TEXT HUMOUR (LOTS)
Rocket (CBRXX1100)
BELOW IS A SMALL COLLECTION OF WHAT I CLASSIFY AS ONE -LINERS FOR YOUR
ENJOYMENT
THESE ARE PREDOMINANTLY NON ADULT (NOW THAT'S A SURPRISE)
ENJOY
- Rocket
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Budget: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!
If you're right 90% of the time,
why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Is a strumpet a guitar player's girl friend?
More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course,
are round figures.
In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Bachelor: A man who is footloose and fiancee free
Police One-Liners
"The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
"Your life is not my fault."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you
wear
them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"That says POLICE, not taxi!"
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"You can't outrun a radio."
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you should
meet, you will lose."
"Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."
"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
"If its worth stopping, its worth writing."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkeypoop."
"Listen with your ears, not with your mouth."
"Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the
cops."
"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
"God must love stupid people, 'cause he sure made a lot of them."
"Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops
from it."
"Shoot them until they think they're dead."
"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use
electric bleachers."
"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
"There are no dress rehearsals, and this is the big time."
."
Seen On T-Shirts
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on."
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the
memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a
pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
Q: How do you know a Vietnamese has broken into your home?
A: Your dog's missing and your homework has been done.
Musicians duet better
Hawaii: The place where men make passes at girls who wear grasses
The runners are approaching the final 220 yards. They won't be there fur
long.
Messages dogs leave for each other on fire hydrants: P-mail
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. It cuts off your circulation!
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked
swinging nightclubs.
Broadcaster during golf tournment: "Arnie, usually a great putter, seems to
be having trouble with his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping
his shorts."
On my keyboard, there is a curly character on the upper left corner key.
I call it my "Disney" key, since I can say that Walt's in my tilde.
Q: What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the ghetto?
A: In the end, the hero gets the heroin.
If you try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the milkman.
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: A tooth fairy.
Q: What do you call a gay milkman?
A: Dairy Queen.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying
An employee at the automobile factory was fired for taking a brake.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun
went?
It finally dawned on her.
I've put my money into a new girlie magazine so I can take accrued interest
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Dim sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low.
WOMBAT: Stands for "Waste of Money, Brains and Time". Suitable for
describing a person, product or project.
Code 18: An error made by the user. Refers to the 18 inches that separate a
user's face from the computer display.
Lasagna Syndrome: Writing a piece of software with so many overlapping
dialog boxes that it's nearly impossible to complete a task.
Nerd Bird: Any weekday direct airline flight between another U.S. city and
San Jose, California. These flights are typically over-populated with
engineers and technical types, so a good amount of job seeking and
rumour-milling occurs during each run.
Waldo: A demo given with great showmanship for a product with little
innovation or creativity.
Booth Bunny: The attractive women staffing the booths at tradeshows that do
not work for the main company represented and have no technical knowledge
whatsoever.
Triority: The three things your manager would have you do at once.
I/O Error: Error cause by an 'I'gnorant 'O'perator. A technical support term
to label such operator in conversation.
Origin: Originally defined the term meaning Input/Output Error.
Team Player: An engineer with no backbone who says "yes" to everything.
Can also mean someone who gets in early and makes coffee for everyone else.
The latter definition is definitely more desirable.
Meeting Engineer: A person who spends more time in meetings than doing
actual work. Those who fall into this category usually have dated technical
skills and tend to complain about
how they never have time to get any work done since they're in meetings all
the time.
Think Time: This is what operators make use of when they get an "idle
event". This most normally occurs during a long compile or a slow network
connection.
And My Favourite Silicon Valley Slang Term.........
Sneakernet: When data is transferred between workstations by copying it to a
floppy and walking it to the intended workstation instead of using the LAN.
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
March Planned For Next August
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Colonial Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighbourhood?
A: The church has a bouncer.
What's the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes
facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
"Try And Try Again" by Percy Vere
Gigalo: a fee-male
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For
example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
99 percent of Harley riders give the rest a bad name.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
My favourite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Did you hear of the agnostic, insomniac dyslexic? He used to lie awake at
night wondering if there was a dog.
I'm in two minds about the recent LOVE bug. I'm relieved hat I didn't
receive any messages containing the virus, but I feel rejected as I'm
obviously not in anyone's address book!
The office computer had a virus. So I hired my mother to type in her recipe
for chicken soup.
Spicy Chinese food will Szechuan fire.
Juniper: The guy who does the circumcisions.
I'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head.
An old termite with false teeth walks into a bar and shouts, "hey! where's
the bartender?"
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve food here."
Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who
pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick
of you.
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been
responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!
I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for
work ever again.
They told me to get some enthusiasm back into this unit. So I'm firing you
with enthusiasm.
Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."-- Mitch
Ratliffe
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
“Are you well now?"
Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
“Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind."
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
The only thing a man will brag about his being smaller than another man's is
his cell phone.
Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia?
A: A Religious movement
They laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian...
They're not laughing now!
Do you think all the other flowers make fun of Pansies?
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom.
REALITY.DAT not found. Attempting to restore backup universe.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt
My short-term memory ain't what it something something.
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"
You know your life sucks when...
- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your
wife.
- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
- Your children's school calls to surrender.
- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
- Your plants do better when you *don't* talk to them.
- All your modelling jobs are for cartoonists.
- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
Inspirational Olympic thought: Second place is still the first loser.
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball." - Jack Lemmon
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Australian beer is made with kangaroo hops.
Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.
Q: Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
A: It's called On & On Anon.
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: A wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Q: How do you tell an Irishman on holiday in Holland?
A: He's the one wearing the wooden wellies.
Q: How do you make an Irish guy's tongue black?
A: Spill some Whiskey on a freshly tarred road.
"If Right Handed people use the left half of their brain, then the left
handed people must be in their right mind."
Did you hear about the West Virginia redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's
fourteen.
How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Dublin Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year
for a million years.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears
that this is true.
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,
"Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor
to protect them from each other.
If I were a recovering sex addict, I think I would opt for group
therapy.-Pam Pickard
Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Toilet seats should be returned to their upright and locked positions.
Childhood: That time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror.
Middle age: That time of life when the mirror gets even.
Sex is like math... Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and
multiply!
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: Why do they make white chocolate?
A: So the black kids can have dirty faces too.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the
notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a
voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Sex in France is a comedy, in England a tragedy, in America a melodrama, in
Germany a philosophy, in Italy an opera.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What do you call a redneck couple with only two kids?
A. Newlyweds.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
A surplus is when politicians can't decide on where to waste all the money.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for
the weekend!
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself.
If a man thinks it is impossible to be wrong ALL the time, then he has never
been married.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."--Frank Sinatra
The reality you have dialled is not in service. Please check the value of pi
or consult your local deity.
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went
in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over
and pushed me.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one
less test I have to take."
What is the difference between mechanical and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
WARNING:ContentsoftaglinemaysettleduringEMailing.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably, the lesson is never
try" - Homer Simpson.
Q: What cliché would describe a man in a tuxedo riding a roller coaster
without getting dizzy?
A: He's all dressed up and no vertigo.
THE SENILITY PRAYER:God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
"I'd like to quit my job, but I need the sleep."
"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of
confidence." - Doug MacLeod
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with
fake IDs." -- Homer Simpson
I love it when commercials mention "space-age" technology. It doesn't seem
to occur to many people that the space age has been going on for over 40
years now...
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
License plate on a Swedish car spotted in an up scale Toorak neighbourhood:
"SNAAB."
Always remember that while there are always plenty of fish in the sea, after
a while the bait won't be what it used to be!
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the
time. Then they keep the watch.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is
the dumber sex?
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A: A monster that sucks the blood out of kneecaps.
Q: What do you get when you cross a woman and a microwave?
A: 8 hours of nagging in 6 minutes...
Q: Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a mustard salesman?
A: She wrote him a Dijon letter.
Q: What's the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names.
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after
month...
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding,
sings." -- Ed Gardner
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage
of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
"I was here. Where were you? Back soon." - GOD
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I
didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self
righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your willy.
There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. -- Charles
M. Schultz
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Bumper sticker spotted recently on the 405 freeway (In L.A.):
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
I guess we've gone from trying to be Y2K compliant to being Y2K complacent
and are now Y2K conversant.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" - Delta
Burke
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over
there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because
they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from
semi-automatics to uzis. - Conan O'Brien
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."-Victor Borge
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
Your friends love you, anyway.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.
My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is
you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're just a bitch!"
Parental Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from
the children.
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and
twenties.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and
half as expensive every 18 months.
Q. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A. Senator.
Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every
effort to teach them good manners.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
It was a nude beach with lots of action. The tide started to come in,
blushed, and went out again.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Commenting on Wednesday's murder of an Israeli soldier, Prime Minister
Yitzhak Rabin said, "We shall continue on the way to peace and fight those
who oppose it." Excuse me?
"Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this
like good Christians?"
Life is an endless struggle, full of frustration’s and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop
laughing.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
So, if you cross a chicken with a zebra, would you get a four-legged dinner
with its own barcode?
What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live?
You have five months to pay.
When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery?
When he's ready for a new sports car.
How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor?
He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.
How can you tell when a surgeon is not thinking about the operation?
Before he makes an incision, he yells "Fore!"
Why did the duck go to the doctor's office?
He was looking for a quack.
What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?
Whatever you do, don't go into the light.
Q: Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles
who resigned on Tuesday?
A: He tried to resign on Monday but discovered that he'd been standing in
the wrong line.
Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much because they all
look alike. It's not like they're going to meet a much better looking
penguin someday.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever!
Skiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house.
I say, why pay outrageous prices for ski trips when I can just stick my face
in the freezer and fall down on the kitchen floor.
Rod Thomas is Y2K Complacent
Save the trees...Wipe your butt with an owl.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
Deja Moo - The feeling you've heard this BULL before.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the
Hut??
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.
When do you really need a lawyer?
When your talking to a lawyer.
