Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

A woman who, on a perennial diet, starved her husband right along with herself, until he complained to his pastor that he couldn't get his wife to serve him a decent meal and he was growing positively malnourished. "I can't get her to listen to reason. Maybe you can get somewhere with her," the hubby complained.

So the pastor counseled the ever dieting woman, who at last saw the error of her ways. "What shall I do to make amends?" she asked her spiritual counselor.

He told her, "Repent and thin no more."

[Bill McCray]

When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow mushrooms in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered, but Jake wanted all the profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous varieties in his partner's section. When. Abe found out, he had Jake arrested. Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack of evidence, the court did find Jake guilty of corrupting the morels of a miner.

[Bill McCray]

My neighbor, Gilman, told us about the Hollywood producer who was looking for a new angle for a movie. He complained they had put out "... too many war movies ... too many comedies ... too many mysteries ... too many teen flicks ..." One of his writers suggested they do one about a talking dog. The writer said he even knew of a dog that spoke 23 languages, could dance like Fred Astaire, and could sing like Tony Bennett."

"What kind of a dog is it?" the producer asked.

"A boxer," was the reply.

"Can't do it -- there are too many fight movies."

[Bill McCray]

As a Marine Captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, sir," or "Second Marine Division, General." But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, "Which outfit are you in?" The Marine replied, "Dress blues, sir, with medals!"

[Bill McCray]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[Bill McCray]

The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a delight to his mother. The mother said to her infant, "As you have been so good, would you like a brother?"

The small bird replied, "Oh Yes! ... One good tern deserves another."

[Bill McCray]

A skydiving instructor was going through the question-and-answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question. "If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "the rest of your life."

[Bill McCray]

DEFINITIONS:

Prostate: Strong advocate of the 10th Amendment in the Bill of Rights.

Confirm: A criminal enterprise.

Microwave: What an amoeba surfs on.

Postage: Length of time a vertical wooden beam has been used.

Propane: In favor of torture.

Vivacity: Las Vegas.

Picnic: To select someone to play Santa Claus.

Primate: The wife in a harem whose sons are in line to inherit the title.

Hairdresser's: A place where some women go to dye.

Useless: Conservation.

Protein: A hooker between 13 and 19 years old.

Collapse: When two racers race around the track at the same time.

[Bill McCray]

Do you think that your life would be good,
If you lived just like Robin Hood?
I asked a young guy,
Who said, in reply,
"I don't know about you. I Sherwood."

[Bill McCray]

Doctor Killjoy fell into the well
And he broke his collar bone
Doctors are supposed to treat the sick
And leave the well alone.

[Bill McCray]

There once was an opium seed
That grew fast; it grew just like a weed.
While it rose from the ground,
Didn't stop, look around;
Never saw all the things its poppy seed.

[Bill McCray]

Mickey Mouse had no spouse. He hadn't any.
But he did have a girlfriend; and not just
one, but Minnie!

[Bill McCray]

There once was a fake vet named Morse
Brought in to inspect a sick horse
Soon scheduled to race
So he kept a straight face
And said, "Just let this thing run its course"

[Bill McCray]

Often funeral homes misbehave
When the bodies they have they don't save.
They'll dispose of, for free,
People's corpses, you see;
A dead give-away, something quite grave.

[Bill McCray]

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'

[Bill McCray]

TOM SWIFTIES:

"Let's put more stanzas at the end of the poem," Tom said adversely.

"The actor playing Hamlet is terrible," Tom stated disdainfully.

"That's an ugly hippopotamus," Tom said, hypocritically.

"I'm trading my German money for Euros," Tom remarked.

"My grandfather, my father, and I are relatively alike except for age," said Tom condescendingly.

"I can’t find the check for my baggage," Tom exclaimed.

"I am not going to bed!", she said resisting a rest.

"There's a blood-sucking insect in my French cheese," said Tom briefly.

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS, AND HEADLINES, part 1

British unions find dwarfs in short supply.

