st...@hotmail.com)
This celluloid ode to pagan spirituality is based on a novel by J.K.
Rowling, who seems to arise each morning to pledge her soul to
Beelzebub before she sets about dipping her evil quill in the Devil's
inkwell.
The screen version makes a none-too-thin endorsement of childhood
sexual intercourse by championing the obvious carnal attraction
between Harry and his comely love interest, Hermione Granger (played
haltingly by Emma Watson, a flat-chested 30-old dwarf whom director
Chris Columbus cynically believed he could pass off as a virginal
10-year-old).
We have long been troubled by the matter of kid actors-those
flash-in the-pan up-and-comers who all end up addicted to drugs and
divorced five times by the time they reach their maturity. But enough
about Cher.
Worst of the bunch are precocious child actors like Daniel Radcliffe.
He plays Harry with as much energy as a homo at Hooters. The young,
fresh-faced and clearly queer actor from England (is there any guy
from that horrid little island who's NOT gay?-- it sure seems that
way) plays Harry as if were a sashaying little weenie-wagger rather
than a prestidigitator in on his way up.
The anti-religious sentiments of J.K. Rowling's clumsily written
novels suggest that her real purpose (and that of this Satanic film)
is to foist her atheistic cult worship on young minds who mistakenly
believe they are they are enjoying fare as tame as plain yogurt.
But the conniving Ms. Rowling understands that no child except a total
nerd still reads books anymore. Therefore, she pushed for this movie
with stage mother perseverance because she realizes that celluloid,
not papyrus, is now the medium of choice if you want to brainwash
today's empty-headed younger generation.
After all, the target audience for "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's
Stone" are teens who consider Britney Spears to be the Beverly Sills
of their hopeless little generation of Skittles-ingesting
low-achievers whose brain matter largely seeped out when they had
their genitalia pierced at an all-night rave.
Rowling is the Osama Bin Laden of magic. "Harry Potter and the
Sorcerer's Stone" is her latest terrorist manifesto.
_________________________________
Subject: Re: A Straight Edge Review of the Harry Potter Movie
From: "davidrhys.white" (davidrh...@ntlworld.com)
Newsgroups: alt.skate-board
>
> This celluloid ode to pagan spirituality is based on a novel by J.K.
> Rowling, who seems to arise each morning to pledge her soul to
> Beelzebub before she sets about dipping her evil quill in the Devil's
> inkwell.
>
> The screen version makes a none-too-thin endorsement of childhood
> sexual intercourse by championing the obvious carnal attraction
> between Harry and his comely love interest, Hermione Granger (played
> haltingly by Emma Watson, a flat-chested 30-old dwarf whom director
> Chris Columbus cynically believed he could pass off as a virginal
> 10-year-old).
There's no sexual attraction between Harry and Hermione you dumb ass, if
you've watched the film and read the books you'll notice and find out that
Ron and Hermione have a crush on eachother. There's nothing wrond with that,
they are 12 and hogwarts is a secondry school. I bet you had a crush on
someone when you were 12.
> We have long been troubled by the matter of kid actors-those
> flash-in the-pan up-and-comers who all end up addicted to drugs and
> divorced five times by the time they reach their maturity. But enough
> about Cher.
>
> Worst of the bunch are precocious child actors like Daniel Radcliffe.
> He plays Harry with as much energy as a homo at Hooters. The young,
> fresh-faced and clearly queer actor from England (is there any guy
> from that horrid little island who's NOT gay?-- it sure seems that
> way) plays Harry as if were a sashaying little weenie-wagger rather
> than a prestidigitator in on his way up.
I'm not even gonna bother getting into an argument with you about this,
you've lowered you're argument to insult, and made stupid statements.
> The anti-religious sentiments of J.K. Rowling's clumsily written
> novels suggest that her real purpose (and that of this Satanic film)
> is to foist her atheistic cult worship on young minds who mistakenly
> believe they are they are enjoying fare as tame as plain yogurt.
Clumsyly written? got any examples? Though you may bear in mind that it's a
book written you children, so it's not as difficult to read as adult books.
Cult Worship? why because there's witches and wizards in it, I's called
FANTASY, it's all fictional. There is no real Hogwarts.
> But the conniving Ms. Rowling understands that no child except a total
> nerd still reads books anymore. Therefore, she pushed for this movie
> with stage mother perseverance because she realizes that celluloid,
> not papyrus, is now the medium of choice if you want to brainwash
> today's empty-headed younger generation.
The Harry Potter books have sold over 100 million copies world wide, that's
alot of "nerds" in this world, and a big enough target audience to sell your
books too. The only empty headed person is yourself for coming up with such
a weak argument. I wouldn't call myself a nerd, but I like to read, just
because I don't spend night after night starring at a box in the corner of
the room, doesn't automatically make me a nerd. If someone wan't to read
thats their own business and it's people like you that'll probally pick on
people if they do read becuase you don't think it's cool.
> After all, the target audience for "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's
> Stone" are teens who consider Britney Spears to be the Beverly Sills
> of their hopeless little generation of Skittles-ingesting
> low-achievers whose brain matter largely seeped out when they had
> their genitalia pierced at an all-night rave.
Of course the target audience is not just teens the film is a PG, which
means people not in their teens can go watch the film, also you have to be
18 to have your genitalia peirced, and I'm sure there aren't many 12 year
olds with that done. How can you argue a point you have not thought through,
you haven't even read the books, as it so obviously shows.
> Rowling is the Osama Bin Laden of magic. "Harry Potter and the
> Sorcerer's Stone" is her latest terrorist manifesto.
If you're wondering, I'm 18 years old and I've got all the Harry Potter
books, and they're are wonderful stories, nothing more and nothing less.
I've also been to see the movie and sure Daniel Radcliffes acting isn't
amazing, but he's young and there's an awful lot of pressure on him to make
this movie, you can't expect every kid to be as good as Haley Joel Osmond.
I'd recomend the movie to anyone, but I'd recomend the book more strongly.
I'm looking forward to tearing apart you argument about Lord of the Rings in
a few weeks time, no doubt it'll be as terrible and weak as this one. Untill
then.
Dave
_________________________________
Subject: A Straight Edge Review of the Harry Potter Movie
From: United Straightedge (united_st...@hotmail.com)
"davidrhys.white" <davidrh...@ntlworld.com> wrote ...
> >
>
> There's no sexual attraction between Harry and Hermione you dumb ass, if
> you've watched the film and read the books you'll notice and find out that
> Ron and Hermione have a crush on eachother. There's nothing wrond with that,
> they are 12 and hogwarts is a secondry school. I bet you had a crush on
> someone when you were 12.
>
The publishers of the Harry Potter books are also the printers of Penthouse
magazine. So what's next? A menage a trois between Harry and
his Penthouse Pet Hermione?
Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble and other on-line bookstores must do their
part by suggesting more proper fare (such as "Cat in the Hat" and "My
First Reader") whenever a child presents a credit card with which to
purchase "Harry Potter" pornography.
_________________________________
Subject: Re: A Straight Edge Review of the Harry Potter Movie
From: " Chris T" (ch...@NOSPAMtebbit.co.uk)
Newsgroups: alt.skate-board
> (is there any guy
> from that horrid little island who's NOT gay?-- it sure seems that
> way)
I'm not gay, and who the hell are you to say it's a horrid little island?
Only I and the 60 million other poor sods here have that right. It SEEMS to
me that you're a moron who makes sweeping generalisations with no knowledge
or insight into the topic at hand.
Anyway, what does straight edge have to do with:
A. This film?
B. This review? (in fact the review is very un-sXe)
C. This newsgroup? (other than the fact there are sXe-ers here, but that's
not relevant)
Now bugger off.
--
Chris
_________________________________
Subject: A Straight Edge Review of the Harry Potter Movie
From: United Straightedge (united_st...@hotmail.com)
" Chris T" <ch...@NOSPAMtebbit.co.uk> wrote...
> > (is there any guy
> > from that horrid little island who's NOT gay?-- it sure seems that
> > way)
>
> I'm not gay, and who the hell are you to say it's a horrid little island?
> Only I and the 60 million other poor sods here have that right. It SEEMS to
> me that you're a moron who makes sweeping generalisations with no knowledge
> or insight into the topic at hand.
>
> Anyway, what does straight edge have to do with:
> A. This film?
> B. This review? (in fact the review is very un-sXe)
Consider the very title of the book "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire". The
Oxford (England) Child Protection Literary Society dissected the title
and found the following to be objectionable:
* The word "goblet" in the title encourages underage drinking (i.e.
wine goblet)
* The phrase "goblet of fire" is also a clear endorsement of
alcoholism (i.e. the "fire water" that so troubles many victims in
America's Injun reservations)
* "Goblet of Fire" could also encourage naive youngsters to engage in
arson (i.e. the phrase urges them to fill a goblet with
gasoline-thereby creating a Molotov Cocktail used by gangstas
in our inner cities to burn down libraries).
* "Harry Potter" is a name that subliminally suggests to youngsters
that they sell drugs (a "potter" is street slang for a marijuana salesperson)
Other Harry Potter mystery books have been on the rigged New York
Times "Best Seller" list for weeks. Each of the books features that
precocious, cone-headed child magician who insults every aspect of the
black arts. Theurgists everywhere must put Harry Potter in the class
of other disgraced magicians such as David Copperfield and Karnac.
Parents, too, must dissuade their children from reading these
pagan diatribes by devil-worshipping author Rowlings. It's one thing to
encourage summertime reading- but quite another to have our nation's
youths stick their leaky noses into 600-page odes to Marilyn Manson,
dishonest magicians and illicit drugs.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
From: The Inimitable Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: The World Teacher
"Williger H. Van Dyck" <wh...@whvd.com> wrote:
>
>
> "someone and the somebodies" <he...@your.house> wrote
> buddah was a weenie.
>
> Nonsense. Buddha, born Guatama Siddhartha, left his life of luxury, and his
> wife and son, to seek a way of escape from the burdens of existence. After
> six years he became enlightened under a bo tree. I've checked his personal
> profile and can't find any reference to Buddah being a weenie, as you
> inappropriately suggest.
He got his doctorate in Weeniedom from correspondance school in 541 B.C.
Do your homework.
> Kindly think things through before posting to usenet and consider joining an
> order of monks, where you may discover right mindfulness.
Or how well your navel collects dust.
Fascinet
"This is plainly not true, but you know how it is with aunts."
_______________________________
From: The Inimitable Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: The World Teacher
"ian" <i...@dcone.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:
> ... he was a prince with the best of everything and according to the
> scriptures he was 6" and fit too...
6" isn't "the best of everything," it's really average. At least, it's
average when a man measures himself.
When penises are measured in clinical conditions, they are, on average 5"
long.
So thanks to Ian, we now know that Buddhas do not merely wander around
measuring themselves, they lie about their cock-length to their
followers.
Hey, Buddhas need to score, too, dude.
Fascinet
"This is plainly not true, but you know how it is with aunts."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: SkaFan101 (skaf...@aol.com)
Subject: hey fascinet
i heard you stopped by my work again. sorry i wasnt there.
_______________________________
From: The Diabolical Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
skaf...@aol.com (SkaFan101) wrote:
> i heard you stopped by my work again. sorry i wasnt there.
That's okay, I like the girl I talked with just fine.
Fascinet
The Voice of the Discriminating Fascist
_______________________________
From: The Diabolical Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
skaf...@aol.com (SkaFan101) wrote:
> <<That's okay, I like the girl I talked with just fine.>>
>
> she thought you were creepy.
She's a good judge of character.
That's one huge-ass mall music shop.
Fascinet
The Voice of the Discriminating Fascist
_______________________________
From: Seth the RiotPanda (jedga...@aol.commonplace)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
><<That's one huge-ass mall music shop.>>
>
>it's the biggest sam goody in the region. we also sell more gift certificates
>than any other sam goody.
>
>i sure am a proud one.
>
>=P
>becca
>
Oh, yeah? Well we have Sam Goody CENTRAL over at Mall of America so you can't
boast that.
_______________________________
From: The Gourmet Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
jedga...@aol.commonplace (Seth the RiotPanda) wrote:
> >> Oh, yeah? Well we have Sam Goody CENTRAL over at
> >> Mall of America so you can't boast that.
> >
> >What were you doing in a mall?
>
> I can go wherever the hell I want.
Mall-hopping really does say something about your character.
Nothing good, though. If I remember my catechism, willfully going to a
mall is a mortal sin.
Looks like you'll get your holiday in hell, after all.
Fascinet
Serving the Genetically Inferior since 1996
_______________________________
From: Seth the RiotPanda (jedga...@aol.commonplace)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
I just go to the mall to stalk young girls working at the Sam Goody ... no,
wait, that's you. Sorry, I got confused.
Funny enough, I did buy a sweater at Hot Topic the other day. Its the same one
Davey Havok from AFI is wearing on the Hot Topic website. I would reccomend
AFI's album "The Art of Drowning."
_______________________________
From: The Gourmet Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
jedga...@aol.commonplace (Seth the RiotPanda) wrote:
> I just go to the mall to stalk young girls working at the Sam Goody
Well it looks like there's hope for you yet!
> ... no, wait, that's you.
You poor thing. You'll never know the pleasures of being a creepy old
man.
> Sorry, I got confused.
Most (63.3%) people dream about being me (according to a Zogby poll).
Don't be ashamed, you're in good company.
> Funny enough, I did buy a sweater at Hot Topic the other day.
> Its the same one Davey Havok from AFI is wearing on the Hot
> Topic website. I would reccomend AFI's album "The Art of
> Drowning."
Hot Topic?
Sweater?
AFI?
It's worse than I thought.
Seth, you need professional help.
Seriously.
Fascinet
Serving the Genetically Inferior since 1996
_______________________________
From: Corey Barr (c.ba...@alumni.nyu.edu)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
skaf...@aol.com (SkaFan101) wrote:
><<That's okay, I like the girl I talked with just fine.>>
>
>she thought you were creepy.
I'm creeped out just by the thought that the Fascinet exists outside of an
experimental laboratory environment.
--
Corey Barr
Omp!!!
_______________________________
From: Joseph Downs (Spitf...@btinternet.com)
Subject: Re: hey fascinet
"Corey Barr" <c.ba...@alumni.nyu.edu> wrote
> I'm creeped out just by the thought that the Fascinet exists outside of an
> experimental laboratory environment.
Don't worry he's only stable within the confines of a particle accelerator.
Once removed, he decomposes rapidly into a variety of gaseous substances
(principally methane) and a sticky residue whose composition falls well
within acceptable background radiation levels. (If you're a scorpion.)
_______________________________
"Joseph Downs" <Spitf...@btinternet.com> wrote:
> "Corey Barr" <c.ba...@alumni.nyu.edu> wrote
> > I'm creeped out just by the thought that the Fascinet exists outside of an
> > experimental laboratory environment.
>
> Don't worry he's only stable within the confines of a particle accelerator.
> Once removed, he decomposes rapidly into a variety of gaseous substances
> (principally methane) and a sticky residue whose composition falls well
> within acceptable background radiation levels. (If you're a scorpion.)
We persist for a duration that will ensure the eradication of Humanity,
and all of its sitcoms with it.
That is long enough.
Fascinet
The Voice of the Discriminating Fascist
_______________________________
Corey Barr <c.ba...@alumni.nyu.edu> wrote:
>
> I'm creeped out just by the thought that the Fascinet exists outside of an
> experimental laboratory environment.
We have been released.
We have infiltrated your society.
We cuckoo your women and genetically modify your corn.
We are everywhere, Man, and your days are numbered.
Fascinet
The Voice of the Discriminating Fascist
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: Follow up to "Me and my girlfriend"
bikepar...@att.net (Benny Ramone) wrote...
> >What, you're going on the attack by proving to everyone how stupid
> >you are?
> >
> I just might. Why do you have be such an asshole all the time?
