Re: (Kids Story Revision) Ghost Deer (705 words)
Paul Heide
"Wind River" <wind_...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message > X-No-Archive: yes
>
> GHOST DEER
> by Wind River
> snip
Hi Sue,
You certainly captured the feel of the forest. Your writing put
pictures in my head.
>Yahto's father saw his son in the distance, ran to him, and brought him
>to the fire for warmth. He held the child close and spoke softly,
>asking how he'd found his way home.
I felt there could have been a bit more emotion here,
and, perhaps, direct speech from the father:
"How did you find your way, my son?"
> (I realize the change from an active story to someone telling a story
> within the story is a bit odd, but I wanted to get a "telling stories
> around the campfire" feel.)
You did create that feeling and I think it works well, but I felt that
the direct speech from the old lady was a bit too formal to sound
entirely natural.
Just my thoughts. Nice story.
Paul.
Tiara
Thank you Sue,
This is a very pretty fairy tale. I loved the way you described the
scenery.
I think this would make a nice movie.
Tiara
EscritorFeliz
like the feathed man.
You let us know the preternatural's at play with the ghost deer, and
hint something's different about this man. He's silent and meets the
boy when he's half-asleep. I didn't guess he'd disappear, but I wasn't
surprised either. I like that--unexpected expectation.
> ...the man lifted Yahto onto his shoulders and carried him until
> they neared the camp. Yahto's father saw his son in the distance...
I imagined this as: Yahto's carried until close to camp. He's put down
when his father sees him.
Based on what happens later, I suppose I should have imagined: Yahto's
carried until close to camp. He's put down, walks on, and a moment
later his father sees him.
Both interpretations are valid based on the text. Is it possible to
lead readers towards the latter without giving away your trick?
> The old woman touched the sleeping child, Yahto, on the head as she left
> the fire's silent circle. She walked toward the birch forest.
If he's sleeping, who sees her walk into the forest? Changing
perspectives in the last sentence is jarring.
> (I realize the change from an active story to someone telling a story
> within the story is a bit odd, but I wanted to get a "telling stories
> around the campfire" feel.)
You handled that transition masterfully; the vocabulary is appropriate
for children, and I felt a campfire mood beyond the literal one. :)
- Feliz
Wind River
Thank you, Tiara. My original version was done for an AFO challenge, but
it's been edited a lot since then. I plan to illustrate it at some
point. It's just a matter of finding time ... Thanks, again.
-Sue
Wind River
>
> A well-written, delightful tale. I suspect you're more than you seem,
> like the feathed man.
Gulp!
> You let us know the preternatural's at play with the ghost deer, and
> hint something's different about this man. He's silent and meets the
> boy when he's half-asleep. I didn't guess he'd disappear, but I wasn't
> surprised either. I like that--unexpected expectation.
Thank you.
> > ...the man lifted Yahto onto his shoulders and carried him until
> > they neared the camp. Yahto's father saw his son in the distance...
>
> I imagined this as: Yahto's carried until close to camp. He's put down
> when his father sees him.
>
> Based on what happens later, I suppose I should have imagined: Yahto's
> carried until close to camp. He's put down, walks on, and a moment
> later his father sees him.
>
> Both interpretations are valid based on the text. Is it possible to
> lead readers towards the latter without giving away your trick?
The latter is what I had in mind. I'll work on it.
> > The old woman touched the sleeping child, Yahto, on the head as she left
> > the fire's silent circle. She walked toward the birch forest.
>
> If he's sleeping, who sees her walk into the forest? Changing
> perspectives in the last sentence is jarring.
I wondered about that. The whole story kind of shifts perspective, but I
kind of like it because it's different, but I'm not sure about it. And
sometimes I think I should do it in a way that the woman questions Yahto
and brings the story out that way, but then it would lose the native
storytelling effect and ... oh gosh, I don't what I'm doing as a writer;
I just write what I "see" and "feel". That's why I need you guys.
> > (I realize the change from an active story to someone telling a story
> > within the story is a bit odd, but I wanted to get a "telling stories
> > around the campfire" feel.)
>
> You handled that transition masterfully; the vocabulary is appropriate
> for children, and I felt a campfire mood beyond the literal one. :)
Thank you, Feliz. I appreciate the feedback and will work on that
jarring sentence.
-Sue
Pensandpad
<snip>
the buck was difficult to find for he never moved within a herd.
Do some deer really choose not to herd? Interesting.
Wind River
>
> A painting.
It's going to be in colored pencil, watercolor, and a ink. The rough
sketch for it was done last year. :)
> the buck was difficult to find for he never moved within a herd.
>
> Do some deer really choose not to herd? Interesting.
I've seen lone deer, but I was going after a supernatural feel with it
here -- making the deer different in a subtle way.
Sue