(March Challenge) Tangled Mangroves (950 words)
Wind River
by Wind River
The river glittered as the morning sun reflected off rippling waves. It
was high tide, and the Atlantic's seawater flowed through Ponce Inlet
and into the Indian River, part of a large estuary of brackish water
which snaked around hundreds of islands covered with tangled mangroves
and seagrapes. It was a bright day with only a few clouds, but Randall
Carlton would have sworn it was gray and dreary. He killed the motor and
let his rented boat drift.
A school of small fish skipped across the water, and the dolphins he'd
been following surfaced -- three adults and a baby. Lily, his daughter,
had loved the dolphins. When traveling to see them became too difficult,
she taped a picture on the wall near her bed. Lily was on his mind as
Randall sprinkled a handful of ashes into the water. Human remains don't
belong in the water, he thought. It was Lily's wish, though, so he
emptied the rest of the urn's contents into the river.
He watched until they sank, then pulled a .22 from his backpack. It
wasn't the most powerful pistol he owned, but it was enough to do the
job. He ran his finger along the barrel. A man can handle the death of
his wife as long as he still has his daughter, but it's just too much
when he also loses his child only a year later.
Randall set the gun aside and rubbed his face with his hands as if
trying to wipe all his weariness away, but his hands only became
scratched by the beard stubble. He'd stopped shaving weeks ago when Lily
had died. He'd quit his job months before to care for her when the
insurance refused to cover any more expenses. The bills had mounted, but
that didn't seem important. Healing her was his goal, and when the
specialists said he'd just have to accept that she'd die, he prayed and
fasted. He tried to bargain his own life away to spare hers, but even
that went unanswered. He cursed God and decided religion was a hoax.
Her tumor was located in an inoperable part of the brain. He was warned
that as her headaches became more severe she'd start hallucinating and
eventually go mad. Always a gentle child, her madness seemed to bring
her comfort more than demons.
He wiped away a tear, surprised there were any left. The dolphins were
still nearby, swimming and sounding as the exhaled their stale air. The
young one stayed close to the others, but surfaced more often as if
trying to see the world above its own.
Lily always claimed dolphins remembered their brief sojourn as land
mammals before they returned to the sea. She tried to console her dad by
stating that death could be understood by watching the dolphins. Life
and death are like water and air. To cross the barrier and to fully
experience one or the other, you must enter each world in a form where
you can survive. Randall wasn't sure you survived death, but he was
amazed someone only sixteen had thought it through.
Toward the end, Lily became obsessed with the dolphins. She'd awake in
the night talking about communicating with them and clicking her tongue,
pretending to use echolocation. She made up names for them, like White
Snout and Big Fin. When Randall was informed that White Snout was
pregnant and craving squid, he remembered the doctor's words about
hallucinations.
Sometimes Lily pretended to swim with the dolphins by moving her hands
like they were flippers. The star-shaped birthmark on the back of her
left hand became a blur as she paddled to escape imaginary predators or
to catch baitfish. Randall had first noticed the birthmark on her small
infant hand. She had been a beautiful baby with a head full of auburn
curls which grew long and thick. At sixteen, when she should have been
laughing and hanging with her friends, she was looking forward to death
to escape her excruciating pain.
One day near the end, she said, "I want to be a dolphin in my next life."
"How do you know we have more than one life?"
"I just do."
"Sweetie, I don't think it works that way."
She didn't answer, but instead turned to look at the dolphin picture
taped to the wall.
Randall noticed the dolphins were swimming close to the boat. They
reminded him of Lily and his memories of how she'd point and laugh when
they'd surface and tail-slap the water in their playfulness. The
memories were painful. He picked up the gun, turned it over in his hand,
then held it to his head. At the same time, the baby dolphin leaped into
air. The spray from its splash covered him in a mist. He lowered the
pistol and moved to the edge of the boat. The baby swam under the boat
with an adult who had a white snout. Randall splashed his hand in the
water and called to them. They didn't return. It was a long shot, but he
clicked his tongue as Lily had once done.
They suddenly surfaced several feet away. The baby dolphin had something
on its left flipper. After a moment, it leaped into the air again, and
the flipper definitely had a marking -- in the shape of a star. It
rubbed against the boat, then rejoined the others, heading toward the
inlet and the sea.