PROPERLY DRAFTED WILL REDUCES ANXIETY AFTER DEATH

DISC JOCKEY: And now, the hit song from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, starring Paul Newman, Bert Bacharach's beautiful ballad, "Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Bed!"

Farmer Bill dies in house.

Heard on the "Outdoor Life" Program: "Our first guest this afternoon is one of the nation's outstanding experts on birds, who has just returned from an extended trip to Australia. In addition to bringing back several parrots, she boasts of owning the largest parateets in captivity."

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS, AND HEADLINES, part 2

BOY DECLARED DEAD, REVIVES AS FAMILY PROTESTS

Typhoon rips through cemetery - hundreds dead.

LEARNING TO SKI AN UPHILL BATTLE, EXPERTS SAY

During the course of an exciting Oakland Raiders-Kansas City Chiefs football game, sportscaster Curt Gowdy blooped, "The seventy-eight-yard drive was led by fourteen-year-old veteran, Lenny Dawson!"

From a wedding announcement in the Arlington, Texas, STAR-TELEGRAM: "The bride was given away by her father wearing her mother's veil."

[Bill McCray]

Jim was less than pleased with the doctor's remedy for the constant fatigue that was plaguing him. "Give up sex completely, Doctor? I'm a young guy. How can you expect me to just go cold turkey?"

The doctor scratched his chin. "So get married and taper off gradually."

[Bill McCray]

A stunningly beautiful and well-stacked blonde walked into a dress shop, and asked the manager, "I wonder if I might try on that blue dress in the window?"

"Go right ahead," he said. "It just might help business."

[Bill McCray]

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."

[Bill McCray]

A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps,
duster, six-shooters, boots, and spurs -- standing on a street corner
in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name.

"Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply.

"Well, Tex, where in Texas are you from?" the policeman asked.

"I'm not from Texas; I'm from Louisiana."

"Then why are you called Tex?"

"I couldn't very well have people call me Louise!"

[Bill McCray]

THE LAST HURRAH

It was after 3 AM in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home. The last guest was sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the sleepy waiter.

"I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?"

"Nothing doing," answered the waiter cheerfully. "Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"

[Bill McCray]

WORLD WAR FOUR

The War of the Navels

People have navels of different kinds,
Ineys and outeys, to that we're resigned;
And so it has happened as it has before,
The difference became a reason for war.

Each side said that the other side was to blame,
For possessing navels that were not the same,
As those they were born with, and greatly admired,
A thing of rare beauty, all people desired.

Ineys and outeys both quickly became
A cause for great pride or a reason for shame;
And even when courtship had barely begun,
It created friction 'twix father and son.

A young man said, "Father, you give good advice,
But I find her navel exceedingly nice!"
His father said, "Son, don't you know it's a sin
To marry a girl with a navel curved in?
Our preacher will tell you, that without a doubt,
Your future wife's navel will have to curve out!"

The world has a great many problems to solve,
But none of them were half as hard to resolve;
Not one of the statesmen knew how to begin,
To decide if navels should curve out or in;
One said, "that the quarrel would not have begun,
If we were like Adam and did not have one!"

Then a plastic surgeon, a man of great fame,
Said, "We will make all belly buttons the same,
Then there never will be a cause to make war,
And peace will reign on the earth forevermore!"

But congress, as always, implanted a doubt,
Asked, "Will you make navels curve in or curve out?
Ineys and Outeys must both keep their pride--"
The doctor said, "We'll flip a coin to decide!"

The coin landed heads, and the Ineys had won,
And all belly buttons flashed under the sun,
Were shapely and beautiful, devoid of sin,
Because every one of the navels curved in.

The munition makers complained they'd grow poor,
Since all were the same, there'd be no cause for war!
But Satan replied, "There's no need for regrets--
We'll foster a war between blonds and brunettes!"

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
******************************************

You are receiving this free weekly humor column because a kind soul forwarded it to you.

To subscribe, send a blank email to: "join-fun...@relay.netatlantic.com".

