{Story} Dreamwalking {800 words}
simpson
Egad <eg...@sbcglobal.invalid> wrote in message
news:SJt7a.739$Iv5.18...@newssvr12.news.prodigy.com...
> X-No-archive: yes
>
> Not sure why.
>
> FWIW
>
> Dreamwalking
> Egad
May I?
>
> They sat atop
This is only personal but I don't like the word 'atop' it seems stuffy. And
with a bit of imagination you can do better than 'on top of'
the cliff watching the sunrise over the ocean and practiced
> their contented sighs. He looked at the woman nestled under his arm and
> found her dark eyes peering back at him. They kissed.
>
> Roland let go of his love, stood up and headed to the edge of the cliff.
> The cool wind coming off the ocean blew his long dark hair back and
rustled
> the small flap of hide that was his only clothing. With a quick look
back,
> he winked at his companion and jumped off the edge. Body spread-eagle, he
> felt the air rushing past. The drop looked impossibly far. Panic mounted
> as the water's surface rushed toward him.
Okay you've got my interest.
>
> He landed on his feet without noticing any impact. Standing on the
surface
> of the water, he realized he must be dreaming. The familiar sensation of
> being aware, but not in charge came over him and he relaxed, letting
himself
> go with the dream.
>
> The tops of the waves tickled his feet as he strode out further. Soon he
> stopped and knelt in an area calmer than the surrounding waters. Reaching
> into the waves, he scooped out large chunks of the sea. The hole remained
> where he dug.
Ooh I like this nice imagery.
This didn't surprise him in the least. The liquid he removed
> obediently stayed in a pile where it fell.
>
> When the hole was of sufficient depth, he stopped and waited. It did not
> take long for a flash of silver to appear as a fish broke through the side
> of the hole and flopped about on the bottom. He sat this way for hours as
> the sun climbed up, heating his tanned skin. Once the hole was filled
with
> fish
I like this I think it's the perfect example of 'painting' a story I can see
each image as I read it. Lovely.
he reached around to his back where he found a burlap sack tucked into
> the waistband of his loincloth. After placing the fish into the bag, he
> began his journey back to the shore.
>
> He walked over the breaking waves and onto the beach where his companion,
> Sirah, sat arranging sticks in a fire pit. She looked up from her labor
and
> smiled at him. Her straight dark hair danced in the ocean breeze. She
wore
> a flowered red sarong that showed tan shoulders and lithe figure.
>
> Suddenly, there was a horrible noise. A large, yellow bulldozer backed
> through the tree line just above the beach. The beeping noise of the
> tractor grew louder as it approached.
How intrusive.
>
> Roland sat up in bed and reached out to shut off the annoying beep of his
> alarm clock. Wisps of the dream still swirled through his head. He
looked
> around the room to orient himself as the last vestiges of the contentment
he
> felt in the dream fell away. It was Monday, time to get ready for work.
> Sarah wasn't in bed. She always got up before him without the aid of an
> alarm.
I don't like the waking from dream stories, they are only marginally better
than the 'Oh it was all a dream' story. But I'm enjoying this anyway and
think it might be good enough to persuade me. I don't mean the story good
enough I mean the waking from a dream idea.
>
> He stumbled out of the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, where
Sarah
> sat drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Her white terry-cloth robe
> hung off her winter-pale thigh. Hearing him shuffle in, she looked up.
He
> was almost surprised to see her green eyes look out at him from under her
> red hair.
>
> "Morning sweetie, sleep well?"
>
> He yawned before answering.
>
> "Yeah, I guess. I had a crazy dream though."
>
> Looking back down at the paper, she asked, "Oh yeah, what about?"
>
> A loud clunk came from the toaster beside him. Two golden brown slices
sat
> in the slots atop the shiny, chrome machine.
Nice, normal domesticity well described.
>
> Sarah's voice broke his early morning stare at the toast.
>
> "Could you bring me one of those Honey? The other one is yours."
>
> He grabbed a couple of plates from the cabinet, put the toast onto them
and
> poured himself a cup of coffee before heading over to take a seat at the
> table across from his wife.
>
> "So, what was your dream about?"
>
> He had almost forgotten that he had dreamt anything at all.
>
> "Oh yeah, I don't remember much of it. You were there. Well, it was you,
> but it wasn't, you know?"
>
> Her eyes glanced up from her paper, but she didn't say anything.
>
> "I mean it was you, but you looked different. You were like a tropical
> island girl, but it was still you."
>
> She smiled at him over the edge of the paper. "Looking to trade me in on
a
> Hawaiian tropic girl?" She laughed.
>
> "Only if it would make me able to walk on water, I could do that in the
> dream too."
