Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'
Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?

[Bill McCray]

My Congressman sent me an autographed 3-D photograph that's so
realistic every time I pass it I instinctively check to make sure
I still have my wallet.

[Bill McCray]

Try not to settle in a town where the mayor runs the most
thriving business -- and that's a funeral home.

[Bill McCray]

I lived next in a town that was so tough they only had one trade
school. They believed it was important that the kids in town
were ready for the world they would live in. This school taught
just one subject - license plate making.

[Bill McCray]

Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you
send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

[Bill McCray]

I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his
bills. It's labeled "Due unto others."

[Bill McCray]

I saw a sign the other day that said "Life is one contradiction
after another." Someone had written in under it, "No, it's not."

[Bill McCray]

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two
fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad-cow
disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so
fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the
road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us
chickens!"

[Bill McCray]

In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax
forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.

[Bill McCray]

Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors' names are
extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.

[Bill McCray]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that
special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th
birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the
middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "'tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk
'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because yer father, yer grandfather, and yer great-grandfather
were all born in December when the lake is frozen. You were born
in August, ya blitherin' idiot!"

[Bill McCray]

EVE'S VERSION

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights--everything is
wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is these three
breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching
them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve. She went on to tell God that many other
parts of her body such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in
pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her
body more "symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured
that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right away." God reached down, removed the
middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and
the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. "I
feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you...."Now let's see,
where did I put that useless boob?".

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the
rib?

[Bill McCray]

60 YEARS OF MARITAL BLISS?

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay
married so long in this day and age. The husband responded,
"When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would
make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor
decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of
marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

[Bill McCray]

A NEW ELEMENT FOUND!

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new
element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it
would normally take less than a nanosecond.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause some morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as Critical Morass.

[Bill McCray]

The CIA Director said Wednesday North Korea can reach the West
Coast with nuclear-tipped missiles. In case of an attack, people
in Los Angeles are instructed to take shelter at Universal
Studios. They haven't had a hit in decades.

[Bill McCray]

William Rosenberg, the food franchising pioneer who founded the
Dunkin' Donuts chain has died. He was 86. They say his eyes
just glazed over.

[Bill McCray]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on to the left of
the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

[Bill McCray]

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: P ... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

[Bill McCray]

George's salary as president was so paltry that his wife took in
laundry on the side for extra revenue. The sign on the door
said, "MARTHA. WASHING DONE."

[Bill McCray]

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a
passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At
those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out
of the mud night and day."

"Can't do it", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water
for the hole."

[Bill McCray]

[We had thunderstorms last night, so HFTN is running late.]

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says "can't find printer".
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it.

[Bill McCray]

After the eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual
physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine
shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled
out: "Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a long hush ... you could hear a pin drop!

Henry answered impatiently, "If I have told you once, Irma,
I told have you a hundred times. What we have is Blue
Cross!"

[Bill McCray]

I was going to give my girl one of those heart balloons for
Valentine's Day. But she said she didn't want an angioplasty.

[Bill McCray]

Two guys were talking about a dog with no nose.

"How does he smell?" asked one.

The other replied, "Awful."

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind soul
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THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

For links, photos and comments, please read this column at
"http://www.Nshima.com" where it was first posted.

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

SOMEONE NEEDS TO INVESTIGATE THE NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
"http://nshima.com/2015/05/29/spelling-bee/"

The National Spelling Bee was once again won by not one but two
Indian-American contestants. Yes, for the second year in a row,
the world's most popular spelling competition ended in a tie.
The organizers exhausted all the words in the English language,
even words borrowed from languages spoken in Latvia, Burundi,
Mongolia, Papua New Guinea, and Harlem, New York.

Dr. Jacques Bailly, the official pronouncer, tried
unsuccessfully to stump the two remaining contestants, Vanya
Shivashankar and Gokul Venkatachalam, with made-up words such as
"scherenschnitte", pyrrhuloxia", and "barackobamaphobia".

It's the eighth year in a row (and 13th time in 17 years) that
Indian-American contestants have won the National Spelling Bee,
but who's keeping track? It's really not a big deal, as shown by
the news ticker on an Indian broadcast network: "Breaking News:
Indian-American Spellers Match Boston Celtics' Record of Eight
Straight Titles."

In case you were busy and didn't get a chance to gauge the
reaction to the National Spelling Bee on the Internet, let me
give you a taste of what the comments were like on a popular news
site.

PatsFan: "A tie? Why did it end in a tie? Shouldn't they have
penalty kicks or something?"

JustSurfing: "Yeah, I hate how they ended it. I was hoping for
overtime."

FunGirl: "They ran out of words. What could they do?"

JustSurfing: "Why not have an overtime period in which they try
to spell the names of all the Indian contestants? That would be
more challenging."

Cletus Spuckler: "Every year, I hope an American will win OUR
spelling bee, and every year, a freaking Indian wins OUR spelling
bee. It's time to send Americans to India to win their spelling
bee."