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN: "GIVE THIS MINORITY A JOB"

"http://www.melvindurai.com/minority.htm"

A decade ago, when the editors of a Pennsylvania newspaper hired me as a reporter, they scored points with the paper's parent company, not because of my qualifications, but because of what I like to call my "permanent tan."

About 25 people worked in the newsroom, and my hiring doubled the number of minority staffers, not to mention the consumption of doughnuts. In fact, an editor listed me as "black" on a company report, the first time in my life it had benefited me to be blacklisted.

As skin color goes, I was certainly as "black" as anyone else, but hailing from Asia, I preferred a racial category that seemed more appropriate: "CaucAsian." However, for the purposes of getting a job, I was willing to go by almost any label, even "Asiatic Humanoid."

My race probably wasn't the deciding factor in my hiring, but it certainly helped. Newspapers have long practiced a form of affirmative action, trying to diversify their staffs, opening doors that were once firmly shut. Some are so eager to hire minorities that I've been able to simplify the cover letters I send them: "Dear Editor: I'm Asiatic. Looking forward to hearing from you."

In case they don't understand the significance of my letter, I attach a large picture of myself, with the word "DIVERSITY" printed across my forehead. The fine print reads: "This applicant has never visited a tanning salon. Nor has he come into contact with shoe polish."

I don't want to give the impression, however, that white folks have trouble getting jobs at newspapers. They don't. Just last year, several thousand were hired, including a young woman who, in a stroke of brilliance, changed her first name to "Minority." The editor of an Idaho newspaper offered her a job, then ran to the publisher's office and yelled, "Great news! We've finally got ourselves a Minority!"

Even editors of the esteemed New York Times, upon spotting a minority near their building, have been known to drop their doughnuts and run toward him or her with arms outspread. They've been able to nab many minorities this way, but a few turned out to be not minorities at all, but very dirty bums. (One of these bums now covers the environment. So to speak.)

In truth, the Times' editors have high standards, but they nevertheless hired and promoted a young African-American reporter named Jayson Blair, whose ability to produce corrections made him the envy of prison wardens everywhere.

Blair was blessed with immense talent, especially a talent for fiction. He was also good at plagiarism and somehow managed to con editors for four years. Perhaps they were too busy celebrating the diversity to pay any attention to the perversity.

Some observers see Blair's downfall as a fault of affirmative action. But that's like blaming the entire cosmetic surgery industry for Michael Jackson's nose.

Dishonesty crosses all races. When Stephen Glass, a young white writer, admitted fabricating articles for the New Republic, nobody challenged a system that in many ways still favors the majority.

In a perfect world, affirmative action would be a thing of the past, and so would racism. Until then, I'd like to offer two words of advice for editors of the New York Times and other newspapers:

I'm Asiatic.

----------------------------------------------------------

(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist, and occasional stand-up comedian. Born in India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in the U.S. since 1982. Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters or shared with friends, discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the subscription and copyright information is included.

TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to: "join-fun...@relay.netatlantic.com" or go to "http://MelvinDurai.com/sub.htm.

[Bill McCray]

EXCUSE NOTES, part 1

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

[These look like they may have been extracted from Richard Lederer's book Anguished English.]

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

[Bill McCray]

EXCUSE NOTES, part 2

12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

14. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

16. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

19. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

20. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

21. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

22. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

23. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Bill McCray]

THE LESSER KNOWN GODS AND DEMI-GODS OF GREECE
by Neal L. Evenhuis

Listed below are a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demigods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everyday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god- or goddesshood. This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone somewhere, sometime.

Arabinose - one of the Sugar Gods. Brother of Fructose and Glucose. These three together were known as the gods of dessert [not to be confused with their father, Pancreas, the Demigod of Dessert - see below]. Singly, but more often in threes, these largely overweight gods waddled through the countryside helping themselves to baklava, and other sweet Greek pastries; often to the surprise and dismay of the citizens of the unfortunate towns and small villages they encountered.

