I need a Sig!
-=PokéPropheT=-
I need a signature. Does anyone have an idea? I'd appreciate!
PokéPropheT
--
Still need a signature.
jeroen jolles
Mijn idee is jouw naam heel snel schrijven,zodat het onleesbaar is en dan
scannen,
mzzl Jer0
-=PokéPropheT=- heeft geschreven in bericht
<386F9CBD...@cable.A2000.nl>...
-=PokéPropheT=-
Nou, ik denk dat het dan een beetje te groot wordt, maar toch bedankt!
PokéPropheT
jeroen jolles schreef:
Steve Brunton
"2nd best pokemon master!"
or "Hollands poke-pride"
-=PokéPropheT=- <G.F...@cable.A2000.nl> wrote in message
news:386F9CBD...@cable.A2000.nl...
-=PokéPropheT=-
anyway.
PokéPropheT
--
Still no sig
Steve Brunton schreef:
wessand7
>
>Nou, ik denk dat het dan een beetje te groot wordt, maar toch bedankt!
>
>PokéPropheT
Uh, PokéPropheT??? Are you all right? If that's another language, could you
please translate?
-Wessand7
the Pokenut that responds to anything that he can
-=PokéPropheT=-
Yo Jeroen (a real Dutch name)
Well, I think it will be a little too big, but thanks anyway!
PokéPropheT
And Jeroen wrote:
Hi Proph,
My idea is to write down your name real fast, so you can't read it anymore and
then scan it,
later dude,
Jer0
That's all volks,
PokéPropheT
P.S.: I feel alright, thanks.
wessand7 schreef:
wessand7
What's too big? My idea I sent via e-mail? Or the translation? And if the
idea is too big, that's why I sent you that sig.clp file. No typing, just
clicking!
Steve Brunton
thats how i know!
--
Steve Brunton, Sunderlands resident pokemon master ;)
wessand7 <wess...@gte.net> wrote in message
news:68Ob4.2716$W41....@dfiatx1-snr1.gtei.net...
> >Hé Jeroen!
> >
> >Nou, ik denk dat het dan een beetje te groot wordt, maar toch bedankt!
> >
> >PokéPropheT
>
> Uh, PokéPropheT??? Are you all right? If that's another language, could
you
> please translate?
>
-=PokéPropheT=-
big, if I used his "scanned sig". Not your idea, that was great!
PokéPropheT
wessand7 schreef:
> >Well, I think it will be a little too big, but thanks anyway!
>
> What's too big? My idea I sent via e-mail? Or the translation? And if the
> idea is too big, that's why I sent you that sig.clp file. No typing, just
> clicking!
>
wessand7
Master Magikarp-X
anymore) but all that I did on it was put links to some of the cool stuff on
my site. My even older one was, whenever I thought of a cool joke, I wrote
it down in it. Of course, it got way too fat and it would truncate every
time I wrote it. Well, my next idea is the chorus to Give A Reason For Life,
and even after that, perhaps the entire first scene to Mewtwo Strikes Back.
Where am I? Who am I? I dream continously in this world without memories.
Who are you? Come back! I cannot forget the world behind that door.
That's all I've memorized so far (in order.) I think I'll toss a scene in
for flavor. Enjoy. It's not my favorite, but I like this translation anyway.
----------
Mewtwo: Why do I live?
(Giovanni walks in)
Giovanni: You are a Pocket Monster. A Pocket Monster is for the humans to
use. And you live for humans.
Mewtwo: You mean I'm fighting for you? You mean I'm fighting for human
beings?
Giovanni: You are a Pocket Monster created by human beings. Do you have any
other reasons to exist?
Mewtwo: My reason of existence... Who am I, exactly? Why do I live?
(Mewtwo breaks out of his chains)
Giovanni: What are you doing?
Mewtwo: I'm created by humans. Even humans... I want to let them know that
Pocket Monsters that they created is not just a Pocket Monster.
(Mewtwo destroys the Rocket building and flies off)
-=PokéPropheT=-
PokéPropheT
--
Still doubting what sig I should use
wessand7 schreef:
Steve Brunton
--
Steve Brunton, Sunderlands resident pokemon master ;)
-=PokéPropheT=-
PokéPropheT
Steve Brunton schreef:
Steve Brunton
--
Steve Brunton, Sunderlands resident pokemon master ;)
-=PokéPropheT=- <G.F...@cable.A2000.nl> wrote in message
-=PokéPropheT=-
What do you think of this sig: good or bad?
PokéPropheT
--
If you'll attack me, you'll get a Pokéjihad.
Well? Suggestions? Comments?
Steve Brunton
--
Steve Brunton, Sunderlands resident pokemon master ;)
-=PokéPropheT=- <G.F...@cable.A2000.nl> wrote in message
MC Woodsmoke
<386F9CBD...@cable.A2000.nl>:
>Yo guys!
>
>I need a signature. Does anyone have an idea? I'd appreciate!
>
>PokéPropheT
>--
>Still need a signature.
>
>
Used to be this huge file of sigs maintained over on the comics group
this is just some of it
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."
"I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather...not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car..."
"Tow-ers will be violated."
"Montana --- at least our cows are sane!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let friends drive naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal!"
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and they will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion."
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
Deep Thoughts Contest
-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
" Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTIONS :
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat your bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course,then we would have a
lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long holiday.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or " Isn't
it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them
right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
cloths on the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he can't
really sing.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite Uncle: " A Truck!"
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words " dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmm." Unless it was
just the lawn mower.
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and i show him a
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"'Say, Ralph, what do you think of those Cardinals?'
'I think they're terrific, Jim. I love the way they use black smoke to
signal
that they haven't picked a Pope and...'
'No, Ralph, no.'--Ralph Dibny
"'They killed his father. Now he's fighting back. When the law is not
enough,
it's time to call Hamlet.'"--promo for Cowboy Wally's Hamlet: The Movie
"'They took out the SQUID?' I said. 'The squid is GONE?'
It turned out that everybody else knew this, including probably the Live
Studio Audience. So we had to do that part again, with my brain feverishly
repeating 'No squid! Smaller yuppies!' (This would be a good slogan for a
restaurant.)"--Dave Barry
"'You can run,' shouted Scotland Yard's Inspector Boothroyd in triumph
as he clutched the last remaining bottle of noxious potion and watched
Dr. Jekyll leap to freedom through the shattered window, 'but you
can't Hyde.'"--R.L. Bryant, 1992 Bulwer-Lytton
"*Always* get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power."--
MST3K
"*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for
each asterisk."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
".signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud."--HappyNet rule infraction and punishment per Kibo
"/EARTH is 98% full.
Please delete anybody you can."--Fortunes file
"1) When people call him "The Batman"- it's just "Batman", damn it!"
--David Letterman's Top 10 Batman's Peeves
"1. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can
talk"."
--Family Stress Test by Terry Morris
"1.Spider-Man has reflexes much faster than any human. Jesus is supposed to
be a god, yes, but he's also, more importantly, a man. And Spider-Man is
faster than a lot of gods, anyway, as shown by his defeat of Firelord and
Thanos. Spider-Man could react really quickly to anything Jesus would like
to do."--why Spider-Man could beat Jesus, by David Henry
"10. Just try it once, that's all we ask.
9. The quicker putter-downer.
8. Isn't is about time you took an honest look at your miserable, stinking
life?
5. Claus Von Bulow says: 'I like it so much, I bought the company.'
3. Dammit, it's time you did something for you!
2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes--it's free.
1. We're *not* the Heartbeat of America."
--David Letterman Top Ten list of slogans to promote Kevorkian's Suicide
Machine
"2) The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard
can summon him at night."--David Letterman's Top 10 Batman's Peeves
"2. Spider-Man has his spider-sense, which will allow him the ability to
react to Jesus before Jesus can even throw a punch! This, combined with his
speed, makes Spider-Man easily capable of beating Jesus."--why Spider-Man
could beat Jesus, by David Henry
"23. Goodwill Industries is melting the elastics in my socks with laser
beams so I'll donate them."--"New Improved Delusions"
"3. Based on your knowledge of RNA and DNA, create human life. Then, clone
40 sets of identical twins and conduct a behavioural genetics experiment
that puts the nature vs. nurture question to rest, once and for all."
-- from "A Comprehensive Exam for Students in Introductory Psychology"
"3. Spider-Man's web-shooters. I'd like to see Jesus multiply fish by magic
when he's trying to concentrate with a big glob of webbing in his face!
Especially when Spider-Man starts whipping him around with his super-
strength, I don't think Jesus will be able to do much about that."--why
Spider-Man could beat Jesus, by David Henry
"3.The cat is on Valium."--Family Stress Test by Terry Morris
"30 days have September, April, June and November. Except on Usenet, where
September has 365.--Jeffrey McKeough
"39. I was not born in the usual way; I was created by Disney Studios."
--"New Improved Delusions"
"44. I can't concentrate because Big Bird keeps singing to me about the
number `4'."--"New Improved Delusions"
"45. The reason I sound uneducated is that William F. Buckley, Jr. is
stealing
the larger words from my vocabulary."--"New Improved Delusions"
"5.You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf."--Family
Stress Test by Terry Morris
"6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics. 1.
Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures." --Top Ten
Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize
"A cult-- a closed group of people (typically with an inner circle) run by
some maniacal smarter-than-average guy who commands total devotion from his
followers despite his oppressive policies. Getting in is hard and leaving
is
even harder. My God! I've fallen in with a College Cult!!! And I just
thought I was going to grad. school!"--David Iverson
"A death touch. Can you believe it? All those mystery men that could lift
trucks off fly and I had to get a death touch. The one thing I always
wanted
was to be able to fly. Maybe if I'd just found a different meteor."
--The Red Mask
"A friend who went to Harvard explains that they have mnemonic cuisine,
e.g.,
they serve something that reminds you of lasagna."--John Levine
"A good USENET motto would be:
a. "Together, a strong community."
b. "Computers R Us."
c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just fuck around for a while on
company time.""--- Anon.
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging
their prejudices."--William James
"A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift...It says you care
enough to invest your time and skill in it...It says this is a personal
gift, not a generic one...It says you need a bigger allowance."--Calvin
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. `You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill you too.'"
-- Jake Johansen
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."--Sledge Hammer
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are."
-- Victor Lownes
"A recent Bogus, Charlatan, and Lys opinion poll states that 93% of adults
believe the Bill of Rights would be 'way different' if the framers of our
Constitution had known how awful hard rock would sound. 81% of those polled
said that devil-worshipping tendencies have a negative impact on school
work. Only 7% said it might have a positivie effect on grades."--A Nation
of Snitches.
"A squared b prime x plus y
upsilon omnicron eta theta pi
Comptemplate Cerebrate Cogitate too
Double Dome Double Dome We Love You
Felicitations Felicitations Felicitations" --Bullwinkle
--School cheer at the Double-Domed Institute for Advanced Thinking
"A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years."--Harry Truman
"A studio audience! Morons who should be at work or in school sitting in
bleachers obeying signs to laugh or clap like Pavlov's dumb dogs!"
--Milk & Cheese
"A technical question: Is a song 'Greensleeves-complete' if it can be sung
to
the tune of Greensleeves? Or must it also be possible to sing Greensleeves
to
*its* tune?" --Dani Zweig
"According to the official U.S. government census figures, there are now
more
super-heroes living in New York City than ordinary people. 76% of the
population are People of Power, 14% are non-powered individuals, and the
remaining 10% aren't sure if they are human being or invaders from planets
with
unpronouncable names."--National-DC Comiquirer
"Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for doing Cerebus is to give
wives
and girlfriends of comics fans at least one comic book they can read."
-- Dave Sim
"Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was supposed to
be
Taco Bell, but it was called off the Soviet officials heard the Taco Bell
slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'"-- Jay Leno
"Actually, the alignment of the US is probably Lawful Stupid...."
--Bob Slaughter
"Admit it. You think I got dumped. You think I'm a lovesick wimp."
"No, I don't. I think you're a liar. Really."
"Really? You don't think I'm a wimp?"
"No, I think you're lying scum. Honest."
"That's nice of you to say."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of Blood
"After weeks of mounting tension, $1 million at stake and the world chess
championship on the line, Gary Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off
all
his clothes, and yelled `Yahtzee!'"-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
"After years of painstaking research, reading thousands of books, looking
at
countless fossils, and playing with dozens of plastic toy dinosaurs which I
purchased at the five and dime on the corner, I have come to the conclusion
that the dinosaurs died from an especially virulent infection of
influenza...."
--Richard "Dinosaur Dick" Allen
"Ah! I'll get a hold of that flagpole and jump to safety!"
<*SNAP*>
"Ah! I'll bounce off that broad flat surface and be in a lot of pain!!!"
--The Tick
"Alaska is almost completely covered with nature, including several million
spectacular snow-capped mountains, any one of which is so awesome that if
you
were to relocate it to an average semiflat state such as Indiana, the
residents
would all quit their jobs and form cults and worship it."--Dave Barry
"All that's left for me now is to figure out a way into Tom Galloway's
rotating
sigfile of doom, assuming there's any room left in there after Tom's
excerpted
every Dave Barry piece known to man." --David Henry
"All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!"--Monty Python
"Also, Mon-El can do pre-Byrne stunts like toss around stars, travel
through
time, and generally defy physics even more than your usual comic character"
--Laura Burchard
"Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekeland
of
Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the modern miracle
substance
was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats,
dentures
and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they
were
made by other flamingos." --William E. Geist, The New York Times
"An MIT study predicts the median age of Internet users will drop from 26
to
15 within the next five years... and 85% of internet users will not notice
the
difference."-- Matt Crawford
"And David did see Bathsheba bathing and did exclaim 'Yum!'"
...
"And Jesus did say 'I....hurt.'"
-- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg
"And I really don't harbor much animosity toward comics people. It's not
like they were Trekkies or something."--Bill Higgins
"And hey! Don't forget to enter this month's Al Space essay contest! In
1000
words or less, give a believable account of Al Space's whereabouts on the
eve
of September 15! Remember to mention that I wasn't anywhere near
Wisconsin!"
--Al Space in Cowboy Wally
"And it's oh boys, can't you code it
UNNNNHH!
Program it right
Nothing ever happens in this life of mine
I'm hauling out the data on the Xerox line" -Stan Rogers, White Collar
Hollar
"And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a
counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor."
--Carl Rigney
"And the most concern was generated by the breakup of Czechoslovakia.
Since,
of course, it's so much trouble to get separate Czechs."--Capitol Steps
"And then they turned us into goofy cartoon characters with their ray
guns!"
"Oh, how horrible!"
"And my hopes of becoming a TV weatherman are surely dashed!"
"Well, there's always radio and at least maybe you can get a handicapped
parking sticker!"--Flaming Carrot
"And there ought to be something about computers and artificial
intelligence.
Surely somebody somewhere said something memorable."--Justin Kaplan,
compiler
of the next edition of Bartlett's Quotations
"And this is just *one* new emerging-growth career field. Others include:
Drug
Overlord; Computer Geek; Televised Christian; Person Who Sells Staples to
the
Defense Department for What It Cost to Liberate France; Vigilante; and Pip,
whose job is to stand behind Gladys Knight and go "whooo whooo" at certain
points during the song, "Midnight Train to Georgia.""--Dave Barry
"And what if I said I wasn't going? That this is stupid? That General
Custer
had a better chance of survival?"
"You're a brave man, Captain--and a valued member of this team. That's why
I
don't think you would say those things"
"Well, you're right, of course..."--JLI
"And while the story was 14 pages long, only two of them showed Supergirl
in
action. I like a good battle as much as anyone, but having twelve pages for
characterization was better than any fight could be. I like to see what
Linda's thoughts are and how she reacts to different situations."
--Todd McFarlane, Superman Family #213 letter column (Dec. 1981)
"And, after all, it is the 200th anniversary of the presidency. That's
something to celebrate. From George to George-- in only 200 years, we've
gone
from 'I cannot tell a lie' to 'I cannot tell'."--A. Whitney Brown
"And, let's face it, parts of The Bible are terribly boring--all that
dreary
business of who begat whom, it reads like the Israelite telephone
directory--and there's hardly a joke in it."--God, the Ultimate
Autobiography
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get
Ahead
by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business
product: a really sharp-looking report."--Dave Barry
"Another excellent speaker is Ronald Reagan, who can present almost any
idiot
notion in such a way as to make you think he sincerely believes it. 'He
sincerely believes that idiot notion,' you think, and you respect him all
the
more for it."--Dave Barry
"Any idea what he plans to do when he gets the ship running?"
"He says he's either gonna rob a bank, kill Superman, or take over the
world.
We get to vote on it later.
"Oh, for joy...!"--Cluemaster and Clock King
"Any last requests?"
"Yes, do you know `Heartbreak Hotel'?"--Ninja High School
"Any opposing views may simply go to hell."--Fortunes Program
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo."
--Andy Finkel
"Anybody who uses E-mail probably has three times more opinions per head
than
people who don't."--Scott Adams
"Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in
jeopardy."
--John Dewey
"Appropriate themes for little girls include: The Smurfs; Strawberry
Shortcake;
The Snorks; Rainbow Brite; The Care Bears; The Concern Pigs; The Dweebs;
Wee
Whiny Winky; Bingo the Leech; The Pustule People; and The Smarm Worms."
--Dave Barry
"April 14-- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary
could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll
her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is
confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"April 20-- In another setback for NASA, a planned launch of the space
shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last second when a problem develops
with
the Last-Second Launch Aborter (LSLA)."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"April 24--California is gripped by panic because of a video about the
uncannily accurate prophecies of the 16-Century soothsayer Nostradamus,
who predicted that in May of 1988, the West Coast would be rocked by 'an
outbreak of cretinism.'"--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"April 28-- True Item: Officials in Tacoma, Wash., discover that 18-year-
old
Frank Daltron, scheduled for induction into the Tacoma Youth Hall of Fame,
is
awaiting retrial on charges of first-degree murder after having admitted
that
he killed his mother with an ax. The Youth Hall of Fame motto is "Ordinary
Youth Doing Extraordinary Things.""--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV."--Leader Kibo
Happynet Rules
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the
ones in movies"--Bill Bulko
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I
thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life- so I became a scientist.
This
is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." --M. Cartmill
"As curious natives gather to look at these signs and scratch their heads
("Gephardt?"), a rental jet will land nearby and a candidate will emerge to
show his deep personal concern for the residents of whatever the hell
state it is."--Dave Barry
"As expected, Moore's contract requires him to enroll in a writer's course
for
improving dialogue skills, an often commented-on weakness in Moore's work.
As
of press time, Mr. Moore had not yet decided between a six-month intensive
course from Chris Claremont, or a weekend seminar offered by John Byrne."
--Larry Mellon
"As he followed the tunnel, the walls became more cavernlike and less
public-workslike. Bas relief scupltures lined the walls..."The Seven
Deadly
Breaches of Netiquette." Flaming. Cascades. Gratuitous Crossposting. Not
Trimming Included Articles. Me Too. Trolling. And the most hideous of
all
the sculptures...MAKE.MONEY.FAST."--Dave Van Domelen
"As long as people kept worrying that the machines were taking over, they
wouldn't notice what was really happenning. Which was that the programmers
were taking over." --RAW, The Homing Pigeons
"As long as the unread stack stays at under 100 books it can't be
considered
stockpiling."--Miriam Nadel
"As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds,
Roger
stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that
filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that had
mocked
him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the office with one last
look
back at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon
armadillo
left to rot on the information highway."--Larry Brill winner '94 Bulwer-
Lytton
"As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in
her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling
like a temperamental souffle, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the
sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, "I don't know what to make of
her."" --Laurel Fortuner, winner 1992 Bulwer-Lytton
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."--Ralph Noble
"As you know, if you ever studied the famous Greek philosopher Aristotle,
he
was easily the most boring human being who ever lived. Thousands of
college
students suffer forehead damage every year from passing out face-forward
while
attempting to read his books."--Dave Barry
"Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is like asking a butcher
'exactly what DO you put in this sausage'?"-- Roy Blount Jr.
"Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all
of Craig's mail."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
"Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways."
--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
"At first we called him 'Chirpy'...then it was 'Wheezy'...then
'Sleepy'...then
'Smelly'...and now for the longest time it's been 'Bones'"---Mister Boffo
"At this point, Tonstant Weader fwew up."--Dorothy Parker
"August 2-- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save
time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously."--Dave
Barry 1992 Year in Review
"August 20 -- The troubled General Motors Corp. announces that, in an
effort
to cut costs, it will stop making cars." --Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"August 20 At the Republican Convention, it's Traditional Family Values
night,
as delegates burn a suspected witch."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"August 25--Fundamentalist religious groups announce the beginning of a
massive nationwide publicity buildup for an obscure and mostly boring
film, The Last Temptation of Christ."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"August 31--"The Last Temptation of Christ" is a box-office smash thanks to
the tireless publicity efforts of concerned fundamentalist groups, who
announce that they will now focus their efforts on pornography."--Dave
Barry's
1988 Year in Review
"August 7--In the historic first game at Chicago's venerable Wrigley Field
since the installation of laser lights, Philadelphia Phillie Juan Samuel
is vaporized while attempting to steal home. "Wind shear" is blamed."
--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"Axiom #2: "Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of
sanity,
intelligence, or common sense."
Corollary #3: "An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of
keyboards
could produce something like Usenet."
Corollary #4: "They could do a better job of it."" --Gene Spafford
"BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Fire the tachyon guns!'"--David Danzig
"BENEFIT NO. 3 [of owning a Nintendo]: When a child is playing Nintendo,
the
child can't watch regular television."--Dave Barry
"BEST TRAUMATIC PRESENTATION: __ Rob Lowe in Young Love __ Oliver North in
And Justice Forestall __ Ayatollah Khomeini in Little Bookshop of Horror
__ Exxon Productions' Oil Quiet on the Western Front __ U.S. Senate Films'
Making Mr. Wright __ John Tower in The Best Defense"--1989 Hogu Ballot
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
pisses
me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?
You
haven't worked a day in your life!""--Steven Wright
"Back off, man! I'm a scientist!"--Ghostbusters
"Bad cop. No donut! Bad cop. No donut!"--Portland protest chant
"Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and
danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here
Again'."
--Blackadder
"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and
deep
psychological trauma."--Chris Jarocha-Ernst
"Besides that, they redesigned all the McDonaldland characters to resemble
cutesy muppets a few years back and eighty-sixed Mayor McCheese and Big Mac
the cop, who I happened to really like. So fuck 'em."--Evan Dorkin
"Besides, my first "real" book wasn't LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA, either,
but
that doesn't mean I should be satisfied reading CURIOUS GEORGE at the age
of 35
just because I enjoyed it when I was five."--Jayembee
"Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be. I have some weird
degenerate
gum disease. It turns out even the Undead have to floss."--Dracula
"Best Place to Find Parking: Nowhere.
Thirteen places got votes, but we're not telling you where they are."
-- "Best of Ann Arbor" Poll Results, _Michigan Daily_
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out
when you're coming home his face might burn up."--Jack Handey
"Big Dog! Big Dog! Bow Wow Wow! We'll Crush Evil...Now, Now, Now!"-- Space
Canine Patrol Agents team cheer
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."-- Oscar Wilde
"Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."--Woody Allen
"Boy, romance just ain't what it used to be, is it? Used to be just a
dinner
and a movie; now you have to die, threaten downstate New York, and survive
a lobotomy. Safe sex for superheroes goes far beyond condoms."--David Henry
"Brenda Malthwit: attorney at law, young, attractive, well educated, and
full
of self-confidence; a woman who, as swiftly as her lascivious male co-
workers
undressed her with their eyes, would mentally fold the clothes neatly and
put
them in a pile."--Rick Vetter 1993 Bulwer-Lytton dishonorable mention
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."-- Dorothy Parker
"Brought to you by Ace Map Cleaners. 'We're sweeping the nation.'"--Cowboy
Wally
"Brought to you by Stoopnagle's Goosedown Toothbrushes. 'A feather in your
cap'."--Cowboy Wally
"Brought to you by Vito's Olive Oil and Vito's Waterproof Mattresses. 'Buy
the
olive oil or sleep with the fishes.'"--Cowboy Wally
"But I'm only 31, I grew up assuming women were our equals. I can't imagine
thinking I'm better suited to hack C code because of my penis--- frankly, I
rarely use my penis at all while I'm working."--Dave Eisen
"But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of
humor
and become robots!"
"Really? What kind of robots?"--Lisa and Bart Simpson
"But don't you see? Don't you understand what you're doing?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm destroying Shakespeare's snob appeal."
"You *fiend*."--Lenny and Cowboy Wally
"But how can you stand being married to that...human watchworks?"
"Oh, he has a certain je ne seiko!"
--Richard "This is what they teach at Harvard?" Howell
"But the idea with natural childbirth is to try to avoid giving the woman a
lot
of drugs, so she can share the first intimate moments after birth with the
baby
and father and the obstetrician and the pediatrician and several nurses and
the
person who cleans up the delivery room."--Dave Barry
"But this summit is still very historic, because it has taken place at a
time
when the Soviet Union is undergoing a major upheaval, or as the Russians
say,
yatznakov (literally, "heaving up"), thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev's new twin
policies of glasnost ("tastes great") and perestroika ("less filling")."--
Dave
Barry
"But what the strong dollar means for you, the average American, is that if
you
go to Europe, you can buy anything you want--a sweater, a luxury
automobile,
a crown jewel, Belgium--for $6."--Dave Barry
"By 1926, when librarians surveyed young readers' tastes, they found to
their
disgust that Tom Swift was on 98 percent of their students' reading lists."
-- Smithsonian magazine (and this not being true today is a symptom of the
decline of the USA)
"By the way, there was a Legion of Super-Pets"
"But it isn't a nominee because:
1) It would be redundent.
2) It was only an auxiliary of the Legion of Superheroes
3) DC admitted its existence in Who's Who, and
4) There are a lot of humorless Legion fans out there, and some of them
probably have guns."--World's Worst Comics Awards
"CHAPTER TWO
'Ohhhhhhh,' she cried out. 'OOOHMIGOD.'
'I'm sorry," I said, "but that's my standard hourly fee.'"
--Dave Barry's legal thriller
"COWBOY WALLY BEER: Real beer. Manly beer. Ripsnortin' pukearama. Dammit."
"Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
Webster's Ninth."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
"Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food."
--The Cook's Dictionary
"Calvin and Hobbes requires a great deal of research and I need to do more
interplanetary exploration and paleontology work before I can continue." --
Bill
Watterson
"Calvin the zombie seraches for food. Horribly the undead feed upon the
living.
...Although in a pinch, a pbj will do, if you eat it messily enough."--
Calvin
"Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?"
"No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain
Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty."
"See me after class, Calvin."
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
"Can I spit out the window, Sam?"
"No way Max--We're about a hundred and forty seven million feet above sea
level--You'd be sucked into the screaming void of space."--Sam and Max
"Can't... do... plaid! *THUD*" --The Caped Chameleon
"Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination
of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
the
same can be said of dirt."--The Chocolate Book
"Cheese doodle?"
"Do you have any idea what's in these things?"
"Sure: they're cheese with doodle flavoring."--Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR
"Chester used to be vice-president of Warner Brothers, but now he's the
janitor
here at Cowboy Wally Enterprises. We kid him about it. Chester says that
there's just as much dignity in being a janitor as there is in being
vice-president of Warner Brothers."--Cowboy Wally
"Children who have proof that their parents DO look good in skintight
leather
and rubber outfits probably have other problems which keep them from
fantasizing about such mundane things as superheros."--Kevin Maguire
"Christmasochism: "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!"
-- Ranjit Bhatnagar
"Chuck was impressed to see the latest hardware rolling his way--the
computer
aided RAC 3000, Ultraflame Model.....'What does RAC stand for?' he asked."
"Really Awesome Car."
"'Oh.' He shrugged. Obviously a name developed by people in marketing."
--Chuck Simon and RAC
"Colleges should teach sex education, after all, when it comes to screwing
people they're the best."-- Patrick J. Murphy
"Come on, characters with super-strength don't *do* inertia! Or leverage."
--Dani Zweig
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million
typewriters ... and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare..."--Blair Houghton
"Comics will always be junky adolescent male crap, end of story. I mean,
that's what movies are, it's just that people take "real" (filmed) violence
and gratuitous tit shots seriously, whereas in a comic it looks puerile and
pathetic. Which is true, but Hollywood equals big money and glamour and
casting couch sessions, whereas comics success invites long lines of pimply
geeks with comics for autographing."--Evan Dorkin
"Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which
scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large
mistake.
Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their
federal programs as if they were merely poor people."-- Dave Barry
"Consider the following: You never actually see Santa, only his
"assistants".
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. Santa doesn't really do the
work-- he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's
the
one who everybody credits with the work. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a
40
hour week. Santa travels a lot. Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty
member with tenure!"--unknown
"Considering some of the jerks we went up against, sometimes I wished he'd
called himself the 'Green .44 Magnum'.--Speedy
"Considering the flames and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be spelled
ABUSENET?"--- Michael Meissner
"Control."
"Yes... Control."
"Control is our friend, Robin."
"Yeah... like broccoli."--Open Season #6
"Corn- Your corn should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. If it
isn't, you could be fined or jailed."--Dave Barry
"Could we start a new group that is a "flame weather map" showing where
flames
are starting and to which newsgroups they are travelling? "An anti-
StarTrek
flame war has ignited in r.a.c, and is expected to reach r.a.sf by
midnight.
Any of you with valuable conversations in these groups should be advised to
take them to shelter.""--Kieran Mullen
"Couple more years, couple more million, and I'll have his butt replaced
by a robot."--Viper
"Croquet: so much fun, it takes 8 people to have it!!"--Pooh
"DEATH TO MEDDLING TECHNOCRATS!"--Bellows
"DISCLAIMER: this message is closed-smileyed for the humor impaired.
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)"
--Christopher Davis
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us died of tuberculosis."--Jack Handey
"Dan Quayle has decided to return to his former job with his family's
newspaper. When asked for comment, Quayle said 'I just hope I can remember
the route'"--Capitol Steps
"Dan Quayle would be played by Pat Sajak"--David Zucker
"David Duke has decided to run for President in 1996 with Oliver North
as his running mate. They'll running as the Ku Klux Klan and Ollie ticket"
--Capitol Steps
"Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they counted the years backwards,
did
they count the months and days backwards, too?"
"Your ignorance appalls me."--Dr. Science
"December 2-- The space shuttle Endeavour blasts off on a historic mission
to
repair the crippled Hubble Orbiting Space Punch Line."--Dave Barry 1993
Year
in Review
"December 27-- The Senate votes to give Texas back to Mexico. There is
surprisingly little public opposition to this."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in
Review
"December 31--In a touching New Year's Eve gesture, George Bush televises a
special "Good Luck" message to Orbiting Top Secret Payload Czar "Dan"
Quayle.
As the broadcast ends, Bush starts to feel chest pains. It's probably
nothing.
Don't even think about it."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"December 6-- An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of Americans do
not
speak English, and the vast majority of them write computer manuals."
--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"December 8-- Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times,
approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring
congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including courses
on
Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not Writing Checks
For
More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A Postage Stamp And
Attach
It To An Envelope."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"Decent ice cream is almost unobtainable in Britain. On the other hand,
America has inexplicably failed to discover the chocolate-covered digestive
biscuit-- possibly the greatest single foodstuff ever invented."-- Michael
Kinsley (I'll agree with both parts)
"Definition of STRESS: That confusion created when one's mind overrides the
body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately
needs it!" --Fortunes program
"Definition of the Net: A Darwinian anarchy favoring the strong and
thick-skinned with infinite time on their hands." -- Joe Pollock
"Desaad: Master, I have found it! Doom plus Magic plus IRC plus netnews
plus MUDding!"
"Darkseid: You cringing fool! That is *not* the Anti-Life Formula, it is
the No-Life Formula!"--Dave Van Domelen
"Did alien comic book writers really visit ancient cultures and teach them
how to sneak over the fourth wall? (See Captain Mayan #fish-eagle-dot-dot)"
-- Lance Smith
"Did he just swear on *my* life?"
"I think so."
"Can he do that?" --JLI
"Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!?"
"Oh, no! Stupendous Man's stupendous powers are no match against his
adversary!
Stupendous Man is vanquished!...This would have been plenty humiliating
*without* the goodnight kiss."--Mom and Calvin
"Didn't you ever want to reach into your chest, rip out your liver, and
slap someone across the face with it?"--gypsy
"Different squids for different kids"-- jayembee
"Disturbing news about the afterlife: 'Bring marshmallows'"--Mister Boffo
"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball." -- Saturday Night Live
"Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?"
"Nah."
"Oh, *I* do."
"Really? How come?"
"Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions."
--Calvin and Hobbes
"Do you ever make faces at blind people?" #111 The Book of Stupid
Questions,
Tom Weller
"Do you have a favorite toe?" #99 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"Do you juggle?" "No."
"Blow balloons?" "No."
"Synthesize nerve gas?" "No."
"Not much of a clown, then, are you?!"--Joker and Pagliaccio
"Do you think there's a God?"
"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"--Hobbes and Calvin
"Doctor Bruce Banner was accidentally exposed to the radiations of the
incredible Gamma Bomb. The radiation... KILLED HIM, of course! What do
you
_think_ they make bombs to do, anyway?"--Paul Estin
"Does Barbie come with Ken?"
"Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."--anonymous
"Dogs come when they're called.
Cats have answering machines and may get back to you."--Phil Musiak
"Don't *you* ever remember comics which you are not in?"
-- Kitty Pryde to Jerry Boyijian
"Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab. Don't TASTE anything in a
chemistry
lab. Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab. Don't TOUCH anything in a
medical
lab. and, most importantly, Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy
department."--tvaughn
"Don't bother. Just tell me-- after hearing that story-- are you going to
laugh WITH me or AT me?"
"AT."
"Figured as much."--The Terror and The Critic, from SHE-HULK
"Don't call me white ... I'm a European-American!"--Todd Day
"Don't try this at home, kids. This should be done only by trained,
professional idiots."-- Plucky Duck
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats."--Howard Aiken
"Driven insane by years of datelessness, Mister Elmo prowlss the back
streets
of USENET, incessantly whining, with spittle, about trivial
inconsistencies."
--Greg Morrow
"EATING LOBSTER IN A FORMAL SETTING: First you snap off the antennae and
say:
'Would anybody care for my antennae? How about an eye stalk?' Then you
take
the rest of the lobster apart and make general conversation about what you
find
inside. ('What's this? It looks like mucus!')"--Dave Barry
"Eat him?? I couldn't do that!"
"Sure you could! What's wrong with that?!"
"Fat kids are high in cholesteral."
"Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!"--Hobbes and
Calvin
"Eating at White Castle is just like drinking-- you pile into a car, drive
a
distance, indulge too much, and get sick. Then the next morning in the can
you
swear to yourself you'll never do that again, and then you're off to
fucking
White Castle a few days later. Men are stupid and weak, and White Castle
knows
this. I tell you this because I KNOW."--Evan Dorkin
"Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest
human
mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit
grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and
will
decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who
have
been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its
slaves;
as for those who slight Emacs..." --Andrew Bulhak
"Even Tyg's mighty frame could scarcely stand the weight of the thousands
of
rulebooks he carried on his shoulders, as he intoned, "Get a life.""
--In The Hall of the Net.Gods by Karen Williams
"Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was
essentially
CB radio, but with more typing."--Dave Barry
"Ever since you fired me, and destroyed my life, I've been waiting,
planning,
figuring out a way to get back at you."
"It took you twelve years to think of buying a gun."--Cowboy Wally
"Every Saturday, when the other children were out having childhoods, my
parents
had a piano teacher come to our house and force my sister and me to
practice
beginner piano songs, a mutant form of music that does not occur naturally
among humans."--Dave Barry
"Every one who has ever lied to you, *regardless of intent*, has thereby
reduced your ability to think rationally."--Greg Wageman
"Everybody should have a Sergio Aragones in their house. Why, he can draw
a
bath in just seconds. As anyone who has a Dave Stevens in the house can
tell
you, it takes him 14 months to draw a bath, which can be a little bit long
to
wait for a bath, even if it does end up having Bettie Page in it."-- Mark
Evanier
"Everyone hates the French but nobody does anything about it!!!"
"well, there was the nazis, but..."--Milk & Cheese
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." -- Harlan Ellison
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
that could have been prevented by a good teacher."-- Flannery O'Connor
"Excerpt from BATMAN III: Bruce Wayne's World:
"Party on Alfred."
"Party on Bruce.""-- Tom Galloway
"Excuse me, I have to dress for the equation."--freudian slip by an
engineer
"Excuse me, but I just have to ask...Who does your nails?" --tyg to a
person in
a Halloween costume of Jesus on the cross
"Excuse me, sir. Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear?"--The Simpsons
"Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and
Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once
you've
skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied
his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say."--Matt
Groening
"February 12--The Indiana National Guard places itself on Full Beige
Alert."
--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"February 16--Primary election day finally dawns in New Hampshire as
thousands of voters go to the polls, read the names of the leading
presidential
contenders, then lie down in the snow to die."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in
Review
"February 17-- Congress, finally getting serious about the deficit,
votes to close a large naval base in Dayton, Ohio.
"February 18-- Military experts point out that there is no large
naval base in Dayton, Ohio. Congress votes to build one."--Dave Barry
"February 2-- Congress, in a move with broad public support, unanimously
passes a bill that would permanently ban the Buffalo Bills from the Super
Bowl."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"February 21-- In Winter Olympics action, NBC elects to simply re-broadcast
videotapes of the luge and bobsled events from 1976, since nobody can
tell the difference."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"February 26--In the Middle East, Israel blah blah blah Lebanon blah blah
blah
PLO blah blah Syria blah blah El Salvador."--Dave Barry
"February 6-- President Clinton's second choice for attorney general, Kimba
Wood, is forced to withdraw from consideration after the Washington Post
reports that she failed to pay the federal tax on people who are named
after
lionesses."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"February 8-- Professional baseball-team owners suspend Cincinnati Reds
owner
Marge Schott on the grounds of "extreme stupidity, even by baseball-team-
owner
standards," thereby forcing President Clinton to drop her from his short
list
of attorney general possibilities."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively, have to stay up all
night."
-- Diane Reamy
"Fetch?? All this time I thought he was saying Catch...so he wasn't just
throwing stupid. Now it all makes sense." Mister Boffo's dog, Weederman
"Floro-Girl, Vrepny Woosh of Fipsy Five, enters and uses her power to grow
a
figure of Bean-Hill-Influence Lad. All three embrace and hide their faces.
