Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash trays for Mother's Day.

[Bill McCray]

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college.
With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

[Bill McCray]

NINE LITTLE HINTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE BOUGHT A LEMON

1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct-dial button labeled "Moe's Towing Company."

3. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

6. You get a sympathy cards from three of the previous owners.

7. When you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

8. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.
9. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

[Bill McCray]

DOG LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a "bad dog?"

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Do you let mailmen into Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did?

* * * *

Cat Letter to God

Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't really care.

[Bill McCray]

A teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of compasses, protractor, and straight edge. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

[Bill McCray]

Congress has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.

[Bill McCray]

Twenty dairy cows fell off a cliff in Northern California. What's amazing is that only two perished. Police say this could have been an udder disaster.

[Bill McCray]

An Unfinished Life says Jack Kennedy took speed, testosterone, cortisone, and codeine in the White House. He also had lots of women. Jack Kennedy did everything possible to show young people that you don't have to drink in order to have a good time.

[Bill McCray]

Sunday is Mother's Day. Mom will greet you at the door with those three little words you've come to expect from her: "Stand up straight."

[Bill McCray]

Disney is revamping its top brass. The CEO is reportedly unhappy with theme park maintenance. The only thing broke at Disney World should be the guest on his or her way home.

[Bill McCray]

A new virus has shown up in Southern California. Doctors say the symptoms are lethargy and loss of coordination. Health teams will check out the elderly, the poor, and the Dodgers.

[Bill McCray]

Fires east of L.A. have inundated the metro area with smoke. Its effect on the community is abnormally widespread. This time of year the only choking sounds normally come from Dodger Stadium.

[Bill McCray]

JEST FOR KIDS, Part 1

How did the clock feel when no one wound it up?
Run down.

What is a small laugh in the Native American language?
A Minnehaha.

What’s faster: heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.

What did the duck say when the waitress came with the check?
Put it on my bill!

How was the blind carpenter able to see?
He picked up his hammer and saw.

What did the big watch hand say to the small hand?
Got a minute?

What does it take to get a good deal on a freezer?
Cold cash.

Why did the teacher wear dark glasses?
Because she had such a bright class!

Why don't bats live alone?
They like to hang around with their friends.

Where should you go to buy a dog leash made of metal?
To a chain store.

[Bill McCray]

JEST FOR KIDS, Part 2

What did the window say to the door?
What are you squeaking about, I'm the one with the pane!

Where are used dromedaries sold in Saudi Arabia?
At a camel lot.

Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store!

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!

What did the girl do after she drank eight sodas?
She burped 7 UP!

Why did the astronomer order a double hamburger?
He wanted a meteor sandwich.

Where do you put a barking dog?
In a barking lot!

What does a broom do when it's tired?
It goes to sweep!

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

[Bill McCray]

JEST FOR KIDS, Part 3

What do you get when you cross a road with a bike?
To the other side.

Why did the dog walk around in two circles before lying down?
Because one good turn deserves another.

What did the sloppy diner say when the check arrived?
This meal is on me.

What does a dentist call his x-rays?
Tooth pics.

Can April March?
No, but June May.

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

How do fish travel to work?
In carp pools.

How do you know that army sergeants have a lot of headaches?
Because they always yell, "Tension!"

What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
One is hard to get up and the other is hard to get down.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty!

[Bill McCray]

JEST FOR KIDS, Part 4

Where was King Solomon's temple?
Above his ear.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!

What vegetable should never taken aboard ship?
A leek.

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Da tame way.

Where do you go to replace a missing chess piece?
The Pawn Shop.

Two foxes chasing four rabbits decided to split hares.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

"Waiter, there's a twig in my soup."
"Sorry; just give me a minute and I'll call the branch manager."

[Bill McCray]

RIDDLES, Part 1

The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art recently had an exhibit by the 1930's artist Juan Pinyon. Pinyon's rather eclectic work consisted of a celebration of the machine age and modern manufacturing and showed small paintings and photographs of American workers and factories and industrial processes framed in cogs and, most appropriately, pinions. The title of his exhibit echoed an old admonition. What was it?
Little pictures have big gears.

[Bill McCray]

RIDDLES, Part 2

Tabitha's mother's sister was into witchcraft. Every so often the witches in her group would meet on public green space and hold a meeting. Tabitha, who held to Judeo-Christian beliefs and was a punster, referred to this place as a similar sounding holy article in the Old Testament. She called this place what?
"The Park of the Coven Aunt".

[Bill McCray]

RIDDLES, Part 3

A burglar was attempting to drill the lock out of a wall safe but he overshot. The drill bit went through the wall and burst a water pipe. The inside of the safe filled with water the resulting gush of water soaked and shorted out his drill. So even though he didn't get away with any loot, he had broken one of the ten commandments. What had he done?
"Bore vault's wetness"

[Bill McCray]

RIDDLES, Part 4

What do you call a faux emerald shaped like a clover?
A sham-rock.

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

Who originated the five-day work week?
Robinson Crusoe was able to get all his work done by Friday.

What former world ruler was a proponent of Daylight Savings Time?
German Chancellor Konrad Add an hour (Adenauer).

Why do skunks show up at the voting place on Election Day?
They are poll cats?