>
> "Well, good luck with that."
>
> She went back to her paper and he finished his toast before heading to the
> shower. By the time he was ready to leave for work, he had forgotten
about
> the dream entirely.
>
> He stepped outside, heading toward his car. The wind was cold and strong
it
> smelled of rain. There were only a few yard separating the door of the
> house and the car parked at the curb. He took off across the yard,
walking
> fast, when the first raindrops hit.
>
> Roland woke up. The rain pounded on the slat roof of the hut. Water
> dripped through a small gap in the boards and landed on his head. Sirah
> stirred beside him.
>
> "Are you OK?" Her voice was still thick with sleep
>
> "Yeah, I just had the strangest dream."
>
>
> I thought that was going to happen. I've written the same story only mine
was about a horny ferret :-) Very well written. The first para didn't really
do anything for me ..well that is until he flew. Nice one.
Sooz
Egad
Thanks for the read and crit. I agree that the whole waking frm a dream
story has been done to death. For me this was an exercise. I have an idea
that would involve a lot of dream sequences and was just wondering if I
could pull off the ethereal dream quality. I had mixed feelings about the
result.
I concentrated a lot on trying to paint the images. Usually I am more
concerned with action and dialog and I have realized that is to my
detriment. I didn't want to neglect a very important part of the story. I
am glad you commented on that.
Thanks again for reading.
Egad
"simpson" <sooz...@virgin.net> wrote in message
news:b3m4gk$1n86od$1...@ID-184747.news.dfncis.de...
Egad
I am glad that you read and enjoyed this. Your comments will help smooth
this up quite a bit I believe.
It seems that the initial opinion is to axe the first paragraph. I must
admit to having become infatuated with my own voice for a moment when I
wrote it. I really like the practicing their contented sighs line which
makes me want to keep it. Now, I will practice my resigned sigh and
probably cut it.
Thanks for reading
Egad
"Wind River" <wind...@voyager.net> wrote in message
news:3E5ECC98...@voyager.net...
> X-No-archive: yes
>
> Commenting as I read.
>
> > Dreamwalking
> > Egad
> >
Fedallah
Am slammed with stuff at the moment, and will get to this soon...
hopefully tommorrow morning at the latest. Just wanted to say you
must've done something right with this piece to get Little Fuckwit's
jealousy so up and on full display for all to see. Bravo.
Rick
--
"Some drink up all the wine, some opiate the time
no one's hands are free from crime
here in Barrington Hall"
-Claypool's Frog Brigade
Seymour Grass
"Fedallah" <pro_g...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:g5C7a.5693$Wl3.5...@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
| Hey Eric :)
|
| Am slammed with stuff at the moment, and will get to this soon...
| hopefully tommorrow morning at the latest. Just wanted to say you
| must've done something right with this piece to get Little Fuckwit's
How's that ear? Looking for another good whack from my old pal, JHVH? ;-)
| must've done something right with this piece to get Little Fuckwit's
Such mature, considered, writerly usage goes a long way toward establishing
credibility . . .
"When you are so disingenuous as to apply such words in a case where they
simply cannot apply, then a precedent of mendacity is established, so
that any reader of medium intelligence is already on guard against whatever
other tricks of mendacity you may have up your sleeve, such as in the absurd
distortion which follows . . .
| jealousy
Such traffic in hallucinations and delusions is typical of the sort
described in the former post . . .
"The most pathologically neurotic narcissists among you will deny
it, as on that account, you won't amount to a hill of crap due to that very
lack of personal honesty which is the first requirement for good writing."
Truly. It's downright pathological. And how they do smart when they get it
back, tit for tat -- and it all seems sooooo unfair.
You poor thing.
--
JP David http://jpdavid.freewebspace.com/
http://www.virtualtourist.com/m/520b8/
"Nothing can be more contemptible than to suppose Public Records to be True.
Read them & judge, if you are not a Fool," -- William Blake, *Marginalia*
jpg-writer
I liked your story and agree with a lot of what Sue had to say. Comments
below:
>
> They sat atop the cliff watching the sunrise over the ocean and practiced
> their contented sighs. He looked at the woman nestled under his arm and
> found her dark eyes peering back at him. They kissed.
I think the story has a stronger, more natural opening beginning with the
2nd paragraph.
> Roland let go of his love, stood up and headed to the edge of the cliff.
> The cool wind coming off the ocean blew his long dark hair back
take out the word back, it's implied
and rustled
> the small flap of hide that was his only clothing. With a quick look
back,
> he winked at his companion and jumped off the edge. Body spread-eagle, he
> felt the air rushing past.