Areola - Goddess of Sexual Permission. A little-known goddess, Areola established the rites of permissions in sexual relationships. Areola believed that while involved in tactile probing, permission could be attained in sexual relationships after certain body-language movements could be deciphered by each party. Unfortunately (and this is why Areola is a lesser goddess), no one fully understood the body language that was the foundation upon which Areola based her sexual permissions. In fact, often times, arguments and broken relationships occurred after mistaken interpretations of certain body language. Areola was quickly replaced by the god Verbal, who fared somewhat better in this regard, but still not to the satisfaction of many couples.

Aroma - Demigod of Aftershave. Aroma never attained real god status and was a mere mortal. Apparently, or so the story goes, Aroma caused much irritation among the other gods because of the heavy amounts of pungent aftershave he wore each day around Mount Olympus. His smell caused so much consternation among the other Greek gods that he was soon shunned to Isle de Brut, off the coast of France, where he was left to die. However, he soon was able to fashion a raft out of used aftershave bottles and floated to Germany and eventually made his way to Cologne, where he lived out the remainder of his mortal life.

Chlorox - Demigod of Laundry. Chlorox was at one time a highly exalted god on Mount Olympus. His hand-washing methods were unparalleled and he was admired by all who employed his talents as the God of Laundry. He was doing great, well ... that is, until the god Maytag appeared. Maytag immediately challenged Chlorox to a duel. They were both to take on the underwear laundry of Zeus. Chlorox used a bleaching action; Maytag used some new fangled machine action. It was doom for Chlorox. Not only did Chlorox lose to Maytag, but the bleach caused some problems with some of Zeus's colored bikini briefs. As a result, Chlorox was relegated to be sold on supermarket shelves for eternity, while Maytag was rewarded by Zeus with never having to worry about repair problems.

Corolla - God of Compacts. Corolla was far ahead of his time, but never made it big with the major Olympian goddesses due to his small size. They all wanted a full-size god and Corolla could never match up. The Greek goddesses always compared him (unfairly) with the Amer-Indian gods, Buick and Cadillac. He maintained that he could far outlast Buick or Cadillac in any competition that dealt with endurance, but the goddesses didn't care. They were more interested
in size than quality. Corolla eventually left Mount Olympus and travelled to the Far East, where he ended up in Japan. At least there, size did not matter.

Diabetes - Goddess of Ice Cream. Mother of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Diabetes hardly worked and was often seen either sleeping or eating sweets of all kinds.

Diarrhea - Goddess of Bad Water. Daughter of Peristalsis, q.v. She never married or really did much of anything. Her pitiful eternal life was spent in the bathroom.

Dyslexia - Goddess of Speling. Unfortunately, Dyslexia failed as a goddess. Upon gaining goddesshood, Dyslexia was asked by Zeus to choose a subject for which she could be revered by Greeks for all time. She chose spelling, but had a terrible time accomplishing much in that endeavor. Though she was the Goddess of Speling for only a very brief period, she was in that position of authority long enough to have forever established certain conventions that have endured for eons. Some of these include establishing the Greek alphabet which, like Cyrillic, is totally undecipherable to most mortals. She is also known for coining the phrase "It's Greek to me" when asked by the other gods and goddesses what a particular word meant that she created.

[Bill McCray]

USEFUL YOUNG MAN

My youngest son is very talkative, in fact he has trouble in school because he's always talking. When he was in first grade, there was a little girl, Val, in his class who didn't speak English. She was Hispanic and was just learning the English language.

One day my son ran up to his teacher and said, "Mrs. B, Mrs. B, Val spoke English!"

Mrs. B excitedly asked what she had said.

"She told me to shut up!" my son replied happy as can be.

[Bill McCray]

THE PURIST

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Frances, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

[Bill McCray]

TODAY'S FASHIONS

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.

Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

[Bill McCray]

SHE'S GOT HER NUMBER

A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No, Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

[Bill McCray]

A GOOD EJUCATION

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first
redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, ain't ya?"

[Bill McCray]

LATE AGAIN!

Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.

"What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.

I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on a helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss.