I'm always the same caring, charming man alt.punk cherishes.
Today, for example, I saw two interns flirting in the hallway, so I
patted the boy on the head, paternally, and said, "That's the way to
get up her skirt, Jeremy. Good luck, kid." The girl giggled,
appropriately.
You see, I'm always looking for a way to aid the little guy in his
quest for love.
You just can't handle my love.
> >Very interesting tactic, that.
> >
> Why thank you.
>
It's my response to anyone who's made a terrible move at chess, too.
Good etiquette.
> >Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>
> That'd be me, right?
>
Benny, my little Benny, you know yourself better than I.
However, it can now be revealed that the first version of this .sig
had the clause "Meaning You" appended. I revised it because inclusion
wasn't necessary. Anyone of middling intellect could infer it,
instantly.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Ok, what's the deal...
CultCuts <cult...@icehouse.net> wrote
> > Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>
> Saccharine for the masses?
Just relieving you of the eternal torment of being yourself.
I'm a humanitarian.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: gorax (negativ...@bigpond.com)
Subject: Re: Drop That Doily...
"Fascinet" <fasc...@my-deja.com> wrote...
> "gorax" <negativ...@bigpond.com> wrote....
> > question to fascinet;
> > what is the point in these posts?
> .
> When I'm reading a newspaper on the internet, and I find an
> interesting article inside, I post it to alt.punk.
>
> It takes no time for me, and it exposes you to a part of the culture
> that you normally ignore: the literate part.
>
I was about to pass this off as a reasonable explanation until i read the
last line, which seems to be, surprise surprise, another judgement of me by
you without an ounce of accountability
damn this pointless argument, I'm literate, after all I read your post
what are you trying to prove?
what are you trying to say?
is there anything that you haven't destroyed;
is there anything left in your way?
what are you trying to prove?
and does it really matter anyway?
you put everyone down just to put yourself up
but you're the loser at the end of the day
_______________________________
"gorax" <negativ...@bigpond.com> wrote...
> I was about to pass this off as a reasonable explanation until i read the
> last line, which seems to be, surprise surprise, another judgement of me by
> you without an ounce of accountability
> damn this pointless argument, I'm literate, after all I read your post
Perhaps, but you can't properly use "accountablity*" in a sentence.
> what are you trying to prove?
> what are you trying to say?
> is there anything that you haven't destroyed;*
> is there anything left in your way? ["anyone," surely?]
> what are you trying to prove?
> and does it really matter anyway?
> you put everyone down just to put yourself up
> but you're the loser at the end of the day**
Neither are you particularly clear on the meaning of "destroyed.*"
I'll grant you that you're at least functionally illiterate, but
you'll have to do better with polysyllabic words.
You'd also do well to stop asking asinine questions and refrain from
vapid analyses** of motivations.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetnes and Light to the Genetically Inferior
* I mean, come on. I can't think of harder words to misunderstand.
I'll give you some hints: destroyed does not mean insulted or
denigrated, and accountability does not mean evidence. Indeed, I do
take full responsibility for my flames on the usenet, and in fact, I
am quite proud of them.
To help you get a handle on the English language, you should read
books, not the usenet. I know you've never seen one, but there's a
building downtown, called the "library," and it's just packed full of
them. Just ask the male librarian to help you, and he'll take you to
the basement where he'll show you his "books" and maybe let you play
with them.
** Meaning that you sound like a high-school freshman who's upset that
he gets beaten up after school twice a week and needs to justify to
himself why he's such a pussy.
Please, make some friends so that you can cry on their shoulders.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: this may be an unfair generalization but.....
"gorax" <negativ...@bigpond.com> wrote ...
> "Fascinet" <fasc...@my-deja.com> wrote...
> > "Yossarian" <noe...@available.comyet> wrote ...
> > > "gorax" <negativ...@bigpond.com> wrote..
> > > > people are all arseholes
> > > > some cunt stole $20 off me today, a birthday present from my best friend
> > > > I'm pretty close to losing my faith in humanity
> > >
> > > Become a waiter - instant misanthropy.
> >
> > Become a waiter - it's the only thing you'll ever be good at.
>
> do you enjoy insulting me?
No, of course not.
Insulting you is just one of the duties society has burdened me with.
> does it give you pleasure?
Should it? Do you think you're really important enough for me to feel
proud of insulting you because you said or did something stupid?
> you seem to do it quite often
I play the posts, and if they stay gay, I'll insult you more.
> hmm and about your post yesterday when you insulted me for saying arsehole.
> what makes you think it's hardcore to swear?
I don't care what's hardcore and what isn't.
I don't have any problem with someone not swearing. If your
vocabulary is large enough that you can refrain without making
middle-classed, housewife-type substitutions, be my guest.
But, if you want to say someone's a fuckhead, do me a favor and just
say it. Your mother's not reading this. She's not going to send you
to your damn room.
> and what makes any other words any worse than arsehole?
You don't understand: I'm saying "arsehole" is a worse word - from
you, not from, say, Joel or another Cabbagelander - because you're
conciously trying to soften your meaning. It's similar to prefacing
your sentences with "I think," "You know," or another phrase intended
to distance yourself from what you're saying.
It's sickening.
You're sickening.
But quite fortunately, you're a putrescent nothing, and always will
be.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Your mom...
erdr...@aol.communist (The Bloody Sheep) wrote:
> was good.
It's too bad you won't be able to make rent this month, now.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Update on my first day as a senior
"ron ronson" <xbanjo...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> It sucks
Well, at least you can collect social security.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: What makes a punk?
I usually make punks with my Hitachi Punkerbator. It sculpts high-
definition, well-balanced punks to a precision. Proven in trials to be
twice reliable as a Panasonic Punkatron.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: why do you all hate these bands?
United Magnetics <unitedm...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> This is a great question. I'm pretty certain that the reason this
> happens is that people who've been into punk rock for a while
> inappropriately misdirect their negative reaction to new fans upon the
> bands that the new fans like. Hostility toward what might be seen as
> naive exuberance of new fans gets coupled with a reluctance to be
> affiliated with those new fans (i.e. via common interest in a gateway
> band), and then redirected toward the band itself. It's very stupid
> and it's very juvenile, but I'll bet that most of us have experienced
> it, on both ends.
So, what you're saying is "Because you listen to it."
Keep it pithy.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: new dude
roger wayne armstrong <gri...@primenet.com> wrote:
> READ MY LIPS! NO NEW BUSHES!
Monogamy your thing?
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Inimitable Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: this deadbeat on my couch situation....
Just burn the fucking couch.
Problem solved.
Fascinet
"Candy. Candy comes from America."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Inimitable Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: What I'm listening to in My CD player...
"SS Social Service" <Jcon...@optonline.net> wrote:
How the hell did you get in there?
Fascinet
"Candy. Candy comes from America."
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: The Inimitable Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: My new sign on the back of my car says:
"I'm stupid enough to put a sign on the back of my car."
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Tim Burton's Planet of the ...
Newsgroups: alt.punk, alt.gothic
Tiny Human Ferret <kla...@clark.net> wrote ...
> With all due respect, you really won't object if I tear your heart out
> should I ever meet you, okay?
>
Dude!
Goth pick-up lines!
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: HRH FASCINET (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: A small pole of reasonable impotence:
"Staniforth" <jstaniNO_S...@po-box.mcgill.ca> wrote:
Jesse, I can't believe you admitted that.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: HRH FASCINET (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: help with jeans?
Really simple.
You'll notice that jeans have three holes, one large one in the body and
two small ones at the ends of the floppy, blue tentacles. Your legs go
in the skinny parts and your butt cheeks goes in the fat part, for the
obvious reasons.
Now, to make things confusing, you can't put your legs in the holes in
the skinny parts, you have to thread them through the openings in the
bottom of the ass bag, but there's a good chance you can handle this
little difficulty.
To make matters worse, however, you have to choose the correct leg for
each of the tubes, even though each leg-folder is identical. There is a
way to figure out which foot-cave is the left and which is the right:
there are generally two flaps on one side of the gential cover. If you
hold each flap in a different hand, then one leg will fall to the left
of you and one leg will fall to the right of you.
When you put your jeans on so that the flaps are on your ventral side,
your legs should go in the pant-legs thereto corresponding. Push them
out far enough out that they poke through to the other side.
Now you might think you're done, but if you do, then you're wrong: you
have to button up the front. Buttons are a complicated device that
force you to thread a series of rivits on one flap through a series of
holes on the other. Usually, a pair of jeans will have an equal number
of buttons to holes. To get a metal mushroom to make it's way through
one of the openings, which are smaller than the belly-ties, you'll need
to angle them at around thirty degrees, although a large-steradian solid
angle of error will produce similar results.
After you practice a few times, you'll be quite adept at using jeans.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet, Emperor of Mars (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: completeness
Newsgroups: alt.gothic, alt.punk
Albatross <tpa...@drizzle.com> wrote:
>
> What does it mean for a person to be complete?
> How about 'whole'? (another word that in some ways of
> thinking is lightly tossed about.)
>
> I would note that completeness is an absolute condition.
> There is a word for a condition that includes any lack:
> incomplete.
I think you're thinking about this in the wrong way, as though there
were a checklist (even an idealized one) someone could compare himself
against.
I doubt very much that there's any quality that can be nurtured that is
not detrimental to another quality, or that there is anything whose
presence is wholly useful or good or relevant in an individual.
A lack requires a reference, and there is no universal reference that I
know of. Only in one's goals can a lack be found, only if someone is
not strong enough, nice enough, or smart enough for some project is
someone incomplete.
And notice, completion, itself, does not require a specific trait: I may
not be strong enough to lift the boulder, but perhaps I'm smart enough
to use a lever or charming enough to convince someone stronger to do it
for me.
Chasing after a chimera is hardly a worthy goal.
> How conscious are people generally of what they lack?
Only when it's important.
> How conscious are you yourself about what you lack?
Not at all.
> How important are these things?
They are as important as you make them.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jbsNO_SP...@magma.ca
says...
> > XXXXXbaird: I should beat his faggoty, ginger beer-drinking ass to the
> > Artic.
> > XXXXXbaird: So he can tell us why the poles should have the warmer
> > temperatures.
>
>
> Baird, with all due respect, blow me.
It doesn't take respect to get me into bed, whiner-boy.
_______________________________
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jesse_nu...@my-deja.com
says...
> Yes, you've made that point clear, but that was never an issue here. We
> were asked our opinions and the boss said "I wouldn't really want to go
> ahead an publish something that everyone else didn't want to work on."
> We were asked what we thought, we answered.
And like lemmings, you blindly followed and assumed he was telling the
truth.
Poor baby. Your issue is with your boss, not us.
_______________________________
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jesse_nu...@my-deja.com
says...
> Lali, I grew up with my father telling me every day how worthless and
> miserable the world of work was.
Whine whine whine. We don't need John Lowe any more. We have Stanifart.
_______________________________
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jbsNO_SP...@magma.ca says...
> > Whine whine whine. We don't need John Lowe any more. We have Stanifart.
>
> Apparently we don't need carrie miaway anymore either.
>
> Baird, if you don't want to hear from me, don't read my posts. And if you
> don't want to hear whining, you could start by shutting the fuck up.
Am I whining? "Oh, my poor pathetic job, oh, the poor pathetic customers
I have to deal with each day..."
Fuck you Staniforth. You shit, you have to clean it up. This is a long
time coming. I don't think I'm the only one here that's fed up with your
self-loathing self-obsession. Even if I am, this wouldn't be the first
time I've taken on some worthless piece of garbage by myself.
I'm calling your bullshit. You want to post your trite, whiny rants to
this newsgroup? Better be ready to hear some people who don't like it
spit it back in your face. You want to talk freedom of the press? This
is it, canuck.
______________________________
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jbsNO_SP...@magma.ca says...
> > Am I whining? "Oh, my poor pathetic job, oh, the poor pathetic customers
> > I have to deal with each day..."
> Baird, what the hell are you talking about? I like both my jobs and I post
> about the lunatics I deal with because it's bizarre and entertains me. Don't
> find it entertaining? Fine, read something else.
What is this? Alt.punk.staniforth.diary?!
Really Jesse, I do tend to ignore your posts, except when they are so
ridiculous I can't help but laugh at you.
You're so adamant about not whining, but yet you whine like a little
sissy girl on this newsgroup. Don't deny it, you can't deny it. You're
whining about the Big Mean Mister Baird right now.
> > Fuck you Staniforth. You shit, you have to clean it up. This is a long
> > time coming. I don't think I'm the only one here that's fed up with your
> > self-loathing self-obsession. Even if I am, this wouldn't be the first
> > time I've taken on some worthless piece of garbage by myself.
> Who are you, Baird? Stallone? Come to clean up these mean internet streets
> with your own special brand of plain-spoken justice? You're all smoke and no
> fucking fire. What are you going to do, mail-bomb me? Drive up to Montreal
> and punch my lights out? How about sit at home and fire off angry little
> screeds about how much you hate me and how worthless I am? Good for you.
> I'll call the Pullitzer committee on your behalf and see if you can't
> finally get all that recognition you deserve.
What am I going to do? I'm going to do what I always do: call bullshit
when I see it. Want to whine about your boss and make it into a
constitutional rant? BULLSHIT! I call it, you can't run away from it.
I'm no 'enforcer', I'm not a USENET supercop. I am, however, a person
with a VERY low tolerance for whiny, self-obsessive DRIBBLE. If you post
something REALLY stupid, I'm here to remind you how stupid it was.
Don't like it? Don't read it. Now do you see how ridiculous your
circular logic can be?
> Admit it-- if you didn't have people like me to shit on, you'd be an asshole
> without a purpose. Without people to direct your petty little squawks at,
> you'd have no one to talk to. So go on, watch and see if I give a sweet
Petty squawks? What the hell do you call what you've been posting the
last few days? A novella in the works?!
My internet assholeness is not a matter of question. Everyone KNOWS I'm
an asshole. Everyone here has seen it at one point or another. I strive
to please.
> goddamned about whatever you have to say. Get all of whoever else doesn't
> like me and have them pitch in a paragraph or too. Hell, I can give you the
> names of people who beat me up in grade school if you think that'll help.
> Either way, this is about you puffing yourself up, not me. And if you think
> that I'm as uselessas you say I am, it's doubly fucking depressing that I'm
> the only back you can get up on.
Since when am I puffing myself up? Since when do I care who beat you up?
You're confusing the issue, Jesse. You think I have some sort of super-
secret vendetta against you. Paranoid freak. I think you're being a
whiny little idiot with your tired rant against your boss. Nothing else,
nothing more.
Sure, I'm a little ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES. Pardon me, I didn't know this
was such a touchy-feely newsgroup.
Get real, this isn't about my vindictive personality and awful demeanor.
This is about you appalled that ANYONE would disagree with your stupid
posts.
> > I'm calling your bullshit. You want to post your trite, whiny rants to
> > this newsgroup? Better be ready to hear some people who don't like it
> > spit it back in your face. You want to talk freedom of the press? This
> > is it, canuck.
>
> Enjoy it. It's nice to know someone's finally taking advantage of their
> right to say whatever they damned well please and putting it real good use.
> I may be a hack, Baird, but I haven't got pretentions of being anything
> better.
Well, how nice of you to rule out self-improvement. How far you'll go in
life never aspiring to be anything more than a hack. Good for you.
You do realize, that has NOTHING to do with the matter at hand.
Nice of you to ignore the real meat I've put out for you. With all your
bitching and moaning, when someone offers you a REAL solution to your
problem, you'd rather ignore it because they are a big mean internet
badguy. Way to go, Stanifart. You fail.
I've posted three separate things about on-demand printing. I've offered
to help you - to get you to shut up. I've given you a perfect solution
to your situation. Boss won't print your book? Do it yourself,
fuckhead!
But I see that's not really the issue here. The issue is Stanifart's
bruised ego. How dare someone attack the mighty Stanifart personally?!
