Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

During a tennis match one player gave the other a backhanded
compliment.

[Bill McCray]

He only knew how to drive a fork lift in reverse. He was the
backup man.

[Bill McCray]

An enterprising woman tried to start a competitive entity to the
WWW, but she got in trouble with the government as soon as they
spied her Web.

[Bill McCray]

The frustrated golfer used course language.

[Bill McCray]

So you can drive a car, but what do you have to chauffeur it?

[Bill McCray]

He became a successful clothing salesman because he was "well
suited" for the job.

[Bill McCray]

A child with no pennies could get into senseless trouble.

[Bill McCray]

A sailor has ties to home, but is knot there often.

[Bill McCray]

Pennies from heaven are a blessing in de skies.

[Bill McCray]

Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in
the world.

[Bill McCray]

Artichokes up whenever the TV camera is on him.

[Bill McCray]

I believe in circumcision. After all, it's no skin off my nose.

[Bill McCray]

The pastries that we had prepared to celebrate our baseball
victory would not be eaten, because of the lack of a good
batter.

[Bill McCray]

Well-cooked meat was rare for the cave man.

[Bill McCray]

It's very uncommon for two archers to have the same score.
Everyone knows that bow ties went out of style years ago.

[Bill McCray]

If you have need of a locksmith, he will be your key man

[Bill McCray]

Most baby boomers lack the personal discipline to stick to a
diet. One guy went on the Thirty Day Diet this month and so far
he has lost over fifteen days.

[Bill McCray]

I hate Russian dolls - they're so full of themselves.

[Bill McCray]

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.

[Bill McCray]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

[Bill McCray]

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.

[Bill McCray]

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want
to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

[Bill McCray]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

[Bill McCray]

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

[Bill McCray]

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

[Bill McCray]

I haven't slept for three days -- because that would be too long.

[Bill McCray]

The first time I got a universal remote control,
I thought to myself "This changes everything."

[Bill McCray]

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime
ban from the local zoo.

[Bill McCray]

I've spent the past four years looking for my
ex-girlfriend's killer, but so far no one will
do it.

[Bill McCray]

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and
I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

[Bill McCray]

I refused to believe my road-worker father was stealing from
his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Bill McCray]

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was
doing was gathering dust.

[Bill McCray]

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon
doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

[Bill McCray]

Whiteboards are remarkable.

[Bill McCray]

I was at an ATM and an old lady asked me to help check her
balance, so I pushed her over.

[Bill McCray]

Card playing can be expensive - but so can any game where you
begin by holding hands.

[Bill McCray]

LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY
AGE I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T
RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL
US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF
THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR ONLY WHEN YOU'RE IN THE
BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO
PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES - THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER -
I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE
AFTER".

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?

[Bill McCray]

Have you heard about the man who spilled clam chowder on his
trousers? He complained, "Waiter, there's soup in my fly!"

[Bill McCray]

An Indian tribe called the Hassies used to live near what's now
the Florida capital, but they intermarried so much that you can't
distinguish them anymore. You just can no longer tell a Hassie.

[Bill McCray]

The Mooers got their name from worshiping sacred cows.

[Bill McCray]

Old chicken farmers never die, they just have a dozen aches.

[Bill McCray]

Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.

[Bill McCray]

Do you decide what kind of light bulbs to buy by a process of
illumination?

[Bill McCray]

Some men's notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able
to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.

[Bill McCray]

When Robert E. Lee was a plebe at West Point his classmates did
not vote him Most Likely to Secede.

[Bill McCray]

Some women take a man to the cleaners as soon as they spot him.

[Bill McCray]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't
panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told
her. "If you ever get lost in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow
plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow
plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow
for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got
out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her
dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow
a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the
WalMart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy
now?"

[Bill McCray]

[Bill McCray]

An Indian restaurant was known for serving all its hot dishes
decorated with the sort of little umbrellas usually associated
with fancy cocktails, except that these umbrellas had braided
threads hanging down all around them. Everyone loved to eat the
specialty of the house--the curry with the fringe on top.

