Help?
Yoj
meeting, which means I have to tell a joke. I'd use Val's "Rose" joke,
except someone told it at last week's meeting.
Joy
Val Adams
that's the trouble with Inet jokes...here's one I havent seen used recently:
===========================================
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man
said, "Please God build me bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there anytime I
want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I
could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she giv! es me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
gruffydd
the widow and her daughter were walking the beach when a huge wave came in
and took the child away. The mother was distraught and she appealed to the
Lord, 'please give me back my child, she is all I have since you called
herFather my Husband.
another big wave came in and dumped the child on the beach at the side of
her mother, who checked her over for injury etc. She raised her head and
called to the Lord 'hey, she had on a hat!'
this one, not.
the man was in a small rowing boat in the middle of Loch Ness. he had been
there for quite a while when suddenly Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster reared
up out of the water and reached for him.
Scared out of his wits, he called on the Lord to save him.
Came a sonic boom, and a voice roared, 'and why should I for you have never
believed in Me?'
the man said, 'have a heart Lord. Until 2 minutes ago I never believed in
the monster, either!'
Yoj
news:bUOOd.2880$lz5....@newssvr24.news.prodigy.net...
Thanks, Val. That's a good one.
Joy
Yoj
news:o7POd.1708$tc1...@newsfe1-gui.ntli.net...
> this from a Jewish/Israel web site.
> the widow and her daughter were walking the beach when a huge wave came in
> and took the child away. The mother was distraught and she appealed to
the
> Lord, 'please give me back my child, she is all I have since you called
> herFather my Husband.
> another big wave came in and dumped the child on the beach at the side of
> her mother, who checked her over for injury etc. She raised her head and
> called to the Lord 'hey, she had on a hat!'
LOL!
> this one, not.
> the man was in a small rowing boat in the middle of Loch Ness. he had
been
> there for quite a while when suddenly Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster reared
> up out of the water and reached for him.
> Scared out of his wits, he called on the Lord to save him.
> Came a sonic boom, and a voice roared, 'and why should I for you have
never
> believed in Me?'
> the man said, 'have a heart Lord. Until 2 minutes ago I never believed in
> the monster, either!'
Not bad, but I like the other one better. <G>
Joy
gruffydd
off the top of my head. they are all in there the trick being retrieving
them
Jim Everman
> "gruffydd" <gruf...@prayer.com> wrote
>> . . . She raised her head and
>>called to the Lord 'hey, she had on a hat!'
>>the monster, either!'
>
> Not bad, but I like the other one better. <G>
>
> Joy
I liked the first one best too. Better than what I can come up with at
the moment anyway. Plus I've already heard most of the ones I know..
I need a short puzzle to attach to a travel bug named "Don't Strain
Your Brain." It is a miniature (food) strainer. I'm the first to move it
and I'd like to get it started on the right foot.
Geo Jim
david
stated...
> I need a short puzzle to attach to a travel bug named "Don't Strain
> Your Brain." It is a miniature (food) strainer. I'm the first to move it
> and I'd like to get it started on the right foot.
>
> Geo Jim
>
hi, jim,
give us a sample of what a 'short puzzle' would be. that may help us help
you.
david
--
_______________________________________
david dsk...@usa.net
Yoj
> Joy. I but try. quite pleased with myself, really, two like that straight
> off the top of my head. they are all in there the trick being retrieving
> them
Yes, that's my problem. I have hundreds, maybe thousands of jokes stored
away somewhere, but I can seldom retrieve one when I need it.
Joy
Sue
"Yoj" <joyga...@sbcglobal.net> wrote in message
news:oSOOd.3848$ZZ....@newssvr23.news.prodigy.net...
Wish I would have read this earlier. Stan is the joke connoisseur in the
family.
sue
>
>
Jim Everman
>
>> I need a short puzzle to attach to a travel bug named "Don't Strain
>>Your Brain." It is a miniature (food) strainer. I'm the first to move it
>>and I'd like to get it started on the right foot.
>> Geo Jim
>
> hi, jim,
> give us a sample of what a 'short puzzle' would be. that may help us help
> you.
