Humor from the Net

[Bill McCray]

Tim: Did you hear Apple launched "the new iPad"?

Jim: No, I didn't. What is it called?

Tim: "The new iPad."

Jim: Yes, the new iPad. What is it called?

Tim: "The new iPad!"

Jim: Exactly, I want to know what the new iPad is called!

Tim: It's "the new iPad."

Jim: Hold on. I walk into the Apple Store and I say, "Give me a
new iPad." What do they give me?

Tim: "The new iPad." Of course, you can also still buy an iPad 2.

Jim: If I'm already asking for one iPad, why would I ask for an
iPad too?

Tim: No, no, an iPad 2. It's the old one.

Jim: So, if I ask for a second iPad, they'd give me an old iPad?

Tim: No, it would be a new iPad 2.

Jim: So it's a new iPod.

Tim: No, it's a new iPod 2, not "the new iPod."

Jim: So, what do I ask for if I want to buy the new iPod?

Tim: "The new iPod."

Jim: Forget it! I'm buying Android!

[Bill McCray]

Even a mosquito does not get a slap on he back until he starts
working!

[Bill McCray]

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my
youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted
up to was.

I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he had counted.

"5,372," came the prompt reply.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"The sermon was over."

[Bill McCray]

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind.
And you're hampered by not having any.
The simplest way to solve the dilemma you'll find,
Is simply by flipping a penny.

No, not so that chance shall decide the affair;
As you're passively standing there moping.
But as soon as the penny is up in the air,
You'll suddenly know what you're hoping.
(By Piet Hein)

[Bill McCray]

Comparatively Speaking

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their
money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only
could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew
in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new
assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed
him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new
building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word,
and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his
family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but,
compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[Bill McCray]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from New York would be stupid enough to
try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. [Or maybe
a mirror image of the first one.]

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat all day watching waves go by.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury
duty.

[Bill McCray]

A grocer put up a sign that read, "Eggplants, 25 cents each - 3
for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming,
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four eggplants for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer would capitulate and package four eggplants.

The tailor next door watched this going on all day and finally
asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your
sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign, no
one ever bought more than one eggplant."

[Bill McCray]

Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?

Mother snake: Yes, son. Why?

Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!

[Bill McCray]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He
had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had
tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank, and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go
to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.
His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong with the tractor
when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and
breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and
tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company
would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he
could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather fed up with tractors after this and
vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the
cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a
beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were
streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she
said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with
tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking
in all the smoke. He then walked to the far window and blew all
the smoke out again! He went back into the bar where the air was
now clear and sweet and sat down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said. "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe, "I'm an extractor fan"

[Bill McCray]

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a
small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The
chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he
didn't have to be paid. One day, Smitty got a call from a
customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty
went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer
asked whether it would be hard to fix.

"No problem," replied Smitty. "I have a little duct ape that
will take care of it!"

[Bill McCray]

New Definitions

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of
money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

[Bill McCray]

"Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves
and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I
couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and
when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey,
and so on. What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replied the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

[Bill McCray]

Two Irishmen looking through a mail-order catalogue. Paddy said
"Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agreed "I'm ordering one right now."

Three weeks later Paddy said to Mick "Has your woman turned up
yet?"

"No" said Mick, "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her
clothes arrived yesterday!"

[Bill McCray]

(This is a true story.)

I Love Mustard.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on
a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in
anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked
it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my
side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my
sandwich" she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak
of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only
time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a
washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon."

[Bill McCray]

[I think I forgot HFTN last night. Sorry about that.]

Snow Storm

One winter morning during breakfast, a husband and wife in
northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have eight to ten inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street so that the snowplows can get through." So, the good wife
went out and moved her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so
that the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and
moved her car again.

The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." and then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face,
she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so that the snowplows can get
through?"

With love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Bill McCray]

[Just to avoid trouble, I want you to know that I am not the
author of this.]

Backseat Driver

My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving
what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst
backseat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though
she would deny it.

She, however, claims she seldom, if ever, makes comments about my
driving. I, of course, claim the opposite. And now I have
proof!

The other day, we were headed to the mall and my daughter piped
up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

[Bill McCray]

Kidney Stones

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke
me, complaining about severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the
emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we
knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse
informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a
kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like
me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey,
he's not that sick!"

