(short story) The Sacred Chef (579 words)
Quadpus
>
>'Can't it wait darling?' sighed Zeus. He was busy watching the Olympic
>wrestling.
Wait, darling.
>'And when you are home, you give me no attention! Your more interested in
>watching naked men wrestle than listening to what I have to say.'
You're more interested.
>Zeus got up from the beanbag he was sitting in and went into the bar. He got
>a bottle of wine and poured himself some. I don't need Hera, he thought, I
>can pour my own wine. He sat back down to and drank the wine.
Back down and drank.
>Now he felt hungry. A souvlaki'd be good, he though. He got up again and
>went to the kitchen. On the bench was a basket, but they didn't have
>souvlakis in it - just fruit and veg.
He thought. Spell out "vegetables."
>In the basket Zeus a tomato, an onion, a mushroom, and a bulb of garlic.
Missing verb.
>'Ahhhh.' he sighed, 'That was the best souvlaki I've ever had.'
I was going to berate you for your vapid Olympians and lack of
dramatic momentum. But I won't. The punchline was worth it. Just
clean up those little spelling/grammar errors and you're set.
Anopheles
"Christop Booth" wrote:
> This is a story I wrote about three weeks ago and have just edited a bit.
>
> 'I can't go on living like this!' Hera shrieked, 'While I'm at home
looking
> after the palace, you're off having a fling with some other goddess. And
if
> it's not a goddess it's a mortal woman.'
Same thing in their eyes, mate. Learn fast or you'll never get a woman.
Oh and there's something you should know, Chris.One of those arcane laws
that comes with initiation. There are those that consider anything other
than "said" as a tag as bad writing. Some are quite vociferous about it,
too. They'll jump on you, get you in a head lock and bash your head against
the AFO FAQ. Others will simply sniff and look the other way. Of course
there is the underground that believe in imaginative tags, free love and BBQ
sauce but that's a secret. You must seek your own golden path to
righteousness.
> 'Can't it wait darling?' sighed Zeus. He was busy watching the Olympic
> wrestling.
I can hear the mumbling...
> 'And when you are home, you give me no attention! Your more interested in
> watching naked men wrestle than listening to what I have to say.'
> 'Just wait till the ad break,' said Zeus.
> Hera stormed off to one of her private rooms to pack her belongings.
>
> 'Hera darling!' called Zeus. 'Could you fetch me some more wine?'
> There was no answer.
> 'Hera?'
> Zeus got up from the beanbag he was sitting in and went into the bar. He
got
> a bottle of wine and poured himself some. I don't need Hera, he thought, I
> can pour my own wine. He sat back down to and drank the wine.
back down to and?
> Now he felt hungry. A souvlaki'd be good, he though. He got up again and
> went to the kitchen. On the bench was a basket, but they didn't have
> souvlakis in it - just fruit and veg. Behind the baskets was a sort of
> scaffolding full of plastic containers with names like 'Ginger' and
'Basil'
> on them. Zeus felt sorry for Basil, stuck inside a little plastic
container.
> He felt even sorrier for Ginger. She's also been stuck on a desert island
> with Gilligan and the Skipper.
I'd be sorrier for the Skipper. Ginger was a blonde's blonde.
> Zeus opened the pantry, but there were no souvlakis in there. Or in the
> fridge. Or the freezer.
> I know! thought Zeus, Maybe I have to make the souvlaki! He tried to think
> of what a souvlaki was made from. Lamb, tomato, pepper, herbs, garlic,
olive
> oil, onions, mushroom, lemon juice.
> In the basket Zeus a tomato, an onion, a mushroom, and a bulb of garlic.
Did you say something about editing before Chris? This sort of thing will
turn many off reading.
>He put them all in a big, blue bowl. Zeus noticed that one of the plastic
> containers in the bamboo scaffolding was labelled 'Pepper', so he put it
in
> the bowl too. In the pantry he found a bottle of olive oil. He took off
the
> lid and emptied it over the ingredients in the bowl. There were mushrooms
in
> the fridge, so he added one, and then found the most important ingredient.
> In the freezer, Zeus found a lamb's shoulder. He put it in the bowl and
> realized he didn't have all the ingredients. He still needed the herbs and
> lemon juice. Zeus noticed a lemon in the fruit and veg basket. That'll do,
> he thought, adding it to the bowl, Now all I need's the herbs. In the
> scaffolding was a container marked 'Mixed Herbs'. Zeus added the container
> and the souvlaki was complete.
>
> Zeus sat on the beanbag watching the marathon. He screwed up his face as
he
> chewed on the lemon. He picked dried skin from his teeth after eating the
> onion and garlic. He chipped a tooth as he gnawed at the frozen lamb. He
> tried to bite into the pepper container, but since it was covered in olive
> oil, it slipped, and shot across the room, smashing a portrait jar of
> Heracles. Zeus bit into the mixed herbs, splitting the container with his
> teeth, filling his mouth with herbs, gagged and swallowed. When he had
> finished the souvlaki, holding the bowl by its handle, he tipped the
> remaining oil into his mouth.
> 'Ahhhh.' he sighed, 'That was the best souvlaki I've ever had.'