> david
Glad you asked. Here's the bug's website:
<http://www.geocaching.com/track/details.aspx?guid=94a02448-2888-4e38-a4d7-f131fb51e9ef>
The bottom log entry is an example of the type puzzle I'm looking for.
Geo Jim
Yoj
news:8mUOd.11351$VP5....@fe61.usenetserver.com...
I like to keep a collection of jokes on hand, so the next time he gets a
chance, maybe he could send me some.
Joy
NHun...@aol.com
Can't think of any right off hand and don't know where my old puzzle
book is. Where's david when ya need him?
Norma
Arch (TX)
> If you need a laugh, read through these children's science exam answers.
> These are real answers given by children.
>
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
> like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
> Q: How is dew formed?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
>
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
> A: Keep it in the cow.
>
> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
> flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
> hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: What is artificial insemination?
> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
> abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
> heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E, I,
> O,and U.
>
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby.
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
> A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
>
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
--
Arch (San Antonio, Texas)
My Photo Galleries:
http://www.pbase.com/aanzjr
Yoj
Joy
"Arch (TX)" <aan...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:Z%YOd.5702$mG6....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
david
> Can't think of any right off hand and don't know where my old puzzle
> book is. Where's david when ya need him?
> Norma
>
hey, david's here... :-)) jim, here are a bunch of my old posts... some
are short, some long. i hope at least one fits your needs.
david
there were three men, named Dink, Knut, and Tex. Their professions are
poet, engineer and carpenter, but not necessarily in that order. The
following was found posted on the internet:
- Dink and the carpenter are on AFPF
- Knut and the carpenter are on AFPF
- Dink and Tex are both on AFPF along with the engineer
- The poet and the engineer are on AFPF along with Knut
- All are on AFPF
Can you identify which man has what profession? Oh, by the way, since
this
was a usenet post, as usual, only two of the five statements are correct.
Good luck!!
.....................................
Once upon a time, there was a small kingdom called Afifpeefee, deep
in the Australian Alps. The queen of this small kingdom was Queen
Toddy. Now, Toddy was so beautiful that all the subjects fondly
referred to her as Tantalizing Toddy. Now, Tantalizing Toddy had a
daughter of marrying age, Brunhilde. It was time for the mother-
daughter discussion of 'getting married'. So... Tantalizing Toddy
scheduled a meeting with her daughter, Brunhilde, on the subject of
men. Brunhilde, worried that mother may use the 'sex' word again,
nervously came to the meeting...
As the meeting started, Tantalizing Toddy mentioned there are three
types of men: 1) those who always tell the truth
2) those who always lie
3) those who sometimes lie and sometimes tell the
truth (i.e., normal people)
"Now, Brunhilde, I want to explain to you what type of man to marry.
First, don't marry a man who always tells the truth. These men are
impossible to live with. When the dinner is overcooked, they will
tell you. When your hair isn't right, they will tell you. Since
there are so many more things going wrong than right in life, they
will drive you crazy.
Second, don't marry a man who always lies. They will appear devious
and you will always know that what they say is not true.
So, darling daughter, marry a normal man. These men will overlook small
imperfections, tell you that you're beautiful when you're not, and be
generally more compatible in life.
"Before I give you permission to marry, the man of your choice must
convince me with a single sentence that he is normal."
On hearing this, Brunhilde knew her beau, Count Wolfgang Aroooouuu, to be
a normal man, but how to convince her mother? She ran to Wolfie's house
and cried into his arms, "Oh, Wolfie, whatever can you say in a single
sentence that will convince Tantalizing Toddy that you are a normal man?"
To this, Count Wolfgang (Wolfie) replied, "Have no fear, my Brunhilde,
for I know the single sentence to say that will convince Tantalizing
Toddy that I am a normal man."
What did Wolfie say to Tantalizing Toddy so that he would receive
permission to marry Brunhilde?
...........................................
mick goes to the weekly motorcycle swap meet and buys a wrench for $7. He
meets an interested person and sells the wrench for $8. later, he
realizes
the value of the wrench and buys it back for $9. before leaving the swap
meet, he sells the wrench for $10. How much profit did he earn?
