Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

George Washington Carver: The man who performed the autopsy on
the first President of the U.S.A.

[Bill McCray]

The ne'er-do-well ended up on the shady side of the family tree.

[Bill McCray]

Americans are people who insist on living in the present tense.

[Bill McCray]

To spot a glacier, you have to have good ice sight.

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind soul
forwarded it to you.

To subscribe, please see instructions at the bottom.

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

For links, photos, and comments, please read this column at
"http://www.Nshima.com", where it was first posted.

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

OBAMA DELIVERS "STATE OF THE ONION" ADDRESS
"http://nshima.com/2015/01/21/obama-delivers-state-of-the-onion-a
ddress/"

In case you missed it, President Obama recently gave a great
State of the Onion address. Here is an excerpt:

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow
Americans:

We are fifteen years into this new century. Fifteen years in
which our country has fought many battles and overcome many
hurdles to claim its rightful place as one of the world's
greatest onion producers. Over the last five years, only China
and India have produced more onions than America. However, the
reality is that while China produced 27 percent of the world's
onions and India 20 percent, we were far behind at four percent.

But tonight, we turn the page.

Tonight, after a breakthrough year for America, our economy is
growing, our farmers are prospering, and we are on pace to
produce five percent of the world's onions! Yes, one out of
every 20 onions will be dug out of American soil! But before you
get too excited, I need to emphasize that it's going to take a
concerted national effort to achieve this, not just from our
onion-growing farmers, but also from the onion-eating public. We
must follow a program that I'm unveiling tonight called "No Onion
Left Uneaten."

It's up to us to choose who we want to be over the next fifteen
years and for decades to come. Will we accept a world in which
China and India get all the onion glory? Or will we commit
ourselves to growing and eating more onions, so future
generations of Americans can proudly display their "Onion Power"
banners?

As part of my "No Onion Left Uneaten" program, I would like to
share three important ideas:

First, we must realize that diversity makes our country stronger,
and it's not enough to eat just white onions or yellow onions or
red onions. We must embrace onions of all types: Red, yellow,
white, and even green. We must not discriminate against any
onion. We must pledge to rid America of all forms of onionism.

Some of you may be inclined to enjoy onions you're familiar with
and shun onions that look different and came here from other
countries. But it's important to remember that the onions you
enjoy today are descendants of onions that once came to America
from faraway lands. We must embrace them all, even the wild
ones.

Secondly, my fellow Americans, we must try to incorporate onions
in our cooking as much as possible. It's not enough to make
onion soup, onion bread, and onion rings. We must put onions on
our burgers, onions on our hot dogs, onions on our pizza. Just
ask Michelle and she'll tell you that onions are my favorite
topping -- I can't eat ice cream without them.

It's also important to buy non-food products that are made with
onions. We must support American companies that are introducing
innovative products such as onion ointment, onion toothpaste, and
onion mouthwash. You may snicker at the thought of using onion
mouthwash, but take my word for it, there's no better cure for
garlic breath.

Thirdly, we shouldn't just leave the onion-growing to our
farmers. All of us can grow onions ourselves. If you live in a
house, you can grow onions in your backyard garden. If you live
in an apartment, you can grow onions in a pot on your balcony.
If you live in your mother's basement, you can grow onions in
those empty beer cans beside the couch.

If we work together, my fellow Americans, we can do it. We can
beat China and India at their own game and get ourselves a bigger
slice of the onion pie. Just ask Michelle and she'll tell you
how much I enjoy onion pie.

Thank you, God bless you, God bless America, and God bless this
vegetable we love.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

MELVIN'S TWEETS "http://twitter.com/melvindurai"

You can now read Melvin's column in blog format, leave comments,
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BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters, blogs,
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and copyright information are included. This does not apply to
print publications or commercial websites.

Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
his life. Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands
of people in more than 90 countries.

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[Bill McCray]

Two blonde guys find three grenades and they decide to take them
to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we
get there?"

The other said: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[Bill McCray]

A woman phoned the blonde neighbor guy and said: "Close your
curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The
whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

The blonde guy replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because
I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy was in the bathroom, and his wife shouted "Did you
find the shampoo?"

He answered, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry
hair, and I've just wet mine."

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy went to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's
got epilepsy," he told the vet.

The vet took a look and said, "It seems calm enough to me".

The blonde guy said, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl
yet".

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy saw a letter lying on his doormat. It said on the
envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spent the next two hours trying to
figure out how to pick it up.

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy shouted frantically into the phone "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.

"No," he shouts, "this is her husband!"

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy's dog was missing and he was frantic. His wife
asked "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He did, but two weeks later the dog was still missing. "What did
you put in the paper?" his wife asked.

"Here, boy!" he replied.

[Bill McCray]

A blonde guy was in jail. A guard looked in his cell and saw him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asked.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replied.

"It should be around your neck" said the guard.

"I tried that," he replied, "but then I couldn't breathe."

[Bill McCray]

Beau Bridges took a meteorology course in which the instructor was
describing how hail is formed -- much higher than the usual rain
clouds. When he asked where specifically it happened, he was
told, "Somewhere over the rain, Beau."

[Bill McCray]

My husband, Jim was trying to fix our carousel CD player. For
some reason it would not release any of the CDs after pressing
the button. Jim said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with
it and I said I know exactly what's wrong. It suffers from
ejectile dysk-function.

[Bill McCray]

The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that
George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was
convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a
six-pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter.
And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.
Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him
see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of
yourself," he told George.

George answered, "No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

[Bill McCray]

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them
in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband
has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the
parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location and con-
fessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my
keys in the car, and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been discon-
nected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked,
"I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your car!"

Welcome to the golden years.