"But that's what happened! Why don't you believe me?"

"Simple, no woman can EVER got ready in ten minutes!"

[Bill McCray]

VEEP

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answered and Tom said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of Peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

[Bill McCray]

TALK YOUR EAR OFF

Many a pundit has bemoaned the fact that ... nobody knows what the word "pundit" really means.

Commentators have also proclaimed the death of "the art of conversation" many times. The finger is usually pointed at something technological, like television, video games, or the Internet.

However, some recent inventions are likely to bury that myth once and for all. For example, a British company has recently developed a process that lets them print open-ended questions on dinner plates; diners are supposed to discuss these questions as they are revealed throughout the meal. This sounds like an absolutely perfect way to start lively dinner conversations except for one small hitch: the questions are, well, loaded. (Worse, if you serve wine with the meal, your guests will also be loaded by the time enough food is consumed to reveal the questions.) For instance, one question cited was, "Which relative makes you want to run for cover?" The answer to this is either:

A) Polite, strained silence at the family dinner party, while everyone pretends they didn't just glance at Uncle Earl.

B) The beginning of a conversation you probably wish had never been started, because no one knows how to remove blood stains from table cloths.

Another question was, "What did you do to deserve your most memorable
punishment?" Your response to this one would either have to be:

A) An embarrassing revelation about something you did, but never confessed to Mom and Dad.

B) An embarrassing revelation about something one of your siblings did, but never confessed to Mom and Dad.

Indeed, I can't think of any 'open-ended' question which wouldn't lead to large amounts of crockery being thrown with intent to kill. On the other hand, perhaps this is what the dish making company wants.

If provocative platters aren't your thing, then perhaps you can invest in the talking washing machine made by Electrolux. The devices are currently being marketed in India; they know 90 different phrases and are multilingual, making them smarter than most Toronto Maple Leafs fans.

I'd be tempted to get one except, with my luck, I'd get the fashion-critic model. It would spit out my blue jeans in disgust, telling me, "those are so last year." It would criticize the cut of my blouse, or snicker at my fondness for cotton blends. Or worse, it would have a sense of humor. It would take one look at my Leafs jersey and start laughing so hard it would foam at the lid.

No, what I really want is an LG "Internet Fridge." This multifunction appliance would be the centrepiece of any truly cool house. For instance, it can store and display digital photos, so you could display memories of the disastrous dinner party where the dishes asked open-ended questions about Uncle Earl. Since it's connected to the Internet, you can also email pictures of Earl throwing the dishes.

It has a "memos" feature to remind people of things they should be doing. I would use this on my children, because it would be a "win-win" feature. They'd either do their chores when the fridge nagged them, or they'd stop raiding the fridge for sugary snacks and have a healthier diet.

It also has a diary feature, to help you keep track of appointments and special events. Since I keep losing my daybook, this could be good or bad for me. I'd either be better able to keep my appointments, or I'd somehow manage to lose a 26-cubic-foot fridge as well.

Best of all, it has a stored food management system, which alerts you when your food is about to expire. In my house at least, this would prevent many a "discussion" that usually starts out with "Who shoved the yoghurt to the back of the fridge? Now it's green!" On the other hand, this might slow down scientific progress, as I'm sure we've discovered several new life forms in the crisper over the past year.

Perhaps v2.0 of the Internet fridge can email a sample of the yoghurt to the local university, while chucking the rest in the trash. That feature would definitely be a conversation starter.
-------------------
(c) Chandra K. Clarke
http://www.chandrakclarke.com/

[Bill McCray]

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Bill McCray]

The Alabama Governor proposed a tax increase to offset the huge budget deficits. He may lay off three thousand teachers. State workers are so worried about being fired that Alabama's new football coach won't even shop at a strip mall.

[Bill McCray]

The Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Brothel in Nevada hosted an official delegation from six Asian nations last weekend. Talk about wandering off-message. This is a place where you're far more likely to hear about protection than you are about free trade.

[Bill McCray]

Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic surgeries down 12% this year. That's what they mean when they say the economy could get ugly.