[Bill McCray]

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on
rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to
the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris
seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. After an
extensive search, an old priest at the cathedral said he could
have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He
successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about
Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got
such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself,
near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.

[Bill McCray]

I am sorry to say that last week my cat died. I took him to a
taxidermist and had him stuffed. I was a little upset when I
went back to get him, I found that the cat was mounted with its
butt facing forward and tail high in the air. The taxidermist
approached me and said. "As distraught as you were when you
brought in your beloved pet, I thought I would make it more
appropriate. I made for you a cat-ass-trophy."

[Bill McCray]

He unfortunately sat on a wood fence while serenading his
beloved, not noticing the rotting condition of the fence. But
even as he became aware of the peril, he remained in place and
continued his serenade. Love is a many-splintered thing.

[Bill McCray]

Even though they live lives of lonely danger in front of the
crowd, matadors are seldom killed in their work. They usually
retire to live to ripe old ages. When a matador dies young, it
is usually a mysterious event. Therefore, when they find a dead
matador, the police are well advised to remember this old maxim:
Always question a bull.

[Bill McCray]

Paddy, had just moved to Liverpool from Cork. He walked into a pub
and ordered three pints of Guinness. He sat in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he
came back to the bar to order three more.

The bartender approached him and said, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Paddy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
accountant the other is a solicitor, both living in London. When we
all left our home in Cork, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together, so I'm drinking one beer
for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom and left it there.

Paddy became a regular in the pub and always drank the same way,
ordering three pints and drinking from them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only two. All the regulars took
notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss".

Paddy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eyes and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Bill McCray]

Judi was standing in front of a soft-drink machine saying, "You
are a dumb-looking button . You don't have much of a future,
either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then
you are going to be replaced by a much better-looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing.

Judi pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which
said, "'Depress button for ice'."

[Bill McCray]

A smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped
all of their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island
populated by sea gulls, terns, and other sea birds. In a couple
of days all over the island, there wasn't a tern unstoned.

[Bill McCray]

A guy bought a pair of parrots and decided to go into the
parrot-breeding business. He didn't think much of the fact that
both birds were named Polly, but unfortunately both birds were
actually female. Thus his plans for parrot breeding hit a snag
until he got the idea of cloning them. After many months of work
he was eventually able to produce a half-dozen fertilized eggs.
When they hatched, three of them were normal healthy females, but
the other three were male, and the little guys had very malformed
wings and legs. Little wonder that they say, "Polly chicks make
strange-bred fellows."

[Bill McCray]

A coin collector was proud of his huge collection of historic
American coins. One of his favorites was an one-cent piece with
a woman in a feather bonnet on it. He showed the coin to his
friends and was arrested for an Indian-cent exposure.

[Bill McCray]

Carmen and her boyfriend got engaged, and one Sunday afternoon
they finally got married. As the church bells pealed out the
happy day, Carmen's heart beat fast in her chest, and she told
her bridesmaids to listen, because, "The bells are ringing for me
and Miguel."

[Bill McCray]

A psychic was jailed for false prophecies, but because he was
only 4' 7" tall and extremely slender, he was able to slip under
the bars and make his escape. Newspaper headline the next day
stated "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

The psychic was really happy he had escaped and soon was back in
business in a new location. His first customer, however, was a
plain-clothed cop who had been searching for him. Before the
psychic could escape, the detective hit the psychic with his fist
to subdue him. After the arrest, the policeman was commended for
striking a happy medium.

[Bill McCray]

I left my car at the shop overnight when I bought a new set of
radials. When we picked it up the next day, I saw the word
"sleeper" scrawled across the paperwork. I said to my wife,
"Look, my car slept here last night."

"Of course it did," she replied. "It was tired."

[Bill McCray]

I put two eggs into an incubator for hatching. Somehow there was
some confusion and a swan's egg got labeled as a toucan egg and
vice-versa. Even after the new chicks had hatched out nobody
seemed to notice the difference and both chicks were integrated
into the wrong bird populations. This proves the old adage,
"Toucan live as cheeply as swan."