[Bill McCray]

Our neighbor openly complained about our remodeling project. A
new second-story window with a view of her patio was the last
straw. A year later she still ignores my wave as she drives by.
I mentioned this to my husband. "Honey," he commented," "you've
been the victim of a drive-by snooting."

[Bill McCray]

A rancher named Herb Gardner was tending to his fence mending one
day and discovered that some of the young local deer seemed to be
grazing almost exclusively on a specific weed that sported pairs
of small elliptical leaves. When he returned home he noticed
that the rear sole of his boot had become separated and
inadvertently collected a sample of the curious plant. Herb
grabbed his handy botanical reference book to see if he could
identify what plant it was that was so attractive to young deer.
After he perused the pages for a moment, Herb reached down and
pulled off his boot and spoke directly to the separated sole.
"You picked a 'fawn thyme two-leaf,' me loose heel."

[Bill McCray]

Laura: "Whatcha working on, Sweetheart?"

Adam: "A newsletter for an association of funeral homes."

Laura: "They have newsletters?"

Adam: "Sure! Morticians belong to organizations just like
everyone else."

Laura: "And I thought it was a dying craft."

Adam: "On the contrary, competition gets stiffer all the time."

[Bill McCray]

In a recent visit to San Diego's Balboa Park, I came across young
man entertainng a crowd, playing the guitar and singing. The
most interesting part of his performance was that he was without
arms, barefoot, and was playing the guitar with his toes.

Me to a friend: "He looks like an 'armless sort of chap."

Friend: "Aren't you being off handed."

Me: "I'm just trying to be disarming."

[Bill McCray]

When a husband and his wife showed up to a very popular
restaurant, it was crowded. The wife went up to the hostess and
asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess appeared to be ignoring the wife, but kept writing in
her book. So, she asked again, "How much of a wait?"

The woman hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud
speaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready!"

[Bill McCray]

In 1994, when the big quake hit the L.A. area, part of the damage
included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had
driven in from out of state. When he put in the claim to his
insurance company, they rejected it. When asked why the claim
was not covered, the Insurance company said it was because the
tourist had a no-fault policy.

After losing out this way, the policyholder tried to start a
citizen's organization to fight this kind of rip-off from
happening again. He called it the San Andreas Fund. However
nothing came of it, hardly anyone contributed to aid the fund in
its efforts. The general feeling was that charity is one thing,
but this was being generous to a fault.

[Bill McCray]

Sylvester Stalone wanted to make yet another sequel in his famous
series of pictures featuring the disgruntled macho soldier.
Unfortunately for him, several of the financial backers who had
backed his previous films had moved on to other projects. Yes,
some were over thee, Rambo.

[Bill McCray]

In California, where the ground can resemble Jello, a trembler
hit, and everybody in an office supply store took cover. The
packages of paper quivered like leaves, all but one, which was
wedged in so tightly that it, and it alone, didn't shake.
Thinking it looked like a safe place to be, employee Donnie took
shelter beside it, ducking to avoid the falling plaster. When
the quake was over, and the store manager started counting heads,
he asked, "Where's Donnie?" To which one of the other employees
replied, "Down by the old still ream."

[Bill McCray]

I am reminded that so many bad things start with the phrase, "I
am reminded ...". Nevertheless, I am reminded of the unfortunate
Japanese lad in Yokohoma who was working on a roof. He dropped a
tile on his hand, leaving a significant portion of epidermis
behind. Then, in his excitement, he kicked the ladder down and
had to descend very carefully, hand over hand, clinging on to a
gutter downpipe. Local wags created a song about this
misadventure, "Yokohoma, where the skinned comes creeping down
the drain."

[Bill McCray]

Being told by his father that he must enter the 4H pet contest,
little Johnny entered his pig, "Tricky". Unfortunately this
animal's only attribute was being able to sniff out Johnny's
sister, May. Despite this, the pig won. No matter where the
judges hid May, the pig found her - even in a locked safe!
Thinking there was some foul play, Johnny was asked how the pig
could do it.

Johnny answered, "Trichinosis!"

[Bill McCray]

Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery
at one of the many archaeological digs in that country. In a
cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs
that had been buried for over a thousand years. When they
finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were
that old. Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining
the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof.
For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

[Bill McCray]

A young couple's marriage was suffering from her inability to
cook. Things really got bad the night that the husband fished a
piece of paper out of what was supposed to be a stew. He
unfolded the paper and read, "Nobly, nobly Cape St. Vincent to
the North-west died away."

Waving the soggy scrap, he demanded, "What the heck is, this?"

"Well," the young wife replied, "the reclpe said that if the stew
was too thin I should add Browning."

[Bill McCray]

DEFINITIONS:

Chafing Dish: A girl who has been stood up on a date.

Horizon: Call girl getting up in the morning.

Exporter: Someone who used to work on trains.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Beatnik: Santa Claus the day after Christmas.

Hormone: A whiny noise made by a prostitute during work.

Fireproof: The boss' relatives.

Allege: A high rock shelf.

Hymen: A greeting to male companions.

Silver Nitrate: A rental fee for the Lone Ranger's horse after
dark.

Drive-in Movie: Wall-to-wall car-petting.

Dismantled: The New York Yankees after 1968.

Felicity: A town inhabited by cats.

Shampoo: A fake bear.

Exchequer: A retired supermarket employee.

Idolize: Eyes on a religious statue.

Jitterbug: A nervous insect.

[Bill McCray]

There once was a man of Ceylon
Who had forty jars of Dijon
When asked, "If you please,
Sir, are you Ceylonese?"
He cried, "I sell nothing. Be gone!"

[Bill McCray]

'Twas a poet named William at birth.
Wrote 'bout nature, had simply no dearth
Of superior prose.
As his English fame rose,
He found out just how much his Wordsworth.

