[Story] Strange case of Walter Better (1500wds)
Allegory60
The young nurse dropped the empty bedpan and ran from the room.
"Call the head nurse," she yelled. "There's a man in 1214!"
"A man?" said the other nurse. "In maternity?"
"A very old one too--by the looks of him. Someone in ICU must've lost a
patient."
"Uh oh. Old Fussfeathers will lay an egg over this."
Head Nurse Abrams turned the corner with a bulldog stride and a face like a
pro wrestler. "What's all the hubbub?" The two nurses looked at each
other and back at Abrams. "West, you're whiter than your uniform. What the
hell is it?"
"It's-just an old man in 1214, Nurse Abrams. I have no idea-"
"Another prank from those fresh pricks downstairs, eh? We'll see about this."
And she stormed off down the hall, with the two nurses following.
Entrance to the room in question proved the truth of the alarm-a wispy
gray-haired man lay in a coma, where Mrs. Yelah had just been given her newborn
son. There was no sign of mother and baby.
"Shit, West. Page Doctor Samuels STAT. And get Wilson in here too. This man
belongs in emergency-I can barely get a pulse. AND FIND MRS.YELAH!"
The nurses scurried out of the room and paged excitedly for the doctor on
duty. After a brief examination, the old man was taken downstairs to intensive
care.
"What do you make of that?" Samuels asked Nurse Abrams.
"It's those goddamned interns down on four-I'm sure of it. This time they've
gone too far. If they've taken that woman and her baby somewhere, by God,
I'll--"
"This man isn't going to make it, Abrams. I doubt they'd risk a patient's
life-it's some mix up. The mother and child are probably walking the halls
somewhere. The old codger didn't have a chart, but was wearing a gown, so he's
obviously a patient here."
--
A search for the missing woman and her baby turned up nothing.
Jill West, the nurse who made the discovery, came to ICU after her shift to
ask about him.
"We have him on sedatives with Morphine. He's a John Doe. No records
anywhere. Any idea how he got into maternity?" asked the ICU nurse.
"None," said Jill. "He has such a kind face, I just hope I didn't shock his
heart when I dropped the bedpan. How old do you think he is?"
"Oh, eighty, anyway. Hard to tell, you know, but eighty, that's what we put
on his chart. Doctor Wilson says, at his age the ticker's about gone, probably
won't make it until morning."
"Well, take good care of him, will you nurse? Since I found him, I feel
somewhat responsible."
--
The old man's condition improved daily. When he came out of the coma, his
vital signs were strong, and they transferred him to another ward.
"No name, no history, poor man. He doesn't speak, just smiles at us,
especially when we feed him. Doesn't seem to be able to handle a spoon, even."
"I'd like to stop in and see him," said Jill.
"Sure. See Phyllis on three. They have him up there for observation."
The old patient was propped up facing the window. He sat with a look of
wonder, watching the sun play on the trees. Jill took his pulse and he smiled
up at her with questioning eyes.
"Hello. I'm Jill West, the nurse that found you upstairs. You have a good,
strong pulse. I'm glad you're doing better."
"B-better," he said.
"Oh, so you can talk? Well, now that's good progress, very good." She took
his hand and squeezed it. "Can you tell me your name?"
"Better," he said again.
"Okay. I'll just call you Walter-is that all right? It was my father's name.
Walter. Can you say Walter?"
"Better."
"You rest, Walter. I'll come by every day and see how you're doing. Just
rest-these doctors are pretty marvelous here at St. Anthony's.
--
The daily visits saw Walter continue to improve. Jill would wheel him around
the hospital, and even took him up to maternity to meet the nurses and see the
babies. Walter enjoyed the visits with Nurse West, and his speech slowly
improved. Whenever he was asked his name, he smiled and said, "Walter Better."
The doctors were amazed at Walter's rapid progress, though he still couldn't
walk. Arrangements were made at a nearby convalescent home, and Jill helped
transfer him.
The Windy Hill Convalescent Home was a cheerful place, where many older people
went to recover from heart conditions or strokes. One day Jill got a call from
the director at Windy Hill. Walter was asking her to come visit. When she
pulled up to the home, she was shocked to see Walter, standing by the front
door with his hat and coat on. He walked slowly over to her. She hugged him,
and he gave her a big kiss on the cheek, then took her hand and walked on the
path to the flower garden.
"Walter, you're walking!"