[Bill McCray]

A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally
wild, not parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life,
getting up early to feed all his charges, never taking a
vacation, working hard, and yet he enjoyed his life. When the
local newspaper interviewed him for a feature story, they asked
him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for himself. His
reply?

"I have no egrets."

[Bill McCray]

Several nuns were in their second-floor convent one night when a
fire broke out. The nuns took their habits off and tied them
together to make a rope to get out of the building via the
window. After they were safely out of the building and on the
ground, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to
her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could rip or break since
they are old?

The nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to
break."

[Bill McCray]

Over the past few weeks I've been in the process of demolishing
my grandmother's crumbling old house. Being the frugal fellow
that I am, I'm attempting to salvage as much of the lumber as
possible, so each roof rafter we remove is cleaned of nails and
dropped to the ground with a certain amount of care. I told my
helpers that I wanted them to pry out as many nails as possible
before dropping the board off the roof. Remember: "Pried goeth
before the fall."

[Bill McCray]

Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumblebee who
became ill while gathering pollen but continued to work.
Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus.
The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as
the blight of the fumble bee.

[Bill McCray]

DEFINITIONS:

Good Clean Fun: A couple taking a bath together.

Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

Flatulent: The apartment you allow friends to stay in during
their vacation.

Rampage: The page in the encyclopedia about male sheep.

Despair: An extra tire usually kept in the trunk of your car.

Slip Cover: A maternity dress.

Bank: A large impressive institution where you keep the
government's money until April 15th.

Evolution: God's way of issuing upgrades.

Polyphony: A fake parrot.

Hangnail: A coat hook.

Fundamentalist: To support a medium.

Poodles: Before they are house trained, puppies make poodles all
over the floor.

Insects: How people with unconventional beliefs congregate.

Ideals: "Its my turn to pass out the cards."

Microwave: What an amoeba surfs on.

Barium: No matter how many bones I give Fido, he will go barium.

Gigolo: A fee male.

[Bill McCray]

On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil.

[Bill McCray]

An impractical cure for the mumps;
Mix your Exlax with six sugar lumps,
Scarf down a whole goose
Which will turn your bowels loose
Very soon you'll feel down in the dumps

[Bill McCray]

In years of investing I've learned
When your stock catches fire, you've earned
There's money to make
But with too much at steak
You could loose your ash and get burned.

[Bill McCray]

Today is PI Day, 3/14/16. Today's Humor from the Net is in honor
of this very useful mathematical constant. For those who don't
know, Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its
diameter and is approximately 3.1416.

Why did Pi go to a psychoanalyst?
He was being irrational.

3.1416% of sailors are pi-rates.

Never talk to Pi. He'll go on forever.

Come to the nerd side. We have pi.

Simple as 3.14592

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
He ate too much pi.

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with pi is that it
never ends.

What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its
circumference by its diameter?
Moon Pi.

What was Sir Isaac Newton's favorite dessert?
Apple pi.

What is the official animal of Pi Day?
The pi-thon.

A pizza has a radius z and thickness a. Its volume is pizza (or
pi*z*z*a).

What is a math teacher's favorite dessert?
Pi!

The mathematician said, "Pi r squared."
The baker replied, "No, pie are round. Cake are square."

Just saw American Pi. I gave it a rating of 3.1416.

In Alaska, where temperatures get below freezing, pi is only
3.00. After all, everything shrinks in the cold.

What do you get when you take the sun and divide its
circumference by its diameter?
Pi in the sky.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie?
3.1416.

What do you get when you cut a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What is .1416?
A piece of pie.

What is the ideal number of pieces to cut a pie into?
3.1416.

How many calories are in a slice of chocolate pi?
Approximately 3.1416.

[Bill McCray]

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I wonder why I always feel that I'm stuck right behind the eight
ball?" Tom said racking his brain.

"I will now aim my bow and arrow at the apple on his head," Tom
said with a quiver.

"My new electric skillet has stopped working," Tom said,
dead-pan.

"I wish I had asked for a seat in advance," Tom said reservedly.

"His Honor is crazy," Tom admitted judgmentally.