"I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other
family." -- Jack Handey
"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can
look up her dress."Steve Martin
My wife*s an earth sign. I*m a water sign. Together we make mud. Rodney
Dangerfield
The shower is the greatest invention. I don*t like to take a bath. I don*t
like to wash my face in the water I*ve been sitting in.--Lewis Grizzard
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you
add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of
you in the supermarket express lane." --June Henderson
Quotes to Think About
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove
all doubt. --Abraham Lincoln
Don't be discouraged if your children reject your advice.
Years later they will offer it to their own offspring.
"When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice
man?" --Edith Evans
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it." --Clarence Darrow
"I do not like work even when someone else does it." -- Mark Twain
"Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity."--Frank Leahy
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his
Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have
married.
Marriage Questions and Answers
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'.
Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.
Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A: A last name.
Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose:
A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.
She yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE
you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play
with.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to
the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came
home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness.....after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor and said, " Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger. -- Chris
O'Brien
Q. What had 75 balls and keeps the ladies smiling?
A. BINGO!
A man enters the house with snow all over him.
Q: Snowing outside?
A: Nope, there was a giant outside the house who flicked his cigarette ash
all over me.
* A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.
Q: Sorry, did that hurt?
A: No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia. Why don't you try again?
* At a restaurant: To the waiter.
Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally spit in
it, as well.
* At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years..
Q: Chickoo, you've become so big.
A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
* When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call..
Q: Sorry, were you sleeping?
A: No. I was playing soccer for Brazil at Rio and just when you called
Ortega was betting with me that Argentina would win. What do you think?
* When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair..
Q: Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
* At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Q: Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.
* You see a cute girl wearing tennis attire and holding a tennis racquet at
a tennis centre.
Q: You play tennis?
A: Nope, this is the latest fashion, just trying to catch a rich guy's
attention. As for the tennis racquet, I feel that it has a faster head speed
and thus better than an umbrella in warding off perverts.
* A man sleeping soundly when his friend wakes him up.
Q: You asleep?
A: Yes, and I am having a dream about some idiot asking me whether I am
asleep.
* See a friend walking into the room drenched.
Q: Raining outside?
A: No, Nice and sunny day outside, so hot that I poured some water over
myself.
* See a friend at the canteen with some food at 8am.
Q: Having breakfast?
A1: Nope, I am on a diet, just bought this food to enjoy the aroma.
A2: (look blur) Breakfast? I'm having my dinner. You overslept is it?
Quality control: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods
accidentally.
Mother Bat to baby bat: "Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots!"
Q - Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?
A - They don't like all those strangers coming up on the porch and ringing
their doorbells.
Q: What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law... a great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: Why did the chicken go to a seance?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
Q: Why do they call the condition PMS?
A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
What can Calista Flockhart (Alley Mc Naked) do with dental floss?
Hang herself.
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes...and six months
later you have to start all over again."-- Joan Rivers
Seen on a church sign: Free trip to Heaven! Details Inside.
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And
for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.' " -- Bob
Newhart
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the
time to take the dirt out of them?
Kissing:
A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything
wrong with each other.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
person gain five pounds.
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of
you in the supermarket express lane."
What do wives and proctologists have in common?
They always have to deal with a pain in the ass.
What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.
What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time.
What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.
What's the best part of marriage?
Divorce.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
What do marriage and Bill Clinton have in common?
They're both a joke.
Remember: The Bible says to "Love thy neighbour," but make sure
her husband isn't home first.
Weekend Advice: Never say never unless you're using this cliché
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the
window to write the number on.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss!
To the bachelors: may they never impale their freedom on the point of a
steel pen.
Here's Champagne to our real friends, And real pain to our sham friends.
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
Socks, the Clinton's cat, has been reported dead...
He froze to death in Hillary's lap.
The motto seen in a certain Shepparton cattle shed...
"Do unto udders as you would have udders do unto you."
On going to war over religion:
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary
friend." - Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -
Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -
John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type
in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer
will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either
you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." – Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo
Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'" - Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -
Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." – Ren Hicks
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" -
Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni
Subject: Men are Like.......
Place-Mats: they only show up when there's food on the table.
Mascara: they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government Bonds: they take so long to mature.
Parking Spots: the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Copiers: you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Lava Lamps: fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank Accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
High Heels: they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling Irons: they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Mini Skirts: if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Bananas: the older they get, the less firm they are.
Fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to
have dinner with.
Vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they're usually wrong.
Plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long it will last.
"Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you
still don't want to get any on you."
"You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer."
"The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the
crud behind the refrigerator."
"And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your
sandwich."
"Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or
religion; unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be
considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a
short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are
a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people may now also be
discriminated against due to the failure of their lobbying efforts."
"I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees."
"Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!"
"There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft."
"All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your
problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them."
"Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who
don't. And there will be a special name for them secretaries."
"Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer...
So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last longer."
"It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to
do with their lives."
"Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for you?
No? OK, we'll call back later."
"If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own line
of perfumes."
"If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it
on Microsoft."
The main difference between men and women: When men say something and do
something else, they "lied" ...
When women say something and do something else, they "changed their mind"
"What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller?
Spot."
"Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people
have big mouths."
"It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere
animals, but then again there is no equivalent to 'Championship Wrestling'
in the animal kingdom."
"One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead."
"Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think."
"Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to
strangers."
"To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana."
"When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
When cave men got together they formed clubs.
Fibbing can turn into a "lie" ability.
By the way, what does BTW mean?
Q: Did you hear about the Arkansan who had eight vasectomies?
A: He had to... his wife kept getting pregnant.
Q: How do you get a partner to argue with you?
A: Say something
Q: How do you get a partner's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds
If you love a Partner, set her free.....if she follows you everywhere you
go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the
hospital, she's yours.
What's the difference between John Howard's charisma and UFOs?-
UFOs have been sighted.
Q: What's safer: a partner or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.
Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a partner?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
Q: What do you call a Partner with an attitude?
A: Normal
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A partner!
Q: How do you know when your partner has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl
Q: How do you know when a partner has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Only two things are necessary to keep a partner happy. One is to let her
think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
On Friday, China vowed that it would not use nuclear technology against
Taiwan. Apparently, they're not done downloading secrets from the U.S.
Subject: SEINFELD sayings...
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
"because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go I think. My mother is
attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic
tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish-burger and I realise, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?" And he replied,"No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales
that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
What do you call three dogs and a blackbird?
- The Spice Girls
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What is the definition of making love?
- Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
- They've got boyfriends already
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
- They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always
playing with them.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
- Strapadictomy.
Twenty Something -- The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.
Fancy Restaurant -- One that serves cold soup on purpose.
College -- The four year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.
Hors D'oeuvres -- A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Emergency Numbers -- Police station, Fire Department and Places that
deliver.
"Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never
changes."
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount
of time given.
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though small, is not
exactly zero.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.
I obey the law of inverse excuses: The greater the task to be done, the more
insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater
task.
I will become a member of the ancient and venerable Procrastinator's Society
if they ever get around to getting it organised.
A tomcat told a female cat, "For you, I would die."
The female asked, "How many times?"
Then there was the young female dinosaur who became a "woman."
She had her first century.
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
Did y'all ever wonder why mice have such small balls?
Easy -- very few of them can dance at all.
A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out.
"Look Ma!" said the youngster, "An Angel."
You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come
nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.
Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?
He was caught grilling his suspects.
One day I discovered that my landlord had placed a hidden camera in my
bathroom ceiling.
What a fool! That's not where I keep my money!
A polar bear goes into a bar and says "Can I have a gin
and...................................................................
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........tonic, please?".
The barman serves him and says, "why the large pause?" the polar bear says
"I dont know, I've always had them!"
"Bother," said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on
the Heffalump; Piglet, meet me in transporter room three."
I saw a beggar who was so broke that he was standing on the corner shouting
as the cars went by... "WILL WORK FOR CARDBOARD AND A MAGIC MARKER!"
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me....
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
What do Airline pilots use for birth control? Their personality.
"Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already
born?" -- Benny Hill
: What do you get when you cross two black people?
A: Your ass kicked....
Q: Did you hear about the Polish car pool?
A: They all meet at work.
Muslim dilemma:
Free PORK!
Knock, knock...
Who's There?
Irish burglar....
Q: How do you lose a Jewish cop?
A: Drive through a tollbooth.
If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?
If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides
of your last vacation.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
XXXXXXXXX
What did the dyslexic rabbi say?
Yo.
In the 90's, a country singer is someone who uses
$2,000,000 worth of equipment to sing about the simple life.
"Pappy! Pappy! I gotta 'A' in spellin'!!"
"You ninny, Jethro! They ain't no 'A' in spellin'!"
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll
inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Just remember.....You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbour's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that
all men are brothers......and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I must be
sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course,
how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes
up the carpet and drools on newspapers.
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.
Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I
put the cat there.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and fewer still to ignore
someone completely.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and
when it isn't.....you can't wait to throw up.
My son just married a girl he met on the internet. I guess there is such a
thing as "love at first site."
When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an
individual does it, it's called "stalking."
I'd like somebody to ask Disney how they could make a Tarzan movie without a
single black person.
Seen on a bumper sticker: "Be the Person Your Dog thinks You Are."
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2.
Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese Digital camera?
A: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
I gave my cat a bath the other day... he love it. He sat there, he enjoyed
it. It was fun for me also. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than
that... ~ Steve Martin
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualise world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music!
I graduated with a 4.0... Blood Alcohol level.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the
ax.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Fight crime. Shoot Back.
Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for
which you would not take money.
"Last night I went out with some people for Mexican food, which is unusual
because I hate people." -- Amy Foster
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
Golf involves a ball, 3 inches around, sitting on another ball, 25,000 miles
around. The idea is to hit the little ball before hitting the big ball.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the
time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.
My neighbour has a treadmill - and a riding lawn mower.
My son asked if I smoked while I was pregnant with him, and I said only when
I was drinking.