Then gently, as if by instinct, Bozna swoons into Xxymo-Leh's arms; he
throws
his head back in anguish. This full-page splash ends the issue, a daring
and
original departure since it's usually on the front cover when somebody
dies."
--Tim Maroney
"For a dormant personality, he's got a remarkably active social life."--Ham
"For him, it meant a return to acting, a return to the limelight, and a
return
to sleeping with the kind of fabulous babes who normally wouldn't give him
the
time of day."--Cowboy Wally
"For that kind of money, I'm going to have to see some proof that the gun
is
loaded."-- Bank teller, bed three in Mr. Boffo
"Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing
test."
--David Bedno
"Fortunately for us, with great power comes no appreciable increase in
intelligence..."--Damage Control
"Frats are these buildings where little boys go in, and big assholes come
out.
Seems to violate that conservation thing though."-- talk.bizarre
"From the Top Ten List of how Peter David Died--
10. Shouldn't have tried to change careers to stand up comic.
9. New Marvel policy: all writers must be *real* Marvel Zombies
3. Took a packet of Rit, added water...oops, that's how Peter David dyed.
2. New Marvel promotion; cover ink of X-Factor #71 reprint made of
writer's
blood, sales higher than expected.
1. Terminal jealousy of Suicide Squid."-- tyg
"GERMANY--This is of course the country we defeated in World War II, but
there's no reason for you to bring that up unless you're trying to get a
good
seat in a restaurant or something."--Dave Barry
"GEnie is quiet and polite, the equivalent of chatting in a nice hotel
lobby,
with cups of tea and palm fronds. CompuServe is more like a convention,
with
lots of conversations going on at once. Usenet reminds me of a University
Student Union Bar ('Look, yah, I mean what Keirkegaard was saying was, oh
gross Sharon, no-one wants to see your tattoo, well gosh, if you're buying
I'll have another pint')."--Neil Gaiman
"GODZILLA IS MY CO-PILOT: Flag-waver about Navy test pilot who is convinced
that a giant radioactive lizard will bail him out if he has plane troubles.
Pretty maudlin, and the finale where Godzilla gets help for the flyboy
after a
crash is a direct ripoff from almost any LASSIE episode."--Moriarty's High
Concept Reviews
"Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing
one's
mind and proving ethat there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets
busy on
the proof."--John Kenneth Galbraith
"Galloway is a good man..a little inexperienced maybe..."--Wild Dog
"Gestation's a bitch, and then you're born."--Da Roach
"Girls, never underestimate the power of spandex"--Babs Bunny
"Given a choice, most people would rather *not* be attacked by horrid
undersea
slime creatures."
"No!"
"Truth hurts."--Stig and Buer
"God is dead, and i'm contesting his will"--gypsy
"Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies:
As a USENET discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison
involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
Sircar's Corollary:
If the USENET discussion touches on homosexuality or Heinlein, Nazis
or Hitler are mentioned within three days. [Your propagation may vary.]"
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a
garage
makes you a car."--Laurence J. Peter
"Good man. Learned everything I know from him and Col. Meyer. His work
with
Model 5 portable phaser cannons Mark I is an inspiration to us all. And his
work in electronic communication is an inspiration to us all.--Sgt. Roger
Tang
on Jerry Boyajian
"Gotta agree with you. Figuring that it takes 15 minutes to read a comic
you
can spend $10 to $12 an hour reading comics. That's not much of a bargain
for
your entertainment dollar. When comics start making phone sex seem
affordable
in comparison, something is wrong."--Ward Batty
"Granted, the Mars mission won't be cheap- the cost is currently estimated
at
$400 billion, not including reality-- but the potential benefits are
enormous. For openers, we will earn, as a nation, more than 500 million
frequent-flier miles."--Dave Barry
"Gravely embarassed, most of my race retreated into passive observation of
the
universe. They are called The Watchers. I hail from a splinter faction.
We
watch, too-- but feel compelled to deliver piquant commentary on what we
see.
For we are... The Critics."--The Critic, from SHE-HULK
"Gregor Samsa had days like this"--Roderick Manalac
"HIGHLANDER NOON: Just when an immortal sheriff is planning to settle down
with the local Quaker wench, three guys with swords show up on the noon
stage,
intending to cut his head off. Slow story, but made famous by the hit
song,
"Do Not Behead Me Oh My Darling.""--Moriarty's High Concept Reviews
"HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT DOOR ON Let's Make A Deal: "Everyone knows the right
answer is to hold a knife to the man's throat until he gives you the car,
then
knee the producer in the nuts and drive out through the studio's rear
entrance! With both goats!"" -- Terry Pratchett
"Ha ha ha, it is to laugh. And they call that little squirt the Napoleon of
crime."--Brainy Domes on Montiarity
"Ha ha, now I have her, Do-Right, and you shall never get her back... or
any
other part of her, either."-- Snidely Whiplash
"Half of me wants to strangle you."
"And what does the other half want?"
"To hit you with a TRUCK!"
"We used to date."--Two-Face and Poison Ivy on BTAS
"Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." --Jeff
Pesis
"Have you ever received an automated sales pitch, while you were still in
your
pajamas? Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to
your stolen account number? Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by
faceless intruders from across the globe? You Will. And the company that
will
bring this to you is AT&T"-- Fred Wheeler & Jeff Sorenson
"Have you ever wished you were a member of the opposite sex? And how do you
know you're not?" #81 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"He avenges the innocent, upholds justice and makes a unique fashion
statement."--Detroit Free Press Fashion columnist on Batman
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"-- Bugs Bunny
"He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director,
Lucifer,
Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him
'Dude'."
--Ty Templeton
"He hasn't one redeeming vice."--Oscar Wilde
"He marches to the beat of a different tuba"--Tom Galloway
"He wanted to serve his country by forcing poorly managed businesses to
become
efficient, streamlined competitors using the tools of hostile takeovers and
leveraged buy-outs, financed throught the sale of junk bonds. With the toil
of
his own hands, the sweat of his own brow, and the friends of his parents,
Chad
was lucky enought to see his dreams come to fruition."--A Nation of
Snitches.
"He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind we're looking for. This
man
is an I.R.S. agent."--Ham
"He's arrested a piano!?! Is he *nuts*?"
"Is it madness to want to save us from the onslaught of killer pianos?"
"I guess not. Silly me..."--Stig's Inferno
"He's beaten up the Joker, the Riddler and the others
But now his greatest foe is the folks at Warner Brothers"--Adam West by the
Caped Club
"He's either a paranormal or--or..."
"Or what?"
"Sorry, m'Lord--I couldn't come up with a suitable punch line."--L-Ron
"He's got cool
And savoir-faire
In his cape and cowl
And his gray underwear"--Adam West by the Caped Club
"Hell, if someone would be kind enough to invent the technology, I'll be
pleased to beam it directly into your cortex. We'll have the city edition,
the late city edition and the mind-meld edition." --New York Times
publisher
"Hello, I'd like to join the French Foreign Legion."
"Fine. We'll need your name, Social Security number, and the name of the
girl
you're trying to forget. That is, if you're up to it. If you're not going
to
start crying or anything. I know it's painful."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of
Blood
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh-- which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent-- I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including
WRCT."--radio ad for WRCT
"Hello, you've reached the Clinton residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. If
you're calling about the haircut, press 200. If you're calling about our
new
tax plan, press 1040. If you're calling from Hollywood, press 90210. And if
you're calling about our employment plan, press 7-11."--Capitol Steps
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Hello. My name is Bruce Wayne. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Hello. My name is Hamlet. You killed my father and married my mother.
Should I do something about it or not?" "Hello. My name is Oedipus. I
killed
my father and married my mother. Prepare to be grossed out as I rip out my
eyes."-- Tom Galloway
"Here on the tree shaded banks of Lake Micawawa lies one of America's great
storehouses of knowledge, The Double-Domed Institute for Advanced Thinking.
You, sir, what is your scholastic background?"
"Well, I have a B.A. from Columbia, an M.A. from Harvard, and a Ph.D. From
Caltech."
"And I take it you're a professor here?"
"No, I'm the janitor." --Goof Gas episode of Bullwinkle
"Here's my first choice: 'Fortune 500 company seeks director of overseas
operations.' It's got a great salary. What do you think?"
"I may be wrong, but it doesn't sound like a summer job."
"Yeah, but I'm not going to tell them it's just for the summer."--Fox Trot
"Hey! Hey, did you see that, everybody? That young lady just passed my baby
without leaning over and making a silly face and going 'gaa gaa goo goo
gaa!'
She's not normal!"--Shade, the Changing Man
"Hey, Brain, the reindeer have invited the elves to a party at Donner's
house."
"Somehow I find the idea of joining the Donner party to be singularly
unappealing."--Pinky & the Brain
"Hi! I'm Gaggia! This is my son Rancilio! We were deprived of sleep and
toilet
privileges for 3 days so we could truly accept Suisse Mocha international
coffee into our hearts!...Have a sip won't you...and find real happiness!"
"...Earl Grey...Gotta keep thinking Earl Grey!!"--Gaggia and Griffy
"Hi, I'm Dionysius. You may remember me from Greek myths -- I'm the God
who
knows his wine -- and knows his beer! So when the guys from Miller
Lite..."
--Jeff Meyer
"Hi. I'm subbing for Cliff Stoll on this panel, and will be ready to do so
just as soon as I drink a case of Jolt Cola and stick my finger in an
electric
socket"-- Tom Galloway
"High-Temperature-Superconductor Lass and her brother,
Room-Temperature-Fusion-Kid, are watching Bean-Hill-Influence Lad's death
rattle the very cosmos to its foundations."--Tim Maroney
"Homer! There's a man here who thinks he can help you! "
"Batman? "
"No, he's a scientist! "
"Batman's a scientist. "
"It's NOT Batman! " --Marge and Homer Simpson
"Honk if your horn is broken."--unknown
"How could I have thought that I no longer loved this man? The radiation
from
my VDT must have gotten to me!"--Brenda Starr
"How does the prisoner plead?"
"Cerebus *demands* that you release him or he'll call upon his dark masters
to turn you into a flock of pious pink toads..."
"That's not a half-bad defence."--Black Magiking
"How many noble trees have given their lives to become bibles? How many
have
died to become korans? It's not their fault. It's not the fault of the
trees."
--Jason Woodrue
"How many times do I have to tell you, Kent--nepotism and crime fighting
don't
mix!"--Rudra
"How's the work on that new Oxygen Tax going?"
"It's almost finished."
"Let me see...'By royal decree of Ray Davies...'. Ray Davies?"
"We still haven't gotten all the kinks worked out of it yet."--Cowboy
Wally's
Hamlet
"However, much like Phoenix, Jesus returns as Dark Jesus and threatens to
return again whenever sales drop or the writing staff of the Bible and its
various spinoffs (such as the Book of Mormon and the Watchtower) run out of
new ideas."
-- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg
"However, one thing on the Net is certain: there is someone willing to
argue about any point."-- I don't know but I'll dispute any attribution
"Hunted by ordinary people. Hated. Running scared. They spend their
lives
full of rage and resentment, rejected by a society that needs to understand
them. Gamma irradiated beings. On the next Oprah."--Doug Moran
"I also caught up with the campaign juggernaut of Republican contender Pete
"Pierre S." du Pont XXIII, who is campaigning on the slogan: "Pete du Pont:
He
Will Buy You a House."" --Dave Barry
"I am entitled to my own opinion."
"Yes, but it's your constant assumption that everyone else is also that's
so annoying." --Vila & Avon
"I am just going to tell them to get some kryptonite"--Knicks asst. coach
Ralph Willard on how to stop Michael Jordan
"I am shamed. I turn in my Tom Galloway Junior Trivia Cop Badge and all
rights and privleges that go along with it. I have brought shame unto my
family for generations to come."--Ken Small
"I am the *Tick*. Your brother has not done justice to your beauty with his
words. You are the spitting image of Thelma from Scooby Doo."
"Uh..."--Tick
"I ask you: Is seeing the She-Hulk and Kitty Pryde bound, gagged and
humiliated
by Doctor Doom worth our ozone layer? We think not!"
"Speak for yourself, snail eater!"--World's Worst Comics Awards
"I attempt to convince you to do something you are not now doing. I
threaten you with bodily harm. This is known as extortion.
I attempt to convince you to do something you are not now doing. I
threaten you with eternal harm. This is known as missionary work.
Funny world." --Scott Hankin
"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is
"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is
us."--Konrad Lorenz
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye."--Jack Handey
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know
when to stop unwrapping."--Steven Wright
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
again."--Steven Wright
"I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry." --
Bart
Simpson
"I can't believe that Mikhail has really become a drug smuggler."
"I can't believe that Brenda has really become an Elvis fan."--Brenda Starr
"I caught her chanting 'This little piggy went to Krypton, this little
piggy
went to Metropolis, this little piggy went to Smallville, and this little
piggy was sentenced to the Phantom Zone' to the baby, after which she
serenaded her with a stirring rendition of 'Itsy Bitsy Luthor, Up The
Prison
Wall'!"--Fred Hembeck, stating what his wife supposedly did to their baby
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my
neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them
and took their land."-- Jon Stewart
"I didn't forget the 'E' in procrastinate...It's just not number one on my
list
of priorities."--Mister Boffo
"I do like the idea of the Talking Death doll. Says six different phrases:
'I am Death' 'One lifetime is all you get' 'I've got a job to do, and I do
it'
'In the end there is me' 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!' 'Gee, math
is
hard!'--Lance Smith
"I don't care what I am. I don't care if I'm just a minor character in a
bad
story...I'm not going to let this happen. You hear me? I've still got my
dignity!"--Ultraman
"I don't decay in your lawn. Please don't walk on my grave."--Matt Groening
"I don't know about Jerry, except that he's written in a flavored
dialect of Lisp, but for me, I exmploy a staff of twenty people who
read the networks for me and compose replies. I only read what they've
written and sign off on it. When I came up with this plan, I wasn't
sure that I could afford it, but I found that there were a number of
graduate students at the UCB math Department who would work very cheap."
-- Tim Maroney
"I don't know how much good my powers would be at fighting crime and stuff
out
on my own."
"Right! How does this sound..? 'Stop. Or I'll stand very, very still for a
surprisingly long time!"--Chlorophyll Kid and Stone Boy
"I don't make jokes-- I just watch the government and report the facts."
--Will Rogers
"I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd
known
the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."-- Calvin
"I don't want to live in this world. All the fun's gone out of it.
Everything
used to be bright and now everything is dark."--Power Ring on the
difference
in comics between the 60s and 90s.
"I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's
cool."
--Calvin
"I expect that someday "Yeah, well you read Liefeld!" will be regular
fightin'
words on playgrounds everywhere."--Manley
"I felt it was time the Bible was put into its proper context. It's a good
book, in fact it's *The* Good Book, but it was only a biography, and an
*unauthorized* one at that. I didn't even write it."--God, the Ultimate
Autobiography
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive
were
Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
--- Wil Wheaton, explaining why everyone in ST:TNG is so nice
"I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers,
comic-strip fans -- that sort of person." --Scott Adams
"I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and
read
comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day."--Calvin
"I grabbed the red-hot poker I always carry with me and whispered in a low,
menacing voice: `Hey, Marc... let's play a little game we call "Famous EC
Covers".'"-- Alex Ross
"I guess I should have gone to school once in a while."--Zot, on being
grounded for falling below a C- average (OK, Zot from dimension 10 1/2)
"I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."
--Jack Handey
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night."--Steven Wright
"I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."
--Steven Wright
"I have a perfect cure for a sore throat. Cut it."--Alfred Hitchcock
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave
a
message and I'll call when I'm out.""--Steven Wright
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something."
--Jackie Mason
"I have exciting news for you consumers out there whose future plans
include, at
some point, death."--Dave Barry
"I have finally thought of the ultimate villain for the comics: Physics
Man.
Physics Man's only power would be to enforce the laws of physics.
Collassal
Boy would collapse under his own weight. Laural Gand would suffer time
dilation. Spider Man would get blood cancer. Superman would have to eat a
WHOLE lot or spend month at a time in close orbit around the sun. Batman
would be on a respirator. Kitty Pride would be twenty three. Powergirl
would
own a br..well, you get the point;-)"--Mike Chary
"I have learned to use the word `impossible' with the greatest caution."
-- Werner von Braun
"I have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."--Robert
Bloch
"I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me
are
furious!"--Steven WRight
"I just reread this, and I should note that racm is anti-critical in
the lit-crit sense, not in that racmers are afraid to say something sucks."
--Ken Small
"I just want to say that being named this month's Miss August is an honor
I'll
remember for as long as I can. I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA and
I
want to be a vetrenarian because I love children."--Julie Brown
"I keep waiting for Pons to either (1) describe his experimental setup in
sufficient detail for anyone to duplicate his results, or (2) start a
business selling cold fusion kits via ads in the backs of comic books."
--unknown
"I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section."
"Those are cannons."
"And they perform this in crowded concert halls?? Gee, I thought classical
music was boring!"--Calvin and Hobbes
"I know this, because I encounter them on the Internet, which is a giant
international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by
which
I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other, on the
Internet. "Geek pride," that is our motto"--Dave Barry
"I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time-- but lately several
days have attacked me at once."--anonymous
"I like also the men who study the Great Pyramid, with a view to
deciphering
its mystical lore. Many great books have been written on this subject, some
of
which have been presented to me by their authors. It is a singular fact
that
the Great Pyramid always predicts the history of the world accurately up to
the date of publication of the book in question, but after that date it
becomes less reliable."--Bertrand Russell
"I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I
can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'."
-- Carl Shipley
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
--Douglas Adams
"I mean, asking Batman for sympathy is like asking Jack the Ripper for
medical advice"--Black Canary
"I mean, it's got all sorts of tall, pokey building and some really large
squat
ones. So if you're fond of large urban areas, this one's by far your best
bet."
--Batook's Guide to Awfully Big Cities, Third Edition
"I mean, when a male frog is looking for a date, he has enough common sense
to
make a noise that is considered attractive in the frog community, such as
"greep," the kind of noise that makes a girl forget everything she was told
by
the strict frog nuns at Our Lady Of The Amphibious Pond Creatures High
School."
--Dave Barry
"I mean, who ever got their heart broken by someone they didn't even like?"
"Me." "Me." "Me." "Yep."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of Blood
"I mean, you don't seem like a bad guy to me..."
"I don't, huh? I got a death touch, an army of killer robots and a skull
drawn on my chest and I don't look like a bad guy to you? I think you could
be in the wrong business."--Animal Man and the Red Mask
"I miss continuity. I used to dive around in it like a porpoise and throw
it up and let it hit me on the head."--Greg Morrow
"I must say, Jack, death definitely suits you. Losing your soul was a most
aesthetic touch."
"Thank you. I agree."--Dekko and 9-Jack-9
"I must say, though, that I wonder how many of you support the use of cats
for
scientific research? " "We tried it once but the cats really weren't up to
it,
bad writing skills and few worthy PHD's among them. I don't think any of
them
actually got tenure, which is sort of sad. "-- Someone and Barry Shein
"I must've seen it in a USENET posting; that's sort of like hearsay
evidence
from Richard Nixon..."-- Blair Houghton
"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I
only
know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that
differentiate me from a doormat."-- Rebecca West
"I need 12 more yards rushing to earn another $25,000 in incentive bonus.
Give
me the ball and I'll give you $10,000."--football player in Tank McNamara
"I never got the hang of libraries, they keep wanting the things back and
get
upset when they need a crowbar to force it out of my hands."--Richard Caley
"I never understood people who don't have bookshelves."-- George Plimpton
"I realised that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure
poor
reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an
intimidating and inpenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?"