"We have to leave the ship even though it did not hit the
iceberg," Tom said with reckless abandon.

"A man's home is his castle," Homer said in a manor of speaking.

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES

Department store ad: MATERNITY DRESSES FOR THE MODERN MISS

In the 1965 Miss America Beauty Pageant the emcee was backstage
talking to the five semifinalists while the judges were choosing
Miss America, when he came up with this Blooper: "Have you ever
seen five more expectant young ladies?"

MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOUR WITH MACHETE

Proper prudence is also aware of the fact that you must never
break your bread or roll in the soup.

HALF OF ALL CHILDREN TESTED SCORED BELOW AVERAGE

Heard on the Arthur Godfrey morning radio show on CBS: "This is
truly a fine product for the relief of aches and pains, so for
all of you who find it stiff in the morning, try Bufferin."

TESTER LINKS PYGMY DEFECT TO SHORTNESS

SPORTSCASTER: "Here is a sports bulletin just received from the
newsroom. It is now official! Juan Pizzaro has just pissed a no
hit-no run ball game!"

PRESIDENT CLINTON'S PROBLEMS ARE MOUNTING

MURDER BY COMPANIONS AFFECTS INMATE'S CHANCE FOR PAROLE

STATION BREAK: "Stay tuned for 'Peyton Place,' where today you
will meet Dr. Michael Rossi, who is responsible for most of the
children born in this small country town."

[Bill McCray]

Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear
all these beautiful clothes, would you still think me
attractive?"

He smiled and replied, "Test me."

[Bill McCray]

EERIE RIDE

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark
night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no
cars passed. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few
feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come toward him and
stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the
door and realized that nobody was behind the wheel. The car
started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve
coming his way. Scared, he started praying and begged for his
life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the
curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car, and ran to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina, asked for
two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was
crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina,
and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the guy who climbed
into the car while we were pushing."

[Bill McCray]

MINORS

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for
trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists
slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was,
they'd leave.

Eventually a sports car pulled up, and two teens got out.

"This I've got to see," I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and
shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled
out and drove off laughing.

[Bill McCray]

HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED


In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a
success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage.
And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby
arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe,
and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids
wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family
business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home
from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer
and set the VCR.

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and
children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a
note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym,
Pizza in fridge."

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this free weekly humor column because a kind
soul forwarded it to you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

"DOING IT ALL WITH YOUR CELL PHONE"
"http://www.melvindurai.com/cell.htm"

Don't look now, but the cell phone is evolving. No longer is it
just a way for you to chat with a friend while moving around and
annoying a few people. Now it offers several impressive features
that allow you, through the power of wireless technology, to
annoy everyone.

With a high-end cell phone in your hand, you can watch music
videos, listen to football games, play video games, take digital
photos, and vote in Florida's elections. There's even a button
to record reminders: "Don't forget to turn the volume down when
playing Tomb Raider in church."

As if that isn't enough, one mobile phone operator has begun
selling handsets that allow people to sing karaoke. And you
thought the train ride to work was long before. Wait till you
hear Joe Transvestite's rendition of "I Feel Like a Woman."
You'll soon be singing, "I feel like an aspirin."

The karaoke phones are being offered in Thailand, but it won't be
long before they spread, like an infectious disease, to other
countries. That's why it's important for you to write to
lawmakers urging them to ban karaoke phones. Remind them that
ordinary phones are already being used, millions of times a day,
to transmit bad voices. Karaoke phones will only make things
worse, especially if they get into the wrong hands, namely
construction workers. They'll be serenading everyone: "Hey
baby, hey baby, hey."

Karaoke, as we all know, is an acquired taste and you acquire it
by going to a bar and getting sloshed. Once you're drunk, you
can appreciate just about any voice, even your own. You can also
appreciate the musical accompaniments, including those resonant
bursts that make you stumble into the restroom and shout, "Great
trombone, dude!"

Karaoke does not belong on a train or bus, where people have paid
good money and deserve to hear more pleasant sounds, such as the
roar of the engine.