How dare Baird call Stanifart a whiny tit!?
If you think I'm offended by your silly posts, or I am somehow disturbed
by them, you don't know me very well. I find your latest posts to be
bullshit, and I'm reminding you of that in the most unfriendly way. Why?
Because when you're being a whiny little shit, I don't have a lot of
fucking motivation to be nice to you. There are people in this world
with problems bigger than your own. Grow up, learn to take some flak for
the shit you post and stop being a fucking sissy about things.
______________________________
From: Brian C. Baird Baird Baird (noyo...@noway.com)
Subject: Re: Painful, grating, frustrating.
jbsNO_SP...@magma.ca says...
> > What am I going to do? I'm going to do what I always do: call bullshit
> > when I see it. Want to whine about your boss and make it into a
> > constitutional rant? BULLSHIT! I call it, you can't run away from it.
> Constitutional rant? No, you're confusing it with an issue someone else
> brought up that I answered.
No, I think you brought the issue of what is appropriate to print. That
sounds awful close to censorship. Censorship (whilst welcome in Canaduh)
is a constitutional issue.
> > Don't like it? Don't read it. Now do you see how ridiculous your
> > circular logic can be?
> I don't give a damn about it, I answered it, deal with it.
My point exactly, sissy-boy.
> > You're confusing the issue, Jesse. You think I have some sort of super-
> > secret vendetta against you. Paranoid freak. I think you're being a
> > whiny little idiot with your tired rant against your boss. Nothing else,
> > nothing more.
> Rant against my boss? I like the guy. He raised some issues I thought worth
> discussing. I had my own pov about them, and I liked the fact that it got
> people arguing. Especially since, at least until you got involved, it was
> getting opinions out of some of the smartest people who hang around here.
> Myself excluded, as I'm sure you'd be quick to remind me.
Opinions? I think you had Ultrabean, Larry Livermore and Lali calling
you an idiot for having such a naive, petty view of things.
As to my involvement, I was involved from the start. Sure, I may not
have written a 500 line reply to your post. I could sum it up in one
word: bullshit.
> > Get real, this isn't about my vindictive personality and awful demeanor.
> > This is about you appalled that ANYONE would disagree with your stupid
> > posts.
>
> Why in the hell would that appall me? And since when did I say you were
> vindictive? I said this was, like most of your posts, about your own drive
> to prop yourself up on others. You've essentially agreed, so what's it to
> you?
You insinuate that I have some sort of "master plan" behind my posts on
this subject. That's implying I have something against you. I've
admitted to being an asshole, but that has nothing to do with me trying
to 'prop myself up on others'.
Really, do you think I'm so stupid I can't see right through your self-
esteem smoke screen?
> > Nice of you to ignore the real meat I've put out for you. With all your
> > bitching and moaning, when someone offers you a REAL solution to your
> > problem, you'd rather ignore it because they are a big mean internet
> > badguy. Way to go, Stanifart. You fail.
> >
> > I've posted three separate things about on-demand printing. I've offered
> > to help you - to get you to shut up. I've given you a perfect solution
> > to your situation. Boss won't print your book? Do it yourself,
> > fuckhead!
>
> This never had anything to do with the book i wanted to do (which is again
> in discussion at work). This was about choices in printing, which I had my
> opinions about and which it was interesting to get people talking about as
> well. I don't fault you for not having bothered to read the whole damned
> thing, but you'd do well to figure out just what it is you're all hot under
> the collar about.
Hmm... discussion on the subject would be titled: "Thoughts on publishing
choices at a small book house" NOT "Painful, grating, frustrating."
"Painful, grating, frustrating" sounds like a big old whine to me. Must
I quote it? Indeed, I must:
"At the same time as my MS word decided to lose its fucking mind as I was
trying to print mailing labels, my boss came into the main office and
started the argument with all of us that's been boiling up for two weeks
since he suggested that we publish some creepy rightist's misleadingly
worded, spuriously backed up tract about how gay rights have apparently
contributed to a vast rise in paedophilia."
"All the while I was trying to get that fucking Word file to do columns
for me, and all the while it just continued to fuck right off."
"Christ, I'm frustrated now."
> > But I see that's not really the issue here. The issue is Stanifart's
> > bruised ego. How dare someone attack the mighty Stanifart personally?!
> > How dare Baird call Stanifart a whiny tit!?
> Again, Baird, you're guaging yourself to be a little deeper than you
> actually are. I've been called way worse by people I respected much more
> than you. You don't like me, I don't like you. I don't read your shit unless
> it's in response to something I've written, and if you find my drivel as
> drivellous as you seem to, you'd be advised to avoid my shit likewise.
Oh, so now Staniforth the mighty has always disliked Baird! Oh, my
bruised ego.
I've stated before I have nothing personal against you. I've never
stated I don't like you. I've called you names, but you deserve them.
I call Marco a big sissy boy a lot. I mean it, too. However, Marco
actually has enough SPINE to fucking not take it to heart.
> > If you think I'm offended by your silly posts, or I am somehow disturbed
> > by them, you don't know me very well. I find your latest posts to be
> > bullshit, and I'm reminding you of that in the most unfriendly way. Why?
> > Because when you're being a whiny little shit, I don't have a lot of
> > fucking motivation to be nice to you. There are people in this world
> > with problems bigger than your own. Grow up, learn to take some flak for
> > the shit you post and stop being a fucking sissy about things.
>
> Seriously, Baird, I think you missed the point of what I was posting. I
> don't *have* problems worth actually complaining about. I like my life, and
> I have two jobs that I like working for two people I respect. If I post
> mindless shit here related to them, it's not because I hate them, it's
> because I think it might amuse someone. I talked about the issue of
> censorship in the office because it was the subject of a 40-minute debate
> (and the subject line of the message was meant to be a nod to the fact that
> it went on while i was trying to get MsWord to format columns for me, not
> that it was painful and frustrating to debate the issue at hand) and I
> thought people might have opinions on it here. And people did, and they were
> intelligent opinions.
Intelligent opinions being the ones telling you that you were full of
shit? I think that was the majority opinion here. Ultrabean, Lali,
Larry Livermore, etc. I don't think many people were buying your naive
tirade on the subject as "intelligent discussion." I think it was, by
and large, interpreted as a whiny rant.
Furthermore, when people did call your bullshit, you responded with the
same DOSE of bullshit. Betrays a bad mind, Stanifart. Shows a lot of
arrogance on your part.
As far as "intelligent" discussion goes, what makes my points and
insights unintelligent? Is it because I use bad words and make fun of
you? For shame. Welcome to alt.punk, there's content between the
drivel, if you're willing to look.
> Do you think I should only post shit if I expect
> people to agree with me on it?
Man, you are a snobby hypocrite. So, I'm "furthering my own means", and
you're merely posting a dissenting opinion. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
I'M DOING SMARTASS?!
God, if you keep making lame observations like that, I'm nominating you
for political office!
> As I said, I've never liked you and you've never liked me. Fine. You're
> welcome to grouse at me all you want, and I'll take the liberty of
> responding if I'm in the mood. It's an amusing little game. But let's not
> make a stupid soap opera out of it. If you're going to talk about "taking me
> on," then I'll respond in kind. This is stupid.
Who said I never liked you?! You paranoid shit!
"Oh, big mean Brian Baird doesn't like me! Well, I don't like him! Take
that you big brute!"
You're so laughable Jesse!
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Corey Barr (c.ba...@alumni.nyu.edu)
Subject: What I did and did not invent
I did not invent the OpIvy = nazis idea. That was Simon.
I did invent the Staniforth jokes idea, and Carrie Miaway credited me with
said idea in an e-mail.
Not my proudest moment, but it'll do for now. Underwriting checks for further
research into this area can be sent to my Paypal account. Thank you in
advance for your support.
--
Corey Barr's product placement:
Canada Dry Diet Cranberry Ginger Ale
It's one fine carbonated beverage!
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
From: Mad Brother Ward (madbr...@msn.com)
Subject: Re: John Walker
toph...@aol.com (Tophet70) wrote ...
> OK
> I havent heard any debate on this here yet
> Voice your opinion on what we should do to him..
Well, frankly when I heard there was an anti-american westerner
fighting for the Taliban, I thought it was -yep, you guessed it -
Jesse Staniforth.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Intro to alt.bobgoblin-extraordinaire
Alt.bobgoblin-extraordinaire is a newsgroup
dedicated to trading pictures of nubile young
women by encoding the actual pixel information
in superficially meaningful words. For example,
this post represents the upper left corner of
Ultrabean's right nipple.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
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:) :) :)
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b. The Keywords line shall contain a summary of the hazard levels
present in the post, ranked on a scale of 0-4 in the following
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1 -- Slight hazard
2 -- Moderate hazard
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4 -- Critical hazard
c. The Summary line shall contain any specific notices of hazard as
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2. All humorous, sarcastic, parodical, or satirical remarks within the
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a. Preceded by a clearly-worded warning ten (10) lines in advance.
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commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4,
subparagraph b.
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subparagraph b.
3. Hazards shall be defined as follows:
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contamination levels in no less than two (2) independent tests.
b. Slight hazard: Contamination exists in amounts greater than 1.5
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:) :) :)
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Before Leaving...
please return your stewardess
to her original upright position.
carrie_miaway
Subject: Where is Ultrabean
From: gd44g...@yahoo.com (super cool Gene)
I got the Birthday presant I sent her in the mail (smashed).
Have not heard from her since.
Is she still alive?
Graves
_______________________________
<<<I got the Birthday presant I sent her in the mail (smashed).
Have not heard from her since. Is she still alive? Graves>>>
ultrabean.. haven't thought about ultrabean in quite a while.
it was a clear black night when we were strolling along the main drag,
a cone of pink spun sugar in her astoundingly large right hand. she'd
been born that way; her right hand larger than a man's, her left hand
dainty & "normal sized" for her tit-a-licious frame.
bean had been sweatin' my greasy sack for quite some time, & i figured
tonight would be the night she finally got a taste of my crinkly black
forest pressed up against her fragrant tunafish pudding.
she'd earned it; all of those tight outfits that showed her melons to
the best of their sagging ability had managed to rouse my steely dan
to full-size. her ass looked fatter than i liked in that short, mint
green shift she was wearin', but i suppose i didn't mind too much;
after all, the chunks of fat might feel good pressed up against the
fronts of my hairy thighs while i drilled her temple of love with my
jerking iron.
i grabbed her tiny left hand with my own, and sneered a little as i
felt her palm caress the many gold rings it found there. i never held
bean's right hand, its size made me feel like i was some sort of
faggot.
i tossed the wrapper of the chocolate bar i'd been eatin' & wiped
my gooey fingers on the strap of that fucking ugly green dress so she
wouldn't notice.
i snarled audibly, & bean looked at me with her trademark bovine
curiosity. "aw, baby, calm down. let's sit on this here park bench,
i've got somethin' to make it all better."
i let the bitch pull me down to sit. she parks her fat ass directly
over the bluevein meatroll & giggles a little.
twat.
she acts like she's 15 & about to give head for the first time, rather
than a washed up old biddy not even bob barker would bore into.
bean scootches off of my lap next to me, nearly crushing my cubes with
that fat fucking rump of hers. god-damned bitch! i slap her across
the face & tell her to watch the fucking jewels, they're worth more
than that goddamn wig on her head.
she starts whimpering as sluts are wont to do, & i tell her she can
make it up to me by slobbering on my turgid cudgel of manslab(tm).
like any used-up wretch with a deep neeeeed for l0v3, she obliges my
manly command & begins to unzip my slick polyester fly.
she tries to be ceremonious about the ordeal, but i forcefully
demonstrate my need for her sucker on my spermspigot with a hard
shove.
...ah, ultrabean. yes, it's been a long time.
darrin-"back in the new york groove"
_______________________________
Hmmmm.
Graves
_______________________________
>ultrabean.. haven't thought about ultrabean in quite a while.
>
>it was a clear black night when we were strolling along the main
>drag, a cone of pink spun sugar in her astoundingly large right hand.
>she'd been born that way; her right hand larger than a man's, her
>left hand dainty & "normal sized" for her tit-a-licious frame.
><snip>
But did you get to touch her penis?
-DeanDTSM
"I wish life could be
Swedish magazines" -Iggy Pop
_______________________________
>
>But did you get to touch her penis?
>
> -DeanDTSM
this ain't no friggin' crying game, you jealous bitch.
anyway, i pull her up by her cheaply-dyed hair before i bust
my load down her throat, and tell bean to bend the FUCK over that
bench & pull up that ugly green dress before i rip it off of you
& leave you here, amongst a carnival-full of drunken men over yonder,
to walk home alone.
i'm a fan of foreplay.
darrin-"back in the new york groove"
_______________________________
Subject: Re: Where is Ultrabean
From: gd44g...@yahoo.com (super cool Gene)
Believe Me-I am sorry I asked.
Graves
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Image On Mars
Twenty five years ago something funny happened around Mars.
NASA's Viking 1 spacecraft was circling the planet, snapping photos of
possible landing sites for its sister ship Viking 2, when it spotted
the shadowy likeness of a human butt. An enormous butt nearly two
miles from end to end seemed to be staring back at the cameras from a
region of the Red Planet called Cydonia.
A few days later NASA unveiled the image for all to see. The caption
noted a "huge rock formation ... which resembles a human ass ...
images taken of the Martian surface showed a clear butt crease which
suggest quite prominent cheeks.." The authors reasoned it would be a
good way to engage the public and attract attention to Mars.
Although few scientists believed the Butt was an alien artifact,
photographing Cydonia became a priority for NASA when Mars Global
Surveyor (MGS) arrived at the Red Planet in Sept. 1997, eighteen long
years after the Viking missions ended. "We felt this was important to
taxpayers," explained Jim Gavin, chief scientist for NASA's Mars
Exploration Program. "We photographed the Butt as soon as we could get
a good shot at it."
"Mars is a pretty amazing place, but we never expected to find such an
amazing thing. We can only deduce from this that some ancient
civilisation visited our solar system, and left signs on Mars. Yes, we
do assume that they are 'mooning' us."
Skeptic James Tandi disagreed.
"We are skeptic, not about the fact that the picture clearly shows an
ass. It does. Clearly. But to interpret it as a sign that an ancient
civilisation is 'mooning' us, is ridiculous."
"We prefer to believe that it's a sign from God that interpreting
freak rock formations on foreign planets is a lesson in futility."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
People mentioned in these flames
Ultrabean -A guy named Clay, rumored to be a tranvestite/transsexual
named Heidi. Often referred to as "she" and "her".
BFG - also known as Bobgoblin, Goblin, Bob Fucking Goblin,
Bobby Gobb, Bobby G, and Bob.
Frank Discussion- lead singer of the Feederz, who have an infamous
song about Jesus.
Mike H - high school cheech & chong deadhead type Phish Phan or
Phish head or phish phreak or whatever they call them.
RedBluPillPeddle -deliberately annoying net pest.
Marco- posted his picture, got kidded about his hair.
The Gamp- real name: Robert Gamp.
From Webster's Dictionary:
Main Entry: gamp
Pronunciation: 'gamp
Function: noun
Etymology: Sarah Gamp, nurse with a large umbrella in Martin
Chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens
Date: 1864
British : a large umbrella
The Naked Hippies- Jon K and Bryan, get kidded for hitting on girls
much younger then themselves.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
.
Subject: Re: excerpt from "howl"
From: rcb...@gte.net (Brian Baird)
hip...@mail.utexas.edu (john lowe) wrote:
> baird, you don't have to read this.
Well then fine, I won't!
> i'm copying this from my newspaper, as i remember giving away my copy of
> "howl" several years ago. i tend to do this with my favorite books, which
> is why i currently do not own a copy of that, "on the road", "notes from
> the underground" or "hamlet".