[Bill McCray]

He's so charming and handsome and slim
But Melissa is dumping her Tim
He's unfaithful and brash
Won't put out the trash
'Though the trash all put out for him.

[Bill McCray]

An old sailing ship skipper of note
Who encountered rebellion afloat
Overwhelmed by demands
Placed his head in his hands
Then his hands' heads he hanged from the boat.

[Bill McCray]

Tom Swifties

"My horse won't stop," Tom shouted woefully.

"May I join your group and sing, too?" Tom inquired.

"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom
distractingly.

"In order for my eBay business to survive, I will need
to find some new customers," Tom said morbidly.

[Bill McCray]

Frank McGee, NBC News, gave this information to the viewing
public during the course of a Gemini space flight: "I have just
learned that we do have the film of the astronauts' breakfast,
which should be coming up shortly."

[Bill McCray]

Walter Cronkite was reading the news about Rolls-Royce having a
recall campaign, when be said, "Rolls-Royce announced today that
it is recalling all Rolls-Royce cars made after 1966 because of
faulty nuts behind the steering wheels."

[Bill McCray]

Heard on the "Outdoor Life" program: "Our first guest this
afternoon is one of the nation's outstanding experts on birds,
who has just returned from an extended trip to Australia. In
addition to bringing back several parrots, she boasts of owning
the largest parateets in captivity."

[Bill McCray]

A sultan was inspecting the quarters of his harem. He opened a
closet in one of the bedrooms and let out a terrified sheik.

[Bill McCray]

After an evening at the theater and several nightcaps at an
intimate little bistro, the young man whispered to his date,
"How do you feel about making love to men?"

"That's my business," she snapped.

"Ah," he said, "a professional!"

[Bill McCray]

A dedicated bachelor is one who believes in the adage wine, women,
and s'long.

[Bill McCray]

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

[Bill McCray]

Headlines:

TWO TEENAGERS INDICTED FOR DROWNING IN LAKE

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

MAN SHOT, STABBED; DEATH BY NATURAL CAUSES RULED

Official: Only rain will cure drought

NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

Elephants eat roots, leaves, grasses, and sometimes bark

TEEN-AGE GIRLS OFTEN HAVE BABIES FATHERED BY MEN

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[Bill McCray]

HEADLINES

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Bill McCray]

HEADLINES

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Bill McCray]

BE PREPARED

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards."

[Bill McCray]

PARENT TEST

You Know You're a Parent When ... (12 sure-fire signs)

12. You eat dinner on dinosaur-decorated placemats

11. You catch yourself singing the "Barney" theme song -- in
public.

10. You stop the tears by taping broken crayons back together.

9. You long for nothing more than a good night's sleep

8. You buy jelly according to the characters on the jar.

7. You know the best way to scrape dried Cheerios off the
floor.

6. You find out you never have to buy another Christmas
ornament.

5. Your storage closet has a broom and a vacuum cleaner in
miniature size.

4. You take phone messages in crayon.

3. You always buy the big pack of batteries-- but you can never
find one when you need one.

2. you find action figures in your washing machine

1. You find yourself cutting your spouse's meat into bite-sized
pieces

[Bill McCray]

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind soul
forwarded it to you.

To subscribe, please see instructions at the bottom.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

For links, photos and comments, please read this column at
"http://www.Nshima.com", where it was first posted.

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME A PARTICIPATION TROPHY
"http://nshima.com/2015/08/28/participation-trophy/"

A football player named James Harrison recently expressed his
opposition to participation awards after his two sons, aged 6
and 8, returned home from a sports camp with trophies.

"While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do ...
these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy,"
Harrison, who plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers, wrote on
Instagram.

A "real trophy", in his view, is one that you earn by achieving
something, such as winning a tournament, rather than merely
participating.

I somewhat agree with him, but let me give you some background
first. Throughout my entire childhood, I never received a single
trophy, not even for coming third in the egg-and-spoon race. If
someone asked me if I was athletically inclined as a youth, I'd
say "NOT", which stands for "Not One Trophy."

No, I'm not bitter about this. I didn't win any sporting events,
so why should I care that I have no medals or trophies to show
for all the hours I spent in the hot sun, all the buckets of
sweat I released into the environment? Why should it bother me
when I visit a friend's house and see all the trophies and medals
his children have won for participating in sports, awards
inscribed with words such as "2015 Karate Award for Enthusiasm
and No Broken Bones" and "2015 Spelling Bee Award for
successfully spelling your own name."

I grew up in a developing country, Zambia, where even the winners
of sporting events didn't always get trophies. If you were the
fastest runner in school, you took pride in representing your
school in interscholastic events, even if you didn’t receive a
trophy. And if you were like me, you took pride in making it to
the finish line in the cross-country race, even if you tripped
over a few times and accidentally ate some grass. (They almost
gave me the MVP award – Most Vegetarian Participant.)

Nowadays, in America and other wealthier countries, it's quite
common for everyone on a youth sports team to receive a trophy at
the end of the year. Each of the players has paid a fee to
participate in the sport and it doesn't cost much for organizers
to buy small trophies for them all. These trophies are handed
out like candy at an awards dinner, giving parents an opportunity
to take a photo of their child with a trophy, which they can
proudly display on their wall – their Facebook wall, of course.

"So proud of Johnny," a parent might write. "He has participated
in soccer for three years and finally scored his first goal this
year." (No mention, of course, that it was an own goal.)

Just imagine how much money the trophy industry would lose if
sports organizers stopped handing out participation trophies.
Dozens of factories in China would close. Liu Peng, China's
Minister of Sports, would call a press conference to try to save
the industry.