Without karaoke, your phone will have ample room for these
amazing features:

---Dial-a-Date: With a touch of a button, the phone will connect
you to potential mates, allowing you to not only see and hear
them, but also smell them. Yes, the phone will emit a scent that
replicates whatever's on the other end. It's a great way to
empty a movie theater.

---Emergency Aid: If you're taking a walk and a rabid dog
attacks you, don't panic. Just press the "emergency" button on
your cell phone. A picture of Michael Jackson will appear,
frightening the dog. For added safety, hold the button down and
Michael will scream, "Beat it! Just beat it!"

---Quick Scan: If you don't want to be seen with Sports
Illustrated's swimsuit issue, just scan it into your phone and
"read" it at your leisure. Then press the "send" button to share
it with friends, especially the ones who enjoy spectator sports.

While most consumers are eager to buy the latest gadgets, I'm
satisfied with my primitive cell phone. As a married man, I'm
better off without certain features.

Me: "Hi honey. I'm at the grocery store. I'm not sure which
ice cream to buy."

Wife: "Don't worry, sweetie. I'll help you. Just send me
photos of all the choices. And don't forget a close-up of the
nutrition facts."

Me: "Hang on, honey. I have to stand in line behind thirty
other clueless men."

Wife: "Really? Well, why don't you entertain them with some
karaoke?"

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist, and occasional
stand-up comedian. Born in India and raised in Zambia, he has
lived in the U.S. since 1982. Through the Internet, his column
is read by thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters or shared
with friends, discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the
subscription and copyright information is included.

----------------------------------

TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to:
join-FuN...@relay.netatlantic.com
or go to "http://MelvinDurai.com/sub.htm".

[Bill McCray]

REASONS FOR BREAKING UP -- BY PROFESSION

ANATOMISTS: "I never liked your body anyway."
ARCHAEOLOGISTS: One tries to bury the past and accuses the other
of trying to dig it up.
BIOLOGISTS: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
BUSINESS COUPLE: Both decide that they're spending way too much
money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
ECONOMISTS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
GEOGRAPHERS: Both people decide to simply move far away to
avoid each other.
HISTORIANS: Each party argues the breakup was caused by
something the other party did in the past.
JOURNALISTS: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill,
18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks."
PHYSICISTS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up
must come down.
PSYCHOLOGISTS: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a
substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGISTS: Each claims to have been oppressed in the
relationship.
ACTORS: "OH! Life is -- ENDED -- as we KNOW it!"
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

[Bill McCray]

[Apparently directed toward women]

I WISH I WERE A BEAR!

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep
for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them, too.

You get to have all the sex you want before you hibernate; sleep
during the birth of the cubs, and not have any stretch marks.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects
you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. And he finds that
sexy.

I wish I were a bear.

[Bill McCray]

LATEST PHARMACEUTICALS

DAMITOL - Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for
up to eight hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN - Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMEROL - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

FLIPITOR - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL - When combined with Buyagra, can cause
an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even
come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENTA - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

SEXCEDRIN - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
tonight, dear, I have a headache!" syndrome.

NAGAMET - When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as you must expend nagging him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble.

[Bill McCray]

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in
Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman
sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for
leprosy. "I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish.
I don't believe in leper cons."

[Bill McCray]

Beatrice and Marjorie, sisters, shared their every possession.
Marjorie had an elegant fur coat that Beatrice coveted. One very
cold day in March, their mother suggested that Beatrice could
keep warm by donning Marjorie's stole. It was noted that, Bea
wears the hides of Marj.

[Bill McCray]

Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out
of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming
car. The car driver jammed on his brakes just in time and
swerved into the field they had just left. "Thank the Lord,"
said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that
field in time."

[Bill McCray]

Two parents were discussing the relative merits of playground
equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a
preponderance of Larch trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be
pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old slides."
Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!"

[Bill McCray]

Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into
apiculture. He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for
many of his friends. Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar went to visit
him in his apiary one spring day but was unable to locate the bee
colonies. He did, however, encounter one of the busy little
insects gathering pollen on a nearby flower so Caesar stopped and
asked, "Bee, where're the hives of March?"

