Remember a Fairy I couldn't tell you the name of?? Update on book....
Mikals9
for her latest book.... the book is now in production and will be released
sometime in April.... the "rejected fairy" that some of you asked for and
seen is really named "The Fixer Fairy".... I had to redo the face to be
more of a gentle and caring expression.... all four of the characters are in
color on the cover art and in black and white where they appear in the
book.... Mikal
Online-Interview between Cheryl O'Brien and Grace Monêt
February 28, 2004
CHERYL: This book is aimed directly at girls and young women who have lost
their mothers. What inspired you to write the book?
GRACE: Life experience and frustration over lack of information. My "Mama"
was killed in a car wreck back when I was 13. At the time, there was much
less known about grief in general, children's grief, and how to cope as a
family. Of course, I was a young teenager, and teenagers usually clam up
around their parents. Even though everyone did the best with the best
intentions, what was not known did hurt. My reactions to the situation led
to later problems, particularly with the pervasive need to fix the
impossible. (A death cannot be undone, of course). The efforts in that area
resulted in inappropriate relationships, misdirected efforts, misspent
money, misspent time.
CHERYL: You have taken a good number of years to bring this book to
completion. The book is highly personal to you and I get the feeling that
the writing of the book was quite a journey for you. Can you comment on that
journey?
GRACE: I'm proud -- or relieved -- to say that I've sought my education,
have avoided arrest, and am basically a good person. A long part of this
journey went through the libraries in the communities where I've lived. It
was a search for answers! After unsuccessful tries to fix broken domestic
situations, I wanted to do why I did it, and how to stop. I was still
reading while writing this book, because certain parts were still not
understood and difficult to explain. Part of the journey was through
conflicting areas of achievement and frustration. I was good at my work, and
did well in school and college. I'm an intellectual, for better or for
worse. At the same time, though, my emotions worked against my better
judgment when it came to relationships. That's why I read the book, "Smart
Women, Foolish Choices."
CHERYL: On reading the book, I see you have in a number of places repeated
yourself. Why is that?
GRACE: There are two reasons: A) This is in part a reference book for teens,
and I expect that the reader will often just read portions that seem
relevant at the moment. B) The response of the pervasive "need to fix" is so
important that I wanted to mention it in different places and explain it in
various ways. It's crucial that a teen become aware of this reaction and
take steps to understand that it's an impossible task. It's important for
the reader to learn that it's ok to be a teenager, and her own needs are
important. There's a separate section on different levels of appropriate
giving. I decided to use a series of "Crossroads" questions at different
points of the "Modern Tale" in the middle of the book. The "Modern Tale"
pulls together concepts introduced and explained in the first half. The
"Crossroads" questions prod the reader to think about the situations in the
story, like the review questions in a textbook. The story's main character
is presented as the reader's friend. The questions ask: "What would you tell
her?" "How would you react if...?" It's one thing to try to tell a teenager
to avoid something. It's another thing for her to think it through for
herself.
CHERYL: The book is full of helpful advice aimed specifically at young girls
and women who have lost their mother. Can you recap for us what you see as
the three most important pieces of advice you offer?
GRACE: A)Keep talking to your Dad, and involve him in your life. Give him a
chance to help. He's as important to you as your mother was, just different.
The opportunity to help his children will also be good for him. The work the
family members do now to help each other will set a great foundation for
successful relationships later. B) Realize and remember that Mama's death
was not your fault! Seek out trauma or crisis counseling right away. Involve
the whole family, if possible. No one is born knowing how to deal with this
kind of loss, and children tend to feel responsible for everything wrong
that happens in the family. C) Whatever you feel is ok. You might grieve a
lot right away, or less than you expect. Give yourself time to be a teenager
while you are one; don't grow up too soon. It's really difficult to make up
for lost time later.
CHERYL: What can a grieving father do to best help his grieving children?