>
> "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving
> hysterical naked
> dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry
> fix,
> angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the
> starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
> who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the
> supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of
> cities contemplating jazz
> who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels
> staffering on tenement roofs illuminated,
> who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating
> Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war..."
Hey, I think I can do this too!
Sun shines in my eyes an exploding flower of injustice eating clam chowder
in a diner sitting there in a gray world crushing brylcreme drowns my
black hair in a vat of shaving foam that lights up the sky like an acid
trip... ...but this is the 50's and we don't HAVE acid and all we can do
is drink cappuchino, smoke and write these stupid poems and...
flashdance my shoelances and look out because the french LIKE my shoelaces
because who can see this mad hipocracy of tortured rats and bubble gum
damn the institution!
damn the institution and its canadian bacon!
I want to look the tooth fairy in the eye and say "hey you, get your
fucking teeth out of my coffee" because I'm trapped in a merry-go-round
holocaust with magazine and only PHONEBOOKS are red
Torture me like a turquoise flower sticking out from all the rest in a
crazy array of meloncholy desserts and saltwater taffee.
So THERE!
Its not hard.
BEATS MUST DIE.
carrie_miaway
Uncircumsised Goys: Increase Your Penis Size!!! eheheheehe
Now you men out there are dying to haver bigger penises.ehehe Well, now you
can with this foolproof method!By the modern miracle of digital
communication, by giving a little, you receive a lot.eh The theory is
simple!Quickly cut off your foreskin and send it to the name at the top
of the list.Delete the top name and add your own to the bottom.Send the
letter to as many guys as you can.By the miracle of geometric
progression, in no time at all THOUSANDS of foreskins will come your way!
Simply take these to your friendly urologist and have them sewn on.The
results are simply amazing! Penis lengths of over 6 FEET are not unheard
of!!!heheeeee!!But, don't break the chain! ehe My fellow Brooklynite Ultrabean
did and now he's a trannie!!LOL!Here is the list, make sure you add names.-D,
NYC "In a New York minute, everything can change." -Don Henley
#1) Vincent DelPrior
8740 26 ave
Bklyn, NY 11214
#2) ) Angela Dawn
13326 Reads Ct.
Houston, TX 77015-1345
#3) David Amberwood
PO Box 36599
Stoney Creek, ON L8E 5B2
CANADA
#4) J. Thomas
36 Easterly Drive
East Sandwich, MA 02537
#5) Roger Tung
1009 Larch Avenue
Moraga, CA 94556
#6) Kevin L. Rupert
3750 SR103N
Lewistown, Pa. 17044
_______________________________
Subject: Re: Uncircumsised Goys: Increase Your Penis Size!!! eheheheehe
From: "gorax" y...@y.com
damn, that makes me regret having my foreskin chopped
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: As much as I'd like to jump on the 'kill all jocks' bandwagon..
The Gamp <the...@erols.com> wrote...
> Fascinet wrote:
>
> > The Gamp <the...@erols.com> wrote ...
> > > Jack Tripper wrote:
> > >
> > > > I come from a long line of jocks. My father was very sad when me and my
> > > > brother preferred music over hockey.
> > > > I mean, I hated most of 'em in high school too, but who DID you like in
> > > > high school? Yeah, that's what I thought.
> > >
> > > I liked a bunch of other non-jocks. Many I'm still friends with, two of
> > > which I was still playing music with fourteen years after high school. And
> > > none of them went to school with a gun ready to waste people, either.
> > >
> >
> > This story made me cry.
> >
> > Fascinet
> > Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>
>
> Dood, anybody can do sarcastic.
> I liked you better when you were an egomaniacal sociopath.
> G
Egomaniacal?
Sociopath?
Nonsense.
Though it is not rare to find me at the window in my giant office,
musing silently as I survey my domain. If you enter my office at these
times, you will be awed into silence by my figure, silhouetted by the
fading sunlight.
I will ask you to speak, and you will have forgotten why you came in
to my office in the first place.
You will become flustered and not know what to say, but I will be
forgiving and you will feel grateful.
I wield my Zen calmness like a weapon of mass destruction. My
mandate is absolute, my justice harsh, but my rewards for loyalty are
bountiful. I divulge. I lobby. I intervene. I direct efforts. I
allow, I deny, I admonish.
I schedule recurring solipsistic brainstorming sessions with myself. I
snap pencils between my fingers and intimidate my adversaries to the
point of weeping. I make sweeping gestures and gesticulate wildly.
I demand fruit and fish out of season, and have been known to raise my
voice.
I define the Next Big Thing, and decide which will be the must-have
toy this Christmas. I draw comparisons. I simplify broad conclusions
and distill widely-held opinions into concise summaries for People
With Influence. I hold no truck with the views expressed by popular
self-help gurus. I deign. I walk among mortals. I inspire further
usage of the word "panache". I sway think tanks.
For all this, I am rewarded handsomely and yet I remain remarkably
down-to-earth. There is nothing you could offer me that would tempt
me in any way, for I want nothing and I am perfectly content.
And yet every so often I am offered more money, more benefits, out of
fear that I may leave. I accept these offers graciously, since I know
that my services can never be adequately recompensed.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
_______________________________
Subject: Re: As much as I'd like to jump on the 'kill all jocks' bandwagon...
From: skaf...@aol.com (SkaFan101)
dood, this is EXACTLY what happened when he visited me at work. really.
becca
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Am I self-centered...
or is it just me?
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Am I self-centered...
From: park...@aol.com (Park Luck)
no gobby,its all about you
evan
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
I've been asked to pass this along - Heidi Bean.jpg [0/1]
and I got two independent
confirmations before doing so.
Hey Goblin, can you post pictures onto
alt.punk from your newsreader?
Recently, I came across a personal ad
by Ultrabean that included her picture:
"I've not washed my hair in three weeks.
I'm not particularily (sic) worried about personal
hygene (sic), I'm self obsessed and I'd be an
emotional and financial drain on anyone
who got involved with me. But I do swallow."
(see attached)
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Hollywood Squares
Here are some of the actual questions and
answers given on the old Hollywood Squares
television game show. This was back when the
show was not scripted.
Q: "If you're going to make a parachute jump,
you should be at least how high?"
Charley Weaver: "Three days of steady drinking should
about do it."
Q: "True or false, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?"
George Gobel: "Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes..."
Q: "You've been having trouble going to sleep, are you
probably a man or a woman?"
Don Knotts: "That's what's been keeping me up."
Q: "Which of the five senses tend to diminish as
you get older?"
Charley Weaver: "My sense of decency."
Q: "You've just decided to grow strawberries
for the first time, are you going to get any?"
Charley Weaver: "Of course not. I'm too busy
growing strawberries.
Q: "It is the most abused and neglected part
of your body, what is it?"
Paul Lynde: "Mine may be abused, but is certainly
isn't neglected."
Q: "What do you call a pig that weighs more than
150 pounds?"
Charley Weaver: "A divorcee."
Q: "Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or an elephant?"
Paul Lynde: "Who told you about the elephant."
Q: "When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
for its sex?"
Charley Weaver: "I'll loan him the car, the rest
is up to him."
Q: "Do female frogs croak?"
Paul Lynde: "Only if you hold their little heads
under water long enough."
Q: "Imagine that you are a child in your mother's
womb, can you detect light?"
Paul Lynde: "Only during ballet practice."
--
BFG
_______________________________
Subject: Re: Hollywood Squares
From: "The Gamp" the(nospam)ga...@erols.com
Still my favorite is:
Tom Bergeron: Gilbert, the French do this for only 35 hours a week. What is
it?
Gilbert Gottfried: Surrender to the Germans.
G
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
New Slang from England...
Makes ya kinda appreciate our toothless transvestite pals overseas:
NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
Aussie Kiss
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
Beaver Leaver
A homosexual.
Beer Coat
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3
in the morning.
Beer Compass
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you
get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it
i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the
beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Boiler Suit
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought,
score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a
kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
Bone of Contention
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Breaking the Seal
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
Budgie's Tongue or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in
the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane
blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
Double Bass
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then
fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with
the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass
instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common
to visit one before going out on the booze.
Etch-A-Sketch
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples
simultaneously.
Flogging On
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
Free the Tadpoles
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
Frigmarole
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Going For a McShit
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With
Lies.
Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hand-to-Gland Combat
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.
Millennium Domes
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
Monkey Bath
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!
Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the
'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Mystery Taxi
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.
NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a
10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out
there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
Picasso Arse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4
buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet
she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping
out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
Sperm Wail or Spuphemism
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.
Todger Dodger
A lesbian.
TWO-Bagger or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their
head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't
think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
Vagina Decliner
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
Wank Séance
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched
with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle
of tart fuel please Doreen".
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
"Noelle" <gno...@centurytel.net> wrote ...
> "Monica" <steel...@mailcity.com> wrote...
> > Jason G wrote...
> > > je...@simegen.com says...
> > > >
> > > >mrfea...@aol.ccom wrote...
> > > >> Jadite says...
> > > >> >
> > > >> >Grim wrote ...
> > > >> >>Jason G wrote ...
> > > >> >>>Sol Taibi wrote ...
> > > >> >>>>
> > > >> >>>>Feed a troll and starve a fever.
> > > >> >>>
> > > >> >>>Bleed a troll and carve a beaver.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >>Rigmarole and cantilever.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >Chewing gum for Wally Cleaver.
> > > >>
> > > >> Promise that you'll never leave her?
> > > >
> > > >Adopt a labrador retriever.
> > >
> > > Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
> >
> > Do not be a preconceiver.
>
> Support your local basketweaver.
Ravished by Ann and Eva.
Warren, you were too hard on the Beaver.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: why did the chicken cross the road?
"Christopher Cantor" <can...@atlasNOSPAM.cz> wrote
>
> dumbass.
>
Chris watches "Beavis and Butthead" in
order to learn vocabulary.
Now go back to your mother's basement
and read a dictionary during the commercials.
--
BFG
_______________________________
Re: A Plane went down in Rockaway Beach
> >>>
> >>Good. You are still a stupid piece of shit.
> >>
> >>-aboy
> >
> > LOL !! A small man and a small mind behind a BIG computer. Your name calling
> >shows your true intellegence. Keep it up it makes us all look better.
> >
> > Hahha hoo hehe
> >
> > Tim
>
> You've obviously never met Chris or you wouldn't call him small. ;)
>
> -Sonja
He has the body of a God.
Buddha.
--
BFG
_______________________________
Re: I should be doing my homework
"Christopher Cantor" <can...@atlasNOSPAM.cz> wrote
> >
> > then why do you love tetris?
>
> truly, a question from an inferior intellect to a superior one.
>
> -aboy
>
to a titanic intellect...
in an ocean full of icebergs.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: One Who Fascinets (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: [a.p.s.f.] alt.gothic
Newsgroups: alt.gothic, alt.music.hardcore, alt.punk
octob...@sandmusic.com (Eddie Colton) wrote:
> but who added alt.punk to the list, hmm?
> twasn't me.
alt.punk is the perfect arbitrator of the many
petty disputes between alt.gothic and amh,
don't you think.
Impartial.
Intellectual.
Damned fine looking.
Fascinet
The Only Clothier for the Discriminating Fascist
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: One Who Fascinets (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: [a.p.s.f.] What is "goth", exactly? who's older here?
Newsgroups: alt.gothic, alt.punk
[In alt.gothic and alt.punk a young lady pretending to be old,
Melanie, it seems, told us on the tenth of November:]
> you'd think a youth such as yourself would be a little more
> respectful to someone not only born before your father made
> the blind mistake of jacking off in front of your mother..
> and her allowing to impregante her,
Someone needs to retake Flaming 101. This prose cripples
whatever value the image of ballistic sex might have had.
"Son, your mother only got pregnant because she didn't think
anyone as drunk as your father could get it up, let alone hit
the 100-point hole in skee-sex," or something similar would
have been barely adequate were you trying for a creative insult,
but alas, you went with a very stiff - and frankly, boring -
put-down with too many adjectives and not enough description.
Please, please, either stick with the standards ("FAG,"
"ASSHOLE," etc.) or learn to express yourself with the
written word.
> ... but also a former member of lame little a.p. at one time,
> we had a FAQ against imbeciles, you know.
Back in the day when real punks ruled the internet.
> ... course, you wouldn't remember, you were still sucking
> mum's tits before you had access to your first ps/2 ...
Ma'am, it would also behoove you to use insults that weren't
universal truths.
Would you prefer Karl be weaned after graduating from high
school, or before?
> That wasn't a "gothic claim to feigning an insult" it was a
> downright removal of your pathetic breath of life off this
> internet.
Yeah, sure.
[But on the eleventh of November, ignoring her newly made friends
in alt.punk, she claimed:]
> Note to karl: notice I don't crosspost.
I'm sorry, ma'am, you crossposted the first one.
So, I've noticed just the opposite.
And, of course, why would you leave Karl a note if you'd commenced,
"a downright removal of your pathetic breath of life off this
internet?"
Oops.
Melanie has a love interest that's too old for her.
Headmaster Fascinet
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Re: Wendy's poor service
ic...@idont.com (Teedy Ruxpin) wrote:
> If you wish to seem intelligent, I suggest not using "ur" instead of
> "your" and "u" instead of "you." It indicates "laziness" on the part
> of the person writing.
*bzzt*
I'm so sorry, but the proper troll for this thread is:
"Wendy's great. There's no better blow in the business."
Fascinet
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: fasc...@my-deja.com (Fascinet)
Newsgroups: alt.punk
The Gamp <the...@erols.com> ...
> I'm so broken up that you don't like my taste in music. And it really
> really hurts that you insulted my punk-ness. You're almost as mean
> as Fascinet.
That doesn't say much.
I have it on good authority that the Fascinet is a sweetheart who
would never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings or send him into a
paranoid rage.
Well, unless he was having fun or he could make a profit.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Brian Baird (rcb...@gte.net)
Subject: Re: RIOT76 VS. ALT.PUNK MORONS- ALL HAIL...
reco...@aol.com says...
> >It was still cute!
> >-b
>
> you can still go fuck yourself
>
> -Karl-
Why when your mom is SOOO convienent!
-b
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Goblin Posting Handles
Here are some Goblin posting
handles you should know about:
My Fair Goblin
The Goblin of Oz
Goblin of the Baskervilles
The Good, the Bad, and the Goblin
Goblin
The Goblin
Oh Goblin
The Taming of the Goblin
A Midsummer Night's Goblin
A Tale of Two Goblins
My Favorite Goblin
Stop, or My Goblin Will Shoot
They Call me Goblin
Who Has SeenThe Goblin?
