[RP] Walter (2188 words)
Allegory60
contributions. I thank you all for your suggestions]
The Strange Case of Walter Better
The young nurse dropped the empty bedpan and ran from the room.
"Call the head nurse," she yelled. "There's a man in 1214!"
"A man?" said the other nurse. "In maternity?"
"A very old one too--by the looks of him. Someone in ICU must've lost a
patient."
"Uh oh. Old Fussfeathers will lay an egg over this."
Head Nurse Abrams turned the corner with a bulldog stride and a face like a
pro wrestler. "What's all the hubbub?" The two nurses looked at each
other and back at Abrams. "West, you're whiter than your uniform. What the
hell is it?"
"It's--just an old man in 1214, Nurse Abrams. I have no idea--."
"Another prank from those fresh pricks downstairs, eh? We'll see about this."
And she stormed off down the hall, with the two nurses following.
Entrance to the room in question proved the truth of the alarm--a wispy
gray--haired man lay in a coma, where Mrs. Yelah had just been given her
newborn son. There was no sign of mother and baby.
"Dammit West! Page Doctor Samuels STAT. And get Wilson in here too. This
man belongs in emergency--I can barely get a pulse. AND FIND MRS.YELAH!"
The nurses scurried out of the room and paged excitedly for the doctor on
duty. After a brief examination, the old man was taken downstairs to intensive
care.
"What do you make of that?" Samuels asked Nurse Abrams.
"It's those idiot interns down on four--I'm sure of it. This time they've
gone too far. If they've taken that woman and her baby somewhere,by
God,I'll--."
"This man isn't going to make it, Abrams. I doubt they'd risk a patient's
life--it's some mix up. The mother and child are probably walking the halls
somewhere. The old codger didn't have a chart, but was wearing a gown, so he's
obviously a patient here."
---
A search for the missing woman and her baby turned up nothing.
Jill West, the nurse who made the discovery, came to ICU after her shift to
ask about him.
"We have him on sedatives with Morphine. He's a John Doe. No records
anywhere. Any idea how he got into maternity?" asked the ICU nurse.
"None," said Jill. "He has such a kind face, I just hope I didn't shock his
heart when I dropped the bedpan. How old do you think he is?"
"Oh, eighty, anyway. Hard to tell, you know, but eighty, that's what we put
on his chart. Doctor Wilson says, at his age the ticker's about gone, probably
won't make it until morning."
"Well, take good care of him, will you nurse? Since I found him, I feel
somewhat responsible."
---
The old man's condition improved daily. When he came out of the coma, his
vital signs were strong, and they transferred him to another ward.
"No name, no history, poor man. He doesn't speak, just smiles at us,
especially when we feed him. Doesn't seem to be able to handle a spoon, even."
"I'd like to stop in and see him," said Jill.
"Sure. See Phyllis on three. They have him up there for observation."
The old patient was propped up facing the window. He sat with a look of
wonder, watching the sun play on the trees. Jill took his pulse and he smiled
up at her with questioning eyes.
"Hello. I'm Jill West, the nurse that found you upstairs. You have a good,
strong pulse. I'm glad you're doing better."
"B--better," he said.
"Oh, so you can talk? Well, now that's good progress, very good." She took
his hand and squeezed it. "Can you tell me your name?"
"Better," he said again.
"Okay. I'll just call you Walter--is that all right? It was my father's name.
Walter. Can you say Walter?"
"Better."
"You rest, Walter. I'll come by every day and see how you're doing. Just
rest--these doctors are pretty marvelous here at St. Anthony's.
---
The daily visits saw Walter continue to improve. Jill would wheel him around
the hospital, and even took him up to maternity to meet the nurses and see the
babies. Walter enjoyed the visits with Nurse West, and his speech slowly
improved. Whenever he was asked his name, he smiled and said, "Walter Better."
The doctors were amazed at Walter's rapid progress, though he still couldn't
walk. Arrangements were made at a nearby convalescent home, and Jill helped
transfer him.
The Windy Hill Convalescent Home was a cheerful place, where many older people
went to recover from heart conditions or strokes. One day Jill got a call from
the director at Windy Hill. Walter was asking her to come visit. When she
pulled up to the home, she was shocked to see Walter, standing by the front
door with his hat and coat on. He walked slowly over to her. She hugged him,
and he gave her a big kiss on the cheek, then took her hand and walked on the
path to the flower garden.