The drop looked impossibly far. Panic mounted
> as the water's surface rushed toward him.
These too sentences could be saying more to further your imagery. Maybe...
"The water below squirmed into focus, as it's surface rushed toward him."
should he feel panic? He intentionally jumped off as though it's normal to
do so.
> He landed on his feet without noticing any impact. Standing on the
surface
> of the water, he realized he must be dreaming. The familiar sensation of
> being aware, but not in charge, came over him and he relaxed, letting
himself
> go with the dream.
>
> The tops of the waves tickled his feet as he strode out further. Soon he
> stopped and knelt in an area calmer than the surrounding waters. Reaching
> into the waves, he scooped out large chunks of the sea. The hole remained
> where he dug. This didn't surprise him in the least. The liquid he
removed
> obediently stayed in a pile where it fell.
Great description.
> When the hole was of sufficient depth, he stopped and waited. It did not
> take long for a flash of silver to appear as a fish broke through the side
> of the hole and flopped about on the bottom. He sat this way for hours as
> the sun climbed up, heating his tanned skin. Once the hole was filled
with
> fish he reached around to his back where he found a burlap sack tucked
into
> the waistband of his loincloth. After placing the fish into the bag, he
> began his journey back to the shore.
>
> He walked over the breaking waves and onto the beach where his companion,
> Sirah, sat arranging sticks in a fire pit. She looked up from her labor
and
> smiled at him. Her straight dark hair danced in the ocean breeze. She
wore
> a flowered red sarong that showed tan shoulders and lithe figure.
>
> Suddenly, there was a horrible noise. A large, yellow bulldozer backed
> through the tree line just above the beach. The beeping noise of the
> tractor grew louder as it approached.
Instead of suddenly, perhaps he could have a gradual awareness of the
noise--this
could ease the reader into the waking up part. Roland would fumble for the
off
switch while watching the beach/trees disolve in the daylight.
>
> Roland sat up in bed and reached out to shut off the annoying beep of his
> alarm clock. Wisps of the dream still swirled through his head. He
looked
> around the room to orient himself as the last vestiges of the contentment
he
> felt in the dream fell away. It was Monday, time to get ready for work.
> Sarah wasn't in bed. She always got up before him without the aid of an
> alarm.
>
> He stumbled out of the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, where
Sarah
> sat drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Her white terry-cloth robe
> hung off her winter-pale thigh. Hearing him shuffle in, she looked up.
He
> was almost surprised to see her green eyes look out at him from under her
> red hair.
>
> "Morning sweetie, sleep well?"
>
> He yawned before answering.
>
> "Yeah, I guess. I had a crazy dream though."
>
> Looking back down at the paper, she asked, "Oh yeah, what about?"
>
> A loud clunk came from the toaster beside him. Two golden brown slices
sat
> in the slots atop the shiny, chrome machine.
>
> Sarah's voice broke his early morning stare at the toast.
>
> "Could you bring me one of those Honey? The other one is yours."
>
> He grabbed a couple of plates from the cabinet, put the toast onto them
and
> poured himself a cup of coffee before heading over to take a seat at the
> table across from his wife.
>
> "So, what was your dream about?"
>
> He had almost forgotten that he had dreamt anything at all.
>
> "Oh yeah, I don't remember much of it. You were there. Well, it was you,
> but it wasn't, you know?"
>
> Her eyes glanced up from her paper, but she didn't say anything.
>
> "I mean it was you, but you looked different. You were like a tropical
> island girl, but it was still you."
>
> She smiled at him over the edge of the paper. "Looking to trade me in on
a
> Hawaiian tropic girl?" She laughed.
Hawaiian references and images were made several times already in his dream.
I would
break it up. "Looking to trade me in for a sexier model?"
>
> "Only if it would make me able to walk on water, I could do that in the
> dream too."
>
> "Well, good luck with that."
>
> She went back to her paper and he finished his toast before heading to the
> shower. By the time he was ready to leave for work, he had forgotten
about
> the dream entirely.
>
> He stepped outside, heading toward his car. The wind was cold and strong
it
> smelled of rain. There were only a few yard separating the door of the
> house and the car parked at the curb. He took off across the yard,
walking
> fast, when the first raindrops hit.
>
> Roland woke up. The rain pounded on the slat roof of the hut. Water
> dripped through a small gap in the boards and landed on his head. Sirah
> stirred beside him.
>
> "Are you OK?" Her voice was still thick with sleep
>
> "Yeah, I just had the strangest dream."
Nice twist at the end, I like how you slipped into it so naturally. That's
exactly how the
first dream/waking transition should be.
Very enjoyable.