[Bill McCray]

Why does your daughter say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck"?
Because she thinks she's a chicken.
Why don't you tell her she's not a chicken?
Because we need the eggs.

[Bill McCray]

Why was the little ink drop depressed?

Because his father was in the pen and wasn't coming out until the end of his sentence.

[Bill McCray]

Why do bananas put on sunscreen?
So they won't peel.

What did the animal trainer think about her lion family?
It was her pride and joy.

If you and a goose are trapped on a roof with no ladder,
how can you get down?
Take it from the goose.

[Bill McCray]

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells

Why did the pelican refuse to pay for his meal?
His bill was too big.

What do you call an intellectually challenged Southern
debutante who pumps iron?
A dumb belle.

Why did the apple go out with a fig?
Because it couldn't find a date.

[Bill McCray]

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead while I give these two a lift

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
Because she mislaid them.

What kind of cake should you serve to chicken?
Layer cake.

What kind of food should brave soldiers eat?
Hero sandwiches.

[Bill McCray]

How do you stop a monster from digging up your garden?
Take away his shovel.

Teacher: Spell "water" for me.
Student: H I J K L M N 0.
Teacher: That doesn't spell "water".
Student: You said that it is H to O.

What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
Skin-diving!

[Bill McCray]

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
Because it had bad stable manners!

What is the most important use for cowhide?
It helps keep the cow together.

What is the biggest pencil in the world?
Pencil-vania.

[Bill McCray]

How did the cow feel when it struck out at bat?
Like an udder failure.

What kind of cookie must be handled carefully?
Ginger snaps.

Did you hear about the man who wore glasses on his butt?
He had terrific hindsight!

What do you call someone who rolls in the mud and crosses
the street twice?
A dirty double-crosser.

[Bill McCray]

Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because each player raises a racquet.

What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!

When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.

What did the bee use to arrange his hair?
A honeycomb.

[Bill McCray]

Did you hear that NASA just recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They call it the herd shot round the world.

What's another name for singing in the shower?
A Soap Opera!

Why did the dog go to court?
Because it got a barking ticket!

How does a Hawaiian baritone laugh?
A low ha!

[Bill McCray]

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number?

"Great scott! I've forgotten who wrote Ivanhoe!"
"I'll tell you if you tell me who the dickens wrote "The Tale of Two Cities."

While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed.

[Bill McCray]

Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the Hollywood Freeway and blocked all traffic. Police are still combing the area.

After his watch battery ran down, he had a bad time.

Drilling for oil is boring work.

The painter made some off-color jokes.

[Bill McCray]

There is a popular Japanese restaurant that features stir-fried vegetables and egg rolls and has rock-and-roll music playing on the sound system. It's called Wok 'N Roll.

[Bill McCray]

The divers found plenty of the treasure they were seeking, although some were too small or misshapen. They always waited till sunrise to throw those back in the ocean.do that, because they knew they shouldn't cast their pearls before shine.

[Bill McCray]

The farmer found out that his daughter was planning to sneak off to marry an unsuitable suitor. He told her "Sorry to squash your date to leek off with that bad-apple, has-bean, dead-beet lemon who has no celery - but you just plum cantaloupe!"

[Bill McCray]

Given that country's varied culinary heritage, it is only appropriate
that Congress granted China the status of most-flavored nation.

[Bill McCray]

What's the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist?
The taxidermist leaves the hide.

I heard of a specialist from Havana, whose specialty is Castroenterology.

An option that is available on most modern automobiles and might be
popular with coxswains on a rowing team is Crews Control.

[Bill McCray]

Mark's wife, Carol, an English teacher specializing in Shakespeare, came out of the family room and smiled wryly at him. Wrinkling her nose, she said "One of the kids left food in there again."

Mark smiled, knowing his wife's penchant for puns, and prepared himself for the worst. Rising to the bait he said, "You mean ..."

"Yep!" she answered, "Something's rotten in the state of the den, Mark!