FreeThinker: "What a stupid statement, Cletus! It wasn't 'a
freaking Indian' who won the spelling bee. It was 'two freaking
Indians.' There were two of them."

Cletus Spuckler: "Two of them? Man, I need to stop drinking. I
thought I was seeing double."

BoilOnYourButt: "It's not enough that one Indian wins. Now it's
two of them. I'm telling you, next year, it'll be three of them,
then four of them. They're not happy with just one spelling
champion every year. I'm sure they all got together and planned
this. Someone needs to investigate."

Cletus Spuckler: "Yeah, the spelling bee is fixed. It doesn't
make sense that Americans aren't winning. Indians are so
corrupt. They're probably paying off the judges. Did you see
that there was an Indian judge this year? Someone needs to check
his bank account."

CricketFan: "You guys are full of ----. Stop calling them
Indians. They're not Indians. They're Americans! They were
born in America."

FreeThinker: "I don't believe it. Look at their names. Those
aren't American names."

Cletus Spuckler: "I want to see their birth certificates.
They're probably like Obama -- born in another country but
pretending to be American."

BollyGirl: "It wouldn't matter. The spelling bee isn't just for
Americans. In 1998, a Jamaican won it."

Cletus Spuckler: "That's it, then. I'm not watching it anymore
-- until they let Americans win it again. I'm going to start a
petition: Stop letting foreigners into our country who can
spell."

CricketFan: "I don't know why I read comments on the Internet.
It's like a convention of morons."

FreeThinker: "I'm not a moron. I have an advanced degree."

CricketFan: "Oh sure. Advanced degree of brain deterioration."

RockStar01: "The spelling bee would be more interesting if
different kids won it. Not Indians all the time."

CricketFan: "Stop being racist! It's not the same kids winning
it every year. These are different kids with different
personalities."

RockStar01: "But they look alike. They all look like that
annoying kid in my elementary school who sat in the front row and
always raised his hand when the teacher asked a question. Their
parents look alike too. They have the same clothes, hairstyle,
and smug expression that says, 'We started spelling to our kids
when they were in the womb.'"

FunGirl: "Gokul and Vanya are so cute. I wonder if they will
get married to each other one day and produce more spelling bee
champions."

BollyGirl: "The name Vanya Venkatachalam has a nice ring to it!"

CricketFan: "What I love about these spelling bee kids is that
they're so dedicated. Instead of playing sports and video games
like so many kids, they spend all their time studying words.
They eat, drink, and breathe words."

Cletus Spuckler: "I knew it. They're not human. They're
breathing words, not oxygen. They're robots sent from India to
take over America. Someone needs to investigate."

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

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BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters, blogs,
discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the website link
and copyright information are included. This does not apply to
print publications or commercial websites.

Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
his life. Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands
of people in more than 90 countries.

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[Bill McCray]

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

[Bill McCray]

Is Stalin's tomb a communist plot?

[Bill McCray]

If Whoopi Goldburg married Peter Cushion, she would be Whoopi
Cushion.

[Bill McCray]

What did George Washington have in common with a hen?
They were both trying to hatchet.

How do sailors greet each other?
"Long time, no sea!"

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
"You have a lot of appeal."

What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A hoarse doctor.

What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?
He retired it.

[Bill McCray]

Why don't bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children have to play inside.

What kind of food do turtles hate?
Fast food.

Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack.

What did the jack say to the car?
"Can I give you a lift?"

[Bill McCray]

[Oops. I forgot last night.]


What did one bucket say to the other bucket?
You look rather pail today!

How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and they are washed ashore.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store.

What is unique about a canine scale?
It can weigh only in dog pounds.

What do you call your mother's other sister?
Deodorant.

[Bill McCray]

What would happen to a girl who stays in bed all day and eats
nothing but yeast and car wax?
Eventually she will rise and shine.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a long
trip?
"Bison!"

What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something.

Why did the tomato turn red?
She saw the salad dressing.

Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
Because they can see right through you.

[Bill McCray]

Why did the angry lady put a firecracker under her pancakes?
She wanted to blow her stack.

What did the boy firefly say to the girl firefly?
"I glow for you."

What did one earthquake say to the other?
It's not my fault.

Why did the little computer go to the orthodontist?
To improve its byte.

How do alligators make phone calls?
They croco-dial.

[Bill McCray]

How do fireflies start a race?
Ready ... Set ... Glow!

Is your refrigerator running? It is? Well, you'd better go
catch it!

What gets harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath.

If you put three ducks in a carton, what do you get?
A box of quackers.

How do cowboys mix the sugar in their coffee?
With a stirrup, of course!

[Bill McCray]

What do you call a grizzly half buried in a snow bank?
A bear mid-drift

Why does a dog get so hot in the summer?
Because he wears a coat and pants.

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.

How can you keep a barking dog quiet?
With hush puppies.

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?
To improve his bite.