"Do I walk good?"
"You walk very good, Walter. It's a miracle you're doing so well."
"Next, I paint. Others paint, Walter wants to paint."
"Well, you have to learn a lot to paint well-do you think you can?"
"Yes. Walter can learn."
And Walter did learn. He learned to read in a few days, and even though it
was hard for him to hold a brush, he began to paint landscapes. Not just any
landscapes, mind you, but vivid scenes of foreboding valleys and sunsets with
multiple suns and moons. On her day off, Jill took him to the city's art
museum. Walter wanted to touch every painting. He sat and stared at a
Salvador Dali painting of melted clocks and cats and women.
"Is this your favorite painting?" she asked.
"Yes. It makes sense."
Jill noticed when they were leaving the museum that Walter had a bounce in his
step that hadn't been there before. He was standing more erect and seemed more
alert. She took Walter back to the hospital for a follow up examination, and
the doctors ran a battery of tests. Their findings showed that Walter was
improving too much for a simple recovery. Something else was happening to him.
So they ran more tests, including extensive analysis of his blood.
The next week, Doctor Samuels met with Jill to discuss Walter's test results.
"Nurse West, you won't believe this, but he's getting younger. We have no
idea why, but it's accelerating, especially with any intense mental activity.
What has he been doing at that convalescent home?"
"Oil painting landscapes mostly--doctor, are you sure about this?"
"Positive. We've run every test we can think of and they all confirm it.
Walter is physically no older than forty-five or fifty right now. We don't
know if the process will continue, and we discovered unknown enzymes in his
blood. I don't have to tell you of the research implications of this."
"Doctor, I'd hate to see Walter turned into a guinea pig."
"I understand, which is why I called you in--you're his friend, Jill--you can
help. Has he remembered anything about events prior to the hospital?"
"Nothing. He has no memory of anything before waking up and seeing old
Fuss--, I mean Nurse Abrams."
The doctor laughed. "No wonder he can't remember." He flipped pages on
Walter's file and grew serious again. "We'd like to try hypnosis. If we can
discover who Walter is, and how he got here, it might help determine the basis
for these unique enzymes."
Jill broke the news to Walter about his condition, and explained Doctor
Samuels' desire to try hypnosis for answers. Walter's hair looked darker and
fuller, and he ran his hand through it, pensively.
His eyes brightened, but a hint of confusion remained. "What you're telling
me is . . . I have a full life ahead of me?"
"Yes, Walter. And a possibility of helping others who suffer from old age."
--
Jill held Walter's hand as he lay on Doctor Samuel's couch. Several younger
doctors sat with intense interest, notepads at the ready. Walter counted
backwards from one hundred as directed.
"What is your name?" asked Doctor Samuels.
"Walter Better."
"Do you remember waking up from a coma a few months ago?"
"Old Fussfeathers."
The young doctors restrained themselves, and Jill smiled at Doctor Samuels.
"Do you remember anything before Old Fussfeathers?"
"The comet. Haley's comet."
The room was hushed. Only a slight whisper of the reel-to-reel tape recorder
and the sounds of pens on tablets could be heard. The young doctors leaned
forward.
"Tell me about the comet."
"Mark Twain."
"Mark Twain? I don't understand."
"He came with the comet. He left with the comet."
"Do you remember Mark Twain?"
"Yes."
Doctor Samuels looked into the faces of the others. The tape recorder kept
turning. Before he could frame another question, Walter spoke.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of
eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
"I suppose," began Doctor Samuels, "How old are you?"
Walter sat up and came out of hypnosis by himself. He wore an expression of
satisfaction, like he'd just had a good rest.
He smiled at Jill, swung his legs playfully off the edge of the couch, and
asked for an ice cream cone.
Melvin Niswander
qualities make up for that deficiency -- which can be fixed. The dialogue is
particularly strong and natural. You have problems with punctuating
sentences at the end. A hyphen won't work. You don't see that in published
books and stories. Throughout the story I address specific issues. One
noteworthy recurring matter is the problem with narrative transitions and
character idicators of lapses in the time sequence. On the content side,
what about the missing woman and baby? They are never accounted for. Where
they came from, where they went are mysteries.
This story has much to recomment it. I story is unfinished, it seems to me.
Good writing. I enjoyed it very much.
> The Strange Case of Walter Better
>
> The young nurse dropped the empty bedpan and ran from the room.