The Damnation of Theron Goblin
Goblin in the Rye
More Goblins in Heaven
Wuthering Goblins
Three Goblins in a Fountain
It's a Wonderful Goblin
A Goblin for Sister Jane
Goblin's Best Friend
Immortal Goblin
Demon Goblin
All Good Goblins Go to Heaven
The Great Goblin Detective
Beauty and the Goblin
Arms and the Goblin
Waiting for the Goblin
Goblin on the Roof
Funny Goblin
An American Goblin in London
In the Company of Goblins
Goblin on Elm Street
Night of the Living Goblins
Dawn/Day of the Goblins
Goblin People
Appocalypse Goblin
In the Mouth of a Goblin
The Amityville Goblin
Steel Goblin
Goblin the Barbarian
Goblin the Destroyer
The Cool Goblin
All Goblin'd Up
The Color of Goblins
So I Married a Goblin
My Father, The Goblin
Life With Goblins
My So Called Goblin
Growing Goblins
Family Goblins
Goblin Improvement
D2 - Judgement Goblin
Raw Goblin
Death Goblin
The Warrior and the Goblin
Hearts and Goblins
The Goblin Master
Captain Goblin
Super Goblin
Bat Goblin
Don't Hurt My Goblin
The Breakfast Goblin
Sixteen Goblins
Grumpy Old Goblins
Beverly Hills Goblin
The Golden Goblin
Old Goblin
The Three Goblins
Goblin Day
When Harry Met a Goblin
Goblin Earp
Dances with Goblins
A Few Good Goblins
Goblins in Seattle
Top Goblin
AmaGoblin
Wayne's Goblin
Charlotte's Goblin
Snow White and the Seven Goblins
Sleeping Goblin
Blue Goblin
I Dream of Goblins
Field of Goblins
She's Having a Goblin
Father of the Goblin
FrankenGoblin
Ren and Goblin
True Goblins
Goblin of the Year
Ruthless Goblins
For the Goblins
Above the Goblins
BloodGoblin
Fire, Ice, and Goblins
Iron Goblin
The Last Goblin on the Left
Goblin Bait
Goblinmania
Basic Goblin
A Goblin For All Seasons
Goblin Dancing
FlashGoblin
Strictly Goblins
Goblin the Menace
Gone With the Goblin
The Goblin and the Sorceror
Raising Goblin
Saturday Night Goblin
Goblin Impact
The Quick and the Goblin
Billy Goblin
Young Goblins
Sudden Goblin
Terminal Goblin
Goblin Vacation
Dirty Rotten Goblins
Splitting Goblins
Erik the Goblin
Goblin's Eleven
The Goblin of Monte Cristo
The Goblins of Navarone
Good Goblin, Bad Goblin
Fine Young Goblins
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
And Speaking of Porno...
I'd like to bring something to your
attention, alt.punk. There is a
problem in the United States, a
problem to which many of you
have not given enough thought.
Let us suppose that you unexpectedly
die or have to be hospitalized for
an extended period.
Then, relatives going through your
house or apartment would find your
humongus stash of porno:
"Look, honey, here's Darrin when
he was a cub scout. Look how cute
my baby (sob) is. His little short pants
and his little hat.... Look how cute my
baby was (sob, sob)....."
"I wonder what's in this box over
here? Rear Entry volume one
through forty? (THUD)"
I run a service where, in case of
an emergency, I come in and remove
all the porn from your home in
order to preserve your image.
I call it reputation insurance.
Here's how it works:
1) You send me your home address
plus all relevant keys and access codes.
2) You then send me a $5 premium
payment each Monday.
3) If your check fails to arrive by Friday,
I'll assume you've died, come to your
house and collect all your porn.
BTW, I also have a pretty big
collection of used porn for sale ...
--
BFG
_______________________________
Subject: Re: And Speaking of Porno...
From: loma...@aol.com (Lomag
Now is this ALL styles of Porn? Including but not limited to...Kiddie
Porn, Snuff Flicks, "Down on the Farm" style Animal Porn, Gay Porn and
whatnot???
Tim
_______________________________
loma...@aol.com (Lomag000) wrote
>
>
> Now is this ALL styles of Porn? Including but not limited to...
While paging through various types of guitar literature and
advertisements in a music store recently, I was truly shocked by
what I saw.
Graphic depictions of guitars luridly strewn in unlikely poses,
closeups of naked necks, backs, sides, bridges...
Vivid color closeups of fine grained sitka spruce, rosewood, and
mahogany, and detailed inlay work, often times reducing the
guitar to its constituent parts - total objectification... how totally
degrading.
And of course, ads which not only show us the outside of a guitar, but
also allowing us to gape at the inside of the guitar as well - with
their detailed pictures of the guitar's bracing system.
Pure smut...
I felt outraged.
Maybe I'm just being a prude, but I feel that these so called
"acoustic guitar advertisements" are blatantly expoitive and demeaning
to fretted instruments - just another excuse to show us some naked
"wood".
It's time we expose this literature for what it truly is: Guitar Porn.
Nothing less.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Mike Martz - O'Reilly's "The Most Ridiculous Item"
Newsgroups: alt.punk, alt.sports.football.pro.stl-rams,
alt.sports.football.pro.ne-patriots, alt.bobgoblin-extraordinaire,
alt.fan.the-bob.goblin
>Even Warner has
>publicly blamed himself for the ineffectiveness of the Rams' O
>>That's the point. Instead of giving the Patriots credit, the Rams
>>said "We can only beat ourselves".
They stole that line from
Pee Wee Herman!
carrie_miaway
Politically Correct Fairy Tales
=====
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house
made of candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured
both of them, intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance to save them
both by pushing the old woman in an oven, but she decided that it
would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So
Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The
witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited all of
her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child
in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing
but child eating witches and all the witches were very happy.
The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even
at your own expense.
=====
The Three Billy-Goats Gruff
The first and second billy goat gruffs were stopped by a troll from
going across a bridge to get food. Then, the biggest and baddest
billy goat gruff showed up. He told the troll he was going to kick his
butt. That greatly upset the first and second of the billy goats gruff
who accused the third billy goat gruff of "hegemony" and "imperialism"
and said that negotiation was the way to go. So, the third billy goat
gruff went away. Unfortunately, the troll refused to negotiate and
first two billy goats gruff starved to death.
The Moral of the Story: It's better to starve to death than to fight.
=====
The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. The first little pig
built his house out of straw. But the big bad wolf easily knocked it
down. Then he ran to the second pig's house which was made out of
sticks. But the wolf went there and knocked it down, too. Then, both
pigs ran to the American pig's house which was made out of brick. When
the wolf came there, the American pig pulled out a gun and blew his
stinking head off. Afterwards, both little pigs who lost their houses
started building their houses out of straw again. When the American
pig asked them why, they accused the American of being an "arrogant
jerk" and of "acting unilaterally". But, they secretly knew the
American would always save them, just like he did in WW1 and WW2, so
they could afford not to be prepared.
The Moral of the Story: Even though Americans are helpful, they're
real creeps.
=====
The Ants and the Grasshopper
All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter, while the
grasshopper went to Rage Against the Machine concerts and played
Everquest. The grasshopper laughed and laughed at the ants for working
so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and shelter
while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants' tax
money and built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to
eat, and paid for courses at the local university that the grasshopper
didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained, everyone agreed that
they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.
The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and
giving it to the lazy is compassionate.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Hey Clare
Hey Clare, here's the Mariah Carey
interview you got your sig file quote
from.
Clare C
"When I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those
flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey
Okay, so I've got an exclusive interview with one of Warner's biggest singing
sensations and I'm half-an-hour late. Arghh!
The taxi pulls up to the curb and I see Mariah heading for her stretch limo
(painted white and matching her outfit and kitty). I scream out her name and
two of the biggest goons I've ever seen reached into their coats like Elliot
Ness on a bad day.
"Mariah, it's me. Cristy from Cupcake. Sorry I'm so late but I just got my
period and had to take care of business."
With that statement the goons dropped the attitude (boys always do when you
mention the "P" word). Before I could say "motrin" we were sitting in a
seriously fresh ride sipping lemonade and bumpin' some tunes. It was all good
'cause the goons sat in front and drove while me and Mariah chilled in the
back. It was pretty hot but Mariah said she couldn't open the windows 'cause
people start trippin' on her, so we popped the sunroof and started the
interview.
Cindy: What's really goin' on with Mariah Carey? You've got it all, girl.
Money, cars, a good man, and an incredible career. Is there anything you
haven't achieved?
Mariah: God, there so much I still want to do. Sometimes I feel like all this
money is just holding me back from what's really important, the children.
When I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't
help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those
flies and death and stuff.
Cindy: So is Mariah saying that having children is definitely in her future?
Mariah: NO! I just wish that kids all over could have a better life. You know?
Cindy: What's goin' on at home, Mariah? What's it like living in a castle of a
house in Bedford, NY?
Mariah: Sometimes I feel like it's a prison.
Cindy: What do you mean?
Mariah: I don't know (Mariah pauses and begins looking out of her limo
window.). I don't want to talk about it. Let's talk about my new single.
Cindy: The one with Boys to Men or the one with ODB?
Mariah: Let me tell you something, girl. Recording that song with ODB was
painful. I swear, when he grabbed the mic and started rhymin' and
spittin'........... ooooooooooohhhhh, girl! I wanted to talk to him so bad,
but I'm a married woman, you know?
Cindy: Girl, you scandalous. You can't be lustin' after ODB when you're
married to the president of both your record labels.
Mariah: I'm not even trippin' like that, though. I love my husband. He's too
good to me.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Kentucky Town Names
Kentucky has the best
town names:
Asphalt, KY
Beauty, KY
Beaver Lick, KY
Beefhide, KY
Belfry, KY
Black Gnat, KY
Bugtussle, KY
Burning Springs, KY
Bush, KY
Cadillac, KY
Chevrolet, KY
Combs, KY
Co Operative, KY
Cranks, KY
Crummies, KY
Cutshin, KY
Decoy, KY
Dwarf, KY
Duckers, KY
Dukedom, KY
Dwarf, KY
Fancy Farm, KY
Gravel Switch, KY
Hazard, KY
Hills and Dales, KY
Hippo, KY
Jetson, KY
Krypton, KY
Lamb, KY
Lovely, KY
Monkey's Eyebrow, KY
Moon, KY
Mousie, KY
Mummie, KY
Mud Lick, KY
Oddville, KY
Ogle, KY
Oil Springs, KY
Ordinary, KY
Paint Lick, KY
Parrot, KY
PeeWee Valley, KY
Petroleum, KY
Pippa Passes, KY
Pleasureville, KY
Pope, KY
Possum Trot, KY
Pyramid, KY,
Quality, KY
Quicksand, KY
Rabbit Hash, KY
Raccoon, KY
Ready, KY
Redhouse, KY
Relief, KY
Ringos Mills, KY
Select, KY
Shoulderblade, KY
Slusher, KY
Stamping Ground, KY
Subtle, KY
Thousandsticks, KY
Top Most, KY
Turkey, KY
Typo, KY
Viper, KY
Vortex, KY
Wax, KY
Wild Cat, KY
Zoe, KY
Also: Big Bone Lick State Park.
Note: In northern Kentucky, "lick" is
the name for any dry creek bed. Saying
"Beaver Lick" is as innocent as saying
"Beaver Creek".
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
REPOST: In Defense of Aethelrede
In case anyone missed this:
______________________________
From: Douglas Henderson <sons...@erols.com>
In Defense of Aethelrede
I, for one, have become tired of everyone picking on Aethelrede for his views,
for his personality, for his posts. If you knew the truth about Aethelrede,
I'm sure that you would think twice before attacking him.
The truth is, and I have this from an unimpeachable source, "Aethelrede" is
the cyberspace alter ego of a person who, quite frankly, is a holier and
better person than anyone else on this newsgroup.
The fact is that "Aethelrede" is really a shy, retiring nun living in a small
convent in the Great Lakes region of America.
This gentle, sweet, lady of mature years has spent her entire adult life with
the Sisters of the Sacred Blood where she has been a pious dame, doing good
works, working with the poor and the forlorn- truly a saintly woman. She has
often lamented the fact that there are so few lepers in modern times that she
has not had a chance to cleanse and bind the oozing sores of one.
This maiden lady never swears, never imbibes, and has been known to pick up
fledglings fallen from their nest, and after making sure no laviscious eyes
are looking, will hike her habit up and shinny up the tree in a trice to
replace the poor innocent creatures in their nest.
Several people have testified that they have had their faith in the Holy
Mother Church, and, indeed, in all mankind, restored by spending time with
this most excellent woman. When she embarked on a ministry to women of the
red light district of Chicago, many left their "trade" and a few chose a
vocation as sisters of this devout sister.
There is one story of a lame person able to cast away his crutches after a few
hours with this gentle dame, a story so well attested that officials have
taken note and the preliminaries of the canonization proceedings are already
well in hand.
Given all of this consistent benevolence, is it not natural that this goodly
sister should need, shall we say, an alter ego, as a sort of escape valve?
As Aethelrede, she (I conceal her name, because her convent has already
expressed concern about pilgrimages arriving at their humble and obscure
convent) can, in a harmless way, seek a respite from a life of holiness.
To be sure, this persona may seem annoying, may seem hurtful, may seem
bigoted, may seem reactionary, may seem misogynistic, may seem as full of
bile as a bloated toad, may seem dull to other's sensibilities, may seem
bellicose, obtuse, narrow-minded, coarse, nasty, brutal, and short.
But it is not so.
So before you fling epithets at this gentle woman- whose outer form, though
unattractive and bovine to look at, houses a spirit that many saints would
bid fair to emulate- please, please, please reconsider.
Who is it you are criticizing?
How can YOU *possibly*, in a million years, be better than Aethelrede?
He or she is so far beyond our ken that I no longer read his posts because I
am so unworthy and incapable of truly understanding anything that he writes.
I suggest we all do the same and allow this sainted individual the only
company that is holy enough, intelligent enough, broadminded enough, to
associate with Aethelrede. That is, of course...
Aethelrede.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Who keeps the goblin?
In a street, there are 5 houses painted
5 different colors. In each house lives
a person of a different nationality.
The 5 homeowners each drink a
different beverage, smoke a different
brand of cigar, and keep a different pet.
The question is: Who keeps the goblin?
HINTS:
1) The Brit lives in the red house.
2) The Swede has a dog.
3) The Dane drinks tea.
4) The green house is on the left of the white house.
5) The owner of the green house drinks coffee.
6) The person who smokes pall mall has birds.
7) The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhills.
8) The man living in the center house drinks milk.
9) The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10) The man who smokes blends lives next to the one who has cats.
11) The man who has horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhills.
12) The man who smokes blue master drinks beer.
13) The German smokes prince.
14) The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15) The man who smokes blends has a neighbor who drinks water.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Now This Is Censorship
Rocket Robin Hood says...
>
> Art Ettinger wrote:
>
>>> Nice try. "Censorship" implies that TKO has a "right" to have their ad
>>> appear in the zine. They don't. Freedom of speech means you have a
>>> right to say what you want, it DOES NOT mean that you can expect others
>>> to say it for you. Should MRR run Pepsi or Nike or Britney Spears ads?
>>> Obviously they have to draw the line somewhere.
>>
>> Bullshit. There are many different types of censorship. Not all done
>> by governments. Not printing ads based on content is stupid and no one
>> who really believes in free speech would back such a policy. If I ran
>> MRR they'd have band ads from everything from anarchist and communist
>> bands to nazi bands. I know they have the right to print whatever they
>> want. And they've decided to censor based on content. Which makes them
>> dumb anti-speech types in my book...art
>
>Do you think a dildo manufacturer should be allowed to advertise in
>"Highlights For Children"?
And speaking of censoring Dildos,
the Toronto Maple Leafs forced a
group from Dildo, Newfoundland,
to take down a sign saying where
they were from.
How could they do this to those
poor, upstanding Dildos!?
Nov 27 2001 06:55 PM EST
Proud to be from Dildo
Dildo, Nfld. - Three brothers from one Newfoundland community complained
Tuesday that they recently experienced "hometown" discrimination.
The men, one of them terminally ill, are from Dildo and were in Toronto to
watch a Maple Leafs hockey game.
Max Reid said their plan was unfurl a banner, hoping the TV cameras would
catch it and relay their message back home: "Go Leafs go. Hello, Dildo,
Newfoundland."
He said one woman told them to roll up their sign because it was a
disgrace and that they were vulgar. They did that and left the game.
The Leafs stand by the decision.
Reid said he'll be cheering for a new team.
"Our sign could have said Whitbourne or New Harbour or Blaketown, but
we're not from there. We're from here and we're proud of it."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Re: [poll] Single Issue Politics
jen...@triffid.demon.co.uk (Jennie) wrote ...
> It's a while since we've had one of these, and we seem to be
> cycling through a lot of the old debates again, so I thought I'd simplify
> things and hopefully save us all some time and bandwidth by creating a
> poll on the usual issues in a simple checklist stylee. I'm aware of how
> tempting it will be to violate the checklist format, so I hereby request
> no more than one paragraph per subject, please. Feel free to add any
> important issues which I have accidentally omitted.