[Bill McCray]

From Frank & Ernest by Bob Thaves:

"You couldn't name the Presidents and flunked History?"

"Yeah, it's not what you know, it's who you know.

[Bill McCray]

From Graffiti by Gene Mora:

Taking a lunch break is the cause that refleshes.

[Bill McCray]

From For Better Or For Worse by Lynn Johnston:

"It seems like everyone I know has a revolving staff of people either going on or coming back from maternity leave"

"I guess you would call that Musical Heirs."

[Bill McCray]

From Herman by Jim Unger, set at a Continental Congress meeting:

"I like the part about the pursuit of happiness."

"It's really hot in here. Maybe we should mention something about not having to wear jackets if we don't want to."

"And wear short-sleeved shirts?"

"That's not a bad idea. How would we word it?"

"What about 'Everyone should have the right to bare arms?'"

[Bill McCray]

From Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, doctor to nurse at a clinic:

"Let's see. Have there been any injuries, digestive disorders, or malpractice suits today?"

"Nope, no hits, no runs, and no errors."

[Bill McCray]

From Reality Check by Dave Whamond:

A test-tube baby is in a womb with a view.

[Bill McCray]

From Hager the Horrible by Chris Browne:

"What does a knight in armor do with his lance when he loses his job?"

"He free-lances."

[Bill McCray]

From Shoe by Cassatt & Brookins:

"They found a guy sleeping on the roof of the building where the
government prints money."

"Wow! He must be the first person to leave a pillow on a mint."

[Bill McCray]

A man walked into a lumberyard and said, "I need some two-by-fours."

"How long do you need them?"

"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[Bill McCray]

I tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I accidentally put in my
donor card instead of my calling card. It cost me an arm and a leg.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past ... but never the present.

[Bill McCray]

The pot-head student stashed his weed inside his ballpoint pen and became a Bic man on cannabis.

Recently Marcel Marceau was waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant when he tried to slip the maitre'd $50 to seat him right away. The man just shook his head and said, "I will serve no mime before his time."

[Bill McCray]

When the knitting club met, she liked to spin a yarn.

A gent from Glasgow exclaimed in frustration: "I just washed my kilt, and I can't do a fling with it."

[Bill McCray]

At shearing time there are sheep thrills, but the farmer has to make sure that when he sells the sheep, he doesn't get fleeced.

Some butchers live off the fat of the land.

[Bill McCray]

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"

An FBI sketch artist is a bureau drawer.

[Bill McCray]

Actors who play in "Western" movies like to be scene and not herded.

I just got a junk e-mail with a subject line that said, "Grow gigantic OVERNIGHT!!" The joke's on them, though, because my wife's cooking already took care of that.

[Bill McCray]

A guy drove his car until the day of wreckening.

If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale," just keep on driving. They usually have only one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.

[Bill McCray]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants .

To get her man, a fashion artist uses designing ways.

[Bill McCray]

I work with a very attractive single girl who loves to go on vacation. Each year when she returns, she gives you a beau-by-beau account of her two weeks.

A good method to select a cover girl is at face value.

[Bill McCray]

Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS: one takes the credit and the other takes the cash.

I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition.

[Bill McCray]

A bust is made of famous people who are a head of their time.

Forbidden fruit can cause many jams.

[Bill McCray]

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Caesar sent a message to Brutus to bring him a dozen apples. Brutus returned with the apples, but when Caesar counted them, he found only ten. He turned to Brutus and angrily said: "Et two, Brute?"

[Bill McCray]

I was chatting with a chick on-line, and I told her I have her favorite song on vinyl.

She said, "You're really dating yourself."

So I said "Duh -- why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first place?"

[Bill McCray]

Penelope, a competitive swimmer, had very hairy legs. So, for the big swim meet, she decided to shave her legs in order to shave a fraction of a second off her time. Apparently, it must have worked. Penelope won her race by just one one-hundredth of a second! Shortly thereafter, she spent the day at the beach, but forgot to put sun block on her legs. The result was a bad sunburn on her naked, hairless legs. When she returned home, her mother remarked, "A Penny shaved is a Penny burned."

