Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES:

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MOUNTIES CHARGE TRUDEAU'S EX-WIFE

"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3.00
and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the
fee will be $1.50."

6 FOUND SLAIN IN MIAMI; MISSING TODDLER SOUGHT

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES:

"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump."

QUIZ VICTIM IN FATAL SHOOTING

Announcer Ed Herithy blooped: "Another delicious combination for
these hot days, also by Kraft, is a chilled grease sandwich and a
choke!"

PROGRESS SLOW IN BEATING DEATH

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

[Bill McCray]

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES:

"On the first day of my new afternoon show, I couldn't wait to see
who our first sponsor was. It turned out to be a well-known
laxative. I eagerly said, 'Well ... we're off and running."

KHRUSCHCHEV IS BURIED IN ENCYCLOPEDIA

During a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked, "This is a very
difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches between the
balls."

[Bill McCray]

Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund or is
that stretching it a bit?

[Bill McCray]

In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all
kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts. Satan created Ben and Jerry's and
Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And
man said "Yeah." and woman said, "And another one with sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went
from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and
woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man
gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman
laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained
pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
and man replied, "Yeah! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is
good." and man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

[Bill McCray]

THE DEBATE

Morris had a business appointment and arrived a little early. The
receptionist pointed to a comfortable easy chair and asked him to be
seated for a short while.

Morris settled down, picked up a glossy magazine from the glass-
topped table, opened it, and tried to read. However, he found that
he couldn't concentrate because he was distracted by a rumpus coming
from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area.

Morris went over to the receptionist and asked "What's going on in
there?"

She replied "It's a partners' meeting."

"But why are they shouting at each other?" Morris asked.

"It's the usual battle of wits," she replied.

Morris asked: "Who is in there?"

"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabinowits, and Abramowits."

[Bill McCray]

A man hated his wife's cat and he to get rid of it. He drove twenty
blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already
walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat forty blocks away but the
same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on
getting home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, turn left,
go past the bridge, turn right again and so on until he reached what
he thought was a perfect spot. There he dropped the cat.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is
the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that damned cat on the phone, I'm lost
and I need directions."

[Bill McCray]

I recently picked a new primary-care doctor. After two visits
and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for
my age. (I just turned 73).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard
liquor?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much ... my former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of
sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?"

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
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THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

NEVER TOO OLD TO IMPRESS A YOUNG FAN
http://nshima.com/2015/02/23/beatles/

My 8-year-old son, Rahul, can't get enough of the Beatles. He
never tires of listening to their music, much to the dismay of
his 11-year-old sister, Divya.

She groans whenever he plays "Hey Jude", "Let it be", or another
of their many hits from the 60s and 70s on our car stereo or
other device. "Not the Beatles again," she says, covering her
ears as though he's playing a recording of four screeching bugs
from England.

She'd rather listen to Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, or just about
any artist born in the cellphone era. Instead, Rahul keeps
taking her to the rotary-phone era, when the Beatles produced
dozens of songs that are as soothing to Divya's ears as the
sounds she hears whenever her father, also from the rotary-phone
era, vacuums the carpet.

But try as she might, she can't curb her brother's enthusiasm for
the Beatles. If he isn't listening to their music, he's reading
about them or playing one of their tunes on his guitar. He has
even talked to his friends in school about them.

Rahul: "Hey, Mike, what's your favorite Beatles song?"

Mike: "Beatles? Who are they?"

Rahul: "You've never heard of the Beatles? They're the Fab Four
from the 60s."

Mike: "1960s? Is this going to be on our next test? I hate
studying about ancient history!"

Rahul was thrilled to see his favorite Beatle, 72-year-old Paul
McCartney, among the spectators at the Super Bowl -- and even
more thrilled to see the legendary musician performing at the
Grammy Awards.

"Paul McCartney goes to everything!" he proclaimed.

"Not everything," I said, just in case he was entertaining
thoughts of inviting McCartney to his 9th birthday party. (If
McCartney showed up, we wouldn't need any other guests. Rahul
would be on cloud nine until his 10th birthday.)

Rahul has been begging us to take him to a McCartney concert.
There's no other concert he'd rather attend, not John Legend, not
Bruno Mars, not Beck. McCartney is the only Legend he'd travel
to Mars and Beck to see.

The 8-year-old's fandom is a testament not only to the enduring
appeal of the Beatles, but also the staying power of McCartney.
He's not just a musical genius -- he's a musical genius blessed
with the energy and stamina of a 22-year-old. Okay, perhaps not
a 22-year-old, but definitely a 32-year-old. (His wife is 53,
but that's no big deal. Lots of guys are marrying older women
these days.)

McCartney's "Out There" concert tour, which began in May 2013 in
Brazil and ends this April in Japan, has shown just how popular
he remains "out there." He has performed at 63 sold-out shows in
11 countries during the tour, entertaining about 2 million
people. That's almost an entire high-rise building in Mumbai.

While many stars of yesteryear fade into obscurity as they age,
McCartney has not just remained in the limelight, he has elevated
his lofty stature (if that's even possible) by continuing to
produce and perform music in his own dignified manner. It's the
same dignity that former boxing champ Mike Tyson has shown in his
forties, still intent on biting ears, but moving wisely from
Evander Holyfield to corn on the cob.

Over the last decade, McCartney has performed at Buckingham
Palace, the White House, and Moscow's Red Square, among many
other venues. He has sung "Michelle" for Mrs. Obama, "Come
Together" for Bill and Hillary Clinton, and "Think for Yourself"
for George W. Bush.

Just as he did with Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Johnny Cash,
and others, McCartney continues to collaborate with his fellow
singers, no matter their age. At the Grammys, he joined Kanye
West, 37, and Rihanna, 26, to perform "FourFiveSeconds,"
strumming his guitar with flair, while they did the singing.

"Who's that old guy performing with Rihanna and Kanye?" some
young fans tweeted while watching the Grammys.

"The greatest musician alive," my 8-year-old would have tweeted
back -- if only he had a Twitter account.

"Not him again," my 11-year-old would have tweeted -- and that's
why she doesn't have one.

---------------------------------------------------------- (c)
Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

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Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
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[Bill McCray]

"Don't marry a beautiful person, who is likely to leave you. Of
course, an ugly person may leave you too. But, then, who cares?"