[Bill McCray]

SMILES

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the
unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,
"Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and
thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding
it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week
unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel
Fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160
a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting
double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and
thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel
fitter.'"

[Bill McCray]

A surgeon went to return some books he had borrowed from the
library and the librarian checked the books. "Sir, all your
books are missing the last several pages."

The surgeon repliee, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix whenever I see one!"

[Bill McCray]

Fishing Mirror

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small
boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box
and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and
asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine
the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of
sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just
reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work"?

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you
$30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By
the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

[Bill McCray]

College Degree

The young single mom had to juggle two part-time jobs while
taking care of her children and going to college. With the help
of an espresso machine donated by a friend, she made it through
many long nights of study and long days of work and class.

At last, she earned her degree. She was graduated summa cum
latte.

[Bill McCray]

A couple's lawn mower was broken. The wife kept hinting to her
husband that he should get it repaired, but the message never
sank in. She finally thought of a way to make her point.

One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass
busily snipping away with a pair of scissors. He watched
silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He
returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush, and said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
sidewalk."

The doctors say he should be able to walk again, but always have
the limp.

[Bill McCray]

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they
came upon a great trout brook. They stayed there all day,
enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from
college soon, they vowed that they would meet in twenty years
at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where
they had been years before. They walked into the woods and
before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other,
"This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not!"

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on
the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by
its clover."

[Bill McCray]

Letter Home

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I
feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but
every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you
forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this
up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and
burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was
too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"

[Bill McCray]

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in
icy conditions should take:

* Shovel
* Blankets or sleeping bag
* Extra clothing including scarf, hat, and gloves
* 24 hours supply of food and drink
* De-icer
* 5 kgs of rock salt
* Flashlight or lantern with spare batteries
* Road flares and reflective triangles
* Tow rope
* 5-gallon gas can
* First aid kit
* Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

[Bill McCray]

A Tale of Woe

Three aspiring psychiatrists with undergraduate degrees from
different leading universities were attending their first class
on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the
student from the University of Kentucky, "what is the opposite
of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from
Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Duke. "How about
the opposite of woe?"

The Duke student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy
up!"

[Bill McCray]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
flight attendant. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight
attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and
stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's route, he noticed the flight attendant was
missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called
her, wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone,
crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Bill McCray]

Payback

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery
the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to
pull his hospital gown down enough so that he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was "Get well quick. From the
nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[Bill McCray]

Out Of Stock

A woman walked into a convenience store. She walked straight to
the manager and asked, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," said the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugged and asked, "Well, do you have any pens?"

"Nope, don't have them either," said the manager.

The woman felt her stomach rumbling and asked, "Do you have
Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugged, "Sorry. Don't have any of them."

"My Gosh!" the woman shouted, "If you don't have anything, you
should close the store!"

The manager shrugged, "I can't find the key."

[Bill McCray]

Doctor Visit

Man: Doctor, my leg keeps talkin' to me.

Doc: Don't be ridiculous!

Leg: Lend us five bucks!

Man: Told ya.

Leg: Can you spare a ten?

Doc: I can't believe this! Leg, can give me a twenty?

Leg: I'm all tapped out.

Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!

[Bill McCray]

Marathon Runner

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started
and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was
embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of
me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

"Yes," he replied.

So I dropped out of the race.

[Bill McCray]

Sad Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to the others, "Let's break the monotony of this
unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll
tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and
Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to
sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad
stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!

[Bill McCray]

Counting Sheep

A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had in his field, so he
asked his border collie to count them.

The dog ran into the field, counted them, and ran back to the
farmer.

The farmer said, "How many?"

The dog replied, "40."

The farmer was surprised and said, "How can there be 40 - I only
bought 38!"

The dog said, "I rounded them up."

[Bill McCray]

Star Player

There was a football game where big animals were playing against
little animals. The big animals were the crushing little animals
and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the
little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.
The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second
play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the
hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped.

[Bill McCray]

John and Clarence

John and Clarence lived across a river each other and didn't like
each other at all. They were yelling across the river at each
other all the time.

John would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross this river,
I'd come over there and beat you up good!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across
the river right there by their houses.

John's wife, Lena, said, "Now is you chance, John. Why don't you
go over there and beat up that Clarence like you said you would?"