>
Satire is difficult, Chris. It has to have a bite without drawing blood.
Here you send up the Grecian pantheon but it's a gentle little piece that
has little conflict and no bite. If you are going to modernise the Greek
gods, clash the two together. Read up on the legends. Find out what Zeus did
to his dear old Dad and use that, for example. It's a good start though. You
have some good ideas and you need to keep working on them. There are several
excellent humorists here that may be able to comment from a less involved
standpoint than I.
Anopheles
Alaric
Er. . . definitely odd.
Well, we certainly get a recipe.
Seems a bit like a long joke really. Didn't know Zeus was Irish.
Like the curate's egg. Funny in parts.
"Christop Booth" <christop...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3d2e...@news.alphalink.com.au...
> This is a story I wrote about three weeks ago and have just edited a bit.
>
> 'I can't go on living like this!' Hera shrieked, 'While I'm at home
looking
> after the palace, you're off having a fling with some other goddess. And
if
> it's not a goddess it's a mortal woman.'
Dart...@webtv.net
This has a lot going for it. I actually chuckled a few times (even
though the Ginger joke was a non sequitor, it got a smile).
The ending was also unexpected and funny.
Some notes:
Break up your paragraphs and space the dialog out.
Edit some of Zeus's cooking-- it drags.
Try to add just a bit more to the setting-- I couldn't get a very good
idea what the character's surroundings were like.
Nice, fun effort.
Joe
R. Westermeyer
<christop...@hotmail.com> wrote:
Hi Christ,
>This is a story I wrote about three weeks ago and have just edited a bit.
>
>'I can't go on living like this!' Hera shrieked, 'While I'm at home looking
>after the palace, you're off having a fling with some other goddess. And if
>it's not a goddess it's a mortal woman.'
>'Can't it wait darling?' sighed Zeus. He was busy watching the Olympic
>wrestling.
Ha! I'm in.
>'And when you are home, you give me no attention! Your more interested in
>watching naked men wrestle than listening to what I have to say.'
>'Just wait till the ad break,' said Zeus.
>Hera stormed off to one of her private rooms to pack her belongings.
>
>'Hera darling!' called Zeus. 'Could you fetch me some more wine?'
>There was no answer.
>'Hera?'
>Zeus got up from the beanbag he was sitting in and went into the bar. He got
>a bottle of wine and poured himself some. I don't need Hera, he thought, I
>can pour my own wine. He sat back down to and drank the wine.
>Now he felt hungry. A souvlaki'd be good,
Absolutely. That and a falaffa (sp?).
> he though. He got up again and
>went to the kitchen. On the bench was a basket, but they didn't have
>souvlakis in it - just fruit and veg. Behind the baskets was a sort of
>scaffolding full of plastic containers with names like 'Ginger' and 'Basil'
>on them. Zeus felt sorry for Basil, stuck inside a little plastic container.
>He felt even sorrier for Ginger. She's also been stuck on a desert island
>with Gilligan and the Skipper.
I gather we're moving from parodyland to silly island.
>Zeus opened the pantry, but there were no souvlakis in there. Or in the
>fridge. Or the freezer.
>I know! thought Zeus, Maybe I have to make the souvlaki! He tried to think
>of what a souvlaki was made from. Lamb, tomato, pepper, herbs, garlic, olive
>oil, onions, mushroom, lemon juice.
>In the basket Zeus a tomato, an onion, a mushroom, and a bulb of garlic. He
>put them all in a big, blue bowl. Zeus noticed that one of the plastic
>containers in the bamboo scaffolding was labelled 'Pepper', so he put it in
>the bowl too. In the pantry he found a bottle of olive oil. He took off the
>lid and emptied it over the ingredients in the bowl. There were mushrooms in
>the fridge, so he added one, and then found the most important ingredient.
>In the freezer, Zeus found a lamb's shoulder. He put it in the bowl and
>realized he didn't have all the ingredients. He still needed the herbs and
>lemon juice. Zeus noticed a lemon in the fruit and veg basket. That'll do,
>he thought, adding it to the bowl, Now all I need's the herbs. In the
>scaffolding was a container marked 'Mixed Herbs'. Zeus added the container
>and the souvlaki was complete.
>
>Zeus sat on the beanbag watching the marathon. He screwed up his face as he
>chewed on the lemon. He picked dried skin from his teeth after eating the
>onion and garlic. He chipped a tooth as he gnawed at the frozen lamb. He
>tried to bite into the pepper container, but since it was covered in olive
>oil, it slipped, and shot across the room, smashing a portrait jar of
>Heracles. Zeus bit into the mixed herbs, splitting the container with his
>teeth, filling his mouth with herbs, gagged and swallowed. When he had
>finished the souvlaki, holding the bowl by its handle, he tipped the
>remaining oil into his mouth.
>'Ahhhh.' he sighed, 'That was the best souvlaki I've ever had.'
Zeus meets Fred Flintstone. Nice message, Chris. Who needs em. Plus,
toilet seats were meant to be left lifted. Amen.
Seriously, This was fun. I'd take the Gillian out of it though,
crosses the line, and it's funny enough without it. My opinion.
--Robert
>
>