As the dolphins swam away, Randall placed the gun into his backpack and
started the boat's motor. The current had carried him far, and he passed
island after island of tangled mangroves and seagrapes on his return.
END
Alaric
"Wind River" <wind_...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:561bkhF...@mid.individual.net...
Pensandpad
other sea creature piece you wrote, do you remember the name?
Suggestions below.
"Tangled Mangroves"
by Wind River
The river glittered as the morning sun reflected off rippling waves.
It
was high tide, and the Atlantic's seawater flowed through Ponce Inlet
and into the Indian River, part of a large estuary of brackish water
which snaked around hundreds of islands covered with tangled
mangroves
and seagrapes. It was a bright day with only a few clouds, but
Randall
Carlton would have sworn it was gray and dreary. He killed the motor
and
let his rented boat drift.
A school of small fish skipped across the water, and the dolphins
he'd
been following surfaced -- three adults and a baby. Lily, his
daughter,
had loved the dolphins. When traveling to see them became too
difficult,
she taped a picture on the wall near her bed. Lily was on his mind as
Randall sprinkled a handful of ashes into the water. Human remains
don't
belong in the water, he thought. It was Lily's wish, though, so he
emptied the rest of the urn's contents into the river.
He watched [until] (as)[they](her remains/ashes/urn){don't use it ,
he , she ,, they, them, RENIFORCE} sank, then pulled a .22 from his
Snout and Big Fin. When Randall was (told)[informed] that White Snout
was
pregnant and craving squid, he remembered the doctor's words about
hallucinations.
Sometimes Lily pretended to swim with the dolphins by moving her
hands
like they were flippers. The star-shaped birthmark on the back of her
left hand became a blur as she paddled to escape imaginary predators
or
to catch baitfish. {<<see it coming a mile away, Sue. This info
should be placed in when we learn who is in the urn, perhaps her name
was Star because....but what you've done was place the clue with a
swimming action, so it's too obvious}} Randall had first noticed the
birthmark on her small
infant hand. She had been a beautiful baby with a head full of auburn
curls which grew long and thick. At sixteen, when she should have
been
laughing and [hanging](spending time) with her friends, she was
looking forward to death
to escape her excruciating pain.
One day near the end, she said, "I want to be a dolphin in my next
life."
"How do you know we have more than one life?"
"I just do."
"Sweetie, I don't think it works that way." {<<NO!!! Would he say
that in her last moments}
She didn't answer, but instead turned to look at the dolphin picture
taped to the wall.
Randall noticed the dolphins were swimming close to the boat. They
reminded him of Lily and his memories of how she'd point and laugh
when
they'd surface and tail-slap the water in their playfulness. The
memories were painful. He picked up the gun, turned it over in his
hand,
then held it to his head. At the same time, the baby dolphin leaped
into
air. The spray from its splash covered him in a mist. He lowered the
pistol and moved to the edge of the boat. The baby swam under the
boat
with an adult who had a white snout. Randall splashed his hand in the
water and called to them. They didn't return. [It was a long shot, but
he ](Reluctantly )he clicked his tongue as Lily had once done.
[They] (S)[s]uddenly (the dolphins)surfaced [several feet away]. The
Wind River
> Very nice Sue. I was hoping this story was another chapter from that
> other sea creature piece you wrote, do you remember the name?
Thank you, Jeff. Good suggestions. This was written quickly, so when I
go back and do a real editing, I'll keep your thoughts nearby.
Sue
Wind River
> Pensandpad wrote:
>
>> Very nice Sue. I was hoping this story was another chapter from that
>> other sea creature piece you wrote, do you remember the name?
I can't remember the name of that other story at the moment. I'll have
to search my hard drive for it. I tend to write things quickly to keep
AFO alive, then I kind of forget about the particulars until I
rediscover it on my hard drive.
Sue
Rule Rattray
I enjoyed it.
Some suggestions below.
"Wind River" <wind_...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:561bkhF...@mid.individual.net...
> "Tangled Mangroves"
> by Wind River
>
> The river glittered as the morning sun reflected off rippling waves. It
> was high tide, and the Atlantic's seawater flowed through Ponce Inlet and
> into the Indian River, part of a large estuary of brackish water which
> snaked around hundreds of islands covered with tangled mangroves and
> seagrapes. It was a bright day with only a few clouds, but Randall Carlton
> would have sworn it was gray and dreary. He killed the motor and let his
> rented boat drift.