You know you're getting old when all your favourite music is in the bargain
bin at Kmart and Myers.
Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor if the telephone had
been Alexander Graham Siren.
Keep Honking. I'm reloading.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I love animals...they're delicious.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I souport publik edekasion
Why do noses run and feet smell ?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor
unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the
world is this gun..."
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before
swinging, and once again, after swinging.
In 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap?
I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.
Seen on a bumper sticker: I suffer from CHILDREN, a sexually transmitted
disease.
Grafitti on a condom dispensing machine: "Don't buy this gum... It tastes
like rubber!"
"I have good news and bad news: The good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac."
God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.
Children in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause children!
I have PMS & a gun, now what were you saying?
I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bedrockHumour
prevents Hardening of the Attitudes.
If the US misguided bombs on Kosovo are any example, we won't have a thing
to worry about when the Chinese use the US stolen missile technology.
Lucky for us movie goers that all aliens, on all planets, in all galaxies,
during all time periods, speak perfect English.
She has some many chins...
It looks like she's peeking over a stack of pancakes.
A policeman pulled a Polack over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a
one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
The Polack: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people
were leaving."
Q: Did you hear about the Polish used car salesman?
A: He got arrested for turning back the fuel gauges.
They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I
am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store.
We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed
her curtains.
He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...
battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumour that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him for
palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks "So how's the leather been
lately?"
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants -
it's called 'Arson'.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor
licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say
for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.
My friend is so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his e-mail
forwarded.
..He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know who
can describe Pamela Anderson and
Dolly Parton without using his hands!
I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my
keys in the car.
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
Okay, everybody, let's review the rule of breath mints. When you are
politely offered one, politely take it.
I stopped taking my wife to get Chinese food when I found out that Won Ton
spelled backwards is "not now."
Q. What's so strange about drinking in Belfast?
A. You stay sober, but the bar gets bombed.
Want a taste of religion?
Bite a minister.
Jewish Telegram :
START WORRYING. DETAILS TO FOLLOW. LOVE. MOTHER.
Q. What do you do with a man that thinks he's God's gift to women?
A. Exchange him.
The following are purported to be REAL answers to exam
questions at a Department of Transportation driving school
(read, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
I like to wait day before reading my horoscope. That way I can find out what
kind of day I had.
Be what you is `cause if you be what you ain't, you ain't what you be.
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelic's.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and
a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car
DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE !
-- God
I've always wanted to carry a box of water balloons in my car so I could
toss them out the sunroof to discourage tailgaters.
Bumper sticker: Caution: I drive like you"
It is better to have that which you do not need, than to need that which you
do not have.
How can you be over the hill, if you never got to the top?
Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?
I have been happily married for four years - three different times.
THE TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMT is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the
house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers,
and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much petrol is left in the tank and how far that
petrol will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a lowcut dress and expect the man to
stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off
when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know
how to cook them
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is
Tracy...
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father in law how good
his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over
there.
Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down." Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves." August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." Fran
Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money." Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets." Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Dereke
Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!" Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." Edward
Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it." Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail." Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does." Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew A.
Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." Mark
Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
ane." Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered with me long after
the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.
Q: How many policemen jokes do you know?
A: Only one. The rest of them are true stories.
Q: Why there are always three cops in a patrol?
A: One can read, one can write and the third watches the intellectuals.
Q: How does a cop open a can?
A: He points the gun to it and shouts: "Police, open up! You are
surrounded!"
Q: How can you find the most stupid cop out of a hundred?
A: You just pick one randomly.
Q: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
A: It beats, beats, beats...
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all
day.
You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.
Q: Why did the Redneck want to move to L.A.?
A: It's easier to spell.
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.
Mr. President, you meant to say that you wanted "Chinese take-out",
not "Take out Chinese"!
A wise choice is to make your next career choice before you quit.
I asked the telemarketer if I could call her back when she got home from
work. She became irate and hung up on me!
Driving to work, I looked over and there's this man in a Mustang going super
fast with his face up next to his rear view mirror shaving. Then he's
halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner
pencil into my coffee.
If women knew what we were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
Printed on the back of a Hells Angel's T-shirt: "If you can read this my
bitch fell off"
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started
collecting moths last month!"
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite
everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that
either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's
opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought
about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom once
more...
Hillary Clinton will be going to the Balkans. She wants to do all she can to
stop the fighting and ease the bitterness, so she's flying 6,000 miles to
get away from Bill. (Daily Scoop)
A NATO airstrike totally destroyed the Belgrade Yugo factory. Damage was
estimated at nearly four dollars.
President Clinton took time out from the Kosovo crisis to play golf. The
White House said the reason he was playing golf was to relieve stress. You
have to admit, it's a lot less controversial than his old way of relieving
stress.
Dan Quayle has taken leave from his family's newspaper business to run for
president in the year 2000 (or as Jim Mica calls it, Q2K). His family,
however, says he can have his old route back if he loses.
The Melissa virus forced some companies to shut down email. That caused huge
problems. A lot of people actually had to revert to telling co-workers dirty
jokes at the water cooler.
Gas prices have made their biggest surge since the Kuwait invasion.
The oil companies are blaming cuts in OPEC production, problems at
California
refineries, and... oh, yeah, greed.
It seems like the only place left in Melbourne to buy cheap gas is Taco
Bill.
Fabio was hit in the face during a roller coaster ride. Immediately
afterward, hundreds of birds lined up for the new Hit Fabio In The Face
Ride.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.
I'm mostly through changing my Y's to K's. When I'm finished, I'll be OY.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do so for you.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.
Last year I got my wife a mother's day gift that left her speechless. In
fact, she didn't speak to me for three weeks.
If I ever went into battle, I'd take a bunch of poodles with me.
Given a choice between shooting me or a poodle, the average person would
surely aim for the poodle.
I remember when we tried to sneak candy into school.
A local auto repair shop advertises themselves: We're "Wreck Amended"
Headline seen in the Gainesville, Florida, Sun: "Poverty Linked to
Inequality of Wealth"
Why do people recite their phone number to you so fast that you can't get it
down? Guess they don't want you to call them back.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 percent of
the population.
Carl Bernstein needs to write another book and call it, "All the
President's Women."
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Progress?
Save the trees; chop down a few developers.
Being bored is an insult to yourself.
Like a lot of contributors, I receive comments on my jokes.
I divide mine into two files: "Pro" and "Con". Some remarks can't be
categorised however. One lady wrote: "I pray for you each night Rod Thomas."
Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A: The Price Is Too Much.
Q: Did you hear about the Irish gay guy?
A: He sleeps with women.
Q: Have you heard about the new lottery game in India?
A: You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches the dot on your
face, you win a 7-11!! (Quickee-Mart)
Q: What is the most common disease
transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.
If you're lonely, but only because you killed all your friends, then maybe
you deserve to be lonely.
I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man
is a member of the human race.
That's bad enough for me. -- Mark Twain
There was this button back in the 60s:
Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is
wrong?
Why is Clinton so gung ho on bombing Yugoslavia? I mean, could it be that
none of our fancy "weapons of mass destruction" the cruise missiles and
smart bombs, are NOT Y2K Compatible?
How can you spot Bulimia Barbie?
You can't; she looks just like a regular Barbie.
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a
voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the
kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured "mother"..
Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said
half a word!"
New product idea for the millennium!
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only
two could fit before"
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and
none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see
that I was right."
Bourbon Renewal: After a few drinks your old neighbourhood starts to look a
lot better.
Best bar pick-up line in Queensland:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought he was
melting?
Q: What do you call a cockroach in a matchbox?
A: Mexican Tamagotchi.
Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese German restaurant in town?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you are hungry for power.
Bumper sticker: "Driver carries no cash; he is married."
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
If a swamp frog goes ribbit....ribbit....ribbit; and a Busch frog goes
bud....wis....er;
What does a Windows 95 frog sound like?
Reboot... re boot... reboot.
Q. If you're in France, and you're attacked by a very large dog, what's the
best way to defend yourself?
A. Step on it......
Q: Why are there no British computers?
A: They haven't quite figured out how to make them leak oil yet!
Ground to pilot: "12 Alpha, turn right on Hotel, taxi to parking. Bear left,
disabled aircraft on the right."
12 Alpha: "Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, looking for the
bear."
Overheard in the synagogue: "You must be a friend of the groom?"
"I should say not! I'm the bride's mother!"
Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A. Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and
then name streets after them.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Beach's Law:
No two identical parts are alike.
Bikers law
The first bug to hit a clean visor lands directly in front of your eyes.
"It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon.
It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here."
The way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd going somewhere
and get in front of it.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
What's the difference between Bill Gates and God? Well, for one thing, God
rarely spends time pretending He is Bill Gates.....
Regarding the global economy, if we go to war with Germany again, will
Chrysler make tanks for us or them?
Q. "What do u use for washing dishes?"
A. "Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
Q. Why do they call our language the mother tongue?
A. Because the father seldom gets to speak!
People who say "I don't want to be any trouble" usually are
A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this message
for the past week: Don't make me come down there!
- God
I'll admit that the last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She asked me
what was on the television, and I said dust.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: " 'Who threw the eraser at the principal?' "
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a guitar?
A. You play at the top and finger the bottom...
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a bank?
A. After withdrawal, you lose interest...
It's time for the annual reminder about Daylight savings:
Remember, when you go to bed tonight, to set your clocks BACK one hour.
If you're a Victorian, set your clocks BACK forty years!
This is a telemarketer and I'm calling to say we keep calling until
you buy or until you die.
My daugher is a `90s kind of gal: She faxes me to say she just sent me
an e-mail. Then she calls to make sure I got the fax.
Q: What do you call a 300 pound Italian girl?
A: Underweight.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Disclaimer heard on a late night informercial: "If not 100 percent
satisfied, just return the unused portion of our product and we'll
return the unused portion of your money."
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the
pool and throw them fish?
Q. What do men and women have in common?
A. They both distrust men.
Redneck pick-up line:
"The fact I'm missing mah teeth just means
they's more room fer yer tongue."