[Bill McCray]

What is a spider's favorite TV show?
The newly web game!

What becomes of most love triangles?
They turn into wreck-tangles.

What is the difference between the sun and bread?
The sun rises from the east and the bread rises from the yeast.

Why didn't horses like Theodore Roosevelt?
Because he was a Rough Rider.

What do you call a bee born in May?
A maybe.

[Bill McCray]

What did the boy gopher say to the girl gopher?
"I could gopher you."

What trousers have no pockets?
A dog's pants.

How do sailors break up with their girl friends?
They drift apart.

Which side of a bird has the most feathers?
The outside!

What do bees say in summer?
Swarm.

[Bill McCray]

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer.
The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

Did you hear about the dog that graduated from obedience school?
He received a barkalaureate degree.

What movie and song hit was about the use of Marijuana to control
the itching of scabies?
The High and Mite-y.

Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
The majority of them can't pass the bar!

[Bill McCray]

How does a male cow proceed down a steep slope?
He tum-bulls.

What are you, if you are sans attire and feeling really
depressed?
Nude Indigo.

During his lean years before his Broadway success, Rex Harrison
was forced to drive a taxi for a living. What did he say to all
his women passengers?
He said, "My fare, lady?"

Among the treasures found in Tutankhamen's tomb were
well-preserved jars of barbecue sauce obviously made with pieces
of citrus fruit. This discovery was immortalized in what classic
poem?
The Rind in the Ancient Marinade.

Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal
investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire
storeroom full of MacIntoshes. When questioned about this cache
she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer.
Now she's being charged with what?
In-cider trading.

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

[Bill McCray]

"Satchel touched my blankee. You'll have to wash it."

"It'll have to wait. You can't put it in with my dress shirts."

"Why?"

"Because you have to separate the whites and colors."

"Separate the whites and colors? What are you? Some kind of
laundry racist."

[Bill McCray]

Husband (to his wife): How can you be so stupid and so beautiful all at
the same time.

Wife: Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Bill McCray]

*************************************************************

[Bill McCray]

[I was busy last night and forgot.]

Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie:
"There is a big political debate at Town Hall tonight. Expect
hot winds all evening."

[Bill McCray]

"Shouldn't linguistics be the study of eating linguini?"

[Bill McCray]

"What's bigamy?"

"Having one wife too many."

"Then what's monogamy?"

"Same thing."

[Bill McCray]

Don't give in church. Be good for nothing.

[Bill McCray]

Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie.

Ernie: "A key witness at a murder trial couldn't recall much.
It was a hazy day at the courthouse."

[Bill McCray]

Minister to congregant: "I don't need to look it up. I'm
positive that being born again doesn't get you a new horoscope."

[Bill McCray]

Subbing today for our regular co-anchor is our weatherman, Ernie.

Ernie: "Proud parents of a Little Leaguer watched their boy toss a
no-hitter. The son shone brightly today."

[Bill McCray]

Is that a pair of shorts floating by? Oh, oh, just as I feared.
We're in the Bermuda Triangle.

[Bill McCray]

Guide at student field trip to museum: "This painting is by the
impressionist, Vincent Van Gogh!"

Bus driver: "Speaking of Van Gogh, if you're not on the bus in
15 minutes, I'm leaving without you."

[Bill McCray]

How is an adolescent living among wolves like chewing gum?
He is a den teen.

[Bill McCray]

The Ebonics professor was asked why he didn't care for the author
of "Charlotte's Web." He replied, "E.B. White."

[Bill McCray]

Sign in real estate office window: "Get lots while you are young!"

[Bill McCray]

Lamb stew is much ado about mutton.

[Bill McCray]

[We had thunderstorms yesterday, so this is
yesterday's HFTN.]

He liked horror movies as a child but then he gruesome.

[Bill McCray]

On her visit to England, my neighbor told me, there was a
terrible plague of toads. They were hopping everywhere, jumping
out of storm sewers, thronging the streets--it was amazing.
Truly a froggy day in London town.

[Bill McCray]

A female espionage agent spent a mint having a secret camera
built into her bra because she wanted to have a photographic
mammary!

[Bill McCray]

I need some new shock absorbers for my meat truck. The ride is
getting to be a bit jerky.

[Bill McCray]

The sign on the crosswalk outside of the bakery said, "Donut
walk."

[Bill McCray]

You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic. But where is the
proof?

[Bill McCray]

The library had a book called "Wiring Your house for
Electricity", but it was a shocking failure.

[Bill McCray]

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.

[Bill McCray]

Thin people of the world unite. We've got nothing to lose.

[Bill McCray]

When his wife asked for wooden walls in the basement, they had a
panel discussion.

[Bill McCray]

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

[Bill McCray]

To most modern writers, sex is a novel idea.

[Bill McCray]

Did you hear about the diminutive criminal from Ireland who
contracted Hansen's disease? He was a leper con.

[Bill McCray]

I asked the basketball player from Indiana: "Whooser coach?"