-Judie
>
Egad
Thanks for the read and crit. I agree with you on the Hawaii reference and
also the dream transition. Good crit and I am glad you enjoyed the story. I
learn a little more every time I post something here.
Thanks again
Egad
"jpg-writer" <jga...@nc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:b3o6be$1o5s7p$1...@ID-182716.news.dfncis.de...
Egad
Thanks for the read and crit. I never thought of the long hair being a
housewife fantasy thing. I pictured the modern world version of this guy as
a pudgy balding fellow. I just figured that he would have hair in his
dream, as much as he could. As for the name Roland, it was a character in a
swords and sorcery book I read and it was the first to pop into mind. It
doesn't fit as well as it could though. Good call.
Just to clarify something for those that might read this. The original
thought behind this story is a little more than a dream within a dream. In
my mind, both of these people exist. The dream is a brief sharing of
consciousness between two people in alternate realities. I know that there
is no way that could come across in this story, but it is the basis for a
possible longer work. FWIW.
Thanks agian for reading
Egad
"grizzellda" <gr1z...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:b3o7f1$1ojaqt$1...@ID-180193.news.dfncis.de...
> X-No-archive: yes
>
>
> "Egad" <eg...@sbcglobal.invalid> wrote in message
> news:SJt7a.739$Iv5.18...@newssvr12.news.prodigy.com...
> >
> >
> > Not sure why.
> >
> > FWIW
> >
> > Dreamwalking
> > Egad
> >
> > They sat atop the cliff watching the sunrise over the ocean and
practiced
> > their contented sighs. He looked at the woman nestled under his arm and
> > found her dark eyes peering back at him. They kissed.
> >
>
> A pretty picture.
>
> > Roland let go of his love, stood up and headed to the edge of the cliff.
> > The cool wind coming off the ocean blew his long dark hair back and
> rustled
> > the small flap of hide that was his only clothing. With a quick look
> back,
> > he winked at his companion and jumped off the edge. Body spread-eagle,
he
> > felt the air rushing past. The drop looked impossibly far. Panic
mounted
> > as the water's surface rushed toward him.
> >
>
> long dark hair... is this a horny housewife dream? Okay, I read it
allready,
> but that the description of *Roland* and long dark hair and the really
> romantic language reminded me of *women's* fiction. Not that that's a bad
> thing.
> And because I didn't stumble over anything to nit pick, I will just go on
to
> say that the rest of the story really works for me. Don't like the name
> Roland for an islander, but you're the writer and I only thought of it
> after. The story really resonates with that dream within a dream thing and
> it's got a kind of mystical tone I find appealing. The fish hole was...
> well, was it to the bottom of the lake? Might be interesting to describe
> water swirling around, not letting the fish back in... Just a thought.
> Thanks for sharing. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
>
> grizzellda
>
> --
> "Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
> And well go where the chalk-white arrows go,
> For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
> The place where the sidewalk ends."
> From WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS by Shel Silverstein
>
> > He landed on his feet without noticing any impact. Standing on the
> surface
> > of the water, he realized he must be dreaming. The familiar sensation
of
> > being aware, but not in charge came over him and he relaxed, letting
> himself
> > go with the dream.
> >
> > The tops of the waves tickled his feet as he strode out further. Soon
he
> > stopped and knelt in an area calmer than the surrounding waters.
Reaching
> > into the waves, he scooped out large chunks of the sea. The hole
remained
> > where he dug. This didn't surprise him in the least. The liquid he
> removed
> > obediently stayed in a pile where it fell.
> >
> > When the hole was of sufficient depth, he stopped and waited. It did
not
> > take long for a flash of silver to appear as a fish broke through the
side
> > of the hole and flopped about on the bottom. He sat this way for hours
as
> > the sun climbed up, heating his tanned skin. Once the hole was filled
> with
> > fish he reached around to his back where he found a burlap sack tucked
> into
> > the waistband of his loincloth. After placing the fish into the bag, he
> > began his journey back to the shore.
> >
> > He walked over the breaking waves and onto the beach where his
companion,
> > Sirah, sat arranging sticks in a fire pit. She looked up from her labor
> and
> > smiled at him. Her straight dark hair danced in the ocean breeze. She
> wore
> > a flowered red sarong that showed tan shoulders and lithe figure.
> >
> > Suddenly, there was a horrible noise. A large, yellow bulldozer backed
> > through the tree line just above the beach. The beeping noise of the
> > tractor grew louder as it approached.