[Bill McCray]

An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave
her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real,
she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor
of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

[Bill McCray]

I remember the carnival used to come to town in the middle of
March when I was a child. The sideshow had two-headed babies in
formaldehyde in jars and an 800-year-old body ("...he is over
eight - pause - HUNdred years old and the flesh is still on the
body..."). They also had the ubiquitous carnival midway,
punishly labeled "The Rides of March".

[Bill McCray]

An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought
a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost
totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal
often continued plowing. Asked how the mule was working out,
O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all
the neighbors could hear was me singing my liltimg melodies."
"Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but my riled Irish
'whoa's!"

[Bill McCray]

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why she crossed it, I've not been told.

[Bill McCray]

What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired
dog?
The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.

Why did the gardener throw roses into the burning building?
He heard that flowers grew better in hothouses.

If you dropped a letter in the mud, what would you call it?
Blackmail.

I've decided to write a work of fiction.
That's a Novel idea.

Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

Which nut sounds like a sneeze?
A cashew!

[Bill McCray]

What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hissstory!

What music do rabbits listen to?
Hip Hop!

What do you call a wagon wheel maker?
A spokesperson.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns won't work.

What do you call a baby kangaroo that can't jump yet?
An offspring.

[Bill McCray]

How many sides does a circle have?
Two. The inside and the outside.

What did the bee say to the rose?
"Hi Bud!"

What did the rose answer?
"Buzz off!"

What do you call a giraffe's family reunion?
Necks of kin.

What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.

[Bill McCray]

Pet Owner : Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the
corner.
Vet: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross
the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.

What kind of paper makes the best paper airplanes?
Fly paper.

What's the difference between a barn and a fast dog?
One is a hay ground and the other a greyhound.

The first cannibal asked the second cannibal, "Aren't you done
eating yet?"
The second cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

[Bill McCray]

What do you call an insect's car?
A buggy.

What type of insects were discovered on the moon?
Lunar Ticks.

Why is a garden like a story?
They both have plots.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get out of bed?
Lazy bones!

Did you hear about the dog that went to a flea circus?
He ate the whole show.

[Bill McCray]

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

Why did the spy pull the sheets over his head?
He was an undercover agent.

Why is an engaged girl like a telephone?
Because they both have rings.

Why did the acorns cross the road?
Because they were nuts.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

[Bill McCray]

That's an amazing flea you have trained," said a tourist to he
owner of a flea circus. "Did you educate it yourself?"

"Yes," replied the owner, "I raised him from a pup."

[Bill McCray]

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

What do you call a movie made by a con-artist that is very
interesting?
A con-flick of interest!

What is a doughnut ?
A person who is crazy about money.

Why is a toupee like a secret?
Because you keep it under your hat.

What apartment number does a person who can predict the future
live in?
APARTMENT 4-C.

[Bill McCray]

Noah built the ark three stories high. The top story had a
skylight. How did they illuminate the bottom two stories?
With flood lights (or Ark lights).

What unit of measure do frogs use to describe the pain when they
get stabbed by a triune spear?
Gigahertz.

A engaged Japanese woman wanted a traditional wedding but was so
taken with American culture that she insisted on incorporating a
long train into her wedding gown. Thus when she walked down the
aisle, the sight made some wedding guests think of a strange and
dangerous reptile. What did they see?
A Kimono Dragon.

An ad agency and their brewing company client are planning on
reviving a once very popular advertising campaign. The plan is
to use the same, but now aged, critters to appeal to the middle-
aged beer drinker in a series of promotions for the responsi-
bility to think before you drink. What will we now call the
once famous critters?
Older, but-weiser frogs.

[Bill McCray]

"Why do they dub him Lord of the Rings?"
"He's been married 11 times."

Nobody forgets where the hatchet is buried.

An egghead is someone educated beyond his intelligence.

He's feeling ashamed. A couple of the other engineers caught him
reading a manual.

Mother breast feeding an infant says, "Ouch!" and hurriedly hands
the baby to her husband.
He says to the baby, "An important lesson in life. Never bite
the gland that feeds you."