"Walter, you're walking!"
"Do I walk good?"
"You walk very good, Walter. It's a miracle you're doing so well."
"Next, I paint. Others paint, Walter wants to paint. No TV, no TV." In his
large, grey eyes, there was a look of straightforward interest that suggested
an almost boyish frenzy, while at the same time there was about him a genial
air. His voice was clear now.
"You don't have TV?"
"Don't want TV--it makes Walter brain die."
"Well, you have to learn a lot to paint, then. Do you think you can?"
"Yes. Walter can learn."
And Walter did learn. He learned to read in a few days, and even though it
was hard for him to hold a brush, he began to paint landscapes. Not just any
landscapes, mind you, but vivid scenes of foreboding valleys and sunsets with
multiple suns and moons.
The other residents liked Walter, except when he stood behind the painters,
touching their canvasses. He read all the books they had on art, and spent
hours looking at the pictures of paintings. He stood for long minutes in the
hallway, staring at the paintings hanging there. On sunny days, some of the
residents set up easels and painted flowers in the garden. The home director
was concerned when Walter disappeared after working on his own painting, and
then turned up only after a long search had been made. He did this every time
they painted outdoors.
On her day off, Jill decided to take Walter to the city's art museum. Walter
was speechless and wanted to touch each painting. He sat and stared at a
Salvador Dalí painting of melted clocks and cats and women. When Jill coaxed
him to look at the rest of the paintings, Walter told her to go ahead, that he
wanted to study the Dalí canvas.
After a half-hour of looking through the building, Jill returned to find only
Walter's hat on the seat where she'd left him. Thinking he'd gone on to the
other wing of the museum, Jill searched every room. When she returned, Walter
was sitting with a big smile on his face looking at the same painting. He
looked better than she'd ever seen him.
"Walter, where were you? I looked all over."
"I was inside this one. It's the best," he said, still looking at
the painting with wonder.
"Is this your favorite painting?" she asked, hoping he'd explain.
"Yes. It makes sense."
"It does? Walter, are you a modern art lover?"
"There's a lot of energy inside." As they turned to go, Walter looked at the
picture fondly, as if saying goodbye to a stimulating friend.
Jill noticed when they were leaving the museum that Walter had a bounce in his
step that hadn't been there before. He was standing more erect and seemed more
alert. She drove Walter on to the hospital for his follow up examination, and
the doctors ran a battery of tests. Their findings showed that Walter was
improving too much for a simple recovery. Something else was happening to him.
So they ran more tests, including extensive analysis of his blood.
The next week, Doctor Samuels met with Jill to discuss Walter's test results.
"Nurse West, you won't believe this, but he's getting younger. We have no
idea why, but the process is accelerating, especially when he experiences
intense mental activity". What has he been doing at that convalescent home?"
"Oil painting landscapes mostly--doctor, are you sure about this?"
"Positive. We've run every test we can think of and they all confirm it.
Walter is physically no older than forty-five or fifty right now. We don't
understand this process, but we've discovered unknown enzymes in his blood. I
don't have to tell you of the research implications of this."
"Doctor, I'd hate to see Walter turned into a guinea pig."
"I understand, which is why I called you in--you're his friend, Jill--you can
help. Has he remembered anything about events prior to the hospital?"
"Nothing. He has no memory of anything before waking up and seeing old
Fuss--, I mean Nurse Abrams."
The doctor laughed. "No wonder he can't remember anything." He flipped pages
on Walter's file and grew serious again. "We'd like to try hypnosis. If we
can discover who Walter is, and how he got here, it might help determine the
basis for these unique enzymes."
Jill broke the news to Walter about his condition, and explained Doctor
Samuels' desire to try hypnosis for answers. Walter's hair looked darker and
fuller, and he ran his hand through it, with a pensive stare.
His eyes brightened, but a hint of confusion remained. "What you're telling
me is . . . I have a full life ahead of me?"
"Yes, Walter. And a possibility of helping others who suffer from old age."