"The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in 'Dick and Jane'
: A
Study in Psychic Transrelational Modes."
"Academia, here I come!"--Calvin & Hobbes
"I remind you: everything you say will be held against you."
"Well, in that case: Marlene Dietrich!" Crazy House, a 1943 movie
"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and
stupid."
-- Dorothy Parker
"I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education."-- Wilson Mizner
"I said you wouldn't like it sheriff. Ida was beaten to death. Maybe brass
knuckles. She wasn't molested."
"Blast it!"--coroner and sheriff in a Steve Ditko story
"I saw very few newspaper classified ads that said:
ENGLISH MAJORS WANTED! Major corporation will pay LARGE SALARIES for people
who can natter for hours about Hemingway's use of mackerel as a symbol for
Fascism."--Dave Barry
"I say 'pleasecanwegohomenowbecauseIdontwanttomeetanybody' but somehow Sara
hears that as, 'OK, sure I'd like to meet him.' She must be psychic,
clairvoyant, intuitive, prescient, or she's a bitch who doesn't care what
my
feelings are. I'm not sure which."--Ashley Rane
"I should be there, by his side, fighting to the death! Instead, I'm a love
slave in Ann Arbor!"--Yarn Man (some people have all the luck...)
"I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. I wonder how Richie died?"
"Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own
life"
--Bart and Lisa Simpson
"I think congress has spent enough time on ethics. I think its time they
moved on to something else." Richard Nixon 6/28/1989
"I think that if people are having trouble communicating with one another,
the
least they can do is SHUT UP."-- Tom Lehrer
"I think the pet rock i bought is autistic." --nj
"I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?"
--The Naked Gun, from the files of Police Squad!
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go
down
and meet them with baseball bats."-- Woody Allen, on the KKK
"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."--Calvin
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place."--Steven Wright
"I want to stress that I'm not one of those nouveau Jim and Tammy Faye fans
who
started following them after they became internationally recognized punch
lines. I was a fan for *years*."--Dave Barry (ditto. I grew up in North
Carolina where you couldn't avoid hearing about them)
"I warn you, Martian! You've not heard the last of the Injustice League!"
"And you've not heard the last of us, Major. That name your team's taken
constitutes a copyright infringement. Our lawyers will be calling your
lawyers." (hopefully after they explain to J'onn the difference between
copyrights and trademarks...) --Major Disaster and J'onn J'onzz
"I was of an impressionable age when I first saw Racquel Welch in
"Fantastic
Voyage", and afterward I could only be aroused by women who wore rubber
diving
suits and were covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your
partner in a rubber suit covered with large antibodies is not a bad idea.)"
--Steve Connelly
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full
house
and 4 people died."--Steven Wright
"I was sitting there reading these copies of Youngblood I was sent, and
thinking to myself, 'I no longer have anything to say to any young writers
who send scripts and ask 'Am I good enough to be published?'' The answer
from
now on, no matter what they send me, is, 'Yes! Yes! You too can be
published!
You don't even need to spell!'"--Neil Gaiman
"I was watching an old news show on A & E and the announcer came on and
said,
'The Twentieth Century will continue in a moment.' Actually I had no doubt
that it was true, but for a moment I considered bolting to my window to see
if
anything looked different."--Mark Leeper
"I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great
song."-- Fred Reuss
"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in
the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and
the table would move across the floor to it."--Steven Wright
"I will not be sliced, diced, tenderized, marinated, or stir-fried.
"I will not be sliced, diced, tenderized, marinated, or stir-fried.
I am not a number, I am a free Squid!"
-- Suicide Squid as Number 10 (courtesy of Philip Flores)
"I wish you could have been there Thursday night to see the climax of this
wild
'n' wacky GOP funfest, with the inspirational 1988 ticket of George Bush
and
his handsome young running mate, Beaver Cleaver, waving triumphantly from
the
podium as thousands of balloons were dropped from the ceiling and, in an
impressively patriotic display, shot down by the USS Vincennes."--Dave
Barry
"I would guess that it's too much to hope that we could get Usenet declared
a
National Park, so that we could have restrictions put on the number of
tourists
tromping through here and trashing the wildlife."--Melinda Shore
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your
intelligence."-- William F. Buckley, Jr.
"I'd suggest Massachusetts would do better to try a little education, maybe
starting with what a stop sign means and why you shouldn't drive at 60MPH
in
breakdown lanes and that at least once a month perhaps you should use your
turn signals because hey what the heck you paid for them. Then they can
work
their way down to things like using safety equipment such as seat belts."
--Barry Shein
"I'd tell you to get a clue, but from reading you posts, I don't think you
could. You couldn't get a clue during clue-mating season in a field full
of
horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating
dance."--John Sinnott
"I'll get myself a Bat-Suit
And be lookin' real cute"--Adam West by the Caped Club
"I'll tell you Ernie, it doesn't do much for your ego to find out your
girlfriend would rather date a squid!"--Uncle Sid
"I'm a paranoid agnostic. I doubt the existence of God, but I'm sure there
is
some force, somewhere, working against me."--Marc Maron
"I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had to do it over again, I'd call in
someone else."--Roland Young
"I'm a self-made man, thereby demonstrating once again the perils of
unskilled
labor..."--Harlan Ellison
"I'm beginning to think that only stupid people can be truly happy."--
nomia
"I'm going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and
read
comic books."--Calvin
"I'm going to recite the three parts of the Hegelian Dialectic, and then
you're
coming with me, one way or another. Thesis...Antithesis...Synthesis."
--Ace/Chris Northern Exposure
"I'm not a piano, but I play one on TV..."--unknown
"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."--Groucho Marx
"I'm not expendible, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going!"--Avon
"I'm not good in groups. It's difficult to work in groups when you're
omnipotent."--Q
"I'm talking about the recently completed 1988 Presidental Election
Campaign
>From Hell. The news people all claim it's over, but what if it's a trick?
What if it's like the movie "Fatal Attraction," where just when you think
Glenn
Close is safely dead, she comes swooping up out of the bathtup?"--Dave
Barry
"I'm the Amazing Cain. If you enjoyed the show, tell your friends. If you
didn't, I trust you'll get throat cancer and die without ever again
uttering
another word. Goodnight."--Cain
"I'm the geometry demon. I'm here to cause you unimaginable pain and
torment.
But I see you're busy with your English paper right now, so I'll come back
a
little later--say nine-ish? Great. It's a date."--Fox Trot
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's
deep
enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"-- Jean Kerr
"I'm told Apple's lawyers will actively prosecute/persecute anyone who uses
a Mac in a film such that it makes Macs or Apple look bad, or injures a
human
being. Let's get Disney to do it, and tie up both sets of lawyers for the
next decade. B-)" --Jim Drew
"I've gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers' parlors, and have been told
thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting
ready
to arrest her."--New York City Detective
"I've got *plenty* of common sense! I just choose to ignore it."--Calvin
"I've got this shocking pain right behind the eyes."
"Have you considered amputation?"--Vila & Avon
"I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."-- Calvin
"I've noticed that comic book superheros usually fight evil maniacs with
grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after more
subtle, realistic bad guys?" "Yeah, the superhero could attend council
meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff." "Hmmm... I think I
see
the problem." "`Quick! To the Bat-Fax!'"
--Calvin And Hobbes
"I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into a nice bubble bath with
some Belgian chocolate and a mystery at my side only to discover that all
of the characters in the latter are still alive at the end."--Miriam Nadel
"INTRODUCTIONS: You always introduce the younger person to the older
person,
using the wording: 'Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older
person.'
(Unless her name is not 'Miss Brown.') If you do not know a person's age,
ask
for a driver's license and a major credit card."--Dave Barry
"Idiots Anonymous. Isn't it about *time*?"--Bryant Durrell
"If Batman designed his garb to strike fear into criminals, did Robin
choose
his to terrorize worms?"--World's Worst Comics Awards
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be
put
into perspective."--Ralph Noble
"If I go to sleep they might decide to remove me from the continuity and
then
I'll never wake up."--Psycho-Pirate
"If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?"-- Jeremy Brett, on playing
Sherlock
"If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a
pulp."--Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero
"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to
get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that
netnews is far more addictive than cocaine."-- Rob Stampfli
"If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt
on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my
unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I
therefore
assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on
the playground."-- Calvin
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster
with
two people digging."--Mister Boffo
"If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of
Etiquette."
--Ms. Manners
"If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and incredibly handsome, why
does he need to put on a batsuit? Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask
and
kick the crap out of people?"-- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a
nail."-- Abraham Maslow
"If they weren't going to write a good story, they should have at least
thrown in some gratuitous nudity..."--overheard in a comics shop
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." "--Jack Handey
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets...."
--Living Steel
"If you could change the order of the alphabet, what order would you put
the
letters in?" #63 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you could choose between the body of a 20-year-old and the body of a
50-year-old, where would you keep it?" #9, The Book of Stupid Questions
"If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?"
"All of it."--Cerebus
"If you could pick the exact day of your death, would it be a weekday or a
holiday?" #35 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you could save a million starving children by sacrificing one of the
major
TV networks, would you choose ABC, CBS, or NBC?" #100 The Book of Stupid
Questions, Tom Weller
"If you don't think Hitler can be used to illustrate a point, you are
simply
inexperienced."--William F. Buckley (never knew he was on Usenet before...)
"If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all."--Brian of the Bat People
"If you had to eat one crayon out of a box of 64, which color would it be?"
#15, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you had to have every disease in the world successively, in what order
would you have them?" #57 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you had to have one of your ears surgically removed in order to save
the
world from certain nuclear holocaust, which ear would you choose?" #38
The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you paid seventeen dollars for a mailbox and you only got one love
letter,
it would still be worth it. On the other hand, if you never ever get even
one
love letter, then you should get your seventeen dollars back...I'd like to
speak to the manager please."--Charlie Brown
"If you see only one movie this year... you need to
get out more."--The tag line for THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2]
"If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They
tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated
testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on
people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking." --Scott Adams
"If you want a free ride, you'll have to pay more taxes"--Senator Batson D.
Belfry in Shoe
"If you were certain that by having your lips removed you could end the
clubbing of baby harp seals, would you consider getting professional help?"
#20, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant
other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same
behavior."--Ralph Noble
"Ignorant?! Ha! I don't even know the meaning of the word!"--Fight-Man
"Imagine if, say, Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-Planet Klingon) got up on the
podium,
and the band broke into "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky." Wouldn't that be
great? Or, to introduce the vice presidential nominee, they could play
"Take
This Job and Shove It." --Dave Barry
"Imitation is the sincerest form of Television."-- Mighty Mouse
"Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11."-- Carl Rigney
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over
what I considered to be an odd number."--Steven Wright
"In a changing, complex world, full of powers beyond our comprehension, you
"In a demonstration of early Legion foolishness that ranks up there with
the
installation of the Planetary Chance machine, the group accepted Tenzil
into
its ranks."--Who's Who
"In a world where every third person is a mutant and alien
invasions happen every other Tuesday, the National Inquirer would be one
of the more respected papers." --David Tanguay on superhero comics
"In fact, Douglas Adams considers his worst Internet experience "constant
mail
along the lines of 'How do I know you're not an imposter?'". On the other
hand, Neil Gaiman's worst experience was when his CompuServe mailbox
"filled
up with the kind of letter that's the computerised equivalent of ringing up
a
celebrity and going 'Coo, I can't believe I'm actually talking on the phone
to
Mick Jagger. Coo. So you're really Mick Jagger, eh? Gosh. Um. So. Um.
Whatcha
doin' these days Mick?'"'--Internet World "Are You Really...?" by tyg
"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot
car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot
cars
so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced
hot
cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a
digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice." --
Scott Adams
"In my hovel, books are definitely in as decor: as wall-coverings,
table-coverings, bed-coverings, under-the-bed-surprises,
what's-this-under-the-cushion, and of course, cat perches."--Lisa Chabot
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to
finding a
cure for jerks."--Calvin
"In other proverb attempts, the president informed the Soviets that his
toothbrush could read minds, and that he owned a giant Presbyterian ukulele
made of cheese. The Soviets always applauded wildly, to encourage him.
They
love it when he does proverbs."--Dave Barry
"In recent months, we have been literally flooded with letters from readers
who want to know how come nobody ever uses the word "literally" correctly."
--Dave Barry
"In response to numerous requests from the American Association of English
Teachers On Drugs, we once again present "Ask Mr. Language Person," the
column
so authoritative that it recently received a question from none other than
William Safire. (He asked: "Didn't I tell you to stop using my name?")"
--Dave Barry
"In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the
gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of
trickery.
He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort
of
the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in
a
pit dripping acidic venom on him." --Martin Terman
"In the beginning Stan and Jack created the mutants and the non-mutants
And the Universe was without subplots, and void; and darkness was upon
the face of the salescurve. And the Spirit of Wein and Cockrum moved upon
the face of the newsstand.
And the Editor said `Let there be new X-Men; and there were new X-Men'"
-- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg
"In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong."--God, the
Ultimate Autobiography
"In the old days, a Platinum Superman 1 would have something to do with
some
new peculiar ore of kryptonite and an accident at the Fortress of
Solitude."
--Samuel Crider
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called
it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to
synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each
other on
the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the
atheists) "Look out for the wall!""--Dave Barry
"In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we
crash," the flight attendant is saying, "you can use your complimentary
snack
to repel sharks."--Dave Barry
"In this issue we are shown an alternate universe in which Marvel decided
not
to spin off X-Factor or Excalibur, and in which New Mutants was
discontinued,
rather than handed over to Simonson.
As the premise indicates, it breaks with previous What-Ifs by having a
happy ending."--Dani on What If #12
"Incredible. This jerk is too stupid to stop living."--The Tick
"Instead, you and I became the cornerstones of the Brotherhood of Evil! An
empire of crime such as I'd dreamed of back in the old school, when the
other
children used to laugh at me because I was a brain in a tank."--The Brain
"Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns. Genius is the ability
to
perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot. Scholarship is the
ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any."-- Michael J. Moran
"Irony? We don't get much of that around here."--Steve Martin
"Is it worse when you try to go up a step that's no there and hit thin air
or
when you try to go down a step that's not there and hit the floor? #46 The
Book
of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the
deaths
of innocent people?"
"No... by *causing* the deaths of innocent people."
--Superman and Lex Luthor discussing what to do on a Saturday night
"Is the sky really blue, or does it just look like it?" #95 The Book of
Stupid
Questions, Tom Weller
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen
to weather forecasts and economists?"--Kelvin Throop, III
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me,
it's
the part that I do understand."-- Mark Twain
"It became clear: the tee vees had landed in Crystal Falls from outer
space, or
at least from out of America. They were pumping out filth and taking over
normal folk, sucking the natural American fluids from our bodies..."--
Shade,
the Changing Man character
"It can be shown that for any nutty theory, beyond-the-fringe political
view or
strange religion there exists a proponent on the Net. The proof is left as
an
exercise for your kill-file."-- unattributed truth from r.g.frp
"It does not pay a prophet to be too specific."--L. Sprague de Camp
"It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had
been dead for two years."-- Tom Lehrer
"It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are
an
exceptionally good liar."-- Jerome K. Jerome
"It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
chemistry."
J Greely
"It occurred to me this morning that many system design flaws can be traced
to
unwarrantedly anthropomorphizing the user."--Steven Maker
"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without
changing
a single idea."-- Robert Anton Wilson
"It reminded him of the day his parents had gotten a divorce and had told
him
that they were just taking separate vacations. Since neither of the
vacations
had included Lance, it had been hard on him."--Justin Ting
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at
that man."--Jack Handey
"It was as if the spirit of Gary Groth suddenly took over my hands--I had
this uncanny urge to grab a thesaurus and find synonyms for "puerile
snot.""
--Rogers Cadenhead
"It wasn't so much as anyone being asleep at the wheel, so much as someone
wrenching it to one side and psychotically sending the vehicle plummeting
down the side of an abyss. I hope that's a little more politically correct
that "castrated with a rusty screwdriver", which was my general analysis
for several years after the fact."--Dan Chichester on the demise of Epic
"It's Earth's first contact with these aliens...and all Flaming Carrot can
come
up with is to annihilate, incinerate and destroy them?!!"
"Hey...I'm no Jack Kennedy!"--Flaming Carrot
"It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"--Saturday Night Live [Golden Age]
"It's a special feeling I get when a friend falls in love...I feel
so...so..."
"Bitter?"
"That's it exactly."--Doctor Doctor
"It's a zillion light years to the center of the galaxy; we've got a full
tank
of dilithium crystals, half a bottle of romulan ale; it's dark in space and
we're wearing sunglasses."
"We're on a mission from God!"--Star Trek V: The Blues Brothers Frontier
"It's an emergency!"
"Oh, girl trouble."
"Yeah...how'd you know?"
"You're fourteen."--My Secret Identity
"It's back to Hell for you, Yakin. And you will be punished for your
arrogance--you will oversee the lawyers..."
"*No*! No! no..."--Deadman
"It's not as bad as it sounds. I don't think we're pronouncing it right."--
Dr.
Boffo
"It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your
bedroom
window... or outside your bedroom, period."--Groucho Marx
"It's rumored that when the divorce becomes final, Mrs. Trump will leave
the
city and move back to Czechoslovakia for a simpler country life. When
asked to comment on that rumor, Mrs. Trump said: New York is where I'd
rather
stay; I get allergic smelling hay.'"-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
"It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers.
The
truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins,
traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."-- Henry Miller
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"--Peter Oakley
"It's the 90's, Hamton; take out a loan and buy a clue."--Plucky Duck
"Iteration in everyday life: // Recursion in everyday life:
Lather. Rinse. Repeat. // To seal, moisten flap, fold over and
seal."
"Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore
Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again,
Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out."
--Babylon 5 mantra: Lt. Commander Ivanova
"JANUARY 1--In college bowl action, 'Goiters whip 'Roids, 'Geeters whonk
'Nads, and Colorado Raging Hormones upset Utah State Fighting Lavatory
Inspection Certificates, leaving the question of who is national champion
once
again to be settled by the official NCAA procedure of drunks shouting in
bars."
--Dave Barry
"January 17--Veteran sports buffoon Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder is fired by
CBS
television after he creates a nationwide shock wave by actually managing
to correctly predict the outcome of a football game."--Dave Barry's 1988
Year
in Review
"January 18-- The Supreme Court votes 6-5 to strike down a federal law
requiring audits of Supreme Court voting procedures."--Dave Barry 1992 Year
in Review
"January 2-- True Item: The Middle East is hit by its heaviest snowstorm in
four decades. January 4-- In Jerusalem, 47 Arabs and 38 Israelis are
injured
in the region's worst snowball fighting in four decades."--Dave Barry
1992 Year in Review
"January 3--A massive unexpected blizzard caused by the Greenhouse Effect
slams into Iowa and traps an estimated 3,000 leading presidential
contenders;
tragically, most of them are able to survive by eating non-essential
aides."
--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"January 9--In a decision that will later prove to be a tragic mistake,
Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for U.S.
Attorney General Edwin Meese."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"Jiminy Christmas! This is one of the top five worst things I've ever seen!