>
> "Call the head nurse," she yelled. "There's a man in 1214!"
>
> "A man?" said the other nurse. "In maternity?"
>
> "A very old one too(. . .)by the looks of him. Someone in ICU must've
lost a
> patient." [Halting, interrupted, or shifts in speech are indicated by
ellipsis points.]
>
> "Uh oh. Old Fussfeathers will lay an egg over this."
>
> Head Nurse Abrams turned the corner with a bulldog stride and a face like
a
> pro wrestler. "What's all the hubbub?" The two nurses looked at each
> other and back at Abrams. "West, you're whiter than your uniform. What
the
> hell is it?"
>
> "It's just an old man in 1214, Nurse Abrams. I have no idea-"
[Interrupted speech is indicated by elliopsis points, as in: "I have no
idea. . ."]
>
> "Another prank from those fresh pricks downstairs, eh? We'll see about
this."
> And she stormed off down the hall, with the two nurses following.
>
> Entrance to the room in question proved the truth of the alarm-a wispy
> gray-haired man lay in a coma, where Mrs. Yelah had just been given her
newborn
> son. There was no sign of mother and baby. [Dashes are made this way: *.
. .proved the truth of the alarm -- a wispy gray-haired man lay in a coma. .
.* They're made by two hyphens with spaces on either side.]
>
> "Shit, West. Page Doctor Samuels STAT. And get Wilson in here too. This
man
> belongs in emergency (--) I can barely get a pulse. AND FIND MRS.YELAH!"
>
> The nurses scurried out of the room and paged excitedly for the doctor on
> duty. After a brief examination, the old man was taken downstairs to
intensive
> care.
>
> "What do you make of that?" Samuels asked Nurse Abrams.
>
> "It's those goddamned interns down on four(.) I'm sure of it. This time
they've
> gone too far. If they've taken that woman and her baby somewhere, by God,
> I'll(. . .)"
>
> "This man isn't going to make it, Abrams. I doubt they'd risk a patient's
> life(.) It's some mix up. The mother and child are probably walking the
halls
> somewhere. The old codger didn't have a chart, but was wearing a gown, so
he's
> obviously a patient here."
>
> --
>
> A search for the missing woman and her baby turned up nothing. [The
transitionn narrative is missing. The time thread of the story causes a
jump cut between scenes. Which woman and baby is the hospital personnel
looking for? We've not been told previously that mother and baby were
missing. Usually a series of three or five asterisks show a break in
chronological time, either for a flashback or flashforward, or simply to
show that the next scene takes place several days or weeks later.]
>
> Jill West, the nurse who made the discovery, came to ICU after her shift
to
> ask about him.
>
> "We have him on sedatives with Morphine. He's a John Doe. No records
> anywhere. Any idea how he got into maternity?" asked the ICU nurse.
>
> "None," said Jill. "He has such a kind face, I just hope I didn't shock
his
> heart when I dropped the bedpan. How old do you think he is?"
>
> "Oh, eighty, anyway. Hard to tell, you know, but eighty, that's what we
put
> on his chart. Doctor Wilson says, at his age the ticker's about gone,
probably
> won't make it until morning."
>
> "Well, take good care of him, will you nurse? Since I found him, I feel
> somewhat responsible."
>
> --
>
> The old man's condition improved daily. When he came out of the coma, his
> vital signs were strong, and they transferred him to another ward.
>
> "No name, no history, poor man. He doesn't speak, just smiles at us,
> especially when we feed him. Doesn't seem to be able to handle a spoon,
even."
>
> "I'd like to stop in and see him," said Jill.
>
> "Sure. See Phyllis on three.///Three what? The reader likely won't
understand hospital jargon./// They have him up there for observation."
>
> The old patient was propped up facing the window. He sat with a look of
> wonder, watching the sun play on the trees. Jill took his pulse and he
smiled
> up at her with questioning eyes.
>
> "Hello. I'm Jill West, the nurse that found you upstairs. You have a
good,
> strong pulse. I'm glad you're doing better."
>
> "(Bet. . .bet. . .ter)," he said. [I'd make his speech more hesitant.]
>
> "Oh, so you can talk? Well, now that's good progress, very good." She
took
> his hand and squeezed it. "Can you tell me your name?"
>
> "Better," he said again.
>
> "Okay. I'll just call you Walter(.) (I)s that all right? It was my
father's name.