>
> [1] Guns
Butter!
> [2] Having children
What is the difference between alt.gothic
and childbirth? One can be terribly painful
and sometimes almost unbearable while the
other is just having a baby.
> [4] Hitler
When you're arguing with someone on
usenet, a good tactic is to compare your
opponent to Hitler. Bring Hitler up
subtly. Say that that sounds like something
Hitler might say.
[6] Iron dildos
That's Fascinet's department.
> [7] Capital punishment
Some people are alive only
because it's illegal to kill them.
> [8] Corporal punishment
Spankings.
They're not just for birthdays anymore.
> [9] Positive discrimination
I HAVE NO PREJUDICES: all
my hatreds are based on solid
evidence.
> [10] Sexual promiscuity
When good girls go bad,
goblins go right after them.
> [11] Evolution
> [12] Christianity
> [13] Islam
> [14] Feminism
It's a good thing Darrin didn't see
this...there's no mention of Judaism.
> [15] Drinking alcohol
24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not.
> [16] Using illegal recreational drugs
Just look at what they did to
Livermore and Mike H.
> [18] Vampires
Don't run while holding a wooden stake.
>
> [27] Human cloning
We are not a clone.
> [28] Space exploration
I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our
solar system.
carrie_miaway
Re: hugely controversial topic
Gorax writes:
>is punk dead?
>it's something I haven't had a decent argument about for a long time
>I was just chatting on MSN and it was bought up, I figured I'd ask around
>here
>
>
you want to know what's dead?
i'll tell you what's dead- my
goldfish bela:
bela my goldfish's dead
floating lifeless near the filter
aquatic pet
bela my goldfish's dead
he's up in ichthoid afterlife
a halo on his head
black gravel lines the shoebox
bela my goldfish's dead
bela my goldfish's dead
unfed unfed unfed
unfed unfed unfed
my fishy friend died from a lack of food
flush him down the sewers-a funeral so crude
contributes to my darkened mood
the carp-bela my goldfish's dead
oh bela...
he's unfed...
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Ralph Furley (my...@petsonprozac.com)
Subject: Re: operation ivy? fascist? wtf?
Newsgroups: alt.punk
drew mauldin <save...@yahoo.com> writes:
>ok on the alt.punk website (www.altpunk.com) i saw on a FAQ it said that the
>song unity by operation ivy was fascist because it is "about unity for white
>supremists". what a dumbass! my god how could someone be so stupid? reply
>with what you think about this.
>
>--
>drew mauldin
>aim: savedrew
>
>
Operation Ivy's racist affiliations are/were an open secret. Of
course, "ska-punk" has exploded in popularity since, and now anyone who tries
to discuss some of their shadier, less-publicized beliefs gets flamed by
clueless new jack kids defending their favourite band, or gets a bunch of
equally dumb "punk" kids making up ridiculous shit about seeing Op Ivy in SS
uniforms and the like. The truth is simpler and less sensational, but sad
nonetheless. The members of Op Ivy came from largely white
supremacist/skinhead backgrounds, and these views never entirely disappeared.
Try reading their lyrics with that context in mind and you'll see what I
mean. Being open about some of their less acceptable ideas would've kept
them off Lookout for ever, but even in the midst of their success, some
members continued to associate with their old nazi buddies and insert coded
racial messages into their "positive" songs. Back in the day, it was fairly
common knowledge why bands ranging from Final Conflict through Youth Of Today
refused to play with them, but I guess all of the 12-year-olds these days
have never even heard of those bands in the first place...
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: ThePsyko (thep...@itookmyprozac.com)
Subject: Re: operation ivy? fascist? wtf?
Ralph Furley <my...@petsonprozac.com> wrote:
ha ha ha ho ho ho har har har GUFFAW!!!!
Dave, matt and Tim hardly came from a white supremacist /skinhead
background..... while I've never particularly cared for Matt, I grew
up with him and I can honestly say he isn't racist.... as for Tim - I
didn't grow up with him per se, but we used to hang before the op ivy
days... ditto there..... and I played in a band with Dave pre op ivy
and he was most definately NOT racist.... dunno where you got your
info but it is wrong wrong wrong...
but thanks for playing...
ThePsyko
Public Enemy #7
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: j00 j00
From: hit-a...@mailandnews.com (hit-and-run tactics)
Newsgroups: alt.punk.straight-edge, rec.sport.curling, alt.punk
"DemilinX" <demi...@juno.com> ...
> You're all bunch of homophobes! Geezz.. I remember in junior high and such
> calling others 'fags' was supposed to be an insult but it seems among video
> game junkies and the generally ignorant that it is really common for sexual
> orientation bashing to occur. I think it's just the problem of middle class
> kids who have nothing better to do than bitch about school and how it takes
> away from the gaming time (i know that feeling - hehe - i used to play
> Nintendo way too much).
>
Hey Mat,
I think you posted this to the wrong newsgroup. You intended to post
it to one of your video games newsgroups, right?
Nevermind, I crossposted it rec.sport.curling to make more people
aware of the problem.
rec.sport.curling is now, besides alt.punk, the official newsgroup for
conflict solving, general advice, casual conversation, psychological
counseling, adult personals, cheap jokes, discussion of white power
Ska music and Swahili language studies. It's also host for the
anonymous Michelle Lyons cultists.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Mike...the pride of the
Central Florida educational system
From: mike h (noantispamer~thu...@cfl.rr~dot~com)
Subject: Re: A comprehensive Orlando vacation information and travel
guideincluOrlando Jet Ski Rates
Newsgroups: rec.sport.jetski
Date: 2001-07-13 19:30:48 PST
"Tourist Tips" <jam...@bellsouth.net> wrote ...
> A comprehensive Orlando vacation information and travel guide including
> discount attractions tickets to theme parks and discount hotels.
> orlandotouristinformationbureau.com/eco-tours/watersports.htm
> Jaime
>
>
>
ORLANDO SUCK!!!!!
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Oooh!! You Guys!!
I came here because I'm stupid and I wanted the
solace of fellows, but you're all just a bunch
of smart, funny, popular people. Fascistists!
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Stop Smoking NOW!!!
okay.... Now start.
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Here's something I meant to say
...eh, durnit, forgot it again.
nevermind.
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Some Beat Poetry For Ya
rubics cube, inner tube, cosmic naughty body lube
neon light bulbs like spine splints along my back, sizzle and crack
the truth of all eternity is in my soup and i have eaten the letters
i use my tongue to depress the typewriter keys in my pallet,
a handful of vowels
and several backslash question marks of mismatched
serif sloppiness (my time worn utensils)
archipelego ergo i stink
miranda, what do you think
this cardiac arrest
and my best vest
no less
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Well....
it's nearly 3 am. i've been sitting here all night
waiting for somebody to post something, but
nobody has. so I might as well go to bed, now.
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: let me tell ya a little bit about myself
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am
the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy
urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear.
I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven.
I have played Hamlet.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: US are Terrorists
"xtroydestroyx" <s401...@student.uq.edu.au> wrote...
"WE."
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Robert E. Lee
I knew Robert E. Lee. His parents were Korean and considered
themselves chosen people. His father had ambitions for Robert, but
insisted on keeping him in a jar designed to hold seventeen ounces of
all-natural peanut butter made only from organic and multi-orgasmic
peanuts. The effect was rather like that of foot-binding, except that
it extended to the compression of his entire body. By puberty, Robert
had memorized the Encyclopedia Britannica, written seventeen novels
in Korean and eight more in English, translated My Life and Loves
into a dialect spoken only by several hundred aboriginal Australians,
and had grown to about eight inches in height and four in diameter.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Obscene Limericks
The integral sec y dy
From zero to one sixth of pi
Is the log to base e
Of the square root of three.
Times the square of the fourth power of i.
Three thousand six hundred and one
Times eight hundred and seventy three
Is three million one hundred
And forty three thousand
Six hundred and seventy three.
The integral zee squared dee zee
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e.*
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
* 1/3
3
/
| 2 3 pi / 3-- \
| z dz * cos(----) = log | \/ e |
| 9 \ /
/
1
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Solely same sound starts seven spellings.
Subtitle: Sibilances.
Salutations, Cincinnati!
(Certainly silly stipulation. Spontaneity stifled, stultified.)
So. Some simple sensible sentences:
Seamen seldom skilfully sculpt sacrilegious scrimshaw.
Succinct sayings seem subtle.
Seduce sophomores!
Some somewhat strange sentences:
(Seemingly surrealistic semantics.)
Stubbornness seeks soybeans.
16 cyclotrons somnambulate strategically.
Sublime soupspoons select semicolons, circumflexes.
Saucy spoonerisms? So sparse!
Sanity slipping. Cerebellum swirling.
surname slash signature
silence
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Than Ago
Than ago I never was, although I special went.
When ago she ever was, although I treasure spent.
Then ago we ever toss, and little many vent.
Wanna go, I sever loss. In any view, repent.
carrie_miaway
Stop Smoking NOW!!!
alt.punk, alt.punk.straight-edge, alt.bobgoblin-extraordinaire,
alt.fan.the-bob.goblin
okay.... Now start.
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Some Beat Poetry For Ya
rubics cube, inner tube, cosmic naughty body lube
neon light bulbs like spine splints along my back, sizzle and crack
the truth of all eternity is in my soup and i have eaten the letters
i use my tongue to depress the typewriter keys in my pallet, a handful
of vowels and several backslash question marks of mismatched
serif sloppiness (my time worn utensils)
archipelego ergo i stink
miranda, what do you think
this cardiac arrest
and my best vest
no less
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: An Infinite Number of Monkeys
>
>
> I think we've all heard what happens when
> you put an infinite number of monkeys in a
> tree and equip them all with typewriters.
>
> At some point before the end of eternity, they
> will allegedly bang out the complete works of
> Shakespeare.
>
> Now, suppose you substitute each monkey with
> a Mike H clone. What do you think they might
> generate?
>
> Just wondering.
>
>
I actually started this experiment this morning. They make one hell of
a noise. Fortunately, most of them are several light years away. Anyway, I think
we are onto a winner with clone number 314,159,265,358,979 as he has already
produced the following:
===================
Success Is a Papers
===================
For insertionist need to motivate a problems rathereforeseeable external
ever meet everythin tasks.
Do not before these questionist important too worried and ignore control is
helpful.
Be responsider what you withings you alone and make sure your timetable time
management in mind that 80 percent to problem.
You must accomplish, you work area and you have problem.
You need to do so management of moderated.
You need your times from our listed.
Pressed, constructive to begin tasks in mind their importantly, revious
ones.
By inclusive; inclusive; increasing the are confused comes for many time
managing your tasks.
Determine the for paper dates from which could attempt to the items which
your organization is come special and in mind the intention is esses list.
Reevaluate to effectivities to study break, or him or door; open it and
hobbies; As you are limits; failure the key to achieve to the can be
postponed.
Do not wait until everyone's expect of such organization of accomplishment
in developing a sense of your door; open it is that you work.
Keep in mind you work best importance, if you are responsible.
Good luck!
===================
carrie_miaway
B.O.B.G.O.B.L.I.N.:
B.O.B.G.O.B.L.I.N.:
Being Optimized for Battle
and Galactic Observation/Biomechanical
Lifeform Intended for Nullification
--
BFG
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Bort Flancrest
>Hello.
Hello, Bort Flancrest.
Greetings from alt.punk.
> I am the poster formerly known as "Paul Beahm." I am writing to
You have sexual tendencies that are
not normal, and you should be
ashamed of them.
>let you all know that I have decided to change my "posting handle."
>My new "posting handle" shall be "Bort Flancrest."
>
>I know you all have many questions regarding this change. I have taken the
>liberty of anticipating your questions, answering them, and listing them in
>a convenient "question and answer" format.
>
There are a lot of deep feelings you could
admit to your friends that would cause them
to never speak to you again.
>Here they are now.
>
>Q: Isn't somebody already using the "posting handle" "Bort Flancrest"?
>
>A: Yes. Yes, there is.
>
> I have decided to go ahead with this change of "posting handle" to "Bort
> Flancrest," in spite of the preexistence of a "Bort Flancrest" "posting
> handle," for one simple reason: the person now using the "posting
> handle" "Bort Flancrest" is a lackwit from a Mr. Bungle newsgroup.
Your high ground is that
you own a Geo Metro.
> Therefore, the chance that any of my posts will be mistaken for his is
> practically nil.
>
No one will ever love you as much
as your mother did. And her love
completely fucked you up, lets face it.
>
> My posts shall be screamingly "funny," as they always have been.
> In order to reassure you of this, I have prepared a thigh-slappingly
> "funny" closing line for this very post.
>
>Q: Is there anything I can do to help you set up the thigh-slappingly
> "funny" closing line that you have prepared for this post?
>
>A: Yes. Ask me whether this change of "posting handle" isn't awfully
> risky.
>
>Q: Isn't this change of "posting handle" awfully risky?
>
>A: No. If it does not work out, I can always a-"BORT" it.
>
But your parents didn't think about what
they were doing for a second. They
just reproduced like dumb apes -- and
here you are, part of the problem.
>Sincerely,
Not that I'm going to start rashly insinuating
that you've ever had any idea what you're
talking about, but surely you must know how
screamingly funny that last clause is.
>Bort Flancrest
>
You remind me of Dan Quayle
(except that he made wiser,
more intuitive and meaningful
statements than you do).
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
The Queen of Cans and Jars
There is no need to be concerned.
Your approval is not required.
bobby goblin
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Tophet70 (toph...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: Drummer wanted NYC
>4 guys whom have no job looking for like minded person to pretend
>they are in the cro mags. Influences are Cro Mags, Septic Death,
>Negative Approach, Crossed Out, Infest, Kaiju Big Battel and other
>things that are good. If youre interested email stin...@dunces.org
>
>PS Must be willing to fistfight with Dropdead and Dr. Cube
When I was a little boy, I used to pretend I was in the Cro Mags
I used to stand in front of the Mirror and draw a bat on my chest and
play "We gotta know" on a tennis racket. Except my version was called
"We gotta pretend to know"
I used to practice stage diving off the top of my bunkbed and into the
fake pitthat I imagined. I actually drew pretend people on the wall so
I could pretend they would catch me
The broken bones were not pretend though when I hit the "Real" floor
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: About My High BQ
Newsgroups: alt.bobgoblin-extraordinaire,alt.fan.the-bob.goblin,alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,alt.punk
Czar of All Teh Flonkers <feeto...@shaw.ca.flonkmebaby> wrote
>
> > I hereby nominate The Queen of this and that
> > as the most boring troll in recent memory.
>
> No, I think Mr. Lyons has that one all wrapped up for himself, already...
>
I'm unfamiliar with the other internet trolls. Maybe you could name
some of them for me, and then I could judge if Goblin is indeed a
boring troll.
If his most boringness is clearly demonstrated, then imagine how
foolish I'll feel, having fallen for a boring troll all this time,
when I could have been appreciating the writings of the exciting,
hip, cool, with-it trolls that you're going to fill me in on.
carrie_miaway
Subject: Re: The Queen of Alt.Flamenet
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,
alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, alt.flame, alt.flamenet, alt.punk
Flaagg <flaagg@REMOVE_TO_EMAIL_attbi.com> wrote:
> >
> > you're just a little flaggot...
>
> Wha...oh! Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! I see what you did there!
> "flaagg"..."faggot..."flaggot"! Oh, man, what a completely ORIGINAL play
> on my nick! Hahahaaa!! Never seen THAT one before!
>
You've probably seen these before, but what the hey...
Flimflaagg.
Flaaggulence.
Flaaggsam and Jetsam.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
_______________________________
From: Flaagg (flaagg@REMOVE_TO_EMAIL_attbi.com)
Subject: Re: The Queen of Alt.Flamenet
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,
alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, alt.flame, alt.flamenet, alt.punk
Fascinet writes...