We've got to get those poor souls out of there! Seventeen is the Etch-A-
Sketch
shaft. They'll go mad trying to work those ghastly things!"--Mr. O'Day
"July 2 -- Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases
operations,
but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights ``should be
able to glide to safety.''" --Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"July 22 -- In an extremely controversial decision, President Clinton
announces that his nominee for surgeon general is Lorena Bobbitt."
--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"July 30 --In sports, giant pneumatic actress Brigitte Nielsen abandons
Mark
Gastineau for Roger Rabbit."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"June 10-- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington
``outsider'' after The New York Times reports that the Dallas billionaire
owns
the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and an estimated 53
percent
interest in the House of Representatives."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"June 14 --Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school
district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used to
form
dirty words." --Dave Barry
"June 17-- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President
Quayle gives a spelling lesson."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"June 21-- The Bulls win the NBA championship and Chicago celebrates in
what
has become the traditional American fashion for this type of joyful
occasion.
Two are killed."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"June 22--In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports that the Greenhouse
Effect is getting worse and nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps are
going to melt and we're all going to die. Next week's cover: Cher."--Dave
Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"June 3--The U.S. Senate begins TV broadcasts of its sessions. Although
there
was some concern that the senators might "ham it up," the opening broadcast
goes smoothly, highlighted by Sen. Strom Thurmond's show-stopping
performance
of 'Poppa's Got a Brand New Bag.'"--Dave Barry
"June 8-- By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual ``Tailhook'' convention
of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as
the Association of Women Karate Instructors. ``I had no idea,'' states
one observer, ``that an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft.''"
Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"Just words on a page! Some cheap hack is writing our lives!"--Mad Hatter
"Kendall couldn't have looked guiltier if he'd confessed at the end of a
Perry Mason episode."--Weng Chan
"LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: James Bond tires of international intrigue
and
cosmopolitan living, turns in his double-O license and moves to a small
town
in the deep South, living as a hermit known as Arthur "Boo" Radley. But
when
a group of sadistic bigots threaten the daughter of a local attorney, Bond
straps on his Walther PPK and wipes out the entire Alabama Klan. Very
satisfying film for liberals."--Moriarty's High Concept Reviews
"Lame puns are pound for pound your best entertainment value."
--Gogo Dodo
"Left hook, jab. Right cross, combination. Uppercut."
"Mister, where I come from, them's fightin' words."--Cowboy Wally's Rough-
up
Theater
"Lensmen are the very best men in the Galactic Patrol. (Always men. Only
one
woman ever becomes a Lensman. Sort of like smurfs.)"--Dani Zweig
"Let's not mix sex and superheroes. All we'll end up with is a lot of
frustration and devastated hotels."--Shelley Louie
"Like eating a spoonful of Drano...it'll clean you out, but leave you
hollow
inside."--David Zucker
"Like most comic fans, I ritually sacrifice non-comicbook readers to dark
gods. Tragic, isn't it? Another mind wasted by purile entertainment."
--James Nicoll
"Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in
the
mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to
put
your foot in your mouth and have people all across the country know about
it."
--Mark Leeper
"Live from Pepto, the capital city of the planet Bismoll, we're here for
Matter-Eater Lad's inauguration..."--tyg
"Living in a bookshop is like living in a warehouse of explosives. Those
shelves are ranked with the most furious combustibles in the world--the
brains
of men."-- THE HAUNTED BOOKSHOP by Christopher Morley
"Lobo seems to serve the same function for DC that gorillas once served:
Someone in that company is convinced that readers want to see Lobo on
every DC cover. (I never cared much for the gorillas, either.)"--Dani
Zweig
"Look, it's all here. Comic books. That's it! *This* is the shape of
spacetime."--John Highwater.
"Lord, give me the courage to change what I can,
the wisdom to accept that which I cannot change,
and the heavy artillery to make up the difference."--Patrick L. Humphrey
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."-- H.L. Mencken
"Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence..."
--Ambrose Bierce
"Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to
college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons
think
seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely
related to
college.)"--Dave Barry
"March 14-- In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the
young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump ``Old Joe,'' and that
Camels will henceforth be represented by ``Old Kermit the Frog.''"--Dave
Barry 1992 Year in Review
"March 20-- Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, after a 17- year study,
release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence"
that people who purchase cigarettes do so with the intention of smoking
them."
--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"March 25 -- On a positive note, U.S. government economists report that the
job outlook is very strong if you are a U.S. government economist."
--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"March 25-- In a major intelligence coup, the U.S. government learns that
it
might not need to have 300,000 troops defending West Germany from East
Germany, because these are now THE SAME COUNTRY. Officials begin planning a
lightning military maneuver that could mean that, by 1995, there will be
only
150,000 U.S. troops defending Germany from itself."-- Dave Barry 1992 Year
in Review
"March 8-- Seeking to reduce violence in the high schools, the New York
City
School Board, in a move strongly supported by the teachers, votes to ban
students."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"Marvel and Harvey Present: GHOST RIDER vs. CASPER THE DEADLY GHOST 2099"
--Mike Jittlov
"May 11-- True Item: United Airlines announces that it will serve
McDonald's food on more than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago's
O'Hare airport. May 15-- Damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United
Airlines pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a McDonald's
drive-thru window."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"May 14--Troubled American farmers, alarmed by the fact that it has been
nearly six months since anybody has held a star-studded benefit concert
for them, decide to have a drought."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"May 18--In Baton Rouge, the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, announcing that he has
been
forgiven by the Lord, returns to his pulpit, where he receives a
heartwarming
reception from approximately 300 billion locusts."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year
in
Review
"May 21-- In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East
Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia."--Dave
Barry 1992 Year in Review
"May 25-- A New York judge, after hearing extensive arguments from lawyers
for Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, awards custody of the children to Marge and
Homer Simpson."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"May 9--Former White House chief of staff Donald Reagan reveals in his
new book "Getting Even" that Nancy Reagan regularly used the Blue Room
for animal sacrifice. The first lady angrily denies the charge through
a White House spokespriest."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"Maybe if we belittle and ridicule you, young man, you'll get it into your
head
to do better!"--Mrs. Benem
"Maybe it was some kind of Plot Device. If he got superpowers from it, he
could move in with the Legion of Net.Heroes. No more orphanage food! No
more
curfews! Lots of large-breasted female superheroes! He dashed down the
subway entrance as fast as his hormones could carry him."--Dave Van Domelen
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone had
to
seek professional help."--Love from Guilt Trip episode of Amazing Stories
"Men have always avoided responsibility for birth control, because the main
option available to them is the condom, and males generally hate condoms.
This
hatred dates back to primitive times and the original stone condom, but it
persists to this day."--Dave Barry
"Mike [Godwin]'s a lot easier--you just point him in the right direction
and
say "Book! Go get the book!" and he's off baying."--Lisa S Chabot
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves
on a
rainy Sunday afternoon."-- Susan Ertz
"Mind you, if I were the fellow she made fun of, I'd be thinking thoughts
of
stretch-wrap, and butane torches, or perhaps cheese graters. Not, of
course,
that one should *act* on such impulses, but the desire to see a taunter
socially humilated, their friendships destroyed, their families
impoverished,
their cultures undermined, their continent dispoiled and their homeworld
baked
clean of all life, is only natural."----James Nicoll
"Moira just hit menopause, and gained her mutant power of bitchiness (hey,
mutant powers come on when the body changes--and that occurs at times
other than puberty, folks)."--Jim Drew
"More irregular verbs: I address the issues, you launch ad-hominem attacks,
he's a flaming maniac and should have his access pulled." --Dani Zweig
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up
reasons
for it afterwards."-- Soren F. Petersen
"Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation
can't
prolong!"--Monty Python
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain
Kirk."
--TV Guide description of Amok Time Trek episode.
"Much though I love the Archie books, there is no better way to find out
when a "hip" trend is dead than when it shows up in Archie."
--Dan Parmenter
"My *God*! He's eating that man's *head*!"
"It's *okay*, it's *okay*! I'm a *senator*!"--Matter-Eater Lad
"My Swiss army knife, which combines, in one convenient unit weighing no
more than a ladies' bowling ball, every kind of implement--screwdriver, can
opener, shrimp fork, egg slicer, marital aid, etc.--that you could ever
possibly use in the wilderness if only you could unfold these implements
with-
out breaking off all your fingernails, which you cannot."--Dave Barry
"My fur bristles; while I am incapable of comprehending the least fragment
of
what I have been shown, what little I understand overwhelms me, converts my
consciousness, making me something utterly unlike any Teddy that has
existed
before me or will exist after--I am the ueberbear--now and forever, I am
DARK TEDDY."--Dan'l Danehy-Oakes writing as Alan Moore at age 7
"My kids and I tried to draw lessons from THE LION KING, but all we could
come
up was: Buy Disney stock right before any animated feature opens wide."--
Libby Gelman-Waxner
"My newsgroup tis of thee, sweet posts of liberty, of thee I sing! Group
where no thread will die, home of my comments sly, and every post make I,
with
tongue in cheek!"-- Gary Lewandowski
"My niece can't get enough of Hacker Barbie's Dream Basement Apartment!
The pink Sun workstation in the corner, the little containers of takeout
Szechuan scattered across the floor, her `Don't Blame Me, I Voted
Libertarian'
t-shirt -- it's on every little girl's Xmas list!"-- Kurt Hemr
"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere."--Steven Wright
"My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the
band.""--Steven Wright
"My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant. Not something actively
destructive, but somone who irritates, who disorientates. Someone who
disrupts the daily drag of life just enough to leave the victim thinking
there's maybe more to it all than the mere humdrum quality of existence."
"NEW ORLEANS--Well, everybody here is just thrilled about the selection
of "Dan" Quayle as George Bush's running mate. The feeling is Quayle has
exactly the qualities needed to balance the ticket, namely: He is a white
male millionaire."--Dave Barry
"Nevertheless, a personal computer problem is just that-- personal. So it
does
not come under the etiquette rules of group disasters, in which voicing
community despair is a mutually rewarding activity, sometimes to the
exclusion
of any activity that might actually return things to normal."--Miss Manners
"New newsgroups are formed not on The Field Of Dreams theory- "if you build
it, they will come"- but on the Brooklyn Dodgers theory- "dammit, there's
too many teams in this city: someone move out!"--Charles Seaton
"Next time someone asks you if you're a god, SAY YES!!" [GHOSTBUSTERS]
"Ninety percent of all engineers are guys, so it's a bonanza of dating
opportunities for the ladies who enter the field. For the men, there are
these
little video game devices."
"Would I be allowed to date a non-engineer?"--Dilbert and elementary school
girl
"No deep-space meteors crashing down on our heads...no radioactive spiders
infecting our bloodstreams...no blasts of cosmic energy mutating our
cells...
at this rate we're *never* gonna be superheroes."
"O ye of little faith.."--Jason Fox and Marcus
"No matter how beautiful and well-crafted the writing, if the main
character
could drop dead on the next page and I would feel nothing then I am not
enjoying the book."--Laura Creighton
"No one can stop me, Zach!! I'm gonna torch this trash right now!!"
"But, Max! I *love* this one! It's so *cute*!"
"**CUTE**??? MY GOD, IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!!"--Max and Jenny
"No religion in r.a.c? You must be joking! Don't you find yourself on
friday
mornings thinking 'Dear God, Sim be thy name. Give us this day our Ralph
Snart, and kicketh Chadwick in the buttocks to write another Concrete.
Yea,
tho thou maketh me wade through rack and rack of Marvel trash I shall not
want, for I knowest there be good stuff elsewhere. And please please
please,
let there be a Kings in Disguise in today.'" --jim
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just
wish
it wasn't this one."--Adrian Veidt
"Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a
reasonable
hour."--Calvin's Dad
"Not god's gift to women... more of a consolation prize!!" (comedy routine;
what if Dating Game was a normal game show)
"Not that this has a damn thing to do with why *I* write MORIARTY REVIEWS:
I
do it because I have a wanking big ego!"--Moriarty
"Nothing kills Aunt May. Nothing. Not burglars, not mystery illnesses,
not
being confined to an iron lung, not falling (repeatedly!) into death's-door
comas . . . nothing. If Galactus were to finally consume the Earth, there
would be nothing left but a blackened husk, the ghosts of the
pitifully-slaughtered victims, Death . . . and Aunt May."--Randy Patton
"Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab equipment,
Norm.
... Yes, curiosity killed these cats."--The Far Side
"November 1 --The publishers of Batman comics, responding to a poll of
their
readers, kill Pee-wee Herman."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"November 13-- John Wayne Bobbitt goes on trial, and millions of men are
forced to go around with wads of cottons stuffed in their ears to avoid
hearing the phrase "cut off his penis," which is being broadcast
relentlessly,
by perky, cheerful female newscasters sounding even more cheerful than
usual."
--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"November 22-- On the 30th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's death, a Los
Angeles jury views the Zapruder film and concludes that the shooting was a
suicide."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"November 23--Nancy Reagan checks into the Imelda Marcos Clinic For Women
Addicted to Designer Clothing. The treatment will consist of listening
to condescending lectures from ghetto youths who will tell the first lady
about the very clever technique THEY use to avoid "borrowing" expensive
designer clothes and jewelry, namely, they 'just say no.'"--Dave Barry's
1988
Year in Review
"November 28--Canada elects an entire national government in less time than
it
takes a U.S. congressional candidate to order rally balloons."--Dave
Barry's
1988 Year in Review
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it
disintegrates, it disintegrates. [pulls trigger] Well, what you do know...
it
disintegrated."-- DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24-1/2 CENTURY!!
"Now you should buy some vegetable seeds, which are sold in little packets
with
attractive photographs on the covers to illustrate what your vegetables
will
not look like."--Dave Barry
"Now, for the LAST TIME, old man, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"
"And as I told you *already*, sir, I'm SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD OF IT!"
--villain and Uncle Max
"Now, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, I certainly hope you die soon."--Broadcast News
"Nowadays readers demand better pseudo-realism in their pseudo-science."
--Dani Zweig
"OK, here's another attitude: I think that people who collect comix solely
for
financial reasons have a separate level of Hell reserved for themselves
after
they die. I don't know for sure, but I'm trying to confirm it, because I
plan
to contribute to the construction fees."--Moriarty
"OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
Bang! ...crumple."--Jery Oltion
"October 16-- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is
the
complete transcript: ``MY turn!'' ``No, MINE!'' ``What?'' ``Doodyhead!''
``Weiner brain!'' ``Where am I?'' ``ARE TOO!'' ``AM NOT!'' ``What's
going on?'' ``Liar liar pants on fire!'' ``Nanny nanny boo-boo!'' ``Who
are these people?''"--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"October 21-- In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny beating trial,
after much thinking, concludes that Person A is not necessarily trying to
kill
Person B just because Person A happens to very deliberately bash Person B's
skull in with a brick. The verdict is applauded by scientists at the
Tobacco
Institute."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"October 23-- An indignant Attorney General Janet Reno warns the TV
industry
that it had better stop broadcasting displays of gratuitous violence such
as
the FBI raid on the Branch Davidian compound."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in
Review
"October 27--The Boston Red Sox win the World Series. (Sports Fans: Clip
this
item out and use it, years from now, to start fatal arguments.)"--Dave
Barry
"October 29-- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in
the
polls."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"Of course Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are more popular currently [5/92]
than Christ. Does Christ have a daily half-hour animated show? Does Christ
have an action figure line (cross, nails, 30 pieces of silver, and action
manger playset sold separately)? Does Christ have a comic book? (Well, OK,
if
Jack Chick is still in business then I guess he does...)"--tyg
"Of course, *real* zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other."
--Calvin
"Of course, removing all memories of Brenda Starr will leave some confusing
gaps in your view of the world."--Dr. Delores Pain in Brenda Starr
"Oh look, it's the new Madonna video. What's she going to do in this one?
Hmmm.
Goats....corpses....live yoghurt.... damn. Exactly the same as the last
one."
-- Al Crawford
"Oh no! It's too late! The Golden Age Megaton Man and my Megaton Man are
teaming up--I can tell by the dialogue!!"--Bad Guy
"Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet far beyond our
solar
system to devour us. Gaze and tremble, mortals. None can escape the wrath
of Ed
Smith, Lizard of Doom."--Cowboy Wally's Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom
"Oh, for heaven's sake... one tab of bad acid 10 years ago, and the rest of
one's life is spent mediating between dozens of separate personalities,
most of
them sordid and none of them with any table manners whatsoever."--Moriarty
"Oh, those TV 22 jerks wanna match news-gathering technology? We'll just
give 'em a taste of... THE ACTION 11 NEWS TEAM HELLFIRE GUIDED MISSLES!" --
The
Tick
"Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some
authority confirms it."--Calvin
"Oho, my sainted aunt, have I become a victim of brain fever, the curse of
academia...?"--Jonathan Crane
"Okay folks, here's your first question...What doesRING!" "SEX!"
"Beg pardon?" "SEX! SEX is the answer! SEX!SEX!SEX!"
"No, I'm afraid that's incorrect."
"Okay, the Magna Carta, then."--Cowboy Wally's Trivia Lotto
"Okay, look. Here's a real bargain. The laser cannon of truth, along with
the
ginsu knife of flexibilitiy and the screwdriver of cleverness, 499.95 plus
tax
and handling."--Diane Duane
"Okay, one last time...
This is Calvin...
This is Calvin on Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs...
Any questions?"--Jim Drew
"On Continuity & Continuity Addicts: "Think of it as the comic book
community's
contribution to keeping these people off the streets where they would
otherwise
meet like-minded company and spend their time trying to memorize Pi to ten
thousand decimal places.""--Dani Zweig
"On my planet there is a saying --the man who trusts can never be betrayed,
only mistaken."
"Life expectancy must be fairly short among your people."--Cally & Avon
"On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami."
--Hugh Gallagher
"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
--Dave Barry
"Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with
ropes
so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been
whipped
into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy
anything
small enough to stuff into a shopping bag."--Dave Barry
"One could wish this title came out more regularly. But if the price of
such regularity is a Lobo guest appearance, we're probably best off
settling for what we've got."--Dani Zweig
"One of my favorite games when I was a kid was 'murder/suicide.'
Dad would show us a photo and ask us, "Is it a murder or a suicide?"
--Colleen Doran
"One of my goals is to get an education, but it may be too late: I already
have
my PhD."--Frank and Ernest
"Or even worse, what if the depiction of Death in 'Bill and Ted's Bogus
Journey'
turns out to be the accurate one?"
"This would probably result in a) a lot of people getting another shot at
life and b) an incredible upswing in Parker Bros. stock."
--the vaudeville team of Dyer and Meyer
"Our next guest is a man who catches bullets in his mouth."
"BLAM!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, that's tomorrow night..."--Cowboy Wally
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too
dark
to read."--Groucho Marx
"PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is
no reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you
plan
to take a lot of drugs."--Dave Barry
"PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists
are
obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a
rat
to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to
do
the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a
doctor."
--Dave Barry
"Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies
will get you through times of no paranoia."--Pete Granger
"Patience, Hell!
Patience, Hell!
Patience, Hell!
We want to kill something!"--Nitrous Oxide
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize
how
hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."--Calvin
"People unclear on the concept All-Time Grand Champion Hall of Famer: 'Talk
about government waste! I paid my taxes *years* ago and to this day they
*still* send me the forms!'"--Mister Boffo
"People unclear on the concept..Grand Champion: 'Look, Hon, it's from the
IRS.
I wonder what we won this time?!'"--Mister Boffo
"Personally, I'd rather have my teen-age children acting like the main
characters in Omaha than the main characters in The Dark Knight Returns."