...........................................
so, here's a different animal.... potatos...
you go to the market and buy a 100 pound bag of potatos. the label states
that they are 99% water. you leave them outside in the hot australian
sun
and the next day they are 98% water. the problem: what does the bag
weigh now that the potatos are somewhat dehydrated?
..............................................
you are in texas, looking for directions to JD's rancho problemas... you
come to an intersection and know the direction will either be to turn
left
or to turn right. there are two texans standing at the intersection...
(doing whatever texans do... drinking coors, lassoing cattle...
whatever..
<g>) -- one is from austin and folks from austin always tell the truth...
the other is from el paso and those folks always lie... (ok, ok... i'm
just having fun... but i need a truth teller and a liar....) anyway,
your problem is to ask ONE question to either of them and, from the
answer,
know whether to go LEFT or RIGHT. Hint: both of these texans know the
way
to rancho problemas... remember: one of them ALWAYS tells the truth and
the other one ALWAYS lies. and you don't know who is who... and you
can
ask just one question and to only one of them... so... WHAT is the
question?
.................................................
There are five people who posted on the newsgroup. Your challenge is to
identify their first and last names, their profession, and the sequence
of their posts (first through fifth.) NOTE: First names and last names
were selected from various people who post to this NG, but that was just
to add fun to the puzzle. i selected 5 first names and 5 last names, but
there is no relation here to any real person. First names are Joy, Jean,
Michael, Mikal, and Norma. Last Names are Everman, Wall, Compton, Tidwell
and Shirk. Here is the puzzlement:
1. The woman who is the gardener is not Norma and was the fourth to post.
Michael was third and Ms. Compton was second.
2. The first three to post were the doctor, Ms. Shirk, and Jean, but not
necessarily in that order.
3. Mr. Wall made a post about "obesity", but by the time the electrician
read the thread, the subject had changed to "Big Macs".
4. The plumber was not the first to post, but posted before Ms. Tidwell,
who had posted before Mikal.
.............................................
once upon a time, there was this fella, Mick, a brit who decided to
operate
a motorcycle repair shop -- Mick's Motorcycle Madness Mechanics. he
figured
that he would need a minimum of 3 workers per day to stay in business. He
would be available all days. and... his dear bride, Wendy, declared a
basic
rule: the shop would be closed on sunday... she needs him to do household
chores and stuff at least that one day a week...
mick hired a staff of part-timers...
- wolfie, who could show up mondays, wednesday, and fridays
- norma, who doesn't work wednesdays
- loes, who can only work tuesdays and wednesdays...
- bobbie, who cannot work fridays
- dink, who is available anytime except the first thursday or monday of
the
month.
Question: what day or days of a month can Mick NOT do business, other
than
the sundays, when Wendy insists that the shop be closed?
..........................................
ok, here's a basic one...
a close friend says to you, "everything I say is a lie"
is this person telling the truth or lying?
......................................
our friend toddy is about to make a 6 day hike across a barren part of
australia. no food or water will be available except what is carried. she
figures that a person can carry no more than 4 days' supply of food and
water. how many helpers must accompany her such that she can complete the
6
day hike with sufficient food and water to complete the trip?
........................................
back in grammar school -- or jr. high.. whatever... you probably studied
triangles... (those are symbols with 3 sides... unlike squares or
rectangles or trapezoids... <g>) -- and in school you learned that
triangles all had 180 degrees if you added the degrees of each of the 3
angles... well, our dear depraved david is thinking of a triangle
where
two of the angles are at 90%.... how could this be?... is he drinking
too much George Dickel? or is he onto something?
