You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Lisa Alekna
whacked.... but you knew that, right?
===================================
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
camera’s timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t
even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words a minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy "Half & Half" by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged
in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
coffee can.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You’re offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption fit over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don t get mad, you get steamed.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Lisa
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Neal Wilson #9
<la...@javanet.com> wrote:
˜Actually, some of these I might try... but then again, I'm a bit
˜whacked.... but you knew that, right?
˜
˜===================================
˜
˜You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
˜
˜You answer the door before people knock.
Nope. I refuse to answer the door if people knock. If they want to come in
they can open the door themselves.
˜
˜Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
Not to my knowledge, but you never know.
˜
˜You ski uphill.
Don't ski
˜
˜You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
Not lately
˜
˜You havenít blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Nope, I like to blink because my eyes make that cute noise.
˜
˜You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
Well, I have been known to pop some french roast beans into my mouth and chew.
˜
˜You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
Only when I'm looking for a particular part of a video
˜
˜The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake
No earthquakes have hit Racine in my lifetime, so physics says I fit this
as long as I'm not using this planet as my reference point.
˜
˜You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
˜
˜cameraís timer.
Sure, my sister's boyfriend/father of her child is a photographer. (takes
pictures of the guys from Pixar for a dating service)
˜
˜You lick your coffeepot clean.
I wouldn't say lick, instead I tend to brew as needed (I can brew in
quantities from one shot of espresso to about half a gal. and numerous
sizes in between including 1 cup, 4 cup, 10 cup, and 12 cup sizes)
˜
˜Youíre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you donít
˜
˜even work there.
Well, I happen to work at the best coffee house in town (we have at least
one employee from all the other ones as regular customers), but while
traveling I've gone into coffee houses and helped them figure out the
proper way to steam milk.
˜
˜Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Only if I tell my nose to close, don't open the mouth, and do something
funny with the epiglottis.
˜
˜You chew on other people's fingernails.
Not to my knowledge.
˜
˜The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Again, not to my knowledge.
˜
˜Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
No, but I've got shirts that say "Coffee Kids Grounds for Hope", "Space
Shuttle Colombian Solid Caffeine Boost", "Espresso Nectar of the Gods",
and "Biscotti"
˜
˜Youíre so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
Tend to not drink alcoholic beverages
˜
˜You can type sixty words a minute... with your feet.
My toes aren't trained to do that yet.
˜
˜You can jump-start your car without cables.
Not to my knowledge
˜
˜You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
There are plenty of alternative tools.
˜
˜Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
Don't use the stuff myself.
˜
˜You don't sweat, you percolate.
No! No! That is the most vile method of brewing coffee known to man! It
breaks every rule of brewing good coffee and produces a truly wretched
beverage.
˜
˜You buy "Half & Half" by the barrel.
Only when it's for work (I've got some at home, but only for fancy drinks
for visitors)
˜
˜Youíve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
Your point is?
˜
˜You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
No, I go to work just for the free coffee.
˜
˜You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged
˜
˜in.
Maybe if I didn't get all the exercise I need without intentionally trying
to get it.
˜
˜You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Nope.
˜
˜Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
I don't know what Charles Manson thinks of me if anything
˜
˜Youíve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
Not a city, but a few other things.
˜
˜Youíve worn the finish off your coffee table.
No, but I got a new one about a month ago and I use the family heirloom
(German beerhouse coasters)
˜
˜The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Probably not, don't use Taster's Choice.
˜
˜Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
No local Starbucks. Wait, no mortgage either.
˜
˜Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Bah, what's the point in drinking coffee if you can't taste it?
˜
˜You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
With a radio, yes.
˜
˜People can test their batteries in your ears.
Not to my knowledge.
˜
˜Instant coffee takes too long.
Instant coffee is vile, but I can get a sledgehammer in 20 seconds.
˜
˜You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a
˜
˜coffee can.
No, but I'm not opposed to the idea of cremation. I just don't intend to
die (perhaps a foolish plan, but I don't really care.)
˜
˜You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
I can smell the coffee any time I want. I just have to step outside for a
moment, then come back into my home. I always get such wonderful
complements on the lovely smell of my home.
˜
˜Youíre offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
No, but it's difficult to offend me.
˜
˜You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
Only have one cat. His name varies. It's currently "Stupid"
˜
˜You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
No, just know a few words here and there.
˜
˜Your Thermos is on wheels.
