Expert in Stucco
The Avocado Avenger
whole "essay" below, in case it jogs anyone's memory. Supposedly someone
used this as an entrance essay, by which I suppose they mean one of those
you have to write in the 45 minutes they give you sitting in a cold
classroom at 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning. I somehow suspect this is
actually some guy who parlayed a funny little essay into what he hopes
will be a large urban legend.
Nothing on snopes. Nothing on urbanlegends.com. Gimme some facts,
kids, I'm curious but yellow.
--
"This is an actual essay written by an applicant when applying to
college. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER
THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT
EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in
a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored,
I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances
free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a
mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college."
--
Stacia * The Avocado Avenger * Life is a tale told by an idiot;
http://world.std.com/~stacia/ * Full of sound and fury,
There is no guacamole anywhere. * Signifying nothing.
Lon Stowell
The Avocado Avenger <sta...@world.std.com> wrote:
> Holy picnic baskets, Batman - this is an urban legend! I quoted the
>whole "essay" below, in case it jogs anyone's memory. Supposedly someone
>used this as an entrance essay, by which I suppose they mean one of those
>you have to write in the 45 minutes they give you sitting in a cold
>classroom at 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning. I somehow suspect this is
>actually some guy who parlayed a funny little essay into what he hopes
>will be a large urban legend.
> Nothing on snopes. Nothing on urbanlegends.com. Gimme some facts,
>kids, I'm curious but yellow.
Odd. Quick look using any web search engine yields more hits
than Barry Bonds on crack-laced creatine.
>
>--
>"This is an actual essay written by an applicant when applying to
>college. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
And earns tuition money smiting innocent watermelons feloniously and
with great vigor.
Lon "...and a really big fucking hammer" Stowell
--
[Please add your own clever saying here]
The Avocado Avenger
> Odd. Quick look using any web search engine yields more hits
> than Barry Bonds on crack-laced creatine.
Yeah, I went to several sites I got to on the web, many of whom labelled
the essay as "an urban legend". So I went to *specific* UL sites, which I
mentioned by name, and got no hits on those. I was in search of details
for this, and I thought I made it clear I didn't think it was a UL, but
more likely someone trying to parlay it into a UL for the popularity.
We are all stunning popular for participating in this newsfroup, are we
not?
Joseph Michael Bay
>lsto...@lenny.sfrn.dnai.com (Lon Stowell) writes:
>> Odd. Quick look using any web search engine yields more hits
>> than Barry Bonds on crack-laced creatine.
> Yeah, I went to several sites I got to on the web, many of whom labelled
>the essay as "an urban legend". So I went to *specific* UL sites, which I
>mentioned by name, and got no hits on those. I was in search of details
>for this, and I thought I made it clear I didn't think it was a UL, but
>more likely someone trying to parlay it into a UL for the popularity.
> We are all stunning popular for participating in this newsfroup, are we
>not?
Well, there's nothing about it that really qualifies it as a UL. The
claim that some kid wrote this essay is either true or it's not true,
or perhaps exaggerated, but not really ULish. There's no hook (in the
door handle) -- maybe two years later the guy is found not to be an
outlaw in Peru and they kick him out of school for falsifying information
in his essay, now that might be a UL.
--
Joseph M. Bay Lamont Sanford Junior University
www.stanford.edu/~jmbay/
t3H quIc/< 6roWn Ph0x0r jUmP3D ovER T3h 14zY do9 !( @|=>
It Was Like That When I Got Here
Daniel Ucko
> sta...@world.std.com (The Avocado Avenger) writes:
>
> >lsto...@lenny.sfrn.dnai.com (Lon Stowell) writes:
>
> >> Odd. Quick look using any web search engine yields more hits
> >> than Barry Bonds on crack-laced creatine.
>
> > Yeah, I went to several sites I got to on the web, many of whom labelled
> >the essay as "an urban legend". So I went to *specific* UL sites, which I
> >mentioned by name, and got no hits on those. I was in search of details
> >for this, and I thought I made it clear I didn't think it was a UL, but
> >more likely someone trying to parlay it into a UL for the popularity.
> > We are all stunning popular for participating in this newsfroup, are we
> >not?
> >
> Well, there's nothing about it that really qualifies it as a UL. The
> claim that some kid wrote this essay is either true or it's not true,
> or perhaps exaggerated, but not really ULish. There's no hook (in the
> door handle) -- maybe two years later the guy is found not to be an
> outlaw in Peru and they kick him out of school for falsifying information
> in his essay, now that might be a UL.
A quick look at http://www.nyu.edu/cgi-bin/nyudirectory.cgi reveals no
current student at NYU by the name of Hugh Gallagher.
Daniel 'but I still don't think it's a UL' Ucko
Richard Evans
>A quick look at http://www.nyu.edu/cgi-bin/nyudirectory.cgi reveals no
>current student at NYU by the name of Hugh Gallagher.
I first saw this in the early 80s, so he'd be a really dull student to
be there currently.
Dick Evans
Thom White
sta...@world.std.com wrote on 18/07/02 3:28 AM:
> lsto...@lenny.sfrn.dnai.com (Lon Stowell) writes:
>
>> Odd. Quick look using any web search engine yields more hits
>> than Barry Bonds on crack-laced creatine.