--Doug Moran
"Philosophers may be excused. They are allowed to take the view that the
above questions are too grubbily technical to concern them."--John McCarthy
"Pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
The
computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the
sprites
in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls
in
the marketing department."--unknown
"Please call your Marvel Recruiting Office right now. Remember: it's not a
job, it's a chance to do a commercial with Spike Lee."--Moriarty
"Please don't show Cupid using a switchblade knife, an illegal weapon. How
about an ax or chainsaw?"--Fox network's Broadcast Standards and Practices
Group, about material in the show "Eek the Cat!"
"Please note, however, that thanks to the vigilant efforts of the National
Rifle Association, you retain your constitutional right to shoot the flag."
--Dave Barry
"Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
officially changed to "Me Too"."--HappyNet rule infraction and punishment
per
Kibo
"Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
groups about fluffy puppies."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
"Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase "all things being
equal."
A. It is used to make sentences longer.
WRONG: "Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz."
RIGHT: "All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.""
--Dave Barry
"Quintidecimated: a new word for wiping out half"--tyg
"Reading news is an excercise in weeding signal from noise."--Scott McMahan
"Reading, editing or printing of this text without the express written
consent
of Major League Baseball is prohibited."--Ken Kubey
"Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing."--unknown
"Relationships are complex because they are part real, part imaginary."
--Martin F. Terman
"Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got, just so
long
as I tried my hardest. Right?"
"Well, you could certainly be trying harder than *this*!"
"So you admit you were lying?"--Calvin and Dad
"Remember this, foolish mortals, when ye stare headlong into the
mind-paralyzing void, the inky black nothingness of existence, the hellish
yawning maw of the abyss-- it's pretty damn dark, so give it a few minutes
for your eyes to adjust."--Frank Carrano '94 Bulwer-Lytton
"Remember, once you pull out the pin,
Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend."--Wimmmmllq
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
--Wernher von Braun
"Researchers in Fairbanks, Alaska in January 1989 announced they have a
superconductor which will operate at room temperature."--Donald Perley
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before."--Steven Wright
"SAVE US, Megaton Man! SAVE US!"
"PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!"
"THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!"
"MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man, MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!"--Megaton Man
"SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]"--JLI
"SPEED of LIGHTning...POW'R of THUNder...
FIGHTing ALL who ROB or PLUN-DER
UNderDOG...(Waaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-a)
UNderDOG...UN-DERDOG!" --Underdog theme
"Say hello to your unsavory pals, Max."
"Hello, unsavory pals! What's new?"
"We're going to eat you for dinner, Fuzzy."
"Tee Hee"--Sam and Max
"Say--isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot approaching at
about
Mach 8?"--random innocent bystander
"Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
poster predicted." Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules
"Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a proton accelerator
thinks
they can rule the world. No offense."--Race Bannon
"Seems to me that what we need to keep track of the DC Universe is not a
timeline but a spreadsheet..."--Samuel "Dr.Allosaurus" Crider
"Send in the stunt duck!"--Plucky Duck
"September 13--The Bush campaign hires the director of the popular "Friday
the
13th" movies to produce a series of issues-oriented campaign commercials."
--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"September 18--In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter
dash, the 200-meter hurdles, the pole vault, platform diving, table tennis
and
tae kwon do. "I felt very good today," says the Canadian athlete, although
not
in any recognizable language."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"September 2-- International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an
operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the
Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys ``R'' Us."--Dave Barry 1992
Year in Review
"September 21--In an important consumer breakthrough, R.J. Reynolds begins
test-marketing its new health-oriented product, "smokeless" crack."
--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review
"September 23-- In a major address, President Clinton announces that the
nation's current health-care system is bloated, inefficient, unresponsive,
overpriced, wasteful and stupid, and that therefore he wants to turn
control
of it over to the federal government."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review
"September 30-- Political observers begin to suspect that something is
afoot
when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as ``merely a gesture
of appreciation, with no strings attached,'' donates $750 million to the
Electoral College."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review
"September 4-- In another setback for the space program, NASA discovers
that
the service warranty has expired on the Mars Observer."--Dave Barry 1993
Year
in Review
"Seriously, fellow female netters, HOW could I possibly resist an
ancient Japanese traditionalist WARRIOR, who's also a HISTORY MAJOR,
watches VIDEOTAPES all night Saturday night, spends the REST of his
free time reading COMIC BOOKS, is an INCORRIGIBLE FLIRT, uses terms
like 'HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD', and has PRIVATES that he feels are
due the respectful title of NET.GOD!
I ask you!!"-- Jane Jensen, re Jerry Boyijian
"Seventeen arrests, seventeen convictions....maybe it is me."--Mister Boffo
"Sh-Sh-Shakespeare?"
"Th-Th-That's right!"--Phone repairman and The Badger
"She frowned at me in that special sort of way women look at men right
before
they apply the Freddy Kruger (TM) Press On Nails, and go for Soprano-Land.
I
shut up fast."--Thanatos
"She really wasn't my type -- a hard-looking, untalented reporter for the
local cat-box liner; but the first second that third-rate representative of
the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of Scotch, my sixth sense said
seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's 'Ninth
Symphony,' so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming
for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and while humming
'The
Twelfth Of Never,' I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth." --Buddy Ocheltree
winner 1993 Bulwer-Lytton contest
"Sheesh . . . just plant me in the ground, cover my head with Spam, and
round up the neighbors' weasels. Must be a Monday."--Lazlo Nibble
"Since the recently signed START agreement is over 700 pages of dense,
technical and largely unreadable prose about arcane weapon systems, there
has
naturally been some confusion over whether it is the new Tom Clancy novel.
It
is not. (For one thing, the sex scenes in the treaty are more convincing)."
--James Lileks
"Sir...Our cloaking shield is down!"
"WHAT?!"
"I said our cloaking shield is down."
"I heard you! That was a rhetorical 'what', you idiot!"--JLI
"Sixty thousand words of prose because of a single-bit error? Two
million eight hundred fifty-one thousand seven hundred fifty-two bits
because a 0 turned into a 1? Sheesh. No _wonder_ we're going to
need gigabit/sec networking within the decade..."--Lenny Foner on the
Suicide Squid archive
"So I asked my mother and father to get me that for christmas (They have
been kind enough to help me along with my addiction to comics just as long
as
I never got into drugs in high school-sort of a pact)"--Mike Simon
"So [Thomas Pynchon] wants a private life and no photographs and nobody to
know
his home address. I can dig it, I can relate to that (but, like, he should
try it when it's compulsory instead of a free-choice option)."-- Salman
Rushdie
"So go out and buy an issue. It's better than waking up in the middle of
the
night and, upon looking at the foot of your bed, seeing the tiny, ghostly
spectres of a Sea Monkey family staring back at you.
And aiming a crossbow at your head."--Jeff Meyer
"So it is possible for a humor-impaired person, through courage and
determination, to overcome his handicap, and maybe even someday, like Mr.
Nixon, attain the ultimate political achievement of not getting indicted."
--Dave Barry
"So now welcome our keynote speaker, Professor Melvin Fenwick-- the man
who,
back in 1952, first coined the now-famous phrase: `Fools! I'll destroy
them
all!'"--The Far Side
"So now you see there is memory that you can read and write, and read only
memory that you can read but not write. So bright students sometimes ask
if there is not such a thing as write only memory. Of course there is. It
is today's handout. I write it and you don't read it."
--an anonymous computer professor
"So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull
any
of this on people who generally carry weapons."--Dave Barry
"So the rest of this groundbreaking column will be closed-captioned for
the humor impaired. After each attempted joke, the humor element will
be explained in parentheses, so that you humor-impaired individuals can
laugh right along with the rest of us."--Dave Barry
"So they have professional writers supplying dramatic elements that are
missing from my writing, such as plots, characters and jokes that do not
involve the term 'toad mucus.'"--Dave Barry (no, not Rob Liefeld...)
"So we're not alone. Now I have to die-- *now*! Just when human history
promises to become interesting!"--Concrete's Mom
"So why don't you like school?"
"We don't read about dinosaurs."--Dad and Calvin
"So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom-- while being a very nice
guy-- is the *devil*. "--Broadcast News
"So," she said, and I could tell by the way she spoke the word that it had
quotation marks around it. "You're a young Southern lawyer resembling a
John
Grisham protagonist as much as possible without violating the copyright
laws."
"That's right," I replied. "Perhaps we can have sex."
"Not in the first chapter," she said.--Dave Barry's legal thriller
"Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them
a
chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper
headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS' BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUTS' instead
of
'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'."--Dave Barry
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the
old
brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."-- Bill Gates
"Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of
rule!
Only Stupendous Man can save the day!...Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil
archnemesis, Mom-Lady!"
"Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!?"--Calvin and Mom
"Some people have a life, and may not read as many books. Big deal."
--Jan Yarnot
"Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh. It will
probably be
one of thsoe deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling
maniacal
scream...but still it will be a laugh."--Mister Boffo
"Someone is computing pi to a billion places!"
"What do they expect to find in there?"
"The Saganic Verses!"--Bill Gosper and Richard Stallman
"Spare me, gentle knight! Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and several
attractive female teaching assistants."--Gary's fantasy from
thirtysomething
"Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
slogans on their body in huge script letters."--Leader Kibo's Happynet
Rules
"Spelling on Usenet is like dancing at the Republican National Convention;
badly executed, occasionally funny to watch, but for the most part
completely
ignored." -- Christian Wagner
"Stupidity is solo; it takes at least 2 to have a bureaucracy"--Tom
Galloway
"Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before
it is understood."--Fortunes
"Suicide Squid...lives...but...for...how long?!...How long?"
"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a sushi chef"
"Th' tentacles, they nae can take much more of this!"
"Fasinating...since it has no shoulders, the Vulcan nerve pinch is
ineffective"
"Suicide Squid was inwented in Mother Russia"
-- Dialogue from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Squid by tyg
"Sun Boy gave me a flying belt as consolation for not making the team. It's
the
Legion of Super-Heroes home game, that's what it is!"--Polar Boy
"Surrender!"
"And if we do?"
"I'll kill you!"
"And if we don't?"
"I'll kill you!"
"Tough choice."--JLI
"THE MIT LAW OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT ENVELOPMENT: Every program expands
until
it can read mail."--unknown
"THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO: `I dunno. What do you wanna do?'"-- Sharon
O'Neil
"THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say: "That's interesting."
What They Mean: "Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that
before.""
--unknown
"THINGS YOU WILL NOT NEED TO KNOW IN LATER LIFE (1,998 HOURS). These are
the
things you learn in classes whose names end in-ology,-osophy,-istry,-ics,
and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in
little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you
become a
professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life."--Dave
Barry
"TOP TEN CHANGES TO THE CZECH CONSTITUTION:
2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia & Rice Czechoslovakia"
--David Letterman
"Take a moment to consider the way the world's truly successful people
dress.
They dress like mental patients. Your prime example is Prince Charles.
Here
is one of the world's top princes, if not *the* top prince, yet he is
constantly showing up in public wearing ludicrous Sergeant Pepper-style
outfits
featuring hats with enormous feathers."--Dave Barry
"Take this cross and garlic -- here's a Mezuza in case he's Jewish -- a
page of
the Koran if he's Muslim... and if he's a Zen Buddhist, you're on your
own."
--Badger on killing vampires
"Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you will consider us again when
your travel plans next include bombing Baghdad."--unknown
"That is not the USENET tradition, but it's a solidly-entrenched
delusion now."-- br...@ucsd.Edu (Brian Kantor)
"That is one of the Laws of USENET, up there with `You can tell when a
USENET
discussion is getting old when someone drags out Hitler and the Nazis.'"
-- David Goldfarb
"That was a great speech. Every thinking American will vote for you."
"That's not enough. I need a majority."--Mo Udall
"That's the movies, Ed; try reality."
"No, thanks."--Northern Exposure
"That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing
mucus on you. Let's go watch TV."--Calvin
"That's the trouble with `mindless slaves'... they're, well, *mindless*!"
--Benton Quest
"That's the world of the '90's. Too many Supermen. Not enough Clark
Kents."
--Jules Feiffer
"The American Psychiatric Association cites 'Disorder of Written
Expression'
as code 315.2 in its _Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders_.
... its symptoms include 'poor use of grammar or punctuation, sloppy
paragraph organization, awful spelling'. Now they think they can stop the
Internet by having us all declared insane."--Vicki Richman
"The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane". This had to be
changed after a trademark dispute-- it seems that after the release of the
hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane" name was given to the
company
that manufactures the cheap plastic toys that come in McDonald's Happy
Meals.
The name "B2" was then chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to
congress. Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move."
--Usenet Oracle
"The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some thought
that
this name might send the wrong message to US Armed Forces pilots. A
compromise was made by naming the aircraft after the nearest key to the
"Escape" key on the Oval Office keyboard."--Usenet Oracle on aircraft names
"The Frat Rat of the Universe realizes that With Great Power Comes Great
Need
to Practice Birth Control."--Moriarty
"The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that
for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -- Andrew Brown
"The Internet, a sort of cooperative on-line computer service, is a lot
like
the Masons. They don't advertise, you have to know somebody to get in...
and the members communicate by means of obscure signs and rituals."
--Cecil Adams
"The Preflight Safety Lecture on Air Dave will consist of five minutes of
intensive harmonica instruction."--Dave Barry
"The Sunday comic is always Mark Trail wandering around the woods,
explaining why squirrels bury nuts and stuff, while the daily is a sort of
outdoorsy soap opera. (This confused the hell out of me when I first saw
it,
because I had been reading the Sunday strip for years and never saw the
daily
where I grew up- kind of like finding out Herbert S. Zim was actually
Batman.)"--David Farley
"The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame."-- Chuq Von Rospach
"The best example of this is in the Scooby-Doo episodes. Every week the
kids
would pull the rubber mask off of someone trying to scare people away, but
they never lost their infantile belief in ghosts and monsters. You'd think
at
some point they would have said, `Gee, do you think that might just be the
amusement park owner who is pretending to be the ghost of Gustav Mahler so
he
can scare everyone away and buy up the zinc-laden swampland cheaply?
Someone
go over and pull on his face.'"-- Lance Smith
"The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
and
all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women.
Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at
twenty-one than you did at ten."--Jules Feiffer
"The bottom line is, if you truly want to present a business wardrobe image
that makes the all-important fashion statement: 'I look exactly like
everybody
else in American business,' you damn well better dress the way John T.
Molloy
says you should."--Dave Barry
"The city, 1:00am. People in their rooms, asleep, lonely, depressed. One
of them gets the urge to pet a small, furry animal. That's where I come
in.
My name's Friday. I carry a badger."--unknown
"The collected Bakker history should inspire us all to become true
believers in
a supreme higher power that made sure, out of the five billion people in
this
world, that these two creeps found each other."-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
"The comics probably come from Earth-Prime. It was devastated by a nuclear
war
but I expect some of the comics survived. Collectors always make sure their
comics will survive."--Psycho-Pirate
"The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not be
permitted.... Under no circumstances will either side reveal that it
hammered
out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine years arguing the
Monty-Hall-and-the-three-doors problem... In order to reduce risk of
accidental war, both sides agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon
Says'
training drill at nuclear launch sites."
--Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
"The day is saved, but having removed Bean-Hill-Influence Lad's great
weakness,
the writer has pencilled himself into a corner. The character is now too
powerful to live. He dies saving the galaxy againt the Yellow String Bean
Men
of Altrax 49 three issues later."--Tim Maroney
"The difference between philosophy and religion: If you have an argument
over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs."--
Unknown
"The dirty dogs! I'll clean up the whole pack! But first, I'll disguise
myself
with these spare Clark Kent glassses I always carry in my cape in case
Superboy
needs them! Hmm...I'll need a new name, too!"--Krypto (Hey, I'd be fooled
if
my dog suddenly started wearing my spare glasses and responded to a
different
name...)
"The ex-weightlifter/director started the rehearsals by telling us, 'Okay,
ve
gonna be baroque composers in dis one; you be Telemann, you be Vivaldi, and
I'll be Bach.'"--Richard Patching winner, Vile Pun, '94 Bulwer-Lytton
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Then the dentists,
then
the has-beens who've appeared on the Love Boat."-- Roger X. Carasso
"The funny thing about him was, he always wore a toupee. Don't ask me why.
No one ever saw his head under that hood"--The Red Mask
"The good news is we got the charges reduced to meter feeding. The bad news
is
you'll be the first man in this state to be executed for a parking
violation."
--Mr. Boffo
"The great tragedy of science, the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly
fact.--Thomas Henry Huxley
"The judge is holding you in contempt"
"What do you mean?"
"He hates your guts."--Cowboy Wally
"The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable
rock
or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it
has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root,
it
doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it. It's rather like getting
tenure." --Daniel Dennett
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a word
processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"--
Roy
Blount, Jr.
"The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise
and
apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation." ---Lew Mammel, Jr.
"The other option is "you're not my real parents! My real parents are
rich,
and famous, and love each other!" (or are from Krypton)."--Kevin Maguire
"The perils of ambulatory reading. If you have never said "Excuse me" to a
parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you are probably wasting
too
much valuable reading time."--Sherri Chasin Calvo
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who
have not got it."-- George Bernard Shaw
"The problem with Congress is that 90 percent of us are giving the
rest of us a bad name".--Sen. Don Coats (R- Ind)
"The problem, of course was that even though the information was coming a
lot
faster, the vast majority of it, having originated with human beings, was
still wrong. Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway
was
essentially CB radio, but with more typing."--Dave Barry
"The problems started back during the Reagan administration, which had so
many
ethics problems that, to save time, high-ranking officials were being sworn
in
and indicted in one combined ceremony."--Dave Barry
"The public seems incapable of distinguishing between your garden variety
idiot
and your genuine lunatic. It is the same confusion the public has had over
the
last five Presidents."--Mark Leeper
"The question is (drumroll please) Where is the Marvel Universe?"
"Second star to the left, and straight down the tubes."
--Henri Fortuin and Chris Jarocha-Ernst
"The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously."
-- Hubert H. Humphrey
"The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon
and
hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you
to
come up with the same answer he and all other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this."--Dave Barry
"The technical term for a place on a trivia team that has Galloway and
Drew is 'sinecure'"--Dani Zweig
"The technique he used was Power Wistfulness. Remember the old comic strip
Dondi, starring the little syndicated orphan boy who always looked
heartbreakingly sad and orphanous and never got adopted, possibly because
he
had eye sockets the size of manhole covers? Well, my son looked like that."
--Dave Barry
"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey
their
children."-- Duke of Windsor
"The trick here is to put things into perspective. Ask yourself: Does it
really matter, long-term, if this guy butts in line in front of you? Is it
really more important than serious world problems such as Ethiopia or the
Greenhouse Effect? Yes. No question. You don't even know where Ethiopia
is."