---
Jill held Walter's hand as he lay on Doctor Samuel's couch. Several younger
doctors sat with intense interest, notepads at the ready. Walter seemed
distracted by a Jackson Pollock print that hung on the wall over the couch. He
lightly touched the painting with his fingertips. Jill noticed his fingers
were no longer the bony digits they'd been when she first took his pulse. His
fingernails were now a bright pink.
"Do you like that print, Walter?" asked Doctor Samuels.
"I feel abundance of energy. An internal source of energy."
After some gentle instruction, Walter counted backwards from one hundred as
directed.
"What is your name?" asked Doctor Samuels.
"Walter Better."
"Do you remember waking up from a coma a few months ago?"
"Old Fussfeathers."
The young doctors restrained themselves, and Jill smiled at Doctor Samuels.
"Do you remember anything before Old Fussfeathers?"
"The comet. Haley's comet."
The room was hushed. Only a slight whisper of the reel-to-reel tape recorder
and the sounds of pens on tablets could be heard. The young doctors leaned
forward.
"Tell me about the comet."
"Mark Twain."
The reels turned.
"Mark Twain? I don't understand."
"He came with the comet. He left with the comet."
"Do you remember Mark Twain?"
"Yes."
Doctor Samuels looked into the faces of the others. The tape recorder kept
turning. Each observer felt the sensation of his own pulse sounding in his
ears. Before he could frame another question, Walter spoke.
"Mark Twain said 'Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.'"
"I suppose it would be," began Doctor Samuels, "Do you know who Mrs. Yelah
is, and where she took her baby?"
"Yelah. My mother, Haley backwards . . . Walter is baby. Mother went inside
the comet picture to start again."
"What is the comet picture?"
"Starry, starry night."
"Van Gogh?"
"Yes. I go inside Dali picture for sensible energy."
Jill scribbled a note and held it out to Samuels, explaining this was Walter's
favorite painting.
Doctor Samuels read the note and checked his list of questions. "How old are
you?"
The reels kept turning, turning, turning.
What was an undetermined period of silence fell over Doctor Samuels and the
onlookers. Their eyes then opened haltingly, all focused on the flicking lash
of the loose tape end on the full take-up reel. The end of the tape was later
discovered to have sounds of birds and Walter laughing for twenty-one minutes
after the doctor's last question.
Walter's face was smooth and more compact, and his clothes comically loose on
his frame. He wore an expression of satisfaction, like he'd just had a good
rest. His eyes still held an intelligent understanding but seemed quite ready
to laugh at the awakening doctors. The most careless eye would have seen
instantly that the painting had changed, if it was not for the equally amazing
transformation of the patient in question. The work of Jackson Pollock now
held unworldly colors, blended in a manner quite unfamiliar with the artist's
original style. Two distinct suns illuminated the background of patterns,
lending a wholly new and pleasant perspective creating the impression of a
window rather than a painting.
Walter sat on the edge of the couch, and swung his legs playfully, smiled at
Jill, and asked for an ice cream cone.
chance
"Allegory60" (alleg...@aol.com) did proclaim:
[Insert usual disclaimers here.]
> The young nurse dropped the empty bedpan and ran from the room.
[Serious question: Why was she carrying a bedpan in the maternity ward?
Are they commonly used there?]
> "A very old one too--by the looks of him.
[Comma between "one" and "too"]
> Head Nurse Abrams turned the corner with a bulldog stride and a face like a
> pro wrestler.
[I don't particularly care for the "face like a pro wrestler" bit, but if
you want to keep it, I'd suggest (1) switch "pro" for "professional," and
(2) make it clear whether it's the *expression* on her face that's
wrestler-like or whether it's an enduring property of her looks.]
> Entrance to the room in question proved the truth of the alarm--a wispy
> gray--haired man lay in a coma
[Hyphen == "-" ("gray-haired"), dash == "--" ("alarm--a wispy")--likely a
format conversion problem, I suppose. Also, I'm aware that "entrance" can
be used as a noun or verb, but it's a little jarring in the way that it's
used. The first time I read the sentence, I thought you had forgotten to
precede it with "The"--perhaps "Entering the room" instead.]
> "Dammit West! Page Doctor Samuels STAT. And get Wilson in here too.
[Comma before "STAT" (?) and before "too"]
> The nurses scurried out of the room and paged excitedly for the doctor on
> duty.