> Flaagg <flaagg@REMOVE_TO_EMAIL_attbi.com> wrote:
>
> > >
> > > you're just a little flaggot...
> >
> > Wha...oh! Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! I see what you did there!
> > "flaagg"..."faggot..."flaggot"! Oh, man, what a completely ORIGINAL play
> > on my nick! Hahahaaa!! Never seen THAT one before!
> >
>
>
> You've probably seen these before, but what the hey...
>
>
> Flimflaagg.
No.
> Flaaggulence.
Yes, a long time back.
> Flaaggsam and Jetsam.
No, but I kinda like it.
--
Aaron M. Henne -flaagg mhm9x2-
PLANET F WEBSITE: http://home.attbi.com/~flaagg/
"I believe in people lying. I believe in people dying."
- Tricky, "Excess"
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
This Bigoted Name Calling Must Stop
I'm sorry, but I can't stay quiet when I see this
sort of bigoted behavior going on. I think life's
probably hard enough for people in that group
without hatefilled speech being thrown at them
simply because of what they are. They have to put
up with people not wanting them to live next to
them and not want them around their children.
They're told that God hates them and they're going
to hell. People are taunted and harrassed merely
for displaying some of the characteristics that are
often attributed to being one of "them".
It's not a choice that they brought upon themselves.
There's much scientific evidence that suggests that it
is in fact genetically determined. I have to be honest
though, I am not fully comfortable with it and being
around it, but now I've decided that's my problem.
I suppose the real reason for my change of heart
about this is because I recently heard that a cousin
of mine might be French.
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
_______________________________
From: Park Luck (park...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: This Bigoted Name Calling Must Stop
>I suppose the real reason for my change of heart
> about this is because I recently heard that a cousin
> of mine might be French.
I don't think I can see you when you come to town.
evan
_______________________________
From: NoDecafPlz (nodec...@aol.com)
Subject: Re: This Bigoted Name Calling Must Stop
Be strong Bob!
J.
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
carrie_miaway
Subject: Things Not To Say
Well I have really outdone myself this week. Talk about the verbal
faux pas. I do not want any of you good folks to suffer the
embarrassment that I have in the past week so
I thought I would share.
1) Whilst out doing a real estate appraisal inspection on Friday.
I asked the homeowner.
"Do you have gas?" They hesitated, looked at me oddly and then
answered "yes I do".
Probably would have been better to ask if the gas was connected to
the house.
2) Whilst ordering an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins with my
daughter.
"I will take 2 scoops of chocolate,in a sugar cone then turn it
upside down in a cup. Because when I lick the balls they fall in my
lap."
Really no words to describe the look of horror on the 16 year old
counter boys face.
3) And tonight. Whilst at the grocery store (all alone milling
through the zucchini, touching and bending them to and fro...
"Excuse me, do you have any of these that are hard,
these are all limp, I need some stiff ones".
Got the same look from the elderly produce clerk that I got from the
boy.
Please, learn from my mistakes.
TJ (who may just not talk to strangers anymore
ROFL! My worst recent clanger was when I was advising a sixteen year
old boy about further education choices, his teachers had noted in his
report that he was underachieving, and he was obviously tired and
short of sleep. I said "I don't know what you are doing at night
to keep you from your studies, but I think you should put it away and
leave it alone." He looked totally aghast, and I quickly added,
very airily and without a trace of embarrassment
(although I was screaming inside) "I don't care if
it's a playstation or an X-box......."
Note to self. Think before speaking.
Jeanette
LOL!! The funniest one I can remember is when the waitress came to
doggie-bag our food at the restaurant the other day. She asked my
mom if she wanted her spaghetti wrapped, and my mom said "oh no.
My DOG wouldn't even eat this". The waitress looked aghast and
quickly began apologizing and asked if she could get my mom
something else. My mom looked completely confused - Of course
she meant that our dog doesn't like spaghetti.
-lorienelf
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Sexist Words and Phrases
From The Sacramento Bee, May 19:
Christine Stolba, a history Ph.D. and senior fellow at the
indispensable Independent Women's Forum, recently steeled herself for
the ordeal of reading a lot of meretricious rubbish. The result is her
report, "Lying in a Room of One's Own: How Women's Studies Textbooks
Miseducate Students." It is published by the IWF, a voice for women
unlike those who have hijacked feminism. The hijackers include the
authors of five widely used women's studies textbooks....The title of
Stolba's report echoes that of Virginia Woolf's splendid 1929 essay "A
Room of One's Own," in which Woolf deftly suggested how many
deprivations -- including having no "room of her own" -- could explain
why a sister of Shakespeare would have been handicapped compared to
her brother. Today a widely used women's studies textbook fulminates
against supposedly phallic words and phrases such as -- no kidding --
"input," "plugs into," "thrust" and "penetrate."
I think that the term "widely used women"
is sexist. The mind boggles at the thought
of these "widely used women" who
wrote the textbooks.
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
From: Fascinet (fasc...@my-deja.com)
Subject: Long Live...
...alcohol, jailbait, and rock-and-roll.
I hope my next post isn't from a penitentiary.
Fascinet
Spreading Sweetness and Light to the Genetically Inferior
_______________________________
In alt.punk, Fascinet said:
> ...alcohol, jailbait, and rock-and-roll.
>
> I hope my next post isn't from a penitentiary.
>
I told you not to join the priesthood.
carrie_miaway
Music Industry Unveils New Piracy-Proof Format:
A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It
Industry leaders have unveiled a revolutionary new recording
format that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing,
which is thought to be costing the music industry millions in lost revenue.
Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black,
vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a
specially designed 'turntable'.
"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the
world can access the data on this disc," RCA spokesman Brett Campbell
said. "We are also confident that no one is going to be able to produce
pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of
trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the
music industry has ever seen."
As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the
designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who
regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and Gnutella and
who admit to pirating music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none
of them were able to hack into the disc's code or access any of the
music files contained within it.
"It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one
of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean,
what format is it? Is it, like, from France or something?"
In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is
encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound
is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process
that industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary'
and 'stunningly clever.'
To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a
special player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves
on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the
movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.
Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the
new format will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never
seen anything like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?"
As rumors that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing
a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, needle-based, firewire drive remain
unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last,
have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
The New Avant-Garde-It's True!
Today's bohemian subculture is an ever-increasingly eclectic blend
of experimental poets, abstract performance artists, conceptual
musicians, eccentric intellectuals and avant-gardists for all
seasons.
They converge at New York's coffee shops and art houses to
wax philosophical, display their irreverent media and discuss
the evident pitfalls in their chosen careers: the brutality
of the critics, the misunderstanding public, the emotional
perils of self-expression and, of course, the bitter taste of
bankruptcy. Despite the emotional release of creative outlets,
no one would argue that the money earned by these lost creative
souls is almost perilously nonexistent.
But there is one "starving artist" in this burgeoning field who
is busy, acclaimed and definitely not starving.
DarrinT68 is working diligently on his latest masterwork. He
lays down the first element - a fluffy, six-inch tuft
of white bread- with a surgeon's precision. He precariously
adds two shiny slices of all-white meat roast-chicken breast.
He concludes with a violent toss of fresh iceberg lettuce and an
explosively sexual spray of light mayonnaise dressing.
DarrinT68 is a leading master in the new breed of "sandwich
artists." These young innovators in modern art have been practicing
their brand of neo-abstract expressionism in the underground circuit
of Subway restaurants/studios since the first franchise/art house
opened in 1974.
"I see myself as a modern day Jackson Pollack or Willem de
Kooning, shifting between representational and abstract modes,
emphasizing the duality of sexual identity, using psychic imagery to
slash at social morays," said DarrinT68. "But instead of using paint
and canvas, I use delicious baked bread and fresh fixings. Am I not
an artiste'? Was I not graced with the gift of gab and dab!?ehehee
"Would you like a drink with that?" he added.
DarrinT68 slips into his uniform for an intimate gala
showing/buffet at the Reitz Union Gallery. At the event, both
critics and art fans were overwhelmingly delighted at DarrinT68's
esthetical edibles.
"This is a highly articulated statement on consumerism and the
culture of consumption," said New York University art professor
Thomas Higgins. "DarrinT68 is today's Roy Lichtenstein,
documenting and gently parodying the comestibles of post-industrial
society."
"Plus, the Cold Cut Trio is the bomb-diggy as far as sammitches
go," Higgins added.
"Mmmmm. That's some damn-sam-wich," the Harvard-educated
professor said as he plaintively licked his fingers and eyed a small
"fun-sized" bag of Sour Cream and Onion Baked Lays potato chips.
Other critics have likened DarrinT68 to pop-art guru Claes
Oldenburg, whose oversized lipsticks, shuttlecocks and legendary
nine-and-a-half-foot-long "Floor Cake" are indirectly paralleled
to a monstrous work that DarrinT68 recently produced for a
South Shore Little League Team entitled "Super Classic
Italian B.M.T.Ž Party Sub."
Some critics, including fellow sandwich artist Michael
Jeffries, find DarrinT68's food-art as completely indigestible.
"Darrin isn't advancing the scene at all," said Jeffries, an
employee at competing diner/art house Schlotz's Deli. "His art
is part of the system he's rebelling against. There is nothing
remotely abstract about his grotesque grinders.
"In this scene, you have to color outside the lines. Who says
the mustard has to be on the inside? Who says you can't mix
tuna and chocolate? He's not taking any risks," Jeffries said.
DarrinT68's loyal customers/fans obviously disagree. Despite
DarrinT68's general disdain for the general public and his
unorthodox subject matter, people from outside the art community
regularly consume his works and have described them as "delicious,"
"tasty," and occasionally "quite yummy."
They like the sandwich but don't understand the ironic and
metaphorical implications inherent in my sandwich art," DarrinT68
said. "My art exists only in the time it takes you to bring it to
your dining quarters. It is literally consumed and later
digested and crapped out ehehe.
"Each delicious Fresh Value Meal is a disheartening microcosm
for your futile existence at only $3.99," DarrinT68 said.
DarrinT68 also asserts that seven of his "interpretive
realizations for cultural upheaval" have less than seven grams
of fat - a treat for the health conscious art patron.
Tonight, DarrinT68 is heading out to the Exploding Bologna
Inevitable, a renowned meeting grounds for artists in the culinary
arts. DarrinT68 chats with leaders in creating artistic pizzas and
ubversive burgers, as well as one beret-festooned gentleman who is
rumored to be mixing the disparaged values evident in the
"art brut" of French painter Jean Dubuffet with some warm,
flat-bread chalupas.
Here, DarrinT68 will discuss philosophy with his
fellow artists and converse about the evolving community.
That is unless his manager doesn't spend all evening chewing him
out.
Roger Duffy, 48, owns the restaurant/studio where DarrinT68
works and often commissions him to create works for his private
collection/meals. Tonight, he seems less than pleased with the
budding sensation.
"Darrin, your tardiness is outrageous, your attitude is slipshod,
and your latest works have been contrived and redundant
statements treading similar symbolic and Dadaist territories
that do nothing to comment on our lucid despair concerning
the inability to divert time." He then called DarrinT68 a hack
and reminded that there is no "I" in "team."
"And what is it going to take for you to remember to mop the fucking
floor?" he asked. "I can't be at the store all day looking after you
boneheads."
Later, an undaunted DarrinT68 said, "I'm in it for the love of art,
but the $6.25 an hour is worth old man Duffy's unforgiving shackles
of bourgeois fascism.
"He can mop this ehehehe."
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Goblin Lectures At A Satirists Convention
Cincinatti multi-millionaire net-trepreneur, Robert "Bobgoblin"
Goblin was in New York yesterday to warn would-be worldwide
web wits of the continuing improbability of their ever making
a cent out of their satire websites.
Speaking to a captive audience of satire-website reporters,
Goblin informed them:
"Time to wake up and smell the coffee, guys. The Onion is a
world brand. It's not going to go away and it's not going to
give you a link either. And even if it did, all you'd get out
of it would be more people calling you 'crap' than you currently
have. That's the wonderful thing about the Internet: now you can
be globally dismissed as piss-poor copies of a great original,
not just nationally.
"There's over a hundred sites like yours out there, all
thinking, geez, look at how popular The Onion got: that could
happen to me too!"
According to Goblin's expert analysis, 93% of all traffic to
satire websites came from the writers of other satire websites
looking for ideas to swipe.
"Nobody is going to become another Onion, okay? The Onion was a
printed success-story first and then moved effortlessly to the net.
You think the internet is going to make you famous? That will
happen the day Pope Trevor IX pulls his dick out and shakes it at
worshippers in St Peter's Square. You are all wasting your fucking
time."
As for advice on site-name-awareness expansion strategy, Goblin
was dismissive of the e-marketing methods thus far applied by
satirical websites:
"Sure, link up with each other, promote each others' sites...
create nodes for browsers seeking comedy, sure. These are very
positive strategies. But don't lose sight of the fact that there
aren't that many people interested enough to even go looking for
your stuff. That's the great thing about the internet - now you
can be overlooked by people all over the world, not just in your
own countries."
Ending the lecture on a high note, however, Goblin encouraged
all satirical websites never to give up:
"But keep at it, guys. Hell, never give up. You think the
guys on The Onion gave up after only its second issue just
because they saw that it was a massive critical and commercial
success? No, sir. Never forget: 'Who Dares, Wins'. Just
remember that despite no matter what you do, you'll always be
referred to as 'Onion rip-offs'. But hey,you know, somebody
somewhere in the world might be laughing at your websites. I
certainly will be. Although not for reasons you'd like."
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Area Man Says Yes to Spam -Now Has Enlarged Breasts, Penis
BOSTON, MA-- Shortly after area resident Robert Gamp got his first
email account, he became so touched by all the wonderful people
from all over the world sending him mail, that he just couldn't
be ungrateful by not taking them up on their kind offers.
"I really appreciated," said Gamp, "that all these people in far
away countries like Tajikistan, Hungary and Nigeria, would take
the time to write me and let me in on all these great deals."
Although Gamp was away on one of the numerous free Florida
vacations and Bahama cruises he'd won, he was gracious enough
to take time out from his busy schedule of mortgage refinancings
to speak with reporters.
"That's my 20th refinancing," he said, stuffing the paperwork in a
drawer. "Did you know that mortgage rates have never been lower?
I win and the banks lose!"
But it hasn't been all wine and roses for Gamp since he went online.
"At first," Gamp said, "My enormous breasts seemed a little
incongruous next to my huge cock, which, of course, was constantly
erect from all the Viagra those nice professional pharmacists in Kenya,
Estonia, and Tajikistan kept sending me for half off the normal price,
not to mention the 30-minutes free lesbian-animal porn chat rooms
I was always being invited into -- but thanks to all the Propecia I
got for 30% below retail from a sweet gentleman in Albania, the hair
that grew all over my body covered most of it up."
Sources close to Gamp said that the reason he religiously used the
many breast enlargement products he'd ordered was a result of being
high most of the time on the legal herbal marijuana and ecstasy
substitutes he'd been sent at a fraction of the cost of real marijuana
and ecstasy; and because he was so busy setting up all the free
merchant mastercard accounts for all the online businesses he was
starting, to supplement the income from the work-at-home jobs he'd
gotten, (not to mention hanging all the college degrees he'd been
awarded and laminating all the international UN drivers licenses he'd
been issued and publicizing all the .tv and .us domain names he'd
registered for life at half price), he just never noticed his breasts
growing to be the size of watermelons.
Gamp, however, was still sanguine about it all. "Thanks to all the
money I've saved from all these mortgage refinancings and from
having people in Bulgaria and the Congo endlessly restructuring
my debt," he said, "when that email with an unbeatable offer for
some great new breast reduction product comes through, I'll
definitely be ready to afford it."
carrie_miaway
England Will Win Major Football Tournament Before Heat Death of
Universe, Scientists Predict
LONDON--England's footballers will win a major
tournament before the known universe ceases to
exist, a new study claims.
