Humor from the Net

Bill McCray

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Mar 28, 2015, 8:08:53 AM3/28/15

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A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

Bill McCray

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Mar 28, 2015, 7:20:35 PM3/28/15

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The mining company had problems when a piano fell down a mine shaft
causing a flat minor.

Bill McCray

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Mar 29, 2015, 8:08:07 PM3/29/15

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I got caught stealing rubbers and they treated me like a condom
criminal.

Bill McCray

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Mar 30, 2015, 9:54:25 PM3/30/15

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I was eating breakfast this morning when suddenly my cereal box burst
into flames. I quickly put the fire out and then noticed the fine
print on the charred box top. "Some acetylene may have occurred in
shipment."

Bill McCray

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Mar 31, 2015, 8:58:31 PM3/31/15

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It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her
age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the
wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times,
but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her down.
Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and
found her stuffing rocks into her pocket. "I thought you were
cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are
you doing?"

The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."

Bill McCray

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Apr 1, 2015, 9:35:52 PM4/1/15

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As we all know, silk comes from silk worms, and no amount of
experiment had been successful in industrializing the production of
silk - until Harvey came along that is. He came up with an ingenious
new method and machine. Politicians and leaders - especially from
China and India - were up in arms and naturalists from all over the
globe were happily lending their voice to create a movement against
Harvey's product. Harvey came up with a masterstroke and silenced
them all with his single new slogan, "Don't Decry Over Milled Silk."

Bill McCray

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Apr 2, 2015, 9:57:50 PM4/2/15

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The Iranians and the Kurds were having it out again, warring. The
Kurds were advancing pretty rapidly, and the Iranians wanted to know
how to stop them. They consulted their imam, who asked how many
Kurds there were. When told that there were 750,000 Kurds on the
front, the imam said to amass 375,000 bones and erect a shrine to
Allah with them; that that would stop the Kurds dead in their tracks
-- paralyze them, in fact. When asked why, he replied, "that way, we
still two Kurds with one bone."

Bill McCray

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Apr 3, 2015, 9:53:13 PM4/3/15

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There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived
in a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father
had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his
passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased
amphibious tires for his car and, when her father was asleep,
speedily carried her off.

Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.

Bill McCray

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Apr 4, 2015, 8:36:47 PM4/4/15

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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible
record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something
of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his
predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred
times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him
fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a
similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason
for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate
didn't agree with me."

Bill McCray

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Apr 5, 2015, 10:24:04 PM4/5/15

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When the police were called one night to arrest a group of mimes
giving a hotfoot to any man found sleeping on a bench in New York's
Central Park, the officer in charge explained to a new recruit,
"These are the mimes that fry men's soles."