Peng: "It is very important to encouraging the children!
Without encouraging, they will not do good."

Reporter: "Can't you encourage them with words? Aren't words
like 'Good job!' and 'Nice try!' enough?"

Peng: "Yes, words are good. But trophies are better. Words,
you forgetting, but trophies lasting forever, even if made in
China."

Reporter: "What about adults? Do they need encouragement, too?"

Peng: "Yes, everyone needs encouragements. That's why we
telling companies, if your employees showing up for work on time,
give them trophies. Husbands, if your wife cooking good meal,
give her trophy. And wives, if your husband not cheating on you,
give him trophy."

Reporter: "You want husbands to give their wives trophies for
cooking?"

Peng: "Yes, it very important. Why must famous actors be only
ones with trophy wives?"

Encouraging children is important, but a participation trophy may
give them the idea that merely showing up is enough. The trophy
needs to be tied to some sort of achievement. Completing a
marathon is certainly worthy of a medal, but I wouldn't say the
same about participating in a 12-week badminton league. (If
Saina Nehwal is in the league and you get a single point off her,
then by all means, help yourself to a trophy.)

My three children have received medals for participating in a
spelling bee contest. Two of them also received small trophies
for finishing second in their respective age groups.

The trophies are displayed prominently in our home. The medals …
well, I'm thinking of mailing them back to China.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

Follow Melvin's humor on Facebook:
"http://www.facebook.com/HumorColumns".

MELVIN'S TWEETS
"http://twitter.com/melvindurai"

You can now read Melvin's column in blog format, leave comments,
and get an RSS-compatible feed for your newsreader at
"http://www.Nshima.com".

BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters, blogs,
discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the website link
and copyright information are included. This does not apply to
print publications or commercial websites.

Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
his life. Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands
of people in more than 90 countries.

----------------------------------------------------------------
To subscribe, send a blank message to
FunnyCo...@mail-list.com

To contact the list owner, send your message to

FunnyColumn...@mail-list.com

mail-list.com
1302 Waugh Dr. #438
Houston, Texas 77019
USA

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind soul
forwarded it to you.

To subscribe, please see instructions at the bottom.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

For links, photos and comments, please read this column at
"http://www.Nshima.com", where it was first posted.

=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

LAST WORD OF THE DEARLY DEPARTED
"http://nshima.com/2015/09/04/obits/"

Years ago, obituaries in newspapers contained just the usual
run-of-the-mill details: name and age of the deceased;
occupation, accomplishments and hobbies; a long list of
survivors; and funeral arrangements. Now and then, you'd spot
something interesting in an obituary, such as the fact that a man
loved his favorite baseball player, Barry Bonds, so much that his
dying wish was to not only be cremated while wearing a Bonds
jersey, but to have his ashes kept in a replica of a syringe.

These days, with paid obituaries becoming the norm in many
newspapers, obits are limitless in their potential for creative
expression and entertainment. Whatever "last word" a person
wants to have, newspapers rarely stand in the way, even if the
"last word" is something utterly ridiculous, such as "The world
is flat," "New Zealanders eat with their toes," or "Donald Trump
would make a great president."

A recent example comes from New Jersey, where the last line of
Elaine Fydrych's obituary states: "Elaine requests, 'In lieu of
flowers, please do not vote for Hillary Clinton.'"

The 63-year-old woman, a Democrat, wasn't happy with the
presidential candidate's performance as Secretary of State, in
particular her handling of the 2012 Benghazi attack.

Fydrych "wanted to go out with a punch, and I think she did
that," her husband, Joe, told the Associated Press. Indeed, she
landed a punch right into Clinton's gut.

It's not the first punch Clinton has taken from the dearly
departed. Last April, the obituary of a North Carolina man, a
lifelong Republican named Larry Upright, stated that his family
"respectfully asks that you do not vote for Hillary Clinton in
2016."

More recently, a Miami woman named Nancy Dearr used her obituary
to show support for one of Clinton's rivals, stating that "in
lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Bernie Sanders
presidential campaign."

Dead folks showing their opposition to Hillary Clinton may not
seem like a big deal, but it must be a major concern for
Clinton's campaign staff, who can't be pleased that their
candidate is lagging behind in dead-voter polls.

No political candidate should take dead voters for granted. Just
ask former presidential candidate Ross Perot, who spent several
days in 1992 campaigning at Arlington National Cemetery.

Turnout at a number of elections in America would be abysmal if
not for dead voters. (The politically correct term for such
voters is PC -- pulse-challenged). In New York State alone,
about 26,000 PC voters are officially registered to vote, and
hundreds of them have actually cast ballots. This means, of
course, that Larry Upright won't need to be upright to vote
against Clinton in 2016.

While some people share their political affiliations in their
obituaries, others express their allegiance to sports teams. The
2013 obituary of Scott E. Entsminger, a lifelong Cleveland Browns
fan, includes this line: "He respectfully requests six Cleveland
Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last
time."

One of the most entertaining obituaries in recent years was that
of a Pennsylvania man named Kevin McGroarty who "died Tuesday,
July 22, 2014, after battling a long fight with mediocracy."

McGroarty, according to the obit, was "preceded in death by
brother, Airborne Ranger Lt. Michael F. McGroarty, and many
beloved pets: Chainsaw, an English Mastiff in Spring 2009;
Baron, an Irish Setter in August 1982; Peter Max, a turtle,
Summer 1968; along with numerous house flies and bees, but they
were only acquaintances."

The obit also stated that "McGroarty leaves behind no children
(that he knows of)" and that, after studying various religions
and Greek philosophy, he wanted to leave behind some wisdom for
everyone to ponder: "It costs nothing to be nice" and "Never
stick a steak knife in an electrical outlet."