> Walter. Can you say Walter?"
>
> "Better."
>
> "You rest, Walter. I'll come by every day and see how you're doing. Just
> rest(.) (T)hese doctors are pretty marvelous here at St. Anthony's.
>
> --
>
> The daily visits saw Walter continue to improve. Jill would wheel him
around
> the hospital, and even took him up to maternity to meet the nurses and see
the
> babies. Walter enjoyed the visits with Nurse West, and his speech slowly
> improved. Whenever he was asked his name, he smiled and said, "Walter
Better."
COMMENT: There's a problem with the lack of narrative transitions. You
need to reexamine all the paragraphs where you've indicated a time jump by
some character device, preferably by asterisks. For example, you could
solve the problem of the jump cut in the previous paragraph by writing a
transitional sentence something like this: <<<During the following week, as
Jill visited Walter daily, he continued to improve.>>> Put whatever time
limit you want -- days or weeks.
>
> The doctors were amazed at Walter's rapid progress, though he still
couldn't
> walk. Arrangements were made at a nearby convalescent home, and Jill
helped
> transfer him.
>
> The Windy Hill Convalescent Home was a cheerful place, where many older
people
> went to recover from heart conditions or strokes. One day Jill got a call
from
> the director at Windy Hill. Walter was asking her to come visit. When
she
> pulled up to the home, she was shocked to see Walter, standing by the
front
> door with his hat and coat on. He walked slowly over to her. She hugged
him,
> and he gave her a big kiss on the cheek, then took her hand and walked
(down) the
> path to the flower garden.
>
> "Walter, you're walking!"
>
> "Do I walk good?"
>
> "You walk very good, Walter. It's a miracle you're doing so well."
>
> "Next, I paint. Others paint(.) Walter wants to paint."
>
> "Well, you have to learn a lot to paint well(.) (D)o you think you can?"
>
> "Yes. Walter can learn."
>
> And Walter did learn. He learned to read in a few days, and even though
it
> was hard for him to hold a brush, he began to paint landscapes. Not just
any
> landscapes, mind you, but vivid scenes of foreboding valleys and sunsets
with
> multiple suns and moons. On her day off, Jill took him to the city's art
> museum. Walter wanted to touch every painting. He sat and stared at a
> Salvador (Dalķ) painting of melted clocks, cats, and women. [The ASCII
character for the accented i (ķ) is made by hholding down Alt. + on the
number pad, enter 161.]
>
> "Is this your favorite painting?" she asked.
>
> "Yes. It makes sense."
>
> Jill noticed when they were leaving the museum that Walter had a bounce in
his
> step that hadn't been there before. He was standing more erect and seemed
more
> alert. She took Walter back to the hospital for a (follow-up)
examination, and
> the doctors ran a battery of tests. Their findings showed that Walter was
> improving too much for a simple recovery. Something else was happening to
him.
> So they ran more tests, including extensive analysis of his blood.
>
> The next week, Doctor Samuels met with Jill to discuss Walter's test
results.
>
>
> "Nurse West, you won't believe this, but he's getting younger. We have no
> idea why, but it's accelerating, {especially with any intense mental
activity.} ///Awkward expresssion. Explain more.///
> What has he been doing at that convalescent home?"
>
> "Oil painting(.) (L)andscapes mostly(.) (D)octor, are you sure about
this (getting younger?)"
>
> "Positive. We've run every test we can think of(,) and they all confirm
it.
> Walter is physically no older than forty-five or fifty right now. We
don't
> know if the process will continue(.) (We've) discovered (an) unknown
enzyme in his
> blood. (No one can identify it.) I don't have to tell you (about) the
research implications of this." [The statement about an unknown enzyme is
sufficiently important that it should be in a separate sentence. I've added
a sentence to underscore the mystery of the new enzyme.]
>
> "Doctor, I'd hate to see Walter turned into a guinea pig."
>
> "I understand. (That's) why I called you in(.) (Y)ou're his friend,
Jill(.) (Y)ou can
> help. Has he remembered anything about events prior to the hospital?"
>
> "Nothing. He has no memory of anything before waking up and seeing old
> Fuss(. . .)I mean Nurse Abrams."