Can't say why, exactly, but I think it would be better if you'd started
with: "It was a bright day" etc. (A bit too much travelogue for my tastes,
but
that's just me.)
>
> A school of small fish skipped across the water,
Do they really do that? I've seen them riffle the surface, but never skip
across it.
and the dolphins he'd
> been following surfaced -- three adults and a baby. Lily, his daughter,
> had loved the dolphins. When traveling to see them became too difficult,
> she taped a picture on the wall near her bed. Lily was on his mind as
> Randall sprinkled a handful of ashes into the water. Human remains don't
> belong in the water, he thought. It was Lily's wish, though, so he emptied
> the rest of the urn's contents into the river.
>
> He watched until they sank, then pulled a .22 from his backpack. It wasn't
> the most powerful pistol he owned, but it was enough to do the job. He ran
> his finger along the barrel. A man can handle the death of his wife as
> long as he still has his daughter, but it's just too much when he also
> loses his child only a year later.
>
> Randall set the gun aside and rubbed his face with his hands as if trying
> to wipe all his weariness away, but his hands only became scratched by the
> beard stubble. He'd stopped shaving weeks ago when Lily had died.
If so, his whiskers would be a beard by now, not stubble.
He'd quit his job months before to care for her when the
> insurance refused to cover any more expenses. The bills had mounted, but
> that didn't seem important. Healing her was his goal, and when the
> specialists said he'd just have to accept that she'd die, he prayed and
> fasted. He tried to bargain his own life away to spare hers, but even that
> went unanswered. He cursed God and decided religion was a hoax.
>
> Her tumor was located in an inoperable part of the brain. He was warned
> that as her headaches became more severe she'd start hallucinating and
> eventually go mad. Always a gentle child, her madness seemed to bring her
> comfort more than demons.
>
> He wiped away a tear, surprised there were any left.
Nice.
The dolphins were
> still nearby, swimming and sounding as the[y] exhaled their stale air. The
> young one stayed close to the others, but surfaced more often[,] as if
Nice story. Thank you.
Best,
Rule
Wind River
> Hiya, Wind.
>
> I enjoyed it.
>
> Some suggestions below.
>
> "Wind River" <wind_...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
> news:561bkhF...@mid.individual.net...
>
>>"Tangled Mangroves"
>>by Wind River
>>
>>The river glittered as the morning sun reflected off rippling waves. It
>>was high tide, and the Atlantic's seawater flowed through Ponce Inlet and
>>into the Indian River, part of a large estuary of brackish water which
>>snaked around hundreds of islands covered with tangled mangroves and
>>seagrapes. It was a bright day with only a few clouds, but Randall Carlton
>>would have sworn it was gray and dreary. He killed the motor and let his
>>rented boat drift.
>
>
> Can't say why, exactly, but I think it would be better if you'd started
> with: "It was a bright day" etc. (A bit too much travelogue for my tastes,
> but
> that's just me.)
>
>>A school of small fish skipped across the water,
>
>
> Do they really do that? I've seen them riffle the surface, but never skip
> across it.
Sometimes they leap across the water here like a stone skipped. I like
the word "riffle". :)
> If so, his whiskers would be a beard by now, not stubble.
I changed my time sequence, and actually thought of that, but was too
much in a hurry to change it. I was sloppy.
> Nice story. Thank you.
Thank you, Rule. It's much appreciated.
Sue
BitPoet
> "Tangled Mangroves"
Hi Sue,
I enjoyed reading it, and I don't think there's anything major
to criticise. You might want to check the tenses, as you are
sometimes using simple past when it should be past perfect,
mostly when you describe what Lily has done.
Did you, by any chance, plan this one out in first person? It
has a feel of that to me, by the short sentences and flashes
of thought, and I think it could still grow if you changed it
that way.
-Chris
Wind River
Thank you, Chris. I didn't plan it in first person, but I might it a try
that way. Thanks again.
Sue
Patrick
> by Wind River
Hi, Sue! Good story. Some suggestions below.
>
> The river glittered
I like glittered. :-)
>as the morning sun reflected off rippling waves. It was high tide, and the
>Atlantic's seawater flowed through Ponce Inlet and into the Indian River,
>part of a large estuary
estuary?