Please don't stick a knife in Hillary Clinton's presidential
aspirations either.

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

Follow Melvin's humor on Facebook:
"http://www.facebook.com/HumorColumns".

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BLOG AND OTHER REPRINTS
The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters, blogs,
discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the website link
and copyright information are included. This does not apply to
print publications or commercial websites.

Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
his life. Through the Internet, his column is read by thousands
of people in more than 90 countries.

---------------------------------------------------------------

[Bill McCray]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How
many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your
husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't
remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text
to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another
person, and to read aloud the text message they received in
response to their message.

Below are 8 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been
married for quite a while, a sign of true love, who else would
reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What the hell did you do now?

5. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

6. Am I dreaming?

7. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day!

8. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

[Bill McCray]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the young
lass looked at the laddie and said, "A penny for your thoughts,
Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee
kiss."

The lassie blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek.

Then the lad blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.

Minutes passed and the young lass spoke again. "Another penny
for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put
me arm around your waist."

The lassie blushed, then took his arm and put it around her
waist. Then Angus blushed again.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
the lassie spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee
cuddle."

The young lass blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then the laddie blushed again. And the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus?"

The young lad glanced down with a furled brow. "Well," he said,
"me thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the young lass, in a whisper filled with
anticipation.

"Aye," said Angus, nodding his head.

The young lass looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit
her lip in anticipation of the next request.

Angus then said, "Do ye not think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"

[Bill McCray]

A LESSON

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on
the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he
picked up a very large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that
it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was full.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table
and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar -
effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students all laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you
to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
your health, your children -- things that if everything else was
lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job,
your house, your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is
no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your
life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to
you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of beers."

[Bill McCray]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[Bill McCray]

CHANGING DEMOGRAPHICS

Two rabbis were having lunch. "Some of my congregation are
switching over to the Quakers!" complained the first.

"Is that a fact?" said the second.

"Yes, some of my best Jews are Friends!"

[Bill McCray]

A man walked into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the
collar and was met by a bouncer who told him he must wear a
necktie to gain admission.

The man went out to his car, looked around for a necktie, and
discovered that he just didn't have one. He did see a set of
jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he tied them around
his neck, managing to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot,
and let the ends dangle free.

He went back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looked
him over for a few minutes and then said, "Well, okay, I guess
you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Bill McCray]

GOOD OLD AMERICAN MANAGEMENT

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their
peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person
rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,
the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering
and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day
neared again the following year, the American team's management
structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new
performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the mangers a bonus for discovering the
problem.

[This is almost too true to be funny.]

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this free weekly humor column because a kind

soul forwarded it to you.

THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:
"A HOT BODY DYING FOR SOME FOOD"
http://www.MelvinDurai.com/hotbody.htm

Just when you thought television programming could get no worse,
it plunged to a new low with the debut of ABC's reality show "Are
You Hot?: The Search For America's Sexiest People." But we
really should have expected this. We should have known we were
inviting trouble when we allowed the Walt Disney Co. to buy a TV
network. First Bambi and now this.

The new show is modeled after "American Idol," but instead of
evaluating singing ability, the three judges rate contestants on
face, body, and overall sex appeal. In other words, the judges
-- designer Randolph Duke, supermodel Rachel Hunter, and actor
Lorenzo Lamas -- spend an entire hour pretending they're back in
high school.

Tenth-grade boy: "Dude, did you check out her body? She's so
hot, my braces are beginning to melt. I'd rate her a perfect
10."

Friend: "What about her personality?"

Tenth-grader: "She has a great personality. And it looks darn
good in those jeans!"

But while schoolboys tend to keep their comments to themselves,
the judges share theirs with the entire country, thrilling some
of the swimsuit-clad contestants, disheartening others. "I'm
giving you a five for your face, mostly because your mustache is
a little too thick. I'm giving a six for your body, because your
breasts look too natural. And I'm giving a nine for sex appeal,
because, although some of your body parts are lacking, I love the
way you shake them."

Lorenzo searches for flaws the way a tax accountant looks for
loopholes. And when he finds them, he uses a laser pointer to
beam a green dot on them. "Did you realize, young man, that one
of your nose hairs is longer than the others? I'm deducting five
points for that."

What bothers me most about the show is not that it's so
superficial, not that it objectifies men and women, not that
Rachel Hunter doesn't take the trouble to wear a swimsuit. What
bothers me most is that the body image being promoted,
particularly for women, is so out of step with reality. If I
needed to raise money quickly, I'd take segments of the show and
broadcast them in Kuwait and Saudi Arabia, imploring people to
help feed the starving babes of America. "Just $500 a month will
provide a "hot" American woman with enough food to regain the
other half of her body."

Since when did the word "sexy" apply only to skinny women? Last
time I checked, millions of men around the world were getting
turned on by wives and girlfriends who, even on the coldest of
days, couldn't warm themselves inside their toasters.

Some women, of course, are naturally thin -- and that's just
fine. But to impose one beauty ideal on all women only
encourages eating disorders and other problems. Instead of
looking in the mirror and asking themselves "Am I hot or what?",
too many women turn to their husbands and ask a potentially
marriage-ending question: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Imagine if the amply-proportioned and oh-so-sexy Mariah Carey
appeared on the ABC show.

Lorenzo: "Turn around, Mariah. Ah, just as I thought. You're
carrying some extra baggage. Sorry, that just won't fly on this
airline."

Mariah: "No problem, pretty boy, because I just bought my own
airline. It's called Air Reality. You should try it sometime."