>
> The doctor laughed. "No wonder he can't remember." He flipped pages on
> Walter's file and grew serious again. "We'd like to try hypnosis. If we
can
> discover who Walter is, and how he got here, it might help determine the
basis
> for (this) unique enzyme." [I'm assuming there is only one new enzyme
affecting Walter's growing younger.]
>
>
> Jill broke the news to Walter about his condition ///No comma./// and
explained Doctor
> Samuels' desire to try hypnosis for answers. Walter's hair looked darker
and
> fuller, and he ran his hand through it, (pensively.) [Awkward placement
of adverb. this can't modify *ran,* since you can't run something
*pensively.* You mean Walter is pensive. Better rethink the syntax of this
sentence.]
>
> His eyes brightened, but a hint of confusion remained. "What you're
telling
> me is . . . I have a full life ahead of me?"
>
> "Yes, Walter. And a possibility of helping others who suffer from old
age."
>
> --
>
> Jill held Walter's hand as he lay on Doctor Samuel's couch. Several
younger
> doctors sat with intense interest, notepads at the ready. Walter counted
> backwards from one hundred as directed. [Here, you need a transition in
this paragraph.]
>
> "What is your name?" asked Doctor Samuels.
>
> "Walter Better."
>
> "Do you remember waking up from a coma a few months ago?"
>
> "Old Fussfeathers."
>
> The young doctors restrained themselves, and Jill smiled at Doctor
Samuels.
>
> "Do you remember anything before Old Fussfeathers?"
>
> "The comet. Haley's comet."
>
> The room was hushed. Only a slight whisper of the reel-to-reel tape
recorder
> and the sounds of pens on tablets (could be heard.) The young doctors
leaned
> forward. [Avoid passive voice.]
>
> "Tell me about the comet."
>
> "Mark Twain."
>
> "Mark Twain? I don't understand."
>
> "He came with the comet. He left with the comet."
>
> "Do you remember Mark Twain?"
>
> "Yes."
>
> Doctor Samuels looked into the faces of the others. The tape recorder
kept
> turning. Before he could frame another question, Walter spoke.
>
> "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of
> eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
>
> "I suppose," began Doctor Samuels, "How old are you?"
>
> Walter sat up and came out of hypnosis by himself. He wore an expression
of
> satisfaction, like he'd just had a good rest.
>
> He smiled at Jill, swung his legs playfully off the edge of the couch, and
> asked for an ice cream cone.
COMMENT: This is a funny place for the story to end. There is no
resolution. Is this it? He just asks for an ice cream cone? What about
his comments about Mark Twain and being born at eighty and working backwards
chronologically? You raise many interesting questions. I was starting to
get really interested when you dropped me off Dr. Samuel's table onto the
floor. I'm left with the impression the story in unfinished.
>
>
>
BARRY HUTCHINGS
You are following in the tradition of the American masters of the fantastic.
After all, it is you Yanks who do the best comics and the twilight zone.
Bazza -- the flawed critic.
Jane Minihan
punctuation/grammar/sentence structure skills need brushing up. So, I am just
going to give you my uneducated point of view.
This is a really interesting idea. The conversation and interaction of
characters is very natural. However, I can't help feeling that it is a bit too
brief. For me, apart from the dialogue, it read a bit like a summary of a
story, rather than the story itself. I would have got 'more out of it' if there
had been more detailed description.
I'd like to know more about the old man - the way he looks, the expressions on
his face, for example. I agree that this doesn't add anything to the plot, but
it helps me picture the scene and take more notice of what happens to him.
The storyline is such a good one, I think you ought to squeeze whatever you can
out of it!
Jane
Allegory60
minutiae before the more substantive remarks:
On the use of the dash and its spacing, you write:
<< [Dashes are made this way: *.
. .proved the truth of the alarm -- a wispy gray-haired man lay in a coma. .
.* They're made by two hyphens with spaces on either side.]>>
My two main style guides (The Little, Brown Handbook by Fowler/Aaron and
Merriam-Webster's Guide) say otherwise. The former says NO spaces before and
after dashes and the latter says "practice varies as to spacing around the
dash. Some publications insert a space before and after a dash, but most do
not. Either practice is acceptable." Maybe since you're Australian? you do it
differently down under.
Also, either a dash OR an ellipsis may be used for "Hesitation in dialogue" or
"unfinished thought." Dashes tend to give the greatest emphasis. I cannot
find anything in my guides about this idea, but it's my impression that using a
dash in dialogue denotes a more abrupt interruption in thought, while an
ellipsis denotes a trailing off of the voice. Perhaps someone can comment on
this?