Q: What do you call a redneck and his sister?
A: A marriage waiting to happen.
Is there a point where one Irishman will look at another and call him an
idiot?
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
Did you hear about the Irishman who sued the local
baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun....?
Warning: The surgeon general has determined that cigars can be
hazardous to your political career.
I've finally had it ... I'm going to tell the next person who asks how
I really feel!
I believe five out of our people have trouble with fractions.
Beginning to a Northern fairy tale, "One upon a time ..." Beginning to a
Southern fairy tale, "Y'all aint gonna believe this ..."
The introduction of the new "security enhanced" Pentium III has prompted
Microsoft to change its slogan to, "We know where you went today."
Harry Belafonte turned 72. his friends threw him a party, but when daylight
come, everybody go home. (Miller)
Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies in San Jose.
No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be 4 feet tall, have blue fur
and live somewhere on Sesame Street.
Calvin Klein didn't renew Kate Moss' contract. She was so upset, she
couldn't throw up for a week.
Ford's new sport utility vehicle, the Excursion, is 19 feet long and weighs
3 1/2 tons. Instead of cup holders, it comes with two crew members and a
beverage cart.
Reebok says they will lay off some 3,000 workers at its Indonesian plants.
That should save the payroll about $100.
Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of light.
Know how they do it? They take a beam of light, and they aim it through a
post office.
Journalists: 99.9 percent of them give the rest of the profession a bad
name.
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
"And I never could have afforded to buy my new house on my own.
My old neighbours chipped in to buy it for me."
From your spouse: "Don't you think we have a pretty good idea of what in
the house belongs to you and what belongs to me?"
From your new next-door neighbour: "I was just wondering: About how long
does it take the cops to get here from the first sound of gunshots?"
From your barber: "This haircut is gonna be on the house."
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in
the dark. Michael Landon
"I plan to live forever or die trying."
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.-
If sports builds character, how come most basketball coaches behave
like spoiled children?
I'd rather watch six hours of ice fishing than 20 minutes of the NBA.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but an SUV is just a `90s version of the
station wagon.
Sign in a butcher shop window: "Let us meat your needs."
As if prison wasn't enough to John Gotti to deal with, now he has to
worry about the Salt Lake Olympic Committee moving in on his
racketeering and bribery business.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal
family?
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her
and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I
sent them to her dad.-
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realise, Oh my
God....I could be eating a slow learner
The laundromat is NOT a good place to meet girls. Any woman who can't
afford a washer and dryer can't possibly support you in proper style.
I've heard that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of luggage
lost by the airlines.
A brat is a child with more talent than yours.
My child could learn if your child would quit disrupting the class.
For all visitors: Welcome to Atlanta, the Bandwagon Capital of the
World.
I love the words "demolish," "buy" and "build." They're so Atlanta.
If at first you don't succeed, trying doing it like your wife told you
to.
"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."
You think your high school was tough? My high school was so tough
that when the teacher asked what comes at the end of a sentence, three
guys answered, "You appeal."
Why do TV stations send someone "live" to the scene of something that
happened yesterday?
Want a sure fire way to get your kids to play with their old toys? Try
having a yard sale.
My Yankee husband says it would be nice to live in a beautiful old
Southern mansion, except for the still unanswered question: Who would
clean it?
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
Yet another church billboard: "When you fight fire with fire, you end
up with a bunch of ashes."
I haven't bothered to learn the names of the new people at the health
club. I know they won't be there next week.
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
I can picture a world without war, a world without hate. And, I can
picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get your home earlier.
Bob Hope is 95 years old. When he goes to the doctor, he says, "Keep
Hope alive."
A woman came up to me yesterday and told me my cigarette smoke was
bothering her. "Big deal," I told her, "it's killing me!"
President Clinton will always be remembered as
"The President after Bush."
Swedish auto maker Volvo is in talks to take over Italian auto maker Fiat.
They say their goal is to create the world's safest non functioning car.
This land is your land. This land is my land.
So stay on your land.
Q: What happened when the Irishman ate Italian food?
A: He got Gaelic breath
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he
came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.
Ahhhh, what is a home without children? Err, PAID FOR? !!
A Father asked his 5yearold son just what he thought he did to
earn a weekly allowance. "Well, for one thing," replied the lad, "I
keep your wife occupied all day."
She doesn't know why she's overweight, being a light eater...
Yeah ! As soon as it gets light, she starts eating
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the
Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an
election.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."
A new neighbour asked the little girl next door if she had any
brothers & sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
Once there was a man who had two peas up his nose, a carrot in one ear and a
hunk of steak in the other ear. He went to the doctor and said, "I'm not
feeling well."
The doctor said, ... "You're not eating right."
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug
which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should
I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
I think I drank too much coffee yesterday while I was working on our MATRIX.
At bedtime, I turned the light switch off and got into bed before the room
got dark.
Sister to brother, coming home from school to an empty house:
"Mommie can't be too far away, the phone's still warm."
Did y'all hear about the "Dial-A-Prayer" telephone service for agnostics ?
You dial the number and no one answers.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
One married guy has a fantasy -- he wants to watch 2 women:
one cleaning and the other one cooking.
Then there was the guy who met his wife at a single's bar...
It was quite a scene, he thought she was home with the kids.
Has anyone noticed how young the new female tennis stars are.
I got an autograph the other day, and she signed it in crayon.
Tiger Woods and Kevin Costner teamed up in a charity golf tournament.
Apparently everything was going fine, until Kevin Costner got stuck on a
water hazard and spent $200 million. (O'Brien)
Evel Knievel underwent a liver transplant. When the liver became available,
Knievel jumped at the chance.
Did you know that president Clinton is changing our national anthem?
From now on, it's going to be "Yank my doodle; it's a dandy!"
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
"Nice tooth!"
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in
trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
One day a St Kilda junkie named Jeff died. After Saint Peter reviewed his
life, he was sentenced to hell.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a tenfoot pole.
Q: What do you call an Irish pervert?
A: An Irishman who prefers sex to whisky.
I just found out my boss is taking away my Internet access because I
use it to read HUMOR everyday. Looks like I'm going to have to start
reading the comics again.
Is it true that all guys from New Zealand
always get a good nights sheep?
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A; The same thing as a French kiss... only down under!
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting Question
time and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. .....
I actually bought a politician.
To those women too beautiful to get a date: I'm forming a support
group at my place.
Any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
One cooking and the other cleaning
A new study reports that vitamin E can help cure memory loss. Or was it
vitamin D?
The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance.
Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to milk.
She'll get it by hook or ladder.
The bankers' pockets are bulging with the sweat of the honest working
man.
That's a very hard blow to swallow.
These haemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.
The slowdown is accelerating.
That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.
When we get to that bridge, we'll jump.
Don't sit there like a sore thumb
Everyone whose ox has been gored is going to be squealing.
It's time to swallow the bullet.
It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye.
The budget deficit is an albatross we carry on our back.
IThe sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's Box.
It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a fender.
Let dead dogs sleep.
Stop beating a dead horse to death.
Regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the
bucket.
From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a finetuned comb.
That guy's out to butter his own nest.
I would not have gone in there over my dead body.
Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a
little more help to get off the ground.
He threw a wet towel on the meeting.
We've got to be careful about getting too many cooks into this soup, or
somebody's going to think there's dirty work behind the crossroads.
We both had crewcuts, which made our ears stick out Eke sore thumbs.
In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole.
He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.
Let's hope that Steve Carlton gets his curve ball straightened out.
Let us nip this political monkey in the bud before it sticks to us like
a leech.
He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground.
I do hope that you don't think I've been making a mountain out of a mole
hole, but that's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.
Willynilly adj., impotent.
I don't believe it. A telemarketers hung up on me. Do I win a prize or
something?
If Bill Clinton testifies at the trial, would it make any sense to
swear him in?
He who Laughs, Lasts.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was
this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place.
Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta:
"We Have Japanese Body Parts!"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
What do the letters DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of
the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start
making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of
the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock
on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must
be the door, I'll get it!"
Her head whistles in a crosswind.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously
desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in
town?" The man replied, "Yes but we can't prove it yet."
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
I firmly believe that money cannot buy happiness. It can
however make misery far more comfortable.
Why is it in most nite clubs the tables are reserved but
the customers aren't ?
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means horrible, does terrific means terrible?
Q: Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Italians hate ALL witnesses.
Q: Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
A: Her husband was driving her buggy.
How can you make money these days?
Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer and you'll have a hundred sows and
bucks.
A Yuppette I know just got married. Her parents weren't sure what to give
the couple for a present, so they promised to pay for the divorce.
Men still try to convince their wives that golfing is good exercise and
that's why they go so much. I can see that all that climbing in & out of the
cart uses a lot of energy.
HOUSEHOLD TIP:
A mouse trap placed on top of your wife's alarm clock
will prevent her from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Did y'all ever hear a pessimist count his/her blessings...
"Five... Four... Three... Two..."
Q. What goes "zzub zzub" and flies up in the air?
A. A bumble bee in reverse gear
Q. What is the definition of nothing?
A. When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose
Euphemism of the Day: From the International Olympic Committee:
Previously unannounced business arrangement
Translation: A bribe.
Talk about terrible dilemmas. Pity the poor Jewish Mother
whose son was gay and dating a doctor.
An ancient database program, Primeway, throws up the following yes/no
dialog:
"Do you wish to backup your database, or have you already done so?"
Cantaloupe (kantelope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (childbrth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand
and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lipstik) n
On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Waterproof Mascara (wahtrpruf maskarah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to
remove it.
Valentine's Day (valentinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
The Social Security worker was forced to give up coffee. He
found it made him toss and turn all day at his desk.
Sign seen at local day care center: "Two-year-old teacher needed."
If they combined country with rap, would they call it crap?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
The weather is here... Wish you were beautiful...