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
http://MelvinDurai.com

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist, and occasional
stand-up comedian. Born in India and raised in Zambia, he has
lived in the U.S. since 1982. Through the Internet, his column

is read by thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

The above column may be reprinted in other newsletters or shared
with friends, discussion groups, and joke lists, as long as the
subscription and copyright information is included.

----------------------------------
TO SUBSCRIBE: Send a blank email to

"join-Fun...@relay.netatlantic.com"

or go to "http://MelvinDurai.com/sub.htm".

[Bill McCray]

AFTER THE MARRIAGE

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When
they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her
mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic ..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we
returned Sam started using the most horrible language ... things
I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please,
mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could
be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell
your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama ... words like DUST,
WASH, IRON, COOK!"

[Bill McCray]

THE BARE TRUTH ABOUT GOLDILOCKS

We all know the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears: How
Goldilocks entered the Bears' house, ate their food, broke their
furniture, and fell asleep. When the Bears got home, she jumped
out the window. But what happened to Goldilocks afterward no one
knew.

Now, after the usual careful research, I can reveal the startling
denouement. Papa Bear called the police, who combed the area
with tracker dogs. Goldilocks had taken refuge in another
woodland cottage, and when police arrived she tried to pass
herself off as the housekeeper, a Ms. S. White.

However, the owners of the cottage, seven height-disadvantaged
people, returned from work just then, unmasked her as an
impostor, and discovered the real Ms. White bound and gagged in a
closet.

Goldilocks was arrested and charged with breaking and entering
and destruction of property. But in a dramatic turnabout she
sued the Bears, claiming she suffered emotional trauma from
eating porridge that was "too hot" and had injured her back in
the Bears' dangerously insubstantial furniture. She also sued
the Quaker Oats Company for failing to put warning labels on
their oatmeal boxes and the Rustic Furniture Company for building
a weak chair.

Papa Bear called Goldilocks's charges "a sensational fairy tale"
intended to distract from her crimes and disrupt his happy
family.

However, in an exclusive interview with National Obscurer
magazine, Baby Bear said that all in the Bear family was not
"just right". He claimed Papa was overbearing and abusive and
said Goldilocks may have been lured to the Bear dwelling by Papa,
who was sick of living on porridge and wanted to get his teeth
into something more substantial.

Papa called Baby's story "an improbable fantasy," adding that
they'd obviously allowed Baby to watch too much TV. Meanwhile,
an unnamed source close to Goldilocks implied the Bears' house
was not the first place Goldilocks had "slept around."

At her trial Goldilocks was acquitted when the jury couldn't
agree
on whether she had broken in or was enticed to enter the Bears'
bungalow. A disgruntled prosecutor remarked that several men on
the jury "seemed more interested in Goldilocks's smile than the
evidence."

Indeed, Goldilocks parlayed that sweet smile and her innocent
good looks into a lucrative contract with No Excuses jeans and a
career in movies. Sadly, after several starring roles, drugs and
alcohol abuse took their toll and the offers dried up. But after
treatment at a rehab clinic she wrote a book, "Goldilocks Comes
Clean," in which she recounted her troubles and explained the
incident at the Bears' house as "a youthful adventure gone
wrong."

Her book received considerable publicity, and eventually the
aging, though still attractive, Goldilocks went on to publish
several best-selling diet and exercise books, eventually becoming
host of a popular afternoon talk show.

The Goldilocks case marked the beginning of a long slide for Baby
Bear. Estranged from his parents, he lived on the streets and
joined a street gang, the Fangs. As part of an initiation rite,
Baby attacked the Grub family. But a passing police car
interrupted the assault and in the ensuing melee Baby was shot
with a tranquilizer gun and woke up tagged and behind bars.

Baby found prison too hard and became unpredictable and rambling.
Finally paroled, he ended up a deranged alley-dweller, where he
froze to death one winter after being ignored by passers-by who
thought he was just hibernating.

Mama Bear divorced Papa two years after the Goldilocks' case,
citing irreconcilable differences. She moved to Arizona and
remarried, raising two new cubs and volunteering for school
groups and local charities. The only uncomfortable reminder of
her previous life occurred when she ran into Goldilocks at a
bookstore where Goldilocks was signing autographs. Despite
embarrassment they chatted for several minutes, and Goldilocks
left Mama with copy of her latest book, "Goldilocks and the Three
Beans Diet."

Papa Bear believed he had failed his family and became
increasingly withdrawn, a factor contributing to his divorce.
Then an altercation with a hunter ended with the hunter receiving
a gunshot wound to the foot. The hunter sued, claiming Papa Bear
assaulted him.

Papa countered that the hunter had been about to shoot him. But
the hunter won a settlement of several million dollars. Papa
couldn't pay, slid into debt, and saw his cottage foreclosed by
the bank.

He moved to a remote town in Alaska, where he was welcomed as
something of a celebrity. He became a salmon fisherman and solid
citizen, serving two terms as mayor and later winning election to
the state senate on a law-and-order platform.

Along with Goldilocks and Mama Bear, he will receive royalties
from the forthcoming BBC Masterpiece Theatre series, Goldilocks
and the Three Bears: An American Tragedy.

[Bill McCray]

GOOD ADVICE

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice.

"Rabbi, tell me, is proper for one man to profit from another
man's mistakes?"

"No, Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes"
answered the rabbi.

"Are you sure, Rabbi?"

"Of course, I'm sure; in fact I'm positive," exclaimed the Rabbi.

"Okay, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two
hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

[Bill McCray]

PROOF POSITIVE

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked
down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the
little man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the
man.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and
went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired
and I had to get a new one.

So I went to the registration office and got in another line.
And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line
for my card."

"And?" asked the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' -- So I
stabbed him!"