John said, "Okay, think I will do just that." Ole started for
the bridge but he saw a sign on the bridge, stopped to read it,
turned around, and went back home.

Lena asked, "Why did you come back?"

John said, "Lena, I think I'll change my mind about beating up
that Clarence."

"Why" she wanted to know.

"Well, they put a sign on the bridge that says Clarence is 13 ft.
6 inches. You know, he don't look nearly that big when I yell at
him from across the river"

[Bill McCray]

Logical Thinking

A fifth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
developing logical thinking. "This is the scene," said the
teacher. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a
river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down
to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his
savings?"

[Bill McCray]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[Bill McCray]

Urban Myth about how Dylan was shown up at his local supermarket.

Dylan was shopping at the supermarket and noticed a beautiful
blonde coming down the aisle toward him. She waved and said
"Hello."

He was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to
him, and although her face was vaguely familiar, Dylan couldn't
place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you
know me?"

She replied, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the
father of one of my children."

Dylan's mind shot back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful. He asked "Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?
When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel
room you had gone."

"No," she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

[Bill McCray]

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the
family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he
thought God had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy. One for the
brake and one for the accelerator."

[Bill McCray]

Boyfriend v Husband Software

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. What I
have noticed is a slow down in the performance of the flower and
jewelry applications, which had operated flawlessly under the
Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as Sport 7.3, NFL 3.2, and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Your faithfully
Desperate Susan

---------------------------------------------

Reply from Tech Support

Dear Desperate Susan,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter
the command I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring
Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to
default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the
background and has been known to introduce viruses into the
Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You
might consider buying additional software to enhance his system
performance. I personally recommend Home Cooking 3.0 and Single
Malt Scotch 4.5. Finally consider applications such as Lingerie
6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his
hardware).

Good Luck
Tech Support

[Bill McCray]

Red, White & Taxed

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after
we pay them."

"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

[Bill McCray]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working
in the family business. When he found out he was going to
inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
needed to get married so he could share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to
her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will
inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Bill McCray]

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become
comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the
tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, and went to
the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any
magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and
the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on
a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of
the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street
clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been
lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you
go home and take a long hot bath?"

[Bill McCray]

Survival Strategy

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days
and outnumber them?"

[Bill McCray]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the
policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a
bicycle."

[snow...@sdf.org]

LOL this one made laff so hard XD

--
snow...@sdf.org
SDF Public Access UNIX System - http://sdf.org

[Bill McCray]

Painting Problems

Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway. The
first day, he painted ten miles of road. The second day, he only
painted seven miles. The third day he managed only two miles.
His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a
day off, thinking that he needed a rest.

When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile of road.

His now discouraged boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been
painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day
off?"

"Simple," Darryl answered. "I keep getting farther away from the
paint can!"

[Bill McCray]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked
the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage
and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever
seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled
up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[Bill McCray]

Down To Business

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a
beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there,
he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy,
the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had
a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I
help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Bill McCray]

The "Dear John" Letter

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl friend wrote, breaking off their engagement
and and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them to her with a note stating "I regret I
cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and
return the others."

[Bill McCray]

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring
sermon in church. Suddenly the red exit light caught his eye.

Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "When the light turns
green, can we go?"

[Bill McCray]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were
cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each
place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid
box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She
said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the
drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
hall mirror.

[Bill McCray]

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was
coming with his wife to visit. "You come to the front door of
the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at
the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz
you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With
your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma,that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You aren't coming empty handed?"

[Bill McCray]

Turtle Picnic

Three turtles, Frank, Bill, and Wally went on a picnic. Frank
packed the picnic basket with bottles of cola and sandwiches and
they set out to the picnic site five miles away.

It took them five days to get there and by the time they arrived,
they were starving. Then Frank realized he'd forgotten to pack
to bottle opener. He asked Wally to go back home and pick it up.

Wally wasn't sure about it. He was afraid Frank and Bill woulg
eat all the food while he was gone. But the two turtles swore
faithfully that they wouldn't touch the food until he returned.

Wally set off for home and five days passed. Frank was starving,
but Bill reminded him of their promise and convinced him to wait.

Three more days passed, and Bill and Frank couldn't take it
anymore. They lifted the lid to the picnic basket and got ready
to eat.

Just at that moment, Wally popped from behind a bush. "Just for
that, I'm not going."