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast
Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work
Mrs JimJr lives great on my income; now I need one of my own
If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can
Maybe he/she doesn't "act stupid"; it might be the real thing
If Clinton's tongue were notarised, I'd still think he's lying
If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it ?
Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers
If a man's "Captain of his ship", his wife's likely the Admiral
Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it
There's still "incurable romantics" we need better antibiotics
What this country needs is products that outlast the wrappings
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
Ever notice how ignorance picks up confidence as it goes along
A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran
Teamwork is as easy as freckles getting together to make a tan
Those who use body language need to improve their vocabularies
These days, an "underprivileged kid" only has one set of parents
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks
are coming from!
Reindeer: The Other White Meat!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards
to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you!"
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B52...F16...B2
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
Real women don't have hot flashes
They have POWER surges.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and
make you feel happy to be on your way.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss
the floor.
I put my contacts on inside out this morning.....
I had the feeling somebody was watching me all day long.
Sociopaths just do it.
The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl that he was
seeing a therapist.
"That's nothing." she replied. "I'm seeing a therapist, two engineers, a
plumber and a doctor."
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two... but you have to wonder how they got in there.
Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb?
To help out the blonde that's been trying for weeks.
How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the whole Collective enjoys the experience!
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.... let the bitch do the dishes in the dark!
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eno
Does it change many dyslexics how to take a light bulb?
How many fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your
donation today.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether the switch is on or off.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really
good bulbs.
How many surrealist painters does it take to change
a light bulb?
A fish.
Save your burned out bulbs for me...
I'm building my own dark room.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says. "Daddy I want a new apartment."
Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation
today.
Q: How many born again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and shout "I've seen
the light!"
All generalisations are false, including this one.
Barney made me glad that dinosaurs are extinct.
Older people are younger today than older people were when we were young.
I'm at a place somewhere between "haste makes waste" and "he who hesitates
is lost."
These days a club exclusively for women is where you knock after you enter.
I saw an ad in the paper the other day for a battery charger. At the bottom
of the ad it said, "Batteries not included".
I worry about hospitals. How can you expect to get better in a place that
calls what you had for lunch "Swiss Steak"
Ya know I'd feel far more confident about the Government insuring my bank
account if they weren't umpteen trillion
dollars in debt.
There's talk in Washington of downsizing the Government too, the way private
industry is currently doing in the US. But before y'all cheer, understand,
they're talking about closing 16 of the 50 states.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail. Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. English
Professor, Ohio University
ON POETIC LOVE
When youre swimmin' in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's
a moray! Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly coloured machine tools.
Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force. Dorothy Parker
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earththey are too weak to refuse.
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 not even for very large values of 2.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go
downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong
with me?
Doctor : Yes ... 'you're f&king crackers.'
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's
Colin."
.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
TOASTS: To our wives and lovers . . . may they never meet!
Angry woman says: If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee
Angry man says: Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me. they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of Portraits
by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a
jackass who'll pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
How are men and parking spots alike?
All the good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid, until she closed
her curtains.
He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumour that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him for
palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks: "So how's the leather
been lately?"
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants -
its called 'Arson'.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor
licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
My friend so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his mail
forwarded.
He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know who
can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Pardon without using his hands!
I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Hungry Jack's and Pizza
Hut.
I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys
in the car.
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
To errr is human, to really stuff up something up takes a computer.
Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard
can find it.
I can't wait to get really old - then I can actually pick my nose in public.
Dumb? He's so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so
he won't lock himself out.
My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to tie me to
the tracks!
When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask
the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose
which colour.
Women! First they marry you for your money, then they divorce you for it!
I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd rather a Tom
Cruise.
My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night - three
times!"
He's just a bit kinky - only went through nursing school so he could wear
white pantyhose.
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the
Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.
I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I
think about doing some exercise.
Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room
against his will. Problem was he all alone.
My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of
Tuesday's and Friday's.
You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your
husband wearing your bra and panties - and he looks better in them.
Ugly? She's so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of Notre
Dame, without make-up.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her a
flamethrower would be quicker.
We have a self-cleaning refrigerator - she leaves stuff in there so long, it
eventually crawls out under it's own steam.
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings about
that.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words - "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been".
He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic bags to play with.
Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
Where would you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him.
A sandwich walked into a bar. The barman said, "Sorry, we don't serve food
here".
<Picture: Alfred E. Neuman Quotes>
"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll
show you the door!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education,
while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life
of crime!"
"Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now
refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"
"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much
cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is
research?"
"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like
adults!"
"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss
America?"
"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be
heard!"
"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when
you pick your nose!"
These days, the only time politicians are telling the truth are when they
call each other liars!
The first thing a man notices about a woman...depends on which way she's
going!
It's better to sleep on something you plan to do than to be kept awake by
something you've done.
Experience is something you never have until just after you need it.
A lot of people who complain they don't get what they deserve don't know how
lucky they are.
Life is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water!
How come every time the government hammers out a budget we're the ones who
get nailed?
Why is it that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to
weather forecasts and economists?
Do you remember when atmospheric contaminants were romantically called
stardust?
I hate talking cars. A voice out of nowhere says things like, "your door is
ajar." Why don't they say something really useful, like "there's a state
trooper hiding behind that bush?"
When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the
doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the
doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the
doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he.
Billybob, a Calgary trucker, takes off for a quick holiday in Florida before
driving back to Regina for the gray cup. He's about to jump in the surf,
but, hey, he's in Florida, so he figures he'd better check out the alligator
situation.
"Nope, no gaters here." Says a local.
Billybob is way out in the water, when his brain kicks in again. "how come
there's no gators?" He yells back to the fella on the shore.
"they're afraid of the sharks," yells the local.
Uncle Bob's wise words:
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising
with the enemy.
People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or
shipwrecked.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell
collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe
you've seen it?
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his
work.
You know you're old if you can remember when radios plugged in and
toothbrushes didn't.
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus
well enough to see you clearly.
A man who says marriage is a 5050 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 women, 2 fractions.
If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge of the bed
you'll soon drop off.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed, well so much for sky diving.
It's tough being a politician. Half your reputation is ruined by lies; the
other half is ruined by the truth!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was doing monkey impressions.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and
12 claws on each foot?
Sir.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Subject: Facile comments about contemporary life
Oh great. We get rid of Newt and now we have Drew Carey as speaker of
the House.
I used to call old people grandma. Now I call them sister.
I'm glad impeachment will tie Congress up. I just wish we could tie up
the state legislature.
In the 1960s, it was plastic; in the 1970s, it was polyester.
In the 1980s, it was silicone; in the 1990s, it's latex.
Just once I would like to go to a theater and not have someone kick
the back of my seat during the movie.
Don't knock fruitcake. It's the best rat poison I've ever used.
Radio traffic and weather every six minutes; commercials every six
seconds.
I never thought I would see the day when oranges cost more than pork,
and a gallon of gasoline is cheaper than a bottle of water.
I've reached the aged where I'd rather feel good than look good.
I don't try to remember my mistakes. That's what my wife's for.
I would like to thank the Postal Service for getting my junk mail to
me on time.
If children can read and write, they are old enough to send a
thankyou note to their grandparents for their Christmas gifts.
If I don't get a card they don't get a present next year.
I asked my wife if she wanted to go an another honeymoon. She said,
"Yes, but not with you."
When I was married, I was not allowed to have friends. After I got
divorced, I had many friends, but they all left when I stopped buying
the beer.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Trapezoid: a device for catching zoids.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The road to to success is always under construction.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Thanks to automatic teller machines, we no longer have to tell children
money doesn't grow on trees. They now think it comes out of a wall.
We've finally got the puppy paper trained. Now if we could just get him to
wait until we've finished reading the paper!
You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My ship came in, but I was at the train station.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't
ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at
it, it's probably deserved.
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counselling; if you can
use either one, it's a miracle.
“I’m a walking economy," a man was overheard saying. "My hairline's in
recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting
me in a great depression."
And god said, "Let there be light." And there was light.
And god said, "Gee, I didn't know I could do that."
Child to mother; "My teacher thinks I'm going to be famous. She said all I
have to do is mess up one more time and I'm history!"
Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is
passed on you?"
Defendant: "No, your honor, my lawyer took my last dollar."
Did you hear about the freighter bound for San Francisco with a cargo of
yoyos that got caught in violent pacific storm? It sank 42 times
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
Don't worry about the world ending today it's already tomorrow in Australia.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
Woman to friend: “I still miss my ex husband but my aim is getting better."
One fly to another fly; "your human is open."
Have you ever seen:
A home run?
A kitchen sink?
A rubber band?
A cigar box?
A king fish?
A fire fly?
A ginger snap?
A salad bowl?
A picket fence?
What did George Washington say when he got his report card?
'I went down in history.'
They never die!
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old journalists never die, they just get depressed.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification
What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime?
A small medium at large.
What's green and makes holes?
A drill pickle.
Did you hear about the new brand of Jewish tires?
They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your
windshield?
It's asshole.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How many OJ jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
None of them believe it is broken.
Did you hear about the new OJ Simpson screen saver for Windows95?
When it launches it hangs your system for a year.
In OJ's next marriage I hope he doesn't get confused and cuts the bride and
kisses the cake.
SONY also put him on staff for their Walkman.
URL for OJ's Homepage: http://///nicole///////ron.
Hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead next to a brick.
Who has the right of way when four cars approach a fourway stop at the same
time?
The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
When driving through fog, what should you use? Your car.
What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Heavy psychedelic’s.
What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Carry loaded weapons.
Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.
How did the Irish guy burn his ear? The phone rang while he was ironing.
How did he burn his other ear? The bastards called again!
My wife married me for money. I married her for sex. We both lost.
How can a woman tell she is ugly? Men only want to play dress poker with
her.
What is love? The delusion that one woman is different from another.
What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat.
What do the TV shows Green Acres and Roseanne have in common? A pig named
Arnold.
How can you tell a woman is really trashy? She brings a date to her
wedding.