Dashes may be used in a number of different ways, as shifts in tone, unfinished
thought and hesitation in dialogue. Because of this, I cannot find anyplace I
used a dash that is "incorrect", but merely a matter of style. Can you point
out one that is definitely incorrect?
As for time transitions, I will take another look at this. In my mss. I usually
use "--" centered with a blank line above and below for a substantive shift
ahead in time or location. For a lesser shift I may usually just put in an
extra blank line and begin the next paragraph without the normal indent.
Sometimes I use other symbols (these have a name but i cannot recall?) but
havent used "**"s. I am under the impression that the writer may choose any
symbol he wishes and may even number (i see this in older shorts) each section.
As for the missing woman and child...I thank you. I cut this story down from a
larger work that I felt rambled, and left out two questions in hypnosis that
would shed light on this. I will post these later today.
I appreciate your help--not that help is ever easy--I really do.
DHank
Allegory60
>lost a
This may be a dash or an elipses . . .writer's choice.
>[Halting, interrupted, or shifts in speech are indicated by
ellipsis points.]
OR by dashes.
>> "It's those goddamned interns down on four(.) I'm sure of it. This time
>they've
>> gone too far.
Sorry, but a dash is acceptable in dialogue. If I had wanted a period and
another sentence, I would have written it that way. This is dialogue. Things
may be acceptable in dialogue that are not in other text.
The dashes at the end of the sentences DO need a following period. Dashes may
or may not have spaces before and after them. They usually do not. Either is
acceptable.
>[The
>transitionn narrative is missing. The time thread of the story causes a
>jump cut between scenes. Which woman and baby is the hospital personnel
>looking for? We've not been told previously that mother and baby
>were
>missing. Usually a series of three or five asterisks show a break in
>chronological time, either for a flashback or flashforward, or simply to
>show that the next scene takes place several days or weeks later.]
A section symbol did not come through the conversion to TXT file. It comes
through as "--". For the purpose of posting or even readability, consider any
symbol or number with line space before and after, with the following paragraph
not indented, to be the transition and jump cut time thread you refer to.
>> "Sure. See Phyllis on three.///Three what? The reader likely won't
>understand hospital jargon./// They have him up there for observation."
Jargon? Ha. I don't think this is jargon. The reader knows this is a hospital
setting. If someone tells you to go up to three, do you say "three what?"
>> "(Bet. . .bet. . .ter)," he said. [I'd make his speech more hesitant.]
>>
I don't see why.
>> and he gave her a big kiss on the cheek, then took her hand and walked
>(down) the
>> path to the flower garden.
>>
What if the path didn't GO down? What if it went up? This path was level. No
up, no down.
>> Salvador (Dalķ) painting of melted clocks, cats, and women. [The ASCII
>character for the accented i (ķ) is made by hholding down Alt. + on the
>number pad, enter 161.]
Thanks, I didn't know this was accented "i."
>> "Nurse West, you won't believe this, but he's getting younger. We have no
>> idea why, but it's accelerating, {especially with any intense mental
>activity.} ///Awkward expresssion. Explain more.///
Yes. Better is "...but the process is accelerating, especially when he
experiences any intense mental activity."
>> "Positive. We've run every test we can think of(,) and they all confirm
>it.
>> Walter is physically no older than forty-five or fifty right now. We
>don't
>> know if the process will continue(.) (We've) discovered (an) unknown
>enzyme in his
>> blood. (No one can identify it.) I don't have to tell you (about) the
>research implications of this."
>[The statement about an unknown enzyme is
>sufficiently important that it should be in a separate sentence. I've added
>a sentence to underscore the mystery of the new enzyme.]
I see no reason for these changes?
Outside of the dashes and ellipses choices, you have made a couple of valid
nits that I will fix, and I did clarify the mystery about the missing woman and
baby too. Thanks a lot.
DHank
chance
"Allegory60" (alleg...@aol.com) did proclaim:
> The Strange Case of Walter Better
or "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," Revisited.
There was nothing wrong with the telling of the story, but knowing the
basic plot ahead of time sort of ruined it for me. Especially since I
wasn't even too keen on Fitzgerald's version when I first read it.
Nonetheless, apart from the unresolved case of the disappeared mother and
baby that has already been brought to your attention (and may have been
enough to rekindle my interest), I find little fault with the writing.
