Help! Big! Bird!
Mumthra
I like dogs, I just don't like dogs in my house very much. Maybe the
only thing that has persuaded me to continue to abide with a fanged
animal that could efficiently maim my entire family is the belief that
this animal would be more likely to keep intruders out than to gnaw on
any of us.
It's hard to keep believing that Annie would truly rise to the
occasion and actually disembowel a burglar. Anything could happen;
she's certainly capable of being scary, but she's equally capable of
being a scaredy dog.
Annie is frightened by storm fronts and she will relentlessly twine
herself between my legs whenever the barometer drops. Likewise,
lightning makes her whimper. She seems to be much more interested in
seeking reassurance than warning me that there is something bad out
there. I try to tell her that it's probably nothing--since that seems
to be my responsibility as the thumbed creature--but I don't think she
ever believes me for long. We have imaginary conversations about it.
WHIMPER, says Annie.
"It's going away. It's okay," I say.
OKAY. THANKS, says Annie. OHMYGOD! WHAT WAS THAT BOOMY THING??!?
I DON'T LIKE THAT BOOMY THING. OH...YOU SURE? OKAY. THANKS. She
snuffles closer until I am immobilized.
Now there is a new fear in the dog brain: the smoke alarm. I heard its
fleeting tweet as I started my shower this morning. I suppose that all
the battery models have that signal to ask for a fresh battery. Mine
do, anyway.
Apparently, Annie heard it too, and decided that the chirping was some
kind of giant bird monster that eats dogs. She nosed the bathroom door
open and nosed the shower door open and deposited her seventy pounds
of jumpy dog flesh into my shower. She has never revealed that much
ingenuity for anything other than food theft.
It was very a very Lassie-like move except that she wasn't trying to
warn me that the bridge was out or anythinglikethat, her message was:
I WILL JUST STAND HERE IN YOUR HOT RAIN BOX UNTIL YOU AGREE TO SAVE ME
FROM THE SCARY GIANT TWEETING BIRD. I WILL STAND AND BLINK AT YOU. I
AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SEE?
Since she wouldn't leave, I bathed her with kid shampoo, certain that
the smell of banana mango would drive her out.
It worked. As soon as I opened the shower door again, the big sopping
mango-scented animal exploded out of the room. I was very pleased with
myself until Spunky appeared.
"Somefings wrong wif Annie, I fink," she said, "She peed all over the
library." ("The Library" is what we call their closet).
"Great," I said, "She's just scared. Don't go in there, okay?"
"Okay, but why's she scared of the library?"
She's not afraid of rooms--not yet, anyway. In fact, she's never
developed a healthy fear of the veterinarian. She has plenty of cause,
but I've decided that she's just not that smart. Really, though, since
she has to be saddled with a below average dog intelligence, why
couldn't she have fearlessness to match her senselessness? I could
pull down the smoke detector and let her examine it, but she'd just
sniff it over and say, OKAY VERY INTERESTING BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO ABOUT THAT BIRD MONSTER?
It's harder now to believe that Annie would defend us from an attack,
but I still prefer to think that her killer instincts would come to
the fore. It's a sure thing that she would do damage if the mailman
ever decides to break in, but if he wears a bird suit, we're screwed.
Loracevoll
In article <366ecb7f....@news1.radix.net>, nosp...@radix.net (Mumthra)
writes:
> I suppose that all
>the battery models have that signal to ask for a fresh battery. Mine
>do, anyway.
It's been my experience that smoke detectors all decide it's tweetin' time
about 3 am. Then I have to make Husband Gump awake up and go disconnect it
'cause he's taller than little ole me and we NEVER have spare 5 volt batteries
lying around. The most entertaining time was when my cooking set off the smoke
detector and Gump came out of the shower nekkid as a jaybird and started
jumping up and down to swat it down with a broom. He just didn't realize that
the curtains were wide open. It was quite a pagent for our neighbors. Of
course that was back when we lived next to the serial killer and the dope
dealers....
BTW -- I've met your dog and *I* think she's SCARY. You'd really be in luck if
a burglar came in with a PBJ or some other snack food dangling just waiting to
be snatched out of an unsuspecting hand....... Or do you think a bird suit
would cancel this out??
Mugs and Fishes, Lorac
Mumthra
: It's been my experience that smoke detectors all decide it's tweetin' time
: about 3 am.
This is our penance for ignoring the daylight savings time ritual
battery of battery changes, ya know. Here, we'd never even take the
trash out on time if the email didn't command it. I've even written
down on my calendar when it's time to check the vacuum cleaner bag.
I'm so ashamed, sorta.
: BTW -- I've met your dog and *I* think she's SCARY. You'd really be in luck if
: a burglar came in with a PBJ or some other snack food dangling just waiting to
: be snatched out of an unsuspecting hand....... Or do you think a bird suit
: would cancel this out??
I think snacks would be irrelevant. She eats RILLY FAST. A burgular
wouldn't even have time to SNEEZE while she ate a steak, and she
wouldn't have time to override her appetite and get scared until
AFTER.
<glumph-ah>...HEY! WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY??!??
Like that.
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This was probably from Mumthra.