>
> Yeah, I went to several sites I got to on the web, many of whom labelled
> the essay as "an urban legend". So I went to *specific* UL sites, which I
> mentioned by name, and got no hits on those. I was in search of details
> for this, and I thought I made it clear I didn't think it was a UL, but
> more likely someone trying to parlay it into a UL for the popularity.
I passed this essay on to my brother and he replied:
"Similar, if far superior to what I wrote to get my job on Revs[1]!
I think it's just a very good example of what a lot of people (including
myself) do when an essay/exam isn't very important.
Thom White
[1] A magazine for people who modify cars
--
To email me (why?)
remove nospam from
email address
Daniel Ucko
From the orginial post:
'This is an actual essay written by an applicant when applying to
college. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.'
Daniel 'I spent eight years at my college, in fact' Ucko
Andrew McMichael
I first heard it in the mid-1980s when i was firts in college.
On http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/maddog/stuff/essay.html they claim
"This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in
the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary
fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York
City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square,
Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall."
On http://www.cyberstory.com/CyberStoryText2/CollegeAdmissions.html they get a
bit more specific:
"Author is Hugh Gallagher, 19, of Newtown Square, PA, and NYU. 1st prize in
the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards."
On:
http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena/user/w/c/wchuang/www/humor/college/college_essay.html
"From Harper's "This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue
of Literary_Calvalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing
published by Scholastic in NYC. Gallagher, who is 18, grew up in Newtown
Square, PA, and will attend NYU this fall."
Oh oh oh. Here's a biography:
http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html
It even made an appearance in AFU once before.
http://makeashorterlink.com/?J16F25B41
--
Andrew McMichael, Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Princeton University
Are you a Usenet/newsgroups old-timer? Help write history:
http://echo.gmu.edu/surveys/contribute.php?survey=h_usenet
Phil Edwards
Avenger) wrote:
>I somehow suspect this is
>actually some guy who parlayed a funny little essay into what he hopes
>will be a large urban legend.
I think it was just a joke that's floated free of its moorings.
<http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena/user/w/c/wchuang/www/humor/college/college_essay.html>,
one of the many, many Google hits for the phrase 'godlike trombone',
has this footnote:
"This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category
of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May issue of
Literary_Calvalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student
writing published by Scholastic in NYC. Gallagher, who is 18, grew up
in Newtown Square, PA, and will attend NYU this fall [i.e. 1990]."
Who is Hugh Gallagher? Why, this is Hugh Gallagher:
<http://www.annonline.com/interviews/980223/biography.html>. Note
inevitable post-teen fish/pond dimension reassessment.
Phil "swimming in a rising tide" Edwards
--
Phil Edwards http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/amroth/
"TV shows don't go out to buy the newspaper."
- Nathan Tenny sleeps furiously
Narelle
>
> Richard Evans wrote:
>
>>d.u...@physics.org (Daniel Ucko) wrote:
>>
>>
>>>A quick look at http://www.nyu.edu/cgi-bin/nyudirectory.cgi reveals no
>>>current student at NYU by the name of Hugh Gallagher.
>>>
>>I first saw this in the early 80s, so he'd be a really dull student to
>>be there currently.
>>
>
>
>
> I first heard it in the mid-1980s when i was firts in college.
>On http://www.ccs.neu.edu/home/maddog/stuff/essay.html they claim
>
>"This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
>category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in
>the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary
>fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York
>City. Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square,
>Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this fall."
That makes 2 of you who say you heard it well before Hugh Gallagher
wrote it in 1990! So, did it, in fact exist in some form before he
gained fame and a nice trophy for his bookcase in 1990?
Narelle "or do you do aura readings as well" Stacey
Aaron Davies
> Holy picnic baskets, Batman - this is an urban legend! I quoted the
> whole "essay" below, in case it jogs anyone's memory. Supposedly someone
> used this as an entrance essay, by which I suppose they mean one of those
> you have to write in the 45 minutes they give you sitting in a cold
> classroom at 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning. I somehow suspect this is
> actually some guy who parlayed a funny little essay into what he hopes
> will be a large urban legend.
> Nothing on snopes. Nothing on urbanlegends.com. Gimme some facts,
> kids, I'm curious but yellow.
Apparently not an urban legend after all.
<http://www.theonionavclub.com/reviews/words/words_t/teeth01.html>
--
Aaron Davies
Save a cow, eat a vegan.
<http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,51494,00.html>
The Avocado Avenger
>Apparently not an urban legend after all.
><http://www.theonionavclub.com/reviews/words/words_t/teeth01.html>
I guess what I was wondering is why people labelled it a UL when it was
just sort of an interesting story. Are we so popular? We must be
stunningly hip and fab to have people call silly anecdotes "urban
legends". Then I thought there might be facts about this which I wasn't
uncovering, but alas, it was not to be.
Now, if this Hugh Gallagher guy was having sex on a mountaintop and got
his butt zapped with lightning, *then* we'd have a story. Maybe I'll
e-mail him and ask.