To throw a couple of examples into the dash/ellipsis debate:
"He's--sixteen."
"They look sort of funny to me," he complained. "I don't want to be made
a monkey of--"
And, finally, non-dialogue:
"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future
that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then,
but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster,
stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back
ceaselessly into the past."
I make no claims that these uses are *correct*, but they do establish
precedent in published work by a respected author.
-chance
--
Alone on the highway with just a dream
Of finding that certain someone
To set my heart free
I saw her face in the sun coming up in New Mexico
I heard her voice in a river that ran through Durango
She has a way that I've never known but I cannot forget
She is everywhere around me
I just haven't found her yet.
(The Great Divide, "San Isabella")
chance
> There was nothing wrong with the telling of the story, but knowing the
> basic plot ahead of time sort of ruined it for me. Especially since I
> wasn't even too keen on Fitzgerald's version when I first read it.
Having now reread "Benjamin Button," I can modify these remarks. My less
than enthusiastic response wasn't because I knew the surprise before it
was revealed, but because the story relies *so* heavily on the basic
"backwards aging" premise. In "Walter Better," excepting one trip to a
museum, all Walter does is de-age; if he has other life experiences, they
are not revealed. In "Benjamin Button," Benjamin (in chronological order)
is born, sits up nights smoking with his grandfather, was laughed out of
Yale (he claimed he was 18, but looked 50), fell in love and married,
fought in the Spanish-American war, enrolled at Harvard where he played
football and injured the entire opposing team during the Yale-Harvard
game of his freshman year, barely made the team his junior year, and
didn't his senior, graduated from Harvard and went to live with his son,
enrolled at a prep school, was recalled by the Army but denied the
opportunity to serve, went to kindergarden with his grandson, and finally
had a personal nurse that tended to him until his (death?
disappearance?).
Clearly, the comparison between Fitzgerald's ~10,000 word story and yours
that is only 1500 words isn't entirely fair. Still, I think what "Walter
Better" needs is to be expanded some to include more of Walter's life
experience. Rather than focusing explicitly on the fact that he is aging
backwards, that part of the story could be told through related problems
and such (though, because of the medical aspect of your story, the
explicit focus on his condition couldn't be entirely removed).
Obviously, most people probably will have no prior experience with the
de-aging plot, and the rather skeletal nature of the story will not, for
them, be a problem. Still, I do think that a broadening of focus would be
experienced by them, as by me, as a definite improvement.
Finally, I thought you might be interested in this:
This story was inspired by a remark of Mark Twain's to the effect that it
was a pity that the best part of life came at the beginning and the worst
part at the end. By trying the experiment upon only one man in a
perfectly normal world I have scarcely given his idea a fair trial.
Several weeks after completing it, I discovered an almost identical plot
in Samuel Butler's "Note-books."
ImpactLitConsult
He is, undoubtedly, one of THE best story writers I have come across in my
business. I hope he keeps it up!
Jillanne Kimble
Editor
ImpactLitConsult
almost an outline. I was interested in the entire concept - so I wanted to
know more about the old man, and more about the woman in the coma.
We want to know more, DH! lol
Jillanne
ImpactLitConsult
>>[Halting, interrupted, or shifts in speech are indicated by
>ellipsis points.
According to The College Writers Reference: Ellipsis OR dashes are acceptable
to conote interruptions, halting, or a character trailing off in dialogue.
According to Self Editing for Fiction Writers: Use Ellipsis to show a
character trailing off in dialogue. Use dashes to show that a character has
been interrupted in dialogue, or gaps.
According to Harbrace College Handbook:
Use ellipsis points to mark an omission or a reflective pause or hesitation. A
dash for abrupt change in speech, or faltering speech, or for emphasis.
The Little Brown Handbook and Websters both say that either dashes or ellipsis
are acceptable.
The consensus is about even, folks.
As a professional editor, I prefer to see ellipsis for trailing off dialogue,
and dashes for interruptions. Obviously there is no hard and fast rule, but
rather a matter of personal preference.
Dashes may or may not have spaces before and after them. They usually do not.
There was no jargon used in DHank's Walter Better story.
Jillanne Kimble
Allegory60
I'll see what I can do. I started out to make this a 3-4k word short story,
but then didn't like it and whacked it back 50%. This may have contributed to
the "outline" effect. I will repost this after I have taken in all the
commentary and have had a chance to study it further.
