Dumb Frat Games

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David Hyatt

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Jul 25, 1992, 7:18:17 PM7/25/92
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The October 1991 issue of National Lampoon has a whole big section on
famed college pranks. It also included this article on dumb college
frat drinking games (which I happened to write), reprinted here
for your amusement.

Note: Not for the squeamish. But who on alt.folklore.college is
that squeamish anyway?
---------------

Dumb Frat Games

Acted Out by Authentic Dumb Frat Guys

In a Real Fraternity House; We Can't Tell You Which One

taken without permission from October 1991 National Lampoon
page 41-43.

by David Hyatt
(dhy...@infinity.com)

There could be lots of spelling errors, so beware!
---------


IT's fall semester on campus: rush season. Once again, the
annual flood of frat-initiation disaster stories is making the rounds,
replete with horrifying details of the gruesome deaths of freshman
pledges who suffocated in car trunks, drowned in lakes, or ate more
than a proper serving of live crawdads. As the body count escalates,
perhaps we should step back, take a critical look at these barbaric
customs, and ask, "Why?"

Or perhaps we should leave the philosophizing to the sniveling
mothers of the dead children. Instead, let's ask, "What ELSE do they
do?"

Research has found that most of today's frat games fall into
five general categories: food, pain, gentle anal probing, writhing
nakedness, and drinking. (Perhaps it is four small categories and one
big category.) Those games that fall under more than one category are
regarded as superior.

DISCLIAMER: This feature does not intend to make damaging
generalizations about fraternities, nor does it mean to characterize
frat boys as self-mutilating, homoeroitc, mindless hedonists who would
gladly brand themselves on the butt with the red-hot mouth of a
blowing beer bottle simply because everyone else promised that they
would do it next. Also, since few sources were willing to go on the
record, it could not be confirmed with certainty that these games are
in fact played, but these accounts are definitely more reliable than
"urban myths."

FOOD

Butter the Toast (also known as Spunk Bread and, in the
British Commonwealth, Soggy Biscuit) is a simple and exciting game.
Pals gather in a circle with a small piece of bread in the middle,
varying in size from a Rich Chex "check" to a large piece of pita,
depending on how impish and how hungry the merry band might feel.

Then, in a casual, fraternal, bonding, frothy kind of way, the
players masturbate at the bread, as any self-respecting American males
would do when left to their own devices. The "winner," of course, is
the last to come. He proudly eats his prize -- the gooey bread, the
sacred staff of life. (picture)

Cherry Relay also employs the racing motif. Two cherries,
resting on two blocks of ice. Two lines of eager boys. Pretty
simple.

Well, actually there is a catch. In this relay race, it's
against the rules to use anything but posterior equipment to pick up
and carry the cherries.

Don't worry, they don't have to EAT the cherries. Unless, of
course, they lose.

Although The Ice Slide isn't technically a race, and ice isn't
exactly a food, it could be included here, too. It's a yearly party
event at some universities, including Stanford. A house Ping-Pong
table is placed atop some blocks or a pool table, so that is rests
solidly about three feet above the gounrd. A foot-wide strip of
plastic lies on the floor, starting under one end of the table and
running down a long hallway. Both the strip and the table are covered
with cubed ice. The topless competitors race toward the table, leap
belly-first onto the ice surface, and then slide off the edge. Then
they crash three feet down onto the plastic, going for distance as
they coast on ice cubes down the strip. If someone doesn't fly off
the table fast enough, the far endge does a nice job of scraping away
any excess hair, skin, or nipples that person might have had on his or
her chest. (pictures)

An al fresco veriation is Cornell's famous Chair Races,
involving comfy office chairs with wheels, a big hill, and motorcycle
helmets. This brings us to...

PAIN

Face a solid wall from about ten inches away. Hold an ordinary
household ping-pong ball at waist level, and toss it straight up.
Catch the ball by trapping it between your forehead and the wall.
Very good; you've mastered Butler University's Ping-Pong Toss.
(Variation: Cue Ball Toss.) (picture)

While not a "game" as such, the fames frat prank Hypnotic
Power Situps is a great way to nail that bitchy classmate,
neighborhood bully, or gullible future United States vice president.

The unsuspecting victim strolls by and sees you lying on the
floor, held down by two cohorts who have you pinned to the ground with
a towel held across your face. You grunt and groan, trying with all
your might to do a situp.