What do you call it when a person has a strong compulsion to "explode"
every word or phrase he sees or hears into a pun?
Punnel fission.

[Bill McCray]

From the Comics, Part 1

"And in Washington it's very muggy - 99 degrees and 99% humidity."
"Democrats and Republicans are sticking together"
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

The good old days, when we lived in a fuel's paradise.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Garage mechanic: "Your timing is off."
Shoe in his car: "How do you know?"
Mechanic: "We’re closed."
(Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)

[Bill McCray]

From the Comics, Part 2

A dollar's worth of steak is a mouthful.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Fatal, Lethal, Mortal, Pestilent, Deadly, Pernicious, Mortiferous: The Seven Deadly Synonyms.
(Speed Bumps: Dave Coverly)

"How was your day?"
"It sucked."
"Certainly you can find a more mature description."
"OK, I vacuumed the house."
(Adam: Brian Basset)

[Bill McCray]

From the Comics, Part 3

"I’ve been writing check after check after check" said a young girl with a paper full of checkmarks.
(Family Circle: Bill Keane)

One basketball player was sitting with one foot gone. Another was reading from a spray can: "What did you think would happen? It says right here on the can, 'Eliminates athlete’s foot.'"
(In the Bleachers: Steve Moore)

If nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, you’re not living in a condo.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

[Bill McCray]

ONE-LINERS, Part 1

First impressions are often lasting; especially if they're made by a car bumper.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

When an unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

The delicatessen never was robbed because it had a lot of lox.

Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

[Bill McCray]

ONE-LINERS, Part 2

Susie is dating two different guys - both named Ed. Susie says that two Eds are better than one.

Writers are, at present, tense, though their lives are punctuated by
many good periods.

I was going to tell a joke about these two ancient gods, but that's
neither Hera nor Thor.

Gun control is the subject of a loud report.

Horses eat best when they don't have a bit in their mouth.

[Bill McCray]

ONE-LINERS, Part 3

As the twilight encroached on the ship, a knowing-looking Irish traveler said, "Them's nice pigeons."
I corrected him, "They're gulls."
"Well," he replied, "boys or gulls, them's nice pigeons."

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

The retired golfer has a miniature golf course encircling his domicile. All day long he putters around the house.

A disgruntled customer changed the pet store sign to read, "Buy one, get one flea!"

[Bill McCray]

ONE-LINERS, Part 4

The cowboy reached for his gun and then drew a blank.

Two robbers went golfing but didn't play the fairway. They had bad fore sight.

Oranges can be a-peeling, but if you look for them on an apple tree,
you'll have a fruitless search.

One of Wrigley's best chewing gums resulted from a simple spearamint.

Roll down this hill — if you are so inclined.

[Bill McCray]

ONE-LINERS, Part 5

The mushroom is a vegetable of high morel standing.

Mice are nearly poverty stricken 'cause they just squeak by living a hand-to-mouse existence in a hole in the wall.

An unusual medical book is one which has no appendix.

Pirates sometime have wooden legs, which is their leg-a-sea.

The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone.

[Bill McCray]

[I've just moved from my old PC to a new Mac Mini. It's taken me some time to figure out how this new beast works. I think I finally got HFTN out yesterday for the first time. Below is from yesterday.]

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.

My ex-husband was temperamental, 90% temper and 10% mental.

I wish there was a setting on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a setting called brightness, but it doesn't work.

In 1920 The first corn auction was conducted, producing the first auction ears in the bidness.

[Bill McCray]

I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bisacksual."

[Bill McCray]

Did you ever notice how life seems to go faster and faster all the time? It's directly attributable to our vast population. Of course, everyone knows that the more people there are, the less food there is (on average) for each person. If you want to eat and eat well in the future you must be very very good at your job or you must dole out your small amounts of food daily. As long as the Earth has so many people the future will only see more and more "excel or ration."

[Bill McCray]

I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters. One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply." I told them there are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there were ads for ... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."

[Bill McCray]

I was lying on the examination table, and the doc had a stethoscope on my chest. He was moving it around, telling me to breathe in and out. He had a puzzled look on his face. I said, "Well, Doc, how do I stand?"

He shook his head and said, "Give me a minute. That's what I'm trying to figure out."

[Bill McCray]

A Mexican visiting the United States went into a store to buy a pair of socks. He spoke no English, and the clerk didn't know a word of Spanish. Through pantomime, the Mexican tried to explain what he needed, but without much success. The clerk brought out shoes, then tried sneakers, then slippers, then laces -- all to no avail. Finally, he brought out a pair of socks, and the Mexican exclaimed "Eso si que es!" The exasperated clerk said, "Well, for crying out loud. If you could spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

[Bill McCray]

"I just invented a new car that has a coffeemaker built right into the dashboard. It makes driving in the morning rush hour a lot easier."

"Why is that?"

"You can perk the car anywhere."

[Bill McCray]

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant. During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns, and a cheese danish. "Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing coworker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, that's just what the doctor ordered!"

[Bill McCray]

The math professor's auditorium was poorly heated, leaving him cold and calculating. He started to use strange expressions. There were many problems. Things didn't add up. He became nonplussed. He decided to put on his eyeglasses because he realized that it improved division. He started to go from negative to positive. Finally he went home and enjoyed the aftermath.