How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A cannibal takes one look at her
and orders a salad.
How can you tell if a woman s cooking is really lousy? Natives from the
Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their
minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing
before he could tell anybody.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Did you hear about the woman so fat she could not get out of bed? She kept
rocking herself back to sleep.
How does a woman know that she is overweight? She's lying at the beach and
people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea
How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife? Her pet name is Spot.
How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has stretch
marks.
How can you tell if a woman is really fat? She goes to Japan, and the sumo
wrestlers cower in fear.
How can a woman tell she is flatchested? She looks down her dress and the
only bumps she sees are knees.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong? Made her chain to long.
Reporter: Did you visit the Parthenon during your trip to Greece.
Shaquille O'Neal: I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we
went to.
You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all
of the time, but politicians only have to fool the small percentage that
bother to vote.
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa!
Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Life sucks, I lent a mate ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't
know what he looks like.
Nikki Lauda to be Tyson's next opponent.
SWM seeks SWM to tell me what SWM means.
"There is no end, no beginning, there is only the infinite passion of life"
Federicko Fellini
Operator! Give me the number for 911!.
How to drive in Melbourne by Vic Rhodes.
Q. What does a Bat fear most?
A. Diahorrea.
One flea talking to the other:
“Shall we walk today, or take the dog?”.
THE FACTS OF LIFE:
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
If you are given an openbook exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a takehome test, you will forget where you
live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
"When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised
that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for
forgiveness."
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss. "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale
improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get
the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar
territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective
barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself.
My new Boss is a bastard, too but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a
SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created
to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input
would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under
qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so openminded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'. Till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Do witches run spell checkers?.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copwight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!.
What has four legs and an arm?. A happy pit bull.
What is a silver dollar made of anyway?
Name the winning Jockey of the 1993 greyhound derby?
In the Shepparton sheep dog trials, how many were found guilty?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last, thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard, press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space, delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalisations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 halflives.
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of dat.
A day without sunshine is like night.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.
Who is General Failure and whys he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I'm so cheap I always wash my paper plates.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Multitasking, screwing up several things at once.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Maytag is my middle name. I'm an agitator.
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
Fish 'n Shits the NEW tuna flavoured laxative from Metamucil.
Polynesi memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
25. 806975 the square root of the beast.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine, to crow and moo, Bovine disease.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Vidi, vici, veni: I saw, I conquered, I came.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Tagline! You're it!
Dear Saint, all I want is your list of naughty girls.
Real newspaper headline: Miners refuse to work after death.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Man who smoke pot, choke on handle.
Kurt Cobain Soft Drink: it's extremely bitter and it has no head.
MicroSloth: "Bringing you tenyearold technology, tomorrow, maybe.”
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9. 8 m/s/s.
Coming Soon: Mouse Support for Edlin!
A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into.
Sysop: the guy laughing at your typing.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Miss"
Jesus died for our sins. and all I got was this lousy Tshirt!
"I can quote pi to 30,000 decimal places" Apu "Mmmm. pi" Homer
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Mary had a little lamb. and Mulder was determined to find out why.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
Micro$oft: if at first you don't succeed, tell them all you have.
A dry sense of humour is better than slobbering everywhere.
Rap is to music what the Etch a Sketch is to art.
[# #M #XTR#M#LY ST#P#D]"I'd like to buy a vowel. an 'O'?”
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.
To err is human, to fly porcine.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Sine curves go off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
Confucius say too much.
Confucius say, Don't quote me with stupid accent.
Crime does not pay. as well as politics.
Do something big Screw a giant.
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain; and most fools do.
Debug is human, defix divine.
Other than that Mrs.Kennedy, how did you like the parade?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Stop licking your bowl and flush it like everyone else!
Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM.
"Mulder! FBI! I have a few questions for you Mr Kent.”
Verbing weirds language. Calvin.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
Arnie before chess: "I'll be black!"
Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.
If she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
If it's not on fire, then it's a software problem.
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday. " Student: "Not a bit."
A cat crept into a crypt, crapped, & crept out again.
Maths & beer don't mix, so don't drink and derive.
To become a coroner one must first sit a stiff exam.
Critical mass: religious service for book and film reviewers
I was “this” close to seeing Elvis but my shovel broke.
New this Christmas: The John Bobbitt doll. Some assembly required.
A hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
"@#$%! I've struck oil", Tom said, crudely.
Censorship is &%^$!
Christmas ideas: Divorced Barbie. She comes with all of Ken's stuff!
Only XT users know that 1st January 1980 was a Tuesday!
Famous Last Words: "Leave the top down. It's a nice day." JFK.
The most popular language among programmers is profanity.
Microsoft Technical support: DIAL 1800SUCKERS.
We called our teacher turtle 'cause she tortoise.
Life is like an analogy.
Help stamp out, abolish and eliminate redundancy!
Biplane: The last word a pilot says before bailing out.
The boss said leave an emergency number while on holiday. I wrote 000.
Question:=$FF; { Optimised Hamlet }
Sorry about the crayon, they won't let me have any sharp objects.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
Never put off until tomorrow what you could avoid indefinitely.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
"My stereo's halffixed," said Tom monotonously.
If at first you don't succeed, Microsoft has a job for you.
To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
The world is coming to an end. Press any key to continue.
If at first you don't succeed, call it WINDOWS 95.
You can name your own salary here, I call mine Fred.
That music is kinda nice, my compliments to the clef.
Please hold, a service representative will annoy you shortly.
The only good Mac is a Big Mac!
Fear: when you see B8 00 4C CD 21 and you know what it means.
Psychic midget escapes prison SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
Monday is the root of all evil!
MEMBERS AND NONMEMBERS ONLY
Sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio From a book
called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder.
They compiled some really great graffiti, and here is a sample:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
How did you get that fur coat?
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.
O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get
wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her shit.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. Descartes
To be is to do. Voltaire
Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES!
But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress! Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow,
isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK (only slightly edited)
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a dinner hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
What do you call a little burro burrito
What do you call a little taco tacito
What do you call a little Judge Judge ito
Brownian motion. Jogging girl scout.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go
to lunch or to a movie?.
My wife ran off with my best friend. I sure do miss him!.
What do you call an intelligent woman in America? A tourist.
Most accidents happen at home. and the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.
Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"
Some mornings I wake up grouchy. and some mornings I just let her sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
May you never sneeze backwards. Unknown
We're not lost; we're locationally challenged. John M.Ford
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest
of the day. Unknown
Do or do not. There is no 'try'. Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back.
When you're as great as I am it's hard to be humble. Muhammad Ali.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and
does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. Fletcher Knebel.
Time flies like an arrow; banana flies like a fruit. Groucho Marx.
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read. Groucho Marx.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark
Twain.
Either the wallpaper goes, or I do. Oscar Wilde, last words.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney.
Jury, n: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Unknown.
Remember what O. J. and Christopher Reeves have in common?
A white bronco gave them both serious problems.
What would you get if Joe Montana killed 3 people?
A NEW NFL RECORD!
What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it?
It let out a little wine.
Why don't the Irish have checking accounts?
It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
Why don't Irish marry blacks?
Then their kids would be too lazy to steal.
What would you have when there are two Irishmen in a box?
A pair of loafers.
Why can't Irish become Doctors?
It's too hard to spray paint prescriptions.
Why do Irish have noses?
To have something to pick in the off season.
What do the Irish do when the Asians moved into the neighbourhood?
Buy auto insurance.
How do you starve the Irish?
Hide their Food Stamps under their work boots.
What do you call an Irishman with no arms?
Trustworthy
What do Irish and sperm have in common?
Only one in a thousand work.
What do call the Irish without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
Why do Irish keep tin foil on their noses?
To keep their lunch warm.
What do you get when you cross a chicano and a polock?
A kid who spray paints his name on a chain link fence.
What's the definition of a Texan?
The Mexican who got lost on his way to Chicago.
Did you hear about the new Black/Mexican restaurant that's opening in
Chicago?
It's called Nacho Mam.
What do you call the Mexican baptism?
A bean dip.
Why did Saint Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?
He only had 2 cars.
How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
One, if you hit him just right.
How many policemen does it take to arrest a beaner?
5. 1 to handcuff him and 4 to pick up the oranges.
What's brown & greasy and slides down the chimney?
Sanchez Claus
Why do Mexicans eat Tamales at Christmas?
So they'll have something to unwrap!
What's brown & greasy and has four gears?
Manuel Shift
Why don't Mexicans have barbeques?
The beans keep slipping through the grill.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Who was Alexander Graham Belsky?
The first telephone pole.
What do you call one hundred rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line!
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A fur coat.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
WORLD NEWS CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjbvdnz, Grzny to be first recipients
How about Jesus walking into a motel, throws three nails on the counter and
says:
"Can you put me up for the night?"
A cannibal hurried into his house and said, "Honey, am I late for dinner?"
"Yes," she replied, "Everyone's already eaten."
Did you hear that Irish swimmer's mum was so proud of her daughter's winning
Olympic performances that she's had her medals bronzed & put on the
mantlepiece!
And why do most men die before their wives.
Because they want to!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive.”
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your motherinlaw better than I like mine.
Whats the hardest thing about cooking star vegetables?
Getting Superman out of the wheelchair.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. Mae
West.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone
that you cannot live without.
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was
such a fool when I married you. " Retorts her husband: "That's so true.
But I was in love and didn't notice."
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!
Feminism: A socialist, antifamily political movement that encourages women
to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbian.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy and some mornings I just let her sleep!
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you
throw them.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy
institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette.
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
Noel Coward, 1956.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in
EuropeJackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out. Montaigne.
GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY: My wife is just as beautiful as when I married her
20 years ago. Now it just takes her longer.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married; and then it was too late.
How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
After All These Years Together.
Forty: the age when a man starts to get thin at the top while his wife
starts to get thick at the bottom.
