Strange Quotes Pt. 2 (OT)

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St Erica Patron Saint of OT Posts

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Feb 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/7/00
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Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Silver's law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong it will.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of
smell?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So much evolution, so little progress
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The brain is the apparatus with which we think that we think.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain the longer God lets you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all
the less important ones just never go away.
The people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The road to success is always under construction.
The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got
home, what did Toto get?
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with life is that you're halfway through it before you realize it's
a do-it-yourself thing.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today I will disregard all negative messages like stop or yield or wrong way/do
not enter.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than, "I told you so."
Today I will rely on the language of love and understanding. If that doesn't
work, I'll go back to intimidation and fear.
Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend: with sarcasm and neglect.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two lefts do.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them
to where you can't find them.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
We don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel
better about ourselves.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We put the "k" in "kwality"
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Welcome to the South, now go home.
What are imitation rhinestones?
What do batteries run on?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do penguins wear for play clothes?
What do people in china call their good plates?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered
plants?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 UP's?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens if you go on a survival course and you don't pass?
What happens if you take no-doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What if hell really did freeze over? What phrase we be using instead?
What if someone died in the living room?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to
go?
What is 'soft liquor?'
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
What is the diameter of a square?
What is the speed of dark?
What kind of fruit is in juicy fruit gum?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
What's the synonym for thesaurus?
Whatever happened to preparations a through g?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
When day breaks who fixes it?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
When in doubt, don't bother.
When in doubt, give advice.
When in doubt, ignore it.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When night falls who picks it up?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set
it to?
When we say our mind wanders-where does it go?
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see
ception?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a
mattress?
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to
play chess?
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where do they get spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Where is Old Zealand?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
Which is the other side of the street?
Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute; I'll find someone.
Who cares who's on board?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells
refrigerators?
Who killed the Dead Sea?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid
to have a chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids?'
Why are highways built so close to the ground?
Why are light switches marked 'on' and 'off?' If they're on you can read them
if they are off you can't see to read them.
Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just
call them dried grapes?
Why are some gay people so unhappy?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there pockets on men's pajama tops?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram?'
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire
taller dancers?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say, "Lather. Rinse. Repeat?" If you did
this, would you ever be able to stop?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do irons have a setting for 'permanent' press?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed?
Do they feel perhaps that they'll need an alibi?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Why do the signs that say 'slow children' have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2?"
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
Why do they make scented toilet paper?
Why do they put Braille on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in
telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a
cargo?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we put shirts in a suitcase, and put suits in a garment bag?
Why do we say 'a pair of pants' when there is only one article of clothing
involved?
Why do we say something is out of whack? Can something be in whack?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game," when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?
Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
Why does the department of the interior administer America's parks when they
are outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don't they call mustaches mouthbrows?
Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
racecar not called a racist?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is clear considered a color?
Why is it called a 'building' when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of superman's chest, but he ducks when the
gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
Why is it that famous people are always born on holidays?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that so many towns are named after their water towers?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on 'START?'
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but
when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a house burns up, we say it burns down.
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why talk to strangers who could be friends when you can talk to friends who can
be strange.
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a speech, I end
it?
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Xerox does it again and again and again and . . .
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better
have a lot more to offer.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
alone.
You can keep puking, long after you think you're finished.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they
panic and give in.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then
used against you.
You know how most packages say 'open here.' What is the protocol if the
package says, 'open somewhere else?'
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
You shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you
think.
You! Off my planet!
Your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery,
the ol' hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, and the missing one will be there
for 'you.'
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!

|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|\_\ ___________
|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=| \_\ (_((___((_(___(
|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=| \_\ (_((___((_(___(
The Encyclopedia Erica, 2000 Edition
http://members.aol.com/ImSilverGirl/erica.html
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Feb 7, 2000, 3:00:00 AM2/7/00
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Go look at this chick's picture. She's kinda hot.
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