Then your friends remove the towel. "Just watch," your
trustworthy cohorts tell the curious observer, "as the power of
muscular hypnosis manifests itself." Close your eyes and concentrate.
Incredibly, no matter how much you wriggle and strain, you are unable
to do a situp. After exerting one last monumental effort, you're
forced to give up.

"Amazing," cries the victim. "Let me try!"

Of course, you oblige. When your assistants let the towel
prematurely slip from the victim's head, he jerks up and firmly plants
his face into the crack of your bare buttocks, which you've proudly
splayed as you straddle his (now disgraced) form.

And speaking of bare buttocks...

GENTLE ANAL PROBING

When you play Elephant Train, all stand in a circle,
completely naked. You all turn and face to the right, and fit your
right thumb snugly inside the anus of the future captain of industry
in front of you. Your left thumb goes in your mouth. An appointed
game-master then starts a jolly good-time record, and the troop begins
its circular march. (Suggested listening: "March of the Baby
Elephants," "Teddy Bears' Picnic," or Chopin's classic dirge,
"Polonaise in F minor.") When the music stops, all stand still.

Whoops! Your right thumb popped out? Don't worry, you've
still got another clean thumb. Just switch 'em, left thumb in butt,
right thumb in mouth. You're out when you're out of clean thumbs.
(picture)

After the tension of the Train, some relief can be had by
means of Harvard's, Stanford's, and USC's Atomic Chug. One lucky
volunteer stands on his hands and is administered a cool, soothing
beer enema. The runoff is carefully gathered in a glass. You know
the rest.

WRITHING NAKEDNESS

Butt Rodeo adds a touch of the Old West to any sexual
encounter, requiring only a stopwatch and an ample supply of
unsuspecting "cowgirls."

The ride mounts his unknowing "filly" in private, comfortably
"riding" her from behind. Meanwhile, his thoughtful chums patiently
perch outside his room (or inside his closet), waiting for a verbal
cue from the rider. When the signal is given, they burst in and begin
a raucous chant: "Rodeo ONE, Rodeo TWO, Rodeo THREE..." With the
stopwatch they measure how long this cowboy can stay on his shocked
and now-furiously-bucking bronco. Eight seconds is considered a
"victory" for the rider. (picture)

A rider in training can also play without the intrusion of his
brothers, simply by uttering the name of an old girlfriend during his
ride.

DRINKING

While an account of drinking games could fill a major, any
listing would be amiss if it failed to mention the eighties innovation
that is one of the most horrifyingly sadistic and cruel drinking games
of them all: Built This City.

The rules are simple: blast Starship's "We Built This City"
over and over until each competitor has downed a six-pack. Obviously
the game has the potential for tragedy built in: human beings simply
were not meant to drink that fast.

-----
(end)
Copyright 1991 NL Communications Inc.


ben_w/_no_real_email_address__:_(

unread,
Jul 27, 1992, 5:41:50 PM7/27/92
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In article <1992Jul25.2...@leland.Stanford.EDU>
dhy...@leland.Stanford.EDU (David Hyatt) writes:

> Dumb Frat Games

> Acted Out by Authentic Dumb Frat Guys

> DISCLIAMER: This feature does not intend to make damaging


generalizations about fraternities, nor does it mean to characterize
frat boys as self-mutilating, homoeroitc, mindless hedonists who would
gladly brand themselves on the butt with the red-hot mouth of a
blowing beer bottle simply because everyone else promised that they
would do it next. Also, since few sources were willing to go on the
record, it could not be confirmed with certainty that these games are
in fact played, but these accounts are definitely more reliable than
"urban myths."


****** I _KNEW_ there was a reason I didn't join a frat (I say "Frat" instead
of fraternity . . . because they HATE that), beside the fact that I didn't want
to buy my friends, alter my personality or priorities (like actually getting an
education), etc. etc. etc. Major waste of time --- cultivating plastic
relationships and pursuing meaningless activities. DON'T FLAME ME -- I party,
I just don't do it with my thumb up some other guy's ass! (Whew, that's
_manly_!)
********************************************************************************


Ted Frank

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Aug 4, 1992, 2:09:16 AM8/4/92
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Hey! You're forgetting all of their philanthropy! (snicker, snicker)
--
....................................
ted frank | th...@midway.uchicago.edu
the university of chicago law school
official member of the cultural elit

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