[Bill McCray]

THE PAIR

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to
turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over
with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were
collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stopped by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to
make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stopped by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it was like a completely different place
-- the farm house was completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there was plenty of cattle and other livestock happily
munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled
with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher said. "Look what God and you have
accomplished together!"

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"

[Bill McCray]

PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
to find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable,
regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses, which demands that the
greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work
that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about
forever.

The Procrastinator's Society
(if they ever get it organized.)

[Bill McCray]

Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local
fire hall. Before each student could leave, the fire chief
quizzed him. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do
if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

[Bill McCray]

JULY, n. the month when mothers realize why school teachers need
that long summer vacation

[Bill McCray]

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company
the other day. It said, "You have been connected to the correct
department on the first try. This is against company policy.
Please hang up and redial."

[Bill McCray]

One example of how the meaning of some expressions has changed:
The local newspaper announcement of the 1899 wedding of my
grand-aunt to her husband states that the wedding was consummated
in the church. My, how times have changed!

[Bill McCray]

REASONS FOR BREAKING UP -- BY PROFESSION

ANATOMISTS: "I never liked your body anyway."

ARCHAEOLOGISTS: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the
other of trying to dig it up.

BIOLOGISTS: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

BUSINESS COUPLE: Both decide that they're spending way too much
money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ECONOMISTS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

GEOGRAPHERS: Both people decide to simply move far away to
avoid each other.

HISTORIANS: Each party argues the breakup was caused by
something the other party did in the past.

JOURNALISTS: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill,
18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks ..."

PHYSICISTS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up
must come down.

PSYCHOLOGISTS: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a
substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGISTS: Each claims to have been oppressed in the
relationship.

ACTORS: "OH! Life is ... ENDED ... as we KNOW it!"

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

[Bill McCray]

A WOMAN'S DREAM -- I WISH I WERE A BEAR!

I wish I were a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep
for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them, too.

You get to have all the sex you want before you hibernate, sleep
during the birth of the cubs, and not have any stretch marks.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects
you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. And he finds that
sexy.

I wish I were a bear.

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

You are receiving this weekly humor column because a kind soul
forwarded it to you.

To subscribe, please see instructions at the bottom.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

For links, photos and comments, please read this column at
"http://www.Nshima.com", where it was first posted.

=========================

THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI

=========================

GIVING A BOOST TO DONALD TRUMP
"<http://nshima.com/2015/09/23/mexican-americans-donald-trump/>"

It was a curious sight, three Mexican-American men standing
outside the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C., all
wearing business suits and sombreros. Jose Rivera, the leader of
the group, kept glancing at his watch, while Gabriel Santos and
Miguel Avila looked at their phones.

"Are you sure no one else is coming?" Rivera asked.

"Positive," Santos said.

"Okay, let's display the banner and try to look enthusiastic. We
may get attention from the media."

They unfurled a large banner and held it up for all visitors to
the Capitol to see: "Mexican-Americans for Donald Trump!"

"Do you think we should chant something?" Avila asked.

"No, this is enough," Rivera said. "I just wish we had more
people here. Wasn't your brother supposed to come, Miguel?"

"Yes, he was going to come, but then he heard what Mr. Trump said
about us."

"What did Mr. Trump say?" Santos asked.

"He said some of us are good people," Rivera said.

Avila shook his head. "I wish that's all he said. Let me bring
it up on my phone. Here's what he said: 'When Mexico sends its
people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people
that have lots of problems and they're bringing those problems
with them. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime.
They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."

Santos chuckled. "So that's why."

"That's why what?" Rivera asked.

"That's why I couldn't get any of my friends to come to this
rally. I sent an invitation yesterday to all 200 of my Facebook
friends, and by the end of the day, all but one had unfriended
me. And she sent me a message saying, 'Are you feeling okay, my
son? Maybe you need to see a doctor.'"

"Your dad unfriended you too, huh?" Avila asked.

"My dad is really upset. He's threatening to take me off his
will. I tried to tell him why I'm doing it, but he wouldn't
listen."

"It's tough to convince people," Rivera said, "but we shouldn't
give up."

"I've got an idea, boss," Avila said. "Maybe we should buy a few
mannequins. We can get brown ones that look like Mexicans."

Rivera shook his head. "We already tried that in Texas. We had
five mannequins. It worked for a while, until the damn CNN
reporter decided to ask one of them a question. I tried to tell
him that they don't speak English, but then he asked them a
question in Spanish and they had the same blank look."

Santos smiled. "You've gotta be careful. Mr. Trump will say
that we're all dummies."

"That's enough, Gabriel, you'd better hush now," Rivera said.
"We're starting to get some attention."

A group of tourists had stopped to take photos of the men. One
woman, visiting from Winnipeg, Canada, even took a selfie. "I
knew we'd see some amazing sights in D.C.," she whispered to her
husband, "but I never thought we'd see an endangered species. I
heard that there are fewer than 100 of them in the entire United
States."

The media soon heard about the rally and before long the three
men were surrounded by 3,000 reporters and photographers. CNN
sent a helicopter up to give viewers an aerial view of the
spectacle. "An incredible sight in Washington, D.C., this
morning," Wolf Blitzer told viewers. "Mexican-Americans
supporting Donald Trump. This gives a real boost to his
presidential campaign."

Rivera answered dozens of questions from reporters, including one
from CNN national correspondent Suzanne Malveaux : "After all
Donald Trump has said about Mexicans, how can you still support
him?"

"He's going to create millions of jobs and make the economy
great," Rivera said. "He's going to make sure every American has
a good job, nice house, and great hair like his."

"But he wants to build a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border,"
Malveaux said.

"Yes, that's true," Rivera said. "But whom do you think he's
going to hire to build that wall?"