--Dave Barry
"The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is
quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before
you
punched it in the nose?"--Tom Carey
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."--unknown
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so
certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."-- Bertrand
Russell
"Then again, war is an excellent form of arms reduction. Which is why I've
always feared the day the president announced the U.S. and U.S.S.R. have
decided to get rid of their nuclear arsenals entirely. Those would be just
the
words a politician would use as the bombs began to fall." --James Lileks
"There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault
of
their own, are sane."--Monty Python's Flying Circus
"There are no Famous People on the net. Only some of us with bigger mouths
than others."--Dan'l Danehy-Oakes, The Roach
"There are plenty of other examples of highly successful people who dress
absurdly: Mick Jagger, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Ronald McDonald, to
name
just three. And of course you can't find a really successful world
religious
leader who doesn't wear a comical outfit."--Dave Barry
"There are three things I've learned not to discuss with people: Religion,
Politics, and the Great Pumpkin."--Linus Van Pelt
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
-- Henry Kissinger
"There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with
the
possible exception of the sword."--Benjamin Dana
"There is a similar story for the naming of the 747. Boing was going to
call
it the "666", that is until the marketing department vetoed it. A
compromise
was made by subtracting 2 from the middle digit and redistributing it to
the
first and third digits, thus disguising the Number of the Beast while
keeping
its palindromic and digit-sum properties."--Usenet Oracle
"There is no Bear but Yogi, and Booboo is his servant."--unknown
"There will be no mutant in-flight "food" served on Air Dave. At mealtime,
the
pilot will simply land- on an interstate, if necessary- and take everybody
to
a decent restaurant."--Dave Barry
"There's MARVEL PREMIERE which features `Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..."
-- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976
"There's always something to see and do at the Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump
Interpretive Centre, and this summer is no exception," states an official
schedule. I have called the centre, and when they answer the phone, they
say,
very politely- I absolutely swear this is true- "Head Smashed In, may I
help
you?" And the scary part is, I think maybe they *can*."--Dave Barry
"There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy
to
use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how
to
use my telephone."-- B. Stroustrup, AT&T, (inventor of C++)
"There's not one law in the entire criminal code that says it's illegal to
shoot a squid!"--Uncle Sid
"There's obviously been some mistake. Nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You
can't
get the insurance."--Calvin
"There's one thing you need to be able to really enjoy this comic, and
that's
a sizable head wound."--Dave Van Domelen
"There's something about three days in Disneyland that makes Usenet
look. . .normal. That's not the word I want."--Rebecca Leann Smit Crowley
"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own
business."--Ralph Noble
"They even let Donald Trump have an airline, which he immediately renamed
after
himself, as is his classy practice despite the fact that "Trump" sounds
like
the noise emitted by livestock with gastric disorders. ("Stand back, Earl!
That cow's starting to Trump!")"--Dave Barry
"They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they even laughed at Edison.
But
this was genuine, heartfelt laughter...robust rolling waves of it, from
deep
down...the kind where you know they really mean it."--Joe Martin
"They want to see people hurting each other! Why do you think the world's
the
way it is? That's all they *ever* want!"--Psycho-Pirate
"They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
back
in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out of its
twelfth story apartment, an crushed six innocents in an insane bid for
freedom."--Detective Murdoch
"They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as `Rocky's Greatest
Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved."-- Jay Leno
"Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published
every
day, like those of a baseball player." --Anonymous
"Things could be worse."
"We have a suggestion box."--Mister Boffo and demon in hell.
"Think how empty the world would be without music. What would we do with
jukeboxes? What would be the highlight at wedding receptions? Having the
bride and groom get out on the floor and shoot some skeet?"--Dave Barry
"Think of Crisis as a warm boot [Ctrl-Alt-Delete], which =looked= like it
might fix everything, but didn't. What was really needed was to do a cold
boot [power down, pause, power up]. Of course the =real= solution would be
to debug the system."--Todd VerBeek
"This book should not be set lightly aside, but hurled, with great force"
--Dorothy Parker
"This country may no longer be capable of manufacturing anything more
technologically sophisticated than breakfast cereal, but by God when it
comes
to advertising, we are still--and I mean this sincerely--No. 1."--Dave
Barry
"This film failed miserably at the box office, once again proving Cowboy
Wally
to be a progressive visionary and ahead of his time."--Cowboy Wally
"This had better be important! I'm smack in the middle of an especially
meldramatic monologue!"--Manga Khan
"This handout is not produced for your erudition but merely so I can
practice
the TeX word-processor." [Cambridge University Math Dept.]
"This is a job for....somebody else."-Plucky Duck
"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
"This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend SOMEbody!"
-- John Adams, 1776
"This is the Ivy Covered Halls of Higher Learning! We have a mission for
you!
Drop everything and proceed at once to Ann Arbor!"--Megaton Man
"This is why psychologists recommend, when you feel your anger getting out
of
control, that you practice a simple yoga technique: Imagine that you're in
a
peaceful, quiet setting such as a meadow, then take a deep breath, then
exhale
slowly, then gently s-q-u-e-e-z-e that trigger. See how much better you
feel?
In Advanced Yoga, we use grenades."--Dave Barry
"This is why, when we build a major weapon, rather than build it all in one
place, we assemble it from tiny Chiclet-sized pieces, each one manufactured
in
a key district or state, always including West Virginia, home of Sen.
Robert
"I'm Not A Large Albino Ferret, But I Play One On C-Span" Byrd (D-Pork)."
--Dave Barry
"This kind of restaurant is the ideal place to learn the rules of dining
etiquette ("etiquette" itself is a French word, meaning "wrong fork")."
--Dave Barry
"This must be the Red Sox' year. Statistics of the last 75 years prove that
the Sox always win the World Series one year after a Russian revolution."
--Dan Shaughnessy (1992 provided an extension that states they either
win the World Series or finish last in their division)
"This reminds me of the Star Trek episode where the transporters
malfunction
and Captain Chekov is trapped---"
"That's Captain Kirk."
"Not in the U.S.S.R."--Rocket Red and Captain Atom
"This single episode increase the ratings of the show to such a degree that
the following episodes were shown without commercials because no one could
afford the advertising rates. The show was canceled two weeks later."
--Cowboy Wally's Late Night Celebrity Showdown
"This was when the news media and the scientific community were engaging in
one
of their periodic joy spasms over Voyager 2, the plucky little robot
spacecraft
that travels through the galaxy beaming back the exciting news that every
planet it encounters is basically The Toxic Waste Dump From Hell."--Dave
Barry
"This, of course, is your risk to take. We are not responsible for the
actions
of any moron who looks to cartoon characters for guidance"--Milk & Cheese
"Those alarm things that make a real loud honking kind of noise were going
off
as Captain James Hurley stared at the screen that showed him the stuff
outside
in space, while he sat in the chair that the captain sits in and slowly
reached for the control panel for the thing that makes the ship go real
fast."
--Tom Butler, 1993 Bulwer-Lytton contest sf winner
"Those guys are giving you the evil eye. What's up?"
"I used to do movie reviews in town. They never forgave me for liking Flash
Gordon."
"You must be nuts. I liked it too."--Badger and Baron
"Timmy, how are you doing with that new Reading program, 'Hooked On
Demonics'?"
"ThErE Is nO TiMmY -- ThErE Is OnLy zUuL!!!" -- Zog Archer
"Tinya is a Legionnaire, her heart is pure, her mind is fair
But Enya lets the good times roll, a credit makes her lose control
What a crazy pair!
But they're cousins . . . Bgztlian cousins, all the way
They look alike they fight alike
And certainly they phase alike
Jo could lose his mind!
When cousins . . . are two of a kind!"--Chris McCubbin
"Tipper and some other concerned federal mothers decided to hold a hearing,
which produced the single greatest moment in recent federal legislative
history
when Susan Baker, wife of the current secretary of state, in an effort to
illustrate the seriousness of the situation, spelled out the "f"-word to
the
Senate Commerce Committee? Don't you wish you had that on videotape?"
--Dave Barry
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."--Woody Allen
"To sleep! Perchance to sleep through class tomorrow...
Ay, there's the rub. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows
Of lethargic lectures, or to take sleep over the series of seminars, and by
doing so, flunk them."--Christopher Davis
"To tell the truth, I don't think I would've chosen a dark, drippy cave as
a
clubhouse for a group of borderline depressive teen-agers, Polar Boy."
--Chlorophyll Kid
"Tod, are you at the ice box again?"
"Yes, Mom, doing homework requires a lot of energy (not to mention fighting
the
Viet Cong!)"--Tod Holton, Super Green Beret
"Today, we're going to talk about how you can get involved in the
fascinating
and rewarding hobby of genealogy, which is the study of people named
"Gene.""
--Dave Barry
"Tolerating intolerance is not a virtue."--Barry Shein
"Tom and Jerry 2099. The cat and the mouse are still at it. Now they both
have big guns! Watch as they level entire cities with their high jinks."
--Lance Smith
"Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line
between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow."--The Cook's Dictionary
"Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers
but
no questions...yet able to deliver an occasional delightful surprise."
--Brenda Starr
"Too much yoga: 'Muriel..What's that thing your uncle always says when he
its
his finger with a hammer?'"--Mister Boffo
"Trouble: Charles Manson"
"REAL Trouble: His evil twin"--Mister Boffo
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence."
-- Henrik Tikkanen
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing."--Sledge Hammer
"Trust me. You look like...like...Astro Boy."
"*All Right*! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!" Hobbes and Calvin
"Try as he might, Guido Smith could not get into the spirit of Oktoberfest
this year; his laissez-faire cum manana attitude made him want to say
sayonara
to the whole shebang."--Marc Roberge, 1993 Bulwer-Lytton multicultural
winner
"Tumescence of the sexual organ is probably the only condition where
rubbing
it makes it better. Kissing it to make the hurt go away also helps, but
not
as much."--Torsten Adair
"Tyg is always right. I will listen to tyg. I will not ignore tyg's
recommendations. tyg is god. And if this ever happens again, tyg will
personally rip your lungs out."--suggested r.a.c. mantra, adapted from
Ivanova's Babylon 5 mantra
"USENET is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being hit
by lightning."-- James 'Kibo' Parry
"USENET is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read"--Joshua
Heller
"Uh oh. It's the taste police."--Batman
"Um, we were wondering. If we, say, for instance, oh...just left, would you
guys consider that 'trying something'?"
"Oh, YEAH. If you leave, that'd be escaping. Clearly grounds for us to beat
you
up."--Damage Control vs. the New Warriors
"Under Canadian Law, adult comicbook readers, having committed the sin of
not
judging a medium by the products within it meant for children or teenagers,
must ring a bell as they walk, crying out 'Unclean! Unclean!' and that puts
off most people. That and the little squid they make us wear on all our
clothes warns real adults not to talk to us."--James Nicoll
"Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will
most
likely end up supporting himself by working on university research projects
or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates."--Steve
Connelly
"Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five
miles
of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under
federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain
stores."--Dave Barry
"Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this Earth, but now I
know...To buy that comic book!"--Bart Simpson
"Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. "And it would have
worked if
it weren't for those meddling kids... ". "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise
for the singing of our National Anthem... ". "Please phrase your question
in
the form of an answer... "" -- From Peter Dutton's 148 Things (Not) To Do
Or
Say At Or For Your Thesis Defense
"Usenet is a way of being annoyed by people you otherwise never would have
met." -- John J. Kinyon
"Usenet is not a right." "Usenet is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp
uppercut to the jaw. The postman hits! You have new mail. "-- Ed Vielmetti
&
Chip Salzenberg
"Usenet is the equivalent of an old west saloon. Certain strong
personalities
tend to dominate, and every so often somebody says something that becomes
the
electronic equivalent of that moment when the piano player stops playing
...
people look over their shoulders slowly...one guy slowly gets up...and
there's
the sound of chairs being pushed hurriedly away and the stampeding of
non-combatants getting out of the way. The only difference is, imagine the
two duelists facing each other...and everybody else in the bar is tossing
spitballs at them from corners of the room."--Peter David
"WHAT IF The Batman(tm) had become... A Psychiatrist? "A treatise on the
collective unconscious crashes through the window! 'I shall become... a
Jungian!'""--Jeff Meyer
"War is peace. Freedom is slavery. _Wolverine_ is meaningful"--captkidd
"Watching the PTL Club was like watching a mutant version of Wheel of
Fortune,
where Pat Sajak and Vanna White won all the prizes."--Dave Barry
"We all know that cats land on their feet if you throw them up in the
air. And we know that the buttered side of the bread always falls
face down. So what happens when you butter the back of a cat? Does it
stick to the ceiling?"--Meesh Hell
"We are simple people, sahib. We sing. We dance. We shoot on sight."
"There it is: a summary of r.a.c.m. in thirteen words."
--Andrew Farrell and Ted Faber
"We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin."
"We don't? Not any?"
"Nope."
"How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?" Mom and Calvin
"We expect [Salvadorian officials] to work toward the elmination of human
rights."---Dan Quayle
"We had a better class of bastard in the old days, that's for sure."
--The Red Mask
"We had been married long enough that Fifi's burning gaze and flaring
nostrils
told me _exactly_ what she wanted, so I hurriedly peeled off her tight
satin
dress, dispatched her lacy French brassiere with a flick of the wrist, her
garter belt became a 'ringer' on the furthest bedpost, and as I sent her
imported silk stockings arcing gracefully into the laundry hamper, I
dropped
to my knees and promised never, _never_ to go into town wearing her clothes
again."--William "Buddy" Ocheltree '94 Bulwer-Lytton
"We have a president who has not the slightest clue about how a U.S. city
dweller lives. This is a man who has never in his life had to use a public
service: not a public school, or a public beach, or a public park, or a
public
bus or a public subway system. He has not so much as walked alone on a
public
sidewalk for the past 10 year. He is not accosted by panhandlers; no street
urchin ever tries to wipe his windshield. He is not ungenerous--but the
only
homeless person he has ever met personally is the emir of Kuwait."--Lars-
Erik
Nelson
"We have seen pictures [of Mars] where there are canals, we believe, and
water.
If there is water that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe."--Dan "in charge of the National Space Commission" Quayle
"We have to hurry!"
"You're the one driving Mad Dog! I can't sit here and be a passenger any
faster than this!"--Mad Dog and Buddy
"We know that primitive man felt anger, as is evidenced by the deep kick
marks
that archeologists have found in prehistoric vending machines."
--Dave Barry
"We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just as we
cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my knees
and
give thanks at every opportunity)."--Dave Barry
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we
don't like?"-- Jean Cocteau
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."--Jack Handey
"We understand the importance of the bondage between parent and child."
---Dan Quayle
"We'd make a great couple--we already can't stand each other. It would
save
us about ten years of marriage."--Steven Lee Pearson
"We're Americans-- with a capital 'A'! And do you know what that means?
Do
you? It means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country
in
the world."--Bill Murray
"We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be
beating up
on people."-- Sugar Ray Leonard
"We're all words on a page. I just thought you ought to know."--Mad Hatter
"We're ashamed because Batman can never equal Beethoven.."--Zippy
"We're giving you a budget of 10 million. The thing is, for tax reasons we
need
this movie by the end of the fiscal year."
"Sure. When's that?"
"Next Friday."--Cowboy Wally
"We're in big trouble!"
"Think positive, Helpermier!"
"*You're* in big trouble."--Mister Boffo
"We're moving again. We're not going far: Maybe two miles, as the heat-
seeking
radar-equipped South Florida Stealth Mosquito flies. It's hard to explain
why
we're doing this. Call it a crazy whim. We just woke up one morning and
said,
"I know! Let's put everything we own into boxes!""--Dave Barry
"We've decided to hear what you think would be an appropriate punishment."
"What I think?"
"Yes."
"How about strapping me in front of the tv and forcing me to eat chocolate
chip
cookies?"--Fox Trot
"We've got bad news and worse news. First the bad news: A UNC-CH poll
showed
that as many as one in five Southerners believes 'The South would be a lot
better off if it had won the War Between the States. Now the worse news: A
private survey found that South Carolina has more nuclear warheads than any
other state."--Lew Powell
"Welcome to College Bowel, the varsity sport of the gastro-intestinal
tract"
--Bruce Baugh
"Well I'm sorry, but those flimsy excuses don't cut any ice with me.
Nothing
cuts any ice with me. I don't even understand what that expression means."
--Dave Barry
"Well, Clarissa no longer seems to be contagious, but she may well have
spread
the Megaton Man Syndrome to an unsuspecting college campus, I'm afraid!!!
Without the proper antidote, the University of Michigan will become the
University or Megaton Man...!" --Professor Levitch
"Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his
clothes."
--Calvin's Mom.
"Well, I wrote the book on rough. ...And I wrote the foreword!! And, I
posed
for the dust jacket photo...And, I read it on tape, in a 'Books for the
Blind'
edition...And I did a sixteen city promotional signing tour!! So there!!"
--Mad Dog
"Well, Zoiks! Let's take off his mask and see who he is. [...] Hey, there's
nothing under here but a neck and some tendons." -- Mighty Mouse (Bakshi
style)
"Well, all my childhood friends had Erector Sets, and I happen to know for
a
fact that, in addition to the recommended educational projects such as the
Truck, the Crane, and the Carrousel, it was possible to build the Bug
Pulper,
the Worm Extender, and the Gears of Pain."--Dave Barry
"Well, here we are in the Phillipines!"
"Drawn without reference material, apparently."--Sam and Max
"Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say 'commit the man.'"
--The Secretary of Defense from BUCKAROO BANZAI
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you
believe?!"--Bullwinkle J. Moose
"Well, it's obvious to me that the EYE OF MONGOMBO is not what the public
wants! I will concede to the majority; I am a reasonable man! *I QUIT
FUCK
YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU*!!!"--THE EYE OF MONGOMBO
"Well, speaking as your doctor, transplanting the adrenal glands of a sick
Doberman Pinscher, one who was dying of alpha-proton radiation sickness no
less, into your own body was not a smart thing to do."--Mad Dog
"Well, what do you want? This is Hell we're talking about, not Club Med.
You've
got to expect things to be a little run down."--Stig's Inferno
"Well, when *I* was young, we didn't have newspapers. Hell, we didn't even
have
paper. All we had were cave paintings! Have you ever tried to store a
reasonable size collection of cave paintings? Just moving the caves around
to
sort them into hieroglyphic order was a hassle like you wouldn't believe."
-- tyg
"What I want is a 'Get Out Of Work Free' card."--Tim Illington
"What all prayers boil down to is 'Please God, alter the natural laws of
the
universe in my favor'."--unknown
"What breakfast cereal has had the greatest influence on your life?" #55
The
Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"How long a list would you like?"--Vila & Avon
"What do I care for the C.I.A. Director's tawdry affairs? I'm on the trail
of
Satan himself!"--Deadman
"What do any of us want, Mr. Shelley? A decent standard of living, a little
respect, a quarter ton of chocolate mousse."--Mister Nobody
"What do you mean, 'Is that it?' I'll have you know that lighting up lots
of
different colors is too a valuable power! And it's not all I do, either!
I...I also skate!"--Dazzler
"What good is a rule if you are going to make exceptions to it?"--Groo
"What is the name of the hero Billy Batson transforms into when he says his
magic word, 'Shazam'?"
"Gomer Pyle."--Double Dare
"What this means, in technical terms, is that on the international currency
exchanges, the dollar is kicking some monetary butt. Traders are blowing
their
noses on the franc and the pound."--Dave Barry
"What was the name of the dog on the `Brady Bunch'?"
"...Florence Henderson?"--Remote Control
"What'll it be next? Choice extracts from the Oxford Dictionary of
Quotations?
Trotting out the Nietzsche and the Shelley and the Shakespeare to dignify
some
old costumed claptrap?"--Grant Morrison
"What's a codpiece?"
"It makes you look bigger."
"Oh, like pinstripes."--Cowboy Wally
"What's going on here!?"
"We're strip mining ytterbium!"
"Ytterbium!? But that's one of the rarest minerals on Earth!"
"Only 'cause we dug it all up here in the past!"--Zot in dimension 10 1/2
"When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if i'm leaving."