Thanks for the compliments. If readers want to know more, I'd say that at
least I have their attention.
DHank
Allegory60
>
>There was nothing wrong with the telling of the story, but knowing the
>basic plot ahead of time sort of ruined it for me.>Especially since I
>wasn't even too keen on Fitzgerald's version when I first read it. >
Sorry, but I haven't read this one--will have to search it up. Is Fitz doing
my stuff again?
DHank
Allegory60
>Better" needs is to be expanded some to include more of Walter's life
>experience.
Thanks, Chance. This seems to be the consensus. Nobody likes the tale in a
short-short. Perhaps because aging and the mystery/secrets/imagination about
it seem to pique hungry imaginations. I have one or two pretty interesting
twists I can put into the story. My story was indeed also inspired by my love
and knowledge of Sam Clemens life and quotes. I have studied his works and
life for several years.
thanks for your comments
DHank
Brooke Sheldon
It seemed a little rushed in the way of moving through the story. There are
area's where you could flesh it out, give it some more body and increase the
feelings and emotion. Neither of which are lacking but could be boosted.
The one thing I would say though is that Jill could probably be given a
stronger character. The start of a really good character is there, its just
a little shadowed.
Oh, the dialogue is really good in places and sometimes I wasn't so sure.
All in all I really enjoyed it, and I think Walter could be such a fun
character to play with, putting him in different situations. Heh, your
story, won't go giving you to many ideas ;)
Brooke.
Allegory60
>
>It seemed a little rushed in the way of moving through the story
>There are
>area's where you could flesh it out, give it some more body and increase the
>feelings and emotion. Neither of which are lacking but could be boosted
See the RP i will put up later today Brooke, and thanks. Once or twice I have
created a character and then realized they were entrancing or enchanting or in
some way demanded more ink. It's interesting how stories develop and evolve.
One thing I have learned in this group is that there are so many possibilities
for any story or idea. Someone posted that the idea of a man growing younger
had already been done. I had not seen that work but figured it had to be done
already, though that is not important. If we each had to have totally unique
ideas, no one would be able to write anything. It's been said many times, but
it's the way we put those ideas and situations into the lives of our characters
that becomes unique.
On this particular story I tried to make it too short. I see now that Walter
demands more ink. Thanks.
DHank
Monkey Doctor
>The Strange Case of Walter Better
Couldn't shake the feeling i've seen something like this before. I
concur with most points - i.e. the lack of information about the lost
woman. Plus one concern (which you may have been addressing via the
ice cream comment) which i've seen elsewhere is the irreversability of
the condition - that the old man ultimately becomes foetal and
dissapears.
Sorry, A60, this was well written (though anyone who uses "STAT" in a
story should be forced to watch ER for fifteen tears, IMAO) but lacked
enough depth to either satisfy or chill (as I think was your intent).
But then what would I know, I ain't never been published, innit. :)
MD
--
Rocko: "Hef. What's funnier, Bananas or cheese?"
Heifer: "Cheese, definitely cheese."
--
Monkey Doctor: www.beresfordj.freeserve.co.uk
-> Follow the "Stories" link for the short stories
Allegory60
>
>MD
Ah, being published--that great gulf fixed between the sophomoric scribbler and
the decadant soothsayer. That immutable badge of entrance to the kingdom. The
golden key that promises, dances, delights and delineates the author from the
writer. To be published or not to be published--that is the question. Whether
'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of publishers . . .and by so doing
to gain the static clingness of fame...tis a desire to be so wished until
completed.
DHank
"Posterity--what you write for after being turned down by publishers." - George
Ade-
"Success and failure are equally disastrous." -Tennessee Williams-
Monkey Doctor
>Ah, being published--that great gulf fixed between the sophomoric scribbler and
>the decadant soothsayer. That immutable badge of entrance to the kingdom. The
>golden key that promises, dances, delights and delineates the author from the
>writer. To be published or not to be published--that is the question. Whether
>'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of publishers . . .and by so doing
>to gain the static clingness of fame...tis a desire to be so wished until
>completed.
>
>DHank
>
>"Posterity--what you write for after being turned down by publishers." - George
>Ade-
>
>"Success and failure are equally disastrous." -Tennessee Williams-
Very witty, very witty.
Thanks for the smile that put on my face!