I'm not sure if Nissan makes a model like that. (Nissan makes the best
thermos bottles)
˜
˜Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Nope.
˜
˜You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
On one of them.
˜
˜You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
Probably if the bunny isn't allowed to use trick photography.
˜
˜You short out motion detectors.
Only by accident.
˜
˜You have a conniption fit over spilled milk.
No.
˜
˜You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Why wait for the water to boil? It's best to wait until just before the
water boils anyways. Once the water starts to boil, you're releasing the
excess oxygen from the water and the coffee doesn't taste as good anymore.
˜
˜Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
My shaky hands are not related to my coffee consumption. It runs in my family.
˜
˜You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
Next time I'm called a drip, I'll figure this out.
˜
˜You don't tan, you roast.
I suppose that would be a better analogy in my case (I'll leave someone
else familiar with the roasting process to figure out the joke)
˜
˜You don t get mad, you get steamed.
I don't get steamed. My profile from psych class includes an abnormally
low stress level.
˜
˜You canít even remember your second cup.
Wow! I can't!
˜
˜You help your dog chase its tail.
My dog doesn't chase his tail. My cat on the other hand...
˜
˜You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
No dentures.
˜
˜You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.
Bah! I would never use such a line (mainly because I'm opposed to coffee-mate)
˜
˜You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation".
It doesn't?
˜
˜Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
I never bothered to keep a first aid kit, but there's a hospital within
walking distance.
˜
You know the chemical formula for caffeine
C8H10N4O2 (it's also a methyl derivative of theobromine)
You know who Kaldi is
The goat herder credited in myth for the discovery of coffee
You know why the story of Kaldi as presented in The Book of Coffee is false
Roasting wasn't discovered until the 14th century
You know many different stories on the origins of coffee
Yup.
You know what a Why Bother is
Yup.
You know how to make a Why Bother
Yup.
You have the equiptment at home to make a Why Bother
Yup.
You can tell people what kind of alcoholic beverage a person drinks based
on what kind of coffee they like best.
Yup.
You can talk about many topics of coffee with minimal prompting
As people here can verify, yup.
˜Lisa
˜========================================
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˜HTML Helper Page
˜
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˜
˜Contact me now on ICQ even if you don't have ICQ yet:
˜ http://wwp.mirabilis.com/10782525
˜----
Neal Wilson Console RPG Info Place
Official AGFF Keeper of the Laws http://www.execpc.com/~wilcafe/rpg
Defender of Ruby Weapon Anime Info Place
Not up
ICQ #5481414
AIM viloma
Leader (as suggested by Rob): Okay-Hentai -
a group that doesn't care if there's hentai here or not.
Neal Wilson has 4 Fulgy points
and 10 Wyvern points
and 29 cthulu points being used for evil.
and 1 cthulu point being used for good.
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Most Self-Controlled Poster of the Week (week of December 1, 1997)
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The text of this post is freeware. It may be reproduced in whole or in part, translated, reformatted, saved, deleted, read in a public forum or exhibited on a webpage provided that I am given full credit for writing it & that I am informed.
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity See?
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of hell."
- St. Augustine
The kind, the smart, the killfiled.
The Weasel is your friend.
Stone bricks are better than watermelons.
#include <disclaimer.h>
Jesse Dorland
wrote:
>Actually, some of these I might try... but then again, I'm a bit
>whacked.... but you knew that, right?
>
>===================================
>
>You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
<snip>
>Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You have *no* idea how close to the truth that is.... :-)
-Jesse
====================================================
Jesse Dorland
jessedorland AT hotmail DOT com
Holder of 55 Jappy Points, 50 Survey Slut Points,
49 Insanity Points, 10 Vincent Points,
1 Coffee Point, 1 Suave Point,
1 Canadian Mountain Man Point and
1 Kick-A-Man-When-He's-Down Point!
AGFF DEFILER OF POPULAR MUSIC
AGFF GOD AND DEFENDER OF FINAL FANTASY VI
Never seen Sailor Moon and damn proud of it!
Fellow "SM Immune Members of AGFF," wear the
official badge with pride!
*******************************
* Who gives a damn about SM!? *
*******************************
====================================================
Rubicant
Too Much Coffee Man: Duh duh duh duh! Here I am to save the day!
-Rubicant
(aim - shadowemu)
(email - neoru...@hotmailSPAMBLOCK.com)