--Steven Wright
"When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third;
I
went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance
between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge."
--Steven Wright
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"
I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes.""--Steven WRight
"When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is
possible,
he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible,
he
is very probably wrong."--Arthur C. Clarke
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"--David
Parnas
"When congressman Newt Gingrich was a graduate student at Tulane University
I
baptized him by immersion into the membership of the St. Charles Avenue
Baptist Church. Perhaps I didn't hold him under long enough."-- (The Rev.)
G. Avery Lee
"When i was young we didn't have computers.
we had abacuses.
BIG abacuses."--M. Legare
"When it's time to change seats: 'Bite one more of my fingers off and say
goodbye to your other eyeball!'"--Mister Boffo
"When modern life seems hectic and depressing, preserved historic things
serve
as a reminder that once, not so very long ago, there was a quieter time, a
time
that was far less hectic but infinitely more depressing inasmuch as people
had
to go to the bathroom in unheated outbuildings in the dead of winter."-
D.Barry
"When visiting Washington, D.C. recently, President-elect Clinton gave a
homeless man a quarter. The man commented that he'd voted for Clinton for
change, and that's just what he'd gotten."--Capitol Steps
"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges."--Jack Handey
"When you're God, you find your little jokes go down rather well."--God,
the
Ultimate Autobiography
"When you're in love it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your
life."
-- Richard Lewis
"When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb."-- Steve
Haflich
"When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by
distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great
fevor
and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all,
probably right."--Isaac Asimov
"When, where, how, why, and what?"
"And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise."
--Guillermo P. and the Usenet Oracle
"Whenever I hear the Four Seasons' `Walk Like a Man,' I want to
scream, `Frankie, SING like a man!'" --Dave Barry bad song contest
"Where do these people come from? Is there an agency out there that reads
the
Net and says "oops, not enough morons on this newsgroup" and then assigns
some
slack-jawed inbred grit-eatin' stooge to gum up the works?"--Jim Cowling
"Whereas you never see a human female stop on the sidewalk and turn to a
mouth-sound-emitting male and, her voice husky with passion, tell him: 'My
God,
when I hear you suck really loud on your crooked, tartar-laden upper front
teeth, I am filled with such desire that I must take you *immediately* to a
nearby luxury hotel and put the room on *my* Visa card.'--Dave Barry
"While I'd hardly say I'm morally bankrupt, you could probably make
a good case for me being in moral receivership."--Richard Sexton
"Whirlwinds are terribly destructive events, taking regions which are
orderly and turning them into wastelands, causing great amounts of
bloodshed, property damage, and human suffering, so I think they make great
models for romance and ill-considered marriages."--James Nicoll
"Who IS this mysterious masked man? And why has he never been photographed
together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin?"--C&H
"Who the hell are you and what the hell do you know about all this?"
"I do wish you would watch your language, Captain Atom. I find it most
disturbing. You are, after all, a so-called 'super-hero', a role model for
our
youngsters..."
"You're right, of course...So who the *heck* are you?!?!?"--JLE
"Why did people respond to the Bakkers this way? How could such a
grasping,
shallow and flagrantly self-absorbed couple manage to acquire such a large
and
fervent following? One widely accepted answer, of course, is that the
followers had the same average intelligence as margarine."--Dave Barry
"Why does everything have to have a bright side? Isn't is possible to just
screw something up, not learn anything, and be miserable?"
"Sure, what do you think college was all about?" --Doctor Doctor
"Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?"
--Hobbes
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"--Steven
Wright
"Why, I even heard the secret of the universe was printed in one issue of
'Grit', but nobody ever read the damn thing."--Major Honey
"Why, whenever I feel a little bit down, I just think of the lovely,
sensitive
poetry of Leonard Nimoy..."--Major Honey
"With persistence, clear thinking, and the proper chain saws,
you can do anything." --An Unnamed Marine Biologist
"Words are ugly when they travel in packs"--Hightower
"Worst Defense Award: I thought he was a pinata."--Mister Boffo
"Worst piece of military strategy award: mime front line giving the enemy
the
impression of an invisible impenetrable wall."--Mister Boffo
"Would someone please explain to me why the triumph of Evil is always
accompanied by ugly, skimpy and non-functional clothing, an exponential
increase in power, and a total failure of intellect?"--Dani Zweig
"Would you add a year to your life if it meant taking a year away from the
life
of some other person? Ok, what if the other person was Geraldo Rivera?"
#24 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"Would you be willing to personally cut off Bambi's legs with a chainsaw if
it
meant that there would never be another used car lot in the world?" #72 The
Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"Would you dance naked in Macy's front window to save the whales? What
about
the snail darter? Is it because whales are bigger?" #85 The Book of Stupid
Questions, Tom Weller
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could cut through all this red tape and just
beat it
out of you?"--IRS auditor in Mister Boffo
"Writer of Technical Manuals and other Science Fiction!"--ArJay Kimmel
"Writers, by definition, have tremendous egos. Because a writer is someone
who
says, 'Look at me! What I have to say is so important that it deserves to
be
written down and preserved and have my name on it for future generations to
mull over!'"--Harlan Ellison
"Writing Tip #5: Visualization. Your readers will need help visualizing
your
characters. Give them all the help they need. Be generous with details.
Don't
leave your readers with a lot of filling in to do. If they want to use
their
imaginations, let them write their own damned books."--Scott Rice
"Yeah, but it gets real lonely as a moderate activist, standing alone with
a
sign that reads 'Reasonable informed discussion of the issues, as soon as
is
feasable!'."--James Nicoll
"Yeah, there are statements which are pretty close to Truth for the
critical
and/or the popular community, and I'd say that Sim being a better writer
than
Byrne would certainly comes about as close to "subjective fact" as you'll
find
in comix field. (Overshadowed only by "Alan Moore is a better writer than
Stan
Lee", which was discovered etched in marble tablets next to the Dead Sea
scrolls.)"--Jeff Meyer
"Yep, once again it's time for the annual showing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer. See a poor innocent reindeer who has suffered an unfortunate
mutation that manifested itself at birth try to fit into normal North
Pole society by disguising and not using his mutant powers. See him deal
with parental disgust at what he is. And most important, see him show up
those geeks at the reindeer games for what they are!"
-- Tom Galloway
"Yes, we are a simple, happy people, living off the land and reading power
fantasies like our fathers before us..."--Jeff Meyer
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've
come to expect from you non-creative garbage."--Monty Python
"Yes, you're very smart. Now shut up."--The Princess Bride
"Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the
entire
area was missing."--Steven Wright
"Yesterday she put some magazines on a table in a fan arrangement. This
is, of
course, one of the early symptoms of the dread June Cleaver Disease, which
ultimately leads to the appearance, in your bathroom, of soap shaped like
fruit."--Dave Barry
"Yogi Bear 2099. He's the best at what he does and that's stealing picnic
baskets. The series starts with the highly mediocre "Bears Steal, Rangers
Tranquilize!" Fans will decide the fate of Boo Boo! Does he live or die!"
--Lance Smith
"You and an attractive member of the opposite sex are trapped in an
elevator.
You are getting to know each other and the time is passing pleasantly when
you
become aware that you have to go to the bathroom really bad. What kind of
arrangements do you make? Be specific." #34 The Book of Stupid Questions
"You are driving on a steep mountain road when a dog suddenly darts in
front of
your car. There's no time to brake, and if you swerve to miss it, you will
plunge off a steep cliff. What would you use to clean the blood off your
chrome?" #12, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller
"You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, appallingest excuse for
an
anthropomorphic personification on this or any other plane!"--Death
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't
dim the lights when you turn it on." --University of Waterloo math class
"You can't do this to me! I'm rich! I'm important! I'm a Republican!"
--Montana Max
"You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an
exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar."
-- Jerry Boyajian
"You don't want to make an observation like this to a foreign person,
because
some of them don't understand English, even if you take the trouble to
speak
very loud."--Dave Barry
"You have an arrogance that is reserved, on usenet, for people who *know
what
they are talking about*." --Richard Sexton
"You have to remember now that a *lot* of funny meteorites were coming down
back the. A lot of guys were getting weird powers and stuff."--The Red Mask
"You haven't begun to tote up the real cost of the dreaming being out
of control for most of the twentieth century. Results include the
development of daytime soaps, deconstruction, Piers Anthony, and the CCA."
--Dani Zweig
"You know things have rather jumped the groove when potential suspects
must explain to law enforcers the nature of their alleged perpetrations."
--John Barlow, on the Secret Service & Hackers
"You know which one I like? When Kirk got split into his good and evil
halves.
Don't know why. I just liked it."--Hulk on Star Trek (let's see Shatner
tell
him to "Get a life!"...)
"You know, I suspect that all the continuity problems can be traced to a
single, pivotal event. After all, Darkseid, evil tyrant of Apokolips, slew
Jonni DC, Continuity Cop back in what, '83? Soon afterward, the plans for
_Crisis on Infinite Earths_ began resulting in a) a total mess of
continuity,
and b) vast exposure for Darkseid, including being made part of the TV
cartoon,
participating in any number of miniseries, and making trouble for everyone
from
the Green Lantern Corps to Jimmy Olsen. A nefarious scheme begins to
unfold..."---Mike Schiffer
"You know, I'm beginning to think that the Right To Life movement in this
country believes that life officially begins when you agree with *them*."
-- Dennis Miller
"You know, squids are really an underutilized villain origin in many comic
books today."--David Henry
"You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of intelligence.
Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"--Herman
"You mean, you put down your rock, and I put down my sword, and we try to
kill
each other like civilized people?"--The Princess Bride
"You meet the damnedest people in Hell"-- Roger Zelazny
"You need a source of stability and safety for your family. A new form of
insurance from an old and trusted firm. Power to allow you to live life to
the fullest and most successful. You need A Piece of the Rock -- OLYMPUS!"
--Jeff Meyer
"You people veer dangerously close to sanity. But fortunately, you never
quite
make it all the way there."--Harlan Ellison on MIT
"You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for 'I speak Latin, and you do not.'"--Dave
Barry
"You think this job is easy? Not only do I have to wade through politics,
life
and popular culture, I have to have an opinion. You can go to the movies
and
fall asleep-- not this consumer!"-- Ian Shoales
"You try my patience!"
"Don't mind if I do; you must come over and try mine sometime!"
--Margaret Dumont and Groucho Marx
"You used to be just kinda weird. What happened?"--Fox Trot
"You're in worse shape that you look! You're quoting Dan Quayle."--She-
Hulk
"You're just absolutely right, and I'm absolutely wrong. It must be NICE
to
always believe you know better... to always think you're the smartest
person
in the room." "No, it's *awful*."--Broadcast News
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
except, y'know, not green...and without all the patches of fungus."
--Abby Holland
"You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer."--Robin
Williams
"You, sir, have a chip on you shoulder...and it would seem that the
source of wood is just above your neck."- Peter David
"Young Billy Batson was wandering the streets of San Francisco, late at
night
when a mysterious figure in a trenchcoat beckoned Billy to follow him into
the
subway station. Billy followed him. Poor Billy hasn't been heard from
since,
and alas, the police are not optimistic as to his fate."--Paul Estin
"Your camping vacation, a chance for you to escape the constant nagging
pressures of everyday life, with its incessant air conditioning, flush
toilets,
dirt-free food, etc., and get out where you can become close to nature in
all
of its awesome life-threatening grandeur."--Dave Barry
"Your foot. Your mouth. Go arrange a meeting for them."--Diane Duane
"Your news show was canceled a week after you took over the anchor position
from Gary Morton."
"It was a slow news month!"--'Glassy' Stairs and Cowboy Wally
"Zucchini- the zucchini is a dense, flavorless vegetable that is useful
primarily as ballast. You can also eat zucchini, but only in very small
quantities: One zucchini is enough to satisfy the zucchini needs of a
family of six for a year."--Dave Barry
"`I am that merry wanderer of the night'? I am that giggling-dangerous-
totally-bloody-psychotic-menace-to-life-and-limb, more like it."
"Shush, Peaseblossom! The Puck might hear you!"--Sandman
"`I must carry this burden myself!' said Jesus crossly."--Thant Tessman
"`There Ain't Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My
Love For You.' (This might not be a real song, but I don't care.)"--Dave
Barry bad song contest
"`There are few alarms in the world more terrifying than 'The dam has
broken!'' he wrote....Surely a modern equivalent of this cry is `The system
is down!' Miss Manners has seen such a cry terrify whole crowds of people
who
weren't using the system because they hadn't yet figured it out."--Miss
Manners
"`Torn Between Two Lovers.' (Reader comment: `Torn, yes, hopefully on the
rack.')" --Dave Barry bad song contest
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.
I believe in sex and death, two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
If you don't count some of God's injunctions, the Bible has no humorists.
Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.
Don't accept rides from strange men; and remember that all men are strange.
There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly.
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
Never face facts; If you do you'll never get up in the morning.
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
To err is human ............ and stupid.
Why do Jews answer a question with a question? How should they answer?
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance?
If you have a job without aggravations you don't have a job.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
Money is always there, but the pockets change.
There must be more to life than having everything.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all....
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
The wages of sin are almost always unreported.
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
I can't be overdrawn; I still have checks left.
Can I pay my Visa with my American Express?
Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously follows the
new.
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
War is a series of catastrophes that result in a victory.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
The object of war isn't to die for your country; make the other guy die for
his.
Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.
While your saving your face your losing your ass.
You can't say civilizations don't advance every war they kill you in a new
way.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Start slow and taper off
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The best way to keep ones word is never to give it.
Its all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion.
Good advice is one of those insults that should be forgiven.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Quit worrying about your health, it will go away.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
Romanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it.
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
Where do you go to get anorexia????
When it comes to foreign food the less authentic the better.
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
My mother served leftovers for 30 years. The original meal was never
found.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti!
The trouble with life in the fast lane is you get to the other end in
hurry.
Life is not one damn thing after another, it is one damn thing over and
over.
Life is thirst.
The less things change the more they remain the same.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the
losers.
If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're looking the wrong
way.
We're all in this alone.
You can't judge Egypt by Aida.
France: where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
The big cities of America are becoming third world countries.
San Francisco: Like granola; take away the fruits and nuts, all you get is
flakes.
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
Traffic signals in New York city are just rough guidelines.
Get an existential map. It has "You are Here" written all over it.
Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
When we talk to God, were praying. When God talks to us, were
Schizophrenic.
When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
I don't really trust a sane person.
A person who publishes a book appears willfully in public with his pants
down.
The reason so few good books are written; so few who can write know
anything.
The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book; as the whore is the good
women.
A well-written life story is as rare as a well-spent one.
All of us learn to write in 2nd grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.
If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
When in doubt have two guys come through the doors with guns.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
Opera in English, is just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Rock and Roll is the hamburger that ate the world.
I don't want to see the uncut version of anything.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each
other.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
She got the Gold Mine, I got the Shaft.
I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling.
If you're a police dog, wheres your badge.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
It isn't easy being green : Kermit the Frog
To err is human :: To purr feline.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism. But they have cold baths.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
I never give anyone hell. I just tell the truth and they think its hell.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
If voting changed anything; they would make it illegal.
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
Congressman.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
It matters not whether you win or lose: It matters if I win or lose.
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel; look out for oncoming
trains.
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
If I had to live my life again I would make the same mistakes only sooner.
Its better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
The truth is the safest lie.
The future is much like the present only longer.
Winter is nature's way of saying "Up Yours".
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?
A person can only take so much comforting.
I have a rock garden, last week three of them died.
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the U.S. Ask the Indian.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.
Hell is other people.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
The popularity of a bad man is as treacherous as he is himself.
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack".
Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
Hello this is me... Is that you?
Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
Happiness is good health and bad memory.
Never keep up with the Jones’. Drag them down to your level.
People who think they know everything, irritate those of us who do.
By dint of railing at idiots you run the risk of becoming idiotic yourself.
There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
I shot an arrow into the air ...... and it stuck.
Nothing ever goes away!
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and very handy in time of trouble.
One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
All the world is a stage and all the men and women simply players.
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 AM.
My theology briefly is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
God made everything out of nothingness; but the nothingness shows through.
God was satisfied with his own work and that is fatal
God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Faith is believin what you know aint so!
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
Love is what you've been through with Somebody.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Love is being stupid together.
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
If I love you, what business is that of yours?
A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Sex is dirty only when it is done right.
Give a man a free hand and he will run it all over you.
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances on a date on Saturday night.
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
Its been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Chaste makes waste.
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when they make love.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married, then he is finished.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.
My mother didn't breast feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as
children.
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
Happy is the child whose father died rich.
Reinhart was never his mothers favorite - and he was an only child.
If you haven't been hated by your child, you haven't been a parent.
Never raise your hand to a child, it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the National Debt.
Never have children, only grandchildren.
Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.
I think the world is run by C students.
Beware of the man who does not drink. He may have other vices.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
The worse thing about some men is when they're not drunk they're sober.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks just as much as you do.
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
Old age is the only disease you don't look forward to being cured of.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
When your IQ gets up to 28 sell!
There are two types of pedestrian the quick and the dead.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory but you couldn't park near the
place.
I don't have any trouble parking, I drive a forklift.
God helps those who do not help themselves.
Great men are not always idiots.
Fanaticism consists of doubling your effort when you've forgotten your aim.
There's a great women behind every idiot.
The Mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
If you live to 100 you have it made, very few people die past the age of
100.
Never accept an invitation from a stranger until he gives you candy.
You can choose your friends but you only have one mother.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
It is easier to forgive an enemy than it is to forgive a friend.
You are no bigger than the things that annoy you.
It is unpleasant to go alone, even to be drowned.
Stay with me; I want to be alone.
We are what we pretend to be. ::K Vonnegut Jr.
Have a nice day. Thanks but I have other plans.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL::: Firings will continue until moral improves.
Fortune Cookie: Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
I don't worry about crime in the streets. Its the sidewalks I stay off of.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Dr Livingston I. Presume ... Full name of Dr. Presume
There is no they, only us.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun then just a kind word alone.
Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Peace is the period of cheating between periods of fighting.
A good man is always a beginner.
I knew a very interesting Italian women last winter, but now she’s married.
Nowadays the illiterates can read and write.
How much money did you make last year? Mail it in!... Suggested tax form
Gray hair is Gods graffiti.
The Gods too are fond of a joke.
--
We are what we pretend to be. ::K Vonnegut Jr.
jeroen jolles
Steve Brunton heeft geschreven in bericht
<84v19i$i9o$1...@news6.svr.pol.co.uk>...
-=PokéPropheT=-
insult a prophet, the people of that religeon will come after you. A
jihad is a holy war, between the people from a religeon and another
religeon. So the clue is: If you insult me (PokéPropheT), you'll get a
Pokéjihad! Get it?
PokéPropheT
Steve Brunton schreef:
Steve Brunton
other than that, and the fact people will constantly ask what it means, its
quite cool
--
Steve Brunton, Sunderlands resident pokemon master ;)
-=PokéPropheT=- <G.F...@cable.A2000.nl> wrote in message
-=PokéPropheT=-
reason that all my enemies were cut into pieces". But I can see your point. You
think it's too provocative, right?
PokéPropheT
Steve Brunton schreef:
Steve Brunton
PokePropheT
--
"And then a pokemon was born. They called him (pick your current favorite)"
:Pokemon Prophecys 7:13news:38732AF8...@cable.A2000.nl...
-=PokéPropheT=-
PokéPropheT
Steve Brunton schreef:
