Xenogears: The Abridged Script
JBullions
XENOGEARS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Jack Bullions
INT. STARSHIP ELDRIDGE - SPACE
War was beginning.
EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
All your base are belong to us.
ALIEN HUMAN CAPTAIN
What you say!!
The ship SELF-DESTRUCTS, and scatters parts onto a new
world.
EXT. NEW WORLD
EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
I will now give birth to man whom I
will consume for my fuel so I may
return home and bring havoc upon those
who have done me harm.
(creates man)
Man, do not eat my apples of wisdom.
MAN
(eats a wisdom apple)
I now have wisdom to create technology.
God, we are aware of your heinous plot.
EVIL MANIFESTATION OF SCIENCE
Fools! Prepare for Judgment Day!
God creates Armageddon and goes to SLEEP under the sea, but
not before creating another race of MAN.
DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
Look, this game is serious. It is,
therefore, good!
PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
Wow, this creates so many questions
about the essense of self.
(pause)
Gamers, please put down your controls
and take notice of all of these
thought-provoking questions raised by
the video game.
VIDEO GAME PLAYERS
This game must be brilliant. I mean,
to just consider the notion that
religion could be placed in such a
spotlight like...
Suddenly, the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' PROVOKED THOUGHTS are
interrupted by something INTENSELY SERIOUS.
EXT. NEW WORLD (PRESENT DAY)
KINGDOM KISLEV
We are barbaric humans. We have dug up
wonders from first generation of man to
be used as technology for our own
selfish gains.
KINGDOM AVEH
We, too, are barbaric humans but
because we have fewer ruins to
excavate, we are losing wars. If only
our scientists could invent more
destructive weapons for us to abuse.
KINGDOM SOLARIS
We will provide assistance then, Aveh,
with weapons of mass destruction.
PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
Isn't it frightening how irresponsible
humans can be with technology?
EXT. LAHAN
FEI FONG WONG
This is a happy place for me. I am
painting and I have two good friends,
Timothy and Alice, who will be married.
This will cause conflict inside of me
for I will be responsible for
inexplicable destruction.
SOME CHARACTER NAMED TIMOTHY
Destruction? That part isn't going to
be no honeymoon!
FEI FONG WONG
Guh! And you had help with the
translation.
Fei Fong Wong wanders around outside for subplot. He
finally meets a character named CITAN.
CITAN UZUKI
I will quote powerful prophecies made
in the bible code.
Producer Tanaka realizes Citan isn't causing enough
controversy to muddle the already INCOHERENT PLOT.
CITAN UZUKI
And I might be gay.
The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS' COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.
Numerous pieces of 32-BIT GRAPHICS suddenly attack the
town. They corner TIMOTHY and proceed to pull his hair,
kick his balls, and BLOW HIM to Kingdom Come.
PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
Isn't it frightening how war can bring
out the worst in all of us?
Fei Fong Wong goes BERSERK and unleashes inner powers of
God and everything EXPLODES into its mini bytes.
CITAN UZUKI
You have experienced the cruel power of
God... something man was not meant to
wield. We must flee.
The characters escape using long, drawn out, expository CUT
SCENES. Gamers will come to find this ANNOYING as this
repeats an ABSURD NUMBER OF TIMES.
EXT. RANDOM BIBLE REFERENCED LOCATIONS
ELHAYM VAN HOUTEN
Hello. Desire me. I am a piece of
God. Forget your troubles.
FEI FONG WONG
Amazing coicidence. I, too, feel like
I am a piece of God. We should fall in
love.
BRAIN FRAGMENTS
Wait, this makes absolutely no sense.
CITAN UZUKI
Okay, let's overexplain in absurd
Freudian logic and obscene pseudo-
scientific terms how you and Elhaym are
part of Jesus and that you have been
resurrected over and over since the
birth of man until the age of Reckoning
where you will destroy God, who is
really a fucking computer program. Let
us wander and ponder this.
Fei Fong Wong and Citan bounce around the map encountering
more CARDBOARD CHARACTERS and a GIANT PINK FURBALL, while
the few BRAIN FRAGMENTS still paying attention break open
the ENCYCLOPEDIA to make some sense of plot.
BRAIN FRAGMENTS
Wait, if there's a male-female affinity
between Gear and pilot, how the hell
could Sophia's Gear be an Omnigear?
And how the hell does that Zohar Engine
relate to Kabbahlah's Zohar? And how
could Rico be the son of Sigmund if
he's a mutant? And...
More SERIOUS CONTROVERSIES erupt, shutting up the gamers.
CONTROVERSIAL questions and things continue to happen until
the most controversial of all things occurs: A SINGLE
ELEMENT OF RELIGION THAT ACTUALLY MADE SOME SENSE.
GAME CRITICS
(scratches head)
I don't get it. How am I giving this
9s and 10s? This has nothing to do
with religion in general. In fact, all
of these religious connotations is
nothing more than a heartless mask of
what is really a drawn-out Star Wars
and Terminator hack. How is this
controversial? Or maybe you decided to
fabricate that rumor when half of your
marketing heads called it quits after
viewing this crap?
INT. TOWER OF BABEL
Fei Fong Wong and Party of BIG ROBOTS enter the Tower and
they play an extremely LONG and TIME-CONSUMING METROID GAME.
The jumping is FUN.
DIRECTOR TETSUYA TAKAHASHI
My God, what have we created? We're
almost 80 hours into this monstrosity
and nothing has been accomplished!
PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
Create Wave Existence!
Wave Existence APPEARS and proceeds to throw another PLOT on
top of a PLOT and overexplaining both. This scores points
with GAMERS because the game is now COMPLEX.
FEI FONG WONG
Wave Existence? Why wasn't this
mentioned at all in the first 80 or so
fucking hours of the game? Grrrr!!!!
GAME VILLAINS
Mua-ha-ha-ha! Your inability to
control your emotions has proven to be
your Achille's heel. See? How do you
like that reference? Now I will add
symbolism to teach you a lesson.
Fei Fong Wong and his PARTY of BIG ROBOTS including GIANT
PINK FURBALL are CRUCIFIED on crosses. This is UTTERLY
RIDICULOUS.
EXT. BIG GRAY BLOB
A couple of hours of more pointless wandering and
overexplanation of plot...
PRODUCER HIROMICHI TANAKA
I think we'll end the game... HERE!
ONE OF THE GAME VILLAINS
I am... Bah-Bah-Bah-BAMMM! Your
father. Use the force, Luke.
(dies)
FEI FONG WONG
Finally... let us wake God from his
slumber and destroy him... for great
justice.
A massive BIG ROBOT fight occurs between good and evil.
More massive big robot fighting occurs until DEVELOPMENT
TEAMS develop CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.
FEI FONG WONG
We are victorious. In the time I have
spent bouncing back and forth between
pacifism and sheer violence for no
explicable reason, I now realize there
is really only one evil religion...
Squaresoft.
FEI FONG WONG descends from the heavens in his BIG ROBOT
like CHRIST. This is then all resolved with the most
CHEESIEST and RIDICULOUS ENDING to ever be exposed to the
human eye.
GAME CRITICS
What the hell was all that? Not only
was the plot absurd, but it mocks
religion. Either I'm chicken-shit and
value website hits over integrity or
the game just plain sucks, now which
one do you think is right? Has anyone
seen a pair of balls? I don't seem to
have any.
The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS toss their Playstations out the
window and gather up their exploded heads, refusing to
think about the game to avoid a headache.
GAME OVER.
Skye Render
<snipped for sake of sanity>
Ah, you DO realize that a good deal of us are XG fans, right? That being
said, I hardly found that as amusing as the FF8 and 9 "abridged" scripts.
XG doesn't have the same kind of targettable material that they do. Sure,
the plot's confusing as hell and more contrived than a building falling off
of a human (instead of vice versa), but it's not as mock-worthy as a game
that possesses a truly bad plot.
--
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Stian Mathisen
JBullions <bulli...@yahoo.com> skrev i
meldingsnyheter:8f277a96.02082...@posting.google.com...
> CITAN UZUKI
> I will quote powerful prophecies made
> in the bible code.
>
> Producer Tanaka realizes Citan isn't causing enough
> controversy to muddle the already INCOHERENT PLOT.
>
> CITAN UZUKI
> And I might be gay.
Hehe, I liked this part.
I missed the ones on FFVII, VIII and IX, thugh, so if you'd feel like
reposting them it'd make me very gay. And no, I want check google, that
takes too long for me. I can only concentrate on one thing for twelve se
HarleGuy
"Skye Render" <torquemada_gi@hotthe_corrupt_universemail.com> skrev i
meddelandet news:MPG.17d812722...@news.aracnet.com...
> The cow says, "JBullions!" But I don't. I say:
> <snipped for sake of sanity>
>
> Ah, you DO realize that a good deal of us are XG fans, right? That being
> said, I hardly found that as amusing as the FF8 and 9 "abridged" scripts.
> XG doesn't have the same kind of targettable material that they do. Sure,
> the plot's confusing as hell and more contrived than a building falling
off
> of a human (instead of vice versa), but it's not as mock-worthy as a game
> that possesses a truly bad plot.
>
> --
Haha, I knew you'd be all over this one, Sky. Although I do agree it wasn't
quite as funny as the others. And I'm not biased towards XG, either, since I
love FF8, and I still laughed like hell at that one.
--
~ HarleGuy,
Savorer of The Known Universe
---------------
"Jag gillar bröd"
-Anonymous
"No worries"
-Rincewind
"To find Flanders,
I must think like Flanders!
`I am a stupid jerk,
I wear the same sweater every day´"
-Homer Simpson
---------------
Small Unimportant Items:
-No points of any kind
-This quote:
"*gasp*
Could this be the best sig ever?!
*does signature calculations*
YES! This *IS* the best sig ever!"
-Stian Mathisen 2000/06/07
parasyte
"JBullions" <bulli...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:8f277a96.02082...@posting.google.com...
> And here's another for Xenogears.
>
>
You forgot to mention the INSANELY SLOW text speed, making conversations
take HOURS.
--Parasyte
neo-the yellow gigasnowball zero
(litterally) & a grand appearance of Big Joe somewhere in that script.
Btw, you're mocking a game that is tied for 1st on my all-time favorite
game list... bastard. ;)
--
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stefani
>And here's another for Xenogears.
>The VIDEO GAME PLAYERS toss their Playstations out the
>window and gather up their exploded heads, refusing to
>think about the game to avoid a headache.
>
> GAME OVER.
I find this one extremely amusing. I think I am maybe one
of five people total who do not like Xenogears that much.
There are certain things about it I like, but overall I find it
pretty damn boring.
-stefani
neo-the yellow gigasnowball zero
> I find this one extremely amusing. I think I am
> maybe one of five people total who do not like
> Xenogears that much. There are certain
> things about it I like, but overall I find it pretty
> damn boring.
>
> -stefani
>
I can see how someone wouldn't like Xenogears. I personally love it, but
it's not for everyone. But, you know what's funny? I remember when
Xenogears was first released & I couldn't find five people that actually
liked the game on r.g.v.sony. It seemed everyone knocked the game & many
people quit playing the game about halfway through disc 2 due to the
heavy text. A couple of years after it was released, I noticed alot of
people of the very same people that knocked the game before, now highly
praise it. Makes me wonder if some people like the game simply because
it's popular or for the game itself.
JBullions
> lmao. Very funny. I was waiting for the mention of human consumption
> (litterally) & a grand appearance of Big Joe somewhere in that script.
>
> Btw, you're mocking a game that is tied for 1st on my all-time favorite
> game list... bastard. ;)
>
The script represents just one opinion out of the millions I'm sure.
Take it how you want. :P
Jack Bullions
JBullions
> said, I hardly found that as amusing as the FF8 and 9 "abridged" scripts.
Actually, I don't, sorry. ;) I've only appeared recently to post these
scripts in the group. I respect your opinion, but to reiterate my
point with the script, I did find many glaring faults in Xenogears
(either heinous plotting or poor entertainment) and believe me, all
games have their faults.
Jack Bullions
*********************************
Tetsuo
> stefani wrote:
>
>> I find this one extremely amusing. I think I am
>> maybe one of five people total who do not like
>> Xenogears that much. There are certain
>> things about it I like, but overall I find it pretty
>> damn boring.
>>
>> -stefani
>>
> I can see how someone wouldn't like Xenogears. I personally love it, but
> it's not for everyone. But, you know what's funny? I remember when
> Xenogears was first released & I couldn't find five people that actually
> liked the game on r.g.v.sony. It seemed everyone knocked the game & many
> people quit playing the game about halfway through disc 2 due to the
> heavy text. A couple of years after it was released, I noticed alot of
> people of the very same people that knocked the game before, now highly
> praise it. Makes me wonder if some people like the game simply because
> it's popular or for the game itself.
I think Xenogears is a little pretentious, personally, and it's not
finished, so I don't like it either.
And yeah, it is a bit boring at times, the plot isn't as intense as
everybody seems to make it, imo.
--
Tetsuo
neo-the yellow gigasnowball zero
> neo-the yellow gigasnowball zero) wrote:
>> lmao. Very funny. I was waiting for the
>> mention of human consumption (litterally) &
>> a grand appearance of Big Joe somewhere
>> in that script.
>>
>> Btw, you're mocking a game that is tied for
>> 1st on my all-time favorite game list...
>> bastard. ;)
>>
> The script represents just one opinion out of
> the millions I'm sure. Take it how you want. :P
>
The XG script is great, but I still think the FF8 script was your best
yet. I'm not saying the others weren't great, because they're all very
good, but I honestly could not stop laughing when I read the FF8 script,
lol.
Any idea on what your next one will be? An MGS2 script would be perfect
& there's a ton of content you could pick apart in that game.