Whats the difference:
An Australian and yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
A vulture and a Jewish mother?
At least a vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out.
An Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
A dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A 6 and a 10?
About 6 beers.
A man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
A flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
The colour.
Between drunks and alcoholics ?
Alcoholics don't have to go to meetings.
What do you call a chinaman sitting on a fence Pai Ling.
What type of perfume do New Zealand women wear?
Mint Sauce.
What do you call a dog with metal balls, and no back legs SPARKY!
Did you hear OJ is starting a new Limo company?
Not only will you get there in time you will have an hour to kill!
Did you hear that OJ is getting married again?
He thought he would take another stab at it!
Did you hear that OJ got a new promo deal with NIKE!
The slogans going to be, Just say you didn't do it!
What is OJ Simpson's internet address?
Slash slash back slash escape.
What did O J say as he left the court house?
Can I have my gloves back please?
OJ has changed his name due to all the bad publicity he has gotten.
His new name is Scott Free.
Overheard in a petri dish:
"After they made you, sweetheart, they threw away the mold.”
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."
The toughest time. In anyone's life. Is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.
I ran three miles today, finally I said "Lady, take your purse.”
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People come up to me and they're worried. That I'll reproduce.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
straps.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye. And dragged it
fifteen feet.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a
bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well, what else
would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers.
damn anthropologists.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to
get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re election to
the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only
using blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed 800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realised it had a scratch on it.
You know what I hate? Indian givers. No, I take that back.
What goes tap, tap, tap, BOOM?
A blind man in a minefield.
If a tax inspector and a politician were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What's the difference between an insane pit bull and a woman with PMT?
Makeup.
Two Irishmen, walking through the forest, they see a sign which says 'Tree
Fellers Wanted'. One says 'Pity there's only two of us.'
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Lee Iacoca?
AUTOEXEC. BAT
Found on fortune cookie:
"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery
products."
What's got 4 legs and 1 eye?
A snooker table with half a sheep's head on it.
Sign for a local Nappy Service " BUM WRAPS "
Why did the sand blush?
Because it saw the sea weed.
Politicians are like nappies. They both should be changed often. And for
the same reason.
Our heavenly father invented MAN, because he was disappointed with the
monkey.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Why was the programmer found dead in the shower?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle read:
"Rinse, Lather, Repeat."
MacDonald's have released a brand new hamburger and they are using Mel
Gibson to advertise it. They are calling it "MADMAC's".
Paddy had been stranded on the deserted island for two years. Then one
afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it
on the beach, where he knocked it to bits and made a raft.
There was a power failure in a Dublin department store. Thousands of
shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours.
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Young Teresa came home and related the awesome news to her parents. She was
pregnant. "How do you know it's yours?" asked her dad.
"Teresa has just had twins," roared Murphy angrily.
"Wait till I get my hands on the other fellow.”
Paddy: "If you can guess how many chooks I have in this bag you can have
both of them." "Three?" suggested Shaun.
Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air?
He missed.
What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.
Did you hear about the failed Irish attempt to climb Mt.Everest?
They ran out of scaffolding.
Did you hear about the Irishman who went duckhunting?
He couldn't get any because he couldn't throw his dog high enough.
Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick.
Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their heads into the jars.
How can you tell the Irish submarine?
It's the one with the flyscreens and deckchairs.
Did you hear about the Irish dingo?
It ate the pram.
Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted personalised number plates on his
car?
He changed his name to 'XYZ 729'.
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Why did the Irishman leave the empty milk carton in the fridge?
Just in case someone wanted a black coffee.
How do you get a onearmed Irishman down from a pole?
Wave to him.
Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
Last night I dreamt that Dolly Parton was my mother.
I also found out in that dream that
I WAS BLOODY WELL BOTTLE FED
He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
Why did the Irishman fall out of the tree?
He was raking leaves and lost his footing.
What's the difference between a Harley and an Electrolux???
The dirtbag sits in a different spot on a Harley!
What kind of pliers do you use in Mathematics?
Multipliers!
My Business card:
Why do women have legs?
Old : To get from the kitchen to the bedroom.
What do you call the brown stuff between elephants toes?
"Slow natives"
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?
If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Why do elephants drink?
(A little sadly) To forget.
What is the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?
One is a bar room, the other is a BAROOOOOM!
What does the Easter Bunny get for making baskets?
2 or 3 points. like everyone else.
What goes hith hith?
A lithping thnake!
Did you hear about the veterinarian who was also a taxidermist?
No matter what happens, you'll always get your pet back.
What's the difference between a catfish and a politician?
One's a bottomfeeding scumsucker and the other's a fish.
Why do frogs say "rivet, rivet"?
Because they can't say "nuts and bolts".
How do you get 600 cows into a barn?
Tell 'em it's bingo night!
How many Zen Budhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one not to screw in the light bulb.
Moses walks back up the mountain and he calls up to god,
"Let me get this right, the Arabs get all the oil, and we get to cut the
ends of our what?"
What do you get when you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy butter.
What's the best thing about a blind man bunjee jumping ?
The look on his labradors' face.
What is the difference between a female and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
What is the difference between a female and a computer?
A computer doesn't reject 3 & 1/2 (half) inch floppies.
What's Green and Red and sits in a tree looking stupid?
An academically challenged Apple!
Three little pigs went to football.
One little pig went to mark it.
Why are men like tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the
rest of their lives.
Why are parking spots and men the same?
Because the good ones are always taken, and those left are handicapped.
But what's the difference between your wife whinging at the front door, and
the dog whinging at the back door?
When you let the dog in, it stops.
Never moon a werewolf.
I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
your name"
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
is.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of LAXETTES, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventyfive cents.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on
the clothesline.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.
Love is blind, but marriage can be a real eye opener.
Courtship: Is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalogue.
Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.
Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're
standing on.
The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it
once.
Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook
a lifetime of contentment.
A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a
beautiful woman singing in the tub.
The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with
experience.
Cosmetics: A woman’s' means for keeping a man from reading between the
lines.
What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
Ask a woman her age.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
As the golfer trudged towards the 19th hole at the Royal Melbourne, he
muttered, 'That was my worst game ever.' To which the caddy replied, 'You
mean you've played before?
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana!
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
MEN! CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CANT SHOOT THEM EITHER!
Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em.
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an
elevator.
There is a $10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up? The businessman;
the other two don't exist!
What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A divorcee!
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing
before he could tell anybody!
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! and what was she doing out of
the kitchen anyway?
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's
told!
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it.
Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic!"
"My sister gave birth in a state of the art delivery room," said one man to
another. “It was so hightech that the baby came out as cordless."
Look on the bright side : no matter how old you are, you are younger that
you will ever be again.
The effect of computers on young children was brought home to me by my
fouryearold cousin. When asked if he could spell his name, he replied, "Of
course I can. L, A, R, R, Y, enter."
"I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, than screaming
in terror like his passengers. "Unknown.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. Boy With Pail.
Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in
the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want,
and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back
you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I
melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 711 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"tenfour."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I
did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.
I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not
in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium.”
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.
I met this wonderful girl at Myer's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some giftwrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it.
"He said, “How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar
has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh."
Today I dialled a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?". They said, "Uh. I don't think so.
He's only 2 months old. " I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.
I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this !
I down to the pet store "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday"
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store.
With a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or
I'm marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.
They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he
said: "Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and
I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it. it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. so I never
have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of
my face.
The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead, I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house.
The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two
minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.
If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a oneway deadend road.
I don't know how I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.
I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding,
and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it
on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my
driveway!"
For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. no place to park it,
so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must
be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes
right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to
be out that long."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,= "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read.’
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly). and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Yesterday I parked my car in a towaway zone.
When I came back the entire area was missing.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time
to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
left."
So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right.
My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite
dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks."
She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building.
On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.
(picks up his glass of water from the stool).
I like to live on the edge.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarean section. but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child. eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple wooden horse.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he
was eight years old.
My school colours were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the
band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put
the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't
obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It pisses
me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?
You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago. no, it was yesterday.
Today I. No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I. No, I don't.
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912.
Well, to make a long story short.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorised autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper, (said with a very dull voice).
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35,.
"So, do you live around here often?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I
got some flipup contact lenses.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I
wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology.
The study of milkmen.
He was a multimillionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and. ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she
got poison ivy on the brain.
When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about
sandpaper.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "the whole time." It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when
birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.
I think George is weird, because he has false teeth, with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge.
You can't hear him talk.
If toast always lands butterside down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another
sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss.
I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States. Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =
1 mile."
I spent last summer folding it. I also have a fullsize map of the world. I
hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I am kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the
game he was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
The whole time I had the money on me, he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up.
He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."
The thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George.
At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.
Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of light, and you
turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until
I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a
year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
My aunt gave me a walkietalkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can
get me five.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?
Smoking cures weight problems. eventually.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I photocopied my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors.
The walls are covered with see through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a
period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska
Now Saint Claus is missing.
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.
I got a spell checker and I can't write without it anymore.
I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words “mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good
idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable until I realised it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
Most people don't realise that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhoea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down.
I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on
the porch? A jackolantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to
that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real lim, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
is that thing?
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heavenwith a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the carI forget what kind it was and drive and
drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad. " We'd eat some
stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never
leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying. " And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks. "I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burnedout
warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon colour to a sort of flint grey, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how grey he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
When I was a kid my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort
of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
It's really sad when a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a
pack of wild dogs.
If they ever come up with a swash buckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
I'd like to be buried Indianstyle, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around
the Sun.
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bite her on the ass.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're
gone.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: "No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less".
"I have nothing against women. I think every man should own one"
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the
time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Six... One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around and drink
until the room spins.
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
How many Californian’s does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
How many Oregonian’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californian’s
who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power
plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None 'o yo' damn business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That’s a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee (binary only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops
it, and the others call for a planning session.
A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of
their subordinates to actually change it.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
None of your damn business!
How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilisation to
the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many premed students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under
him.