GRACE: As above, seek trauma or crisis counseling for the whole family as
soon as possible. The children need to hear and know that their Mama's death
was not their fault. The book, "Helping Children Cope with Separation and
Loss," by Claudia Jewett Jarrett, is a clear guide to how children
experience loss and what they might be thinking. It will help you know what
will comfort them, and what they might need to hear you say. Another book I
recommend for later is "Women Who Love Too Much," by Robin Norwood. It shows
how daughters react when the family communications break down due to a
central, undiscussed issue. The book was originally written about daughters
from alcoholic homes, but my experience demonstrated that grief can
interfere with a family's communication as severely as substance abuse. The
kids need to be able to talk about the loss, to express their feelings. They
need to know that it's ok to react in the safe home environment, that Dad
can "take it," and that Dad will do his best to help. "Women Who Love Too
Much" is also about women who are addicted to relationships with
inappropriate men. If a Dad can find out what's at stake, he might be better
able to direct the attention he gives to his children.
CHERYL: You describe in the book various regressive concepts which the
trauma of losing a mother can bring about in a daughter, such as "Magical
Thinking", "The Invisible Tattoo Fairy", and "The Fixer Fairy". What
qualifications do you have to discuss these concepts?
GRACE: "Magical Thinking" is a concept explained in the book, "Helping
Children Cope With Separation and Loss." It explains how children perceive
and react to death differently than adults. The "Invisible Tattoo Fairy" and
"Fixer Fairy" were pulled from my experience. The "Tattoo Fairy" is about
self-esteem, and the "Fixer Fairy" is a way to describe and explain the
strong need to fix the impossible.
CHERYL: In your book, "Mama's In Heaven - But You Can Manage" you refer
frequently to several other books. Which of these books would you most
recommend to other women coping with the loss of a mother? Why?
GRACE: As I mentioned in the answer to the Dads, "Women Who Love Too Much"
tops my list, because it explains the way that grief can interfere with a
family's communication. It can show a Daughter and her Dad what they can do
to prevent that communication breakdown, and what attitudes and skills will
help her find appropriate relationships later.
CHERYL: You mention throughout the book, the concept of 'accidental
assumptions.' Can you explain what an accidental assumption is? How can we
avoid accidental assumptions?
GRACE: An "accidental assumption" is someone's initial unspoken reaction to
a given situation. Usually it's a negative assumption, such as, "Nobody
loves me," "Something's too hard for me," "I'll never be able to do ..." The
accidental aspect is that it's unspoken, probably forgotten, and there's no
awareness that it's incorrect. That forgotten, incorrect assumption can
negatively influence future decisions. The way to avoid accidental
assumptions is to open up and talk to the adult family members about your
life. They can't confirm or correct an idea they've never heard. The book
"Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss" mentions such reactions.
That book can help Dad's know that their children might be thinking that
way, and anticipates some of the questions he might hear.
CHERYL: You go to great lengths to detail the many aspects of womanhood and
growing up including mention of issues surrounding sex, relationship,
marriage and parenting. Why do you include this advice?
GRACE: Teenagers usually reach a point they'll ask anyone but their parents
for advice. These topics are those that would have been discussed with their
mothers, and about which their girlfriends are learning and guessing. The
very idea of asking my Dad about these issues was quite embarrassing! I
thought it would be helpful to insert some advice as an extra "Auntie."
CHERYL: In "Mama's In Heaven - But You Can Manage" you discuss the use of a
"12 Step Programme". Aren't these programmes for people associated with
substance abuse? Why would you suggest this approach to a Daughter who has
lost her mother?
GRACE: Because 12-step programs help people handle situations over which
they have no control. The death of one's Mama falls into that category. It's
true that there is no specific 12-step program for the grieving process.
What is true is that different harmful habits can result later, such as
substance abuse, gambling and overeating. The groups that meet and use the
12-steps are safe places to express problems, reach out to others, and find
moral support. "The Compassionate Friends" is an organization that does
directly deal with the loss of family members. They can be found online.
CHERYL: The conclusion of the book recommends adopting an "attitude of
gratitude". Isn't that a bit much to expect from a girl or woman who has
lost a mother?