[I don't know if "paged excitedly" is the best way to phrase this.
Firstly, there are two kinds of paging: via intercom, and via pager. If
you mean the first, "called excitedly on the hospital intercom" or some
such thing may be an improvement; if you mean the second, I don't know
what to suggest to make it more specific--I'm sure you could come up with
something. Also, we already know that Dr. Samuels is "the doctor on
duty"--when you say "paged ... on duty," it gives the impression that
they are not asking for a specific doctor, but anyone who happens to be
on duty. Get rid of "on duty" or say "Doctor Samuels."
> "It's those idiot interns down on four--I'm sure of it. This time they've
> gone too far. If they've taken that woman and her baby somewhere,by
> God,I'll--."
[space after comma, if you haven't already caught it]
> "This man isn't going to make it, Abrams.
[Let Samuels be consistent with "this" and "that." I'd suggest using
"that."]
> I doubt they'd risk a patient's
> life--it's some mix up. The mother and child are probably walking the halls
> somewhere. The old codger didn't have a chart, but was wearing a gown, so he's
> obviously a patient here."
[It would, perhaps, be best to switch the first "patient's" for
"anyone's"--otherwise, for the doctor to say that he is a patient is
redundant and after the fact.]
> A search for the missing woman and her baby turned up nothing.
>
> Jill West, the nurse who made the discovery, came to ICU after her shift to
> ask about him.
["went" instead of "came" (?) and there ought to be a "the" before ICU.]
> "We have him on sedatives with Morphine. He's a John Doe. No records
> anywhere. Any idea how he got into maternity?" asked the ICU nurse.
>
> "None," said Jill. "He has such a kind face, I just hope I didn't shock his
> heart when I dropped the bedpan. How old do you think he is?"
[The first sentence of the post "said Jill" part should be broken at the
comma with either a period or semicolon. Also "shock his heart" gives the
impression of electrical shock, as in defibrulators, or something.]
> Doctor Wilson says, at his age the ticker's about gone, probably
> won't make it until morning."
[No comma after "says" unless it's a direct quotation, in which case the
rest of the sentence needs some ''.]
> "Well, take good care of him, will you nurse? Since I found him, I feel
> somewhat responsible."
[Get rid of "nurse." If it were a person of different status (patient or
doctor, for example) speaking, it would be fine, but I doubt that nurses
would refer to each other that way. (My mom was a nurse, I can't remember
ever hearing it, in any case.)
> The old man's condition improved daily. When he came out of the coma, his
> vital signs were strong, and they transferred him to another ward.
[I know passive construction is bad, but I don't like "...they
transferred him..." and would write it as "...he was transferred..."]
> He doesn't speak, just smiles at us,
> especially when we feed him. Doesn't seem to be able to handle a spoon, even."
[Switch first comma for a dash. Also, the use of "seem" in the second
sentence seems odd--I would be inclined to say "Has trouble handling..."
or some such.]
> The old patient was propped up facing the window.
[We know he's old--calling him "the old patient" is overkill; it would be
fine to call him "the old man," since that's what he's been called for
the rest of the story to this point, but just call him "the patient"
otherwise.]
> He sat with a look of
> wonder, watching the sun play on the trees.
[Does the sun play on the trees? I don't know if I've ever heard the sun-
play metaphor used for non-reflective surfaces. Also, "He sat with a look
of wonder" sounds like "a look of wonder" is an object or person sitting
beside him. It could be an issue of punctuation, since "He sat watching
the ... with a look of wonder." sounds fine to me. It feels like it
should be "... wonder on his face, ..." in the current construction.]
> these doctors are pretty marvelous here at St. Anthony's.
[Closing " needed. Also, perhaps just "the doctors"--"these ... here at
..." sounds awkward.
> The Windy Hill Convalescent Home was a cheerful place, where many older people
> went to recover from heart conditions or strokes. One day Jill got a call from
> the director at Windy Hill. Walter was asking her to come visit. When she
["Walter wanted her to come visit" or "Walter was asking for her to
visit"--saying "asking her to come visit" implies a direct request that
doesn't seem to be present (it wasn't Walter who called, but the
director)]
> "Do I walk good?"
> "Next, I paint. Others paint, Walter wants to paint. No TV, no TV."