When the rally finally ended, almost two hours later, the men
rolled up their banner, doffed their sombreros and strode down
Maryland Avenue, past the U.S. Botanic Garden. As they turned
onto 3rd Street, Rivera took a wad of cash out of his pocket and
handed $500 to each man. "Good job, guys," he said. "Mr. Trump
says he'll pay us a little more next time."

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[Bill McCray]

Linda and Jill were having coffee when Linda noticed that Jill
seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You
look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in
the stock market," Jill explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're
feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He's sure going to miss me."

[Bill McCray]

You Know It's Time To Diet When you are diagnosed with the
flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to
live.

[Bill McCray]

You can't be diagnosed as drunk if you can lie on the floor
without holding on to it.

[Bill McCray]

The problem with too many people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.

[Bill McCray]

THE DARNDEST THING!

Out in the midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation
and without warning.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the
foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen
sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house
left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but
unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to
herself.

"It was the darndest thing. It was the darndest thing," she kept
repeating. "That was the darndest thing."

"Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was
pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly just drained
away."

[Bill McCray]

A LOVING GOLFER

A husband and wife were playing golf on the ninth green when she
collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need some help" she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get help". A little while
later he returned, picked up his club, and began to line up his
shot on the green.

His wife, still on the ground, raised up her head and asked "I
may be dying, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said
he would come and help."

"The second hole?" she replied. "When is he coming?"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his
putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[Bill McCray]

They found out I was dyslexic as a teenager when I started taking
an unhealthy interest in grills

[Bill McCray]

Pet Owner : Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the
corner.

Vet: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer

[Bill McCray]

RE: VERSE

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye Have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

[Bill McCray]

WRONG ASSUMPTION

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was
holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said,
"Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she
said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I
just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower
curtain."

[Bill McCray]

THE PASSING OF AN ERA

Lenin was dying and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor.

"The one worry I have," said Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, Comrade Stalin?"

"They will," said Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," said Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," said Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

[Bill McCray]

QUICK TOUR

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it
was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in
1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In
Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544,
completed 1618.

"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only
took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah!
What's that over there?"

"Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday."

[Bill McCray]

Wal-Mart JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy
submitted to a

Wal-Mart in Florida. They hired him because he was so honest and

funny!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz- style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be,

"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb sexy blonde supermodel
who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Bill McCray]

As Saddam Hussein prepared for war with the U.S., he was trying
to paint an optimistic picture to his people: "I'm excited,
folks. Things here are really about to explode."

[Bill McCray]

The National Governors Association convened in Washington on
Friday. They met at the Shoreham Hotel. The most popular drink
at the hotel bar is called Lilac Crazy because that's what
politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.

[Bill McCray]

You know what the Pentagon is? It's the big building in
Washington that has five sides - on almost every issue.

[Bill McCray]

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They
say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be
all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble.

[Bill McCray]

Los Angeles was named by the U.S. government Saturday as the next
likely target of a chemical attack. It's no secret. People in
Los Angeles have long known that the right combination of
silicone and peroxide can wipe out any man's bank account.

[Bill McCray]

Why is a shoemaker like a minister?
Because the both try to save soles.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a cantaloupe?
A melon-collie baby.

Why wouldn't the dog go into a yard?
Because it had four feet.

What happened to the boy who drank eight Cokes?
He burped 7 Up.

What kind of cake should you serve to chicken?
Layer cake.

What's the difference between "unlawful" and "illegal"?
"Unlawful" means "against the law"; an illegal is a sick bird.

What did Samson die of?
Fallen Arches.

How are a bad boy and a canoe alike?
They both get paddled.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

Why does a lobster never share?
Because it's shellfish!

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on a head and I'll just hang around!

[Bill McCray]

What did the apple say to the apple pie?
"You've got some crust."

What do you get when you cross a spider with a rabbit?
A hare net.

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What sort of band doesn't make music?
A rubber band.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look really silly with glove compartments.

What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat?
A hootenanny.

How do you know if a soda is any good?
A little swallow tells you.

What would you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

What did the plumber say to his noisy neighbor?
"Pipe down!"

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out.

If two wrongs don't make a right, what did two rights make?
An airplane.

Why did the traffic light turn red?
If you had to change in front of all those people, you'd turn
red too.

[Bill McCray]

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue!

What do you call a toy phone?
A phony.

Why was the snowman so popular?
Because he was cool.

What is a plumber's favorite kind of shoes?
Clogs.

How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet?
They both run.

How do you make an eggroll?
Push it.

What do you call a train that likes to dance?
A tutu train.

What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs!

What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
De-composing!

What is the term for dogs marking their territory?
P-mail.

What did the stamp say to the birthday card?
"I'm stuck on you."

[Bill McCray]

There is a student who wears glasses in math class because it
improves division.

[Bill McCray]

After working 24 hours you should call it a day.

[Bill McCray]

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a dog."

Doctor: "Lie down on the couch."

Patient: "I'm not allowed on the furniture."

[Bill McCray]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep hearing music!

Doctor: Give me your hat.

The doctor fiddled with the hat and returned it.

Patient: You've done it! I don't hear the music anymore, what
did you do?

Doctor: I just took out the band.

[Bill McCray]

A king measures his line with a ruler.

[Bill McCray]

She was so blonde that she took a ruler to bed to see how long
she slept.

[Bill McCray]

I'm unemployed due to an eyesight problem. I can't see myself
doing any work.

[Bill McCray]

I bought a circus and got a fair deal. I ran into problems right
away: the truck driver refused to tow the lion; the lion ate a
clown but it tasted funny; and there was a huge fire and the heat
was in tents. The human cannonball got fired. It was hard to
find another of the same caliber.