GRACE: Yes, it is too much to ask right away. The issue is more appropriate
after time has passed, and she's involved in living her life. It's healthier
than feeling like a victim.
CHERYL: This book took a great deal of time, energy, and courage for you to
write. Laying your own experiences out on the table to be viewed, dissected
and reviewed must have been quite challenging for you. Can you comment on
that?
GRACE: Thank you for your kind words! It was a long time in coming, but the
courage came from the realization that this book can be a basis for
discussion and research. It can be a reference for grieving teens, their
dads, family members, friends, and other interested adults. It is just one
book among others about a wide topic. Readers are free to discuss, disagree
or ignore the work. Revealing all that life experience was necessary to
explain the potential problems, and teach the lessons. My Mama was a
teacher, and it's comforting to think that this book is part of her legacy.
CHERYL: The book obviously has a limited target market and therefore a
limited expected level of earning. Why did you put so much into the book
with so little expected return?
GRACE: Because I needed to do it. The whole project was a healing experience
for me. The work went beyond what I thought I could do. Yes, the stated
target market is limited, but it is also for Dads, relatives, friends,
teachers, clergy, and anyone in the helping professions. Of course, it's
natural that I'd like to see some financial reward from the book, but it's
not the only possible reward. I'm looking forward to future interaction with
the readers.
CHERYL: Thank you for taking the time to be interviewed. Congratulations on
completing your book. I wish you the very best of success.
GRACE: Thank you, and you're quite welcome! Cheryl O'Brien & Grace Monêt
Cheryl O'Brien is an author, poet, and caregiver.
She resides in Australia and is the moderator of
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AustraliaTheWorldWordsmiths,
an international literary networking group.
**Dalin**
your illustrations chosen for the book, but to have them in such a
worthwhile book. :) I hope, when the book comes out, you will be
able to take a picture of the cover and show it to us. :)
Dalin
NHunkele
This is a book I will surely buy for my granddaughters; not just for the
literary content but to brag about a passing acquaintance with the illustrator.
:)
Norma
Mikals9
sure it'll come back when the book is released.... I'll scan the cover and
make sure anyone who wants it gets it....
I just signed the artist release for the drawings.... I've had a few
things published before but this is the first time I've ever had to give up
the originals.... kind of hard to do, but I still have computer copies of
everything including the roughs.... it's the rules of the game.... she
says she'll have them framed and hang them in her office.... that's kind of
a neat thing.... that makes a hospital, two retirement homes, an
insurance office and a number of homes with things I've done.... golly
gee.... maybe someday I'll grow up to be a real artist afterall.... LOL....
"**Dalin**" <lj...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:404b86fd...@news.east.earthlink.net...
Mikals9
reasons I wanted to get involved with this was the type of book.... I'm not
sure if anything could make me happier then the thought of being a part of
something that could help someone at a time like that.... loss is hard
enough to deal with when you understand life but to have to deal with it at
an early age must be like the end of the world....
"NHunkele" <nhun...@aol.com.nh> wrote in message
news:20040305093219...@mb-m12.aol.com...
**Dalin**
I can't seem to get anywhere on your web page anymore. :(
Dalin
Mikals9
ago, their something I enjoy.... when I did the first one I loved the
responce to it, I never expected it to go over as well as it did and it's
really surprised me how many people collect them.... when mikals-hart first
came online all I heard was.... are you going to do anymore?? do you have
any others?? can you do one for me?? LOL.... so I just keep playing around
with it....
Mikals-hart is still under redesign, there was a problem with
co-ownership of the shagshoppe domain.... one of the owners died and the
site was moved from one server to another.... which has caused Slick (the
Webmistess) to rebuild all of the webpages starting with the oldest ones....
of course mikals-hart is the newest, so I'll be the last done.... but it
will go back up, new and improved.... I'm working on adding a coloring
book for people with children, that'll come later.... let them draw their
own.... I'll give them the base....
You asked a tough question, what else do I draw.... gawd.... thats a
hard one to answer, I think the best way would be to say I'm not an
artist.... by trade I'm a rendering artist.... I'm just a draftsman....