> "Don't want TV--it makes Walter brain die."
> "Yes. Walter can learn."
[As much as it pains me to say it, I really don't like Walter's speech or
find it particularly believable. Looking at it, I see the first, second
and last sentences are okay. It's the third one that really bugs me--and
I don't think it's just because they're ungrammatical. If I remember
correctly, the "possessive s" is learned before subject-verb number
agreement ("it make" vs. "it makes"). The third-person references are
also irritating, but in terms of language development may be correct.]
> In his
> large, grey eyes, there was a look of straightforward interest that suggested
> an almost boyish frenzy, while at the same time there was about him a genial
> air. His voice was clear now.
[I don't think "straightforward" operates in the way that it's being used
here--which is to indicate a narrow/intense/unwavering focus.]
> And Walter did learn. He learned to read in a few days, and even though it
> was hard for him to hold a brush, he began to paint landscapes. Not just any
> landscapes, mind you, but vivid scenes of foreboding valleys and sunsets with
> multiple suns and moons.
[Get rid of "mind you." Also, use a word other than "foreboding"]
> The other residents liked Walter, except when he stood behind the painters,
> touching their canvasses.
[Maybe "other painters" rather than "the painters"--minor point, though.]
> He read all the books they
[There's that vague "they" again; you're being consistent, but I still
don't care for it.]
> He stood for long minutes in the
> hallway, staring at the paintings hanging there.
["Long minutes" sounds odd--given that he's in a home, where there is
conceivably an abundance of time, "minutes" doesn't seem like a long
time, even if they're "long minutes"]
> On sunny days, some of the
> residents set up easels and painted flowers in the garden. The home director
> was concerned when Walter disappeared after working on his own painting, and
[Get rid of "own"]
> "It does? Walter, are you a modern art lover?"
[Serious question: Is Dali classified as modern art? I think of modern
art as more abstract than Dali...]
> "There's a lot of energy inside." As they turned to go, Walter looked at the
> picture fondly, as if saying goodbye to a stimulating friend.
[How does one say goodbye to a stimulating friend? I realize that the
painting is supposed to be stimulating, but you can't have your cake and
eat it too: either use the friend metaphor or directly describe the
painting as stimulating--or both--but don't combine the two.]
> She drove Walter on to the hospital for his follow up examination, and
> the doctors ran a battery of tests.
[It's a little too clean a coincidence that his one follow-up (needs
hyphen) exam falls on Jill's day off when she decides to take him to the
museum. I think you need to mention before this that he was scheduled to
go to the hospital that day.]
> Their findings showed that Walter was
> improving too much for a simple recovery.
["They found" or "The results showed" to start; also, "too much for a
simple recovery" is extremely awkward.]
> Something else was happening to him.
> So they ran more tests, including extensive analysis of his blood.
[Get rid of the second half of the sentence. My suggestion: "Something
else.... So they brought him back for more tests." or "... So Jill
brought him in for more tests." or similar.]
> The next week, Doctor Samuels met with Jill to discuss Walter's test results.
[Is this *legal*??]
> "I understand, which is why I called you in--you're his friend, Jill--
[You need to pick a register for Samuels to address her and stick with
it. He just called her "Nurse West," which implies a formal manner of
address, and now he's calling her "Jill" which implies a
familiar/informal manner. Be consistent, not necessarily in the wording,
but in the manner.]
> The doctor laughed. "No wonder he can't remember anything." He flipped pages
> on Walter's file and grew serious again. "We'd like to try hypnosis. If we
> can discover who Walter is, and how he got here, it might help determine the
> basis for these unique enzymes."
[A *medical* doctor calling for hypnosis? Hmmm...]
> Jill held Walter's hand as he lay on Doctor Samuel's couch.
> "Do you like that print, Walter?" asked Doctor Samuels.
> "What is your name?" asked Doctor Samuels.
[A medical doctor certified to use hypnosis? Better to have the hospital
shrink asking the questions and owning the couch.]
> Each observer felt the sensation of his own pulse sounding in his
> ears.
["...felt the sensation ... sounding..."? better "...observer heard his
own pulse sounding..." or "...observer felt his own pulse pounding" or
similar]
> "Mark Twain said 'Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
> the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.'"