[Bill McCray]

Beach Jokes

Q. What did the pig say at the beach?
A: I'm bacon!

Q. Why are gulls called seagulls?
A. If they were by the bay, they'd be bagels!

Q. What's the best day to go to the beach?
A. SUNDAY!

Q. Where does a ship go when it's sick?
A. To the DOCK!

Q. Why do fish swim in salt water?
A. Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q. What do whales like to put on their toast?
A. Jellyfish!

Q. Where does a fish go to borrow money?
A. A loan shark!
[How about "to the nearest bank."}

[Bill McCray]

The Logic of Marriage - A Child's View

Jack, a very young lad aged four years, said to his father,
"Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married."

His father explained, "For that, Jack, you have to have a boy and
a girl."

So Jack answered, "I've already found a girl.

"Who?" spluttered his Dad.

"Grandma," continues Jack happily.

"Now, let me get this straight," his father said. "You want to
marry my mother? You can't do that."

"I don't see why not?" Jack responded. "You married mine!"

[Bill McCray]

A blonde in the Baptist Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux
Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept
this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a
wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
congregation roared.

[Bill McCray]

Seeing Things Clearly

An old snake went to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for
my eyes. Can't see well these days."

The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and told him to
return in two weeks.

The snake came back two weeks later and told the doctor he was
very depressed.

Doc said, "What's the problem -- didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been living
with a water hose the past two years!"

[Bill McCray]

Three boys were in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy saids, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50."

The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him
$100."

The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes
eight people to collect all the money!"

[Bill McCray]

Show Me A Sign!

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid
passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I
approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to
you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies,
create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it
was!

[Bill McCray]

All Packed

Robert called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked
to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several
of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so
would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my
rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will
swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my
new blue silk pajamas."

His wife, Rhonda, thought this sounded a little fishy but she did
exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came
home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

Rhonda welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I
asked you to?"

"I did," Rhonda replied, "they were in your tackle box."

[Bill McCray]

Last Meal

Three condemned men were asked what they wanted for their last
meals.

The first asked for and received Pepperoni Pizza. The second
requested and received a Filet Mignon. The third requested a
plate of strawberries.

The warden was surprised and replied, "strawberries?"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"But, they are out of season!"

"That's okay. I'll wait."

[Bill McCray]

Quick Stop

I was carpooling with my friend Craig, he noticed that the "Check
oil" light was on. He pulled into the gas station, got out of
the car, opened the hood, checked the engine oil, closed the
hood, and got back into the car. "Can we make a quick stop?" He
asked.

"Sure," I replied, "what do you need to do?"

"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer
dipstick?"

"What do you need a longer one for?" I enquired.

"Because the one I have isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

[Bill McCray]

NASA decided to send three astronauts to Mars. The trip would
take three years. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds
of baggage.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second
decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while
the third decided to take along cigarettes.

Three years later, when they finally returned home, there was a
big crowd waiting to welcome them home. The first astronaut
spoke first. His wife sat behind him with their two new
children.

Next came the second speaking fluent German. They both got a
rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, the third with a cigarette in his mouth walked up to
the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, "Has anyone got a
match?"

[Bill McCray]

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can
extrapolate from incomplete data.

[Bill McCray]

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist were sitting in a
street cafe watching people going in and out of the house on the
other side of the street. First, they saw two people going into
the house. After a while they noticed three people coming out of
the house.

The physicist said "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist said "They have reproduced."

The mathematician said "If exactly one person enters the house,
it will be empty again."

[Bill McCray]

A product called a Nintendo Wii in France would be called what in
Britain?
A Nintendo Yes

[Bill McCray]

There is a band called 1023MB, but they haven't had any gigs yet.

[Bill McCray]

What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

[If you don't understand. Look him up. That should help.]

[Bill McCray]

Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar. And didn't.

[Bill McCray]

*******************************************
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
Life can be so funny!
*******************************************
Original, thought-provoking humor
*******************************************

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THIS WEEK'S COLUMN:

For links, photos, and comments, please read this column at
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=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HUG YOUR DOG

If you happen to be a dog owner, there's one question I'd like to
ask you: have you hugged your pooch lately?

Hugging or cuddling dogs is something many pet owners like to do.

Not me. No way. Forget about it.

When I'm in a mood to give a hug, I usually go through a long
list of potential recipients before I come to my dog, a list that
includes my wife, my three kids, my TV, my computer, and my
garbage can.