"**Dalin**" <lj...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:404cf807...@news.west.earthlink.net...
**Dalin**
That's really too bad about the problem with the web page. Sounds
like hard work to redo all the pages. Is that many?
Dalin
Mikals9
different rock and roll bands and each has a webpage and newsletter she
writes for them.... plus she's raising 2 teenage girls.... I figure I can
wait.... LOL.... she's talking about cutting back a little....
"**Dalin**" <lj...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:4050390f...@news.west.earthlink.net...
**Dalin**
bands can be notoriously difficult to handle. Bet she has to make a
lot of changes on their web pages. I hope your wait won't be too long
though. :)
Dalin
Mikals9
"**Dalin**" <lj...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:40502f9a...@news.west.earthlink.net...
DAE
A jokester and an Illustrator to boot? Gotta see some of your work, just
gotta.
I used to have a sense of humor also, but lost it somewhere and haven't
found it yet.
I studied Commercial Art many years ago in Chicago and then later in life I
studied Woodcarving both here in the States and for two weeks a year in
Germany with a Master Carver. Now I can't use anything sharp due to the
blood thinner I take. It is hard to stop the bleeding even on a small cut.
So carving is out.
Gotta see some of your work.
Also, your stories give me a belly ache from laughing, and for a man with a
belly like mine that almost is deadly:-))
Don and his Devil
"Mikals9" <OlderGoof...@Ease.com> wrote in message
news:psT1c.148656$hR.27...@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
Mikals9
a Master WoodCarver.... man that had to be great.... thats one thing I
always wished I had more time for.... I get to do some small pieces once in
a while, whenever I get the chance to get away it's the one thing I enjoy,
like you I give birth to the things I do by giving them my blood.... LOL....
I worked commerical art from the mid 70's into the 80's doing POP's and
exhibition displays for a place in Wisc.... we did so many different things,
it was years of just learning and I got to try everything you could name....
the guy I worked with, Luthor Williams had come out of Disney to start his
own business and really filled a gap before computers came in everyday
use.... From court room models to the design of hundreds of displays that
everyone sees but no one knows where they come from....
Couple of years ago I noticed a wall decoration called "Fishing Village"
in a little shoppe I was visiting.... it stuck in my mind for days, there
was just something about it that wouldn't let me alone.... then it dawned on
me.... in the late 70's I had done an exhibition display for a company named
Rupling Leather, this exhibit was in the St Louis manufactures fair....
someone had liked it so much that that they make a wall decoration out of
it.... of course it wasen't the 44 feet across that mine was.... since I
know where it came from I always thought it was pretty neat.... just wish I
would have thought of it first.... LOL.... its still being made....
I have a webpage thats being worked on right now, I'll let you know
when it's back up.... or I can send you a copy of the Fairy that was being
talked about.... the one that didn't have a name and became The Fixer Fairy
in the book I supplied the drawings for....
"DAE" <done...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:YLudnQ1RxPb...@comcast.com...
DAE
Let me know when your Web Page is up. I'd be interested to see the Fairy
also.
My e-mail addy is the same as I use on the Web.
Don and his Devil
"Mikals9" <OlderGoof...@Ease.com> wrote in message
news:VV63c.88407$aH3.2...@bgtnsc04-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
TexGal
who might benefit from it. I'm sure your lovely Fairies add much to the
book.
Donna
"Mikals9" <OlderGoof...@Ease.com> wrote in message
news:psT1c.148656$hR.27...@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
Mikals9
"TexGal" <tid...@pdq.net> wrote in message
news:c2j5c1$h...@library1.airnews.net...
> I'll be sure and look for the book when it comes out because I know
someone
> who might benefit from it. I'm sure your lovely Fairies add much to the
> book.
>
> Donna
>
a very hard time.... the drawing don't really add anything to it, they just
try to make it a little easier to get the ideas across....
Mikals9
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"DAE" <done...@comcast.net> wrote in message
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