>
> "I suppose it would be," began Doctor Samuels, "Do you know who Mrs. Yelah
> is, and where she took her baby?"
>
> "Yelah. My mother, Haley backwards . . .
[Here's the scoop: I don't know if I would have caught it if you hadn't
come out and said it, but the way in which it done sounds in my head like
DHank saying "Look at me! I'm so clever!" which I'm sure is not the
intent. And I do think it's clever--just see if you can't find another
way to hint at the connection without holding the reader's hand as you
are now. Granted, that may revive (in some) the old grievance with the
unresolved question of the mother and baby, but I think this is *way* too
didactic.]
> Walter is baby.
[One line previous, he's using words like "infinitely" and "gradually"
and now he doesn't have indefinite articles?]
> "Yes. I go inside Dali picture for sensible energy."
[Walter's speech is ridiculous. You need to be consistent, at least.
Reading in another context, I likely would have given up on the story
because of it.]
> What was an undetermined period of silence fell over Doctor Samuels and the
> onlookers.
[This sentence doesn't make sense. What is an "undetermined period of
silence?" I'm really not sure what you're trying to say, so I won't offer
any suggestions.]
> Their eyes then opened haltingly, all focused on the flicking lash
> of the loose tape end on the full take-up reel.
[All the eyes were focused on yada yada when they opened? Seems unlikely
at best. I think you need to have everyone focus on ... after they've
opened their eyes. Also, I think I'd start the sentence, "After, their
eyes opened..."]
> The end of the tape was later
> discovered to have sounds of birds and Walter laughing for twenty-one minutes
> after the doctor's last question.
[I *really* like this. I'll bet you didn't see that coming. Brackets are
for bad things, right? :)]
> to laugh at the awakening doctors.
[And Jill ... ?]
> The most careless eye would have seen
> instantly that the painting had changed, if it was not for the equally amazing
> transformation of the patient in question.
[Drop "in question." Also, if the patient's transformation was only
"equally amazing," there is no indication that the patient would keep one
from noticing the painting. Walter's transformation needs to be marked as
distracting in some way. "But for the fabulous transformation of the
patient, even the most unobservant eye would have noticed instantly that
the painting had changed." or similar.]
> The work of Jackson Pollock now
> held unworldly colors, blended in a manner quite unfamiliar with the artist's
> original style.
["Unfamiliar" is definitely not the word. Try "disparate from" or
"different from" or some such.]
> Two distinct suns illuminated
[Just "two suns" works nicely.]
> the background of patterns,
> lending a wholly new and pleasant perspective creating the impression of a
> window rather than a painting.
[Holy run-on, Batman! (Okay, it's not *that* bad.) At the very least,
there needs to be an "and" between "perspective" and "creating."]
> Walter sat on the edge of the couch, and swung his legs playfully, smiled at
> Jill, and asked for an ice cream cone.
[Make the second comma a period and begin a new sentence, "He smiled..."
to make the sentences parallel.]
***
Regarding my comments on the previous version of "Walter," the piece is
much improved. You've very skillfully moved "Walter is getting younger"
from the explicit focus of the story into a background theme that drives
the piece. I guess maybe it's showing now what previously it merely told.
Who knows. Anyhow, I think the plot really works now.
However (that's a big but) it has *a lot* of other problems, most of
which I've mentioned above. Particularly aggravating to me was the
inconsistency--not just in Walter's speech, but in the manifestation of
his disappearances into the paintings (the others don't fall asleep the
first two times--why the change?)
Then, of course, it has issues with realism. I realize that it's a
fantastic piece, and thus not everything is going to be realistic, but
outside of the elements of fantasy--Walter's de-aging and his ability to
physically inhabit paintings--it needs to remain grounded. Perhaps,
*because* there is an explicit unbelievable element, it needs to be more
accurate than usual--I'm not sure. What I can say is that, at the moment,
it has a lot of weird departures from reality that (for me, at least)
take away from its effectiveness.
I also take exception to the ending. Did you get bored with the story and
fall asleep with the doctors? ;-) It seems like you must have rushed
through the ending without giving it too much attention. I don't mind the
way it ends (although I was disappointed when I went back and was unable
to find swinging legs or an ice cream cone earlier in the story); it's
probably the language that gets me, and the fact that Jill seems to drop
out of the story only to be conveniently recalled at the ice cream cone
moment.