> He watched until they sank, then pulled a .22 from his backpack. It wasn't
> the most powerful pistol he owned, but it was enough to do the job. He ran
> his finger along the barrel. A man can handle the death of his wife as
> long as he still has his daughter, but it's just too much when he also
> loses his child only a year later.
How did his wife die? It might be a good idea to mention that little
detail. After all, you thought it was important enough to mention that she
died, so it should be important enough to mention how she died.
> Her tumor was located in an inoperable part of the brain. He was warned
> that as her headaches became more severe she'd start hallucinating and
> eventually go mad. Always a gentle child, her madness seemed to bring her
> comfort more than demons.
>
> He wiped away a tear, surprised there were any left. The dolphins were
> still nearby, swimming and sounding as the exhaled their stale air.
they
> Toward the end, Lily became obsessed with the dolphins. She'd awake in the
> night talking about communicating with them and clicking her tongue,
> pretending to use echolocation. She made up names for them, like White
> Snout and Big Fin. When Randall was informed
"informed" is too formal for this easy, natural prose--maybe "told" instead.
> Sometimes Lily pretended to swim with the dolphins by moving her hands
> like they were flippers. The star-shaped birthmark on the back of her left
> hand became a blur as she paddled to escape imaginary predators or to
> catch baitfish. Randall had first noticed the birthmark on her small
> infant hand. She had been a beautiful baby with a head full of auburn
> curls which grew long and thick. At sixteen, when she should have been
> laughing and hanging with her friends, she was looking forward to death to
> escape her excruciating pain.
I noticed there's a lot of telling here. I'm not a show, not tell nazi by
any stretch of the imagination, but I'm thinking a couple of scenes(besides
the one below) where they can interact and talk about the dolphins, and we
see those hand motions as she's swimming, etc... might be more immersive for
us. As it is, I'm not sure if I know Lilly all that well, because I'm told
about her, and not shown her. No, scratch that, I don't need a couple of
scenes--all we really need is one scene, as well as the scene below to
capture her character.
>
> One day near the end, she said, "I want to be a dolphin in my next life."
>
> "How do you know we have more than one life?"
>
> "I just do."
>
> "Sweetie, I don't think it works that way."
>
> She didn't answer, but instead turned to look at the dolphin picture taped
> to the wall.
>
> Randall noticed the dolphins were swimming close to the boat.
To me, this was slightly confusing, because you went straight from
describing the picture right to the part where he sees the dolphins close to
the boat. For a second, I thought there was a boat in the picture, there
were dolphins close by, and he was still in her room, looking at the
picture. Maybe you can do something like this, to ease the transition more:
"On the boat, Randall noticed the dolphins were swimming close to the boat"
OR "His memories dissolved, and Randall noticed the dolphins were swimming
close to the boat."
They
> reminded him of Lily and his memories of how she'd point and laugh when
> they'd surface and tail-slap the water in their playfulness. The memories
> were painful. He picked up the gun, turned it over in his hand, then held
> it to his head. At the same time, the baby dolphin leaped into air.
THE air.
The spray from its splash covered him in a mist. He lowered the
> pistol and moved to the edge of the boat. The baby swam under the boat
> with an adult who had a white snout.
boat/boat. As an alternative, you could do this: "He lowered the pistol
and moved to the edge of the boat. He could see the baby swimming below
with an adult who had a white snout."
Randall splashed his hand in the
> water and called to them. They didn't return. It was a long shot, but he
> clicked his tongue as Lily had once done.
>
> They suddenly surfaced several feet away. The baby dolphin had something
> on its left flipper. After a moment, it leaped into the air again, and the
> flipper definitely had a marking -- in the shape of a star. It rubbed
> against the boat, then rejoined the others, heading toward the inlet and
> the sea.
>
> As the dolphins swam away, Randall placed the gun into his backpack and
> started the boat's motor. The current had carried him far, and he passed
> island after island of tangled mangroves and seagrapes on his return.
This last little bit is missing a little bit of emotion here. It's almost
clinical. He was about ready to blow his brains out, and then all of a
sudden, has a change of heart, and heads back to the island with nary a word
being mentioned why. I think something along the lines of how wrong he was
in trying to committ suicide or a subtle hint of his dolphin/daughter trying
to deter him from that course is what changed his mind needs to be said. I
guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to see a little bit of his
thoughts here, in the last scene.
Very enjoyable story, Sue. I hope these comments help. Thanks for sharing!
Take care.