[Bill McCray]

Caesar had just become the emperor. Mark Antony came into the throne room and shouted, "Hail! Hail! Hail! Oh mighty Caesar!" Julius jumped up from his throne and angrily shouted, "How dare you hail while I am reigning!"

[Bill McCray]

There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed a hundred white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater. The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away.

"But why?" she wailed.

"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."

[Bill McCray]

A couple named their daughter after their favorite singer, Dinah Shore. But, unlike the singer's cheery personality, their daughter was morose and had a fiery, explosive temper. So, when a new babysitter arrived one evening to take care of Dinah and was told of this trait, the sitter was concerned and asked the parents, "If I stop her from doing something she ought not to do, will she have a fit and blow up?"

The father answered, "Knowing our daughter as we do, I must admit, Dinah might."

[Bill McCray]

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"

[Bill McCray]

"Writing for the Sell of It" was the theme of our community college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely-published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker, my request was met by a long silence. He finally said, "I don't know what I would say to that audience."

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're extremely qualified to speak on that subject writing about selling."

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said, 'Writing for the Celibate.'"

[Bill McCray]

Did you hear the one about the potato chip factory that fried its product in goose grease? An alert inspector noted that some goose feathers had mistakenly fallen into the works. This just goes to show that he is a good man to have around when the chips are down.

[Bill McCray]

Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation.

At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."

[Bill McCray]

Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do. Paddy said to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with any more children." So they went to see the priest and the priest said to Patrick, "Now, my children, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether and the other is the rhythm method."

Patrick scratched his head and said, "Well, now, Father, how am I going to find a band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"

[Bill McCray]

When two single people who have been given power of attorney over several prominent citizens, but cannot remember their gambling losses for the current fiscal year meet, they have no choice but to proxy mate.

[Bill McCray]

According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, leave him alone, he's working out.

[Bill McCray]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Asa said, "They must be bored-again Christians."

[Bill McCray]

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain in my hand. There was a small cut from the scattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor. "What happened?" he asked.

"I was attacked by a flying saucer," I replied.

[Bill McCray]

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

[Bill McCray]

When my son was around nine, we had a very wet spring causing several of his baseball games to be cancelled or postponed. Finally a make-up game was scheduled for one of the games. I told my six-year-old daughter that if she had any homework that day she needed to be sure to complete it during aftercare at school because her brother had a make-up game. That night since it was still too wet for her to play, she moved from lap to lap. While she was in my lap, she looked at her brother's dug-out and then she looked at the other dug-out. She turned to me and asked, "Are we wearing make-up or is the other team?"

[Bill McCray]

When the owners of sled-dog teams in Alaska got to arguing endlessly about whether or not their huskies would run faster if given periodic snacks during their runs, instead of just one big meal a day, it was just a case of Mush Ado About Noshing.

[Bill McCray]

I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."

[Bill McCray]

Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became ill while gathering pollen, but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.

[Bill McCray]

As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac was used to hand-me-downs. He was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him to a store to choose a watch. A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second hand." With that, Isaac's face fell. "SECOND hand? I thought we were buying a NEW one!"

[Bill McCray]

DEFINITIONS:

Lagoon: A stupid Frenchman.

Ionosphere: I have recently purchased a ball.

Tabulate: A little identification flap worn by school children who weren't on time that day.

Wrench: Yiddish for where the cowboys live.

Libertarian: Someone who only eats liberals.

Minister: To mix use a small mixing spoon.

Lazy: Set down the final letter of the alphabet.

Parentheses: Within a mom's or dad's vision.

Homogeneous: A really smart gay person.

Tarmac: The all-black model launched by Apple.

Laceration: Limited allotment of doilies.

Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Lady in Waiting: The woman serving food in the finest restaurants.

Linkage: Trying to connect two periods in history (e.g., the Ice Age and the Dark Ages).

Lactose: Missing part of a foot