Right now, this definitely isn't among your best stories--but with some
development and a rewrite or two, it could be the best I've seen from
you.
-chance
--
Alone on the highway with just a dream
Of finding that certain someone
To set my heart free
I saw her face in the sun coming up in New Mexico
I heard her voice in a river that ran through Durango
She has a way that I've never known but I cannot forget
She is everywhere around me
I just haven't found her yet.
(The Great Divide, "San Isabella")
Allegory60
first effort with fantasy stuff. Perhap I'm too grounded. I appreciate all
your remarks and will review them in some quiet moments this weekend. On a
first read through I agree with many of them. Thanks
DHank
Allegory60
wrote:
>Regarding my comments on the previous version of "Walter," the piece is
>much improved. You've very skillfully moved "Walter is getting younger"
>from the explicit focus of the story into a background theme that drives
>the piece. I guess maybe it's showing now what previously it merely told.
>Who knows. Anyhow, I think the plot really works now.
[Thanks, so do I. In fact I see more possibilities but would rather leave the
fantastic SF stuff to others, so Walter will have to remain a short short]
>
>However (that's a big but) it has *a lot* of other problems, most of
>which I've mentioned above.
[Most of these you listed I wouldn't consider major. Besides some better
phraseology and commas (I am told by those who should know btw, that bedpans
are used in maternity wards and most other places in a hospital) There is only
the problem with Walter's speech and perhaps the ending]
Particularly aggravating to me was the
>inconsistency--not just in Walter's speech, but in the manifestation of
>his disappearances into the paintings (the others don't fall asleep the
>first two times--why the change?)
[I have fixed Walter's speech to progressively improve. It was hard writing
dialogue for a man/baby..i mean..who is the model? ha. No one is around the
times that Walter "disappears" into paintings. Not in the museum and not where
he sets up his easle at the home. The final scene produces a reverse hypnosis,
and will have to be reworked to show that more clearly. Also, the others will
have entered the painting with Walter and experienced some subtle changes
without realizing it]
>
>Then, of course, it has issues with realism. I realize that it's a
>fantastic piece, and thus not everything is going to be realistic, but
>outside of the elements of fantasy--Walter's de-aging and his ability to
>physically inhabit paintings--it needs to remain grounded. Perhaps,
>*because* there is an explicit unbelievable element, it needs to be more
>accurate than usual--I'm not sure. What I can say is that, at the moment,
>it has a lot of weird departures from reality that (for me, at least)
>take away from its effectiveness.
>
[You aren't explicit or clear on this point, but I'm guessing you are feeling
something in the tone of the writing that leaves you with some credibility
problem? ]
>I also take exception to the ending. Did you get bored with the story and
>fall asleep with the doctors? ;-) It seems like you must have rushed
>through the ending without giving it too much attention.
[No, I did not rush. I felt that this was the only way the story could end,
with Walter becoming a child, in effect. I didn't want to take him any further
and have him an infant. I also had the opportunity to explicitly show a
painting being changed by his entrance; the others being changed (not well
brought out, but I am fixing this) and the mechanism for the mystery being
explained if not the causes behind it.]
I don't mind the
>way it ends (although I was disappointed when I went back and was unable
>to find swinging legs or an ice cream cone earlier in the story);
[?? How could you find Walter being that young earlier in the story? I dont
understand your remark]
it's
>probably the language that gets me, and the fact that Jill seems to drop
>out of the story only to be conveniently recalled at the ice cream cone
>moment.
>
[Jill is there throughout the testing and the hypnosis. She doesn't have much
of a role in the ending. I did change the hypnotist to a Dr. Klaas]
>Right now, this definitely isn't among your best stories--but with some
>development and a rewrite or two, it could be the best I've seen from
>you.
>
>-chance
[Again, I appreciate you taking the time. I will be rethinking this one some
more..I've done all the other nit corrections and I appreciate you finding
those. For some reason I use MS Word and then make my text file. My em dashes
always get changed to a single "-" instead of a "--", so I usually have to do a
search and replace of these, but sometimes forget to do it. Let me know if
you'd like me to email you a new revision of this story, since I have alread
reposted it once. Thanks. DHank]