I know what you're thinking: how could you possibly prefer to
hug the garbage can than your dog?

Well, for one thing, the garbage can, unlike my dog, makes a
decent effort to hug me back. It doesn't turn its head away or
try to escape (although it once fell over backwards, perhaps
because it couldn't stand my breath).

Second, the garbage can, unlike my dog, gets washed regularly.
And once it's clean, it does not immediately run outdoors and
roll in the stinkiest pile of rotting matter it can find.

Third, the garbage can, unlike my dog, does not hit me in the
face with a long tail.

My dog, Legacy - or more accurately "our dog" - does get hugged a
lot in my household. My wife hugs her. My younger daughter,
Divya, hugs her. And all the fleas in the world hug her.

But she does not get any hugs from me. She would have to do
something really spectacular to get a hug from me, such as
discover a cure for cancer. If the Nobel Prize Committee called
my house to invite Legacy to Oslo, I'd certainly be eager to give
her a hug. But the truth is, if the Nobel Prize Committee ever
called my house, it would be hard for me to give anyone a hug,
because I would die of shock.

So Legacy is probably never going to get a hug from me. But
please don't judge me, all you pet owners who hug your dogs. I'm
sure there are things I've done with Legacy that you've never
done with your dogs. I bet you've never watched an entire
episode of "Quantico" with your dog. Trust me, it isn't easy to
train a dog to sit still and watch a TV show, even if Priyanka
Chopra is in it.

And before you get too self-righteous with all your dog-hugging,
let me point out a new study by Dr. Stanley Coren, a canine
expert and professor of psychology at the University of British
Columbia in Canada. (A "canine expert" is a "dog expert" who
possesses a PhD.)

Coren conducted the type of study that many of us enjoy doing.
Yes, he googled pics on the Internet. No, not pics of Priyanka
Chopra, but pics of dogs being hugged by adults or children. He
looked for any signs of discomfort, stress or anxiety exhibited
by the dog, such as lowered ears, a raised paw or a thought
bubble with the words "Enough already! Go hug the garbage can
instead."

Surprisingly, the professor found that in 81.6 percent of the
photos, the dogs looked anxious, stressed, or uncomfortable. In
7.6 percent, the dogs looked comfortable, and in the remainder,
the dogs were neutral. (It's not clear from the photos, of
course, how many of these dogs were being hugged by men wearing
Old Spice.)

Coren believes that the dogs were uncomfortable because they felt
trapped - they couldn't run away, as they like to do when danger
presents itself.

"The clear recommendation to come out of this research is to save
your hugs for your two-footed family members and lovers," he
writes in Psychology Today. "It is clearly better from the dog's
point of view if you express your fondness for your pet with a
pat, a kind word, and maybe a treat."

A kind word? Sounds good to me. I'll even give Legacy six kind
words: "No hugs from me today, girl!"

----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2016 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
"http://MelvinDurai.com"

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Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist. Born in
India and raised in Zambia, he has lived in North America most of
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[Bill McCray]

Teacher: How old is your father?
Student: He's six.
Teacher: Six? How is that possible?
Student: He's been Father only since I was born.

[Bill McCray]

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Right. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria did.

[Bill McCray]

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
Glenn: K r o k o d i a l.
Teacher: No, that's not how it's spelled.
Glenn: You didn't ask me how it's spelled. You asked me how
I spell it.

(Be careful how you word your questions.)

[Bill McCray]

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's.
Clyde: It's the same dog.

[Bill McCray]

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking after
people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.

[Bill McCray]

Tex

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the
corral with his new car. "I know that smartaleck," said the
first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he
bought as soon as he gets back."

"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good
ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is 'hello'."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so
smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."

Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"

[Bill McCray]

Quote of the Day:

"A physician once said: "The best medicine for humans is Love."

Someone asked, "What if it doesn't work?"

He smiled and said: "Increase the dosage."

[Bill McCray]

The Wish

A man and his wife in their 60s were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been so good that each one of
them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the
world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!

[Bill McCray]

Women Drivers

Fred rushed in and announced loudly, "I tell you, women drivers
are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the
freeway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a
Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next to her rear
view mirror putting on her mascara.

"I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I
knew was she was careening all over my lane.

"It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my
coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone."

