For Discussion: Survivors Speak Out - Open letter from a survivor
Chive Mynde
TORM/survivors speaking out
An open letter from a survivor
Hi - I am a survivor childhood sexual abuse, prostitution and
victimization by a sexual offender. My father was a child molester who
victimized about half of the little girls in our neighbourhood. By the
age of about 10 I thought it was my job to try to protect these girls
by catching him in the act and removing them. When I finally told my
mother at a friend's insistence she made excuses for him, said he was a
sick person who couldn't help himself. She had a nervous breakdown
after this and was given drugs by a psychiatrist. After this she
started drinking and eventually died of cirhossis of the liver.
I became very self destructive; used alcohol & drugs for years, had
some bad overdoses and nearly died. I hated myself when I should have
turned my anger toward the offender & his collaborators - I also blame
the school system - a teacher called in some psychologist when I was 10
to do tests, he never asked what was going on in the home (the verdict
was that I was emotionally disturbed but nothing more was done); and at
16 the family dr. put me on addictive drugs as I had a big problem with
anxiety and insomnia. I was then sent to a child psychiatrist who gave
me more drugs & told my parents to keep me in more and have stricter
rules. No one asked me what was going on in the home. After I sobered
up I realized they were the offenders/collaborators and I was blameless
as a kid.
Prostitution was my boyfriend's idea; I started when I was 21 or 22.
Prostitution was a continuum of the sexual abuse I received as a child.
I got out when I was 24 - I went to a good treatment centre for alcohol
& drug addiction in another city 3000 miles away (got away from all my
friends who drank and used drugs and my family also). Luckily my
medical insurance paid for my treatment.
I was 13 years sober before I dealt with the sexual abuse through
counselling. I still have problems (developed as coping skills) from
the sexual abuse. When I was I was unfortunate enough to become
involved with a sexual offender I knew in AA. I knew him for a year and
a half as a friend and thought he was a nice guy. He used this time to
test my boundaries and decide whether I ould be a good victim. I was
also vulnerable at this time as I had just been through a
custody/access battle. Once I became involved with him I found out that
he was sadistic. He started off by telling me things he had supposedly
heard on the news e.g. about a professor who had abducted young girls
and kept them chained in a cottage in the woods and abused them until
they died. After awhile I realized that he was talking about his own
desires. When he tried some of these things on me I realized that I had
to get away from him. The only thing that turned him on was inflicting
pain. I gathered up my courage to tell people what he was like. People
I had known for as long as 10 or 12 yrs. would cut me off with things
like "you know I think he is a nice guy" or "a relationship is
something that should be worked out between two people". The police
said they could lay charges but would never get a conviction. By this
time he & some of his buddies were stalking & harassing me for trying
to spread such "lies" and "gossip" about him. One time he was telling
me about another guy we knew who is known to attack different women - I
said, oh, that's the guy who attacked my friend - he asked me, well did
she charge him - I said no, - so this way he found out that she would
be a good victim too. Later he started stalking her. I feel bad about
it - at the time he was acting outraged as if this other guy should be
stopped; and at the same time he was finding out information about my
friends. She said he sometimes just seems to appear out of nowhere, all
of a sudden standing right beside her. Really creepy. A power trip for
him I am sure.
I went to a sexual assault survivors' group at a woman's organization
and they helped me. They put up posters (with his picture) saying that
he was a sexual offender who was violent with women & to stay away from
him. These women did not even know me & yet they believed me. After he
was exposed he moved (true to type). His friends continued to harass me
& I do not go alot of places I used to go because of this. I felt like
much of this was a repeat of my childhood sexual abuse; if people
believed what I was saying, most blamed me for the abuse. The stalking
& harassment went on for a couple of years.
People who thought I was involved in the postering accused me
of "revenge" or being "vindictive" - my answer was whoever did it was
trying to protect other women. A woman I know was involved with him for
awhile (she lived in the same apt. building he did) and then suddenly
left town. He was also on probation then for threatening a woman at
work with a pair of scissors (he worked with drug addicted
prostitutes). He is a good con artist and convinced people he was the
victim in this case also. Of course the problem was that he just moved
somewhere else to start all over again. Because he presents as a "nice
guy" and is good looking most people are not willing to believe he
could be a sexual offender. Also because he targets women he knows, he
spent a year and a half getting to know me first. Any guy who did these
things to a stranger would receive consequences.
Now I spend most of my time involved in studies and women's groups
trying help change things so other kids (I have two girls myself) will
have a better chance.
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