> >
grizzellda
"Egad" <eg...@sbcglobal.invalid> wrote in message
> Hey Grizz,
>
> Thanks for the read and crit. I never thought of the long hair being a
> housewife fantasy thing. I pictured the modern world version of this guy
as
> a pudgy balding fellow. I just figured that he would have hair in his
> dream, as much as he could. As for the name Roland, it was a character in
a
> swords and sorcery book I read and it was the first to pop into mind. It
> doesn't fit as well as it could though. Good call.
>
I was thinking of Larenzo Lamas or Fabio. It's just me. Pay no mind. But, I
don't recall a description of him except for the first sequence.
> Just to clarify something for those that might read this. The original
> thought behind this story is a little more than a dream within a dream.
In
> my mind, both of these people exist. The dream is a brief sharing of
> consciousness between two people in alternate realities. I know that
there
> is no way that could come across in this story, but it is the basis for a
> possible longer work. FWIW.
>
> Thanks agian for reading
>
> Egad
>
Actually, it does come across a bit.
Alaric
substantial bite at the end. Not exactly sure what I mean by that, so it's
not really very helpful, but it felt like the end didn't quite match the
beauties and oddities - just love the hole in the water and the trapped
fish. And now I think, I do know what it is. This feels like a start. The
bulldozer and the tractor have to be followed up, for one thing. But I see
this guy bouncing between for at least 2,000 words more.
--
"I shall hang the world around my neck
And walk
I shall adorn myself with innocent cities
And stroll in Wisdom
Buddhist Spartan Hindu Zoroastrian
Wounded, my heart is inundated with memory of the future."
Siham Jabbar, My Journey.
MerryKat
>
> X-No-archive: yes
>
> Not sure why.
Cause you like it too much to cast it adrift on the perpetual sea of the
internet?
>
> FWIW
>
> Dreamwalking
> Egad
>
Hey Egad,
Right off, I couldn't resist the title. ;->
> They sat atop the cliff watching the sunrise over the ocean and practiced
> their contented sighs. He looked at the woman nestled under his arm and
> found her dark eyes peering back at him. They kissed.
>
Great opener. What's the sunrise look like?
> Roland let go of his love, stood up and headed to the edge of the cliff.
> The cool wind coming off the ocean blew his long dark hair back and rustled
> the small flap of hide that was his only clothing. With a quick look back,
> he winked at his companion and jumped off the edge. Body spread-eagle, he
> felt the air rushing past. The drop looked impossibly far. Panic mounted
> as the water's surface rushed toward him.
>
What's he smell? Hear?
> He landed on his feet without noticing any impact. Standing on the surface
> of the water, he realized he must be dreaming. The familiar sensation of
> being aware, but not in charge came over him and he relaxed, letting himself
> go with the dream.
>
Nice description.
> The tops of the waves tickled his feet as he strode out further. Soon he
> stopped and knelt in an area calmer than the surrounding waters. Reaching
> into the waves, he scooped out large chunks of the sea. The hole remained
> where he dug. This didn't surprise him in the least. The liquid he removed
> obediently stayed in a pile where it fell.
>
Very nice.
>
> Suddenly, there was a horrible noise. A large, yellow bulldozer backed
> through the tree line just above the beach. The beeping noise of the
> tractor grew louder as it approached.
>
What kind of horrible noise? I think you can play a little loose and
give us a grinding crunch or something, rather than just saying the
noise was horrible. Something descriptive would be more startling.
I think if you meditate on Sue's challenge requirements and give this
another go it would be even stronger. ;->
>
> He stepped outside, heading toward his car. The wind was cold and strong it
> smelled of rain. There were only a few yard separating the door of the
> house and the car parked at the curb. He took off across the yard, walking
> fast, when the first raindrops hit.
>
You forgot an s on yard(s) there?
> Roland woke up. The rain pounded on the slat roof of the hut. Water
> dripped through a small gap in the boards and landed on his head. Sirah
> stirred beside him.
>
> "Are you OK?" Her voice was still thick with sleep
>
> "Yeah, I just had the strangest dream."
Maybe a bit more formal in those last two line? Yes instead of 'yeah',
all right instead of 'OK'. The word choices, as is, throw us back to
the kitchen. I'd like a more neutral end. Would make me wonder more,
if you catch my drift.
Wonderful, E. Love the story. The only thing I could ask is a little
more description and atmosphere. What does the sunrise look like?
Etc... I think you could sprinkle in some description and still keep a
small word limit.
And that's just a loose suggestion. ;->
Thanks for posting.
MerryKat
Egad
I was looking for places to add a little bit more scenery and description
without being too obtrusive and I think you have found a couple. Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed ait and even more glad that you chose to read and critique.
Thanks again.
Egad
"MerryKat" <bmer...@prodigy.net> wrote in message
news:3E5FBD06...@prodigy.net...