[Bill McCray]

The Parrot

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said
"$50.00".

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked
around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Robert."

[Bill McCray]

The Keys

A cop comes across two tipsy guys pulling on the doors to a car.

"What's going on here?" the officer asked.

The first guy said, "I've locked my keys in the car and I can't
get it open!"

The other guy said, "But we have to keep trying, it looks like it
is going to rain and the top is down."

[Bill McCray]

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that, when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the
man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of
false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair ... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one
more pair of false teeth ... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner
meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had
helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

[Bill McCray]

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling
him, "Sir! Sir! There are five enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain told the man, "Get my red coat and prepare for
battle!"

The assistant ran without question to get the captain's red coat
and ordered preparation for battle. After their victory the assis-
tant asked the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain told the assistant, "If I were shot you would not be
able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the
assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty
enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him
"Get me my brown pants!"

[Bill McCray]

Money From Home

After we sent our son away to college, he would often (too often)
call up asking for money.

One time when he called my husband answered, "Sure we will send
you money, and I also noticed that you left your Physics book
here. Should we send that also?"

"Uh, oh, yeah, Okay," he responded.

I asked him afterward how much he sent.

"$1,100," he said.

When I gave him a surprised look, he explained, "Don't worry, I
taped a $100 check on the cover, and the other $1000 check inside
the cover."

[Bill McCray]

The Alphabet

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant,
fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[He should know better than that.]

[Bill McCray]

Appointment Book

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A
neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going
around canceling all his appointments.'

[Bill McCray]

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

1. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of
the question.

3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've
got mail".

8. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

10. He can't stick his head out of Windows.

[Someone is going to wonder what a floppy disk is.]

[Bill McCray]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air
Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your
friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max,
invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On
July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen
were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry
since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking
lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130
degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off
quickly.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million,
but they wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner", on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two
million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally
agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be
shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi,
and Max -- on the controls.

[Bill McCray]

Bright Idea

Glenn and Scott were bungee-jumping one day when Glenn had a
brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our
own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agreed that it would be a great idea, so the two pooled
their money and bought everything they would need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They traveled to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As
they were constructing the tower, a crowd began to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gathered to watch them at work.

When everything is ready, Glenn took a test jump. When he
bounced at the end of the cord and came back up, Scott noticed
that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the
Scott wasn't able catch him, so Glenn fell again, bounced, and
then came back up.

This time, Glenn was bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott missed
him. Glenn went down again and this time, he came back pretty
messed up - he had a couple of broken bones and was almost
unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally caught him and pulled him in.
"What happened?" he asked. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn caught his breath and replied, "No, the cord was fine, but
tell me - what the heck is a pinata?"

[Bill McCray]

You can't act like a skunk without someone getting wind of it.
Author unknown.

[Bill McCray]

Two Old Friends

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One
day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't
shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the
park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred
figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred
approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to
you?"

Russ replied, "I have been in jail.?

"Jail!" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she
filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. "The judge
gave me 30 days for perjury."

[Bill McCray]

Riddles

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by
its diameter?
Pumpkin PI

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.

[Bill McCray]

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off.
Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the
arm and John to a surgeon.

"You're in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-
attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed
the operation."

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it
faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub." Sam rushed down
to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John
accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the
same surgeon.

"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do
come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished
early, John's out playing soccer." Sam went to the field and to
his surprise found John kicking 50-meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when
John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of
John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would
do the job.

"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon
muttered, "but I'll see what I can do come back in twelve
hours."

Sam returned in twelve hours. "How did it go, Doc?" he asked.

"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in
the plastic bag, you idiot!"

[Bill McCray]

Men Are Just Happier People, Part 1

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress - $5000. Tux rental - $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
* You have to shave only your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes.
* One color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Bill McCray]

Men Are Just Happier People, Part 2

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they
will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and
Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change
back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need when it's
on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she
does.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!

[Bill McCray]

The Sunbather

An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it
for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone
running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just
pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of
breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you
sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."

[Bill McCray]

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker
tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns
that 'individuality' is the key to success."

Robert Orben

[Bill McCray]

Hillbillies and a Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life,
an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In
one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not
ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but
on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father.
So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for
the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found
the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So, that's
the ugly woman he's runnin' around with.

[Bill McCray]

Wrong Answer

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director
what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"