How many GLADIATORS does it take to change a light bulb?
1, but u have to have someone say "light bulb ready!"
How many homicidal maniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb is already DEAD.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb
insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is
Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":None. Zen masters carry their own light.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old
light bulb was.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC75004390001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions
are of the form ". Consists of sequences of nonblank characters separated by
blanks".
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to
shoot the witness. 10,
How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than
with a man.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many "prolifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment
they began screwing.
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room
spins.
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile.
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
None; assholes never see the light anyway.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your
finger while I go get a new bulb?"
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
About one third less than for a regular bulb.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
"How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"151, one to screw the lightbulb in, and 150 to selfdestruct the ship out of
disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light
bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce
the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no
more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to
his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet,
Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock,
Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security
officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing
party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward
the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can
carry.
Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time
to beam up Kirk et.al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise
continues with its five year mission.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three. (Notes: think height!)
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many runningdog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store
where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of
nothingness.
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
one.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
One. He gives it to six Californian’s, thereby reducing the problem to an
earlier joke.
One. He gives it to five Oregonian’s, thereby reducing the problem to an
earlier joke.
: In an earlier article, zeus! bobr writes:
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a
light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches
them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? We don't know.
They never get past the feasibility study.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle.
One to change the bulb.
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it
before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out,
and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs
work smarter, not harder."
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light
bulbs too.
Do you know why they don't let Mexicans into the fire department?
Because they can't tell hosea from hoseb!
How come the Mexican army only used 600 Mexicans at the alamo?
Because they only had 2 cars.
How do 3 Mexican cross the Rio grand?
One swims and the other 2 cross on the scum.
What do you call the Mexican woman with no legs who's trying to stand up?
Consuelo
What do you call the Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.
What do you call the Mexican midget?
A speck.
What do you get when you cross the Mexican with an oriental?
A car thief who can't drive
What do you get when you cross the Irish with an octopus?
I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce
What is the name of Mexico's telephone company?
"Taco Bell.”
What would you call the Mexican gigolo?
Juan for the money!
Why aren't there any swimming pools in Mexico?
Because all the Mexican who can swim are over here.
Why do Mexican’s eat beans for dinner?
So they can take bubble baths.
Why do Mexican have refried beans?
Have you ever heard of Mexican’s doing anything right the first time?
Why wasn't Christ born in Ireland?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
How many Irishmen does it take to grease a car?
One if you hit 'em right.
If a polack and the Irish fall off the top of a tall building, who hits the
ground first?
The polack, because the Irish stopped to spray his name on the wall.
The Irish, because the polack got lost.
Who cares?
What is a wiener?
The first one to cross the line at the Irish track meet.
Why was the Irish so excited?
He found out he could use right guard under his left arm!
Why is there so little great Irish literature?
Spray paint wasn't invented until 1950.
Why is the average age of the Irish army, 40?
Because they take 'em right out of high school!
Why don't they give Irishmen a whole hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.
Why don't the Irish play hide and seek?
Because no one would look for them.
Why don't Irishmen have checking accounts?
Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.
Why don't Irish women breast feed their children?
It hurts too much to boil their nipples!
Why does the new Irish navy have glass bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Irish navy.
Why do the Irish wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap?
So that he will know which end to wipe.
Why do Irishmen pick at their belly buttons when their plates are clean?
They want an afterdinner lint.
Why do Irishmen make the best astronauts?
Because they take up space in school.
Why do Irishmen make such lousy lovers?
They always wait for the swelling to go down.
Why do Irishmen have noses?
So they have something to pick in the wintertime.
Why do Irish police have man dog teams?
Two heads are better than one.
Why did the Irish wear rubbers on his ears?
He was afraid of hearing aids.
Why did the Irish spy bug the enemy's toilets?
So he could monitor every movement.
Why did the Irish jump off the empire state building?
To show everybody that he had guts.
Why did the Irish get fired from his elevator operator job?
He forgot the route!
Why are they using Irishmen instead of laboratory rats in experiments now?
Irishmen breed faster and you don't get so attached to them.
Why are there no Irish pharmacies?
Hey can't figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter.
Why are Irishmen so quick on their feet?
Because they spend their first nine months dodging coat hangers.
Who won the Irish beauty contest?
Nobody.
Where does the Irish car pool meet?
At work!
What is long and hard that the Irish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
What is gross ignorance?
One hundred and fortyfour Irishmen.
What is a favourite Irish wine?
"You never take me anywhere"
What is the Irish pencil?
A pencil with erasers on both ends.
What happened to the Irish national library?
Someone stole the book.
What does it say at the top of an Irishman step ladder?
S t o p!
What does it say at the top of an Irishman milk bottle?
"See other end for instructions"
What does it say at the bottom of an Irishman milk bottle?
"Open other end"
What do you say to the Irish in a threepiece suit?
Will the defendant please rise!
What do you get when you cross the Irish and an ape.
A retarded ape.
What do you get when you cross the Irish and a squirrel?
A tree full of hub caps.
What do you get when you cross the Irish and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What do you do when the Irish throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you call an Irishman with buckteeth?
A rake!
What do you call an Irishman with a sesame seed on his head?
quarter pounder.
What do you call an Irishman with a fur hat and boots on?
Qtip!
What do you call an Irishman with a dog?
A vegetarian !
What do you call an Irishman with a dollar on his head?
A nail.
What do you call an Irishman in a fur coat?
A pipe cleaner.
What do you call an Irishman in a dinner jacket?
An optimist!
What do you call an Irishman lying under a wheel barrow?
A mechanic.
What do you call a pimple on the Irish ass?
A brain tumour.
What do you call the Irish with an IQ of 176?
A village.
What do you call the Irish paratrooper?
Instant air pollution.
What do you call the Irish on a water bed?
Lake placid.
What do you call the Irishman at university?
The caretaker.
What did the Irish mother say when her daughter told her she was pregnant?
Are you sure is yours?
What did the Irish lady get for using birth control?
A thousand dollars from crime stoppers!
What did the Irishman do with his first fifty cent piece?
He married her.
What are the three most difficult years in the Irish's life?
Second grade.
What are the Irish's latest inventions?
A helicopter with an ejection seat, and a solar powered flashlight.
How many Irishmen does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three, one to eat it and two to watch for cars.
How many Irishmen does it take to do the washing up?
None its women's work!
How does the Irish prepare for a trip in Alaska?
He packs a sixpack in case he has to leave a message in the snow.
How does every Irish joke start?
The teller looks over both of his shoulders.
How does an Irishman count his goats?
He just counts the legs, and divides by four.
How do the Irish count?
"1, 2, 3, another, tother, tother."
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch!
How do you sink the Irish battleship?
Put it in water.
How do you ruin the Irish party?
Flush the punch bowl.
How do you make an Irishman dizzy?
Stand him in a barrel and tell him to piss in the corner.
How do you make the Irish spill his pint?
Ask him the time.
How do you keep the Irish busy for hours?
Give him a card with "please turn over" written on both sides.
How do you get a one armed Irishman out of a tree?
Wave to him.
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Give him three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
How do you break the Irishman's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
How do you brainwash an Irishman?
Give him an enema.
How do we know there is an Irish Mafia?
They found two men with their heads tied together and shot through the
hands.
How come Irish can't use word processors?
They keep getting whiteout all over the screen.
How come Irish people only smell on one side?
They can never find "left guard" in the supermarket.
How can you tell the Irish firing squad?
They stand in a circle.
Have you heard about the Irish 500 car race?
The first car to start wins.
Did you here about the Irish woodworm?
It was found in a brick!
Did you hear how the Irish hockey team drowned?
Spring training!
Did you hear about the lazy Irishman?
He married a pregnant woman.
Did you hear about the Irishman who won a gold metal in the Olympics?
He took it home and got in bronzed.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was so stupid that other Irish noticed?
(none required)
Did you hear about the Irishman who promised to prevent potholes?
He brushed his street with crest.
Did you hear about the Irishman who moved his entire house six inches to the
side?
He needed to tighten his loose clothesline!
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in his car?
It took him an hour to get them out with a coat hanger.
Did you hear about the Irishman who heard that all accidents happen within a
1 mile radius of your house?
He moved!
Did you hear about the Irishman who gave up golf?
He lost his ball.
Did you hear about the Irishman who took up golf?
He found it.
Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who was sent to blow up a car?
He burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
Did you hear about the Irish prisoner who was found dead with two dozen
bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
Did you hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
Did you hear about the Irishman who failed as a tree surgeon?
He couldn't stand the sight of sap.
Did you hear about the Irishman who broke his neck raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Why don't Mexicans barbecue?
Because the beans slip through the grill
Anagrams.
Someone out there either has way too much time or is a demon at Scrabble.
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
This one's truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns
rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!"
Nope, one more!
The following phrase is a perfect anagram for the
impeachment trial:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each
letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Dan TBNB
Rocket (CBRXX1100) <spam_yourname@-|yourisp|-.spamstinks.com> wrote in
message news:ZvZ75.5197$c5.1...@newsfeeds.bigpond.com...
> HUMOUR SHOULD BE FREE
>
> BELOW IS A SMALL COLLECTION OF WHAT I CLASSIFY AS ONE -LINERS FOR YOUR
> ENJOYMENT
> THESE ARE PREDOMINANTLY NON ADULT (NOW THAT'S A SURPRISE)
>
> ENJOY
>
> - Rocket
>
Some top stuff there! Long periods of reading interspersed with occasional
LOLs!
Interesting surname you have. Fancy the biggest motorcycle manufacturer in
the world using YOUR name for a bike. Incredible.
Daniel GSX-R750WT
Ian Gogay
> Interesting surname you have. Fancy the biggest motorcycle manufacturer in
> the world using YOUR name for a bike. Incredible.
>
> Daniel GSX-R750WT
>
What a coincidence!!!
Ian GSX600S
The long winter evenings must just fly by ;-)