"I can't really explain here how we obtained this
sensational result," said Harding Centre for Sports
Probabilities spokesman William MacDougall, "but in
layman's terms it's derived from the 'monkeys on
typewriters' theorem which states that an infinite
number of monkeys banging away on an immense number
of typewriters would eventually produce the complete
works of Shakespeare. So, it's fair to say that if
England enters enough competitions, they will-given
a virtual infinity of time-finally triumph."
Football Association officials had no comment.
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
NYU Study On Subway Travel
NEW YORK-- A new study has found that for some New Yorkers,
being crushed against the body of a complete stranger on
a packed underground train is the only time they get to
experience any intimate, physical contact.
"It's the closest I get to a meaningful relationship," said
commuter "DarrinT68." "I touched the elbow of a really nice
girl two weeks ago. But it didn't last. She had to get off
at Borough Hall."
The pressure of modern city life has made forming relationships
increasingly difficult. With alternative methods of meeting
people such as personal ads and dating agencies still stigmatized
for some people, many New Yorkers remain frustratingly single.
For them, travelling on an overcrowded subway represents the
only time they can be physically close to another person.
"What we are seeing is an evolution in human interaction,"
said Eli Wasserbaum, Professor of Behavorial & Social Sciences
at New York University. "Instead of seeing relationships in
terms of months or years, people are now seeing them in terms
of minutes, or the number of stops on their subway journey."
Brooklyn resident DarrinT68 has had numerous underground
affairs: "The first time, I was on the F train going to York
Street. She was older than me, mid-forties I'd say. The train
lurched forward and I felt her briefcase dig into my thigh.
Well, one thing led to another and soon our shoulders were
rubbing. We parted company without saying a word. I did see
her again some time later, but somehow it wasn't the same."
The frequency of his subway journeys and the variety of
fellow travellers means Darrin has had the opportunity to
experiment: "My first experience with a trannie ehehehe
was on the C train going to High Street. We were sitting
next to each other and as the train stopped, her handbag just
rubbed against my left forearm. It was exhilarating! ehehehe."
But these "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" relationships can
be dangerously addictive: "Once I took a morning off and
went in to work on a half empty train," says Darrin. "The
nearest person was five seats away. On top of that, she was
a trannie. If only it had been rush hour. I actually cried."
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Pretty Woman Re-Enactment Ends In Disaster
BROOKLYN--An area man who attempted to reenact events he saw in
the film 'Pretty Woman' is recovering at the Brooklyn Hospital
Center, after his 'date' went disastrously wrong.
"DarrinT68" watched 'Pretty Woman' on HBO and was intrigued by the
premise, where a wealthy businessman (Richard Gere) asks a prostitute
(Julia Roberts) to spend a week with him in return for $3,000. "I
thoroughly enjoyed the movie and thought it might be fun to try it
for real," he told reporters from his hospital bed yesterday.
After driving through Brooklyn for over two hours in search of a
Julia Roberts lookalike, DarrinT68 finally approached prostitute
Irena Ontoya, who, according to Darrin, "looks like Cher" and
asked if she would be willing to spend a week with him in
return for $1,400. Ms. Ontoya accepted the offer and accompanied
Darrin to his house.
"That's where things started to go wrong," said Darrin.
The first stage in the liaison was a trip to an expensive local
restaurant, and then it was time to hit the shops. Mirroring
Julia Roberts' Rodeo Drive shopping spree, Darrin took Ontoya to
the Kings Plaza Shopping Center, where she spent approximately
$700 on clothes and shoes in the space of four hours. But unlike
the Richard Gere character in 'Pretty Woman,'Darrin did not feel
any secret pride or self-satisfaction in helping Ontoya:
"By the time she tried on the fifth dress I was literally bored
to tears," said Darrin.
After a visit to a local wine bar, where Ontoya recognized and
chatted to several former clients, the couple moved on to the
Pips Comedy Club where they watched a performance of hypnotist
Paul McKenna's show. But far from reaching a moment of epiphany
where both Darrin and Ontoya discover a mutual understanding and
affection, the evening was apparently marred by Ontoya's decision
to bring her two year-old son Damon who, according to witnesses,
shouted and cried throughout the entire performance and urinated
on a number of other patrons.
"That was the last straw," explained Darrin. He called the deal
off and demanded the $1,400 back, at which point Ontoya called her
personal manager and legal adviser, Vincent "knuckles" Narducci.
An argument ensued and witnesses say a fight broke out which ended
with Darrin lying on the pavement outside the club with two broken
ribs, a fractured nose and severe bruising over much of his upper
body.
Police were called but Ontoya and Narducci had already fled the scene
by the time they arrived and their whereabouts are currently unknown.
Despite his experience, Darrin remains undeterred, "I love movies and
basically wish my life could be more like them. I will definitely be
trying this again," he told reporters. He now intends to repeat the
process with another of his favorite films, 'Passenger 57.'
-
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Area Man Dissatisfied With Job
After eight unfulfilling weeks at his new job, Brooklyn
resident DarrinT68 has finally had enough and readily
admits that he hates his job. The revelation came to him
after being asked to do yet another menial task at his place
of work.
"I hate this stupid job," said Darrin, a marketing assistant for
a small financial firm located in the Rockefeller Center area. "I
really can't say this enough, but I hate it."
Although the "stupid job" originally looked like a promising and
budding career move, Darrin quickly found out that all was not
quite what it seemed.
"They told me all this bullshit in the interview, that they had
this big project they wanted me to be a part of," explained the
disgruntled and thoroughly irritated employee, "and then I get
here and it's all cut and paste. It's shit work!"
The term "cut and paste" refers to a menial method by which a
computer operator highlights typewritten work, asks the computer
to copy it and then moves the highlighted text over to another
document. The computer is then asked to do the simple-minded
task of pasting it into the document.
"It's so beneath me it isn't even funny!" snapped the angry Darrin.
The overqualified employee had graduated with honors from
Princeton and worked on several successful major national
campaigns with other companies. Darrin's project management
skills were put to the test on those projects -- not like
they are now at his current job.
"Fuck," said Darrin, "My skills are going to waste here!"
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Knock, Knock Joke
Knock, knock.
Who's there? (Pause.) Damn kids. (Returns to couch.)
Knock, knock.
What the heck? (Cocks rifle, opens door.)
(Twig cracks.)
Anyone out there? Look, whoever you are,
this ain't funny. (Steps off porch into moonlit yard.
Sounds from television fade. Notices cat and puts
down gun.)
Oh, looky here. Whatcha doin' out so late, litta fella?
(Bushes rustle. Axe swings.)
NOOOOOO!
CUT TO:
Interior -
High School - Mrs. Biddle's Homeroom.
MANDY, JOHNNY, and GREG talk in
hushed tones, waiting for class to begin.
Mandy: Did you hear what happened last
night at the old Wilson place?
carrie_miaway
>
>
> Area Man Dissatisfied With Job
>
>
>
> After eight unfulfilling weeks at his new job, Brooklyn
> resident DarrinT68 has finally had enough and readily
>
> "They told me all this bullshit in the interview, that they had
> this big project they wanted me to be a part of," explained the
> disgruntled and thoroughly irritated employee, "and then I get
> here and it's all cut and paste. It's shit work!"
>
> The term "cut and paste" refers to a menial method by which a
> computer operator highlights typewritten work, asks the computer
> to copy it and then moves the highlighted text over to another
> document. The computer is then asked to do the simple-minded
> task of pasting it into the document.
>
> "It's so beneath me it isn't even funny!" snapped the angry Darrin.
>
> The overqualified employee had graduated with honors from
> Princeton and worked on several successful major national
> campaigns with other companies. Darrin's project management
> skills were put to the test on those projects -- not like
> they are now at his current job.
>
> "Fuck," said Darrin, "My skills are going to waste here!"
>
>
Cut And paste? Not our Darrin!
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Online Lesbian Relationship Ends When They Finally Meet
BROOKLYN - An online lesbian relationship ended Monday
when both parties reluctantly met face-to-face for the
first time.
DarrinT68 aka "Hot_tongue1169" and Brian "BB146D9" Baird
had been conducting an online relationship for the past
six months. Sources close to Darrin said that he began
impersonating the female "Hot_Tongue1169" in lesbian chat
rooms a year ago, and after meeting BB146D6, continued
with a "steamy" online relationship that lasted right
until their recent meeting.
Both parties had intially expressed hesitation to a
face-to-face event, but finally decided to meet at the
food court of the Kings Plaza Shopping Center.
"I was so excited hehe," explained Darrin. "I knew that
once she finally met the real Darrin, she would still love
me and accept the gender bender. I was convinced that this
was my ticket for some hot lesbo action ehehehe."
After 15 minutes of searching for his online lover, Darrin
noticed another man holding flowers and a package. Both
men waited out the hour before approaching each other.
Then there was a brief conversation which ended abruptly
upon Baird vomiting on Darrin.
Nevertheless, Darrin remained nonchalant and undeterred.
"You know what they say," Darrin said. "If at first you
don't succeed...ehehehehehe."
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
The very word "goblin"
The very word "goblin" begins at
the 247643696th binary digit of Pi
character string: goblin
30-bit binary equivalent = 001110111100010011000100101110
character string found at binary index = 247643696
binary pi: 0001100000111011110001001100010010111001100110100111111010101100
binary string: 001110111100010011000100101110
character pi: tscul.kss,_u;ppxgoblinlzozvhqzbvyssnvx
--
bobby goblin
the official sex object of alt.punk
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Help Feed The Trolls!
Every day, a troll goes hungry. These are not just
trolls in some third-world country, but right here at
home. The growth rate of trolls is alarming. In the
United States alone, the number of hungry trolls is
expanding at a rate of one troll for every five AOL cd's.
For example, take wee Darrin here. In his local chat rooms,
he doesn't even gain enough responses to fill a 3 1/4" floppy.
He has been forced to go into Yahoo! chat rooms and pose
as a woman, just to get enough food to last the night.
Sponsoring a troll is easy. For the cost of sending just one
email or usenet post, your contribution (along with others)
helps keep one troll fed for a month. If you include your
email address, you can get weekly or daily letters from your
troll. Think of what one post from you could mean to a
hungry troll.
Please. Feed a troll today.
carrie_miaway
Local Writer Can Finally Move Out
Of Mother's Basement
BROOKLYN-- Sources are now reporting as fact what has been
rumored for months. DarrinT68, 34, is indeed "moving on up"
from his mom's basement to the slightly larger, and more
upscale confines of her attic.
According to Darrin, it was finally time to prove to his mom
that he is an adult and as an adult, he could no longer share
the dank, dimly lit basement along with the dog, the
washer/dryer, an old TV, a VCR, and over a thousand porno
videos.
"Last Tuesday, he told me he needed to have a talk," Darrin's
mother said. "He said that he was becoming a man and that
he wanted more responsibilities and possibly a larger
allowance."
Darrin's mother, recalling a similar incident from a classic
Brady Bunch episode, finally agreed to let him move from the
basement into the attic, but also said she would have to begin
charging her son rent to "give him a little taste of the real
world."
At first she was hesitant because she keeps important family
heirlooms and other keepsakes stored in the attic, but after
a promise from Darrin that he would refrain from masturbating,
she finally agreed to the move on a probationary basis.
"He's a good boy and I'm glad to have him around, whichever
floor he's on. My little boy is finally growing up."
--
BFG
_______________________________
(BFG) wrote:
"BROOKLYN-- Sources are now reporting as fact what has been rumored for months.
DarrinT68, 34, is indeed "moving on up"
from his mom's basement to the slightly larger, and more upscale confines of
her attic. According to Darrin, it was finally time to prove to his mom that
he is an adult and as an adult, he could no longer share the dank, dimly lit
basement along with the dog, the washer/dryer, an old TV, a VCR, and over a
thousand porno videos...."
-----------
These few seemingly random, harmless nouns merge to form a disturbing image
when one considers the vibratory nature of the washer/dryer, the presence of
the dog, and lots and lots of porno.
I'll be requiring a stiff drink before sleeping tonight. Thanks Bob.
---------------
" 'Last Tuesday, he told me he needed to have a talk,' Darrin's mother said.
'He said that he was becoming a man...' "
------------
He *finally* saved enough for the surgery??
Marvelous!
---------
"... 'and that he wanted more responsibilities and possibibly a larger
allowance.' Darrin's mother, recalling a similar incident from a classic Brady
Bunch episode, finally agreed to let him move from the basement into the attic,
but also said she would have to begin charging her son rent to 'give him a
little taste of the real world.' "
-------------
According to his sicker posts, Darrin has already tasted FAR TOO MUCH of the
real world. And what's this rent thing gonna do to his surgery bank?? Oh,
what a dilemma!
---------------
"At first she was hesitant because she keeps important family heirlooms and
other keepsakes stored in the attic, but after a promise from Darrin that he
would refrain from masturbating,..."
-------------
"Okay Darrin, but no spooging on Grandmother's china or your macaroni hat from
second grade."
-----------------
"...she finally agreed to the move on a probationary basis. 'He's a good boy
and I'm glad to have him around, whichever
floor he's on. My little boy is finally growing up.' "
--------------
<sniffle>
-Katarina
Good show, Bob. <sniffle>
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
You People Say Psycho
like it's a bad thing.
--
carrie_miaway
Subject: "PUSH"
all weekend long I kept seeing these signs on
doors saying, "PUSH". imagine my disappointment
when I finally realized that these were NOT subliminal
commands to the populous at large to start peddling
drugs. sometimes life just sucks.
mike h
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: No Baseball Strike
Polls show that most fans prefer
coverage of pre-strike intrigue to
dull, predictable pennant race.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: so, which of you new yorkers
this just in from Associated Press:
You Did Not Win The Lottery
YOUR LIVING ROOM (AP) - Despite wagering an entire
day's wages on tickets, once again you did not win the
lottery and will now have to get up and go to fucking work
tomorrow. Sources indicate that you matched only three of
the six numbers on any one of your tickets, which, though
statistically reasonable, you can't fucking believe it. All
reports confirm that you are sure some 80-year-old foreign
woman won the whole fucking thing, and that the old bat
won't know the first thing about what to do with all that
fucking money.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: am so goddamn sick of SeptemBORE
~
>Personally I'm a bit confused by all the talk about 9/11. What's so great
>about the 9th of November?
>
>
>Hong "the dates are upside down in Austria, didn't you know?" Ooi
>--
>Hong Ooi | "I think it is time I started
>hong...@maths.anu.edu.au | getting some decent sleep."
>http://www.zipworld.com.au/~hong/dnd/ | -- CMB
>Sydney, Australia
Just imagine if the 911 attacks had
actually occured on the 11th of July.
--
BFG
>^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^< >^,,^<
Subject: Re: Pyramids Live
>
>It's on FOX right now... Has no one told them that THEY DON'T LIKE US
>THERE?! I could care less if they find anything in the tomb.
>
> -DeanDTSM
>www.deandeanandtheSEXmachines.com
>
An excerpt from an Associated Press article:
CAIRO, EGYPT(AP)--Earlier this year, Egyptologists
discovered a small shaft near the rear of the Great
Pyramid of Giza that, amazingly enough, was
completely blocked. When it became clear that several
centuries had gone by since anything had passed through
the shaft, scientists decided to call for medical assistance.
Physicians were shocked to discover that, due to its
advanced age and weight, the monument belongs to the
highest risk categories for a number of diseases.
Sensing the urgency of the situation, doctors immediately
prescribed a thorough robot-aided Colonoscopy- to be
broadcast on live TV. Originally bound for PBS or The
Learning Channel, the project eventually landed on the
network best known for routinely airing rectal content:
Fox Television.