........................................
a handsome man (who happens to be named david) is riding his trusty
motorsickle and carrying a bag of chocolate over his shoulder. He arrives
at a river to cross and there is a small boat. The boat is only big
enough for david and either the motorsickle or the chocolates...
suddenly, a wolf approaches david and says "yo, bubba, how'za bout
takin' me across the river? after all, i only have paws and couldn't
steer the boat.... "
david eyes him cautiously... after all, who would trust a wolf? and he
notices the wolf eyeing the motorsicle and the chocolates... david ain't
stupid... if he takes the motorsicle across first, the wolf will eat the
chocolate.. if he takes the chocolate across, the wolf will steal the
motorsickle.. so.... here's the puzzlement...
being a good person, david decides to take the wolf and the motorsickle
and the chocolates to the other side of the river. Knowing the
limitations of the boat.. being able to carry only david and one of wolf,
motorsickle or chocolate... how does he do it?
Yes, there are several alternative solutions... drown the wolf, shoot the
wolf, sell the chocolates, etc., etc.... but david is looking for a
proper solution to the puzzlement.... :-))
...................................
you are with three other people - one always tells the truth and the
other
two alternate between telling the truth and lying - they switch each time
they are asked a question. the persons are A, B, and C. you are to ask
not more than three questions in total to identify each of the three.
...............................................
we have 3 persons, each wearing a different color and each with a
different
hobby. persons: graham, blake, carol. colors: green, orange, black.
hobbies: pig farm, collects cigarette butts, paints old beer cans.
1. graham isn't the one who wears green nor the one who paints beer cans
2. the person who has a pig farm (who isn't carol) doesn't wear black
3. the woman who wears orange likes pizza.
so.... identify everyone by color and hobby... :-))
.........................................
In the small AFPF village in the Internet forest, chocolate is more
valuable than gold and honor is highly regarded. ALso, all the women are
close friends and loyal to Jane and Marian, because Jane and Marian have
the largest stash of chocolate on the planet. All the husbands know that
if they steal any of the Jane/Marian stash, they will be murdered in
their sleep by their wife. So, most men try to find happiness with
peanut butter cookies and avoid letting chocolate tempt them.
Also, the women are constant gossips. If a woman discovers a man to be a
chocolate stealer from the J/M stash, either on her own or through
others, all other married women will know of this fact within hours --
except the wife of the disloyal man.
Then, one day a fortune teller came to the village and revealed the name
or names of men who had been disloyal and had stolen chocolate. This news
quickly spread as stated above. Every married woman knew that at least
one husband had been disloyal, and also knew the names, except if her
husband were on the list. None of the women could be sure how many men
were involved, knowing only the names of those men who were other than
their husbands.
For a week, nothing happened. No man was murdered in his sleep.
Then, on the eighth morning after the fortune teller came, the police
were called to pick up the dead. How many men were dead?
..............................................
You are wanting to take your 1953 whizzer motorbike to MAW's motorcycle
shop, having heard that they can make it sound like a harley and attract
lots of wimmin... you arrive at an intersection where the road splits 3
ways... left, center, right... fortunately, there is Marian's Bar and
Grill and Chocolate Shoppe at the intersection. you enter and ask for
help. marian tells you that she no longer rides a harley and has
forgotten the way to the shop. however, she tells you that she has 10
regulars at the bar, drinking pints and chewing chocolate bars... she
tells you that only 5 know where the motorcycle shop is. she also tells
you that 5 always tell the truth and 5 always lie, but she doesn't know
which is which. however, the 10 regulars know each other well and they
each know who lies, who tells the truth and which 5 know the way to MAW's
motorcycle shop. at marian's request, they line up in a row and each, in
turn, whispers their instruction to you. the whisper is just loud enough
for the person next to them to hear their instruction. their
instructions are:
1) Take the left road
2) Take the right road
3) Don't take the middle road
4) Take the right road
5) Don't take the right road
6) Take the middle road
7) Don't take the left road
8) Take the left road
9) Take the middle road
10) Don't take the left road
problem: which road do you take?
--
_______________________________________
david dsk...@usa.net
Jime
at the moment. I'll pick one later. I didn't see any about geocachers..
Thanks (I think).
Geo Jim
Jean B.
> Yes, that's my problem. I have hundreds, maybe thousands of jokes stored
> away somewhere, but I can seldom retrieve one when I need it.
>
> Joy
Sounds like me and my recipes. <g>
--
Jean B.